I've been dating this guy for about a year and a half now. Everything has been great until the past a couple of weeks or so. He's 23 and I'm 25. Before meeting him I was actually engaged to someone else. He persisted and I fell for him. I broke off the engagement in respect of doing the right thing. After a few months of being together, I've realized that his insecurities are starting to show. At first it didn't really bother me much but lately its been driving me crazy. For example: I am not allowed to have lunch with a coworker (opposite sex) even knowing that this "coworker" has been my friend before meeting him, let alone this "coworker" is married with 4 kids! I already met his wife and been hanging out with them once in a while. So last night, I made it clear to him that this will be a problem between us if we don't compromise. He needs to learn to trust me. Then he just says, I do trust you but I don't trust him line. He doesn't even want to meet him. He said he could care less who it is. It's not acceptable for me to have lunch with an opposite sex. Then he continued with if this is how you're going to be then you'll see what'll happen next, just don't complain if some things change between us. This attitude abosolutely irritated me and asked what he meant by it. He continues " you'll see..you're not going to be the only one having a little fun, at least now I have the permission." At this point I was so furious that I felt no respect towards him and broke it off. Honestly, it felt good last night but now I'm starting to question myself. Am I being insensitive? Or Am I wrong for not respecting what he wanted? Just an FYI - it's been NC since last night.

Dude sounds like an immature teenager... he is 23? Stay gone, seriously. His "macho" attitude is merely something to make up for his lack of size elsewhere...

His behavior will only lead to more "controlling" type things... when someone tells me that I am "not allowed" to do something, like they are my mother or father, I start heading towards the door. You did the right thing! Unfortunately he will probably find someone gullable enough to actually stick with him...

He is too smothering and contolling so no you are not wrong

I would continue with NC and move on.

The control will not end here and the childish return to "I will get you back for not obeying me" is not the makings of a healthy relationship. Cut your losses while you are ahead and do not get further involved in this mess.

If he is so insecure that you are not allowed friends of the opposite sex, that is NOT going to change. You aren't requesting "alone" time with your friend, public appearances should be allowed in a trusting relationship. NO TRUST - NO RELATIONSHIP.

I would run. I see enough red flags in ten lines or less.

Just to be honest, some people on this site are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY to insensitive, I'm speaking to those who answer not those who ask
Jealousy happens to the best of us, and some goes a long way to show you how much the person actually cares about you. He wouldn't get jealous if he didn't love you remember.
Obviously you got mad and made a quick reactionary decision and NOW you're wondering and probably remembering why you fell for him in the first place.
My advice, TALK to him. I keep hearing "NC, NC, NC" when really, ANY relationship is about COMMUNICATION. NC is fine and dandy if somebody got dumped and the other party has no interest in getting back together with them but be wary.
Tell him how you feel, CALMLY, but before even that you need to apologize, assuming you want him back, and reassure him. Insecurities arose for some reason and it may not have necessarily been your fault (maybe he was cheated on before?) but we all have our flaws.
Make sure he knows how much you care. If he does really want to be with you then he'll engage in dialouge with you, just don't expect it all at once.
At this point its up to you, do you want it to work or not? If so, then give it a shot.

You did the right thing. Continue to do the right thing by staying away from him! He basically said he'll cheat on you if you dine with male friends. Apparently, he doesn't understand platonic relationships.

maybe you are right anthony222 when I did break up with him out of anger. BUT you are so wrong for thinking it is okay to treat a person like that as a show of LOVE? I know there is a good jealousy and bad jealousy but this one happens to fall right into the "bad" one. It's too much. It's not healthy anymore. I have had enough. I have tried talking to him making sure he has NOTHING to worry about, making him feel that I only love him and no one else but he doesn't listen. All he says, he doesn't care its either his way or the highway. The phrase that bothers me a lot is "I DON"T CARE" how you feel. I don't care if you don't like it just don't do it. I can't be with someone like that. Its suffocating and annoying.

Just for the update, he did text me last night. Fortunately, I was already sleeping. I have not replied yet. I am not sure if I should. Although, his text had nothing to do with "us. It was just a general question about something so random. Weird. Part of me wants to reply out of respect of replying but I also don't want to give him a go signal of getting back together. What do you guys think?

just to be honest, some people on this site are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY to insensitive, im speaking to those who answer not those who ask
jealousy happens to the best of us, and some goes a long way to show you how much the person actually cares about you. He wouldnt get jealous if he didnt love you remember.obviously you got mad and made a quick reactionary decision and NOW you're wondering and probably remembering why you fell for him in the first place.
My advice, TALK to him. i keep hearing "NC, NC, NC" when really, ANY relationship is about COMMUNICATION. NC is fine and dandy if somebody got dumped and the other party has no interest in getting back together with them but be wary.
Tell him how you feel, CALMLY, but before even that you need to apologize, assuming you want him back, and reassure him. Insecurities arose for some reason and it may not have necessarily been your fault (maybe he was cheated on before?) but we all have our flaws.
Make sure he knows how much you care. If he does really want to be with you then he'll engage in dialouge with you, just dont expect it all at once.
At this point its up to you, do you want it to work or not? if so, then give it a shot.

So, the next time I get mad at my girlfriend and call her a sl*t I can just tell her it was only because I love her and "care" about her... or, maybe, now I can use the "love" excuse to cheat on her... I only had sex with another girl to prove how much I loved you baby!! Give me a break! That is the same BS excuse people use who physically abuse their mates. The old, "This hurts me more than it does you," line... She has NOTHING to apologize for.

As far as replying to his text, I wouldn't. I assume he sent you such a random text to see what kind of reaction he could draw from you. Unless it is overly important (i.e. you have something that belongs to him), I wouldn't worry about returning the "respect." Or, you could just text him saying you are busy at lunch with your MALE co-worker and will get back to him later...

I think you are right to respect yourself and continue NC. The text was random, maybe you weren't even the only one that it was text to, but even if you were, replying is telling him that you are still OK with him. Given the situation let him wonder, he knows what the problem was and his lack of addressing the problem wasn't going to rectify it.

You are very correct, some jealousy is acceptable and healthy. But this isn't about jealousy, it's about control and the response of well if you think this is OK, I will do it too and show you that it is not. Threatening your relationship to make himself feel better.

Platonic friendships are healthy and acceptable in any relationship.

Originally Posted by anthony1222 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_imgs/buttons/viewpost.gif (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/he-too-much-me-327008.html#post1594394)
just to be honest, some people on this site are WAYYYYYYYYYYYY to insensitive, im speaking to those who answer not those who ask


Experienced is a better word and just curious, why is disrespect, and manipulation, a good thing in a relationship??

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=3962371

Experienced is a better word and just curious, why is disrespect, and manipulation, a good thing in a relationship????

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=3962371)

Lets start by saying: I never said they were good but relationships need communication especially when the whole thing is on the line. Sorry but the magical answer of NC doesn't always work. And I'm sure you're veryy experienced, but why don't you balance all those hard truths with a little sensitivity? Are for the record, arguing about what I said doesn't help anybody. Get over yourself and give ADVICE to people, that's what this site is about, not your Dr.Phil-esque ego.

lets start by saying: i never said they were good but relationships need communication especially when the whole thing is on the line. sorry but the magical answer of NC doesnt always work. and im sure youre veryy experienced, but why dont you balance all those hard truths with a little sensitivity? are for the record, arguing about what i said doesnt help anybody. get over yourself and give ADVICE to people, that's what this site is about, not your Dr.Phil-esque ego.

No Contact is about sensitivity. It helps people heal from relationships in a healthy way, not stay in relationships that are unhealthy and abusive.

I have never seen an insensitive post relating to relationship problems. We have all been there and speak from the experience of the healthy ways to recover and move on. What you are advising to is staying in unhealthy relationships to face an inevitable future at a later time. Please note the OP didn't believe that his attitude with platonic friendships was appropriate, hense the question, nor your answer, hense her response.

Everything is said with the OP best interests in mind, but staying in relationships that are unhealthy or abusive is not the correct remedy.

I should get my hand slapped.. I texted back but I only replied to answer his "general" question. Nothing more nothing less. Now he has not replied and for some reason it is bothering me. I can't stop checking my phone. I know I am better than this. I know better. It's so frustrating to know that I have fallen to one of his traps again. I got to be better than this. LOL

In regards about NC, if the relationship is already OVER for at least one person in the relationship, NC is the best way on letting go of someone. I just wish its easier said than done.

It is easier said then done. No Contact is difficult but very necessary for moving on, because every time you step back you are back to day one. For every contact there are expectations and disappointments.

Just keep doing the best that you can and remembering that every time you break no contact unfortunately you will have your own price to pay, as you are noting with the phone checking.

You can do this. Especially if you want respect. Just remember you didn't do anything wrong, it's completely acceptable to want friends outside of the relationship. It is his insecurity or need for control of you that is making him uncomfortable.

I must say that the jealousy started because of the way your relationship started. When the two of you met you was already engage to someone else but you left your fiancé for him. I guess he thought if he can take you from someone else than what happens when someone else comes along and take you away from him. So his jealousy turned into control and who knows what could've happen next if you stayed with him. I guess you should've stayed with your fiancé.

But to the present. Whenever you go through a break-up you feel torn but you must stay strong and stick to your guns. Whenever he sends you a text delete it so you won't feel the urge to read it because he's sending you these randoms texts in hopes of getting a response from you so it can lead to the two of you talking then after talking it someone leads to the two you getting together for something so he can beg you back into his life. It's all part of his plan and he's putting it to work so don't fall for it because the relationship you had with him was unhealty.

I wish you the best and hope you stay strong will and keep your head up.

I do trust you but I don't trust him line.

If he trusted you ,he would trust your judgment and your ability to handle yourself is the situation warranted it.

Maybe he does not trust you because initially you dropped someone for him so he sees the potential for that happening to him as well.

This could be a red flag for more controlling behavior down the road. You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to give up to appease his jealousy.

that's what this site is about, not your Dr.Phil-esque ego.

I think Dr.Phil and Tal are the bomb!

Hmm.. I can see where he can be insecure in regards about how we started our relationship. But shouldn't that also show how much I love him and be with him? After all I chose HIM and not any other. At least show a little trust and respect. I don't think his actions showed any of that. Now in regards about my ex fiancé, we didn't have the best relationship either. We both needed time to think and see what we really want. It was a mutual decision. Therefore I don't regret letting him go . It actually helped me realize what kind of guy I Don't want in my life. Now if we were given another chance to be together again, at least I can say that I definitely appreciate him not being so jealous. I had no problem with him when it came to that. LOL

Back to my current ex - I have not cried since the break up. I do think about it a lot though. I do miss talking to him. I know in time it'll definitely go away but can time go any faster??

Well you never dealt with your last break-up, you used a new relationship to deal with it.

Now this time (it almost sounds like you are contemplating going back to ex 1) you don't have a new relationship to deal. It is necessary for you to really take the time and focus on being single. Get your whole list together about what you would want in a guy and take the time to find the WHOLE package, not half here and there.

Just worry about you, if you haven't broken down, it will happen or it won't. This relationship may have just really been about leaving your first ex. While you may have feelings for him, you may not have truly invested yourself into this relationship.

Take some time for you.

I wish there was a magic portion to drink to speed up your healing process but there isn't but finding a way to deal with it would help. It's okay if you haven't shred a few tears over this, some people don't or they hold it in. If you feel the need to cry than do so because it would be good for you let it out.

Right now the break-up is still fresh and our mind has a way of playing tricks on us. You might find yourself thinking about him and remembering the good times instead of the bad but when this happen think of something else. Don't let yourself hold on to those thoughts. Get out and do something for yourself. Pamper yourself! Hang around friends and go paint the town red. If you have something around your space that reminds you of him get rid of it.

Take it day by day and sooner rather than later your going see and feel a change.

Neither the beginning nor the end of the "break up" phase really matter. Taking a magic pill to expedite the process would really be cheating yourself... it is what happens between the actual break up and the actual full fledged healing that makes a HUGE impact on you. You are in a prime spot to make changes that will have a profound impact on the rest of your life. It is, of course, hard to realize that now, but believe me, this is YOUR time.

I know in time it'll definitely go away but can time go any faster??

Hint-Time flies when your having fun.

Get busy being good to yourself, and doing good things for yourself.

The closer you get to being happy with who you are with out needing anyone else to tell you how great you are, the better you feel about yourself.

I don't think I am ready for another relationship. You guys are right. I need to take this time for myself. Its just the whole process of breaking up is hard to deal with. I don't like the pain, the anxiety of thinking what he's doing, who is he with etc. I think I've been pretty good with NC. After that last text I have not heard from him yet. I guess the big question is, what do I do when he actually tries to contact me. Its so easy to overcome the sadness when there's anger inside but when it wears off... thats when I start missing him and wanting to call/txt him. What's driving me crazy right now is the thought of him going out of the country to party this weekend with his buddies. I can't stop thinking of him being with someone else. But I guess why should I care right? After all I did break up with him. I need to stop! I need to let go! I need to not think of him. How do you stop? I can't always make myself busy all the time so I don't think of him.. there is always a down time.

UPDATE

After a week of break up, he texted me saying he needs my help to look for an apartment since his mom was kicking him out. I felt bad. He keeps on texting me that he'so lonely and everything is just going down hill for him So I decided to help him. We had a really good talk about our relationship. We did compromise about his jealousy. Until, the past couple of nights. I don't even know what to think right now. All I know I am just so frustrated with him and I don't know why. His jealousy came back when I told him I was partnered with an opposite sex coworker to organize an event for work. At first he was making all these sarcastic comments which irritated me It's like talking to a child. Then out of the heated argument I brought up the last break up and said this is the reason why I don't want to be with him and how I don't like it when he's controlling and I am tired of doing so much to save this relationship. Of course, with his smart respose " oh wow, y ou've done so much . I owe you a lot etc thank you thank you thank you". Then after a brief silence, he started "acting" so nice, saying stuff like "baby, i miss you...i'm sorry..from now on you can do whatever you want because I owe you so much". Now he claims he is saying this with pure heart but my gut says he is just acting and he is full of sarcasm! Today everything came back again with a different reason its about helping a family out that he doesn't like. Although I don't really like this family but I feel bad if I don't help. So once again, he started with his sarcastic comments. Then after a minute , he says he remembered his promise me last night that he was going to let me do whatever I want and he forgot so he was sorry. I still do't believe him. I don't trust that he is telling me the truth. Regardless he keeps on telling me that he is. I am so afraid of believing him then he'll just me for it later on. I am really irriated with him. There is nothing he says that makes me feel better. Everything that comes out of my mouth are all mean things. I don't believe anything that he says. He claims that he's doing it for me, being nice since he loves me. I don't know what to do.

Honey I DATED that guy for 7 years THEY DO NOT CHANGE!
GO WITH YOUR GUT... Because if you DO NOT BELIEVE him & trust what he's telling you for good reason then Don't. You tried haven't you? You took him back GUESS what ITS STILL the same controlling person. So what if it hurts you thinking of him with someone else with NC, but guess what you deserve an HONEST LOVING CARING TRUTH WORTHY man who won't say "hey two can play that game" who won't make you feel guilty. I left mine as hard as it was & found THE DREAM GUY... I do still think of my ex but I just have to remember I didn't want to be controlled and I wanted MY OWN LIFE not one where it revolved around him. Its hard but it doesn't respect you when you took him back & he won't care about what you WANT. He will however LIE & say "do whatever you want" TO KEEP YOU. He won't change. He won't. Don't make the mistake I did & stick it out & think you can change him never happened and his current girlfriend will find out the hard way also.

Stop helping him, and let him help himself, and get him out of your life... AGAIN!!

Then you won't be second guessing his motives or yours.

I like the phrase: its called a break up because its broken I find a lot of truth in that.

You're frustrated with him because nothing really changed, sure it changed for a moment (but then you blinked and the jealousy was back)

Like tal and katie said; get out, again and go back to NC, let go and move on with your life...

And stop helping him, its time for him to learn how to take care of and help himself! And you should just help you!

That's what I would like to do but when I think about it I am left with so much guilt because of the thought of what ifs "what if my assumptions are wrong...what if he's really willing to change? what if he's really doing it because he loves me...etc.". Could this be the reason why I am frustrated with him? I mean... if I stay with him - I get frustrated.. if I let him go - I feel guilty. Thhis is why I get so confused on what to do...


I appreciate all of your feedback.. I haven't talked to him since yesterday... I have not broken up with him yet... thanks again!

Why would you feel guilty when he is the one not doing his part?

Well him acting the way he is right now isn't that him trying to do his part? He's being super nice... saying things "i'm doing it for you..cuz i love you". Doesn't that mean something? Or like what my gut says.. he's just BSing me

If his action don't match his words, its BS! Only you can answer that.

Reread post 24, does this sound like love?

You really need to start following your instincts because it will never fail you. If you have a gut feeling that he is full of bs most likely he is and from what you wrote about his actions and spoken words prove that point, don't you think?

Once you start going against that gut feeling your be stuck with the conflicting feelings your having now.

This guy is just a big baby that have temper traums when things doesn't goes his way. He lived with his mother and didn' have sense needed to go out to find a place of his own. No, he needed someone to hold his hands because he hasn't grown up yet. His jealousy is just out of this world and if you can't converse with him without him blowing up, again how you interact with him.

One thing I can say about him is that I give him credit for knowing how to wheel you in and pull your cords. All of this back and forth only leads to frustration and unnecessary drama that you shouldn't want. You can't change him nor his way of thinking but you have the power to change you and your way of thinking.

If you open your eyes and see him for who he is you would know your better out without him. However, if you keep reading his texts stated "he's sorry" or "he's lonely" and than really feel sorry for him than your going be stuck in this situation forever.

Well you are right. My gut feeling was right. I knew better but doubted myself. I just finished talking to him. He finally admitted to me that it was all a joke. He was glad that "it" was working. He knew that I would know well enough that he's just pretending to be nice. He said I hurt his feelings by saying "i always save our relationship by trying to work everything out". I guess that offended him and couldn't accept it. That's his reason for his actions. Anger rushed through me when he admitted his actions, to the point where I ended the relationship. I did say "I don't ever want to be with you again". I know I said that to hurt his feelings but I'm not really sure if I meant it. I must say the break up the first time last week was so much easier for me than this one. I am actiually in so much pain right now. We ended the conversation in a "nice manner". He said he didn't want to fight. He just let me go. BUT after a few minutes he texted me saying thank you for everything... I am going to miss you for sure... I hope you're not mad at me.. I love you." and I REALLY want to text him back. I'm just trying to stop myself. This is hard. I'm at work and can't focus, so here I am.

He won't change, you did the right thing. Just start moving on as best as u can with NC.

well him acting the way he is right now isn't that him trying to do his part? He's being super nice... saying things "i'm doing it for you..cuz i love you". Doesn't that mean something? Or like what my gut says.. he's just BSing me

Yes,he is Bsing you.One minute he shows his true colors and the next he realizes he has pushed you away so he has to reel you back in with his baby babies.

You will only have more of the same.Jealous controlling behavior is ingrained and it takes more than a few paltry attempts to change it.

I think you will have more of the same if you take him back and as these behaviors predictability do ,they will only escalate.

BUT after a few minutes he texted me saying thank you for everything... I am going to miss you for sure... I hope you're not mad at me.. I love you." and I REALLY want to text him back. I'm just trying to stop myself. This is hard. I'm at work and can't focus, so here I am.

He is a manipulator and you are like clay in his hands. A controlling manipulator is the worst kind of abuser there is.He may not be an abuser yet but if you give him time,he will be.
I have seen this so many times,please take my advice and know that you are treading in dangerous water.

The best thing you can do is stick to your guns, and accept no more of his BS!
Your free to pursue your own happiness.

Tomorrow we have a long trip to go with friends. I think NC will be hard to do during this trip. I was thinking of not going but I really want to go to this place since I have never been there before. Plus it'll be fun since about 18 people are going. I guess I can somehow try to avoid him. Any suggestions? I'm sure everyone will notice we're not together anymore. I have not told any of my friends yet.

No wonder he was so agreeable about letting you go. He knew he would see you again, and give himself another bite of the apple. That doesn't sound good at this time.

Your letting yourself in for more games, and BS, if you do go.

I think now would be a good time to avoid him, there will be other trips in the future for you to enjoy, without him there with you.

Tomorrow we have a long trip to go with friends. I think NC will be hard to do during this trip. I was thinking of not going but I really want to go to this place since I have never been there before. Plus it'll be fun since about 18 people are going. I guess I can somehow try to avoid him. Any suggestions? I'm sure everyone will notice we're not together anymore. I have not told any of my friends yet.

Are you strong enough emotionally to take this trip that he will be on as well? even tho there will be 18 more people does not mean that it will probably be okay and you can try to avoid him. The air between you and this man will be very thick and others around you will notice it clearly. Why take a trip anywhere that you will have to "try" and avoid someone? Does not sound to me like a fun thing to do. This "place" will always be there to visit why not make the trip for yourself when he will not be going along and you will enjoy it so much more. Doesn't mean you need to stay home and feel sorry for yourself, oh hell no! Plan to do something else in fact, completely fill your life with doing things for you. It sounds to me like you need to put some distance between you and him. Start thinking about yourself first and be selfish when it comes to your precious time. Stop wasting it on him. There are more worthy men out there then you can shake a stick at. Men who are worth spending your time with.

I'm sure some of you have already expected this and I am sorry I let you guys down and I also know I ultimately let myself down for going. It was just so hard to resist and honestly I did want to see him. The trip was fun. Most of the time I was with a different group. Different car. Different room. Different activity. BUT we all stayed in the same hotel. We didn't really talk to each other besides the usual " hi and bye...etc" However, on the way there he was texting me, saying stuff like I look so good, he misses me, etc. I was ignoring him at first and eventually gave in. I was texting back with just one word response. Then there were times when I look him and he just looked so sad. I could not stand the thought of hurting him. I feel horrible. After the trip, he did call me and we talked. He was saying he misses me so much and all he could think of was me the whole entire trip. He just wanted to be with me. I know I was giving him the wrong signals by entertaining him and telling him that I do miss him but at the same time I don't want to "officially" get back together because of his actions. He is not saying he will change. He just wants me to get back with him. I do miss him a lot and 85% of me wants to get back together. BUT I also want him to change. Is this a hopeless situation?