Hey,

I know this question has been asked a hundred times on this site alone. In fact, it's probably a question that all of us must answer for ourselves at some point in our development--problem is, some get a handle on it sooner than others. I tend to fall in the latter category.

I was raised in a church family and school, so I have a very strong sense of "should do this, shouldn't do that" pounded through my skull from as far back as I can remember. Don't get me wrong: I still have a strong faith and strong moral beliefs, but I also feel that this has held me back more times than not in my life: specifically with women.

"Nah, I can't ask her out," "nah, she'd never go out with me--it would never work anyway, we're too different," "No, not her: she doesn't believe what I believe," "No, I can't go there--bad things happen there." Blah blah blah. I feel like I've spent my whole life saying no because I felt like I had justifiable reasons.

Yeah, "Yes Man" came out last year and probably addresses this very thing in a comedy/Hollywood/superficial way, but the problem I seem to be facing is that, simply put, I'm afraid to be me. No, I'm not gay or anything like that... what I mean is, my personality is naturally outgoing, goofy... the life of the party. I always make people laugh, wherever I go. Still, it doesn't seem like that's "good enough." I've spent my whole life entertaining and making people feel at ease with each other, and then watched them all pair up with their dancing partners and leave me to dim the lights and sweep up the trash once everyone left. GOD I'm not stupid, and I'm certainly no fool. I know I'm not ugly, and I'm sure as heck no dummy--I'm a med student for crying out loud!

So anyway, I can never just quite be "good enough." I'm always the "last man standing," so to speak. I'm always "too nervous," "too nice," "too much like a brother," "too....whatever. Insert your lame-o excuse here, I've heard them all." This has left me spending my 20s looking over my shoulder thinking, "Is this good enough? Am I allowed to do this? Will I look like a nerd for this?"

How do I kick this crap? I'm addicted to appearances and people pleasing. I just want to be happy in my own skin. The rest, as they say, will figure itself out. So, how the heck to do I go about doing that? I don't want to fear rejection anymore. I don't want to give two flying craps about the opinion of the girl next door. Just let me be me and be happy. Why is that so much to ask?

You need to take a lesson in Pimpology.

A lot of people might bash me for this with all their "just be yourself bullsh*t" but oh well.

It doesn't teach to NOT be yourself... but better help you understand the dynamics of attraction... how to demonstrate yourself as a high-value male.

This stuff has become increasing popular over the last couple years, especially since they came out with that show on vh1 (which by the way, depicts this in an OFF light.. not the true nature of what is taught).

You can find this stuff all over the internet.. there are videos on YouTube... newsletters.. all kinds of stuff.

There are a lot of different people teaching it with a lot of different concepts... just soak it all in, find your own groove and start to make it work for you... for who you are.

I was in sales for a short time and I had to attend selling seminars.Part of the skill in selling is to sell yourself first before you can sell the product.Seminars were basically about projecting self confidence ,etc.

The trick that worked for me was *fake it till it feels real*.You keep an inner dialogue going that says * I can do this* and then you keep up the affirmations that make you special,I'm smart,I'm a good catch,etc.You can't just say it,you have to believe it and once you believe it ,you will live it.

You are still being yourself but you are not afraid to show the world what you have to offer.Stand tall,have an open body language.

Things that hold a person back from self confidence are guilt and repression,so you have to recognize what is holding you back and mentally rid yourself of that.The negative comes in you say*stop* and redirect the thinking to *yes I can*.

Regarding the *pimpology* method,I say don't go there as that is just a manipulation of others and that is not being true to who you are.

You can do this if you believe you can.Its all in the mind.Retrain the brain and soon it will be second nature.

I agree 100% with what ArtLady said. Internal affirmations are essential to anyone's life. I wanted to mention that before but was side tracked.

Read your opening post again and count how many negative thoughts are in there... you are what you believe and if you believe you will always be that last man standing, you will.

You have a lot going for you... there is no reason why you should be constantly telling yourself all this negative BS. It may sound silly but like AL said "Fake it till it feels real" or "fake it till you make it". It's the law of attraction... you get what you put out there. Look up The Secret... great video on this that has helped a lot of people change their perspective.

That's really all there is to it.

As for the pimpology stuff... girls don't always like to hear it but they stand in their own way when good, high quality men are right there in front of them. What you SHOULD gain from it is how to get her to notice you the RIGHT way... its not about buying her a drink... or boasting about yourself. All the douchbags in the world do that. Its about how to demonstrate your high-value and to make her notice it.

girls are used to hearing compliments, having drinks bought for them, or the usual cheesy "whats a girl like you doing in a place like this" conversations.. when you do that stuff, you lump yourself in with everyone else. What they need is something out of the norm... something to make them look twice.. look deeper... then they will see the you for you (faster than they would had they first made you the dreaded "friend"). Again, its not about games and being someone your not... its about helping them get out of their own way

Wow--thank you both VERY much. Like I said before, this kind of stuff SHOULD just be second nature to us by now (I'm 29.) I guess when you grow up being told "you could've if only," or, "you can't because," you believe that just as much. So, doing the opposite and telling myself, "BullSH*T I can't! Watch this!" over time should have a positive effect, yes?

Let's hope it sticks.

You're on the right track, 20s... but keep this in mind when speaking to your subconscious:

Always speak in positives! EX:

Instead of saying: "I am not stupid"

Say: "I am [smart/intelligent/creative/awesome/etc]"

Its like the old saying: "Don't think of the color RED"

(I bet you just thought of the color red, huh?)

You see, the subconscious doesn't pick up the don'ts, the can'ts, the won'ts, etc. So you have to watch yourself and not use those when your doing this.

Awesome. You know, the past few days, I've been feeling a lot better about things. I had someone today tell me (without my prompting them, actually) that "Just because YOU believe it doesn't mean everybody else does." I said, "Well, I believe it, so that's all that matters at this point." But, the incident raised an interesting question for me:

The second response to this thread said, essentially, "Fake it till you make it." You will eventually believe the good things you tell yourself. But then I got to thinking: does that then make me delusional, thinking things about myself that may or may not be (whether they be positive or negative?) Some people come off as irritatingly arrogant... and yet, somehow, we all seem to be drawn to those people at the same time.