Im 22 years old. The older I get the more my mom and me have trouble.

Here is some info:
-she and my dad have a bad relationship, he abuses her, and so does she in her own way.
-my mom is sick of my dad and wants to get divorced but always uses my siblings (mostly me) to help her get divorced or better with my dad
- my parents talks bad about each other to make us have sides
-they pretend we are in a happy family
-they use me as the middle person to settle agreements

The reason why I mentioned all the above is because I want you to understand my position.. now about the relationship with my mom, :
-she gave birth to me without feeling any pain
-she shows my sister love and admiration, while I get hate
-i never heard her say "i love you to me"
-my sister, who is 5 years younger, gets more freedom than I do
-i get judged and punished harshly, while my sister doesn't
(by the way I do not envy or hate my sister because she has a better relationship with my mom)

I think she blames me for:
-wrecking her marriage (I don't know why)
-she is jealous of me (I don't know why)
-Im my dads favorite child, as well as my older brother, (but I fight with my dad constantly)
-all the mistakes in her life... I would stand up for her and lie that I did "that" so she wouldn't get made fun of, instead of thanking me she would believe me and blame me... she would really believe it.. (I haven't stood up to her anymore)
-not letting her sister visit us, when I wasn't even to blame

My mom has recently told me that she does not want me to go to her funeral.. to be honest I don't care so much... I'm so sick of this cycle.. she is the only thing that affects me so much. I want her acceptance but I'm learning to deal with it. I did anything for her and she doesn't appreciate it.

She has never been therefore me, ever. I was on my own growing up, whenever I needed a mother the most I had to learn to just stuff everything inside of me... every important occasion of my life when I needed support, I would be lonely...
Naturally Im really kind, at least that's what people tell me. So I'm they type of person that if you treat me bad, I mean really bad, then ill be bad as well. And since me and my mom have fighted so often I become more bad with each fight... and so does she.

I never used to hit her when she hit me and pulled my hair, but now all I do is defend myself by pulling her hair after she pulls mine. I lost my respect for her. I feel horrible after each fight.. I just don't know why she starts it.. I understand she is unhappy with my father and can't divorce him due to financial and personal reasons (and she doesn't want to) but she can't keep using him as an excuse to keep beating the life out of me.

I used to think she was a strong person, but all I see now are her weaknesses

I hate that she never realizes what she has done. I hate that she thinks because she is the mother she can say and do whatever without apologizing. I hate that when I get sick she doesn't give a crap.. I hate when she tells me that I should show her attention and ask her how she is doing, when she has never done that to me, and all I have ever done in my life was to try to make her life better because she keeps wanting it... Im never doing that again...

I understand that I'm not so much of a good daughter, and I understand that I am also to blame for the relationship, but I just want to know why she hates me so much...

And please don't say that she doesn't hate me, because she does. She doesn't love me unconditionally, never showed me affection or attention, always told me to be like other girls (im pretty fine, so I don't know why she would say such a thing)...

Because of her I am not so social, I have friends, but socializing is very hard for me..

And I always talk to people with a stupid smile on my face, when I just really want to be myself, but I cant... I don't know why..

Im sorry this is long, but its affecting me so much and any help I get will be appreciated...

Please let me know if I am doing anything wrong as well...

Thank you...

Ive come to the point where I don't care if she or any body else of my family is in my life... Id rather be alone. I know Id be much happier, I know id be healthier..
But I don't want to leave my family forever, at least not for now...

I would highly suggest individual counseling.

Are you still living at home? If you are, you need to move out.

Well as a person that has a lot of struggle and hardships with family members. I can tell you that no matter who is to blame. When you know that your always getting the sh-tty end of the stick. Fighting is happening all the time. You know that this family has a lot of hatred for you, whether the reason is a good one or not, which I do not believe any reason is a good one. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of that major negative situation. Cut ties with your mother. Now mind you when you cut ties with a family member it could have ripple effects in the family but you need to do what is right and good for you and if that means getting away from these people and cutting ties then do it.

Please stand up for yourself again. Make a decision that might be hurtful, because no matter how badly family members treats you, you still wonder why? It is still emotionally hard and takes time to move on, but you will.

Especially when you get out of that environment you will be able to create a new start, a new life for you that is better and more positive.

Joe

Thank you both for answering. It means a lot.
I actually thought about individual counseling, but I'll do that in the future when I get out of this part of my life, since my family considers it to be a shame.
And I understand that leaving my family may have "ripple effects" but Im willing to do that, but not now. First Im going to get my masters degree and then a good job and then Ill be able to be on my own.
Thank you very much..
I wish you both the best..

Thank you both for answering. It means a lot.
I actually thought about individual counseling, but I'll do that in the future when i get out of this part of my life, since my family considers it to be a shame. Who cares how much shame it bring your family. They are using you and it will eventually kill any chances you might have of a happy life. get the professional help you need NOW!
And i understand that leaving my family may have "ripple effects" but Im willing to do that, but not now. First Im going to get my masters degree and then a good job and then Ill be able to be on my own.Ripple effect/ Not leaving will leave more and longer lasting effects on your life. Get out and if possible get your siblings out as fast as possible. Abuse is no excuse and you don't want it to carry over for another generation do you?
Thank you very much..
I wish you both the best..

Get on with your life and get away from your screwy problem plagued family

I guess I know what I have to do...
Thanks 450donn for your reply...

The hardest thing in your young life will be to break this cycle of abuse. Getting out now and getting the professional help you need to help break that cycle are vitally important to your well being. If there is any way you can get your siblings out and into counseling too that would be best. That might not be possible right now, first and foremost you need to protect yourself from further abuse.

Don't wait to finish your masters degree. Move out now. You will be amazed at the peace of mind you begin to feel right away. You'll have more energy for your work at school.

Do you have a job?

If it is possible, move out now.

You say you hate all of these behaviours and the relationships you have.

Well you are old enough to change your situation so do that!

If you insist on staying in her house well there is little that you can do.

She is abusive but as long as you are in her house you have to deal with that.

I moved out when I was 18, my mother and I now have a great relationship but I don't think I could ever live with her again.

By getting out of her house it will force you to be more social too. Living with other people will bring you on leaps and bounds, you have no idea.

It's time to go. Get yourself some counseling and start doing things just for you. Counseling, socialising etc.

Best of Luck.

I'm really happy for all your posts... I used to think it was something I did to mother that made her go crazy and hate me, but know I just realized that she takes out everything on her kids because she isn't happy with her life (meaning my dad)... Ive tried so hard to make her happy, but somehow it would backfire.. so for now I'm going to try to make things better for me, my sister doesn't need help since she has a good relationship with my mom, but when it gets worse I'm definitely going to help her.
Don't worry, I'm going to leave soon, since I have applied to do my masters in a different country.. And I'm really looking forward to that... and when I'm done I'm going to find my own home..
It just really sucks when you can't have a good relationship with someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally...
Thanks you all.. the encouragement you give is great..

Good luck to you and God bless.

Just want you to know that you are a good person and God loves you. Please remember that you are the child. No parent should treat their child the way your mom has treated you. No matter what it is that has got her so down that she would treat you this way, it is not your fault. You have been dealing with her abusing you for so long that you started to fight back. I can tell you don't like yourself after pulling her hair. This is what she has taught you. But you don't have to keep on this way. Ask God for help. He loves you so much. He wants you to turn to him. So many times we put our expectation in people only to get dissapointed. There is a book that I would like to suggest for you to read. It is called ANY MINUTE, it is written by Joyce Meyer and Deborah Bedford. I really think it will help. Read the whole thing. Good luck to you.

You sound like a very kind person. It's a pity your mother can't see that. I have the same relationship with my mom. I love her but I also hate her. It goes both ways. My mother is similar because she too is abusive and doesn't take any blame for any problema we have. I believe that almost any problem in a relationship goes both ways and somehow most parents don't seem to understand that. It is always the kids fault. So I understand completely how you feel. I know about the sort of mask you put on. The happy but not yourself mask. I put that on everyday. Maybe you feel the same but because I've been put down so much, I'm afraid of showing my true color. Of being who I really am. The abuse thing is completely wrong. Your mother should not be hurting you. And I think you have a right to stand up for yourself. If you don't who will? You are old enough to get away from the situation so I suggest you do. Its not a situation you want to stay in. it lowers your self-esteem and that maybe why you have trouble socializing a lot. Or maybe its just a personality thing. I don't know. As for your mother, its her loss. What would you be losing from cutting off your relationship from her. Hope for the best. :)

I might be the bird singing out of tune, but I do not ever think that a mon can hate her child. You are saying your mom has never done anything for you and that you have done everything by yourself. Did you change your diapers, woke up at night for the 3:00 am feeding, potty train yourself... come on. You mon has problems and usually people who have problems take them up on those who love them most, you happen to be that person for your mom... She is more to pity than to scorn and you must be a good kid,. so she had done something good in bringing you up. Do not leave home until you are ready- for your masters- and then automatically your life will take its own course with a new city and a new job, You do not need to shatter the relationship, you have worked so hard to preserve.. Then with the separation, the distance and the maturity that these will bring you both, I am sure things will be better.
Best wishes to a better relationship with your mom.

Unspeaken, my dear, you are who I was at your age. You are in an abusive relationship with your mother and I don't think you realize this. People don't understand this. They think such relationships only happen between married people, and then they give you cheesey advice like,"So move out!" When you are regularly worn down by an abusive, co-dependant person, you can get up in the morning, think about the mountains you don't have the strength to climb and eventually become self-abusive. So here I am at 47 years of age, have been a cutter since 25, Ive been on every anti-depressant known to mankind, have read every how-to-be-happy book in the library, incapable of relating to 99% of the human race... knowing full well that the only way I will find peace in this world is to move as far away from this person (and all the family members she has succeeded in turning against me) as possible. Answer me this, though: how will I convince a prospective employer at an interview that Im a worthwhile person if I can't even convince myself?

I have the same relationship with my mother. Down to the favoring of my siblings and physical fights. Even to the point where three years ago when I was 12 she cracked my rib for calling her boyfriend a pediphile(sp?)
I'm only 15 now and if I can do it you can do it. Just three more years. That's not so bad.
I've told my mom I hate her and it seems to keep her off my back a while.
I know how you feel.
My mom told me it was a waste of her time and gas money to get another blood test for my lupus.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, email me at [email protected] or add me on myspace. My user name is Shurie.Smile and the email I use is [email protected]

Hope things get better for you.

Not to sound harsh but Why would you say this? " I understand that im not so much of a good daughter, and i understand that i am also to blame for the relationship, but i just want to know why she hates me so much"... You are making an excuse for your mother's behavior. Never forget that as a child all we want is love,safety and acceptance. I am a 37 year old daughter of an abusive mother. I have come to realize that my mother has never been happy and I believe incapable of it, she feels unworthy. Remember the saying Misery loves company. I am mouthy, strong, and a fighter but am also capable of such large amounts of Love,compassion and empathy that it makes me vulnerable to my mom's unhappiness ( I feel guilty) still to this day. This also makes me a perfect target for her, but in the same note causes us to have some pretty nasty fights. She talks about me to my siblings and family and tries to validate her abuse towards me. Normally done by omitting the things that she has said and done. Which makes them think I am horrible and a bad unappreciative daughter. I have 2 children of my own (now 14 and 16) and she gets really ticked (actually furious with name calling and cussing towards me) if I stop her from being mean to them. I always tell her I am the Mom and she is not. I also try and stop the abuse to my neices and nephews which causes my siblings to get angry as they think this is okay.I will be very truthfull and admit that I am still caught up in the cycle of wanting to please her and make her happy. This is the child in me trying to be loved. I am getting better at filling that need for myself. You are on your way to being your own person and taking control of who you are now and who you want to be is not going to be easy. The abusive parent (person) will get very angry, hurtful and try everything to keep you around because what they do to you makes them feel better. In an essence they are bullies. Also know that your mom may never take responsibility for what she has done. Don't you dare ever lose (Sp.) faith in yourself and never forget that you are worth it, no matter what anyone ever says, ever. Doing this for yourself does not make you selfish. I wish you all the Love and happiness that the world has to offer. Laurie