Hello, this is my first post here. I'm having a hard time getting over the breakup with my boyfriend of 2 yrs. We had a good relationship, had fun with each other, etc. 8 months. Ago he decided to move out of state and accepted a new job and wanted me to move with him as soon as I could find a job there. I was in the midst of selling my condo and getting a divorce. He wanted me to do all that after I moved and I said no, that I needed to take care of things before moving on. Saw him when we both were able to, maybe 5 times since he moved. About a month or so ago he seemed more distant, then recently made statements that it's not working, we can't be in a long distant relationship forever, etc. We used to talk just about every night, then he stated turning off his cell phone on some nights. I called him and said, 'so you didn't want to talk to me again last night', and then I asked if he was *'ing around and he said Yes, and hung up! Then he e-mailed me that I had my chance to move down there and as usual I didn't even try (not true) and he said I could 'do all that' from down there (get the divorce) and it's ironic that my husband is doing it from Texas (he had divorce papers drawn up, which we agreed on) and that I have no one to blame but myself. Goodbye'
That's how he ended it and I haven't responded and he hasn't contacted me either. It's been 8 long days and I'm trying to get over how he has treated me. My head says, don't even shed another tear for that *sshole but my heart still hurts.

Yes it's a common factor that the heart is weak compared to our head. Its best in some instances to listen to our head and slowly slowly the process of healing happens sometimes without us noticing.

8 days is still fresh, of course you are going to hurt, but believe me when I say time does heal.

That you can't get over him that quickly actually speaks well of you since a fast recovery means you don't take this stuff seriously. Please know that this is a significant loss you have experienced, much like a death would be. The duration of the grief period differs from person to person but the process of grieving is very similar for each of us. Allow that you are grieving and that grief makes you fragile. This is a time to be extra careful with yourself. You might want to look at a few books about grieving too, and talk to your friends too-- those who have experienced it will undoubtedly have some interesting things to say. And read through some of the posts here about breakups to find examples of what to do and not do. My condolences for your loss, Midnight and take it easy for a while, slow and easy, okay?

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I am taking it easy as best I can. It just really hurts and it's disturbing that someone can be so mean and hurtful and then blame the other person because they might feel guilty for doing something wrong, like hooking up with someone else without talking about it first. I mean, just the decency to talk to me, not hang up on me, and then e-mail me to break up!!

Do you think he is hurt that you chose to make a decision based on your ex rather than your future with him? Then when he acts distant, you accuse him of cheating? It doesn't really matter... you had your reasons that you don't need to explain to us... but just know that sometimes our decisions have consequences.


And it doesn't sound like you really know what is going on... he could have just said yes he is messing around out of hurt or rejection... or he could be doing it. You don't know. But right now he doesn't think that it is working the way it is, so you have 2 choices, move there or break up. And you made your choice not to move. Don't worry about what is going on over there... worry about taking care of your life that you stayed to do... that was your priority, so take care of it. Let him go if he wants to go...

For your loss, I am sorry... you need someone who is accepting and supportive of your goals and what is going on in your life. Keep thinking that. If he doesn't want to end things the mature way, then that will be on his shoulders. You could wait some time then email him back and say how you are feeling about the way it ended, but then let it go.

Hope that helps... you seem to be strong and doing the right thing so far!

Thank you again for the replies. Just more info, the condo was sold in June and my soon 2b ex-husband sent divorce papers a few weeks later to me. I wanted to get these things done before moving with the boyfriend, but I guess he didn't want to wait. So I made the choice not to move but planned on moving when that was take care of. It would've been too much for me to handle... selling condo, divorce, moving to new state with boyfriend, new job... too much stress. Thought he would understand but he said I had no intention of moving, Not true! But I did want more time to be sure that's what would be good for me. I'm trying not to think about what's going on with him but I seem to be obsessing about it. The phone hang up and e-mail happened at work and I ended up a big crying mess (hate when that happens). Luckily my co-workers were understanding and supportive. I guess time will tell and will heal. I am in counseling and was told that maybe down the line, depending on how I feel, I could write him, like you say Yelo.

Well, good for you knowing what is best for you... not everyone will always agree. And getting help through this time is a great idea... Keep us posted! Just be patient with your grieving! IT will get easier. :)

Unfortunately long distance relationships rarely work. Sure he wanted you to move with him but what adjustments was he willing to make for you? Did he have to take that new job in a new state right then and there? Obviously you can't just pack up with your old life and instantly move to a new location, etc. etc. Especially when going through a divorce, which brings me to my second point. Not even being legally divorced yet, are you really ready for a whole new relationship? I think that right now you need some time to heal ; I don't honestly believe you're ready to give yourself wholeheartedly to someone entirely new and won't be for a while. All things considered I wouldn't fret too much about this relationship coming to an end as that's what was bound to happen anyhow.

Thank you s-c. What you say has brought me back to center. I have some internal work to do regarding feelings of loneliness and always needing a man in my life. Ever since I started dating back in high school I was rarely not in a relationship, and I've been married for 18 yrs. I definitely have to heal from getting divorced, it's not even final yet. I let myself get involved with the now ex-bf, and could be one reason to not deal with my separation. Not proud of that fact, but he was filling a need, but I must have been filling a need in him too. How can I feel comfortable and happy living and being by myself?

Get to know yourself... relearn what you like, how you think, how you feel, what makes you smile, what makes you happy... what makes you sad and what makes you scared...

So when Mr. right comes along, you will have YOU to offer... and you will know who that is! :)

You need some girlfriends, preferably ones who are single themselves to show you... to model what a happy single life looks like in real life.

Thank you Yelo! Makes perfect sense!

And Thank you Val! Need to find some good role models...

I've been wanting to contact the ex-bf so badly, I think because of how sudden everything ended and the fact that he was so mean about it. I think I'm looking for closure and maybe peace between us. Should I even bother and not make contact?

I've been wanting to contact the ex-bf so badly, I think because of how sudden everything ended and the fact that he was so mean about it. I think I'm looking for closure and maybe peace between us. Should I even bother and not make contact?
Be really frank with yourself and know that its seldom about "closure" that anyone contacts someone who essentially slammed the door in their face. You are powerless over him and how he ended it. If you need a second helping to get that, so be it. Just don't be surprised if you get more of the same, okay?

Im definitley with Val on this one.

Be sure he is really who you want. It sounds as though you are lonely and he will still fill the void. If he were really a "keeper" and loved you he would have been there for you and understood. You are the one who knows him. Think hard about what he is really like, not what you want him to be, or the good part of him. See the whole man and decide if he is worth leaving your present job and life for.

But we had a 2 yr relationship! He had said before all this went down that he wanted to be friends 'before we get mad at each other'. This was when he was trying to let me know slowly that he 'didn't blame me for not wanting to move down there and leave my secure job, family and friends.' But that's because he found someone new I guess. I said 'why do you want to be friends with me?' He sounded upset and said 'you mean we'd never talk again?' And I said 'well, I can't get over you if I'm talking with you'.

How long were you and your husband separated? Is this relationship part of the reason for your divorce?

Separated 2.5 yrs. divorce is almost final. No, not the reason, but it was a factor in my moving out. I'd been very unhappy in my marriage for around 10 yrs or more, married 18 yrs.

Well long distance relationship. After being so close for so long. You should have known that distance would develop. He is not an *******, his heart was breaking that he was there and you decided to stay and wait until when? How does that work. There is only so much somebody can take and obvously he had enough. Do not put all the blame on him.

Joe

YOU accuesed him of cheating? Yes he is you BF of two years... and your not divorced yet.

Maybe the distance made him realize the red flags.

My advice is he also has some control issues...

I'dwork on myself - get my divorce and clean my life up.

BF of 2 years and you were married... this was no real relationship. And he probably realized it when you wouldn't move. That's screwed up. Get the divorce and then date. Divorces don't take 2 years if it's a bad marriage.

I don't think you read all my posts. Something I did leave out is my soon to be ex-husband and I decided to get the divorce once we sold our condo,and that's what we were able to do this past July. The ex-bff gave me a ring before he moved, he called it a pre-engagement ring, to let me know he was serious about us. I don't want him back, I just was wondering if I should let it go without contact, or can I at least e-mail him about how I felt he left things with us?

I am having a hard time following you. You have been separated for 2 1/2 yrs and have been in a relationship for 2 years with your b/f and were waiting to get a divorce until the condo sold. Evidently you were not living in the condo as you said your b/f was a deciding factor in your moving out. Your b/f moved 8 months ago and your condo sold 2 months ago. Your husband is the one who got the divorce and did it while living in Texas and you do not live in Texas, right? My thoughts are you must not have wanted to go with your b/f or you would have. I am confused as to why you did not get a divorce earlier. I think his waiting around for 2 1/2 yrs was to be commended. You say you don't want to get back with him, so why do you want to pursue him? I am sure you broke his heart by not following and by not getting a divorce earlier. Your ex-husband finally got the divorce. I do not know why you feel you need to vent to him. He has found someone who wants to be with him all of the time. I am sorry, but when someone has an affair while they are married, I feel it is wrong for all parties involved. It is unfair to the husband and unfair to the lover. Although the lover certainly knows what he is getting into. I am not passing judgement, that kind of relationship has a certain amount of deceit and lying that goes with it and it can not be healthy for anyone envolved. I feel, out of respect for yourself, husband and new b/f one relationship should be ended before another one begins. There is no way you can commit to someone while tied to another. Your b/f gave you 6 months to get to him and you did not. He needed a life. You need to get a handle on what you want out of life and then have a good lasting relationship. Good luck

Not gettng the divorce and then not moving = deal breakers in his mind. Pretty simple. Of course he moved on.

SOunds like you didn't have control of the situation and now you're upset.

I read your post perfect... it's the cheating part. Having an affair.

Well, all I can say is that if he's not willing to meet you half way. Then your better off without him. You can find someone so much better from what I read. You seem like a very intelligent person with a good head on your shoulders. You'll find that Mr. Right.

Thanks Stillalil. I am trying to let it go but it's hard, even though I know it's for the best. I guess it's the way he ended it that hurts. I did a lot for him, even helped him move down there! And was always supportive. I guess some guys only care about themselves and once they find another woman they feel they can just throw their previous relationship away like garbage. I'm still crying every night but I know I'll eventually come out the other side. And I'm staying away from relationships for a long time!

Midnight, he is angry, and you need to have the pride to walk away and look strong. It is okay DOWN THE ROAD to tell him how you feel and that maybe you are sorry the way things happened... but he is angry right now and can't hear you. So later, when he is calm, you are calm, and the intention is not to get back together, then letting him know might be okay, but for now, you have to let him make his choices. Let the dust settle a little bit. Neither one of you is correct in this situation... both made choices that were not good for the relationship... but you have to take responsibility for yours, you can't make him do that for his... so let him settle, and maybe he will be a little more ready.

Thank you Yelo. You've been offering me help throughout my posts and I'm very grateful to you and everyone who took the time to respond. I'm not one to reach out in times of trouble, so this is pretty new for me. What you say makes sense Yelo, down the road is sound advice. I have Not contacted him even when I felt so panicky because I felt I Had to talk to him. I'm proud of myself for that.

Personally - from all this, it sounds like you only care about yourself. This is a two way street. He put up with a lot I think. I am blunt, but look at what he had to deal with as well. Make some changes in your next relationship. I hear a lot of me, me, me. Just from what you've posted.

Wildcat, HE was the one who decided to move no matter what, and HE wanted me to pack up my life and run down there with him when I had huge issues to work out first. He didn't want to wait, so who's being selfish?

I think both parties had their faults... I have posted previously that her decisions helped put strain on the relationship, but he didn't end the relationship in a personal matter either. So, it doesn't really matter who is right or wrong, it is what can be done now... and I do think that she needs to look at herself and that other things came before her relationship(I posted that before) and maybe she just wasn't ready. But now she hopefull yhas learned to take responsibility and make some changes.

None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes, and we are all selfish at times... but we have to recognize that and make it better!

Leave the guys alone and work on putting your life together the way you want it. Your happiness doesn't depend on anyone but you so leave these relationship alone and let your poor heart heal from all the stuff you've been through. Get your soul healthy so you can make healthy decisions for yourself.

I am not blaming you, but I do not know if you realize how difficult it is to have a relationship with a married person. My sister went with a married man for quite some time and he was always going to get a divorce, but there was one more step and then another. I saw her heart ache and the hope soar only to be let down again. I realize you had a lot of issues to deal with, but I feel you should also understand he was always the one waiting and with it taking that long, wondering if it would really happen and if he were just being used. My sister finally told him one day she could not do it anymore. He was livid and could not understand. I flew there to stay with her for a while because she was so very sad, but she had to get on with her life as it was tearing her apart. It took her a good 2 years to recoup from that relationship. Please do not feel I am blaming you, no one is to blame, I just want you to try to understand how difficult it is for the unmarried person to wait and not know and be in limbo and broken promises and being put off.
I hope you can find some peace within yourself and then find a good relationship that is fullfilling to you both. Good luck.

Yes, Yelo, I am learning to take responsibility for my mistakes and going to counseling. This is and will continue to be a huge learning experience as I heal, and one that I will be grateful for, a blessing in disguise.
Thanks Tal, definitely going to stay away from the guys for a long while.

Midnight - I may be blunt, but - all I heard from your first posts was you blamming him.

I am glad you realize it's a two way street now.

I agree - fix yourself. Complete your divorce. In few months you will be I na better place.

Thank you K3, your response made me stop and think more of the ex-bf's side. But since he's been married and divorced 4 times I thought he would have more of an understanding in this area. And thanks WildCat, you are definitely blunt which does get one's attention. I'm assuming you're a guy right?

Don't be bitter just give yourself a chance to be happier by getting better. Good luck.

Thank you K3, your response made me stop and think more of the ex-bf's side. But since he's been married and divorced 4 times I thought he would have more of an understanding in this area. And thanks WildCat, you are definitely blunt which does get one's attention. I'm assuming you're a guy right?
If he has been married and divorced 4 times, you had best thank your lucky stars he has found someone else. You deserve to get on with your life and not end up with another broken heart. You will be just fine, someone is looking out for you.

Sounds even more screwed up, I know. I guess when in love we feel we'll be the one that will last forever. Now I'm seeing his moving away was and is a blessing in disguise.

Yes - I am a guy last I checked. Yes I am blunt- because people come here trying to hear what THEY WANT TO HEAR - instead of sorting out the truth and reality and wh ythings happen - SO it never happens again.

Yes I am blunt- because people come here trying to hear what THEY WANT TO HEAR - instead of sorting out the truth and reality and wh ythings happen - SO it never happens again.

Midnight I've been reading these posts and I agree with Wildcat. From you ex boyfriends perspective he has to be thinking he was being played by a woman who wouldn't or couldn't commit. I hear a lot of I did this and I did that so I deserved him on my terms. What about his terms? If he got a good job offer was he supposed to turn that down for a woman that he dated for 2 years but was married?

It's hard to hear but the blunt truth is what you need when your emotional about a topic. The truth cuts right to the heart of the matter and doesn't usually allow a lot of room for excuses. When were emotional about a topic or person, our friends don't usually want to create any problems so they avoid the topic or agree with you verbally even when they don't mentally. They tell you what you want to hear because they think that's what they need to do as friends. Your getting unbiased opinions here and I think you need to read them and at least consider if they are true or have merits of truth to them. By accepting the truth, it is the only way you are going to be able to heal yourself and move on.

Yes... see NOW it's a long dsitance relationship... AND your married AND you don't want to move. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is.

Last I checked you were STILL married - I am sure he feels you will never divorce - EVEN if you are telling the truth. I know people, usually women, that stick with married people for YEARS. Only to find they never had any intentions to divorce.

My divorce will be finalized in a month. It's pretty ironic that I'm finally getting divorced and things have ended. OK, well maybe my instincts were telling me not to move. Would You move your life for someone who gets involved with someone before letting you know they want to move on? Because that's what he did, And was very hurtful about it. I don't care if he his heart was broken or whatever, that's not how you treat someone you've been in a 2 yr relationship with. Why can't you at least agree with me on that?

Hey you didn't go when he asked.

Again - you're not divorced yet AND it would have been a lon gdistance relationship - TWO HUGE obsticles for a single guy.

I am sure he is hurt as well. He was waiting 2 years for you to get a divorce. 2 years. Of course he moved on.

I would never wish a LD relationship on anyone - they are very hard.

So, now that your free and single what are you going to do with it? Should you get a make over, chase old news or invent yourself to what you want to be without being defined by any one but you? Boy is this a tough question? How many people get to start from scratch and build the life of their own dream with no baggage from the past, only hopes for the future? Sometimes the universe does for us what we can't do for ourselves, so be mad and bitter if you must, but remember you have better things to do... If you want to.

I agree with you all about her responsibility... I said that in one of my initial posts on this thread... she made decisions that were not in the best interest of the relationship. BUt that does not mean we can't support her loss...

She asked for help with loss... not to be judged about who is right and who is wrong. He is right to have moved on, she is right to be feeling loss... NONE of us are perfect, we have all made mistakes, but that doesn't mean that we deserve to be treated with disrespect. Cheating is NEVER justified... Nor do any of us need to be judging. He is not on here asking for support, she is, so I think she deserves some credit for being able to look at herself, ask for help, and try to make things better in her life. A lot of people can't even do that... SHe made mistakes I agree... but geez... this is not a battle of who is right! HE chose to stay for 2 years knowing the situation... so he has some responsibility too! But this is about her... and her loss.

And if we make a mistake in our lives, does that mean that our feelings no longer count or no longer valid..?

Sorry, I am on a soapbox... just don't like battling who is right and wrong.

When she wouldn't go with him I am sure he felt that was the last straw. Realtonship over.

My divorce will be finalized in a month. It's pretty ironic that I'm finally getting divorced and things have ended. OK, well maybe my instincts were telling me not to move. Would You move your life for someone who gets involved with someone before letting you know they want to move on? Because that's what he did, And was very hurtful about it. I don't care if he his heart was broken or whatever, that's not how you treat someone you've been in a 2 yr relationship with. Why can't you at least agree with me on that?
Its possible that you picked someone with a sense of desperation running in the background, a kind of very subtle desperation that all of us have (but don't always know that we have) when a relationship or marriage comes to an end. It is the number one reason why "rebound relationships" fail. It is why when a relationship ends, I suggest at least a year off the market, take a break, you're too fragile and not thinking straight... nobody is!

If you can... you might see him as someone who you needed in order to escape that marriage and who got you as far as you needed to go while leaning on someone and now that you are ready to Voilà! Be your own woman, it ended. Very badly, I grant you, but your "picker" was pretty rusty too!

Now is the time to focus on you, your life, your friends, especially your women friends (they will become INVALUABLE!) and allow yourself some exploration and growing opportunities. Amidst all that grief, believe it or not, a new woman is emerging! Find out who she is and what she really likes, okay? Just leave the guys alone for now LOL

MidnightBlue, you could always surprise him. Maybe it's not all over yet. If you really care about the guy and you think there's a future for both of you and you think he might still consider the situation. Do it! Don't hesitate. Remember your chances only comes in 1 package. But then again only you could answer all these questions. You been with the guy, lived with him (I supposed) surely you can figure it out. I've had 2 long term relationships in the past. Guys have the weakness of honesty, sincerity, and most of all love and care. Just show up in front of his door. If that is you know he's still single. OR else don't take my word. What I'm trying to say is do what your heart tells you. At least you won't regret every single drop of moment of your life..

Thank you Wildcat, but I never said to him I would Not go and move down there with him. I told him I needed more time to sell the condo, get the divorce. All in all things have worked out the way they were suppose to. Eventually, I do want to find a great guy and get married, and the ex-bf had said we could live together and see how it goes. To me that was a red flag. He said he doesn't do married very well, he's too selfish. I guess I believed in the love myth that if you love someone, everything would work out for the better, like love conquers all. I do know better now.
Thank you Val, he may have been someone to help me escape my marriage, you're right. That's hard to admit, but the relationship did develop into something much more. Yes, now is the time to focus on exploring and growing.
Thank you Yelo, for your support!
And thank you Tal, being angry is part of the process, which seems to be where I'm at now. Thanks for reminding me that I have better things to do now! :)

I don't care if he his heart was broken or whatever, that's not how you treat someone you've been in a 2 yr relationship with. Why can't you at least agree with me on that?

Wow. You don't care that his heart was broken, by you non the less, and you expect him to stay with you? I don't even know what to say to that. That speaks volumes about you.

Chuff, I was speaking in anger. I care, but he's the one who didn't talk to me or treat me with respect. If I didn't care so I wouldn't be so upset now would I?

Thank you K3, your response made me stop and think more of the ex-bf's side. But since he's been married and divorced 4 times I thought he would have more of an understanding in this area. And thanks WildCat, you are definitely blunt which does get one's attention. I'm assuming you're a guy right?
Before he would get a divorce, was he involved with the next wife or someone else. If so that speaks volumes about him.

As I said in an earlier post, when 2 people start a relationship and one of them is married, seldom does there come any good out of it. It is easy to say you were wrong because one should end a marriage first. On the other hand someone who gets involved with a married person is wrong in attempting to take another persons husband/wife. There are people out there that like to have affairs with a married person because they feel they are safe. You did not say why you divorced your X, hopefully it was a good situation to get out of and not because of him. He may have helped it along.
I do understand why you feel he told you goodby in a underhanded way. It sounds as though he met someone else and from what he said to you he made it all your fault. Even though you were the married one he certainly was in agreement with the relationship for 2 years. He could have been honest and said he was tired of waiting and found someone else. I do not feel he is squeeky clean in this situation. He knew you were married and he had no respect for your husband. He made it look and made you feel as though it was all your fault. Having been married 4 times. Possibly any relationship for him has a 2 to 3 year run and then it is over. Honesty is the key word here, in a relationship where a married person is involved started on dishonesty and that is usually where it ends.

Having said that, you have learned a lot from this relationship and it is time to move on. Take time to know you and what you want. Go out and have fun with some female friends. Realize it was not all your fault and you have a right to have a broken heart, be thankful you have a chance for a new life. Take it and make this one right.

Thank you K3. I'm divorcing my husband because he's an alcoholic, plus he's a manic depressive. I felt very alone and needed more out of a marriage. I hung in there for 18 yrs.

I am sorry, alcoholics become depressed. It is not a life I would wish on anyone. I dated an alcoholic for a while. The most wonderful person in the world... sober. When he drank he would change and then the depression would set in. It was like a roller coaster ride. Now you know 2 traits you do not want in a mate.:) Have you gone to al-anon?

Only went to 1 al-anon meeting, didn't give it a chance. Seemed like people went to vent but didn't seem like any advice is given. Guess it helps in that you don't feel alone with that problem?

I can not tell you how many people I have heard say exactly what you said after 1 or 2 times and not go back. I also felt that way, but fortunately one gentleman said come back. I think the non drinker seeks out al-anon thinking it is going to fix the alcoholic. No, it has nothing to do with them. It is all about you and changing your reaction and healing you. Yes, there were times the venting seemed to be a bit much. I did go for a while and I learned a lot. Listening to others vent, there would be things said that hit home and I knew it was not just me. You hear what the alcoholic says and you realize you have heard that before... said to you. You learn it is their problem and it has become your problem and you can not fix someone else's problem. You fix you, you being the only person you can control. Somewhere in the process you change. In some cases by changing it has helped the alcoholic and other times it gives you the strength to go forward. Try it a few times, even though you are divorced it can put some of your old feelings in perspective.

I have thought about checking it out again, and since you are recommending it I probably will. Thank you K3 for understanding. There are a lot of things I want to be doing, like getting back into an exercise routine, take up painting again, take some college courses and stuff like that. Just need to take that first step. :rolleyes:

It is difficult when you are in a grieving process. There is a process to saying good by to your past life and on to the new one. Take a step today. Call and find a painting class. I love to paint and I can get lost and find great comfort in creating something. Good luck, just do it. NOW:)

Awesome K3! It is very therapeutic isn't it. Would be a great way to start.
Thanks for the nudge! Happy painting to you!:)