My beautiful daughter now 15 was molested by my brother when she was 7. I didn't find out till a little over a year ago. About 2 years prior she had gotten really angry, started stealing, bad grades... ect, etc. I took drastic measures, had her go to youth intervention programs, stays away from home, counseling, everything I could do I did. To make a long story short after about a year her counselor told me she thought she had been molested. I was like no way, I keep my kids close. It was my brother, Mr. do good (I was the "bad" child). Once again trying to make a vary long story short, the police felt we did not have enough evidence to convict. Even thou he admitted to my parents he did it, they told me they would not say anything to the police or in court against my brother... not for 1 mistake. (Believe me I was like one ****** mistake?? Are you kiding me? ) My parents are older and not in the best of health so and I guess I didn't want to make them go thro this. Anyway, my main concern was my daughter. I had to help her get thro this. We talked a lot, cryed together even more. I have done my best to be there for her. She has come such a long way, I am so proud of her.

I told my parents that if we were to maintain any kind of relationship, my brother was dead to me. Don't speak of him in my presence. I guess my mother thought that meant only in front of me. My daughter was with my parents (without me) and someone asked how he was... my mother went on and on how good he was doing. This sent my daughter into her own private hell once again. She told me about it... I talked to my mother about it. She apologized. Things have never been the same between them. My daughter gives my mother big attitude every time she comes over. It has gotten to the point my daughter can't stand even seeing her. Of course my daughter and I have talked about this, and I have told her to direct her anger towards the one that hurt her. So now I am trying to maintain a relationship with my mother, but I don't think I can handle both. My daughter comes before anyone... no question. I have also talked to my mom about this... she does have a warped sense of what happened, at the same time she feels horrible. There is so much more to this story. I could go on for pages. I feel like I am betraying my daughter if I keep a relationship with my mother. I do however want to keep a relationship with her. I am all my daughter has though, her father is worse then an absent parent, empty promises, etc etc. I also have a meanally challenged son who is extremely close with my mother. I am so lost in this situation, any advice would be appreciated.

I am so very sorry that this happened to your daughter, and it is especially horrific because it was at the hands of someone who should have been a trusted family member. Your mother is truly in denial about this. She is trying to protect her son, when she clearly knows that it isn't right. I'm sure she struggles with this, but it is no excuse to protect a pedophile, which is clearly what your brother is.

Bless you for being such a good mother, and having an open dialogue with your young innocent daughter. Some young girls keep it to themselves, and they act out in other ways, as you mentioned your daughter was beginning to do. I'm furious with the way the police did not take action with this. The in-justice system just does not work in the victims favour, so very often.

Other than talking to your daughter yourself, have you taken her to a counselor that specializes in young victims of sexual abuse? It is great that she can talk to you, but by talking to someone that is trained in this area, could help a great deal with some of the issues and fears she has. She needs some outside help and someone that is trained specifically in this field is necessary. They can give her the tools she needs to get through this, and deal with it the best she can. As she gets older she will need to know how to deal with it.

I'm going to call in backup here. I know just the person to help you out a little, and give you further advice. I know she will be here in a heartbeat to try and help out.

Give your daughter an extra big hug from me. Even though we are strangers, I understand. You are a wonderful mother, and I know you are doing the best you can. Hang in there.

http://www.postsmile.com/img/love2/06.gif (http://www.postsmile.com/)

Thank-you for your encouraging words. My daughter has been in therapy for at the last 2 years. After she finally told us what had happened I did get her connected with a therapist who does deal with kids affected by sexual abuse. He is great. It took quite awhile for her to open up to him. I still don't think she feels completely comfortable with him, or maybe its just talking about the abuse in general, but he has done wonders. My daughter also took anger management classes (at her therapist suggestion) with some other teens. It was a very small class... It just so happened that each of the 5 girls were victims as well. The instructor was even surprised. It was so good for her... and when they graduated the class each of them had to give a little presentation, it was just heartbreaking to hear their stories of stuggle, and so uplifting to see how they interacted with each other... needless to say, it got real emotional... they were all helping each other get thro telling their story. Sorry I am rambling now and crying uncontrollably. I see all the aspects of her life not to mention everyone else, that my brother has affected. To help my own self get thro this I did some writing. One of them was a poem to my brother, a line in the poem goes like this... I never knew the depth of my love until I had my kids, I never knew how much I could hate until you did what you did. Thanks for listening and again for your encouraging words.

You weren't rambling at all. Say as much, or as little as you want. We are here to listen, and try to help as much as we can.

I'm so glad your daughter is getting the help and support she needs to get through this. Unfortuately there are too many parents who want to sweep something like this under the rug, and try and wish it away or ignore it in the hopes that it will just all go away if no one mentions it. I hate to think of kids that have to go through something like this all by themselves. That would be it's own private hell.

Again, talk all you want. There will be more people around to give their support shortly. Sometimes it's a little slow around here on the weekends, but it will pick up.

I'm so sorry that your daughter had to go through this and is having such a hard time dealing with it. Fifteen is such a difficult age to begin with, even without emotional baggage holding you down.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse, in my case it was a trusted cousin and I was 5 when it started. I never told anyone about it, and I kept my mouth shut whenever we all got together for family events. It was hard.

Your daughter definitely comes before anyone else, but, in the same token, it wasn't your mother that molested her, even though it seems she refuses to see the truth and is protecting your brother.

I think it's time to sit down with your mother, tell all, let her know exactly what her cherished son did to your little girl, then honestly ask her what she thinks you should do with regards to your relationship with her. If she doesn't get it, then it may be time to leave your mom in the past, even though it will be hard.

Your daughter needs a lot of support right now, not only from you, but everyone that is around her and knows about the incident. To just sweep it under the rug is not an option, it has to be brought out into the open, and I realize that you are doing your best to help her resolve this.

Sometimes it takes many trials before finding a good counsellor. Is she comfortable with the counsellor she sees? Talk to her about it, ask her what she needs, listen with an open mind and heart. It's often hard for us survivors to express what we really feel because we often times just want to pretend it never happened. That's not an option, if she doesn't deal with it now, it will come out in the future.

I wish I had more advice, sorry that I don't.

Big hug to you and your daughter. If you're comfortable with her joining this site, it may help her. There are many people here that have gone through similar experiences, sometimes it really helps to talk to someone who knows first hand what you're going through.

Let me know, I'll make myself available to her. I'm not a counsellor, just another survivor like her.

Good luck.

I know this is going to sound horrible, but blaming your mother doesn't change anything; and expecting her to disown her son is unreasonable. She probably wants to do what she thinks is best for her son, just like you do what's best for your daughter.
When my sister was 8 years old, she was severely raped, beaten, and left for dead on a deserted highway by my uncle, who was also her favorite person in the world. Our entire family was shattered; and he was disowned by the whole family, except for my grandmother. She refused to disown him because he was her son and she loved him unconditionally. It took a very long time but eventually we all accepted it, and having children of our own makes us understand how much we actually would do or give up for our children. I know this doesn't help you or your daughter feel any better, but maybe it can help you understand a little bit about being put in a position of choosing between your children. It really can't be done.

I know this is going to sound horrible, but blaming your mother doesnt change anything; and expecting her to disown her son is unreasonable. She probably wants to do what she thinks is best for her son, just like you do what's best for your daughter.
When my sister was 8 years old, she was severely raped, beaten, and left for dead on a deserted highway by my uncle, who was also her favorite person in the world. Our entire family was shattered; and he was disowned by the whole family, except for my grandmother. She refused to disown him because he was her son and she loved him unconditionally. It took a very long time but eventually we all accepted it, and having children of our own makes us understand how much we actually would do or give up for our children. I know this doesnt help you or your daughter feel any better, but maybe it can help you understand a little bit about being put in a position of choosing between your children. It really can't be done.

I hardly think this is unreasonable! What would her son have to do then? Murder someone? Would that still be acceptable? If his mother wants to "forgive" him, well that's her own cross to bear. But to expect her daughter and grandaughter to accept this and just forget about it is ludicrious! For a mother to accept the behaviour of her own son for leaving an 8 yr. old grandchild left for dead, severely raped and beaten on a deserted highway is just unimaginably insane! I sure hope your Grandmother got help for her issues of denial! Also above all, I certainly hope that your INNOCENT sister NEVER had to see this SICK man again! It's one thing to love your children, but another thing to be so utterly blind! I feel incredibly sorry for your sister, if this was the attitude in your family. I find this disgusting quite frankly. I'm in Alberta, and only wish I could have had a talk with your Grandmother. This is why children do not report these things. I wonder who has come to accept this? I bet it wasn't your sister. I bet he isn't her favourite person in the world now is he?

It isn't a matter of CHOOSING between your children! Yes it CAN be done. It's called holding your children accountable for their actions!

I have two children and I love them more then anything in the world. As a survivor of abuse I can honestly say, if one of my children abused someone, they'd have my wrath to deal with. I wouldn't love them any less, but I would make them take responsibility for their actions, and I'd get them the help they needed. If that meant jail time, well, so be it.

It is not okay to look away while someone sexually, physically, or mentally abuses anyone, especially a child. As a mother, I'd personally tear apart anyone who tried to harm one of my children, I don't care who he/she is!


When my sister was 8 years old, she was severely raped, beaten, and left for dead on a deserted highway by my uncle, who was also her favorite person in the world.

Do you really think that your sister was his last victim? I really doubt it. So, the other kids he molested have your family to thank, seeing as you all turned a blind eye to this sick individual.

And that is all I want her to do. I want her to want him to make him responsible for what he did and see him for what he really is... A child molester! I really think part of my problem is trying to see things from my parents perspective. I wish I couldn't... sometimes I feel like I shouldn't. My daughter did not want to go to the police about this. Her counselor said it was almost imperative that she do. That if she didn't she would regret it later on down the line. My daughter did not want to see her uncle locked up. I explained to her that if he did it to her he could be doing it to someone else and that there are consequences to our actions, young or old. The first time we went, she didn't say anything to the detective. We drove over two hour in a blizzard to get there. I didn't push... because she is a minor she had until 7 years after her 18th birthday to file charges. About a month later she told me she wanted to go back. We did and she told the det. Everything. On the way back home she called my mom, her reaction was ohhh, you just are not going to stop till yr uncle is locked up huh? My daughter lost it. That was the first time she had hurt my daughter. Second time being my daughter overhearing her tell other family members how well my bother was doing. Understand this to though... the night my daughter told me the horrible truth... after watching her and holding her while she sat in the middle of the floor rocking back and forth crying uncontrollably she called my mom. When my mom pulled up I ran out and told her that it was my brother ( I had already told her what the counselor had suspected) and I told her that if she couldn't handle it to leave... she came in and held her for hours... told her that what he did was wrong and that she did nothing wrong... I mean she did everything she should have done. My mother is not a horrible person. She is just in denial. We had a talk about it the other day... I did most of the talking I was at my limit. I called him a child molester... she said no he isn't. There was no penetration, (which there was, just not with his genitals) it was more like foreplay.. I don't want to repeat what I said, it was not nice. He was 30, she was 7. She is so far in denial... I don't know what to do.

I understand why your daughter would be so hurt by the way your Mom has handled this! So many times this is why children don't tell! They feel like no one will believe them, people will blame them, or people will downplay what happened to them---which is what your mother is doing. She is very obviously in complete denial. She doesn't want to believe her son did this, so she thinks if she denies it, or can somehow justify it, then in her mind it just didn't happen.

Your brother NEEDS to be punished. It doesn't matter one iota if it was genital to genital contact! That is NOT the point! Your daughter was sexually violated! This has altered the course of your daughters life, and your mother needs to be made to understand this! Her son forever changed your daughter... her grandaughter!

Is there anyway you could convince your Mom to talk to your daughters counselor for her Grandaughters sake? Could you just ask her if she would do it for the well being of your daughters mental health? The counselor would be able to explain in medical terms, the damage that has been done here.

Edit:: I certainly hope that this doesn't turn out like the situation with the above poster. If it comes to that, then, although heartbreaking, you will have to cut ties with your family, for the mental stability of your daughter. Don't let what happens with the other posters sister, happen in your family. I have a gut feeling that you would not let this happen anyway. Just a side note.

I Don't know if my mom will. I asked my daughter once before if she wanted grandma to come to counseling with us... She hated that idea. But maybe my mom going seperatley. Might work. I will definitely bring that idea up to my mom. Thanks! Now thinking about it, mom always give me articles to read that she thinks would be of benefit for me. Maybe I will bring her some reading info.

I just want to say that I think you're doing a great job with an extremely difficult situation. Your strength is humbling. Well done.

Love to you and your daughter.

My mother is not a horrible person. She is just in denial. We had a talk about it the other day... I did most of the talking I was at my limit. I called him a child molester... she said no he isn't. There was no penetration, (which there was, just not with his genitals) it was more like foreplay.. I don't want to repeat what I said, it was not nice. He was 30, she was 7. She is so far in denial... I don't know what to do.

The above quote says a lot. It sounds like your mom doesn't really understand what went on or how very damaging it can be. It may have to do with her age, how things were in the "olden" days.

Back when your mom was young child molesters weren't talked about, nor was incest or rape. She probably thinks that since he didn't actually penetrate her with his penis, that she wasn't sexually molested. But, we all know that sexual molestation is more then that.

She may also believe that somehow, your daughter lead him on. Yes, that's also foolish, but many people of the older generation don't believe in molestation, the honestly think that the victim somehow coersed the perpetrator.

I don't think that you and your mother will ever see eye to eye on this. Having said that, you have to decide whether you can handle having your mother in your life, knowing that she supports your brother, loves your brother and will not put a stop to his behavior, and yes, I think he will do it again, in fact, I'm pretty certain of it.

You need to focus on your daughter, get her the help she needs, help her deal with this so she can live as normal a life as possible.

The most important thing, something you are already doing, is to make sure she knows that this is not her fault, only one person is to blame and that is her Uncle.

I believe in karma, I'm sure he'll get his, but sadly, it probably won't happen until he molests another child.

I wish I could offer a better solution, a step by step program, a sure thing, but I can't.

We are here to listen though.

Have you given any thought to letting your daughter join AMHD? It may help her to talk to people she doesn't know and doesn't have to face. I know it helped me a great deal.

Take care. We'll be here if you need us.

I have two children and I love them more then anything in the world. As a survivor of abuse I can honestly say, if one of my children abused someone, they'd have my wrath to deal with. I wouldn't love them any less, but I would make them take responsibility for their actions, and I'd get them the help they needed. If that meant jail time, well, so be it.

It is not okay to look away while someone sexually, physically, or mentally abuses anyone, especially a child. As a mother, I'd personally tear apart anyone who tried to harm one of my children, I don't care who he/she is!



Do you really think that your sister was his last victim? I really doubt it. So, the other kids he molested have your family to thank, seeing as you all turned a blind eye to this sick individual.

Just so all you closed minded individuals know, he spent 10 years in prison. Nobody defended his actions or forgot about anything. My grandmother was the only one who has had anything to do with him since, all I was saying is that you can't blame another mother for feeling for her child. Please don't assume things you know nothing about because until you've been there you really have no idea. It's a heck of a lot easier to say you would react a certain way in this kind of situation, than it is to actually have to deal with it. I really don't think I said anything about ignoring my sister in this situation yet I've received a lot of comments saying I did. For the original poster, I was simply saying that for her mother it would be difficult to disown her own child; no matter what he did. Any of you who say you could, must be pretty heartless.

Just so all you closed minded individuals know, he spent 10 years in prison. Nobody defended his actions or forgot about anything. My grandmother was the only one who has had anything to do with him since, all I was saying is that you can't blame another mother for feeling for her child. Please dont assume things you know nothing about because until you've been there you really have no idea. It's a heck of a lot easier to say you would react a certain way in this kind of situation, than it is to actually have to deal with it. I really dont think I said anything about ignoring my sister in this situation yet I've received a lot of comments saying I did. For the original poster, I was simply saying that for her mother it would be difficult to disown her own child; no matter what he did. Any of you who say you could, must be pretty heartless.

We only respond to what is written. We are not mind readers! I stand by what I said, and I am certainly glad he spent time in prison for his crime.

Please don't assume things you know nothing about because until you've been there you really have no idea

We base our responses on the information provided. You didn't tell us he spent time in prison, only that your grandmother didn't want him prosecuted.


I was simply saying that for her mother it would be difficult to disown her own child; no matter what he did. Any of you who say you could, must be pretty heartless

So, we're not supposed to assume, but it's okay for you to assume? Not bloody likely dear.

I love my kids more then anything on this earth, but, if they go out and hurt another human being then, I, as a mother, have to accept that I either did a terrible job raising my child or I have to accept that they need help, pretending nothing happened is not an option. I would not sit by and do nothing, especially if they hurt a child.

That's not heartless, it's responsible.

We base our responses on the information provided. You didn't tell us he spent time in prison, only that your grandmother didn't want him prosecuted.



So, we're not supposed to assume, but it's okay for you to assume? Not bloody likely dear.

I love my kids more then anything on this earth, but, if they go out and hurt another human being then, I, as a mother, have to accept that I either did a terrible job raising my child or I have to accept that they need help, pretending nothing happened is not an option. I would not sit by and do nothing, especially if they hurt a child.

That's not heartless, it's responsible.

I'm sorry but your response to me doesn't make any sense. I never said my grandmother didn't want him prosecuted, and I never said that anyone pretended it didn't happen, or sat by and did nothing. It insults me to think that you assume my family hasn't dealt with this every single day since it has happened.
I wasn't trying to defend pedophiles. On the contrary, I believe they are vile creatures. I was merely speaking from experience with this type of situation. There is simply no need for these responses that don't do anything more than hurt me, I doubt they are much help to the person who was asking the question.
Life is far too short to keep someone you love out of your life because they choose to have someone else in theirs. Especially your mother or grandmother. It took my mother and sister a long time to forgive my grandmother, and their relationships with her have changed drastically; but they understand that she just can't turn her back on him.
We have all managed to live our lives without ever acknowledging his existence, and she never talks to us about him so it's like he doesn't exist.
But it isn't fair to punish the other children who are close to their grandmother by putting her out of your lives. It doesn't heal anything, it only winds up causing more hurting and problems.

I'm sorry but your response to me doesnt make any sense. I never said my grandmother didnt want him prosecuted, and I never said that anyone pretended it didnt happen, or sat by and did nothing. It insults me to think that you assume my family hasnt dealt with this every single day since it has happened.
I wasnt trying to defend pedophiles. On the contrary, I believe they are vile creatures. I was merely speaking from experience with this type of situation. There is simply no need for these responses that dont do anything more than hurt me, I doubt they are much help to the person who was asking the question.
Life is far too short to keep someone you love out of your life because they choose to have someone else in theirs. Especially your mother or grandmother. It took my mother and sister a long time to forgive my grandmother, and their relationships with her have changed drastically; but they understand that she just can't turn her back on him.
We have all managed to live our lives without ever acknowledging his existance, and she never talks to us about him so it's like he doesnt exist.
But it isnt fair to punish the other children who are close to their grandmother by putting her out of your lives. It doesnt heal anything, it only winds up causing more hurting and problems.

If we would have been able to understand this from the beginning, our responses may have been different. We were merely responding to what was originally said, and that is all we have to go on. It had obviously sounded to us all as if your mother had condoned his behaviour, and that is what we were reacting to. I understand now a little more about what you are trying to say. Of course keeping the other children and grandchildren around wouldn't be fair, as long as your mother understood the gravity of the situation, and what her son did to her family. If he is never spoken of or has any dealings with anyone but your mother between the two of them and no one else, then that I can understand. This was not the sense I got from your first post, and as I said, this is why we reacted the way we did.

Lynda's mother at the moment doesn't seem to fully understand or comprehend the damage that has been done to her grandchild, and until she does accept what her son did was 100% wrong, it is only going to be hurtful to her grandchild to be around her knowing that her grandmother still speaks of her son in her presence when she doesn't realise how hurtful and painful this is to Lynda and her daughter. Her mother still doesn't understand that this was molestation, and a serious thing that is taking a huge toll on her other child. It's fresh to them now, as I assume this was at the time this horrible and unspeakable thing happened to your sister. We didn't understand that your mother was right behind you in this, and that she knew he had to spend time in prison for his crime. Lynda's mom isn't there yet. We know that it's best for all involved if they can stay in her mothers life, but right now Lynda has to put her daughters best interests first and foremost. If that means that her mother is not a part of their lives for now, then that is how it will have to be in order to protect her daughter from any further hurt. Hopefully she will agree to talk to a counsellor, so she can better understand the damage that her son has caused.

I'm sorry but your response to me doesnt make any sense. I never said my grandmother didnt want him prosecuted, and I never said that anyone pretended it didnt happen, or sat by and did nothing. It insults me to think that you assume my family hasnt dealt with this every single day since it has happened.
I wasnt trying to defend pedophiles. On the contrary, I believe they are vile creatures. I was merely speaking from experience with this type of situation. There is simply no need for these responses that dont do anything more than hurt me, I doubt they are much help to the person who was asking the question.
Life is far too short to keep someone you love out of your life because they choose to have someone else in theirs. Especially your mother or grandmother. It took my mother and sister a long time to forgive my grandmother, and their relationships with her have changed drastically; but they understand that she just can't turn her back on him.
We have all managed to live our lives without ever acknowledging his existance, and she never talks to us about him so it's like he doesnt exist.
But it isnt fair to punish the other children who are close to their grandmother by putting her out of your lives. It doesnt heal anything, it only winds up causing more hurting and problems.

Like Starby said, your first post didn't come off very well and we reacted accordingly. I know it's hard to write the whole story down, but it does give us a better idea of what you are trying to say. If you leave information out, we do our best to fill in the blanks, and your post didn't sound very positive.

The above post is clearer, now we have a better understanding. Had we known all this from the beginning, we wouldn't have reacted the way we did.

You did still call us heartless, that was uncalled for.

This is a public forum, as soon as you write a post it becomes public, people respond to what you have written, if you don't take the time to make your posts clear, then you chance getting bad responses. We can't read minds, wish we could, it would make all of this a lot easier.

As for the OP, her mother hasn't yet fully accepted what her son did to her granddaughter. She does still talk about him around her, she doesn't want him to go to prison for what he did, she's just sweeping it under the rug.

Until the grandmother fully understands what happened and how detrimental it was to this poor child, I don't think the OP can chance having her daughter around her grandmother.

The child is now 15, still a child, only her mother can protect her. Maybe by telling the grandmother that she can no longer see the 15 year old, then she'll finally realize what happened and how severe it was and continues to be.

It's not an easy thing to cut someone out of your life, especially since the grandmother obviously loves her family very much. But, right now the emotional health of the child has to come first and foremost.

If only the grandmother could understand. Maybe it's time for her to sit with the child's therapist, discuss what is going on, how it is affecting the child. Maybe if she talks to an unbiased third party she will finally understand.

I wish I could offer more.

I agree with starbuck8, especially on the blame part. The pedophiles convince you that you really wanted it and if you told someone, no one would believe a 7 year old. She was very brave and fortunate that she had a Mother that understood what was going on.

Thank-you for all the respones and encouraging words. I feel I have to say this. When I first read mamamccabe's response. I read it as it was intended. I actually got confused when I read the later post then I went back and re read it and could see how it could have been misleading. This being... if my child would have done to someone what my brother did to mine. I could never walk away.

I wouldn't condone what he did, but whatever the consequence.. I would be there. I would be hurt, angry, guilt ridden... Can't even imagine. But I would be there, no matter what. So you see why I have such a hard time with this.

This dessision did not come easy. I wanted to rip my mom's face off when I realised she was still talking to him. Then I sat and I thought... for weeks. I would do the same for my child. I would definatley handle my grandchild different. Their needs would come before my child's. They were the victim and I would not victimize them again. That's where my problem is.

What I have to do is make her realize that she is really hurting my daughter again by her actions/words. And to make her see what kind of affect this is still having on her today and the issues she is likely to encounter in the future. She really doesn't want to know. And if I cant... then it is her loss. Mine to... I hate my brother soooooo ****** much!! And I hate that he made me know this much hate.. AGGGGHHHHHH

Thanks again,
Lynda

We understand Lynda. It's hurful, it's frustrating, it's just a big mess. Bless you for what you are doing to protect your daughter, and I would only hope that your mother sees this picture more clearly, and understands how your daughters life has been affected by this.

I'm sorry that you feel so much hate, but I can't say that I would feel any different. It's awfully hard when your brother has not taken any responsibility in this, and your mother is turning a blind eye. Your mother has to understand that her son has engraved awful things on the slate on your daughters life, that will remain forever! I only hope that your daughter can use this in a way that helps her in her life, and other lives. I know she is young, and not able to fully understand that she can't let this ruin her life.

It is unrealistic to think that she will ever forget, but hopefully at one point she will understand that your brother did an unthinkable act, and used her as an outlet for his sexual and control issues, and that she is someone that was victimized by this sick man. If it wasn't her, it would have likely been someone else, if it already hasn't been. I would sure hope not, but their could be another child somewhere that he has also done this to, and he needs to be stopped!

Hopefully your mother will agree to speaking with a counsellor, without your daughter having to be involved in the meeting, and maybe something that the counsellor says, will turn on a lightbulb for her. She has to understand that her son is a sick man, and he needs to be held accountable.

Ok... it's been a few days since my last post. I have tried to post a few times but could not bring myslef to type the words.

For some reason I looked up my brother on Facebook. He was on it. Has been since feb of 08. I know, I read every single post since he joined. My daughter came out with her abuse in feb of 07. Needless to say I have not talked to him since then. He is doing well... traveling the world, got married... and the most recent post... his wife is expecting a baby girl.

My heart sank, I went numb. I cryed, and cryed. Crying now again. What to do about that innocent child that is coming into the world. I don't knoiw what I expected to see. Not even sure why I looked in the first place. I wanted to see him going thro the same hell my family was. Silly me.

My Daughters therapist told us we could go after my brother in a civil suit. I never wanted to... How could you put a price tag on something like that? I also thought it might be sending my daughter the wrong message. And to make her relive it all again... don't know.

Now... I want the world to know what he did. More so I want his wife to know what he did. At least if she chooses to be with him, she was warned.

I had talked to my daughter about going after him in civil court after we found out they were not going to pursue him criminaly. She wanted to. She even asked me about it a few times later. I could never even bring myself to make the phone call to a lawyer.

You see... I am going thro my own personal hell. For the last 1 1/2 -2 years my daughter needed me. I was helping her go thro her hell. Putting my own to the side for the most part. Now she is doing better... doesn't need me as much and I am crashing. I had just got over not thinking about him everyday. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about before I went to bed.

About 6 month ago... I sat in the car with a gun. I wanted to go kill him. I sat there for a couple hrs. beating up the steering wheel. Contemplating how I could get away with it. Thank God I came to my senses. I know I need to be there for my kids, and I would never give up losing them for his selfish .

Since I seen the Facebook, once again I think about him all the time... and I mean ALL the time. His innocent daughter. His not knowing wife. Aaagghhhhh,

I had a conversation with my mom. She doesn't know I know all that I do since seeing his page. I couldn't even talk to her for the last 4 days. I avoided her calls. I talked to her today. She asked was my daughter still pissed at her. I told her yes. And tried to explain why... she told me my daughter needs to get over it, life goes on. I exp[lained to her that she was being nieve and victimizing my daughter all over again by her words and actions. That I thought she was in denial about what he did. She asked me how is she supposed to believe her story over his, ( His being she came onto him and that it was just foreplay)

My mom is a nanny. I told her to ask them... if a 30 year old man had "forplay" with their 7 year old child... what would they think?? My mothers mature answer was, well I just won't come over anymore. I told her that was NOT the answer. Offered to go to My daughters counsler with her so she could her from a professional what exaclty happens to kids that are sexual abused... It was a very intense conversation. I said a lot of the things we talked about in prior post.

I got excuses. Not a definite NO, but not a resounding yes either. She had to work, she didn't know if she could fit it into her schedule. I told her I thought it was pretty important that she maker an effort to attend. Left it at that. I am not going to force her to go. I will make the app. And we'll see.

Your suggestions and advice will be greatly apprecaited as they always have been, thank-you for that.

Lynda

Oh Lynda, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this personal hell. You are not only having to be strong for your daughter, you are trying to hold yourself together for her. You are doing what every loving mother would do to protect her child. Your own mother on the other hand, is really missing the mark here.

Although I understand why you looked on FB, it wasn't a good idea. It only puts the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you are letting your brother once again control your life by bringing up the memories once again. I know you are worried about the baby daughter he will soon have. I pray that his wife gets wind of what he did to your daughter, and protects her own daughter from this pedophile. If I thought it would help, I would suggest trying to contact his new wife. But the way things seem to be going with your mother at this point, it would likely be dismissed by the wife. I hate this for you. I know you feel totally helpless in this.

Your mother is in major avoidance and denial. She does not want to face it. Maybe she thinks it will make her look like a bad mother, but she doesn't realise she IS looking and acting like one by denying that happened. I don't care if your daughter was butt naked and jumped up and down on your brother! SHE WAS A 7 YR. OLD CHILD! HE IS AN ADULT, AND IS A CHILD MOLESTER! There is NO SUCH THING as foreplay with a CHILD! Your mother needs to understand this! I just can't wrap my head around why she would even ask why she should believe one over the other, but above all, your daughter has your in her corner and she knows it!

As far as going to civil court, I would ask her again if she would still like to do this. If she does, I would do it very soon. Something like this might shine a bright light in his new wife's eyes. It also might be just a little bit of vindication in your daughters eyes. She is getting the sense that no one but you, believes her. She may just need this, to be able to settle it in her own mind, and go on and be able to put it away somewhere on the top shelf.

I understand why you were sitting in your car with a gun and wanting him dead. I'd likely do the same. This is your baby! But I am glad that you stopped yourself from doing something that would change everyone's lives forever. The impact of that, coupled with the sexual abuse, would have surely killed your daughter in some shape or form. You need to be there for your kids.

I know even now, your kids are being affected by how you feel, even if you're not voicing it to them. They can see the toll it is taking on you, and your daughter is probably internalizing this and taking the blame for something that was never her fault to begin with. You can't hold the weight of the world on your shoulders. It is okay to break down sometimes, but you need to find an outlet so that it doesn't consume you. If it does, your brother is controlling you and he is winning! He is controlling you, just like he did that 7 yr. old innocent child. Don't let him take another life down with his unspeakable actions.

Are you seeing a counselor apart from your daughter? I think you need to, so he can help you take your rage and use it to your advantage. He can't be your focus. Unfortunately you can't change what has already happened, but you can change what happened into a stronger relationships with your daughter and your other kids.

One last thing. I saw a show not too long ago about using pets for therapy for young kids who have been sexually abused. In the case that I watched it was a Yellow Lab. They are normally very intuative and good with children, which is why they are often used for therapy and guide dogs. I'm sorry that I can't remember the name of the show, but I believe it was either on the National Geo or Animal Planet channel. You might want to check into this program if they have such a thing in your area. Or even finding a book or DVD on this program, and getting a dog yourself. Dogs really are good therapy, and may also help you when you are really stressed out.

Try not to focus your thoughts on this for awhile, and have another talk with your daughter about her thought on taking this to court.

Take care!

http://www.postsmile.com/img/love/2565.gif (http://www.postsmile.com/)

I was also abused as a child. It sounds like you are dealing with it well. It is important to get her into therapy if she isn't already. This is a trauma and many mental health issues can stem from this. Something like that is very hard to go through. You never really get over it. But you can get to a point where you don't have quite so many feelings attatched to every memory.
It is great that you have announced that your brother is dead to you. It will help your daughter a lot. Your reacting this way will show her that you mean what you say, and that you're on her side, etc. Is there a father in the picture? How he reacts to this is also very important. Girls get there sense of self worth from their fathers. I know it would have meant a lot to me if one of my male family members would have beat up the guy that hurt me. Especially because my abuser didn't serve time either. If someone would have kicked his it would have really helped me to see some kind of justice served.
It sounds like things are going as good as they could be. Dealing with abuse is a process. It takes time to accept and morn what has happened. If she starts that process now while she's young she'll have her whole life ahead of her. I started to deal with what happened to me when I was 14-15 too. I am now 23 and am doing so much better! She is not alone!
Keep doing what you are doing.

Im so very sorry to hear about your daughter that's terrible and your brother should be in prison for what he did and he's very lucky that he's not...
But your mother has obvisiouly damaged her relastionship between her and your daughter from the moment she refused to send him to jail for what he did to her and when your daughter heard that he was doing great and the pride that must have been in your mothers voice was like salt in the wounds do you know what I mean?.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that she feels betrayed by her grandmother like she's not important enough for him to pay for his HUGE mistake and their relatioship will never be the same but your mother is you mother and your son is close to her so have to maintain that relationship for his sake and yea you daughter won't be happy about it but you can't deprive your son of his granparents keep your mother aroudn visit her without your daughter and when she is at your house keep visits as short as possible and also explain to you mother that your daughter comes first and if she ever does anthing to hurt or offend her in anyway you will have to cut ties between them it will of course be hard but your strong you'll find away to make it work xxxxx:)

As a survivor of my own fathers freak nature, I suggest that you put it in the hands of the law! As family we try to figure out what it right etc. we are not the judge or jury. There is no statue of limitations so do not protect " brother " in any way. Let the judge decide his punishment , at minimum be on the molester where abouts networks! Believe me your daughter won't be the only one!! What worked for me was to take a shovel , literally, dig a hole and bury even the thought of him... in the long run it would be the judge not you that makes judgement on the son! I spent 5 years in the YwCA rape crisis center and the bond between girls with the same happening created a bond second to none. There is a void in her heart that she will try to fill with drugs and men, I pray that this does not happen.. as always , peace, love and respect.

as a survivor of my own fathers freak nature, i suggest that you put it in the hands of the law! as family we try to figure out what it right etc. we are not the judge or jury. there is no statue of limitations so do not protect " brother " in any way. let the judge decide his punishment , at minimum be on the molester where abouts networks! believe me your daughter won't be the only one!!!!! what worked for me was to take a shovel , literally, dig a hole and bury even the thought of him... in the long run it would be the judge not you that makes judgement on the son! i spent 5 years in the YwCA rape crisis center and the bond between girls with the same happening created a bond second to none. there is a void in her heart that she will try to fill with drugs and men, i pray that this does not happen..as always , peace, love and respect.

You missed where she wrote that the prosecutor will not press charges or take the case to it trial, otherwise she would have. That's why it is important to read through. I know sometimes it's a lot of reading, but you miss pertinent info if you don't.

Thank-you once again for all your encouraging words and advice. I truly do appreciate it. I am one of the unfortunate ones who doesn’t make enough money to afford health care, but too much to get help from the government. So like I said I do Truly appreciate you all sharing your thoughts.

I have told my mother pretty much what you had said Diehard. I told her that’s not what I wanted but if it comes down to it I will not let her be a victim again. Her response was not what I had hoped for, but then it never really has been. So as of right now I am just taking it a day at a time. She asked to come over the other day... I told her it wasn’t a good time (which I have never done before) But I am feeling that if she can't even go see my daughter therapist, then she really doesn’t have her best interest at heart. Plus she made a comment that she doesn’t know who to believe ( concerning the "penetration" ) I am so tired of trying to make her see... just tired, feel like I am banging my head against the wall.

As far as my daughter’s behaviors as a result of what her fav, uncle did to her. That keeps me up nights. Fortunately we have a pretty open and honest relationship. She has tried drinking, she told me. She actully tells me more than I really want to hear sometimes. She has friends that smoke weed. We talk about that to. Matter of fact, she asked me to talk to one of her very close friends who does. She wants her to stop. That crap is just so prevalent among teenagers today it scares me to death.

The behavior that most worries me is how she treats guys. She treats them badly. But they still lover her. She has had a couple of boyfriends, and I don’t know why they even put up with her ways. She can be down right mean, very manipulative. My daughter is very popular. She is extremely pretty, (looks more like she is 18 rather then 15) a good athlete, great sense of humor, and has the rep of a little bad as well.

When she first came out with what happened. She was very angry. She was getting into fights at school. And her tongue can be very sharp, and she is very quick witted. Her grades were horrible, getting in trouble at school. The school wanted to kick her out or make her go to an alternative school. Which I fought all the way up the chain of command. It was hell. Very hard to handle as well, I knew she was going through all kinds of pain so it was very hard for me to discipline her knowing that. But I did. I stuck to my guns as far as punishments. I did a lot of reading up on children affected by sexual abuse. One thing that I heard a lot was not letting the bad behaviors become acceptable. That she couldn’t use her abuse as an excuse to misbehave.

Then one day last summer... it was like someone flicked a switch. I don’t know what happened for the change to come about. She probably was tired of being grounded. It was a great summer for her and us. Anyhow, she got into a fight the beginning of this school year... got suspended for 10days. And she had been trying very hard to get better grades, which she was... needless to say after the suspension, that went down the toilet and she seen that. We have not had an issue with fighting since then. She now goes out of her way to avoid confrontations at school. She has come sooooo far. I am soooo proud of her.

Still very concerned about her male relationship. I don’t want her hating men. I think she kind of does.

Didn’t mean to make this post so long, but thanks.