My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is 36 and I am 23. We hardly EVER have sex. I ask him all the time if he is dissatisfied with me, and he says No, that sex isn't everything in a relationship. I have only been in ONE other sexually active relationship were we had sex AT LEAST once a week, which I thought we had sex enough, not too much or too little just right.(that was over 3 years before my boyfriend and I got together) However, we haven't had sex since BEFORE Valentines Day, and he isn't showing much interest in having it anytime soon. We don't live together. I don't think he is cheating on me, because we see each other just about everyday, he doesn't own a computer and calls me through out the day and texts often. He is always telling me he loves me, doesn't know what he would do without me, can't wait to see me, that I am beautiful or cute or whatever, but he shows NO desire in sex. I am frustrated. When I ask him what is wrong, he simply says nothing, sex isn't everything in a relationship, or that he just isn't in the mood. Then he gets mad if I tell him that I want him or that I am aroused. He doesn't like me to dress provocative and gets upset if I wear something(even for him) that shows a LITTLE cleavage. I feel so ugly and unattractive. He says that's not the case that he loves me and wants to marry me... I don't understand how you can want to marry someone you don't even want to have sex with! He gets very angry when I say stuff like that in response to his answer. He says he isn't into sex like that. When I try to do things to turn him on, he gets mad. Or when I tell him things that would turn me on, he says that is disrespectful or he would never do that because he can't think of me in that kind of way. He gets mad if I try to talk dirty to him, he says that he prefers to "make love to me" not have sex. I don't care WHAT it's called... I don't get it ANYWAY! I am really getting frustrated and am to the point where I want to break up with him over it. We have a pretty good relationship other than this issue. I could use all the advice you can spare.

Sound like he is a real bundle of fireworks...


Now unless he has any of the typical libido killers going on maybe you just have a guy with a low libido and self esteme issues... He sounds like a real dud. Trust me when I say this... don't marry the man. You are only going to continue to have issues as you just are not a good match. Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship... but lack of sex or bad sex WILL destroy one.

I don't think he really has self esteem issues, I have NO idea why he doesn't want to. When we go to his mother's house, he wants it, but if we go to a hotel or to his house or my house he doesn't. I am so confused. I don't think I can marry someone who doesn't want it at all. ON top of that my birthday was two weeks ago, and he didn't even offer (of course I didn't even bring it up because I have lost hope) and his birthday is next week and I have a feeling if I offer that he is going to say he's "not in the the mood" as always. So it's kind of put me in a tough situation. He is attractive, I am attractive( I never have a problem with people thinking I am attractive) and I am NOT trying to be a closet porn star which is how he's making me feel about this whole thing and I am just trying to please him and myself. I feel like I am the problem... he also makes me feel like I am a sex craving maniac. Which isn't the case. I just was under the impression that men have needs just as much as women and that it is important to have a sexual relationship as much as an emotional one.

I'm not saying he's not a fairly nice guy... but some people just have absolutely nothing going on in the "Lets get it on" arena. And by all your descriptions he falls in that group.

And yeah... MOST guys do have needs just like women do... sometimes more sometimes less but still have it.

Don't feel like a sex craving maniac... if you'd be happy with once a day you are perfectly smack in the middle of where most people are.

I just don't understand why he doesn't... I just am looking at it in this way... If you really feel all the things he says he feels, then you would think he would WANT to... or at the very least TRY to... I just can't seem to figure him out. It doesn't make any sense.

Have you mentioned to him that his low libido might be indicative of a medical problem?

He NEEDS to get it checked out by a doctor.

And whether he's "in the mood", he needs to consider YOUR libido as well--and he isn't.

Just a strange thought He wants it when he is at his mom's house right. I assume there are people at the house when this happens. I am thinking the thought of someone catching the two of you turns him on. Just a thought.

I tried the whole getting caught theory... if that were the case then all of the places I stated he would gladly do it at... because depending on the time there is USUALLY someone around... I have even tried to get him to do it with me in the woods when we went on a hike in the middle of NO WHERE... his response... " I am not a dog."

Wow, This guy sound like no fun at all. And he is very selfish.

Have you mentioned to him that his low libido might be indicative of a medical problem?

He NEEDS to get it checked out by a doctor.

And whether or not he's "in the mood", he needs to consider YOUR libido as well--and he isn't.

I agree... it does seem odd that he doesn't consider me in this... every other aspect of our lives he is willing to put forth an effort... this is the ONLY thing he won't do... he has quite smoking and drinking because I don't like it... now if I could just get him to quit NOT having sex we would be PERFECT! I asked him to go to the doctor for this just to get a "check up" and he refused. He said he feels better than ever. I wish there was some sort of test we could do at home... maybe he's shy about it... I don't know... I just am feeling HORRIBLE right now... this is the ONLY thing we argue over...

By the way... I never asked him to give up smoking or drinking. He asked me what I thought about them, I was honest and said I didn't care for them... he chose to stop... I never asked him to. I have never tried to change him... nor would I try, I just am having a hard time empathizing with this, probably because he doesn't have a reason. If it were something like a medical issue, I would be very patient and understanding... not having an answer frustrates me more than anything.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. To me you sound perfectly normal. Have you talked about how the lack of sex is making you feel though? I would feel the same way you do right now if I was in your situation.

Yes, I have told him how I feel. He says that I am crazy, that he loves me and that sex shouldn't matter this much. He says that I am too self cautious over this and that it's NOT me... that not everything has to do with me... sounds bizarre right? I don't know. I am so drained over this issue...

You aren't crazy and although a relationship shouldn't revolve around sex, if one or both partners aren't satisfied with the sexual aspect of the relationship it's going to put a big strain on the people in it. Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? If not, maybe it's time to move on.

Yes, I would like to spend the rest of my life with him, other wise I would have called it quits already. Do you know a way that I can convey how important it is to me to make this work? Maybe he just doesn't understand how it is bothering me. I have sat down with him several times and tried to explain myself, he just doesn't seem to want to respond. I am trying to figure out if the strain is because he doesn't feel like I enjoy it so he doesn't want to do it or if it is because he just isn't in the mood. He did say that he doesn't feel that I enjoy it as much as he does... I don't have those screaming orgasms in other words... but who REALLY does? I mean I am NOT going to start screaming like a porn star so he "thinks" he is doing something right... when he's NOT. I feel like that is what he is looking for or something... He does a fine job when we do it... I do enjoy myself... maybe I am not displaying it in a way in which he needs to receive it in order to WANT to keep doing it... does this make any sense??

Yes, I have told him how I feel. He says that I am crazy, that he loves me and that sex shouldn't matter this much. He says that I am too self cautious over this and that it's NOT me.... that not everything has to do with me... sounds bizarre right? I don't know. I am so drained over this issue...
Take him at his word... He's an emotional Eunic.

He's a good match for a woman with absolutely no libido... not a woman with a normal one. You will be happier to cut your losses now and move on. Be glad you realized this BEFORE you got married and not after.

OK here is my thought after reading your original post and then the answers that you have provided. It appears that somewhere along the way this guy had a really bad experience that involved sex. Either a) he overly forced himself on someone and the outcome was really bad or b) someone else overly forced themselve on him and maybe he had sex even when he didn't want to. Regardless of how it happened something happened to him to make him feel this way. The reason I say that is because the fact that he can relax and feel comortable enough to have sex when he is at his parents house says to me that is a "safe place" psychologically speaking. Its his mom and dad, nothing bad can happen there, mom and dads house is a safe environment and without him even realizing it that's what he is using it as. There seems to be an emotional issue deep down. I would sit down with him and ask him to discuss past sexual relationships and ask him if anything bad every happened. Make sure you let him know that regardless of what happened you will not judge him but just want to understand where this stand offish behavior is stemming from. I am willing to bet that something happened to him. Getting him to talk about it is a completely different issue.

ok here is my thought after reading your original post and then the answers that you have provided. It appears that somewhere along the way this guy had a really bad experience that involved sex. Either a) he overly forced himself on someone and the outcome was really bad or b) someone else overly forced themselve on him and maybe he had sex even when he didnt want to. Regardless of how it happened something happened to him to make him feel this way. The reason I say that is because the fact that he can relax and feel comortable enough to have sex when he is at his parents house says to me that is a "safe place" psychologically speaking. Its his mom and dad, nothing bad can happen there, mom and dads house is a safe environment and without him even realizing it thats what he is using it as. There seems to be an emotional issue deep down. I would sit down with him and ask him to discuss past sexual relationships and ask him if anything bad every happened. Make sure you let him know that regardless of what happened you will not judge him but just want to understand where this stand offish behavior is stemming from. I am willing to bet that something happened to him. getting him to talk about it is a completely different issue.


I know a past girlfriend cheated on him. I know that it was with his best friend. I know he has a daughter out of that relationship that was taken away from the mother (he didn't know until recently that it was his... he thought it was the friends) and is working on getting custody of his daughter, from the state.(this takes time... and lawyers etc. I have no problem with helping raise his daughter. She is adorable (4 years old) BEAUTIFUL kid. I don't know if this all has to do with that or if like you said it was some sort of bad experience(which I would consider that a bad experience personally). I have never cheated or given him the idea that I would cheat... We talked about his daughter and he feels like he let her down because he hasn't been there. That she wouldn't be with a foster family if he had tried to make things work with her mother(which him NOT doing that was probably the best thing for him... not because he wouldn't have ended up with me but she is some sort of addict... and he could be worse off if he had) I feel bad. I love him and his daughter... I would be fine raising her as my own and if the courts would allow adopting her. He is a HUGE part of my life ( he found out about his daughter last month so the problem in this post was going on before that) I am willing to do what it takes to make this work, it's just I don't know what else I can do...

As heartwrenching and painful that whole experience can be on someone, that is not what I mean. I am talking an actual bad experience with an actual sexual encounter. I personally experienced a bad sexual encounter many many years ago with my first husband and I tell you what, it left such a scar for a very long time that I pulled away from sex for quite a while until I learned how to deal with it. Dig deeper to find out, this doesn't have anything to do with trying to get his daughter back or feeling like he let her down. That is a separate issue, there is something else there.

We are going out tonight. I will let you know what I get from him. Is there something specific I should be fishing for? I mean I don't think he was molested... but you never know. I had that experience and it wasn't a good one... my ex did it when we were in high school. It was horrible and scary. I don't let it come between us because they are two different people, they have NOTHING in common other than being men. I guess any advice on how to bring something like that up would be great...

Everyone handles trauma like that differently. You were strong enough to get past it without counseling, others may struggle with it for years and never get over it. I don't know if dinner is the best time to discuss something like this but if you get a chance I would just say that there is something that is bothering you and you would like to know if he maybe had a bad experience with sex that is causing him to pull away from it. He is either going to say no and change the subject or see this as an opportunity to open up to you about it. If he questions why you are asking just let him know that you care about him and want your and his relationship to be better and that this seems to be an issue that you guys are having and you are trying really hard to understand where it comes from rather than just getting mad at him. I am quite sure that he will appreciate your willingness to find out what his feelings are rather than just thinking about yourself.

I wouldn't do that over dinner... More like when we are sitting there in the park for over an hour just spending time together. We usually read a book a week together for something to do. It gives us time to spend together... I just don't want to make things worse by implying that he had his manhood damaged... guys tend to get a little crazy if they feel like you could be hinting that they are less of a man... most guys consider any sexual experience other than one that results in their desired out come to be emasculating. So I need to make sure that I use tact when bringing that up, I don't want to make this worse. Especially if he thinks I could be asking if he's gay... guys freak over sexuality questions... this is why I am concerned. I am trying to be optimistic and look at this as a growing pain... but it's just not working.

MIND u I am not saying something like that would make him less of a man... it's just men twist stuff

Nor do I think he is or potentially could be gay

I think once you are in the situation you will find the right words to use. Just make sure you are clear that no matter what he tells you that you are not going to judge him.

sweetnpetite,

For the past year or so I have been going the Same situation and I am quit hurt from it. I have been trying to get advice from different points of views and all but one of them has somewhat made sense. I almost cried when I read your post.

For the past year or so I have been going the SAME EXACT situation and I am quit hurt from it. I have been trying to get advice from different points of views and all but one of them has somewhat made sense. I almost cried when I read your post.

I am interested in some of the things people have told you... Or namely the one that made sense... what did you do? How has it worked out?

This person told me that as men age into their late 20's, early 30's their libido tends to decline. When that happends, men are now more interested in the emotional part of a relationship such as "Is my current girlfriend a potential wife and mother figure?" instead of "I can't be going out with this sex-crazed women!"

This person told me that as men age into their late 20's, early 30's their libido tends to decline. When that happends, men are now more interested in the emotional part of a relationship such as "Is my current girlfriend a potential wife and mother figure?" instead of "I can't be going out with this sex-crazed women!"

That seems plausible... however, he says he feels better than ever... I would think that if he was having libido issues it would be to his dismay... however, he just seems to not care about it AT ALL...

That's what I'm thinking to...

I mean you would think if he had a sudden loss in libido that he would be concerned... that things would bother him that he couldn't preform... except... it doesn't... it's not that he can't get it up, it's he doesn't WANT to... he thinks that I am sexy crazed or something... that my life revolves around it but it doesn't... I just want him to be happy... I know from experience if he's NOT getting any from me... he's getting it from somewhere... but he isn't cheating so where is he getting it from... I don't think he is doing it himself... at least I hope not... why would he do it himself, if he has me?

My boyfriend says the same thing "Relationships aren't about sex" or "You're too horny." The funny thing is, I can remember when I first started dating him and he NEVER, I mean NEVER told me I was "too horny" or "IS that all you think about is sex?"

Yeah that is his new one... relationships don't revolve around sex... I told him, I was sorry if that was the case why do guys leave girls who don't put out? Or that cheated because they weren't getting sex from their wife? Or why do they watch porn so much then? It doesn't make sense...

When I get mad about it, I think that it has to do with control... but then when I am sad about it, I think it's me... I don't know what to do...

He doesn't make much sense... he only wants it when he wants it... now I am planning (the next time he DOES want it) NOT to give it to him. I think I am going to say I am not in the mood... or I am too tired, Or my head hurts or something... I don't know what yet but I am going to figure this out... but even then it doesn't make him desire me more it just makes me look like a B*t*c*... and I am not... not to mention make him mad then there's the fact that two wrongs don't make a right... and I am not trying to have more problems... then on top of that, I want it... why should I punish myself? It's obviously worse to me to not get any than it is to him...

Do you really live in Boston or somewhere near?

You shouldn't have to punish yourself. For what exactly? For being human and wanting sex with someone you love? Do not blame yourself!

Yes, I really live right outside of Boston...

IF you are unhappy in your relationship, move on!

Life is about living and learning, not maintaining the impossible and being miserable.

Have a positive outlook on yourself and on life. There are many men out there; find a man who you feel happy and secure with!

Best wishes, :)

IF you are unhappy in your relationship, move on!

Life is about living and learning, not maintaining the impossible and being miserable.

Have a positive outlook on yourself and on life. There are many men out there; find a man who you feel happy and secure with!!

Best wishes, :)

No, I am not "unhappy" in our relationship as a whole... when I reflect on our relationship I don't believe it is bad... actually just the opposite. I said in earlier posts that THIS is the only issue we have... why would I leave him and "move on" when we have ONE issue? Seems silly to me. If I go and get with someone else, chances are we would have MORE problems than with him. If you had read other comments that I had made, one was YES, I DO plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I am simply frustrated over our lack of a sex life. We do a lot of other things that are NOT sexually related... I simply and trying to understand what I can do to help resolve this between us. I am happy with myself, it just feels sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. Every NORMAL person has felt that at one point in time in their life. I feel happy and secure with him. I just think we need a little work in the love making aspect of our life. There are no perfect relationships... I know this... I know things could be a lot worse, we don't have fidelity problems we don't have problems with communication EXCEPT on this issue.

Yes, I really live right outside of Boston....

Lol well I live about 1 hour west of Boston...

No, I am not "unhappy" in our relationship as a whole... when I reflect on our relationship I don't believe it is bad... actually just the opposite. I said in earlier posts that THIS is the only issue we have... why would I leave him and "move on" when we have ONE issue? Seems silly to me. If I go and get with someone else, chances are we would have MORE problems than with him. If you had read other comments that I had made, one was YES, I DO plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I am simply frustrated over our lack of a sex life. We do a lot of other things that are NOT sexually related... I simply and trying to understand what I can do to help resolve this between us. I am happy with myself, it just feels sometimes that there may be something wrong with me. Every NORMAL person has felt that at one point in time in their life. I feel happy and secure with him. I just think we need a little work in the love making aspect of our life. There are no perfect relationships... I know this... I know things could be a lot worse, we don't have fidelity problems we don't have problems with communication EXCEPT on this issue.


Right now you are deluding yourself that this isn't a major issue. Fact is anything that is an irritant will only continue to be an irritant, and in fact grow in time to be a major irritant. FEW, and I really mean very few people will be happy abstaining from sex. Hell you could joint the Monastery or Convent if you wanted to do that.

In fact why get married at all if you don't EXPECT to have sex regularly. And Sleeping with the neighbor in a few years to get your itch scratched isn't an acceptable solution because you know this now before you go that far.

Divorce should be far harder to get because people blindly going into marriages knowing major problems like this that think it will magically go away or cease being important.

And YES I do firmly believe ONE issue is all it takes to discard a person from being considered for the position of Spouse.

Sweetie he sounds really weird. I'm having problems of my own, but it could be the age difference. Maybe he's having some erectional disfunctions? You just never know what the case could be. Men are so private at times. They can get very offended when confronted with sex issues. If you could break up with him over this I suggest you do. If you can't see yourself without him, I hope he gets help for your sake. Good luck and I feel your pain.

Right now you are deluding yourself that this isn't a major issue. Fact is anything that is an irritant will only continue to be an irritant, and in fact grow in time to be a major irritant. FEW, and I really mean very few people will be happy abstaining from sex. Hell you could joint the Monestary or Convent if you wanted to do that.

In fact why get married at all if you don't EXPECT to have sex regularly. And Sleeping with the neighbor in a few years to get your itch scratched isn't an acceptible solution because you know this now before you go that far.

Divorce should be far harder to get because people blindly going into marriages knowing major problems like this that think it will magically go away or cease being important.

And YES I do firmly believe ONE issue is all it takes to discard a person from being considered for the position of Spouse.


I do see this as a big enough issue to end our relationship over. I agree with you that regular sex is expected in a marriage. I never said I would go into a marriage and think this will magically disappear, my hope is we can work through this. Which, after our talk tonight I feel we are making major progress. We are going away this weekend and intend on work through this. He recognizes now how much this is hurting our relationship. There is no medical reason behind it, just simply that he feels he is not able to satisfy me. Now, I have to do my part in making sure he KNOWS that I am enjoying it so he doesn't feel worthless in the bedroom. We both are playing a part in this, we are working TOGETHER as a team to make this work out... neither one of us want to end this over something that can be fix(which this can be fixed it is just going to take some work on both of our parts)

I completely AGREE with how easily people just go get a divorce. It should NOT be so easy to obtain. I believe that once I am married, that's it. It is ONLY them, nobody else. To death do we part... I would never cheat either, I would never let it go that far. I really appreciate your feed back smoothy. I would like you to know that we also aren't planning on getting married until ALL of our issues are solved. We are only doing this ONCE. Marriage is not a game, it is serious, I just wish more people shared this point of view.

First off, you are only just reaching full maturity (age 24), whereas he reached it six years ago. He's entering into his time where his physical reaction to stress becomes much more evident.

Managing Your Man’s Stress (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22425001/vp/29236440#29236440)

He's like due for a complete physical, including stress and depression screen.

The Stages of a Man’s Healthcare Needs “Routine Screening” needs based upon age (http://www.menshealthnetwork.org/library/manshealthcarestages.pdf)

Though you're not married, these books will be of help:

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Proper-Care-and-Feeding-of-Husbands/Laura-Schlessinger/e/9780060520625/?itm=8)

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Proper-Care-and-Feeding-of-Marriage/Dr-Laura-Schlessinger/e/9780061142826/?itm=4)

Woman Power: Transform Your Man, Your Marriage, Your Life (http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Woman-Power/Laura-Schlessinger/e/9780641817847/?itm=6)

Thank you I will definitely check these books out.

Thank you I will definitely check these books out.

It's an honor to serve