I am 21 and my boyfriend is 23. We have been living together for a year and a half. I seriously think he is obsessed with porn. I understand that guys will look at porn, but he looks at either porn or will just look up different porn girls or models every single time he is on the computer. When we first moved in he use to look at girls while I was asleep next to him in bed! I talked to him and told him how disrespectful it was for him to do it and asked him not to look at that kind of stuff while I'm not home. I'm not prude or anything I will always try anything once. We use to have a good sex life we would have sex all the time, but now we have sex once a week or once every two weeks. So our sex life sucks now. I'm always saying I want to have sex all the time but he never wants to. All he wants to do is look at his porn and then jerk off in the shower at least 2 times a day. But anytime he is on the computer he will delete the history so I can't see what he is looking at. And recently I keep catching him looking at it when I'm in the other room sleeping or just watching TV when I asked him not to. And he doesn't only have one site open he will have 3 or 4 open at a time. Like I said I understand every guy looks at porn but is it normal for him to have to look at something every single time he turns the computer on? If its not porn he's looking at he's looking at some beautiful girl. He's not one of those guys who gives compliments out so he never tells me I look pretty ever so it just makes me feel so insucure that he is looking at such beautiful girls. So basically what I am asking is, is it okay that he looks at porn so much even when I'm home and willing to do what the girls on those sites are doing? And how do you know when they are addicted to it? People always tell me that looking at porn can always cause them to go cheat because the are always wanting more. I just need help :(

Oh lord.

Okay, here's the thing: It doesn't matter if it's okay in general for him to look at porn, because it's NOT okay with you.

The only way, however, that you'd probably get his behaviour to stop is to get rid of the internet for a few months.

Or walk out. Obviously, if he can't live without porn, he's asking to live without you--and if you can't put up with the porn, then you can't live with him.

Will, you give up Mall shopping excusions or Soap operas, or trips out with your girlfriends... perhaps completely resign yourself to do only things HE approves of?

Because if you want to dictate what he can or can't do, then get ready to put yourself in the very same position of letting him dictate your every diversion.

Fair is fair. If you can't or won't do that then don't complain when the proverbial poop hits the fan eventually. Controlling behaviour isn't acceptable from either men or women. And is a sign of emotional immaturity and self esteme issues.

Its not like he watches it 8+ hours a day. And its NOT unusual for younger guys like him to be obsessed with sex. That's hormones and the fact they haven't yet learned self control. That doesn't stop for most normal guys but for those of us that have learned it, have learned to not let it run our lives.

Personally if any woman I was dating ever acted like that she got shown the door, and a few were. My wife doesn't dictate my diversions and I don't dictate hers.

And yes there will ALWAYS be better looking people out there... thats life. You have to accept that and learn that if someone is with you its because they want to be with you. Start to micromanage who he looks at, what he looks at and then you become less attractive to him at several levels. Jealousy and controlling behaviour are never attractive traits in a person, male or female.

Smoothy--

Would it be "demanding" if her boyfriend asked her to give up shopping because it was affecting their relationship? Say, for instance, that it was causing money problems, that affected them both?

She's asking him to cut back on the porn to devote more time to actual sex.

If porn cuts into the "funds" of a relationship, then it IS a problem--just like it would be a problem if he spent more time out with the guys at the bar every night than at home with his family.

I will tell you like I told another female.

You may have a real problem, porn is a bad thing for some guys, it consumes all of their time and energy. If he is watching porn while you are not around and he is masturbating a couple of times a day then that is probably satisfying his sexual needs.

I think you need to talk to him about the problem instead of just ignoring it, make a deal with him that he can watch porn if you are with him and if he gets aroused then you can start some foreplay then. The times that I have watched porn it was much more exciting when my wife was watching with me, and it resulted is some great sex.

This guy may have an addictive personality... a guy with addictions is to be avoided at all costs, girl. An addictive personality only cares about what he is addicted to... whether it is alcohol, porn, gambling, and so on. The partner of an addicted person really doesn't matter that much other than a means to support his ends.

A healthy man has work, hobbies, sports, friends... a well-rounded life from which to gain happiness and fulfillment...

This relationship is never going to get any better. Cut your losses, live and learn, and find a healthier man. Don't waste any time "helping" him; that is a ticket to futility-land.

Get yourself a studio apartment and get your act together, set some goals and love life! :)

Best wishes, :)

Smoothy--

Would it be "demanding" if her boyfriend asked her to give up shopping because it was affecting their relationship? Say, for instance, that it was causing money problems, that affected them both?

She's asking him to cut back on the porn to devote more time to actual sex.

If porn cuts into the "funds" of a relationship, then it IS a problem--just like it would be a problem if he spent more time out with the guys at the bar every night than at home with his family. I'm referring more to women that spend HOURS on end just looking at clothes and shoes window shopping... Not so much spend-o-holics. That's a better compairison in this case because nobody is bringing anything home, or going on "test drives", or "trying it on".

She said he looks at it ""twice a day" and more importantly she gets upset that he even looks at another woman. People look at other people... thats normal behaviour... not even looking at another and getting upset if someone does borderlines on obsessive in my mind.

There's a fine line, though.

If he's looking at others, but NOT appreciating what he has at home--then isn't he borderline cheating?

If I went out shopping, or online shopping twice a day, even if I didn't spend any money, and wouldn't let my husband look at WHERE I had been shopping, he'd be understandably upset. ESPECIALLY if I was shopping INSTEAD of having sex with him.

THere is likely a reason WHY he isn't that she either doesn't know or isn't telling us.

Plus there is a chance its retaliation for being nagged about looking at it. I know for me there is no faster mood killer than nagging.

Can't say for certain... just tossing some ideas out from a guys perspective.

Sounds to me like your man has become a horn dog and is addicted to his own fist. Porn addictions like he has are serious because he knows it hurts you when he's doing it and he tries to cover it up! He's not even trying to change!

If this was happening to me I'd wear lingerie around the house for a few days and not let him touch me. I'd tell him to go look at his porn. And if nothing changed I'd tell him to ease up on the porn or I'm out. You shouldn't have to put up with how he is making you feel. If he confesses he's addicted therapy is the only solution.

Smoothy--

Would it be "demanding" if her boyfriend asked her to give up shopping because it was affecting their relationship? Say, for instance, that it was causing money problems, that affected them both?

She's asking him to cut back on the porn to devote more time to actual sex.

If porn cuts into the "funds" of a relationship, then it IS a problem--just like it would be a problem if he spent more time out with the guys at the bar every night than at home with his family.

I had to spread the rep, but that's exactly what I was thinking when I was reading smoothy's answer

There are a few things to consider.

There is such a thing as ''Porn Addiction'', read up on it and any advice on confrontation and solving the problem. Whether he knows he has a problem or not, addicts of any kind find it near impossible to stop. An addict is an addict whether it be to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or porn. He needs help, not a fight.

Bearing that in mind, there is also a respect issue here. Perhaps couple's counselling and/or respectable relationships course would help with any trust and respect issues. Being a man doesn't mean he has the right to ignore your feelings for self gratification (and this is coming from a man fyi).

In retrospect, there are both several underlying reasons for the cause of problems and, there are several problems that are developing because of the main issue. Just remember, it's not your fault.

Good luck and I hope things work out. If not, you will find someone who will give you the love and respect you deserve.

If he has a problem or not might be questionable... but if you are going to ride his butt about this its no wonder he doesn't sleep with you more.

You know there isn't a bigger turn-OFF to a guy than a woman that tries to micromanage every minute of his day. He's 23 so he has raging hormones... this will taper off over time. But I'm not going to blame you 100% either... both of you here have a part in this.

If he has a problem or not might be questionable....but if you are going to ride his butt about this its no wonder he doesn't sleep with you more.

You know there isn't a bigger turn-OFF to a guy than a woman that trys to micromanage every minute of his day. He's 23 so he has raging hormones...this will taper off over time. But I'm not going to blame you 100% either....both of you here have a part in this.

A bit harsh, I think Smoothy.

They're both still very young - she's 21, for heaven's sake, and concerned because she doesn't know what's 'normal' or 'acceptable' - and clearly what he's doing is disturbing her. Think back to your early sexual relationships and remember the conflicting emotions you felt. Now add the internet and porno to the mix and it's pretty confusing.

That's the issue I reckon - she's distressed by his behaviour and it's affecting their relationship.

Raging hormones aside, male and female sexuality IS different and they both need to understand and learn about each others needs.

Communication is the key.

He's an addict.

Help him or leave him, frankly it's up to you.

The fact that you have stated many times that it offends you and he does not compliment/want sex/meet you half-way, means he has an addiction.

Ideally I would give him an ultimatum stop the porn, give me some physical/mental/sexual attention or move out!

I don't think that this is harsh or micromanaging, it's just asking for some RESPECT.

Cheers.

The fact that you already talked to him about it and he's not making a bit of effort (it seems like) to what your asking says to me and a few others of us that he is addicted. If he's not going to give his part in the relationship to try to level with you then it might be time to say bye bye.

He needs to listen to what you have to say and at least try to make a compromise of some sort. Because that is a big part of a relationship.. compromise.

A bit harsh, I think Smoothy.

They're both still very young - she's 21, for heaven's sake, and concerned because she doesn't know what's 'normal' or 'acceptable' - and clearly what he's doing is disturbing her. Think back to your early sexual relationships and remember the conflicting emotions you felt. Now add the internet and porno to the mix and it's pretty confusing.

That's the issue I reckon - she's distressed by his behaviour and it's affecting their relationship.

Raging hormones aside, male and female sexuality IS different and they both need to understand and learn about each others needs.

Communication is the key.

Some people need harsh. I hear too many women just nagging someone they claim to care about to death then complain about the resulting lack of sex. Young people in particular. THey see nothing wrong with deciding how, what, and how often their partner should be allowed to do anything, yet would get their panties in a knot of that was turned around on them... and yes I do mean EITHER the guy or girl doing it.

Now I am not pointing the finger at either party here... I think they very well both may be antagonizing the other, and both may be arrogant enough to think they can do anything they want and say anything they want while the other person can't.

The fact is he is an adult... and he is entitled to his share of "My space" where she isn't entitled to stick her nose into. He isn't cheating. And twice a day looking at porn isn't an addiction. Would going to two stores looking at shoes be a addiction for her? Would her watching a girl show on TV an equal amount of time be an addiction?

I'm not saying he can't get addicted (or that he is completely free of blame)... anyone might get addicted to anything out there. What I am seeing is another paranoid woman that rather than deal with her own insecurities about herself instead choses to destroy a relationship by micromanaging what HE can look at and when. We are hearing only her viewpoint, not his... thus it may be colored with her own misperceptions or pregjustices.

And like you said... communications is never a bad thing. But ranting and complaining isn't communications. Being calm and rational (and be willing to listen) when one talks IS what communications is all about. Not just flapping ones gums.

I tend to disagree, my partner looks up porn which I have no problem with because he has agreed to only look at it while I'm there.

The problem here is that he looks up porn constantly and has no interest in having sex with the OP, just jerking off in the shower.

She is not asking him to cut out the porn completely but just to not look at it while she isn't home.

I think that is completely fair.

If I was spending every waking hour shopping and my partner told me to cut back because I would be fie with it. He is not asking me to stop completely, just not go shopping every day.

In my opinion.. give him an ultimatum, either the porn or you.
That will tell you whether to find another man.

---edited because the OP posted over a month ago and hasn't come back so I think my post is pretty useless :)

I tend to disagree, my partner looks up porn which I have no problem with because he has agreed to only look at it while I'm there.

The problem here is that he looks up porn constantly and has no interest in having sex with the OP, just jerking off in the shower.

She is not asking him to cut out the porn completely but just to not look at it while she isn't home.

I think that is completely fair.

If I was spending every waking hour shopping and my partner told me to cut back because I would be fie with it. He is not asking me to stop completely, just not go shopping every day.

In my opinion.. give him an ultimatum, either the porn or you.
That will tell you whether or not to find another man.

---edited because the OP posted over a month ago and hasn't come back so I think my post is pretty useless :)
She says twice a day... at no point does she say constantly. And besides... all too many women on this site consider anything in excess of 5 minutes to be all the time from their perspective. I see a woman nagging a guy. He could be hagging out with his buddies... he could be hanging out in bars... she should be happy he choses to at least stay at home.

If nagging continues it WILL lead to cheating... resentment, and him walking out for good.


Communicating isn't nagging. I have no tollerance or sympathy for women (or men) who nag their partners.

A man viewing porn isn't disrespectful in any way shape or form. What is disrespectful is her refusing to acknowledge he is an adult who has the right to view porn at his own discretion (Assuming kiddy porn is not involved). THe world does not revolve around her likes and dislikes... and ever adult in it isn't subserviant to her whims. He isn't her subject... she needs to acknowledge and accept that He has things he likes to to , as well as does she... and unless she is willing to surrender her free will to what HE wants all the time. Then maybe she will understand that she is demanding HE give up his free will to her desires.

A relationship is a partnership... not a master / slave arraingement. She has to accept he will do some things she dislikes as well as him putting up with some things she does he dislikes. Its not about who can bully the other into having their way.

She says twice a day....at no point does she say constantly. And besides...all too many women on this site consider anything in excess of 5 minutes to be all the time from their perspective. I see a woman nagging a guy. He could be hagging out with his buddies...he could be hanging out in bars...she should be happy he choses to at least stay at home.

If nagging continues it WILL lead to cheating...resentment, and him walking out for good.

Communicating isn't nagging. I have no tollerance or sympathy for women (or men) who nag their partners.

That is a fair comment.
I guess I just took it as "all the time"

And you are right about the resentment.

That is a fair comment.
I guess I just took it as "all the time"

And you are right about the resentment.Yes... after all how many women who whine about porn spend the ENTIRE DAY at the Shopping mall just looking around? I'll bet more than a few.

Some people need harsh. I hear too many women just nagging someone they claim to care about to death then complain about the resulting lack of sex. Young people in particular. THey see nothing wrong with deciding how, what, and how often their partner should be allowed to do anything, yet would get their panties in a knot of that was turned around on them....and yes I do mean EITHER the guy or girl doing it.

Now I am not pointing the finger at either party here... I think they very well both may be antagonizing the other, and both may be arrogant enough to think they can do anything they want and say anything they want while the other person can't.

The fact is he is an adult...and he is entitled to his share of "My space" where she isn't entitled to stick her nose into. He isn't cheating. And twice a day looking at porn isn't an addiction. Would going to two stores looking at shoes be a addiction for her? Would her watching a girl show on TV an equal amount of time be an addiction?

I'm not saying he can't get addicted (or that he is completely free of blame)....anyone might get addicted to anything out there. What I am seeing is another paranoid woman that rather than deal with her own insecurities about herself instead choses to destroy a relationship by micromanaging what HE can look at and when. We are hearing only her viewpoint, not his....thus it may be colored with her own misperceptions or pregjustices.

And like you said....communications is never a bad thing. But ranting and complaining isn't communications. Being calm and rational (and be willing to listen) when one talks IS what communications is all about. Not just flapping ones gums.

Sorry Smoothy, but I think that you're going a 'bit over the top here'.

... paranoid woman... insecurities... micromanaging??

These are your assumptions, and your projections I might add.

Give the poor woman a break - she's 21, she anxious, she's learning about her sexuality and his.

Sometimes compassion is more appropriate than harshness.

Amazing how the subject gets turned around to something it is not.
Back on topic.

You need to educate yourself about porn and porn addiction. Many on here poo poo the idea that porn is the number one addiction in the country today and that is their right. But if you do a search on either the web or here and read all about how many people are seriously concerned about the use of porn in their relationships it just might wake you up. If it bothers you enough to come on this forum and ask, it is a problem. He needs to understand that it is becoming a problem. You need to understand that it is not your fault. It is his problem, and unless and until he is willing to face the problem head on and deal with it there is no chance for you. Like with any addiction it will ultimately kill your relationship, so maybe you need to take a real hard look and decide if this guy is worth it or not.

Whether it is an addiction needs to be diagnosed by a SPECIALIST.

All the OP can decide is whether she can live with the current use of porn by her boyfriend.

Once again, this has become a debate of 'good' versus 'evil' with porn as the subject.

The OP hasn't been back since March.

Take further discussion regarding porn and it's evils or benefits to the Members discussions boards.

This thread is closed.