:confused:Ive been with my fiancé now for 4 years we have lived together for two an a half years.Our wedding is all booked an paid for an is in 12 months.recently he has been under a lot of stress from work an has been facing losing his job,he told me he felt like he needed to sort his head out he came home the next day hysterical in tears an told me that he slept with some girl he chatted to at his friends.I love this man very much,he's begged for forgivness he's swore it was the biggest mistake of his life,an has asked me if I would go to counselling with him,as he feels that he must be going out of his mind.this all happened a week ago.im willing to go to counselling an I would like to be able to move on.He seems very regretful and says that he's disgusted in himself.iv read other blogs were people have said that after something like this sometimes if you are both working hard to move on that it is possible.how do I move on?would counseling be a good step to take? Would it be possible for me to in 12 months be able to marry him and have rebuilt trust.He says he's willing to do anyhting to try an make what he's done better. I can't tell my family what he's done because they would be sickened by him and would not understand us trying to work at things which would put more preasure on me.iv told his family what he's done an they are very supportive there angry with him,but believe that maybe we can work through things.I told my friend also who is meant to be one of our bridesmaids but she disagrees an says she'll never look at him the same.I can understand she's just looking out for me but at the end of the day its me who has to deal with this.so what shall I do next?? Please help.x

Wow, I am sorry to hear that. I actually have had something kind of similar happen, I was engaged to a muslim man (I am catholic) for 2 years and we were together for 3. To find out that he was cheating on me and she was pregnant, he denied it and then moved to Miami, I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later and they got married and had a son. I don't really think that I would be able to go back to someone who's cheated on me, because it can always happen again. It would constantly be in the back of my head, you are not going to be able to trust him and the jealously is going to start to kick in, that is going to ruin your marriage.

Don't stress be a reason for his cheating because what is going happen the next time when life has you down?

Yes, counselling is a good idea but in the end it would work if your willing to forgive him and make it work. I am glad that he was honest with you and told you the truth because some people wouldn't have.

So now the ball is your court and if you forgive him than don't use it against him when your mad at him because that wouldn't be right. And he has to understand that it might take you time to move past his cheating and from this day forward his actions might be question because he created this situation and now the trust is broken but it can be mended.

Sorry this happen to you and I understand the pain you feel but yes a relationship can survive once someone has cheated.

Don't stress be a reason for his cheating because what is going happen the next time when life has you down?

Yes, counselling is a good idea but in the end it would work if your willing to forgive him and make it work. I am glad that he was honest with you and told you the truth because some people wouldn't have.

So now the ball is your court and if you forgive him than don't use it against him when your mad at him because that wouldn't be right. And he has to understand that it might take you time to move past his cheating and from this day forward his actions might be question because he created this situation and now the trust is broken but it can be mended.

Sorry this happen to you and I understand the pain you feel but yes a relationship can survive once someone has cheated.

Thank you for replying to me,everything is a big mess right now but your response gives me some hope that we might be able to move on from this.

I really do need more advice or support

First, I am sorry about what you are going through.

Only time will tell if this is something you can forgive, but you will not forget about it.

We can't tell you to trust a man that we know one paragraph about and you know heart and soul.

Like Liz said, stress is not an acceptable excuse for cheating, but in fact nothing is. Some people do cheat once, feel the horrible guilt and never do it again. Some cheat and cheat and cheat, because they never respect themselves or their partners.

I do find it disheartening that although you acknowledge that you didn't want to cast your fiancé in a poor light with your family, you couldn't wait to burn him with his own. Go to counseling, you aren't going to be able to rebuild your relationship in one day, so you either try and it works or try and it doesn't work or don't bother to try.

Your opinion is the only one that matters.

If he told you and was really remorseful then you should think about giving him a second chance because most guys who cheat don't tell their women.IMO he was very brave to have told you.maybe look into giving him a second chance but then again,if he cheated once there is a likelihood that he'll do it again.if you think your heart can take it(because doubts will fly through your head every time he's not around you) then go for it but if he cheats again then he's out the door

That's the problem everyone in this situation faces isn't it(will they or won't they do it again)its the not knowing that's the hardest.I guess I know him better than anyone,an I feel I can cope with trying again,but does anyone have any advice for him as well as me on how to take steps to getting better.he wants us to go to counselling but is there anything else we can do.one of the biggest issues I feel like I'm facing is if we start trying to get back ontrack how will trying to have sex with him again effect me.what steps have other people taken to try an move on in this situation or one like it? Thanks for everyone's answers so far x

Wow, for once I am changing my stance on this topic. Usually I am cutthroat and say walk away but he generally seems apologetic and sorry for his actions. So I agree, go to counseling and see what the therapist says. Don't rush into any decisions right now, let the emotional dust settle and see how things go with counseling and then go from there.

Yea I think he is,he's emailed a few counsellors an is organising an appointment for us

Good because he needs to learn how to cope when he is feeling stress out or down in the dumps because regardless of he is feeling he still know right from wrong.

When I feel stress I talk it out with my partner or a friend. Or I release it by boxing, playing dart or pool, or anything that relaxing me.

You have to take it day by day because you can forget nor forgive what he did over night. It only affect your sex life if you let it but once the two of you start seeing a counselor they will help you overcome it and in time you will but right now the wound is still fresh. So pace yourself and he should be understanding to understand that you need time.

Well the counsellor is booked now he's got an appointment for this Friday an I've got one for next tues an then she wants to see us together.I just can't believe this is where we are now.last week evrything seemed great.its £40 pound a session to to what's that like $80 dollars.just our individual sessions are going to cost a bomb.financial strain isn't something I need on top of this.

Well hopefully in a couple of sessions, you will know where you stand.

There is a process that the both of you will have to go through to be able to forgive him. Only you will know whether that is possible or not. If he is forgiven, you will have to stop keeping a tally of all of the circumstances that were caused by his mistake.

Give yourself some time, this is a hard process. Your husband seems very committed to working this out with you and that is a huge first step, but you still hold the reigns.

I know there isn't any immediate relief, but couples do make it through this, if they are committed to putting it behind them and ensuring that it never happens again in the future.

Good luck to you and God bless.

I can't give much advice, but a similar thing happened to a friend of mine.

The girlfriend was away for several months, the boyfriend had this other girl chasing him, and he ended up sleeping with her. Then he got all remorseful about it and told his girlfriend about it, said he was sorry, etc. She dumped him (he never went back to that other girl) and then she took him back after a couple weeks. They are doing very well now (even without any counselling).

So I guess a happy ending IS possible, not all cheaters are "..always a cheater". Some people are truly sorry and never do it again and learn how to manage stress/temptation/loneliness better. Goodluck!

Thanks very much to u all especially justwantfair and kirriky,its good to hear of other peoples experiences were it didn't all just fall apart.im going to keep updating about this no matter what the outcome is because maybe it would offer other people in similar situations some advice and support.

He could have kept this to himself, and you wouldn't have been the wiser, and he wouldn't be in trouble, or humiliated before his own family. He made a mistake, owned up to it, and is facing the consequences of his actions.

He is also very serious about counseling, so he must value you, and this relationship, and I think you should give him a chance to make this up to you.

Maybe Talaniman is right but for me... it would be a better means to leave before the bitter end. Is he going to cheat every time there is some sort of life change or pressure? What about when you become pregnant? Follow your heart and do forgive him... for your sake not his.

This guy sure is unique. He screws up, and admits it. Then he takes actions to attempt to correct the issue. To me, I think trust is gone at this point and it's up to him to earn it back over time. To his credit he's attempting to do that.

You mentioned the cost of the therapy. That's his cost. This is his problem, and while it effects you, this is his problem to correct and as such pay for.

He could have kept this to himself, and you wouldn't have been the wiser, and he wouldn't be in trouble, or humiliated before his own family. He made a mistake, owned up to it, and is facing the consequences of his actions.

He is also very serious about counseling, so he must value you, and this relationship, and i think you should give him a chance to make this up to you.



I have done more matrimonial surveillances (which is what these are called, married or not) than I can count. My experience is that there are two classes of cheaters:

1 - made a mistake, owns up to it, sincerely apologizes and learns a lesson;

2 - enjoys the "rush," becomes a serial cheater.

Would I stay with someone who cheated? Yes, if he were in the former category BUT it would take me a long time to trust again and I would be afraid I would spend so much time protecting my heart for future hurt that it could adversely affect the relationship.

Only the people in the relationship know which category applies. I have seen either sex end a relationship because they simply cannot forgive the other person. I think you have to weigh the situation - am I better with him/her or without him/her?

I believe in second chances but I don't believe in being stupid. I also don't believe in throwing away a good relationship unless there is a good reason.

I have cheated on my girlfriend and have been without her for two months. It doesn't seem like she is coming back. I tried and I tried to tell her how sorry I was, and still am. I will never cheat again on anyone, ever. I am so hurt and so lost in my life without her. She knows how terribly sorry I am but she says she just can't trust me anymore. I know I'd never do it again, but do you know he'd never do it again? Make sure of that before you take him back or make sure you think he would do it again before you let him go forever, because if he's that special it's worth the struggle.

I have cheated on my girlfriend and have been without her for two months. It doesn't seem like she is coming back. I tried and I tried to tell her how sorry I was, and still am. I will never cheat again on anyone, ever. I am so hurt and so lost in my life without her. She knows how terribly sorry I am but she says she just can't trust me anymore. I know I'd never do it again, but do you know he'd never do it again? Make sure of that before you take him back or make sure you think he would do it again before you let him go forever, because if he's that special it's worth the struggle.



I have a question, don't mean to highjack the thread.

Why did you cheat if you love(d) her so much, if you are now hurt, lost, sorry.

Why?

It takes a very strong commitment and a healthy relationship to withstand cheating.

You have to really let it go and not just let your anger and mistrust smolder inside of you.

Years down the road when he is late coming home from work,will you truly be able to believe it was a traffic jam?

I hope because the wedding is all paid for does not have a bearing on your decision.It would be a poor reason to go forward.

You need to ask yourself how capable of absolute forgiveness you truly are.

I have a question, don't mean to highjack the thread.

Why did you cheat if you love(d) her so much, if you are now hurt, lost, sorry.

Why?

I believe it was because he was drunk, said he didn't know what he was doing. Girlfriend heard about it, asked him about it, he denied it and then she found out again and then he admitted to it.

Just thought I'd give you the cliff notes version:-)

I have cheated on my girlfriend and have been without her for two months. It doesn't seem like she is coming back. I tried and I tried to tell her how sorry I was, and still am. I will never cheat again on anyone, ever. I am so hurt and so lost in my life without her. She knows how terribly sorry I am but she says she just can't trust me anymore. I know I'd never do it again, but do you know he'd never do it again? Make sure of that before you take him back or make sure you think he would do it again before you let him go forever, because if he's that special it's worth the struggle.

Hi I'm not judging you in anyway an your comment was very useful to me, but do u no why you cheated on your girlfriend.its good to know that you can be truly remorseful and sorry. Thanks x

I believe it was because he was drunk, said he didn't know what he was doing. Girlfriend heard about it, asked him about it, he denied it and then she found out again and then he admitted to it.

Just thought I'd give you the cliff notes version:-)



The one time I don't look up the other threads -

Thanks.

I always wonder about the why/what background.

The one time I don't look up the other threads -

Thanks.

I always wonder about the why/what background.

She doesn't have another thread all the information is in her oringal post and in some of her responses starting from the 1st page.

Sorry Judy for the misunderstanding I thought you was referring to the OP.

Cheating is a huge deal for some people, but...

Talaniman made a good point. Your fiancé could have kept it a secret. However, it seems like he is taking your relationship seriously. His intentions seem pretty clear. He wants to make up for his mistake.

Some people may feel: "Once a cheater always a cheater," no chance, no how. But it's up to you to decide if you feel that you can trust him again.

Sorry Judy for the misunderstanding I thought you was referring to the OP.


Liz, I jumped on you without cause - and I'm sorry.

I am asking that the "reddie" be removed. If that is not possible, perhaps you could delete your post which will take the reddie away with it.

And I'm honestly sorry.

Liz, I jumped on you without cause - and I'm sorry.

I am asking that the "reddie" be removed. If that is not possible, perhaps you could delete your post which will take the reddie away with it.

And I'm honestly sorry.

I balanced with a greenie,not to be a budinski but that just seemed easiest.

I have a question, don't mean to highjack the thread.

Why did you cheat if you love(d) her so much, if you are now hurt, lost, sorry.

Why?

We were in a terrible time, I was full of myself and felt I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have sex, but making out is still cheating. I would never look at another woman like that again while in a relationship.

We were in a terrible time, I was full of myself and felt I could do whatever I wanted. I didn't have sex, but making out is still cheating. I would never look at another woman like that again while in a relationship.


Thanks for the clear, brutally honest answer. And I believe you.

Again - thanks.