Hey, I need some advice desperately.

I've had a lot of trouble in the past with lads even though I'm only 15 (I know I don't need any lectures on enjoying my childhood etc. I've learnt those lessons and have done) but I'm now with a lad who's my age and I've known for a long time and we've been seeing each other for 4 months now and we're really happy. However, I've known since I met him he has mild autism and it has never been a problem as I love him for who he is. The thing is though he won't talk about it. I know there's different degrees of autism and it effects each person differently but he won't talk to me about how bad his is and what effects it has. It's starting to upset me now as I feel like he doesn't trust me and I want to know what's 'wrong' with him so I can help when possible. I spoke to him about him and he just said he didn't want to. So I spoke to his mum and asked her advice and she offered to explain it to me but I don't want to go behind his back, I want to hear it from him and how he feels.

If anyone has any ideas on how to get him to open up or what I should do it would be a major help. My friends keep telling me to leave him but I can't as he means a lot to me. Please help! X

I will be happy to answer your questions. I have an autistic son who is now 38, and I'm pretty sure my husband is high-functioning autistic. A couple of my volunteers at the library where I work have Asperger's (autism).

First thing for you to remember, your boyfriend is a male. Males do not like to talk about feelings or be reminded that they need any kind of help. (You've certainly heard the joke that men would rather get lost than ask for directions? That's generally true.)

Yeah. But with everything else he is pretty open and he does cute things like writes me notes telling me how I make him feel and that so its not as if he won't talk about feelings at all. It's just the minute I mention autism or anything he gets really touchy

yeah. but with everything else he is pretty open and he does cute things like writes me notes telling me how i make him feel and that so its not as if he won't talk about feelings at all. it's just the minute i mention autism or anything he gets really touchy
Then don't ask about his autism. If there were something different about you, like if you were missing an arm, wouldn't it annoy you if he kept asking you questions about that?

Do some research on Internet or at the library to find out about autism. Meanwhile, enjoy the special things about your boyfriend.

(How do you know he's autistic?)

There is nothing you can do to "help" him, and besides, that is a *terrible* basis for a relationship.

You are young... keep him for an occasional friend, but LOOK FOR A BOYFRIEND elsewhere. :) He is not capable of emotional relationships.

Best wishes in the future, :)

Wondergirl - I don't ask him often. But you know in a relationship he should be able to be open and at least tell me how it affects him. I thought :S

And choux - he is capable of relationships, he's had them before and me and him are very happy.

I think its just me wanting to know too much but I don't know

I must respectfully disagree with Choux. Many people with autism and aspergers are quite capable of emotional relationships. The fact that your boyfriend is so very sensitive about his condition is a good thing, in the sense that he has set a boundary with you. Respect that boundary. Some things are so painful or cause such painful memories, speaking of them can take a level of trust between two people that is nearly impossible to achieve. The fact that he writes you notes about his feelings and the closeness that has developed in the relationship is totally awesome. Best wishes.

Thanks simone. Great advice. All my relationships I've been in we've always been 100% honest about EVERYTHING but I wasn't sure how far to take it because of his autism. But thanks. Ill leave it. Wait and see if there is a time where he wants to tell me x

A *fifteen year old girl* doesn't need to get involved with a guy who has autism as a BOYFRIEND!

That is just ridiculous in my opinion.

I don't see why his autism should make any difference, he's perfectly capable of a relationship. We've been mates for a long time and I actually have true feelings for him. And as his mother has told me it's better he be with someone like that rather than someone desperate for a boyfriend who goes for him because he's an 'easy' target and he'd stay with her because 'no-one else will have him'

thanks simone. great advice. all my relationships iv been in we've always been 100% honest about EVERYTHING but i wasn't sure how far to take it because of his autism. but thanks. ill leave it. wait and see if ther is a time where he wants to tell me x
Autistic people have amazing qualities -- they tend to be loyal friends/spouses, are very capable of career success, don't mind the day-to-day drudgery of jobs and even of life that annoys so many of us, are usually very smart and well-read, have a very droll sense of humor, are able to focus on and put their whole heart into tasks until they are finished. Their major problem is in the realm of social life; they prefer to be alone or with people they know and are comfortable with--and are not party animals.

A *fifteen year old girl* doesn't need to get involved with a guy who has autism as a BOYFRIEND!

That is just ridiculous in my opinion.



I have a dear friend with an autistic daughter - she excels in many areas, has been and is in a relationship for quite some time.

I don't see the word "ridiculous" in this situation. I do see the word "discriminatory," though.

Balancer - this is a discriminatory statement.

[QUOTE=Comments on this post
Sunflowers agrees: agrees it is a bad idea to decide to have autistic bf
:)[/QUOTE]



And why is that?

Put any other word describing any other minority or person with an illness in the place of "autistic" and it's no less discriminatory.

A *fifteen year old girl* doesn't need to get involved with a guy who has autism as a BOYFRIEND!

That is just ridiculous in my opinion.

Narrow-minded? Handicap-hater??

A 15 year-old girl should be focusing on her studies. A lot of girls that age cannot handle dating very well. Their grades tend to go downhill when they start dating boys, esp sb autistic because they need more attention.

But you'll be surprised how mature some 15 year olds can be, Choux.

We answerers are here to help as outsiders. So you should know by now that YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO STATE YOUR OPINIONS AS FACTS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND OR ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION.

NO, HAVING AN AUTISTIC BF IS NOT RIDICULOUS, WHAT IS RIDICULOUS IS THAT FOR YEARS THAT YOU'VE BEEN ON THIS SITE, CHOUX, YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AND JUDGMENTAL CRITICISM.

PEOPLE ON THIS SITE ASK FOR YOUR HELP, NOT FOR YOUR JUDGMENT BASED ON PERSONAL BIAS. Please keep your personal bias against a 15-year-old girl and her mildly autistic boyfriend to yourself.

You might be proud that you're the tough one on this site trying to make a wake up call or something. Guess what, some people with problem here have much better judgment that you do. They don't need a wake up call from you, because at least they know what they're doing.

My 12-year-old brother-in-law is autistic; while he may not "get" things the way you and I do, he has the sweetest heart you could ever imagine.

On the other hand, my ex's sister has Asperger's, which is mild autism. She can hold a job, drive a car, be in a relationship, etc. If you don't understand the condition, it would be best not to comment on the situation at hand.

My 12-year-old brother-in-law is autistic; while he may not "get" things the way you and I do, he has the sweetest heart you could ever imagine.

On the other hand, my ex's sister has Asperger's, which is mild autism. She can hold a job, drive a car, be in a relationship, etc. If you don't understand the condition, it would be best not to comment on the situation at hand.

Yeah it also makes me think that certain people believe that autistic people don't deservee love well I am happy to hear that you feel that when my six year old autistic son gets older that he doesn't deserve happiness that normal people do stop commenting if you can't think about your answers before you let them just fall out of your mouth

Hey everyone. Not been on here for a while just thought I'd update you. I'm still with my boyfriend, and we're really happy. Your advice about letting him talk to me about his condition in his own time really helped... it took him a while but he has sat down and spoken to me about it :) I love him so much and can see us being together for a while. Thank you all so much for your advice.
Apart from you choux. Every question I've asked that you've answered your reply has been absolute rubbish! I think you need to start to to think about your answers and stop being so insulting.
Thank you again to the rest of you :)

hey everyone. not been on here for a while just thought i'd update you. i'm still with my boyfriend, and we're really happy. your advice about letting him talk to me about his condition in his own time really helped... it took him a while but he has sat down and spoken to me about it :) i love him so much and can see us being together for a while. thank you all so much for your advice.
apart from you choux. every question i've asked that you've answered your reply has been absolute rubbish! i think you need to start to to think about your answers and stop being so insulting.
thank you again to the rest of you :)
Recently, my husband and I finally figured out that he has Asperger's. Now so many things I used to get angry about make total sense. Yes, read up on Asperger's and autism. I hope the two of you communicate even better than you have been.

Sorry, I know this story was a while ago. I am in fact the same age as the person above, have an autistic boyfriend and I totally disagree 100% with 'Choux'. Doing some research I have noticed that it is totally normal for people with autism to show their feelings as well as non autistic people do and generally don't think the same way as non autistic people. If you love the person, you have to just keep trying and understand that the person is different. I guess you just need patience and a warm heart. 'Choux' can go to hell (:

Sorry, I know this story was a while ago. I am in fact the same age as the person above, have an autistic boyfriend and I totally disagree 100% with 'Choux'. Doing some research I have noticed that it is totally normal for people with autism to show their feelings as well as non autistic people do and generally don't think the same way as non autistic people. If you love the person, you have to just keep trying and understand that the person is different. I guess you just need patience and a warm heart. 'Choux' can go to hell (:

Sorry, I know this story was a while ago. I am infact the same age as the person above, have an autistic boyfriend and I totally disagree 100% with 'Choux'. Doing some research I have noticed that it is totally normal for people with autism to show their feelings as well as non autistic people do and generally don't think the same way as non autistic people. If you love the person, you have to just keep trying and understand that the person is different. I guess you just need patience and a warm heart. 'Choux' can go to hell (:
Since I have up-close and personal experience with autism in my immediate family, I will bravely disagree with you that people with autism show their feelings as easily and as well as do "normal" people. They don't; it is very difficult for them to empathize with others.

Read books by the world's most famous autistic-Asperger's person, Temple Grandin, who has a PhD in animal science and has made the farm animal industry rethink how we deal with those animals. There are web sites by and about her and her work, plus web sites that contain lots of helpful information about autism. In fact, we hope to add an Asperger's/Autism board to this site very soon.

Honestly mendonime, I agree with you. I've had an autistic boyfriend for 4 months, and I absolutely love him, but the hardest lesson I'm learning with him is that sometimes he just needs space, either physical or emotional like your boy is asking. Just talk it out, ask what he needs as far as relating with you and each of you should set some boundaries. I don't think it's nearly impossible to have a relationship with an autistic person as long as you're willing to compromise.