It's been 2 months since my 6 year relationship with my girlfriend from high school ended. I don't have much of a desire to contact her, and it's been going well up until now.

I recently met a girl at a club a few days ago and she seems really nice- a college senior who is just a year younger than me, and she's into many of the same things I like.

Problem is, talking to this girl makes me miss my ex. I keep thinking, this girl is good, but she's nothing like my old girlfriend. These thoughts keep invading my head and its getting me down. Every time I talk to this new girl I wish it were my girlfriend I was talking to.

My ex, in the mean time, just finished summer school where she met this new guy, and I've heard from mutual friends that she's been driving 2 hours or so each way back to the town where the school was at to see this guy, who she started dating only 2 weeks after she dumped me.

It just really hurts. Here I am, with a new girl, but still lonely and more depressed than ever, and my ex is seemingly happy and enjoying a new relationship with a guy she met so quickly after she dumped me...

I don't know what to think, or how to feel. Should I stop talking to this new girl?

Yes, you need a period of genuine grieving and during that time you need to be "off the market". Loss is not brushed aside that easily. Welcome to the human race.

Should you stop talking to this new woman ( my opinion)... she is not the one... for now... you are not completely over this other woman... it does not matter what your old ex-girlffreind is doing... if you are wanting us to tell you that your old ex-girlfriend is a slut... that is not going to happen... she is not married to you... she is getting on with her life... life is an adventure to this other woman and she is taking it for all that it is worth...
OK,. keep giving yourself an excuse in staying weak for this woman... stop before you become a stalker... this is going to hurt... yeah!. should you go on and live the life that the creator has planned for you... Yeah!. are you depressed because you want too... yeah!. pitiful never crossed my mind and will never exit my mouth... so do not think it... misery loves company... yeah!. misery is not the place you need to be with your young self... oh yeah!. get up and say next... keep going until you find someone that rings your bells... you will find that person and would know that she is the right one... when you cannot remember what type of woman you were looking for her... come on... jump back into the pool... oh,. clubbing and finding that perfect mate is not going to happen... Let's try serching for the right woman... in other places... other less crowded places... and less smelly.. OK...

The danger of a rebound relationship is very real here. If that's the case then you should be honest and upfront with this new girl about your feelings, out of fairness to her. As a college senior I'm sure she understands rebound relationships. On the other hand, you also have to accept the fact that this other relationship is over, once and for all. It's time to move on with your life. A little bit of sadness and depression is normal but don't let it consume you. There's going to have to be someone else eventually unless you intend to remain a confirmed bachelor for the rest of your life. Whoever that may be, she's not going to magically make all of your problems and disappointments disappear. With that said, if this new girl is as nice as she sounds, you don't necessarily have to break off all contact with her completely. Take the time to get to know her, just take it real slow and easy. You may find that she's the one for you or you may find that she isn't. Either way, don't expect all memories of your recently ended 6-year relationship to just go out the window overnight but don't dwell on them for the rest of your life either. Most important of all, don't place the burden for them on this new girl or anyone else that you date in the future.

Dude, your ex is just a few steps farther along than you. Girls break-up BEFORE the day they ACTUALLY break-up. They're much more rational about BREAK-UPS than guys. That is why many times, guys return, and in most cases, women don't.

Your ex had boken-up with you in her HEAD, BEFORE she actually broke-up with you. WOMEN ALWAYS DO THAT. WOMEN ARE NOT RASH, THEY ARE RATIONAL ABOUT BREAK-UPS. They might make the wrong decision, but they have CONVINCED THEMSELVES IT'S RIGHT. THAT IS HUGE. In terms of break-ups, guys are far more stupid.

This maybe wrong, but this is what I feel. Guys MAKE relationships happen, we court, we send flowers, we do the full court press, when we REALLY LIKE a girl. Women ALLOW relationships to happen, they allow the courtship, they accept the flowers, the like the full court press.

That's why WildCat is right. 90% of the time, women call it off. They no longer ALLOW the relationship to happen.

And she already thought about dating the guys she's with now, BEOFRE she was done with you. You haven't gone through that process. Nothing wrong with that. You didn't see it coming, and weren't prepared.

You should stop talking to this new girl if it really makes you feel MORE depressed. I know exactly how you feel. I'm dating a new girl, 1.5 months after a terrible break-up with someone I hoped to marry. KEEP IT LIGHT. I see the new girl maybe once a week, or once every two weeks. I talk to her on the phone every 3-4 days. You don't need more depression. But having female friends during this time is good. You should have some female FRIENDS. I think that helps.

Heyy

My ex boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago. I tried to date to kind of see what else was out there at about 2 months after the breakup- it was awful! The same kind of feelings that you are experiencing I did too. I compared every guy to him and no one measured up. Even guys with full potential to be a great boyfriend for me just weren't good enough because they were not my ex. I decided a couple of weeks ago to be single for a while. To try to not date and to improve and work on myself. I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years but it was very serious and we had considered engagement so I really thought he was the one. Anyhow, its too soon to date anyone seriously a couple months is too soon. You need time to grieve your last relationship, work out what went wrong and to spend time on YOU. I know it's a hard thing to do for some people, but it really is something that will be worth it in the end. Time will help to heal the wound, and in the future after caring for yourself you will not settle for less than you deserve. That's what I am doing from now on. I would love to be with someone again, but since my ex all the guys I dated I would compare to him which is not fair to them or to me. In time it will get better and then you will be able to date again. Im 4 months into my breakup and I'm still not ready so don't worry if it takes a while- I have heard people take a year or even 2 years to work on themselves and to be single. Its also really hard when your ex seems to have moved on so soon after. The whole thing is that you really cannot compare yourself to your ex. She is dealing with it in her own way or maybe she really is over it, but you can't think about that it will only bring you down. You are two different people and although you were in the same relationship people deal with things differently as you know. Also if she is the one who did the initial breakup then she had time to decide the fate of the relationship and more time to grieve and move on then you did. Same with me and my relationship- my ex ended it so it was his choice so it does make it harder being the one dumped. Anyhow, just spend time on you because I found that the more I dated and the more guys liked me that I didn't have interest in it only hurt me more. I just kept hurting others and taking them into my breakup and its not fair to do that. When you heal you will be a much stronger person. Goodluck with everything and message me if you would like to talk about anything!

You have gotten some excellent advice here. You need to make a decision now. Are you over your ex? Not by any stretch so jumping into a relationship is not fair to your new friend. Back off some and go slow and don't lead this person on, you can be friends but until you heal you can only hurt someone else by moving to fast or letting them get to deep.

Yeah... I still think you need time to yourself.

Don't lead this gal on. I've led gals on and it hurts on both sides even then - don't do it.

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels... only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item...

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

Val is right in the above post. Had to spread it though Val!
That is exactly what will happen with your ex who is driving 2 hours to be with some other guy.
It is a rebound and she is finding comfort in him. Won't WORK!
Either will yours with this new girl.
Please take some time off.
Im 5 months into a break up with my girlfriend of 7 years. Same deal as you.
There is NO WAY IN THIS WORLD that I could get into another relationship right now.
I have had dates and each girl (I don't mean to sound conceited) has fallen for me. They want me. I know they do. They tell me they do. But I have to be honest with them and tell them I'm not ready for anything serious. And you know what? That makes them WANT ME MORE.

People want what they can't have! Where have I heard that before??

But anyway, back to you. Just take some time off. Maybe go on a vacation, do something else other then girls for a while.

You need to cleanse that part of your system!

You need to cleanse that part of your system!!
I love that Skell. Its so true.

You need to do what all people who are grieving do... they slow down, they hurt, they get pensive and think about life and themselves, they talk to people, their friends, their ministers, they take walks, they read books on grief, they review the lessons they have learned, they miss someone, they make awkward company with their friends, they spread themselves around because they feel awkward, they talk about it until they are sick of it and then talk some more, they try to distract themselves and HOPEFULLY it doesn't work, they hurt some more, they flit from activity to activity with a short attention span, they resort to cleaning out closets because they really don't know what to do with themselves, etc, etc, etc. And it all eases up over time as you make your way through the grief process. I promise it does.

If, in that process, you find you really cannot stand the pain, then get some professional help asap.

Otherwise, you can totally derail that process with a rebound relationship, drinking or any potentially addictive activity, buy a corvette you can't afford, learn nothing and be right back here posting about the next failed relationship sooner or later.

Your choice. I am so sorry for your loss.

Funny how you guys are telling me to take it slow... here's a conversation I had with her last night. She totally threw me off... all systems were go until this... what do you all make of it?

Her: how were those bigg *** weights
Me: lol
Me: I had a good workout
Me: what are you up to tonight
Her: TV, packing.. I go ot nj tomrrow
Her: very liil packing act. Just packing the car
Me: today was your last day at work?
Her: nope- no work today- tomrrow though
Me: I wish I had a day off
Her: lol
Me: heh, last week I worked 60 hours
Her: oh malordy
Her: an lordy
Her: that's like
Her: like
Her: so long
Her: ps I neverrr say like that often lol
Me: yeah I barely survived
Me: I'm almost looking forward to my dentist appointment tomorrow
Me: because I get to leave work at 2
Her: lol
Me: hey so I got a question for you
Her: OK
Me: what is the jersey shore like?
Me: is it a fun place to go? And is it really as dirty as people say it is? Lol
Her: brb
Her: I wundlt know I have never been in the shore ocean
Me: no way
Me: ever since I saw that true life show on MTV about the shore I've been curious
Me: seems like a crazy place to visit
Her: I have no idea
Her: I'm spoiled by the caribean
Me: hmmm... another place on my list to visit
Me: you like traveling?
Her: its ok- I hate the travel part- but the visit is good
Me: haha I must agree
Me: I wish I could be beamed to places and not go through all the hassel
Me: you ever been to europe
Her: yes
Her: last summer u
Me: my parents took me to france and england for high school graduation
Me: I hated france
Her: niceeee
Her: I like a guy who can get out of town for a bit
Me: I'm not a townie, no worries
Me: if I had the money, I'd go to greece
Me: and maybe japan, because I love sushi
Me:and then italy... lol
Her: OK take me with u
Her: lol
Me: maybe I should work 80 hour weeks
Me: haha
Me: save up more money
Her: lol
Her: yeah because thius girl can shopp lol
Me: where do you shop at
Her: express here
Her: u
Me: I haven't really bought new stuff in a while, but I like the stuff at urban outfitters
Her: ooh yeah- nice room décor
Me: and I like polo shirts, le tigre and lacoste
Me: jeans from abercrombie
Me: yeah when I get my apartment I'm getting all my stuff from urban
Her: oooo polo shirts- preppy- nice
Her: I love lacoste
Me: I just need some more long sleeved stuff for the winter
Me: so what are you going to do at home for 1 night
Her: meet with a girlfriend of mine from college for dinner tomrrow I hope. Thursday I unpack and re pack, my dads birthday party and hopefully buying him a gift
Me: cool
Me: what are you going to get him?
Her: he wants some sort of compass
Her: I don't know if he just wants a cpmpass or some high tech thing
Me: maybe an iPod?
Me: (nano)
Me: or a beitling watch
Her: lol no... a compass
Me:: oh it must be compass?
Me:hmm
Her: yes that is what he wants
Her: I just need him to get more specfici
Me: no idea where to get a really good one... you're on your own with this one... lol
Her: lol ge thanks lol
Me:haha
Me: a couple of years back, I made these "coupons" for my dad
Her: yeah bin there dun that
Me: entitled him to 1 free car wash, 2 lawnmowing sessions, etc
Me: well I'm sure whatever compass you get him he'll be happy
Her: I hope
Her: considering I harldy c him- a car wash doesn't really makes sense
Her: but a pre purchased one does hmmmm
Her: interesting thoguhts
Me: yeah I'm telling you, maybe you could come up with something better than a compass
Me: but still, if that's what he wants...
Me:is your dad into fishing and hiking and all that
Her: nope
Her: he works at the house or flys somewhere for work
Her: he is all about house work and making a living
Me: wow what does he do for work
Her: financial advisor- he's great at it too
Me: metlife offered me a position in that
Her: anddd
Me: I turned it down
Her: y
Me: being entry level it would take forever to build a client base
Her: isn't that typical though
Me: advisors work exclusively off commissions
Me: typical for financial advisors?
Me: or for entry level jobs in general?
Her: entry
Me: no, not typical for entry... I know this kid who got offered 80K to work at bloomberg in nyc
Me: entry level financial advisors would only make 35K
Her: wow how did he get offered 80
Me: no freakin idea... 80K is unheard of fresh out of college
Me: 1 in a million
Me: most graduates make 30-50K starting
Me: depending on school, major, gpa, etc
Her: what was the job he got offered
Me: financial analyst
Me: I was offered that position too at mass mutual in springfield
Me: but I had to turn it down because it was too far of a commute
Her: when was this
Me: a few weeks before I graduated
Her: wow that's great- u couldn't have had an apt?
Me:my goal is to find something in boston, so until then, I'm stuck in marlborough
Her: ic
Me: nah, there's nothing out in springfield
Me: I can't stand farm country
Her: yeah I bet
Her: hehe I agree
Her: I love living in boston
Me:i need the city, and to be near people
Me:: if I could live in New York, I'd be even happier
Me: but boston is good too ahha
Her: oh I know wnyc is da bomb
Me: the first time I went to times square I went into sensory overload
Me: it was a crazy sight
Her: o I bet
Me: I love how you can walk out at 4am and get food
Me: that's the thing about boston- everything closes at 2am
Her: oh I know- clubs close at 2am!!
Me: yeah haha if tequila didn't close we could have danced more
Me: I was just about to get good and bust out some ill moves
Me: j/k I suck at dancing
Her: u donttttt suck
Her: I have seen worse- this is why scarlett stopped you and corected it
Me: I'll need you to teach me some new tricks next time
Her: not a problem
Her: but be easy on the girl- we hardley know each other... lol
Me: one step at a time
Me: lol
Her: yup
Her: no I think we are duin the friend thing just fine
Her: or at least very much aqantiances
Me: yeah well we did just meet only a few days ago... lol
Her: yeah hehe
Her: but this is a first for me
Her: tlakin gto the boy after
Me: yeah same here
Her: fav drink
Me: what's my fave drink?
Her: yeah
Me: beer- corona
Her: how about mix drinks or fancy ones
Me: hard stuff- either grey goose or jack and coke
Me: ha you'll laugh but I don't mind sangrias
Her: oh nice
Her: man my girlfriend gave ma show of black rum by gre goose- ewwwww
Her: but them martinis are good and margartias
Me:: I agree
Me: what about you?
Her: what flavor
Me: I meant what are your fave mixed drinks
Her: o I had no clue- um my flavors are cosmo and apple..
Her: I don't lve chocolate
Me: oh
Me: hey I got to run
Me: good luck finding a compass and have fun moving in
Her: kk thanks... ttyl

So, your ex is driving 2 hours back and forth to visit this guy she met 2 weeks after your breakup. You have been thinking and yourself over this cause it must mean that he is really something for her to be willing to do this, that she must really feel something special and different for him. Maybe she does. Maybe she feels that this is also a great rebound opportunity for her. Maybe she thinks that jumping into another relationship and investing so much time and effort will occupy her thoughts so much, she won't have time to feel the loss or the pain of your relationship. Maybe she's grateful that this guy came along right now to superficially fill that void and enable her to get by. Maybe she knows that having this guy 2 hours away is just enough distance for her to do her thing, keep away, and bring him in only when she needs him.

It's normal to feel down because you have heard your ex has moved on, but don't jump to conclusions, you don't really know what state of mind she is in either. Take time for yourself. Have fun, lighthearted fun. This new gal sounds like she has a lot of potential, but the timing is bad. Explain to this new gal that this may not be the right time for her to have come into your life. I know she's going to feel dumped, and you don't want to burn any bridges, but she needs to know where you are right now. Time does heal all wounds, but only if you are willing to spend that time wisely, and not harboring on feelings of what you had and what you lost.

Val, I see your point, but that is why I deleted her screen name and mine to protect our privacy. I posted it because I need some help analyzing it, especially where she says the whole "be easy on the girl" part.

Val, I see your point, but that is why I deleted her screen name and mine to protect our privacy. I posted it because I need some help analyzing it, especially where she says the whole "be easy on the girl" part.
You haven't protected privacy, you've protected identity - there is a difference. All I can say is if some guy I just met did that with me, I would be suggesting he analyze this: "we're done". Its writing on the wall for me, that if my words were ever to be scrutinizes to this level, it ain't never going to work. Even with names removed to protect her indentity, I don't think you have permission and that's all my point is about, okay?

Val... your one post from yesterday was awesome.

Val...your one post from yesterday was awesome.
Oh you mean the "Grand Central Baggage" one, okay, thanks! :)

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels.....only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item.....

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

Couldn't have put it any better myself. Had to spread it Val. When the heck did I last rate you anyhow?


Funny how you guys are telling me to take it slow...here's a convo I had with her last night. She totally threw me off...all systems were go until this...what do you all make of it?

Well, regarding the conversation (which I did not include in the quote for sake of brevity), what exactly is your question? It just seems like a perfectly fine, ordinary conversation to me. But Val had a point when she repped you regarding the privacy thing ; you may want to be careful about plastering all of her words where the whole world can see them ; not really necessary or appropriate.

Couldn't have put it any better myself. Had to spread it Val. When the heck did I last rate you anyhow?

Thanks and you just did... about the woman who needs to secretly plan a refuge just in case... silly! :p

I love that Skell. Its so true.

You need to do what all people who are grieving do....they slow down, they hurt, they get pensive and think about life and themselves, they talk to people, their friends, their ministers, they take walks, they read books on grief, they review the lessons they have learned, they miss someone, they make awkward company with their friends, they spread themselves around because they feel awkward, they talk about it until they are sick of it and then talk some more, they try to distract themselves and HOPEFULLY it doesn't work, they hurt some more, they flit from activity to activity with a short attention span, they resort to cleaning out closets cos they really don't know what to do with themselves, etc, etc, etc. And it all eases up over time as you make your way through the grief process. I promise it does.

If, in that process, you find you really cannot stand the pain, then get some professional help asap.

Otherwise, you can totally derail that process with a rebound relationship, drinking or any potentially addictive activity, buy a corvette you can't afford, learn nothing and be right back here posting about the next failed relationship sooner or later.

Your choice. I am so sorry for your loss.

WOW, WOW AND MORE WOW..

That actually made me alugh reading that Val,

It was so true. I have done everyone of them activities / tasks / processes that you wrote here.

That was awesome.

So pretty much I'm normal? That's what your saying here?

Good to know. Im not a complete nutter! LOL!

Great post once again Val.

Pat,

What the hell man?

You post an entire conversation here that is too long to even consider reading it all and want people to analyze it for you.

Im all for getting help here but I think therein lies your problem man.

You are analysing a simple conversation like this...

Whoa, you are thinking way too much and showing some major insecurities here mate.

What do expect to gain from scrutinizing and analysing this conversation so heavily?

Something is wrong here IMO...

Yes, LET HER THINK. That's her JOB. You being the guy, DON'T THINK unless she does something crazy. SHE HASN'T. Let HER THINK, YOU MAKE HER LAUGH.

Val, great Grand Central Station comment, and GREAT post about what happens when we are grieving!

Ok, so you met a girl... that's all that happened!! You are not ready to date seriously... you can date just to date and help you to move on... meaning meet new people, gain some great friends, other single people, have fun, feel connected, have some attention, BUT NOT TO WORRY ABOUT!. BUT YOUR JOB IS TO TAKE CARE OF YOU! You are not able to be in a serious relationship.

Again, all that has happened is you met a girl... but not a new girlfriend that you are trying to catch like you are fishing! Please do not analyze, worry, or try to understand everything. Who cares what she meant... you know what you are wanting and not wanting, regardless of her comments! Focus on your needs...

And yes, talking to others might make you miss your ex... very normal... so you may date to meet others and NOT YOUR EX... I would suggest changing your expectations and perception of your reality! If you can't do that, or you can't just go out and have fun without worrying about your future wife, and trying to get her to be the twin of your ex, then you don't need to be dating right now!

I hope you can relax and grieve, like Val said... GRIEVe!! Otherwise you will be some of that baggage at Grand Central Station! Haha You want to start your new one without raw baggage, you want your baggage zipped and locked!

Good luck!

The story continues...

For those of you who don't know, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me and about a month later I met this girl through a friend and started seeing her. I jumped into it fast and we started going out every weekend to fancy dinners, a trip to NYC, etc. It was a whirlwind to say the least. She gave me several hints towards becoming official so I asked her despite reservations... we were official for a week before she told me she didn't want a title and we had a long talk and decided to go slow.

Since that conversation, I have not initiated any conversations with her. When she IMs me or calls me, I let it go to my away message or voicemail. I've responded probably 1 out of every 3 contact attempts from her.

During our phone conversation, she criticized me for not having a life outside of working 40-60 hours a week and going to the gym, even though I spend EVERY weekend with my friends, and have spent the past 7 weekends with her. I have as much of a life as I have time to have.

I talked to my best friend of 8 years (who I met her though) and I think to myself " does she do? She goes to school, does homework, messes around with me on the weekends and that's about it!"



Two days ago she asks my buddy questions about me. "Does Pat do anything else but work and workout?" "Why does he like committed relationships?" My buddy told her to **** off and leave him out of it... that's my boy.

So tonight, my buddy calls me up and says that this girl told him that she doesn't want to see me anymore because she "doesn't have time". Quoted word for word he says.

Lo and behold when I sign online tonight I IM her and she's all quiet. I ask her what's up and she said she did ty on her exams and that she's worrying a lot about stuff. I say "oh that's too bad, talk to you later!"

She says she'll call me tomorrow.

This weekend is halloween, and I'm going to this houseparty with my boy and I know for a fact that this girl will be there because they all hang out in a big circle of friends. This should be interesting.

I'm thinking about just ignoring her if she tries to contact me over the next few days and make her tell me all this face to face on Saturday night.

Seriously... the "I don't have time" excuse is the lamest excuse ever. This girl is a nut job, and as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with her. I realized that she was a rebound and I def lowered my standards on this one.

I'm sort of considering just keeping her around as hook up material, but I don't know... that's not really me.
__________________

Okay, Pat, I think you answered your question. Read your post again and see if you can find the answer.

If she does not have the time for you, why did you IM her? It sounds like you initiated the IM.

YES, ignore her if she contacts you. A hard catch that is won is a catch that is worth keeping. One that just reels in easily is a total throw back. (can you tell I really do fish? )

You can find someone better.

Look at it this way... If you were to get together and stay together, is this the way you would want to spend every day of your life for the rest of your life? I hope you say no.

If she says she doesn't have the time, find someone who does want your time.

Drop her like a hot potato

I IMed her because I hadn't talked to her in a week and a half. This was the only time I was online so I shot her an IM and asked her how her exams went. I also wanted to see if she'd tell me all that crap she was asking my friend, but she didn't.

You got to leave her alone. If she says she doesn't have the time, then don't bother her.

Erase her from you IM list. Period. This sounds very clingy and needy. I hate to hurt your feelings, but she does not seem interested.

From her IM back to you it is quite apparent that she is trying to let you down gently. Forget her. She is not worth your time.

I'm still going to go chill with my friends though. I don't care if she's there.

I know she's going to bring all of this up at some point. I prodded her a bit tonight and she didn't come out and say it. She says she'll call or IM me tomorrow but I'm def ignoring her from now on. It's done.

I deleted her from my phone and buddy list. Now I just got to get through whatever drama awaits this weekend and move on.

I think you have the right idea.

It was too soon. She was a rebound, you went too fast. She went too fast.

It isn't meant to work.

You need time for yourself after 6 years in a relationship. I won't say that again. I don't thhink I can stress that enough.

What you did by rushing into somehting with her is why this happened.

She might be a nut job. But she also may have seen many things in you that are true.

You may come accorss that you are after commmitted relationships desperately. You may come across that you have no life (im not saying you don't, but maybe that is how you come accross).

I like your thinking though. Ignore her. You don't need or want her now. Don't answer her calls. Don't call her.

Just hang with your buddies for a while and learn about yourself.

I still think after the 6 year relationship ending that you probably have issues within yourself that need dealing with properly.

she might be a nut job. but she also may have seen many things in you that are true.

you may come accorss that you are after commmitted relationships desperately. You may come accross that you have no life (im not saying you dont, but maybe that is how you come accross)..

Quoted for truth. I did come across that way, and she even asked my buddy why I was so into commitment... lol!

The facts are clear... I'm not ready, and I rushed into it, and she rushed into it too... remember now, she pursued me by initiating convos, etc.

Well, now that all of this is over, should I at least be friends with her or "friendly"? Or is this a person I can no longer have any contact with ever again? It'll be hard just to never talk to her again because I'll be seeing her when I chill with my buddy... it's pretty much impossible to avoid her forever.

Pat?
Seven threads authored by you and 200+ posts later loaded with lots of good advice from many peole and workable idea and you are still making the same mistake outlined here:

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels... only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item...

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

Do you really have a genuine interest in a way to break out that pattern or is this just a means of attention? Please know that I am asking that sincerely and with all due respect because it doesn't sound like much helping is really going on here... and I am as concerned about that as I am you.

Pat?
Seven threads authored by you and 200+ posts later loaded with lots of good advice and workable idea and you are still making the same mistake I outlined here:

Girl breaks up with guy...
Guy goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise he isn't thinking straight, meets new girl, perks up on all that attention, feels some relief, totally rushes things...
Guy and new girl become item and fall head over heels.....only it eventually goes sour...
Guy breaks up with girl...
Girl goes crazy, feels hurt, doesn't recognise she isn't thinking straight, throws herself at just about the first guy that comes along, he buys into it completely...
Girl and new guy become an item.....

Meanwhile enough baggage accumulates for Grand Central Station and keeps us very busy in the Relationship forum. :rolleyes:

Do you really have a sincere interest in a way to break out that pattern? I am asking that sincerely and with all due respect.

Yes I do.

At first I was kind of in denial, but now I know it was a rebound. It's just hard to let it go but I know I must, and face all of this stuff alone.

It's messed up, but lately, being with this girl has made me think of my ex more than ever. It's like my ex has sort of appeared in this girl... messed up I know.

Maybe I should just tell her this weekend that I was using her as a rebound and end it? Or should I just wait for her to do it? I think if I wait, she'll do it because she knows what's going on already.

Forgive me but you still are in denial. Its not about the girl, its about you. You need to focus on you and leave the girl out of it. Reread this last post of yours and notice where your attention is. Count the number of statements with just you in it and then the ones with her in it.

2 : 5 says you still don't get who it is about! (Doesn't make you a BAD person either, okay? Just in error, that's all.)

I know its hard and well, even a little scary to focus on you and admit there is where the problem is. But it is what stands squarely in the way of you getting any help at all. So help or no help-- the choice is yours and I honor it either way.

How do I focus on myself? I don't even know how to do that or what that means.

I graduated from a very good business school, landed my first job, and now I'm looking for a higher paying job in the city.

I am also looking at apartments in the city.

I am saving up for a new(er) car... right now I drive an Audi 90S and I'm looking to buy a used 2002 Mercedez-Benz 430 coupe.

I workout religiously and have a good body and I am in great physical shape.

I'm not sure what else I can focus on... I seem to have everything down.

The only issue I have is that I have a bad relationship with my parents and we constantly fight. I was also abused as a child. These are huge issues that I doubt will ever be resolved. It's just too complicated to deal with and involves way too many factors.

But on a surface level, most people are envious of my career path and goals and what I've done so far with my life.

How do I focus on myself? I don't even know how to do that or what that means.
Is that a real question or just rhetorical?


I'm not sure what else I can focus on...I seem to have everything down.
Yes you have a great deal going for you but your "not sure" part is a key to this and I can help there, if you want it. I am just not sure you want it by how you answer here..


The only issue I have is that I have a bad relationship with my parents and we constantly fight. I was also abused as a child. These are huge issues that I doubt will ever be resolved. It's just too complicated to deal with and involves way too many factors.
I believe your relationship problems are tied in with some of that. If this is your way of saying you don't want help with any of it, I can respect that. And I would like to reassure you this: all that you list as unfixable here is only that because you say so. Otherwise, it is fixable -- many many people, including myself, have overcome and fixed that and more. Please bear that in mind when you consider your answer here.

I am left still wondering... help or no thanks?

Pat my man - I think you're doing fine. You're learning experiences on how to dea lwith women. It shuld be fun!

I do thnk you should leave this partucular person alone. No IMing. Make her come to you if it's going to be.

"I'm thinking about just ignoring her if she tries to contact me over the next few days and make her tell me all this face to face on Saturday night" - that's a good plan. Make her come to you.

Don't get to drunk at the party so you can meet more women.

Help, if you don't mind and if you have the time and energy to post.

I must add that since my break up, I started seeing a counselor once a week, and that doesn't even help. It's like talking to a wall that gives occasional "yes" and "uh huh" responses.

To be totally honest and vulnerable, all I want is somebody who will spend time with me and love me for who I am and love me as much as I am willing to give. I want someone who will be my friend, who I can trust and depend on. I don't have that kind of love in my life, and that's why I sucked the life out of my ex because I needed more than she could give. My relationship with my parents is a business relationship... they provide for me, and I try to stay out of their way. They are immigrants, so they have old world perspectives when it comes to dicipline. I've talked to them about how they've hurt me but they say it was for my own good. I've resented them since I was in grade school.

Wow... now that's a lot of background info ain't it?

But yeah, if you can help, I'm ready to listen.

First relax, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. Just remember that the things you listed about what you want, WE ALL WANT THAT TOO! Sometimes in our zeal to have that love in our life we move too fast, give power to the wrong person. It happens when we are insecure and so needy. Take the time to investigate more and be a lot more patient when we meet some one. Stop expecting them to be the one after a few months of dating, stop wearing your heart on your sleeve for al to have access to. Instead of going with one female, dating around more may give you experience in patients and what makes women tick. Do you think it telling that every female you date you end up in the same situation? Your trying to replace what you had. Until you move fom that spot then all you'll get is dissapointment. I think you need a few female FRIENDS, and not GIRLfriends.

Help, if you don't mind and if you have the time and energy to post.

I must add that since my break up, I started seeing a counselor once a week, and that doesn't even help. It's like talking to a wall that gives occasional "yes" and "uh huh" responses.

To be totally honest and vulnerable, all I want is somebody who will spend time with me and love me for who I am and love me as much as I am willing to give. I want someone who will be my friend, who I can trust and depend on. I don't have that kind of love in my life, and that's why I sucked the life out of my ex because I needed more than she could give. My relationship with my parents is a business relationship...they provide for me, and I try to stay out of their way. They are immigrants, so they have old world perspectives when it comes to dicipline. I've talked to them about how they've hurt me but they say it was for my own good. I've resented them since I was in grade school.

Wow...now that's alot of background info ain't it?

But yeah, if you can help, I'm ready to listen.
I believe you want help and you've made a good start sharing some of your "inner" life, yes. And more vulnerable information gets more solution, I think. There are rules here to anyone abusing you with it too, okay?

The counselor -- how long have you been seeing them and what topics did you ask them to cover?

I like the distance you have put in your parents relationship. Its self caring, self protecting while still,hopefully, respectful of them too. That is an important skill to have, Pat. Lets go find some more of those skills, okay?

Thirdly, that overbearing need you have (called intimacy and I don't just mean sexual either, okay? LOL) is normal and just being terribly mismanaged (by a guy who probably has skills up the ying yang he isn't using on this problem too -- we'll see!). It needs to be spread out among multiple sources so please make a list for me of other sources you currently have and don't have. Its okay to list it here, nothing confidential about it. Please don't pm me privately with it or anything; it works here so much better to help you and others too.

I don't have any female friends. None.

I didn't even know how to talk to girls until this one. Well, besides my ex.

I feel that all the girls my age are older than me. I feel intimidated and young. It's weird.

Maybe this girl can be my first female friend? She is nice... it'd be a pity to just let it go to waste.

I believe you want help and you've made a good start sharing some of your "inner" life, yes. And more vulnerable information gets more solution, I think. There are rules here to anyone abusing you with it too, okay?

The counselor -- how long have you been seeing them and what topics did you ask them to cover?

I like the distance you have put in your parents relationship. Its self caring, self protecting while still,hopefully, respectful of them too. That is an important skill to have, Pat. Lets go find some more of those skills, okay?

Thirdly, that overbearing need you have (called intimacy and I don't just mean sexual either, okay? LOL) is normal and just being terribly mismanaged (by a guy who probably has skills up the ying yang he isn't using on this problem too -- we'll see!). It needs to be spread out among multiple sources so please make a list for me of other sources you currently have and don't have. Its okay to list it here, nothing confidential about it.

I've been seeing the counselor (a woman by the way) since June. Once a week, for an hour. I originally sought her because I have anger management issues (stemming from resent from my parents, abuse, etc) but also the break up. For some reason, the break up calmed me down and I'm no longer angry anymore. I realized that anger only comes from pain, and now, I've turned into some girly man... lol... I let my true feelings of sadness show. I guess being a is better than punching walls.

Yeah, I do have an overbearing need for intimacy. I just want to be loved I guess. I never felt that growing up.

I don't understand what you mean by listing other sources of skills. Can you be more specific? Like, list my good traits? Personality wise?

I've been seeing the counselor (a woman by the way) since June. Once a week, for an hour. I originally saught her because I have anger management issues (stemming from resent from my parents, abuse, etc) but also the break up. For some reason, the break up calmed me down and I'm no longer angry anymore. I realized that anger only comes from pain, and now, I've turned into some girly man...lol...I let my true feelings of sadness show. I guess being a is better than punching walls.

Yeah, I do have an overbearing need for intimacy. I just want to be loved I guess. I never felt that growing up.

I don't understand what you mean by listing other sources of skills. Can you be more specific? Like, list my good traits? Personality wise?
Counsleor: I am glad you are seeing the counselor and its fitting it's a woman too. Better had it been a man (more on that later maybe). Please take up at your next session your concern that you don't seem to be getting anywhere. That is valid. If it should turn to your switching to another counselor, don't panic and don't hesitate to take her recoommendations if she makes any, particularly if it's a man, okay? This is not unusual in the business. You need a good fit and I am wondering, if you have one at this point.

Lists: You need reliable sources for experiencing intimacy. People, places and things that touch you deeply, that validate you (nevermind all that success stuff too, okay, its clearly not touching you deeply enough) Make two lists. One list outlining where you currently are getting that sort of intimacy from, if at all. Another list where you think people usually get it from that you currently aren't. No cheating and asking others here either LOL :p

Pat, you seem pretty sure that something is going to happen soon, that she's going to dump you. Why are you waiting for that shoe to fall? Since you have already figured out that she's not the one for you and she feels the same, why not beat her to the punch. Why not call her up and tell her "look, its been sweet, but we both know this isn't working out for either of us and I think it's time we went our separate ways..." Don't be rude or mean, but short and sweet. This way, when you go to the party, you'll have a good time, not waiting for her to walk up to you and say... "we have to talk...".

You do have a life Pat, don't let her tell you that you don't. You have a good job and you're saving money to buy a new car. You're actively looking for an apartment, you work out, you hang with your friends... you're living life, but life is constantly changing and we have to keep up. You want a new job that pays more, what can you do to prepare yourself for that? Is there anything you can study, take a class?? You work out and are in great shape, can you spare some time volunteering at the Y to help young boys get involved in a sport?? Life is a challenge and its our job to meet it and then some. It's good you do things for yourself, spend some time looking to see if you can do something for someone else.

Pat, you seem pretty sure that something is going to happen soon, that she's gonna dump you. Why are you waiting for that shoe to fall? Since you have already figured out that she's not the one for you and she feels the same, why not beat her to the punch. Why not call her up and tell her "look, its been sweet, but we both know this isn't working out for either of us and I think it's time we went our separate ways..." Don't be rude or mean, but short and sweet. This way, when you go to the party, you'll have a good time, not waiting for her to walk up to you and say..."we have to talk...".

You do have a life Pat, don't let her tell you that you don't. You have a good job and you're saving money to buy a new car. You're actively looking for an apartment, you work out, you hang with your friends...you're living life, but life is constantly changing and we have to keep up. You want a new job that pays more, what can you do to prepare yourself for that? Is there anything you can study, take a class??? You work out and are in great shape, can you spare some time volunteering at the Y to help young boys get involved in a sport??? Life is a challenge and its our job to meet it and then some. It's good you do things for yourself, spend some time looking to see if you can do something for someone else.

A pre-emptive breakup... lol. We're not even a couple... haha. Interesting idea, but I don't really have the time or effort to think up what to say, and frankly I don't care.

What it boils down to is that she knows she's being used as a rebound and she wants out. That's fair. I was in denial at first, but after seeing her and dreaming about my ex every night I realized too that she was a rebound. Who was I kidding? Would we have worked otherwise? No... she has too many character flaws and other flaws that I normally wouldn't look twice at. I just took whatever came my way.

If she wants to end it, I'll let her do it. And when she gives me her whole prepared speech, I'll say "Sure...sounds good."

A pre-emptive breakup...lol. We're not even a couple...haha. Interesting idea, but I don't really have the time or effort to think up what to say, and frankly I don't care.

What it boils down to is that she knows she's being used as a rebound and she wants out. That's fair. I was in denial at first, but after seeing her and dreaming about my ex every night I realized too that she was a rebound. Who was I kidding? Would we have worked otherwise? No...she has too many character flaws and other flaws that I normally wouldn't look twice at. I just took whatever came my way.

If she wants to end it, I'll let her do it. And when she gives me her whole prepared speech, I'll say "Sure...sounds good."
Man, I got to tell you Pat, that comes off as pretty cold, if not down right disrespectful of women. Do you not have some inkling of remorse using her like that or is it dog eat dog in the relationship arena for you? Look at how cavalier you sound in this post... not good! She might not have been up to your standards (rebounds seldom are) but sheeeeesh, you USED her. How do you do that and still maintain you are a decent guy? Here is the bottom line, never mind any lists... you use your hurt to be a rationalization to allow you to use, and hurt, others. No one in their right mind is going to want to risk getting close to someone like that. Most of us know better and the rest, well they are behaving like you are or worse. Time to really look at yourself, dude. I think that is what you need to change and trust me, it is changeable unless you are a sociopath.

My attitude towards the situation is part of my problem

My attitude towards the situation is part of my problem
Yeah, to say the least. I think it goes far deeper than that. I would also consider losing the id too, unless you admire sociopaths (I just now put the connection together -- from American Psycho, if I am not mistaken). Ugh.

Haha, it's just one of my fave movies, that's all. I like weird thinking movies like that.

Haha, it's just one of my fave movies, that's all. I like wierd thinking movies like that.
That said, you resemble him more than you might care to acknowledge perhaps. Enough to call off all bets from me. Sorry.

What does that mean? No help from you?

It's just a movie... besides, I don't need to be accused of resembling some cinematic character right now. That's just... silly.

Pat - I'm not really buying the whole she's really a rebound and I'm done using her bit. Based on what I've read from all of your posts, you did invest in this gal. I wonder if you would still be going to her house every weekend if she hadn't of spoken up?? Doesn't really matter. You can take what I suggested as a pre-emptive break up, but that wasn't the purpose. The purpose was to get you back on track so you can go on with your life. I know life hasn't stopped for you, and it shouldn't, but you have to admit there was a slight blip, right?

You say you don't care but you know that you do or you wouldn't be here. You say you don't have the time or want to put any effort into thinking of what to say, I think that's baloney too, you're not expected to make a speech. But, in any case, handle it any way you think is best.

Using her wasn't my intention, but at the end of the day, that was what I was doing wasn't it?

See, all of this isn't about understanding the girl or the situation, but rather myself, I have realized. Why do I do these things?

I did invest in this girl. I guess I saw traits in her that I saw in my ex... traits that I look for in a girl. So I guess I saw something I liked, saw something that made me feel comfortable, and went for it.

But still, the fact that I jumped into it made this a rebound, which = me using her.

What does that mean? No help from you?

It's just a movie...besides, I don't need to be accused of resembling some cinematic character right now. That's just...silly.
You accuse yourself using the name LOL. Yes, that is what I mean. You ought to be more careful throwing crap around, playing head games, and demonstrating all the sincerity of Eddie Haskell. You wonder how you lose people? This is how.

I am not the least bit angry with you, should you think it's that. I am just not seeing any point in working with you. I honestly wish you well.

Yeah - this getting a little jaded now. More info coming out.

So help me out guys...

I will answer any question with complete truth so you can get the picture.

I don't have any female friends. None.

I didn't even know how to talk to girls until this one. Well, besides my ex.

I feel that all the girls my age are older than me. I feel intimidated and young. It's wierd.

Maybe this girl can be my first female friend? She is nice...it'd be a pity to just let it go to waste.

I thought as much from reading All your post that you have no clue what a female is about and that one long term relationship did very little to prepare you for dealing with females in general. I suggest you stop looking for a relationship with anyone right now and just be friends, (this may mean NO SEX) Your are way too uptight to be ready for a healthy relationship and I hope you will take the time to make friends with a lot of females. That rebound stuff you're talking about is so much hogwash and is an excuse for you to hide behind. Don't believe you!

So you're saying it wasn't a rebound and it's just that I don't know how to deal with women?

I'm saying you have a whole lot to learn about women and it could be a lot of fun with the right attitude. I really think that your problem stems from you searching for something to make you happy. Not going to find it and that rebound stuff allows you to shift responsibility from you to your IN-experience. So self serving and useless. A guy who has no female FRIENDS sends out red flags to me all over the place. Sorry It is beyond my comprehension. How do you expect a relationship if you can't be friends?

I can only add one more time to this whole thing what I have suggested in every single response I have made to your threads.

Give up on the women and sort yourself out.

Pretty clear Pat. You want me to say it again. I can't spell it out any clearer but you always seem to refuse this piece of advice. I will offer it one last time.

No women, no relationships. Nothing. Sort you out. You need to!

How do I sort myself out? I don't know where to start...

There is nothing wrong with me career wise... I have a good education and I have goals. I am very motivated in that sense.

So, what the heck to I do?

I'm saying you have a whole lot to learn about women and it could be a lot of fun with the right attitude. I really think that your problem stems from you searching for something to make you happy. Not going to find it and that rebound stuff allows you to shift responsibility from you to your IN-experience. So self serving and useless. A guy who has no female FRIENDS sends out red flags to me all over the place. Sorry It is beyond my comprehension. How do you expect a relationship if you can't be friends??

Friends rarely (if ever) turn into relationships. I'm sure you've heard of the friend zone, and how girls basically use the nice guys to get emotional support while they date/have sex with your typical "bad guy". The friend-zone is like death... no chances whatsoever.

That's part of the reason why I don't make friends with girls. I just date them. The other part is the fact that my ex gave me guilt trips when I attempted to befriend a girl.

IF you read back over this thread and the many others you yourself have identified a number of issues aboiut yourself that you don't like.

You could start by addressng these either yourself, or if that proves too difficult then by counselling.

That can be a good start.

It can help to just talk to someone about things you are un happy about, things you don't like about yourself, things you do like about yourself.

But I think you have already identified a number of flaws in yourself that you know require some attention!

Friends rarely (if ever) turn into relationships. I'm sure you've heard of the friend zone, and how girls basically use the nice guys to get emotional support while they date/have sex with your typical "bad guy". The friend-zone is like death... no chances whatsoever.

Did I say anything about relationships? The way to learn about females is to be friends with them, remember I said no sex? Aw don't look so gloomy, this will be rewarding and fun and you need to learn how to talk and listen to them, and to be a real friend and I'm sure you'll find you have made a true friend for life.

That's part of the reason why I don't make friends with girls. I just date them. The other part is the fact that my ex gave me guilt trips when I attempted to befriend a girl.
Time to get over the ex and everything she put you through. The good news is female friends will go out occasionally talk on the phone give advice and emotional support cook a meal, sometimes and did I say great listeners. NO sex, oh well what's perfect, seriously you need the transition bad, because that's what healthy relationships are built on friendship, that mature people let grow into something more. Hell if all you want is your rocks off then hire a professional and be done with it but if a healthy honest relationship is what you seek you have to put the time and patience and sacrifice it
Takes to get it right. 2 months of dating doesn't cut it, that's fun time for sure and when you get too serious, too soon... You know about that already.

Can I start by telling this girl that I'd like her to be my friend? She's the only girl in my life right now.

Can I start by telling this girl that I'd like her to be my friend? She's the only girl in my life right now.

According to you, you don't even like her. In reality you don't even know her do you?

According to you, you don't even like her. In reality you don't even know her do you?

I don't like her in the sense that there is no relationship potential there. We are simply too different. Sure on the surface level we get along, but I can already forsee serious problems, which is why it's almost a good thing that this died prematurely.

I know her on the surface level. I know she is very academically driven, appreciates her friends, loves the outdoors, likes traveling and loves cooking. She's perky and upbeat. She thinks she knows everyone and likes to analyze people. She's had a rough past with an abortion and an abusive drug addict boyfriend.

That's all I know for now.

I think there is a great potential for a friendship though. I think I can offer her a lot od insight and so can she with me. We both come from completely different worlds and backgrounds.

I don't like her in the sense that there is no relationship potential there.
You have a ways to go dude, go slow. Your call.

.
You have a ways to go dude, go slow. Your call.

What do you mean? Can you explain?

Let me make this clear: I do not want a romantic relationship with her. Just a friendship, if that's at all possible.

Your call. Enough talk
Enough questions.
Time to see if you've been paying attention
Good luck!
Post back when you've got your feet wet.

Just wanted to update everyone here.

This weekend I went to a party with my best friend and this girl was there. She pretty much ignored me for most of the party but started talking to me as soon as she noticed I was getting drunk... (which now, when I think of it was quite strange). For a good 2 hours she just had her back towards me, and would randomly walk off with people she normally would never talk to... so I just played it cool, drank with friends and before I knew it, my hand was in hers and she took me outside to talk.

I wish I hadn't talked to her in my drunken state, because I was a bit more emotional than I wanted to be, but still, I didn't say anything bad.

First off, I apologized to her for rushing things. I told her that I was trying to force something to grow that wasn't ready to grow. I told her that we may be the right thing, but we met at 100% the wrong time, and that I'm in now way ready for anything like this.

She said she agrees and thought this from day 1. Who knows why she decided to date me anyway, but whatever that's besides the point.

I told her that I could use a friend, and that 4 friends are better than 3. I also told her that I've never been friends with a girl before, and that this would be a good start.

I slept at my friend's place and the next morning (today) I woke up and I went out for breakfast with her, just to kind of make sure what I said was actually what I said, because some parts were kind of blurry.

She asked me "do you know who you are?" I told her I didn't. She said something like I've lived all my life in restriction, and now that I'm free I don't know what to do with myself. She told me to stop treading water and start swimming in some direction.

I've never encountered anyone who could read me so well. It's strange.

OK so your friends... I'm yet to be convinced.

However, she can't solve your issues for you pat with her wise words that read you so well.

It is up to you now. I really think from this point on you need to concnetrate on you. Once and for all.

Do you think you will be able to be her friend? Really?

I know you didn't have much or long with this girl, but how will you feel when in a couple of weeks she introduces to this new great guy she has been dating. Will you be OK with that?

I just think you need to worry about you at the moment. She can't help you. Only you can!

Considering the fact that I've never been friends with a girl, all of this is new territory for me. It's also new territory in the fact that I've hooked up with her, and we weren't in a relationship, and she still has feelings for me. I think all she wants is a friends with benefits thing but I guess only time can tell.

Yeah, I'm putting my energies into my own self now and whatever happens with this girl just happens. I'm not going to make it something I think about. I'm going to think about how I'm going to find myself.

ok so your freinds..... im yet to be convinced.

however, she can't solve your issues for you pat with her wise words that read you so well.

It is up to you now. I really think from this point on you need to concnetrate on you. Once and for all.

Do you think you will be able to be her friend?? really??

I know you didnt have much or long with this girl, but how will you feel when in a couple of weeks she introduces to this new great guy she has been dating. Will you be ok with that?

I just think you need to worry about you at the moment. She can't help you. Only you can!

By the way man, was it you that kept mentioning the fact that you too went through what I am right now? If so, how did you "find yourself"?

I went through what you went through as far as coming out of a 7 year relationship. You were in a 6 year one.

I felt your pain there. That is a long time and it is taking me a fairly long time to grieve and recover.

But I'm getting better.

I still haven't completely found myself, but I'm well on my way I feel.

I did it by spending time with people I love. Family and friends. I cried, I greived, I thought about all the things wrong with me, all the things right with me. But I also got on with life.

I made mistakes, ill continue to make them.

I threw myself into my work, I trained hard, I did things I wanted to do. I travelled to the World Cup in Germany (a life long ambition). Basically I just tried to look afrer myself. I wasn't always really good at this.

I still thought about her a lot. Heck, I still do. But I don't let it control my life.

But you seem over your 6 year one? Are you really? I always found it hard to believe with you Pat that you could actually just wipe off a 6 year relationship after 2 months and not have any emotion involved with it anymore..

You always seemed to me as though you were rushing back into another relationship to not have to deal with the last one. Is this right.

I just think you need to take some time to yourself. Don't think about women for a while. Concentrate wholly on yourself. Do what YOU want to do.

I also went to a therapist 3 times. Just to share some thoughts on myself and get another opinion. It was helpful enough.

And another great tool I have found help me is coming here to AMHD. Listening to others problems. Trying to offer support and advice based on my limited expereince in this world.

Reading every post in every thread and trying to get something out of it and applying it to myself. It has been a great source of strength and therapy for me has this site.

Your thread in particular has reinforced the fact to me how unhealthy it would be for me to go rushing back into another relationship now when I'm not comepltey comfortable with my past and where I am!

So that is how I am doing it. It seems to be working.

Hope you find something that helps you!

So now you have a female friend This should be interesting. Go get another the more the merrier. FRIEND, not GIRLFRIEND...

So now you have a female friend This should be interesting. Go get another the more the merrier. FRIEND, not GIRLFRIEND.......

Yes that is actually one of my new goals. To make as many female friends as possible. Just pure friends.

But I have a ? On the subject though: Is there anything I can't do with female friends that I can do with guys? I mean stuff like conversation topics, perhaps even immature crap like farting and stuff... lol. Me and the boys just kind of let whatever happens happens. Just wondering if there are boundaries with girl friends.

Your confusing me pat.

Just be yourself and stop forcing things so much. Oyu aren't going to force females to like you. Friendship just happens.

Who cares aboutthis crap. Just worry about yourself.

You seem so confused and messed up with everything.

You think too much but no answers just find out about the other sex and get comfortable.

you seem so confused and messed up with everything.

Can you blame me though? Yes, I'm a mess. I've never been so messed up in my entire life. Seriously, I'm confused about everything right now. I'm sure you felt the same when your break up happened..

Dude - I advise you not get into a friend with benefits thing - I think it would really hurt you as she would date other guys. It'sjus treally unhealthy.

If you think being friends with her is a good idea - I'd do it - I THINK YOU WILL LEARN A LOT if you're friends.

Dude - I advise you not get into a friend with benefits thing - I think it would really hurt you as she would date other guys. It'sjus treally unhealthy.

If you think being friends with her is a good idea - I'd do it - I THINK YOU WILL LEARN A LOT if you're friends.

Gotcha on this one. I promise you (and of course myself) that I will listen to your advice on this one. I chose to put good advice aside when I first started posting here (which makes me think why I even posted to begin with if I was just going to ignore good advice!) but this time, I am going to listen. I think if I did the friends with benefits thing, I'd soon find myself exploring a whole new realm of confusion and hurt. So yeah, I'm listening.

BTW, this question is for Skell, so man if you're around: Did going to Germany help you deal with your situation? It's been a while since I read your threads and I searched for your username today and read your first thread and then the one where you metioned going to see football in Germany. Did you really go by yourself?

Reading your first thread made reminded myself of my own situation so much. Except you lasted 1 year longer than I did. I'm 23 with 6 years, you were 24 with 7...

Well if your confused about everything and such a mess ill suggest one more time and then that's it.

NO girls for a couple of months. No girls that are friends. Why do you need them. You have your buddies. Let them come naturally. Don't force it.

Leave this girl alone. It will ony mess with you further.

Just completely forget about any sort of relationship with a female, friends included, until you feel comfortable and not so messed up..

That is my advice and the last time ill offer it Pat in regards to what I think you need to be doing now...

Good luck!



BTW, this question is for Skell, so man if you're around: Did going to Germany help you deal with your situation? It's been a while since I read your threads and I searched for your username today and read your first thread and then the one where you metioned going to see football in Germany. Did you really go by yourself?

Reading your first thread made reminded myself of my own situation so much. Except you lasted 1 year longer than I did. I'm 23 with 6 years, you were 24 with 7...

Yes, we are very similar Pat. I relaied it from the first time I read your post.

That is why I have been so consitent with my advice. Because I know what is working for me.

And in my opinion what you are doing is unhealthy...

No contact with ex, no new gf's. Just you man. YOU! Can't stress it enough. Hang with your mates. Family if you have it close.

You are just so strung up with women and getting it right around them that you are bound to fail. Your too up tight.

But please just give yourself some time to get over the ex. 6 years is a long time and if you got over it in 2 months then I wonder what you actually had with her. Couldn't have been much..

YEs I did go to Germany alone. All the way from downunder here. I met a couple of mates that live in the UK in Germany. Spent some time with them but all the travelling was pretty much don't alone.

It was great. I had a ball and met heaps of people.

It didn't all of a sudden heal me and I was completely over my ex. No way. In fact I went to a lot of places in Germany that me and my ex had been to together when we travelled Europe. So there were a lot of painful memories and few quiet tears shed. But I couldn't hide form it. I have to face those challenges everyday.

But I think you have to do it alone Pat. Relaise that you can get over it alone. Not have to have a girl in your life to get over it!

How about going back and reading your threads (all of them). Every post. It hink you'll find more than enough advice to make a decision that is best for you!

Just as an update guys, I haven't spoken to this girl since our talk on Sunday despite her leaving me messages on my Facebook saying how you doing, etc. I intend on taking the next few weekends and just be by myself- not going to visit anyone. Just going to buy some books and read.

Keeping her around as "hook-up material" is fine if your comfortable with that. Keep in mind that that's how a lot of relationships start. That's about all this one has potential to be. Don't even worry about her "excuses" or anything else.

Yeah, well I'm not really thinking about what potential my friendship with her has now. I really don't care anymore. I've realized that this is about me, and my "need" to have someone around. It's a deep rooted problem, and it's time it gets addressed. I am spending the next several weekends alone, perhaps taking walks, taking care of my car which needs to be cleaned and fixed up, and perhaps reading up on some books on finance (to make me more competitive in the job market), as well as books on bodybuilding, and self-help perhaps. It's been a long time since I've taken care of myself.

Maybe I'll give this girl a call sometime next week, but whatever. Maybe just keep it alive, I don't know. Whateva whateva.. lol.

For those of you who don't know my story, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me about 4 months ago. The reason for our break-up was because I wasn't treating her as well as I should have, which made her realize that she was young and didn't deserve to be tied down to a relationship that required so much work. We were 16 when we met. Her decision was for her own good, and I know that.

I've tried to contact her many times initially, but later gave up and followed the no contact rule. I even found myself in a rebound relationship which quickly died out. I still miss my ex though, and her birthday is in 4 days. I want to call her...

Advice?

Did she answer your phone calls when you called her initially?

Has she tried to contact since you have been following the no contact rule?

I don't think it would be bad to say happy birthday depending on your intentions. You need to keep it very short don't mention anything about feelings or relationships.

Keep it to Happy Birthday maybe call on her birthday in the afternoon. You can ask how things are going but nothing else. Do not ruin her birthday and make her think of anything else except getting a year older. Don't even say you will call her again or she can call you keep it short, just to show you care. Let her call you next. Do not call her again next.

No... don't call or write to wish her a "Happy Birthday". Let things be as they are!

Maintain the no contact rule. By calling or e-mailing or sending a card you are breaking that rule and back to square one.

No contact means no contact, none, nada, nothing.

I thought the no contact rule is 2 to 3 months

In a short term relationship this may be the rule. But in this case, read his previous posts, this is long term, 6 years.

So, in my opinion 2 - 3 months is a drop in the bucket, and the healing process is just beginning.

Maintain the no contact rule. By calling or e-mailing or sending a card you are breaking that rule and back to square one.

no contact means no contact, none, nada, nothing.

I agree, No contact means no contact..

I am sure your intentions are genuine and you just feel an obligation to wish her a happy birthday, and you probably don't have any ulterior motives.

No contact however means just this, nothing whatsoever.. Not so that you can play along with the idea of her coming back but simply for yourself healing and to prevent you from losing the progress you have made.

What's so special about her birthday, that it should come before you and what you need to do?

No contact, at all no cards, letters, e-mails, or smoke signals.

Whats so special about her birthday, that it should come before you and what you need to do?

No contact, at all no cards, letters, e-mails, or smoke signals.

Nothing is special about it, nor is it more important than me.

I'm just hitting another rough patch, seeing as it's her birthday on Monday, and then what would have been our anniversary the first week of December. The winter months suck.

Did she answer your phone calls when you called her initially?

Has she tried to contact since you have been following the no contact rule?

I don't think it would be bad to say happy birthday depending on your intentions. You need to keep it very short don't mention anything about feelings or relationships.

Keep it to Happy Birthday maybe call on her birthday in the afternoon. You can ask how things are going but nothing else. Do not ruin her birthday and make her think of anything else except getting a year older. Don't even say you will call her again or she can call you keep it short, just to show you care. Let her call you next. Do not call her again next.

No, she NEVER responds to any of my e-mails, texts, or calls. I stopped trying 2 months ago. At first, I wrote her 3 long-winded e-mails begging for forgiveness, second chances, etc. She did write me back once, however, and perhaps she would have written me back again, had she not found out about the rebound girl I had. But she's probably even more angry at me now and this girl can hold a grudge forever.

Would it break your heart, if she hasn't given you a second thought?

Would it break your heart, if she hasn't given you a second thought?

Yeah man, if course it would. I may be in denial, but I doubt she's that cold. When I was with her, she'd occasionally tell me stories of how she's been hurt or insulted (not by past boyfriends, but just in general) and she remembers everything and holds onto ill feelings like it was just yesterday.

In my mind, I keep thinking that if I show her I'm different and apologize enough, she'll crack and talk to me again.

But man, if she really has forgotten all about me, I give her credit. If it's that easy after 6 years, maybe I didn't mean anything to her in the first place.

I know where this is going and let me stop you here, if you want to drone on about your ex, at least give us the respect to do it privately. Now a better action would be to get out of self and help someone else. If I'm wrong then my apologies, but..!

I quietly bow out of this thread as it is reminiscent of something blue, if you all get my drift. Nothing we say is going to help, he is going to do what he wants no matter how hard we try.

I have been watching this thread and others by Pat and I see the same thing happening to those of us trying to help that happened with the "other" person. We are going to talk and advise until we are "blue" in the face and no matter how hard we try to help, he is still going to go with his own decisions.

I wish you luck Pat, you have had some terrific advice, now at least try to follow some of it.

No, she NEVER responds to any of my e-mails, texts, or calls. I stopped trying 2 months ago. At first, I wrote her 3 long-winded e-mails begging for forgiveness, second chances, etc. She did write me back once, however, and perhaps she would have written me back again, had she not found out about the rebound girl I had. But she's probably even more angry at me now and this girl can hold a grudge forever.

Then by all means, leave her alone, if not for yourself, then out of respect for her. Hearing from you will definitely not make her birthday happy, so just back off.

I quietly bow out of this thread as it is reminiscent of something blue, if you all get my drift. Nothing we say is going to help, he is going to do what he wants no matter how hard we try.

I have been watching this thread and others by Pat and I see the same thing happening to those of us trying to help that happened with the "other" person. We are going to talk and advise until we are "blue" in the face and no matter how hard we try to help, he is still going to go with his own decisions.

I wish you luck Pat, you have had some terrific advice, now at least try to follow some of it.

No, no, I'm taking all of your advice this time. I didn't listen with that rebound thing, and it blew up in my face. I'm not going to contact my ex (havn't done so in 2 months) so no worries there.

It's just hard to deal with it. Which brings me back to posting here... I've been gone for a while, but her birthday is bringing all the healing to a hault. Then there's what would have been our anniversary... just days from now.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and even though I've gained a ton of muscle in the gym, got new clothes, am in the process of looking for a new place to live in the city, been hanging out with friends... all of it has failed to stop this hurt. I miss my ex a lot, and I keep thinking that what we had/have is something different. I know, I know. We all think that. But still.

That's the point the hurt will never stop but when you are healthy you will know how to deal with it. I know about that pain, and I know exactly what you ae going through, that why I can't just walk away and label you a loser. So you have vented, and its time to get some positive action going. Instead of dwelling on her, and your feelings, get out of self and help someone else. This forum is full of people who need a good word, or good advice, or just a jump start to get off the pity pot. Pay attention to the ones here who have moved along , they are still here helping others, the way they have been helped.

PatBateman,

I agree with ordinaryguy. If you really do care about her, leave her to enjoy her birthday. Seeking her out on her birthday in order to show her how much you've changed... What if it doesn't work out? Do you really want to be responsible for her memories of that birthday being anything but nice and happy.

I agree with the other posters, too. I advise against seeking her out. But if you really must see her... If you really can't get through another day without seeing her... Then fix to see her any old day of the week. Just not on her birthday or your anniversary. Keep those days of special memories special - don't screw them up.

Yes there are ordinary times.

You haven't given yourself and time to heal.
I have told you that 10,000 times at least.

By rushing into that rebound you thought you were over your ex. You weren't and you lied to yourself.

So just because you haven't had contact with her for a couple of lousy months doesn't mean you should think you are better and won't hurt.

You are going to hurt. What do you expect? You spent 6 years with her.

Contacting her though won't help. It will make you hurt more.

Please Pat, just listen for once and don't contact her..

Call a friend. Go for a run. See your family.

You have to ride the roller coaster for a while.

I do hope you listen for once!

I agree with Skell's advice, so not much more to add to this. What I would say is that I am 3 months post breakup and although I feel better than I did a month ago, I am not in any way fully over it yet. As for jumping into new relationships after your break up, it does not surprise me they ended swiftly because firstly they were rebounds and secondly, you still had feelings for your ex when you entered a relationship (if you can call it that) with them.

I do understand how hard it must be for you, I am struggling also but the best advice I can give you is to NOT send her a birthday card. That does not mean you are a bad person or that you don't care but you need to remain out of contact to protect yourself. I bet you have come a long way since day 1 of breaking up with her.

So don't ruin the progress you have made, work on yourself, work hard, study hard, go running (that works well for me), or to the gym or perhaps take up an old hobby...

I'm sure you have heard this all before and are being successful with it but I think sometimes we forget and need reminding..

I know I do!!

P.S.I know I said I did not have much more to add but I could not stop myself...

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to call her or contact her in anyway. I just needed a little support to keep going. And yes, thanks to all of you I've made a lot of progress since the break-up!

Good to hear Pat.

Keep moving forward. Sometimes we need a little wake up call when our thinking gets a bit skewif.

Remember your other posts and the advice you got in them. Perhaps it is time to go and re-read all the responses there!

There was heaps of good advice and it might be good to be reminded about how now is a time to concentrate on you and you only.

I never really understood how the holidays could be so hard on some people until tonight. I've been doing well since my girlfriend of 6 years dumped me back in July, but man, I've been having all sorts of nasty dreams and depressed thoughts about her.

Is there something wrong with me? Why is it taking so long? I'm not even close to being over her yet, despite having a rebound relationship a few months back and going out with friends all the time. I even got the dream job I've always wanted with a phenomenal salary... all of this fails to make me happy.

Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better? These thoughts are just eating me up. For example, I keep thinking back to this Facebook message I read that she left for one of her friends that said she was going to visit some guy at his school. I keep picturing her having sex with him and it makes me want to throw up.

Damn, this sucks.

It could be the very fact that this will be the first Christmas in 6 years that you will not be spending with your ex which is causing you to think and feel this way. I am going through a similar process after my ex of 3 years left me nearly 4 months ago and this will be the first Christmas in 3 years I will not be spending with my ex.

It is hard and I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You were with her for 6 years and spent a big chapter of your life with her. There will be ups and downs and if you truly loved her, then these feelings may always be there somewhere albeit not as much and the frequency of these thoughts and feelings over time will gradually become much less frequent until one day, it will probably be just a brief passing thought or feeling.

It is certainly not healthy to be thinking of someone else having sex with your ex but I don't for one second believe that this means there is anything wrong with you. I suspect that this too is part of the process you are going through too. Try not to think so much about the time issue. Just ride this Christmas through to the new year as best you can and surround yourself with friends and/or family and try your best not to think of her too much. I know its hard (believe me, I know) but the new year may help put thing into perspective..

Happy Christmas and New Year to you!

Geoff seems to have hot the nail on the head the holidays are always tuff spending them alone without your ex for the first time in a number of years ! The feelings and things that you have going on may be because you are still not totally over the break up ! I don't think that there is anything wrong with you... I guess deep down inside you may still be grieving about things and have issue's about the break up... You need to carry on keeping yourself busy with friends etc and enjoy being you and enjoy the life that your making for yourself.

First let me say, quit reading Facebook. Get rid of all things that are her. You can't fully move forward until you let it go which means losing everything related to her.

Also December for most people is a time when they stop and reflect back on the year that was. That's why a lot of feelings pop up in this month or around the holidays. Even if you had been feeling really good December is a month of reflection. January will get better for you because you'll start to see the entire year as a possibility of things to come. I'm not saying you won't think of the ex, but those memories will be from a different era. The era that was 2006.

Right on the money again Chuff.

Sorry, had to spread the rep. December is a time of reflection of the past year, January is full of anticipation of things to come.

You just need something to do besides having weird thoughts about your ex. Get busy fella.

The holidays are often very depressing for some people. Especially those who have experienced a major loss as that is the time they feel it most acutely. What you're experiencing is normal and common. Give yourself some positive self-talk and focus on all that's good in your life right now. Make a list of all the reasons you're better off without her. Keep on building your life like you've been doing.

It's been a while since I've posted here. My girlfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me last summer and I've struggled with it every day since. At first, it was unbearable, but time does heal you up a bit and now I'm able to go days without thinking about her but the pain is still there. Sometimes I'll dream about her and when I'm driving my mind will start to wander, etc.

Everyone has told me to go out and better myself and I have. I landed my dream job, bought a new BMW and am in top physical shape doing bodybuilding, etc. Everything in my life is great except I miss my ex so much.

I still keep in touch with her dad and he'll give me updates every now and then. The latest was that she's moved out into the boonies of Mass. and is struggling to make enough money to afford a car to get around. It's a far cry from the city girl she used to be with aspirations of med school. I don't know who she's living with, but I'm assuming it's with the guy she met 2 weeks after she dumped me.

I have an old Audi that I don't drive that I told her dad she could have for free if she needed a car. I just want the best for her and I'd like to help her in any way I can. I still love the girl, and I simply cannot deny this.

Since she broke up with me, I went out and hooked up with different girls, and I've been on dates with several others. Nobody can compare. I just don't have the motivation or drive to open myself up or even give these girls a chance. After a few dates I almost push them away purposely.

I keep thinking that life is short and if I want something I've got to get it. She initiated no contact with me and hasn't broken or budged since. It's almost a year now.

I don't know what to do. It seems like this just won't go away. It's as real as it was the day it happened.

I don't think the updates from her father are doing you any good. You don't need know those things. In a way it is a form of contact and it won't let you heal and forget her. She is always being pushed into the front of your mind when she should be gradually getting further and further back.

Im about a year on from a 7 year relationship and I will admit that I still have my moments but they are very rare, less painful and I seem to get over it a lot easier. But they are still there. As I'm sure they will always be. I lost someone that was ver very special to me. More special than anyone I've ever met. So I don't expect to just completely forget about it. But in turn I won't let it control my life.

Is today just a bad day and your venting or is it as bad as you say every day??

My gosh dude, why are you still talking to her father?? Its over leave them alone and get back to the healing. We all have the days when those feelings creep back into our minds. Deal with it.

It's funny you should post this Pat, because I was thinking the same thing about my ex. Yesterday, in fact, I was thinking that I hated him and I would never take him back even if he tried (since he broke up with me for another girl). Then cut to today, I come home from work and miss him so badly I can barely stand it and am tempted to contact him. I have been through such misery over him this past year that I worry that I am losing my mind (ok... not literally : ). But why can't I get over him? I am truly starting to wonder if I will ever be happy again.

Like you, I have been focusing on my job, my workouts, my family, my friends (though many have been going through their own tough times lately) and keeping myself busy with random things like movies, etc. Even through a girls trip to Vegas last summer, I found myself in my hotel room crying to my best girl friend over my ex, missing him so badly. I feel like I was good to him, I loved him, I treated him well, yet gave him space etc. What did I do to deserve getting my heart broken so easily by him? I know I am just venting and will probably be feeling better in a day or two, but this really has nearly done me in emotionally. No one on the outside would know how I'm feeling because I kind of laugh it off to my friends, but inside I feel that I will never meet anyone that will compare to him again.

Why do people want to fall in love so badly when it leads to this. It has for me twice. I am 31 years old, have been in love twice, treated them both well and have had both of them break my heart for other girls... the first one cheated repeatedly then the second left me for another girl. How can I ever trust a guy again? Thus I worry that I will never have what I want in life. Wow... what a rant. Lol! Sorry guys. This just really sucks.

Pat, I feel your pain. How long does it take to be happy again guys?

Hmm I am happy quite allot of the time but not when I am alone :( Laughter is the best medicine as well as your friends and keeping busy. Over time I guess it gets easier like deaths. Time heals.

I really think it comes down to the fact that you aren't giving you're a chance to get over her. You are holding on to her through her father. Those conversations need to end. It might be tough to but it will be the best thing for you.

Pat, I'm so sorry for your hurt but it is time to cut this noose off. 6 years is a loooong time to be with someone and I don't think you will ever really "get over it". But, she has obviously moved on, without even breaking to contact you! So, you must move on, yourself, Pat. As hard as it will be, you are putting yourself through this pain by staying "updated" about her.

Keep the memories, keep the love, but cut this noose loose and move on, Pat. Live your life. Open yourself up for love. Meet new people. You WILL be fine. I wish you strength and courage.

For those of you who don't know my story, my girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me about 4 months ago. The reason for our break-up was because I wasn't treating her as well as I should have, which made her realize that she was young and didn't deserve to be tied down to a relationship that required so much work. We were 16 when we met. Her decision was for her own good, and I know that.

I've tried to contact her many times intially, but later gave up and followed the no contact rule. I even found myself in a rebound relationship which quickly died out. I still miss my ex though, and her birthday is in 4 days. I want to call her...

Advice?


Man, I'm on your shoes, but the only difference is that, it was for 2 years, and the breakup was hard as hell and really bad. First I tried to contact her initially, but she didn't respond for 2 months or so. Than one day, she sent me a message. It was what I really wanted, only a contact, nothing more. All what we got now is a kind of "friendship" since 6 months, and it was what she wanted too. I respected that wish of her, although I know it will never be the same between us. But in the end, I didn't lost my lover and my friend too. Im not expecting anything more from her. At least we both have the communication open. Life is just unexpected. Who knows, maybe one day she may value your good side, or better, she may not found someone better than you, and with that time those bad feelings of her, will vanish, and flee away, and she will begin to miss the times you had together. Its not said that there is a limit time for the missing. I missed the good days, after 3 years or so. But it was too late. Without a contact, it will stay always like that. Strangers to each other. I would like to say, that I appreciate your wishes for your ex, and I would suggest. Go for it. I was in the same shoes, and I came here asking these people, for 2 months, and everyone said me, forget her, leave her, she is not good, you are not good, its not worth, etc. Im not saying they are wrong, but they just don't know the answers. The only answer stayes in your heart. In the end, what do you have to lose? You are already lost, and if one more try (this wish for her birthday), will make the things worse, so be it. But at least you won't have to ask yourself the whole life "why didnt i sent her that wish?". At least, you are showing careness, and you are telling her that, whatever happened, she still remains important for you. Keep it short, you don't want anything more, but to wish her the birthday! Otherwise, she may think you are manipulating her that she owns you the same wish on your birthday, and people usually think the worse side of a situation, after the breakup. And don't forget, you have been together for so long, and no one can give you the answer, except you.