Threads merged

I've been on this MSG board for awhile now.. reading, absorbing, trying to learn and understand.. so I figured it was about time to share my story.

I met my girlfriend when she was 19- I was 26.. (im now 31- she's 24) and trust me after two other long relationships with younger girls I was very worried to try again.. but she was 'different', and to this day she truly was. Anyway- I have my own place and had a roomate- and recently she really started pushing me to move in/take the next steps- not marriage but talk about the future, house, etc.. But I didn't want to talk about it. I felt I was not ready- I had Peter Pan syndrome and did not want to grow up. Her moving in I related to taking a huge step, almost as if... it was like marriage. Some people do not make a big deal of it, but I did. So.. I pushed her ideas away, and wouldn't even discuss it. Anyway- it kept coming up and eventually led to me basically saying "if you want to move in, set dates/timeslines for our future, etc im not the guy.. because I'm not ready for that".. and I really just didn't feel ready- having a roommate, I just wasn't. Well.. we broke up and here's where I summarize a lot. She wanted me back for months- I told her I REALLY wanted to think about it, because if we get back together that's it- we're getting married, moving in, buying a house, etc.. She ALWAYS knew I was 'the one' bla bla.. I didn't. So after she went crazy blowing up my phone, emails, etc.. She finally left me to clear my head. I realized during this time that I had everything in life- family, friends, job, house... I just needed her, and now was ready to spend my life with HER.

Well.. after 3 months of pushing her away cause I was trying to figure things out- when I tried to get her back- it was a no go. I had 'hurt her too badly'. Now in these 2-3 months I still saw her, emailed her, text her.. kept communication open. I never talked to another female, got phone numbers- nothing.. I NEVER once cared 'what was on the other side of the fence'. It was either her or no other... and she always felt the same. Well... this was 4 months ago and I've been trying to get her back since. I tried giving her space, talking to her family, etc. Her mom, brothers, friends, want me back with her- but I know she is not a robot- and the decision will come from her. I did all the reaching out to her, and she basically told me "I guess I gave up". Well.. to this day she continues to tell me "I just don't know what I want". She hasn't hung out with any other guys, gotten any numbers- she tells me "If I don't know what I want with the guy I've loved for 4 1/2 years.. im not trying to meet any new people". And I believe her. Anyone that has tried to talk to her she just says the same thing "I don't know what I want.." bla.. I guess it really sucks when you lose soemone, clear your head, and then want them back more then you ever had.. and want to become a better person because of it. I've read books, watched videos - "the secret" etc.. Anything to become even a better boyfriend if she ever came back. No I never cheated, lied, deceived her, nothing.. never physically hurt her- I just 'took too long to make up my mind' and then it was too late. I ran into her this weekend randomly and she still says the same thing "I dont know what I want.." as I stand in dis-belief still to this day that she won't give it another chance.

I have surely almost become self-destructive with work, the gym, eating, and sleeping. Just like everyone else who lost a love I staired at pictures night and day, prayed to god to bring her back, etc.. But nothing helps. I know to keep busy, try to focus on the things I enjoy doing- but at the end of the night I sit home, alone, and miss her. She hasn't given me even an ounce of hope, so I don't know why I am still in denial.. I guess it's because she just keeps saying "I just don't know what I want". I don't know... there are many details here and there but the bottom line is.. I pushed her away when she wanted to spend her life with me and move forward- and when I was ready to take those steps, it was too late... I have very supportive family and friends.. but it still hurts just as much today as it did 4 months ago. - we've now been broken up for 6-7 months total. She hasn't talked to anyone else and neither have I. I don't want to.. not even to socialize. I love her family, she loves mine, we've travelled the world together.. and now it's over. She is not a drinker, never cared about partying, isn't permiscuous etc.. I guess maybe she really did just get hurt, and gave up.. I know the advice will be to let her go, don't talk to her family/friends anymore, and if it's meant to be it will be.. and I'm trying to do that.. I really am. I know there is no time-lines on a broken heart, hers or mine.. but I guess maybe I had hoped she would have seen that besides this issue of taking the next step.. we had it all together.. and I truly was a really good boyfriend to her. I'm one of those people that believes in honestly no matter what, good values/morals.. and if I can't keep a promise I'll never make one..

Life sux.. thumper.

I'm sorry you're going through this, obviously you know where you went wrong, and I guess she's just too frightened to go through all that pain again at the minute. There's really nothing I can add, maybe don't hassle her too much, give her a little space.
Really just wanted to say I'm sad for you :(

Sorry for your loss. Read the stickies at the top of the page and start NC and heal.

Sorry for your loss. Read the stickies at the top of the page and start NC and heal.

Romefalls-I've read all the stickies numerous times, and if it was as easy as that+NC I wouldn't have posted. It's not my first few weeks of trying to get over her, it's been 6 months apart :) Thanks though.

It's usually for every year together take 2 months, so the recovery is hard. How long have you been NC since the break up? Did you just start or has it been the whole 6 months?

It's usually for every year together take 2 months, so the recovery is hard. How long have you been NC since the break up? Did you just start or has it been the whole 6 months?

Hi Romefallas- I have not been in complete NC for very long. (I ran into her this weekend when I was out). I mean, her family and I are close- I am friends with both her brothers, so it's hard. Her mother wants me with her, as do her brothers & friend. So it's like.. it never goes away. And her leaving it open by saying "I just don't know what I want right now" doesn't leave much closure for me. But I guess some people that you would ask, her saying that would be enough to just close the door and move on. But I pushed her away initially to take the time I needed, and I guess it's her turn now. The difference is she has made very limited to no contact with me, it's now me chasing her- when in all previous breakups it was always her chasing me. So I can not say I have tried NC completely. That would mean no more contact with her family, friends, her, etc.. This may be what I need to do now, since no matter what anyone else wants for me and her- she is the one to make the decision in the end.

Exactly, you are starting to see what needs to be done. It takes time, it's a huge adjustment. It's breaking an addiction

Bump for possible more responses :)

I'm not sure there's more we can add at this point. You now have to cut contact and bring your own focus back to you. This will not be easy, but that's the starting point. She's told you where she stands, so there is no need to continue in that direction. The more you do, the more pain it will bring.

The guys are right, you have to make the choice of leaving her alone and healing before any progress can be made. That does mean leaving her and her family alone as they can only keep false hope alive, and doing other things with other people.

All your lacking is time, patients and balancing your life without her in it.

Sorry for your loss, but not being pushed into something your not ready for was a good move on your part for yourself, not a mistake.

The rest is the emotional fallout from a 4 year attachment, that has been broken. Maybe you can't see it now, but will be apparent AFTER you have been through the whole healing process.

No Contact, is the essential part, and includes her family. Your still a part of her life through them.

I actually shed a tear reading this post. It's obvious you love this girl.

In my opinion something has to give. She can't tell you 'I don't know' forever. She needs to either say she wants you, or she doesn't. I don't think that you will be able to move on until that happens. Maybe you can start small and go for coffee, or see if she will go to dinner with you.

Either way, its torture just keeping you hanging on.

My best of luck to you!

Merged threads

Well.. if you don't know my story- girlfriend of 4 1/2 years lost her 6 months ago.. still love her to death. Anyway.. went to the gym tonight, friend of mine mentioned he now realized who my ex was, saw pictures of her on Facebook, etc.. Well about one exercise into my workout (mind you the gym is my ONLY thing I have been able to focus on) I lost my head. I had to leave. Just the thoughts of her our and about ,having fun, meeting new people, perhaps guys ate right through me. I ended up at the beach, alone, contemplating some bad stuff... called a few close friends.. chatted. I went to the bar, drank by myself (first time in my life ever doing this), and got completely wasted. Called a close friend who came and got me with his fiancé and dropped me off at my house with my car.

So now I sit here, as always hating life, alone and wanting it all to end. I want to wake up numb to all this and make it go away. I have evertyhing in life going for me- but NONE of it seems to matter anymore... friends, family, the gym, etc.. Nothing matters since I have nobody to share my love/heart with.

I really really.. hate life...
Thump..

Hang in there man it will get better in time. Listen you do not want to do anything to harm yourself. No woman is worth that. It is not easy getting over someone and I know you have heard all this before. Just know you can always come here to vent, it always made me feel better to put how I was feeling down and talk to others. I am sure you are loved too much by many many people to think about hurting yourself.

Oh how I felt this SOO many times with my ex. I would feel fine for a week or two & pump myself up & at any given time I would just start thinking of him contantly, couldn't sleep nothing, shut out all friends family... but I hated seeing him MOVE ON & me THE ONLY ONE caring about how I wished we were still together screw that. If I didn't mean that much to the other person why do I put my life on hold when they don't give a crap?. Time will take its place just give yourself more time to get over it.

Oh I totally agree with what other people are saying here. I am going through the same thing as you are. My 4 year relationship just ended also. I think of him constantly, we did everything together, but the only difference now is that he's not here doing those things with me anymore, he's doing it with another girl.

Just the thought of him with someone else really kills... and there are many days I wake up crying cause I miss him so much. But believe that you did your best in this relationship and it is their lost to not be with you. You really shouldn't suffer when they are happily moving on. Go out with your friends even if you feel like crap... and accept the fact that there will be good days and bad days. The pain will slowly go away as time pass.

hey thump its none12345 thanks for writing on my thread =P

I know man we're all going through the same things here man. I know it is hard to forget. Maybe its time to get back in her life? If you feel like you're not completely healed yet than keep no contacting her and until you feel like you can move on without her that's when you know you're ready to confront her.

I know this is hard but maybe try to start dating other girls. You might find a love you never thought you will again. Anyway try to keep busy man. Yup yup I know how it feels to love someone you love so much.

Hope you feel better good luck!

I wake up every morning after dreaming for 8 hours about her. Everyday when I open my eyes, I want to die because the realization is that she's not here, and it's over. Everything I wanted to do in my life with her can't happen. Every time I wanted to hold her hand while I drive in my car on our way to dinner, I can't. We saw a movie every weekend, and I can't even watch a movie at my house let alone the movie theater.

I have a ton of friends and a ton of sh** going for me. But none of it feels the same with out her to share it with. No one truly cares like she did, or truly listens, and feels your emotions, and feels when you're upset, and feels when you're so happy. No one hugs you or kisses you like she does and I don't think anyone ever will.

Thumper, I'm in your same boat, I want to die every single day. But you can't do that to your friends and especially not your family, the people who are still here and who still care. She's gone and doesn't care anymore and probably wouldn't give you the time of day, when before she would give you the moon if she could. It's going to take so much time, 6 months is 3 1/2 months farther in this process than I am, so just hang in there.. I know there will be brighter days for both of us and everyone else on here.

I have been there and know the feeling.The sun still shines and the birds still sing and you wonder how all this can happen when inside the world feels dead to you.

The only thing I can tell you is that no one is worth losing yourself over and one day this will all just be a painful memory.

You can get through this.You have to try with everything in you.You can't let your thoughts keep drifting back to what you had and no longer do.You must tell yourself *I can do this*.Every time you think of her yell *NO* in your head.Do it every time and force yourself to think of something else.One day you will notice an hour has gone by and you didn't think of her,the next day ,it will be two hours.It takes a lot of work but if you persist,you will come out a survivor.

Believe me,you are not the only walking wounded out there but you can get through this.Persistence and determination are key.
Hang in there.

Oh man, I can't believe all the things that everyone is saying. I've been living a parallel life as well. Everything has been going so well for me in life until 1 girl (or 1 guy for others)... well other things are still going well... I've been going to the gym twice a day, and I've been lifting heavy weights that I didn't know I had in me, without feeling any soreness in my body. The heartpain is just too powerful that any phsyical pain doesn't seem to affect me.

I've been talking to a lot of friends too and I went to drink a bit last night as well, but with some friends.

I got to say, I have no idea how to make the pain go away. I keep telling myself that with time it will go away.

But this thread has brought people with similar types of situations together. So we're not alone. We just all got to hang in there and support each other. No one gets left behind, deal?

One day you will notice an hour has gone by and you didn't think of her,the next day ,it will be two hours.It takes a lot of work but if you persist,you will come out a survivor.

This is so true. Only time can heal this wound. Definitely try to keep busy. Pick up a new hobby. Do something that you have always wanted to do but haven't.

Fake it until you make it! Tell yourself today will be better. And eventually it will be. You have support of all of us here. :)

This is so true. Only time can heal this wound. Definetly try to keep busy. Pick up a new hobby. Do something that you have always wanted to do but haven't.

Fake it til you make it! Tell yourself today will be better. And eventually it will be. You have support of all of us here. :)

Yup everyone in this thread feels the same way as you. As how hard it is to let go and move on and make it and start all over fresh. Ever more reason we should stick together to help each other and be there for each other when we feel more down or usual or just someone to talk about your feelings. =P

I have been where your years ago but even though I never thought of ending my life the break-up I had left me feeling depress. Then I realize with time that I had to change my way of thinking and focus of other things that matter in life instead of things I can't control.

I had a bad break-up with a guy that did me wrong in the worst way and once we broke up I just hated him and I let that hate consume me. Until one day my mom came over to my house and snap me into reality and to this day I still hold on to her words.

I don't know the whole story to your break-up but sometimes you have to forgive people in order for you to move on. While your holding on they is out living their live while your having sleepless nights. You've to truly let go and if you've a good support system in place then use it. Take it day by day because each day you'll grew stronger and wiser.

It is like a emotional roller coaster. Some days are up whilst others are down, but trust me your life is worth living and death should not be an option to end your pain- because the truth is some time in the future you will look back at this moment and this situation and the feelings that you feel now will have faded.

TRUST ME your life is worth living, and this pain that you are feeling will not last forever. You need to gain a positive attitude, because how can you improve your moving on process when you are so negative about life?? Also drinking away your sorrow will not solve your problems, it just blanks out the situation and in the morning your feelings will not change on top of having a hang over .

Speak to your friends about not mentioning the EX. Politely say that you would not like to hear anything about her. This is what I have done and it helps, id rather be curious and never find information about him.

I'm dealing with my break up by moving on as best as I can. I still think about him everyday and I have down moments where all I can do is cry. But overall my moving on progress is improving so much. I'm doing this by changing the way I view myself and life. I try to think positive and stay strong, hard I know but it will help.

Thumper, you sound like me when my ex broke up with me a few years back. First off you need to cut all ties with her and her family. My ex used to drive past my house so it was a lot harder on me. But when I stopped contacting her and ignoring her I started to heal. It took me about 8 months for the pain to go away and about another 6-7 months to stop thinking about her everyday. Now a little over 2 years later I do still think about her but the pain is gone. That's because of NC. Trust me once you do this with her and her Family you will heal. I know it will be hard but you have to come first.

Thanks for the input everyone. I am just so exhausted.. everyday of my life I am just tired and have no energy. I don't sleep at night, and then wake up early for work. The weekends I try to go out and socialize, but even when I am out I drift off in my thoughts and emotions and most of the time I leave wherever I am.. or ask to be brought home.

It's just amazing that she is out there living her life, not seeing anyone (dating), but having fun, socializing, meeting new people, doing her thing.. and could care less anymore how I feel. Which is obvious since there is no communication on her part. While I walk the beach at night alone wondering where I went wrong, and continue to put all the blame on myself and put her on her pedastal. Yet not even a few months ago she was willing to spend the rest of her life with me. And SHE was the one begging me to come back to her, and crying, etc.. It's really hard because I know I hurt her emotionally by not knowing what I wanted when SHE did... but I really feel like I didn't do anything SO bad that she couldn't see the BIG picture.. and give us a chance. You always hear so many females (sorry not trying to generalize) how all they want is a good guy, good job, family, bla bla.. well, I got it- and she is attracted to me- but she is gone? All the decisions I made I made for US, to be true to the relationship or let it go if I wasn't ready to move forward with her. I'm in so much denial because it just does not make sense... and as most know, it may never. I'm just tired... tired of crying, tired of wondering, tired of not being able to sleep.. tired of nightmares, tired of knowing I may never hold her again.. so god dam tired.. and tired of her telling me and everyone else "I just don't know what I want".. I so wish she would make up her mind and just tell me "I met another guy, or I am hanging out with another guy, or you and me aren't getting back together".. some type of closure would be great. But then again maybe her saying "I dont know what I want" is the truth.. either way I've tried to HOPE and BELIEVE in her, and us, but it has not gotten me anywhere.. she knows how I feel.. and it just doesn't matter anymore... argh... I so wish I could be one of those guys who just sleeps with a few chicks and gets over their ex.. life would be so much easier..
Thump

Thump

I so wish I could be one of those guys who just sleeps with a few chicks and gets over their ex.. life would be so much easier..


But you're not. And that is what makes you the person that you are. Someone who is able to come on an anonymous self-help website and share of your experiences in an attempt to help someone else. You're not bottling up your grief, hoarding it so that you are alone in your misery, but you're sharing it with others, hoping that they will not only find solace in your like circumstances, but also be able to help you in your time of grief.

You're standing. You're surviving. You're making it.

It's hard as Hades, but you're doing it.

You will make it. You will survive. You will one day look back on this and see how it has made you stronger, wiser, and more of a charactered person.

Like the Rascal Flatts song STAND

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be all right
You'll be all right

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand

2. Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before it's gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Yeah then you stand.

Bridge:
Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
Yeah then you stand.
Yeah then you stand.hake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand.

Stand. We're all standing with you. :)

You know what, you don't need to read into her "I don't know what I want" statement. She knows what she wants, she's just saying that so it does not hurt you as much. But she doesn't realize that it probably hurts you more.

Some people have the impression that "vagueness" is less painful than "directness." I have no idea where they get that impression, but it's just the way it is.

Even if her "I don't know" statement is true, she obviously doesn't care about you as much as before. If you really liked someone, you wouldn't have that kind of doubt.

So either way, you can take that statement and consider it closure.

Her "I dont know what I want" statement.. to me doesn't sound entirely true. To be honest my friend, she has made her decision- she knows what she wants, but she has done the same thing many others have done to their ex's, and that is not telling them the TRUTH, not giving them true CLOSURE... they think being vague will protect the one they are breaking up with.. NOT TRUE!.

Also, NO! You do not want her to tell you she has found someone else... take it from someone who's girlfriend left him for another guy (and gave me the excuse that 'I don't feel comfortable in a relationship')... you really don't want to find stuff like that out dude!.

I really hope you have initiated FULL NC.. no phone, text, IM, Facebook etc... like KC says, treat it like a death - mourn over it, but never return to it once its out of your system. I promise you.. you will be fine!.

FULL NC + TIME AND PATIENCE = SUCCESS

Update.. well, I have been trying to enjoy my time out with my friends a bit more even though it's consumed with alcohol. I will admit I have built up a tolerance for vodka... scary.

This weekend I ran into her when I was out with a friend.. I just smiled and walked by them.. did not stop to say hello, did not do anything but smile walk by and not even turn around for a second look. My friend was proud that I didn't bug out. She was just with a girlfriend of hers. I still have not kept to full NC as I find comfort in talking to one of her closest female friends. Her friend knows she is being a stubborn moron, and making a bad decision.. but in the end, it's her decision and nobody can change her mind. I know I should not talk to her friend, but.. I guess I do because it's comforting in a weird way to know that even her BEST friend thinks she is making a very bad decision.. and is actually annoyed at her for not getting back with me. And her friend almost reminds me of my ex, or at least the way she used to care. I know, this is holding me back from healing.. I guess my stubbornness to let go and accept it's over is leading to these actions.

I've actually recently been trying to look at pictures of her and act like I am no longer attracted to her- that didn't work. The only thing that even helps a bit is realizing that the girl that used to hold me and promise she would never let me go is no longer the same person. Because if she was the same girl, she would be talking to me and wanting to work through things. That hurts like hell to think like that, but hey- it's the facts now isn't it? I guess I just don't understand how I can move on to meeting new people, when my heart is still 100% consumed by her. I know "more time" is needed, but I tell you what... I've grown tired of giving my all to someone who doesn't give a f about me... but as mad as I want to be at her, I can't really blame her for what has happened between us. Nor can I blame myself for just not being ready at that time..
Thump..

Threads merged

Well.. quick recap- lost my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years about 8 months ago due to us just being on different pages/timelines..

Anyway.. recently (2 weeks ago) I saw her and went out of my way to say hello / ask how she was. Her responses were expected, very cold, very short, with no emotion.. I reminded her that I love her, and miss her- which she already knows and understands. I felt like my heart was shattered all over again when I pulled away as the words echoed in my head from her "I just want to be single and free". In all the years we dated, she always promised me she never cared about the single 'free' life.. how ironic..

I have nightmares still all the time.. last night my nightmare consisted of her being used and abused by some guy, as she was all drugged up. When confronting the guy he said "You just don't get it.. she doesn't want you anymore, she's now a drug addict, and a wh$re..the joke is on you". Well.. in the dream I basically beat the guy to death, and carried my ex- to the bathroom asking her "Why are you doing this.... why..." needless to say my subconscious is wreaking havoc on me.. waking up to that type of dream is not very good.

I've come to the point where I would love to tell myself I am improving as I am going out, lifting, meeting new people, even went on a bad date... but I know I'm only fooling myself as I destroyed something in my house today due to my emotions getting the best of me and I don't know how to release.. I just don't understand how a person who knows there is someone out there who would die for them, is OK with turning their back and just walking away. Willing to no longer have any conversation with them, care for them, and show no emotion to them when seeing them... I just don't understand. I teeter on crying/enraging every second of the day.. I'm so mad yet so hurt, and it's been a pretty long time.. I guess I just don't understand, and I never will. I'll neve get the answers I want, and I'll never get the girl that I love... I think I'm wasting my time trying to meet new people, because even as one girl told me "You're still holding on to your ex", and she is right..

Thumper..

I just don't understand how a person who knows there is someone out there who would die for them, is ok with turning their back and just walking away.

That person is dying for them, and look at where it's getting you. You are dying for this woman's attention, telling her you love her when she won't even smile at you. I question how she's worth dying for. She certainly isn't worth loving.

You also have to give yourself some credit. She knew this was going to end and you got caught off guard. She backed herself out before it happened. After 4 years, and a surprise dumping you have every right to still be upset and in pain. But you don't help your cause by talking to her at all, and telling her your still in love and miss her is just a huge mistake. Even if it's true, it just scares her off and continues your own pain. You have to stop talking to her, and this should have been done months ago. Every time you talk to her, you hit the reset button on your own emotional healing.

Agreed - you really need to distance yourself and realize that you don't have to care anymore. A friend of mine told me this as we were driving one day. "I care if that person in the red car in front of us would wreck or get hurt, but I am not going to lose sleep over it."

It's not your problem anymore, she is going to do what she wants and honestly if you keep showing the attention to her, it sounds like she is just going to be pushed further and further into the downward spiral she has started. But nobody can pull her out, but herself. Just remember, you are responsible for one person - YOU!

First of all, don't want to be mean or anything, you got what was coming to you when you saw her and you told her you love her. Never do that after a breakup!!

As for the nightmares, you haven't been NCing have you? If you did it would have slowly stopped and you would be stronger by now!

The truth is our ex doesn't care about us anymore no matter how sad we are or how much we are willing to do for them. You deserve better, someone who won't leave you ever and you will find that person.

Until then you need to get your life back on track. Don't contact her anymore and heal bro. Best wishes.

I just don't understand how a person who knows there is someone out there who would die for them, is ok with turning their back and just walking away. Willing to no longer have any conversation with them, care for them, and show no emotion to them when seeing them... I just don't understand.

Well, you don't understand because you're making it all about you.

She doesn't want you to die for her and she's telling you in the only way she knows how. You're not listening bacause you're too busy thinking about how great you are (and how she can't see this)and about how awful you feel. You're angry because she doesn't want you, but someone else will when you grow up a bit.

Stop making it about you. In fact, just stop it. It's over, all done, all finished.

Sit down, drink a big long glass of harden the f**k up and get on with your life.

Cut contact with the girl, this means no phone calls, no I love yous and no quick hello's. I guarantee you will start to feel better once you cut the contact

Yes, put any any photos, don't email her, don't call her don't text her, if you happen to see her ignore her.

And start dating, every weekend if you can get out and start living life for you.

Yes, put any any photos, don't email her, don't call her don't text her, if you happen to see her ignore her.

And start dating, every weekend if you can get out and start living life for you.

Start dating? How is that suppose to help him??

My advice

If you happen to see her don't ignore her, but be short but polite.It was 4 and a half year relationship it will take time for you to get over her.

I am going to give you some cold truth, from the movie "Wyatt Earp." When asked about women, Earp had this to say: "Women run off...they leave...they die...but family is forever..."

It is a fairly cold line to remember, but it is a mentality I have when it comes to a break up, especially when you devote so much emotion and energy into something that isn't reciprocated. This isn't about her, it is about the fact that you have yet to face the truth. She doesn't care whether you would lay your life down for her... that is your prerogative, and she simply has her own life to live. You do to, once you realize you are in control of your life. Once someone leaves you and tells you they do not love you anymore, it is time to face that truth and get on with your life. Fu** them!! Life is too short man.

I am in the EXACT situation you are as far as time. 4 1/2 year relationship and broke up in August. I recently ran into my ex at a bar. My friends said, "Guess who is here...(insert her name)." You know what I said? "And???" Grabbed my beer and continued to have fun.

Threads merged because this is not a new topic, and the background info is importanr for good feedback


So I wanted to make a new topic and not add to my original post (gf 4 1/2 years ended 8 months ago) and discuss these changes in feelings.

Basically she has cut me off, won't communicate with any of her/my old friends that know me, no emails, texts,phone calls etc from her in 6 months+.. someone taught her how to go NC very good lol. Anyway.. the one time I did see her/ and 1 time I did talk to her on the phone she made it clear that she KNOWS what I want, and how I feel but she doesn't want it. Ok so be it... here is the dilemma..

Any of my ex's who have cheated,lied,deceived me I was able to get mad at/angry and move on from them in a much shorter time. This recent ex never did anything so wrong that made me mad.. she just had a chance in feelings and wanted to be single again.. OK whatever.. I still wanted her back for o.. 8 months now. BUT now that I realize she is not coming back, she has no desire to keep me in her life, talk to me ever again.. I have almost become bitter to that... it's a toss up between totally hurt, and mad. I guess it's an ego thing where you can't understand that someone who wanted to marry you, can all of a sudden not even want you in their life OR care about what is going on in yours.

I really don't want to hate her, or dislike her, etc... because she was an amazing girl and we really cared for each other.. but I can't help it. It's almost like I can already predict totally ignoring her if I ever see her again because I'm so hurt by her lack of communication with me on any level.

Anyway- any of you ever get like this? I mean if she knocked on my door today I would probably take her back, or at least consider it after much communication... but overall Im just so pissed off now after so much time has passed.. for so long I would have done anything to get her back, but once I realized it's not happening.. I am just becoming angry towards her in my own mind.

Thoughts?
-Thumper

Why are you spinning your wheels over this girl? It is hurting only you. Move forward. Make new friends. Date lots of girls. Find ways to have fun.

Anger is part of the grieving process. But just a part. Talk it out, write it out, go exercise or play sports to release some of the energy but it's normal to feel anger. Just don't act it out.

NC is a very good thing for both parties. You probably don't see the utility in it but you'll realize, one day, that she's doing you a huge favor.

Wondergirl- Why am I spinning my wheels over her? Because I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her? Lol.. and unfortunately I have no desire to date lots of girls... I still don't even feel ready to put myself out there as available when I'm certainly not available emotionally. And have not touched a girl / kiss anyone since her, so I'm practically a born again virgin :)

Susan- I know it is most likely the best thing for both of us. But, that does not mean it's easy, nor can I accept it without question. I don't know, just something about someone turning their back and walking away from you after sharing so much of their life with you good and bad, and committing themselves to you, ONLY to have them disappear a few months later is a little f'ed up in my eyes. Obviously I am not over her, although I really wish I was. My own mother cried on mothers day telling me she hates to see me hurt.. she can't be happy if her son is not.. that ripped through me like a nail..

Thumper, the first thing that I would say, is that you are in control of your own feelings and reactions.

At the moment, you're still feeling disappointed, disillusioned and dejected. You're wise enough to see that it's partly your ego that's hurting because you feel that she has rejected you. Part of what you're also feeling is grief - grief for the lost opportunities and for the plans that you'd made about your relationship.

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process. Bitterness is not. You can control how you feel, and you don't have to feel like this.

She has been utterly honest with you, and you should respect her for that. You must admit, any contact on her part would have got your hopes up again, and dragged the process on longer. Accept her disconnection from you as a gift. She is actually doing you a favour.

You don't have to hate her or dislike her - that is your ego talking. Make the choice to accept her choice and choose to do it with grace and dignity. Choose indifference if you must, but don't choose anger or hate - you and your future relationships will be the ones to suffer, not her.

Welcome to the real world of doing things that you don't want to, and stuff just happening whether we like it or not.

Not trying to be harsh, but we all know its not easy to unlatch yourself from someone who we have shared so much with, for so long. Its normal to have all these feelings, but the point you have to understand, you must deal with them.

That's always the bottom line... how you handle what life throws at you.

Learn to love yourself enough to know what's the right thing to do to make you happy.

Be glad she has not tried to contact you. My ex has contacted me recently for unimportant reasons. I caved and talked to her. Trust me, it doesn't help. I thought I would learn that by now after reading advice and dishing it out... but I haven't.

Like Gemini said, her not contacting you is a blessing in disguise! No one said that the healing process would be easy or quick. It is necessary in order for you to continue your life in solid and happy state of mind.

Threads merged


Hi All,

Well after 8 months of being broken up with my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years I am finally able to let it go. I had been holding on, doing things I shouldn't, and having false hope that one day there would be a knock at my door, or my phone would ring and I would live happily ever after.
I decided after not speaking to her for a very long time I would make one last phone call (Broke NC), because I needed to. I needed to hear that she was OK with no longer being in my life, or having me in hers. That she was OK with no longer ever hearing from me, seeing me, or etc. Now of course this may have already been obvious by her lack of calls, emails, texts, etc... to anyone but ME- but to the broken hearted, and me being in denial sometimes it takes actually hearing it from that person.

It hurt, it was painful, but it really has given me the closure I needed. It is surely disheartening to finally accept that she has become a totally different person then I loved and cared for, but that is her decision and her life. Letting go of trying to control a situation that is OUT of your control is not an easy task. But accepting that she is now at a different point in her life in many aspects is key.

I guess to those that are sitting and wondering when/where/how/what if this/that... TRY to accept the fact that if it really was meant to be- it will be without ANY doing on your part. Holding on to someone that does not want to be held on to is a very torturous exercise and will drain you mentally and physically. Try to avoid it..

Anyway- I appreciate the feedback I have received on this website- I think there are some amazing people here with some HUGE hearts. I have seen a lot of people grow up and mature from the little time I have been here- people of all ages. Try to be easy on yourselves, love yourself, regain your confidence and be happy that you care enough to reach out for help/advice. Someday someone WILL WANT what you have to offer, and truly appreciate the love we all have to give to someone. I am still single and have not even touched a girl in 8 months, but time will heal this wound.. and I believe things WILL get better. We have no control on what happens to us in life, but we have all the power in the world on how to HANDLE what happens to us.

Thumper

That is so awesome that you finally have closure. Congratulations! It took me a long time to finally let go of my ex too. I just recently reached the same point in my life where you are at. That is great to see that I am not the only one who had a hard time getting over an ex and dealing with closure. It is also good to hear the success stories of NC. Time does heal all wounds even if that isn't what you want to hear while going through a rough break-up.

This forum is also very helpful and has some great people with some great advice. I am so glad that I found it. Congratulations on getting the closure and hang in there. God will put the right person in your life at the right time. Good luck with everything and keep doing what you are doing!

Thanks for giving us your feedback! I'm glad that you were able to get the closure. Hopefully I will get to the same point someday.

This is a good example of when it's a good time to break no contact.

But we should note that not everyone is going to be as lucky as you. One phone call and you flick the switch off. It doesn't always work this way. Breaking no contact can easily prolong the recovery process too.

Good for you Thumber and I bet you never thought you would be in the place your at today.

Your outcome will encourage others in ways you can't imagine.

Cheers!

It great you have closure. Now you can focus all of your energy on your life with out wondering what could be.

Good job!

Congrats man, I envy you for accepting reality and letting go of this situation. I hope the ride won't be too long, keep your head up man and stay strong.

Threads merged again. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

Just need to vent, possibly hear some peoples input and thoughts..

Its been over a year since me and my ex broke up.. I did try for a long time (9 months) to get her back, which failed miserably. She was mean and cold and straight up told me there is no reason for her to keep me in her life, and no need to talk to me about anything again. Case closed... she seemed strong and no desire to ever hear/see me again.

So jump ahead to ~August 2009, I met a new girl- who is now my girlfriend of 5-6 months. About 2 months ago I get a text from my ex.. it said "I just wanted to say I hope your new gf gives you everything i never could, and I'm glad your happy now".. I let it go for few days.. then I responded. (I know I shouldn't have.. I had not spoken to her for ~9 months). So I txt'ed her back basically saying.. "You gave me everything I wanted, why do you think i tried to get you back for so long.. this has nothing to do with you not giving me what i wanted..i loved you,cared, etc etc"... It went back and forth and then she called me. We talked for like 45 minutes and it was a lot of re-hashing, on her part.. of why it just won't work.. she didn't want to hear anything positive.. and how "It doesn't matter anymore" as she said since I now have a girlfriend. We ended the call, she told me how great I was to her, respected her, blew smoke up my a$$ basically.. leaving me saying "Im so great.. but again.. she doesn't want me".

So.. I didn't speak to her after that call until a week ago. I f'ed up and called her one drunken night and she didn't pick up luckily. But the next day she did call me back and was straight up nasty to me... "Why the f did you call me.. what did you need...leave me alone...stay out of my life.. im perfectly happy, my life is great..etc"... we hung up- 15 minutes later my new girlfriend calls and tells me my ex wrote her an email. (Could have figured that would happen.. I did mess up calling my ex). Anyway.. my ex told my girlfriend "Please tell thumper to stop calling me and txting me..its over between us, maybe you can get it through to him". My GF was upset- questioned why I called her, and moved on past it. My ex went on to text me two more times, very nasty.. which I ignored. And now I come to find out she is basically posting stuff on Facebook calling me names, telling the world how I can't move on.. etc etc.

Now yes, I know I am wrong for continuing to entertain my ex in any way shape or form. And should not have called/answered/responded at all.. but after 5 years with someone there are lingering feelings- even if I have a new girlfriend or not. Anyway.. I guess I have to wonder, why in the world does she find it necessary to be so god dam mean to me. 2 months ago she said how great I was to her, and how much I loved her, and now she has NO problem bad-mouthing me, calling me names, and talking sh!t. I have never done that to her, ever.

(on a side note-- I am still friends with her family, specifically her brother since we were close friends before I ever met her.. I know this drives her nuts but I'm not going to not be his friend because she doesn't like it.. )

I don't like having someone that I cared so much about, hate me.. she's even posted "Just hearing his name makes me sick"... really? Wow...

Thumper

Ignore her.
Whatever her issues are and if she wants to come across as an immature kid,that's her problem.

Block her on FB etc.
And don't get in touch with her ever again.

She is a witch and a bad person (sorry, that's as mean as I get! But, getting "bad person" from me is HUGE!:) )

You're doing what you can. You're being honest with your girlfriend about this ex - that's the best thing that you can do. Be sure to maintain that honest and open communication; she is your best ally in all of this.

Don't get mad, don't try and get even, don't give her the satisfaction that she is even bothering you. That's what she wants. Drama.

I'd even go as far as to stay off Facebook or block her from your feed. FB is toxic in these types of situations.

Don't talk to her, don't read her texts, don't listen to her ranting voice mails. Or, even better... let your girlfriend deal with them. She needs to know what's going on... because she is probably sensitive to the whole issue.

Best of luck, man.

Look, in her mind you're harassing her. She just wants to get on with her life - and you should in all honestly, be getting on with yours! Yea, she's being mean now (and probably much meaner than you deserve), but let's face it - you just can't let go can you?

Try and see it her way - you've been broken up for 12 months. Nine of those months you've spent, unsuccessfully, trying to get her back. Now you've got a GF and you're still making contact with her.

When will it sink in? What does it take to get you to let go? Stop making excuses about your 'lingering feelings' and take responsibility for this continual harassment of your Ex.

She's being mean now because she probably feels that it's the only way to get through to you and she's had enough!

Stop bleating about how horrible she is and about how you don't deserve to be treated this way because you loved her. In all honesty, if you really loved her, you'd respect her wishes and let her go. That's all she's asking of you.

It's been 12 months. Get over it.

Gemini- I respect your input and agree with some of your comments. I remind you that until she re-initiated contact with me, I had not spoken/txt/had any contact with her at all for several months. Once she heard I had a girlfriend she re-initiated contact with me, stirring the pot, and causing the wound to re-open. I was doing just fine not hearing from her, etc. Did I completely and 100% let go? No... I believe I will always have a place in my heart for her, and never wish negative upon her. Do I wish her back? Absolutely not... I just wish things to be cordial (sp)- which is something she can not do, and that is the part I don't understand. It was OK for her to contact me after she told me to stay out of her life, but if I contact her back- she runs to my girlfriend, and starts talking sh!t? I let her go, I respected her wishes and stayed strong to NC, until she reached out to me... so you saying I am harassing her is a bit much.

As I said before, I shouldn't have called her that one night- but we make mistakes.. but her immaturity and 'I can do but you can't' attitude is bs in my eyes..
Thumper

I'd say forget her and worry about your current girlfriend. I don't know why you have one anyway.

Emo- You don't know why I have what, a current girlfriend? If you're going to post a vague stab- save it.
If that is indeed what you are implying.. then I will answer it. I have a girlfriend because after I took a long time alone, and by myself with no contact from my ex I decided I was ready to move on, and see what else was out there. We can sit and wallow in sorrow for as long as we want, and never really HEAL. Sometimes it really does take a new face/touch/relationship to remind you that there are good people out there and what you lost- is better off that way- gone.

There are many times I ask myself "Should I even be in a relationship if I still think about my ex".. but the answer is yes. Because I don't desire her anymore, or long for her... the thoughts I have are normal and natural.. I almost spent my life with her. Will my walls be up and will it be hard for me to feel the same way with this new girlfriend? Yes, absolutely.. and that will come with timeeee... but that should not be a reason to stay single, and not put myself out there. I have A LOT to offer and was not going to waste anymore time sitting around.

Thumper

CrazyThumper, it's quite apparent that you're not over her completely, this much you have admitted yourself. What were her true intentions with the message she sent? We could have a wonderful debate over it but honestly, who the hell cares?

So she sent a text to you stating "I just wanted to say I hope your new gf gives you everything i never could, and I'm glad your happy now". From my perspective, it was a pretty innocuous text. I personally would have interpreted it as her just wishing me well on hearing I had a new girl in my life and left it at that. I would have either ignored it, or sent a quick reply saying: "Thanks! Hope things are well with you." But this isn't about me, it's about you.

Nobody held a gun to your head to make you reply with what you did - and now you're dealing with the fallout. While I'm not saying what you did was wrong, I will however call you out here on your expectation of her reaction. To me I feel that it is really no wonder why she reacted the way she did because if you put yourself in her shoes, that's the same kind of crap she's probably heard for those 9 months you tried to get her back! I am not denying her actions were immature at best and granted, she did some very uncool and downright nasty things but again this could have been totally avoided to begin with.

We all make mistakes yes but we also need to learn from them. We all have learned that if we put our hand into a fire, we get burnt. If you poke a stick at a dog, and the dog will be provoked to bite back. You've chosen your actions, and now you have to deal with the consequences. I wish you well on taking these lessons to heart, and hopefully you can finally, truly 100% move on. Good luck.

Thanks duck- nice post. Yes.. I definiately have played with fire a few time hoping to get a different reaction then I did. Trust me.. moving on from this point on is going to be easy... it's just never EASY accepting that someone you once loved/the love they had for you is totally lost and filled with bitterness and resent.. that's life.

Thumper

That is something you have to learn to cope with. People and feelings change. Your current GF doesn't deserve to be dragged through all of this baggage that you dredged up from the past. Don't take a good thing and ruin it by chasing something that no longer is.

That's why NC is crucial. And not rebounding with baggage.

Another lesson, man. What do you want?