My husband left me when my daughter was only 3. I brought her up myself, always worked full time and even completed a post graduate course which I had started just 2 months before he left so I could earn a bit more. I did my very best for my daughter and avoided spoiling her. I put my own life on hold as she came first which I don't regret.
My daughter is now 22 and has lived with her boyfriend for the past 3 years. He has hit her in the past - her dad and I tried to help, but she wouldn't leave him. I was worried sick.
I love her to bits - like most mothers do - but now, she no longer discusses her home life, and I don't see her as much as I would like. I live on my own. Its always me who e-mails or phones her but usually, she is too busy to see me. I know she has her own life, and I respect that.
She shows me no respect and ended my last call to her telling me to f*** Off! (I usually phone her once a week) This really upset me (I have never condoned swearing) and didn't deserve her slamming the phone down on me. She is fed up at the moment as isn't enjoying her job, I asked if there was anything I could do to cheer her up. She said, only her boyfriend can do that, which is fair enough. However, she said I always show her up! Don't know where that came from! I asked her if she would rather me not contact her, which caused the expletive and her to slam down the phone.
I have no family to speak of. Parents are dead, and two brothers live opposite sides of the country and have always got on with their lives and they don't keep in touch. Sorry, sounds like I feel sorry for myself, but I am generally happy and get on with life.
Friends are a great help, but I just feel so sad that I can't have a good relationship with my daughter.
I don't know whether to wait for her to contact me, or get in touch with her when she has calmed down. Its her birthday next week, and I had offered to treat her.

Do you discuss things with her or lecture her?

Hi Judy, I tend to try to discuss things with her. I never tell her what she should do with her own life. Thing is, she always takes any comments very personally, so I have to be really careful how I say things to her.

Sounds like she doesn't know what to do and so she takes everything as criticism - and you are walking a very thin line.

Difficult, difficult situation. Hopefully someone with some experience will come along.

It sounds like more is going on than she's not happy with her job. You said that her boyfriend has hit her in the past and that makes me wonder. She's only 22 and I'm going to presume that her boyfriend is near the same age. Is he still hitting her? If so, that would make her angry and confused as to what to do and could also explain her behavior towards you. Maybe she is trying to shut you out so you won't know what's going on. Or she doesn't want to hear an "I told you so". For now, I would ignore the last phone call and the way it ended and call her up and invite her out for her birthday without talking about any of those issues. Maybe once you're out alone together, she'll open up and shed some light on what's going on with her.

Well she is 22 years old. You calling her and you saying certain things triggers a reaction in her. Whether you like it or not. There are things going on in her life that you can not help her with. Always show her love and that is it. If you are always calling her and trying to make things perfect for her, your rubbing her the wrong way. Your kind of throwing that in her face about not calling at all, which is not good either.

There are two sides to every story and no matter what your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions. Whether they are the right ones or wrong ones. If she is in an abusive relationship. It is up to her to seek the help. You could try blue in your face but at the same time you could be driving her closer to this guy.

Realize it is not your job to cheer her up or make everything right. What your job as a mother is... Not to force your opinions on her or always trying to say things to her, but maybe she just needs a mother to listen to her.

When you call her next time. Tell her that you love her, and that anytime she needs you. You will be there for her anytime. Then she knows the offer is there but do NOT FORCE IT ON HER. After this let her reach out to you when SHE IS READY.

Your very overly sensitive and sounds like a bit jealous as well. Your daughter has grown up and you do not really want her too because you would rather her with you but the whole job of a parent is to raise them for eventually one day for them to old enough to leave the nest and have a life of their own.

So remember, Love, understanding and LISTEN instead of doing all the talking.

Take care and best wishes. No matter what is going on you will always be her mother, and she will always be your daughter just give it some time. Okay.

Joe