I am new here and have been reading several threads which have offered me a lot of enlightenment and support. It feels a bit odd to be writing this, but if hearing what you can say about other’s predicaments offers me support, maybe you can shed some enlightenment to what I am going through too.

I have been with this loving and beautiful guy in a very loving and respectful relationship for more than 2 years now. 7-8 months of which have stood the test of a long-distance relationship. During the entire relationship, everything was going really well, we rarely fought, we are not clingy to each other, we supported each other, we had great careers, we were each other’s best friend, and all you can think of in a happy and blissful relationship. We never made a lot of good friends though as well (we are expatriates in a foreign land), and mostly just kept to ourselves. So our worlds revolved around each other.

A few months ago, I noticed that it has gone stale. He is still so respectful and caring and loving and all that you would like a man to be in a relationship and we still talk a lot and do things together, but you notice it if the lack of the fire is not burning right? We have been through phases when we sizzled in bed, at times it’s dry, and it goes back to sizzling again. But I guess we just stayed in dry for the past few months.

I kept on asking him if there’s anything wrong, why he isn’t turned on anymore, etc. but he insisted that all is OK, that he is just very pressured at work, all is fine, etc. Of course, I knew I had to find out. So I started to dig through his emails, Facebook, etc. to look for answers. Until I saw a short email he sent a friend where he said that yes, we have been together for a while now, how time flies and he didn’t even realize, but he is not sure if I am the one.

Heartbreaking! I had to demand an explanation and refused to talk to him until he is honest with me, until he finally told me that he has never been in a serious and deep relationship before, and doesn’t know what to do, and he has been wondering where the relationship is headed, if we should go the next level, if he wants to go the next level with me, and feels that we have lost the spark in the relationship.

I am the kind of person who regards marriage as something that a person deeply in love does – once or twice in ones lifetime. He regards it as something final, something you cannot undo. His parents have been together forever and to this age still holds hands and are very affectionate to each other and he has always talked about it being the ideal marriage.

I told him that after knowing what I know, I cannot stay in the house and in the relationship anymore – until he marries me. And for me, it wasn’t about marriage; it was about knowing that this man loves me enough to do anything to keep me in his life. But he said no, he cannot do it just for the sake of doing it.

So there I was in a state of limbo. But kept firm through it all and finally found a place to move. One night when he arrived home, he told me that "yes" he was going to marry me. He said that his mother was able to help him think more clearly when she told him “You are both very happy together and I see nothing wrong. If you are looking for a relationship where sparks fly all the time, you cannot find it. If you think sparks still fly between me and your father, you’re mistaken. Its hard work, and we keep working at it. In the past few years, I may have packed my bags twice or three times and almost left, but I stayed because your father is my rock. Marriage is about being each other’s support system. Work it out with her, if you really love her. If it doesn’t work out, then you will always have divorce, but at least you tried and you shouldn’t just give up if you love her.”

He said that maybe it’s just his fear that’s stopping him from making that decision. And once he gets over that, all will be OK. And he will marry me because he doesn't want to lose me. I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he cannot and will not let me go. And I asked him if it was just his tactic to keep me for a bit longer, to which he replied “no”, because if it was just that, he knew I will never forgive him if he did that. And that he was now fully committed to me, no matter what.

So moving out plans were cancelled, we were in a blissful state again and celebrated Xmas Holidays at his parents place who I met for the first time. And when we were back in the country we were based, everything was sweet and romantic. At this point, I really didn’t care if the proper proposal was coming, I just want us to be happy and in love.

A few weeks later, we had minor disagreements and this has brought back the confused days again. One night, I just asked him if he was feeling "it" again, and he said yes and he doesn’t know why. So very calmly, I told him I need to move out, and give us both the space to figure out what we really want, or we were going to keep repeating this cycle over and over again.

I have found a place, and while awaiting a moving date, we were still going out, and acting like a normal couple. Initially, we planned to live apart for a while but will still be together. But when I moved out, I told him that I was breaking up with him because he cannot have the best of both worlds, and that I am not going to wait for him anymore not because I love him less or have lost hope, but because I have to move on with my life and make the most out of it.

A week ago, I finally moved out. He was there all along with me helping me move out and all, and he told me “we will get through this – in a positive way, I’m very positive.” “I love you, remember that.” Of course there were tears and drama and all.

So there I was, being a brave lady, living on my own. He emails and texts from time to time about stuff, which I know he uses as an excuse to keep in touch. Just last night, he called me to ask about things, etc. This has broken down the strength I mastered and as soon as I arrived home, I just broke down and cried for the first time after the move-out. I wanted to call him and tell him how alone I felt without him, but decided against it as I knew it wouldn’t change things or anything about our situation. But the phone rang, and it was him, and he heard me crying. And came over straight away – we only love 5 minutes away from each other.

We talked and had a heart to heart…

Him: “I can easily see being with you for years and live the life we are living. But I still don’t know why I am hesitating. You are the best thing that happened to me. All that I want and need from a relationship, I find it with you. I love you and I want to be with you.”

Me: “Maybe you want what the relationship gives you, but its not me you want?”

He was silent for a while and said: “ But you are the relationship. You make the relationship.”

Me: “I think it is best to part ways right now. You definitely need to figure things out for yourself and I am not going to put my life in a pause just to wait for you to figure it out. If we are meant to be, we are meant to be. I am going to find what I deserve as well: A man who will not think twice about me and will always hold the spark for me. And I cannot find that man, if you stick around.”

I told him that I am afraid that what I look for may not exist because they always say that a few years into the relationship, it is about companionship, friendship, etc. He has the same fears – that the right one for him may have been me all along, and it would be too late to get back together.

And then we talked about sex, that for him its just a means of scratching an itch and I shouldn’t look at it as a basis for how he feels for me. But I am a sexual person, and I view sex as the ultimate way to connect to a partner. It is not all of the relationship, but somehow summarizes it.

These are the only times that we have a heart to heart because most of the times we are not good with sharing how we really feel about stuff, and situations we are in, etc.

I ended it that night. I told him that I have never felt more loved but most unattractive in my entire life, and I need to find myself and my power back again. I know I am a very attactive woman and can attract really attractive guys as well and I am not going to compromise anymore. I asked him not to call me or keep in touch with me anymore. I made it clear to him that we are not just temporarily breaking up, but breaking up for good (as this was what he still believed in his mind).

Something in my heart tells me that in the next few weeks or months, he will want to come back. I just know men enough to know that you have to leave them to themselves sometimes to figure things out on their own. But I am not going to wait for that day anymore. Cause there is always the possibility that that day may not come.

I know I will still be waiting till I get tired of waiting. But he doesn't need to know this. It is very hard. As we always did things together. And he has been home for me for the past 2-3 years now. Other times, I am hopeful that he will come around. Other times, I feel that I have lost him forever.

I can easily see myself with him for the rest of my life. But I feel that I am the only one trying. It is time for him to do his part and

Tell me… Are we both just being superficial and looking for something that doesn’t exist?

How do get through the next few days which will be the hardest?

Let me know if you have found yourself in this situation before.

I'm in a situation just like that sorry for being a blender but to be honest stay with him he will come around some how and yous will be happy but just one thing don't wait to long because the longer you wait the more hurtful you get I don't blame you thou love is a really strong thing . But god bless you and all the best to you hope yous get married and he makes up his mind aww that's from a guys pointer view thank you hope I helped you

Your very well written, (and long, but an easy read) so I will just say, stay single, and have fun.

The game you two played wasn't enough to keep you together, so a nice long break to let the emotional dust settle, and get your feelings under control, is what will give you a clearer perspective.

Stay busy with what you enjoy doing.

Not a good sign, you could have worked together better, but it also seems like you backed him into a corner, and threatened his comfort zone.

I am with Tal on this one.

You gave an ultimatum. You want him to marry you or your done and through. Sorry but in a relationship there should be no ultimatum.

As far as him not thinking sex is that important. Guess what I am in the same thinking it is not the most important part of the relationship and if that is how how you think and he does not think that way. Well there needs to be meeting of half way, but there is a lot more to a relationship then sex and marriage.

I do not understand why you pushed that on him it was not fair on your part.

Joe

Hi Talaniman and Jesushelper.

Thanks for the response.

Sorry my initial message was long, I wanted you to get the clearest picture possible. :)

I guess I am too much of a "woman" that I find it a waste of time to wait for someone to make up his mind about me, no matter how much I love him, because I believe in loving myself first.

He is also a person who finds it hard to take risks. He recently started his own business because I pushed him to go for what he wants. He always wanted to do it, but always had cold feet. Now he is a great success even after just a few months into doing it, and he has always creditted me for pushing him.

I feel that he needs the push, and either he wants me or not... And I have always believed that a man will do anything -even if its out of his comfort zone- if he wants the woman.

Just an update, this guy has decided to marry me.

I know this may sound crazy as this is what I want anyway- but is this the right thing to do? Am I just pushing him? And maybe he will hate me one day for pushing him?

And for all those of you who has gone through a proposal before, is it supposed to be romantic as shown in movies? Or very adult in real life? Like how carrie and big decided to get married in sex and the city movie? (dont laugh!)

As far as him not thinking sex is that important. Guess what I am in the same thinking it is not the most important part of the relationship and if that is how how you think and he does not think that way. Well there needs to be meeting of half way, but there is a lot more to a relationship then sex and marriage.

Joe

Oh and by the way, we have figured out the sex part. The break has done us good ;)

Just an update, this guy has decided to marry me.

I know this may sound crazy as this is what I want anyway- but is this the right thing to do? Am I just pushing him? And maybe he will hate me one day for pushing him?

And for all those of you who has gone through a proposal before, is it supposed to be romantic as shown in movies? Or very adult in real life? Like how carrie and big decided to get married in sex and the city movie? (dont laugh!)

One day he decided to marry you and the next day he changes his mind, and the circle continues.After reading your post I personally think you pushed him into this marriage, and it surely does not seem like this is going to end well.I hope it does for your sake

Why am I seeing a pattern of behavior here,that's about you pushing him to do what you think is right, no matter his feelings? You may well be the dominant feature of this relationship, and I am assuming your doing it for you both, but is their equality or equity here?

Having said that, I think some serious talking needs to happen, and some real defining of the roles, needs to be established, as I can see some resentments, and red flags already.

He may go along now, but what if he resists at some points. Will you stay, and work together?

What if you don't like his handling of things? Will you stay, and work together? Or will there be more ultimatums, and separation? Is this manipulation, for what you want? Are you together because he lets you lead?? Just food for thought.

As to the romantic proposal you want, that's up to the both of you, and have you given him an answer to his proposal? Or will you insist on all the pomp and ceremony? Talk to him, and see what he says, is my first instinct.

Hi dare81 and talaniman,

Thanks for your thoughts.

I can definitely see the cycle myself, hence I moved out - to put an end to it.

And though he has come back to me with a decision, I am still giving it the benefit of the doubt - until it happens.

I think I have painted a very bad of picture of me here but let me tell you that those "ultimatum' conversations were done through an adult talk : no screaming and wailing. But two people talking to each other and just sharing what they want and need from the relationship - and me calmly saying that I am walking out because I deserve better, because i believe that if we are meant to be, the same wind will bring us together again - and that I dont hate him for any decision that he has made or about to make.
(and to quote him telling me "how can you be so nice to me after all I put you through?")

The past days apart has indeed pushed us to look at how we really feel, which people can take for granted when they are in each other's pockets.

He says that the past few days has made him realize how he really feels for me - and that he has made this decision not because I asked him to but because he chooses to.

And just to point it out, I am not going to let him marry me either if it were under those terms. I am a lot better than that.

I think it is different this time - as we are now 2 people who have thought it over and not just 2 people who are afraid of losing each other.

I am not as demanding as I paint myself to be. I'd like to believe that in our relationship, I don't have all the say. If it was like that, I would have left him a long time ago as I don't want a doormat.


I am a strong woman yes, and may compromise about some things and strongly not compromise about certain things. That may just be what is attractive about me :)

If your going to be in a relationship. Compromise is very important.

Best wishes to you both.

As I have posted before, I am dating a man who never wants to get married. I wish I was a strong as you! Deciding to move out and try to move on with your life, even though you still loved him. Good luck to you. :)

This is the main part of your situation that sticks out for me...


A few months ago, I noticed that it has gone stale. He is still so respectful and caring and loving and all that you would like a man to be in a relationship and we still talk a lot and do things together, but you notice it if the lack of the fire is not burning right? We have been through phases when we sizzled in bed, at times it’s dry, and it goes back to sizzling again. But I guess we just stayed in dry for the past few months.


I had to demand an explanation and refused to talk to him until he is honest with me, until he finally told me that he has never been in a serious and deep relationship before, and doesn’t know what to do, and he has been wondering where the relationship is headed, if we should go the next level, if he wants to go the next level with me, and feels that we have lost the spark in the relationship.


So, both of you agreed the spark has been missing for some time, and he recently e-mailed a friend that he wasn't certain that you were "the one". Your next response is to give him an ultimatum? He has to marry you or you're gone. And of course, now after some time alone in a strange land with NO FRIENDS to talk to, your boyfriend has come around and decided that he wants to marry you. I don't think I'm the only person here who can see that this is a recipe for disaster. You may be feeling blissfully in love right now, but I wouldn't bet on this situation lasting. Is there any way you can get couples counseling in the nation you're in? I really think you'd benefit from it.

I had dinner with a common friend of ours last night who has a psychology background. Im not saying this counts for counselling, but this is a guy who has known him for years and knows both of us and has seen the relationship develop- and can give an objective point of view.

The way he is seeing it, my boyfriend is just putting too much pressure in the relationship, and worrying too much about what's down the line 50 years from now, that he is destroying the good stuff that he has at present. This might have started everything that he started to feel- or overwhelmed how he really feels for me.

I guess there really are no answers is there? As we cannot predict the future and can only make smart guesses.

I honestly believe in the relationship. And that is not the "head over heels in love" part of me talking. It is the "logical" part of me that thinks this is a very good partnership.

But if two people keep on trying, I think that counts?

As I have posted before, I am dating a man who never wants to get married. I wish I was a strong as you! Deciding to move out and try to move on with your life, even though you still loved him. Good luck to you. :)

Have you seen the movie HE's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU? And if you have, you will find that Jen's live in partner of 7 years refuses to marry her because marriage doesn't mean anything to him. But in the end, he decides to marry her, because he feels that the only shot he has at happiness is to make her happy.

Now this is love.

As they say. "sure" is for those people who don't love enough. :)

As someone who has been married for 33 years, let me give you some advice.

You have to expect that people will change, and adapt to that change. Sex is one such issue. What may seem the norm in your relationship in the first couple of years I can assure you is not the norm over time.

Stress, differences in personalities, changes in eachothers priorities, children, money problems, etc. all lead to a dismal sex life from time to time. If you think beyond the here and now, and think long term instead, you realize that, if the foundation is strong, you can weather these temporary storms and get past them.

That he is not yet ready to marry, is not a fault. It is a sign of maturity that he takes it as seriously as he does not to be pressured into marriage or else! His thoughts and concerns are enough for him to put the brakes on, and him needing time to be sure, does not mean that the relationship has to end. You need to respect his reservations, and give him time, not an ultimatum.

Him not wanting to marry, right now, does not mean he does not want to marry you.

Are you really sure you can afford to give up this relationship without giving him some space and due regard for his own needs, in order for him to reach the same goal as you?

You may be thinking that he will never come around, and you could be right. I would have instead, given him a reasonable amount of time to make up his mind. Six months, a year at most. During that time, allow him to come to his own conclusions, in his own time, without pressure. If, at the end of an agreed upon time he is still unable to make a commitment, then I would end the relationship.

My impression is that you are trying to steer the relationship too quickly to a set conclusion. Considering all the good qualities in him, and in your relationship together, is he not worth a little time?

If you think beyond the here and now, and think long term instead, you realize that, if the foundation is strong, you can weather these temporary storms and get past them.


I totally agree with you Jake. Marriage is all about the foundation that two people have and can build together. In the end, what makes a marriage work is the desire to make it want to work.

I would just like to make it clear that I did not give him an ultimatum. I walked out because the pain was dragging me down already, and the waiting was doing me no good anymore. And aren't we supposed to love ourselves first and foremost?

I left not because I wanted to leave the life we have built, but I wanted to give him the chance to think it through - without pressure. And he wouldn't be able to do that when I am hanging around. Sometimes, the only way to see things more clearly is to take a step back to see the bigger picture.

I think that has done both of us good. He has indeed thought it over and realized that yes, I mean that much to him to marry me.

But I am not moving back in yet. Maybe wait until the wedding? I am enjoying the time apart as I am growing on my own as well, and I like what the time apart has done to rekindle the fire.:)

Have you seen the movie HE's JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU? And if you have, you will find that Jen's live in partner of 7 years refuses to marry her because marriage doesnt mean anything to him. But in the end, he decides to marry her, because he feels that the only shot he has at happiness is to make her happy.

Now this is love.

As they say. "sure" is for those people who dont love enough. :)


OMG yes. I cried my eyes out. Haha. Ya that's how it feels too. My boyfriend even said it was eerie how similar it was to us. Haha.

Hi there,
I am in the same kind of situation now,me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years,it was he who proposed me and who insisted on commitment and marriage.we had a vry good and great moments together even though we had small fights in between that was common in every relationship.Initially I was not ready for all these things like love and marriage rather didn't thought of these things as I want to concentrate on my carrier I am a medical student by the way.It was when this person who made me think that I should have someone special in my life as days went on and as we spent time together I totally fell for him and I started loving him madly... then started our small small fights,but we were back again had our great time together...
Actually this person was not sure about commitment(coz he used to say I am committed and sometimes he used to fear about his parents).But then I used to believe whatever he said what he felt for me.Then last month we had a small fight and I stopped contacting him expecting him to come back(coz it was his mistake) as I expected he called me on July 1st to wish me on doctors day.I thought everything was normal I spoke to him normally.But something was missing from his side.I asked him what's wrong He says"i can't marry you".I asked him is this your final decision he says "ya it is".withou asking for a reason I let him to go.we didn't spoke for 5 days and then he contacted me to ask me howz everything going with me.I said everything is fine and we had a casual talk.
Then after he called me or text me everyday saying "i love you" at the end (but I didn't responed because I believe when you love someone truly then you would marry them) we used to have a vry casual talks.But day before y'day we were having our casual talks and suddenly he asked me whether I still love him or not I said you I do.I asked him can he live without me and he said no I cant.I then asked him did you felt bad for leaving me he says "no i never felt bad".I broke into tears and I asked him then why did return? He says "I know u suffer alot when suchthings(he means our break up) happen with u wont be able to concentrate on ur routine so i just wanted to tell u that concentrate on ur carrier.I was Confused by his statements....he says he can't marry me coz his parents wont accept me(but before making those promises he dint realized that his parents wont accept me??) .I said nothing i just said its ur wish... then he asked me whats ur wish i said "when you took your decision it doesn't make any difference if I wish something else"... and I kept the phone.


Iam totally confused by hs stamente he can't live without me but he can't marry me? Which was true he know... I need your help to make things clear does he loves me truly or else he was just passing time until he gets married to the one of his parents choice.But I love him madly and like a crazy there were many nights which I spent just by crying... I used to broke up into tears whenever he calls me... he is a nice person he used to say about our relationship after getting married how he's going to manage things to make me comfortable... the thought of marriage that made me fell for him madly because he used to be so sweet to talk about our marriage and kids... But now he says he can't marry me... without a genuine reason... I don't know what to do.whether to contact him or not.. whether should I receive his calls if he contacts me.what are his feelings for me? I am totally confused... please help... I still love him madly...

I agree with the others
You gave him an ultimatium because you want him to confirm to what you want and that is marriage. He has told you that he could be happy with you in a relationship for the rest of his life (without marriage in his mind) So you are having a tug of war over marriage.
I think that the only way you may break the cycle is leave the marriage thing alone and just go with the flow or move on and do your own thing.
For now you probably are doing what is best but don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

His mom is right commitment makes a relationship not sparks.
He may well be committed to you in his heart and never want to leave you I DO's or NO I DO's