I just got separated after a short marriage. I was handling the situation really good throughout the entire separation and was doing OK until a few days ago. Now all of a sudden I can't eat, my stomach is in knots all day, I feel like I want my spouse back (even though for the past several months I thought the divorce needed to happen, and was definitely in favor of it happening), I don't feel like going anywhere, the things I used to look forward to don't matter to me anymore... I'm really having a tough time, any advice would be great.

Hi rockne!

I feel for you! I seriously think that you need to go see a doctor and let him know your symptoms! I'm no doctor but it sounds to me like you have depression! A serious case of it! I had to do the same thing!

He will probably put you on anti-depressants and ask that you see a counselor/therapist! It is scary but it helps! You need to talk about how you are feeling! Also... open up to your friends! They truly do want to help!

Good Luck and keep us posted!

Hi rockne!

I feel for you! I seriously think that you need to go see a doctor and let him know your symptoms! I'm no doctor but it sounds to me like you have depression! A serious case of it! I had to do the same thing!

He will probably put you on anti-depressants and ask that you see a counselor/therapist! It is scary but it helps! You need to talk about how you are feeling! Also... open up to your friends! They truly do wanna help!

Good Luck and keep us posted!

I've just never been depressed in my life. I've always been an extremely happy and uplifting person. If this keeps up I may consider meeting with a counselor, it's only been happening the past 3 days thought, but it hit me out of nowhere and I didn't see it coming.

You are going through a grieving process. Its only natural.
You have to try keep yourself busy, entertained, find a hobby, join a gym, go out with friends, and do eat too.

You are going through a grieving process. Its only natural.
You have to try keep yourself busy, entertained, find a hobby, join a gym, go out with friends, and do eat too.

A big problem is all our friends were mutual (couple) friends. These are people that we never hung out with by ourselves, only as couples. So now none of our friends know which one of us to choose so I essentially lost most my friends.

No don't say that.
Im sure the females will stick with her, and you can go out for a few beers with lads, no?

no dont say that.
Im sure the females will stick with her, and you can go out for a few beers with lads, no?
So far, no. For the past 3 weeks I've only seen one of my/our friends. I think our friends simply don't know how to handle the situation. She hasn't really seen many of her friends either, but she did meet new people where she moved and has been hanging out with them everyday.

Rockne... I need more info - WHY did you split?

For what reasons? How long were you married? WHo Initiated it?(I know, she ddid)

So far, no. For the past 3 weeks I've only seen one of my/our friends. I think our friends simply don't know how to handle the situation. She hasn't really seen many of her friends either, but she didn't meet new people where she moved and has been hanging out with them everyday.

True some friends don't know how to deal with situations like this one. Start afresh its probably for the best.

Rockne....I need more info - WHY did you split?

For what reasons? How long were you married? WHo Initiated it?(I know, she ddid)
Married for about a year. I was actually the person who ititiated it, that's why this is so confusing to me. After we got married I felt like it was a big mistake. I started pushing her away, then we started not getting along. We never agreed on anything and it became very frustrating. She did try to fix our relationship but I didn't put as much into it as I probably could have. We got along great for the 5 years we dated. I don't really know what happened.

Did you go to counseling? If not, I would advise not to go back to her.

See you were uncomfortable married. You can't go back to what you had.

To me this all sounds kind of selfish. You want what you can't have.

WAS there another women involved?? Yes??

I do advise for oyu to go to counseling. It may help in a lot of areas including reconciling.

But you mustremember - you must have hurt the hell out of her. I woul;d n't take you back.

Yeah, I think you're at the point where you're realizing what you lost. In your case, it sounds like she DID LOVE you. Maybe you couldn't do the same. If that is the case, figure out what YOU DID wrong. Go see a shrink, figure out what was missing IN YOU.

After that is done, call her. Be prepared that she's through with you. However, IF YOU DO work on YOUR ISSUES and work them out, SHE MIGHT take you back.

Sounds like she did CARE, which is not always the case. SHOW her you CARE. By addressing your issues.

Did you go to counseling? If not, I would advise not to go back to her.

See you were uncomfortable married. You can't go back to what you had.

To me this all sounds kind of selfish. You want what you can't have.

WAS ther another women involved????? Yes???

I do advise for oyu to go to counseling. It may help in a lot of areas including reconciling.

But you mustremember - you must have hurt the hell out of her. I woul;d n't take you back.

That's the thing, if I was so unhappy being married then why am I having such difficulties now??

There was NO other woman. We went to 2 different counselors and neither help us at all.

I realize now that I definitely hurt her, but it wasn't intentional. I wasn't rude or mean, I was simply distant for a while which made her feel like I didn't love her, even though I did. She has found new friends and seems to be trying to move on. We still talk every few days though. If I was unhappy being married why would I even want her back? This entire situation makes no sense to me.

How old are you?

Well I am glad you went to counseling - Did you open up I ncounseling?? Talk and really listen??

Yeah, I think you're at the point where you're realizing what you lost. In your case, it sounds like she DID LOVE you. Maybe you couldn't do the same. If that is the case, figure out what YOU DID wrong. Go see a shrink, figure out what was missing IN YOU.

After that is done, call her. Be prepared that she's through with you. However, IF YOU DO work on YOUR ISSUES and work them out, SHE MIGHT take you back.

Sounds like she did CARE, which is not always the case. SHOW her you CARE. by addressing your issues.

She did care. I think what hit me so hard is that I found out the other day she gave her number to some other guy. I don't think either of us should start dating for a while, we just split up. All her friends are telling her she needs to start dating so she can forget about me. Even if I do get counseling and give her a call in a couple months what if she's in a relationship.

Don't get the wrong idea. I was very nice to her in many ways, very respectful, caring, always was there for her when she down, etc... I was simply distant for a while. She needed to have affection and feel loved, that was my problem.


How old are you?

Well I am glad you went to counseling - Did you open up i ncounseling???? Talk and really listen???

Mid 20's. One counselor didn't let us open up, he kept telling us the problems we were having were normal and all couples have the same problems. We didn't want to hear that. The other was OK, we opened up but nothing was resolved.

Counselors are NOT going to resolve your problems. The only people who can resolve them are yourself and herself. Counselors help you make that first move!

Well, I've talked to her two times in last two days and she was in a good mood and the conversations went great? I'm trying to be extra extra nice because I know I hurt her. My main problem is I miss her so much but I keep asking myself why I was so unhappy being married to her. I definitely don't want to try an win her back over the next several months and then have the same thing happen, I just don't want to hurt her again.

Take things extremely slow, you never know what may happen in the future.

Take things extremely slow, you never know what may happen in the future.

I'm definitely going to take things slow. I want to give her her space so she can hang out with her new friends and be happy for a while. If I want her back it's going to be a battle because all her new friends are telling her to not talk to me at all.

At the end of the day she will make her own mind up I'm sure :)
Good Luck.

I would just like to say that, a lot of people now a days take the easy way out. Why did you take the easy way out? There is ups and downs. Periods of good times and bad times and as a couple you both needed to work together to work through it and you did not bother. You did it to yourself. I am not judging you just stating the facts. You put yourself through this and now you are going to have to deal with your decisions. So you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communications open with your ex wife.

Joe

I would just like to say that, a lot of people now a days take the easy way out. Why did you take the easy way out? There is ups and downs. Periods of good times and bad times and as a couple you both needed to work together to work through it and you did not bother. You did it to yourself. I am not judging you just stating the facts. You put yourself through this and now you are going to have to deal with your decisions. So you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communications open with your ex wife.

Joe

We were married for a year, went to counselling for 8 months; we definitely didn't give up and take the easy way out.

Yes, you did. You said you initiated the divorce. You are just unhappy. You do not even give any valid reasons for divorce.

Joe

Yes, you did. You said you initiated the divorce. You are just unhappy. You do not even give any valid reasons for divorce.

Joe

I see where your coming from, but it's hard to put into words. I was simply extremely unhappy and couldn't figure out why. I was OK when I was with my friends and family?? She was unhappy as well.

I am glad you understand where I am coming from. Marriage is a serious commitement and that means going through everything with your partner all the ups and all the downs and working through things. Maybe it is commitement phobia because you said it did not start until you were married. I am not trying to sound nasty, I am just letting you know the way I see things from my end just reading your story. I hope you appreciate my opinion.

Joe

Often it takes a while for things to really "sink in" after a traumatic loss. Like with the death of a close family member. Sure, a lot of tears may be shed at the funeral, but as I'm sure you know, the real grieving takes place after the funeral and all of the "hub-bub" surrounding it has died down (no pun intended lol.) It sounds like you're experiencing a similar phenomenon. At this point I'd just advise you to "ride out the storm." Know that it'll take a while to get over things but you'll be all the better off once you do. If your physical symptoms seem to persist or worsen you may want to talk with your doctor about a possible temporary regimen of low-dose anti-anxiety medication. Just be very careful, however, as dependence and subsequent "rebound" effects can occur and you don't want to fall into that trap.

We were married for a year, went to counselling for 8 months; we definitely didn't give up and take the easy way out.
My first marriage was exactly like that, and it took me a long time to regain my ability to be in a serious relationship. There were other mitigating factors in it that slowed my recovery but all relationship failure takes an amazing toll on people. Be easy with yourself and let the grieving process happen.

My first marriage was exactly like that, and it took me a long time to regain my ability to be in a serious relationship. There were other mitigating factors in it that slowed my recovery but all relationship failure takes an amazing toll on people. Be easy with yourself and let the grieving process happen.

I can't figure out whether what I'm feeling is because I'm grieving, or because I realize what I lost and want it back. I don't know the difference. I speak to her every day or so (don't really see her much) and about half of the time she's positive and the other half she's not. She keeps saying "Your treating me great now but how do I know you won't switch back". I don't have an answer for that.

Until you have some answers for the unhappiness you felt and to whether you'll switch back to, I presume, treating her poorly... you can't really consider yourself a candidate for a reconciliation, frankly. Someone here once said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Remind yourself when you think you are wanting it back that THAT means you want to be unhappy, really. Otherwise you are doing a good job at lying to yourself.

To be sure, you are experiencing grief. I would not make any major decisions for a while, like a year. People are really that fragile afterwards. If you cannot see yourself alone for a year, then that may be part of the problem and that is a whole other topic.

Until you have some answers for the unhappiness you felt and to whether you'll switch back to, I presume, treating her poorly... you can't really consider yourself a candidate for a reconciliation, frankly. Someone here once said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Remind yourself when you think you are wanting it back that THAT means you want to be unhappy, really. Otherwise you are doing a good job at lying to yourself.

To be sure, you are experiencing grief. I would not make any major decisions for a while, like a year. People are really that fragile afterwards. If you cannot see yourself alone for a year, then that may be part of the problem and that is a whole other topic.

I definitely don't want to be unhappy anymore.

Tonight she said she has lost a lot of her feelings for me because for several months I was distant and not loving (but still nice, respectful, etc... ); she thought I didn't care about her. I really don't know what I could do to show her that's not true. I've recognized my mistakes and have been treating her like a queen for the past several weeks. It may just be too late, I'm not sure what I could do for her to gain those feelings back.

I definitely don't want to be unhappy anymore.

Tonight she said she has lost a lot of her feelings for me because for several months I was distant and not loving (but still nice, respectful, ect....); she thought I didn't care about her. I really don't know what I could do to show her that's not true. I've recognized my mistakes and have been treating her like a queen for the past several weeks. It may just be too late, I'm not sure what I could do for her to gain those feelings back.
She has to unlock the door from her side, not you and apparently she isn't. And I am glad to hear you aren't willing to suffer for love, because that IS NOT love requiring that! I am sensing also you two had some boundary issues -- problems identifying who's deal was who's, who did what, etc. and I would bet she is as disconnected from many of her feelings as you obviously are from yours.

Here is the bottom line: Get to know yourself. Get to know what you will and will not do or be involved with. Get to know your true strengths and weakenesses. If you find something you don't like about you, seek to change it. That bears repeating: If you find something you don't like about you, seek to change it. And come to a place where you really like yourself. Without all that well in hand, you are like a candle in the wind and a relationship always tends to be something of a gusty place. Not good!

Leave her be. You are divorced now and rehashing her part is not good while you are still hurt. Later, when you can be more objective about her, would be better. Now is the time to focus on you, to heal and to come to better understand yourself and slowly discover your part in this so you can correct what needs correcting and be better prepared for next time.

Leave her be. You are divorced now and rehashing her part is not good while you are still hurt. Later, when you can be more objective about her, would be better. Now is the time to focus on you, to heal and to come to better understand yourself and slowly discover your part in this so you can correct what needs correcting and be better prepared for next time.

I really appreciate your input.

By the way, the divorce is technically not final yet... I agree we should leave each other alone for a while, it's just really hard. My worry is one of us may meet someone else. If one of use is in another relationship that lasts more than a few dates it will be very hard to ever reconcile. That would add drama to the issues were already trying to fix.

I've thought about not communicating with her for a long period, but if she doesn't speak to me for weeks at a time I feel she may completely move on emotionally. Then there will be no chance... She always wanted me to give her flowers in the past, I wonder if now is a good time. I just don't want that to make her emotional.

For all you know maybe she has already moved on? I understand what your saying though. You feel if you do nothing at all, then you could lose her for good. You feel that you want to do things that you did not do to try to make up for what you have not showed her. It is up to you personally if you feel it is right to start giving her flowers and other things. At the same time if you start pushing too much and start showing her to the extreme how much you want her back. Could definitely scare her or push her so far away that it could ruin any chanch of reconciling. You know her more then us. It will be a fine line that you need to tread. Do not back away completely but do not start showing up with gifts eighter.

That is my advice.

Joe

Do not back away completely but do not start showing up with gifts eighter.

That is my advice.

Joe

Thanks for the advise. She definitely hasn't moved on completely. I saw her a couple days ago and she was in an extremely good mood, very affectionate, etc... She even said she wanted to make dinner for me next week. However, when she doesn't see me for a few days and is hanging out with friends (who knows what there telling her?? ) she seems to get more distant. Then it seems that she is kind of depressed during half of our conversations.

The gifts wouldn't really be for the purpose of getting her back NOW. Simply to show her that I care and that she deserves them.

How do you personally feel? What do you think she is going to think if you start showing up with gifts? Making dinner is good. Talking is important. I do not know what else to say. Except it is your decision on how you proceed with this.

Joe

How do you personally feel? What do you think she is going to think if you start showing up with gifts? Making dinner is good. Talking is important. I do not know what else to say. Except it is your decision on how you proceed with this.

Joe

Well, I think she'll really appreciate any gifts I give her. Although, she's very good at having a completely different feeling the next day. I could send her flowers on a Wednesday, and she call and tell me she loved them and really appreciated it; then Thursday she'll act completely different. She can switch her personality more quick than anyone I know. She can literally say she loves you one day and the next day not?? It's frustrating because when you think you did something really good, it could all be forgotten the next day.

Yeah, You answered your own question. So something that you think your doing good, might turn around on you and bite you in the ***.

Yeah, You answered your own question. So something that you think your doing good, might turn around on you and bite you in the ***.

That's right, BUT. If I don't do anything she will continue to think I don't care. Her many issue is that she thinks I'm a great person, but thinks I didn't show that I cared about her at all, she didn't fell loved. I feel so bad now about this, I never meant to hurt her. She definitely has a point, and I've come to realize my problem, even though it may be too late I really want to show her that I care. I just don't want her emotions to be like a "see saw".

There are plenty of ways to show somebody you care. It does not have to be gifts. Although I guess that helps. Do you know how to cook a fancy meal? Can you write your thoughts on paper well. Small little notes. Or letters are good.

There are plenty of ways to show somebody you care. It does not have to be gifts. Although I guess that helps. Do you know how to cook a fancy meal? Can you write your thoughts on paper well. Small little notes. Or letters are good.

I can't cook at all. I have left her little notes on her car at work, which she really appreciated. She is a person that LOVES gifts though, that's why I was thinking about getting her flowers.

Wait a minute... I am confused... are you two coming apart or going back together? It needs to be one or the other since something in between is 100% guaranteed to get someone hurt, really hurt.

Wait a minute... I am confused.... are you two coming apart or going back together? It needs to be one or the other since something in between is 100% guaranteed to get someone hurt, really hurt.

Well, for about 6 months we were moving apart, now that we are not living together I'M starting to have second thoughts. My goal is for no one to get hurt anymore, that is why I'm trying SO hard to get along perfect with her.

Remember there is no guarantees. Going back and forth. Yes and No. Not sure am sure. Will cause a lot of hurt. Eighther you want to get together and make it work like Val said. Or you make the decision to back away and stay away. Remember though unlike the first time marriage is a life time commitement. You do not have to get along perfectly. Pretending that everything is perfect all the time and holding things in and not clearing up things when things do get emotional or heated will just eventually blow up in your face as well.

No such thing as perfect. A lot of people expect things to be perfect all the time and when they are not that is when some of them walk away. Too many people now a days expect things to be perfect. There is not such thing and if you think that will solve your issue or her issue or both of you together it will not.

It is communication, The communication is so important. Whether you like certain things you do not. You agree or you do not. Whether your upset or not. Being able to listen to the other person. Hear what they are feeling and saying and really hear them.

You also need to learn how to cope with disagreements. Arguments, and everything between. If you can not handle things now. How are you going to handle being with somebody again.

GIVE AND TAKE. NOT GIVING ALL THE TIME, AND NOT TAKING ALL THE TIME. BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER IF THIS MIGHT WORK, needs this understanding. Everything goes both ways. If there is too much of one or the other there will be resentment.

Anyway, I know you have received lots of advice from different people. I hope it helps you in a way that works for you for your best interest and for your ex, best interest.

Joe

Anyway, I know you have received lots of advice from different people. I hope it helps you in a way that works for you for your best interest and for your ex, best interest.

Joe

Thank You!

" she's very good at having a completely different feeling the next day." Welcome to all women.

I think you need to really figure out why you felt that way during the marriage.

PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. - Always and forever. You don't have her, so you want her.

Marriage counseling is only good IF you sit down for HOURS and talk about it. Work through it.

1 year is not a marriage. You bailed.

1. I think you got married way too young.

2. I have a strong feeling you never listened to her. I mean really listened to her.

She has given her number to some guy that lives near her. He hasn't called her and I didn't make a big deal about it. Even though I'm not happy about it I didn't want to come off as controlling.

So the other day I met a couple women at the gym, completely harmless. She found out about it during our phone call last evening and 5 minutes later out of no where she invited me over. We had a great couple hours watching TV. She's the one that's been saying she didn't want to hang out much anymore??

Today she says she wants both of us to see what's out there. She says we can date other people but not tell the other person so we don't get hurt. I'm not a big fan of this agreement because I think if either of us date anyone it will end bad for us. I also found out that she has been telling people we are officially divorced; I'm assuming it's because she want's attention from the opposite sex.

I've been making huge efforts to treat her like she deserves to be treated. We're getting along MUCH better the last week or so. We'll see, this is a big mess and I blame myself for getting into it.


"

1 year is not a marriage. You bailed.

1. I think you got married way too young.

2. I have a strong feeling yu never listened to her. I mean really listened to her.

I agree, I bailed too early. Now I think it was a mistake and I'm not really sure why. I thought we got married at a pretty average age, we dated for many many years and got married in our mid 20's.

No guy is ready to get maerried until he in his 30's.

I believe marriages between 18 and 24 there is an almost 80% chance of divorce.

Women aren't ready until 26 or 27 at least.

Next time you two get together - listen to her... really let HER talk. This isn't about you.

I ALSO think you're settingyurself up with BIG HEARTACHE by staying in contact with her while she is free to date - I would never do that.

Dude - I'd say you're done with her and she's just playing nice... she wouldn't tell you she is dating other wise.

Just giving you a huge warning.

I ALSO think you're settingyurself up with BIG HEARTACHE by staying in contact with her while she is free to date - I would never do that.

Dude - I'd say you're done with her and she's just playing nice....she wouldn't tell you she is dating other wise.

Just giving you a huge warning.

Thanks for the advise. She hasn't dated yet. She still has strong feelings for me, I can tell when I'm around her. She says she want's to date because she want's to see how other people treat her. She told me I have to win her back.

She called tonight and we talked for over an hour (we normally only talk for about 15 minutes each night). It was a really good conversation. She even invited me over for dinner. I can tell the effort I've put in is paying off. Little by little I can tell she is realizing I'm making an effort, but she still wants to not see me very often and continue to hang out with her new friends every night and have fun.

Well, show the new you. Good for you.

I'd eve napologise if you want her back and tell you will try.

IF a woman want to be with you - she will make it easy.

Well, show the new you. Good for you.

I'd eve napologise if you want her back and tell you will try.

I have apologized many times and told her I realize the mistakes I've made and time will show that I'm working on them, she's mentioned she could tell I'm trying. Last week she didn't even want to talk to me, now when she calls I can tell she actually enjoys the conversations.

My only worry is, why was I so unhappy being married?? I'm struggling to figure this out. The last thing I want to do is for her to decide she wants me back then for me to end up with the same issues. I simply cannot and do not want to put her through any more drama, she doesn't deserve that.

I personally think, if you don't really know the answer to question you posed, you're not ready to be with her yet. Because you cannot get back into that relationship, without addressing what caused you to push her away in the first place.

You should find the answer to that question, before you get back with her. Otherwise, you'll neglect answering it, and the same results may transpire.

Hey man, I just joined this site and this is honeslty the first thread I came across... I probably won't throw too much advice out because I don't have a lot of experience myself... but I did want to let you know that I feel for you and glad to see there's people here helping you out...

If there was any advice I could give I guess it would be to always keep communication open and to be honest to her and yourself... I'll leave the rest up to Wildcat21.

I do think you married too young - that's the first thing.

It was a new experience and expectations. Things change when you marry - a lot changes. New experience and not everything is pleasant.

I personally think, if you don't really know the answer to question you posed, you're not ready to be with her yet. Because you cannot get back into that relationship, without addressing what caused you to push her away in the first place.



I agree completely, but it's hard for me not to try and get her back when I miss her this much.

I was supposed to go over there for dinner tonight. She just called and said she's not ready to start cooking me dinner, so instead I'm going over there after dinner to watch TV. We'll see if she calls back and cancels the entire evening. Women are complicated and hard to figure out??

Ya think? Maybe this is part of the problem... was she flakey like this during the marriage?

Take her out to dinner.

Ya think? Maybe this is part of the problem....was she flakey like this during the marriage?

Take her out to dinner.

She created a lot drama but wasn't really "flakey". I'm obviously not a female and clearly don't understand what goes on in there heads, but there should be no more drama in our situation. I've treated her perfect since we separated and promised her I'll always treat her this way, and I mean it. I think it got to a point where she was trying to forget about me and move on, then all of a sudden I changed and she doesn't really know how to handle it.

If she doesn't feel comfortable making me dinner at home there's no way she'll go out for dinner with me. She says it reminds her of when we were together.

Here's the problem... someone like you might change short term... you need to do this for life.

Hang in there my friend. I went through a similar thing. We were not married but when it ened. I knew it needed to. Shortly after, it hurt like a mo-fo. Hang in there. You'll get your norm. life back

Here's the problem....someone like you might change short term...you need to do this for life.

I agree... I'm committed to changing long term. No matter what were going through she's going to know I care about her and she's going to feel loved.

The thing is, she's not a saint when it comes to the relationship. I was more at fault, and I've admitted that to her, but she will also have to change things for us to work in the future. She can be almost impossible to deal with and changes the way she feels everyday. I know this is typical "female" behavior but it's still hard to deal with.

There must be something about living with her that makes me not feel good about the relationship though. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain how I changed after the marriage.

Yep - it's just females - believe me.

Take it slow this time Rockne - take it slow. No rush. Learn, Listen.

But YES - it's a two way street - she HAS to understand things she did made things worse.

I couldn't agree with WildCat more - Definitely take your time, have all the time in the world...

That's ONE thing people don't get - there is no rush... it takes time.

Not to make anyone mad but if you don't know yourself and what your about then how can you expect someone else to know you? I don't think its fair for you tio expect to get back with your wife until you have done the work on you that is necessary for a relationship. Until you address the problems with you first I would not expect you to be with anyone. Put your own house in order and then see what happens.

Not to make anyone mad but if you don't know yourself and what your about then how can you expect someone else to know you? I don't think its fair for you tio expect to get back with your wife until you have done the work on you that is necessary for a relationship. Until you address the problems with you first I would not expect you to be with anyone. Put your own house in order and then see what happens.

I think that's what I've done though. Her issue with me was that I was not caring, loving or affectionate. She felt like I didn't care about her. I've recognized that was my problem and HAVE changed. Every time I see or talk to her I'm very caring and loving, she has noticed, but it still hasn't really done much good yet.

Well... it won't for a long time. She needs healing fot a long time. This will NOT chage over not. Quite frankly YOU'RE LUCKY she even speaks with you.

Well...it wont for a long time. She needs healing fot a long time. This will NOT chage over not. Quite frankly YOU'RE LUCKY she even speaks with you.

Don't you think though if she doesn't see or talk to me for a period, hangs out with her new friends and has fun, then she will forget about me and want to do this everyday. If I can't show her how I've changed how will she be able to accept my changes and forgive me?

Well, honestly, you had a big part in bungling the marriage. SHE may realize that hanging with her friends and doing her own thing is what she wants to do. She's been with you, and it didn't work. You can't force her to give you another chance. You may not be doing that conscientiously, but it sure sounds like you are subconscientiously. Just because you think YOU'RE ready to be with her again, and make things work, does not mean she has to.

And maybe by losing her completely for awhile, will force you answer the questions it seems you still have. You don't sound like you fully know what you didn't like about the marriage. You better find out before you try it again.

And sying you've changed so quickly is dangerous. Usually there is a change for about 3 weeks. Get comfortable. Go back to old ways when they think the coast is clear. Happens al lthe time. Change takes long time.

Instead of trying to get your wife back you need to leave her alone and work on yourself. Whether she wishes to put up with your crap or not you need to work on you or you'll end up in the same boat. And you may feel good now but to say you've changed is fooling yourself not us. We know better. Get real and spare us the lip service.

Instead of trying to get your wife back you need to leave her alone and work on yourself.

I do leave her alone; we ONLY talk when she calls me. I haven't initiated contact with her in weeks.

"you need to work on yourself", what does that really mean?? Her main problem is I was not caring or loving, she felt like I didn't care about her. I look back and realize why this was a big problem, and after our separation I've made attempts to changed, and she has actually says I've changed and appreciates it, ironically she told me this on the phone tonight. What else am I supposed to do, work on myself?? How do you work on yourself? People say you can't change in a month, how long does it take? I think I've changed, she told me I've changed, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do besides keep treating her the way I am. If I keep treating her the way I am then I've changed.

Of course I'm not saying I'm totally perfect now, I know you can't really say you've changed completely in one month, but I've done everything I can so far. She wants me to be the person I was the first 6 years, not the last 5 months; I think I am.

By the way, I really appreciate everyone's comments so far.

This sounds interesting. I'm sure she wants you romantic and sweet again like back in the old times. Maybe this time you'll have to compromise and take part of the relationship. Most men think that once they get the girl it's a job well done and finished project. And leave her to her misery and frustration. The whole point is, she would still need you to dance with her emotions in order for her to take care of you. IF not then it will be a total failure. And for the record you can't just change in a short period. You need to pinpoint your weakness and work with it. It may even take years. Varies from person to person.

Hi there,
I'm kind of in the same situation except that I am the girl! We were engaged and my fiancé decided he wanted to be alone that he was not ready for marriage, this was 5 months ago and recently we have been seeing each other as friends all initiated by him. One month ago we ended up having passionate night together and then he was distant the next day.. so I'm thinking he is like you... and trying to find himself again.
You said you don't initiate contact with your wife? Have you told her why this is? Have you told her you do miss her but want to see what is missing in you? I think she is just mentioning other guys to make you jealous and see your reaction... Have you told her exactly what you arefeeling. I can see how shemust be feeling rejected if she is the one initiating the contact...

Another idea, why not go back to dating while living separately? Start back from t he beginning again.
Maybe you both got a bit dependent on each other and you felt you did not have your own life anymore?

Hi there,
im kind of in the same situation except that i am the girl! we were engaged and my fiance decided he wanted to be alone that he was not ready for marriage, this was 5 months ago and recently we have been seeing each other as friends all initiated by him. One month ago we ended up having passionate night together and then he was distant the next day.. so im thinking he is like you...and trying to find himself again.
you said you dont initiate contact with ur wife? have u told her why this is? have u told her u do miss her but want to see what is missing in you? i think she is just mentioning other guys to make u jealous and see ur reaction... Have you told her exactly what you arefeeling. I can see how shemust be feeling rejected if she is the one initiating the contact....

I also initiate contact, I wasn't at first because I didn't want to pressure her. She now know's I miss her and how I truly feel about her. She has admitted she was trying to make me feel jealous, but I think it's getting more serious now. It's been very strange the past month. She says she's still in love with me, she loves spending time with me, she could she herself having kids with me, I make her feel special while around her, I'm a great guy... But she says she may want to date other people because neither of us have really had another serious relationship. We do great, then when another guy gives her attention at work she gets all confused. She works at a hospital and a couple doctors have shown interest in her.

OK that's great she knows exactly how you feel.
And great things are getting good again, I guess she still feels a bit confused about what happened with you and maybe that's why she is telling you about the other guys... so just be the great guy she knew before and really communicate well with her and listen... I hope it will all work out fine.

And just out of interest, how long did you take before you really began to miss her(this is for my help in my situation and how long did it take before you told her how you were feeling?)

and just out of interest, how long did you take before you really began to miss her(this is for my help in my situation and how long did it take before you told her how you were feeling?)

It took about 2 weeks then a switch went off in my head and I haven't stopped thinking about her since then.

Things may sound great but I don't feel great. She has said even though she has all those strong feelings for me that she would get a divorce so she could date other people. There are a lot of ups and downs. Two days ago she told me she loved me and was considering wearing her engagement ring again, then yesterday some doctor asked her to do something and now she's all confused again. I think if she goes out with a doctor she will like it because she is with a 'doctor'. She admitted the guy wasn't very attractive but he was nice and he is a doctor.

Well I wonder should you both stop the divorce for now and give each other about 6 months and see how you feel about each other? Maybe the seeing each other now is confusing things? Maybe she needs to date some more guys so that she will realise what she had with you ?
Maybe you can communicate this in a very nice way to her
Example.. "i know ive treated you so bad this last year, i really was scared and maybe not ready for marriage as i thought..and i understand you lost feelings and trust for me. I love you so much however I am ready to wait for you and you date who you want to see if you can find someone better than me.." I'm sure this will get her to change her mind about the doctor:)

well i wonder should you both stop the divorce for now and give each other about 6 months and see how you feel about each other? maybe the seeing each other now is confusing things? maybe she needs to date some more guys so that she will realise what she had with you ?
maybe you can communicate this in a very nice way to her
example.."i know ive treated you so bad this last year, i really was scared and maybe not ready for marriage as i thought..and i understand you lost feelings and trust for me. I love you so much however I am ready to wait for you and you date who you want to see if you can find someone better than me.." im sure this will get her to change her mind about the doctor:)

That's good advice, I may try that. But then again I think she will be very attracted to dating a "doctor". I don't have nearly as much money as a doctor. The other thing, I don't think she will date anyone unless we're officially divorced. That's why I think we may end up getting a divorce just so she can go on dates. I personally don't think that's a good reason for divorce. We'll see what happens??

Rockne - What do you want? I mean, you left. Of course she should date. Her world certainly doesn't ans shouldn't revolve around you. You left - you're capable of doing git again. You hurt her. She needs stability and you don't provide that at all.

Yes I'm also just hoping the reason that you want her back is not because you heard she was dating someone else? Or was this the thing that got you out of the uncertainty?
If you knew she was out there waiting for you and not dating would you still be feeling that you want her back??

She just started talking about dating other people. I wanted her back before she ever mentioned that. Bottom line is, I made a big mistake and didn't realize it until she was gone. She keeps telling me things are great between us now, but she's worried they will go back if we get back together. I don't really have an answer for her, I only tell her time will show that I truly care now.

Well, she told me last night that she is tired of going back and forth, one day telling me she loves me and the next day thinking she may want to date other people. She says she's going to have a decision made by the middle of next week whether she want's a divorce or not.

Would the best thing for me to do is to just give her space and let her make her decision? Not contact her at all? It's tough because I feel like if I can't show her I care and she never sees me then the decision will not be a good one for me.

It's too confusing - just the other day she said she was still in love with me, she's really happy while spending time with me, she want's to have kids with me, I would be a great father... The only reason she says she would want a divorce is so she could date other people just to see if I'm the one for her. After we get the divorce it would be too late though.

WELL SEE WHAT HER DECISION IS, ITS in her hands now.. back off now . Maybe you can send her messages to tell her you are thinking of her etc
And if she decides she still wants the divorce,maybe getting the divorce and dating others is not a bad idea to see if you are really meant for each other..

Caring or loving - it's not like that's all of a sudden going to start again.