My ofhter half is into an alternative lifestyle (doms & submissives) I am not part of it in anyway shape or form. He has these online coversations with other women and photos of them, I feel like I am being cheated on. He is always in contact with an ex from High school (that is married with 2 kids and lives in another state). I love him but he says that I do everything for the family (I have 1 daughter from a previous marriage, he has custody of his 4 kids from previous marriage and we have 1 together) but nothing for us. I am the only one working, I am the Cubmaster for his sons cub scout pack and I cook almost every night! Am I over reacting to all of this or is he cheating?? I don't want to raise another child with a broken home but I don't know how much more of the lying I can take.

Well I think it's classified as cheating...

YOU need to put your foot down if you Hate/dislike the situation.

Maybe play along ONE time then decide if you don't like it.

Really, I think he is taking advantage of the situation that you are allowing this to continue.

Cheers

I have to say your in very deep to only be getting these feelings now..

Have you tried the dom and sub stuff?

If you haven't I would try it, you never know you could like it, weirder things have happened!

And as far as you doing everything.. tell him you wouldn't have to if he'd help out a bit for god's sake!

Try to come to a compromise, tell him you'll try his world if he'll try yours, a bit of understanding goes a long way.

I agree with Xrayman. He is taking advantage of the situation. He can only get away with whatever you let him get away with. Sexual conversations with other women is cheating to me. But it may not be cheating to some. You need to to decide what you can and cannot put up with. Once you've decided lay down the rules to him and if he can't oblige or compromise then let him go. Not wanting to break your home up is not a good enough reason to not be happy.Your home will be worse for your children if they don't have 2 happy parents.

Instead of him being on the computer with nonsense he needs to get out and get a job and do something for you and the family instead of being so needy and selfish.

I not going to dictate what is "right" or "wrong" for you.

We have discussions on the boards here over and over about what is "acceptable" or not..

As already stated... you decide what you life needs to be.

Yes, most relationship require some "wiggle room"... I'm almost ten years into a good marriage, but you'd better believe we've had to adjust, reset, take stock in what we demand and what we will concede.

Its always important to get down to the deepest level. Past the "symptoms" and to the causes...

So...

He isn't here. You don't have to fight about this... you can talk about this without it being personal to us...

Is bdsm really the issue here?

What are You missing in this relationship?

What do you need from him that you are not getting on a fundamental level?

The problems with sex might be apparent... but id bet there are other issues at stake here. Doesn't mean I'm right. I've sure as hell been wrong many other times.

So... talk to us more, please.

I don't have a problem with his liking bdsm... there are aspects of that which I, personally, find arousing and have been able to find "middle ground" with my lover... but I do have some real concerns about your needs not being met or respected.

So... outside the bedroom... how are you doing?

I am a little stuck on what the confusing part is here. The cheating, The no job or the personal agenda. If you don't agree with it commnicate with him your preference. You should establish some boundaries that you are both comfortable with. Yikes

You seem to be under a lot of stress and are full of emotion that needs an outlet.

There seem to be several things happening all at once in your post. I'm seeing these issues:
1) His time being spent in online relationships, leading to you feeling cheated on.
2) You being the sole financial supporter, and the main caregiver for the family.

I agree that the BDSM portion does not seem to be your real issue here, although it could be addressed in the future.

All I can really recommend is to talk with him about all of your feelings. Try not to yell or come off as attacking. Try to state things in a way that might help promote further conversation, like "I'm feeling unappreciated and need some attention from you."

You should know that it is not uncommon these days for adults to seek online relationships, especially when they are out of work and/or their real-life relationships are not going well. This does not excuse the behavior, but is characteristic of the behavior.

You may find that you need to seek the help of a therapist or professional if you are having difficulties communicating honestly and openly with one another.

I think I missed the no job situation-

HE NEEDS TO GET A JOB! The rest may fall into place when he is occupied with an occupation!

Holy mackerel!

He's cheating all right.

He's cheating you of respect, support, understanding, compassion. He's cheating you by not supporting SIX children financially or psychologically. He is cheating you by denying you companionship, and a responsible husband you can rely on to share the load of raising a healthy family.

He's cheating his children the same way, by denying them a responsible role model.

So, he spends time online in fantasy role-playing with like-minded individuals. That does not take up all of his time, but that is the focus here.

There are far more important things that he is NOT doing that I would be concerned with.

THe lazy bum needs to get a job. If he has custody of 4 kids with NO job I can imagine what the kids mother must be like.

If he actually had you get off his butt and earn a living he'd have less time with his fantasies like has been mentioned.

Actually he have 5 kids because the two of them had a child together.

Actually he have 5 kids because the two of them had a child together.
Even worse... she allows him to procreate further knowing he's like this already. However #5 isn't as unreasonible as they are its parents. It's the First four I was referring to. Courts usually give the mother custody unless she is a crack addict or running a Ho house. And even then its not a sure thing.

Have the kids ask him for help w/ their homework, that needs to be looked up online. That way he is showing the kids how to use the computer the right way. Ask him if he likes to play games. Ask him if he would like to play the hardest game that he will ever play in his life. THE FATHER ROLE GAME. That game is played by acting like a father, a responsible adult, and a partner to you. Also he needs to give a little to get a little:)

I think a family with 6 kids may not allow for him to get a job. My understanding is that he is the stay at home parent here. That's not inappropriate in this situation.

If they can afford to live on her income, then he should be at home being there for all those kids. BUT he is probably bored (like a lot of housewives) and needs either a part-time paid or part-time volunteer job with adults, or a hobby with adults--preferably male type adults! He needs to get out of the house a few hours a week (just like once a week, not all the time) and, also, start cooking dinner every night, taking up the slack for the OP. Also, let him take over the cub scout pack.

I think a family with 6 kids may not allow for him to get a job. My understanding is that he is the stay at home parent here. That's not inappropriate in this situation.

If they can afford to live on her income, then he should be at home being there for all those kids. BUT he is probably bored (like a lot of housewives) and needs either a part-time paid or part-time volunteer job with adults, or a hobby with adults--preferably male type adults! He needs to get out of the house a few hours a week (just like once a week, not all the time) and, also, start cooking dinner every night, taking up the slack for the OP. Also, let him take over the cub scout pack.Good point... I read into it that she was tired of working while he sat at home... and he very well might be the stay at home parent by their choice.

I disagree with making him do the other stuff as well, too many times when the guy is the bread winner the women jump all over him if he isn't doing a share of the household stuff. Even in a role reversal he shouldn't have to do everything around the house any more than she should if the positions were reversed.

However I'm not condoning his contact with an ex-girlfriend. And ex-wife is different as they have kids together. And ex-girlfriend should stay an ex.

Good point... I read into it that she was tired of working while he sat at home... and he very well might be the stay at home parent by their choice.

Right. Working fathers OFTEN complain about theirs wives "sitting around" while they work, but in fact staying home with 6 kids isn't necessarily a bowl of cherries. I think he's trying to cheer himself up with this hobby, but it's not a healthy one for a family guy. His focus should be on the children and his wife. (He should be greeting her with a beautifully made dinner, all the children clean and calm; he's cheerful and well dressed. Oh where did I read something like that? :rolleyes:)


I disagree with making him do the other stuff as well, too many times when the guy is the bread winner the women jump all over him if he isn't doing a share of the household stuff. Even in a role reversal he shouldn't have to do everything around the house any more than she should if the positions were reversed.

I think the stay at home person typically does the cooking because it's easier than for someone who just walks in the house having been gone all day. She can help him do the dishes and put the kids to bed. There's Plenty to do! I stand my belief that he should be cooking most nights. If he doesn't know how, it's time he learned.


However I'm not condoning his contact with an ex-girlfriend. And ex-wife is different as they have kids together. And ex-girlfriend should stay an ex.

Agreed!

He claims that I don't care about him and that all I think about is me, me, me... then he says I wanted to leave before but didn't.. then he talks about us buying a house together... I don't get it...

But the kids are at school and day care all day, he wants to wait until 6:30 to pick them up when all I want to do is rush to the day care to pick up my son and daughter. We only have one car because I can't afford another vehicle, he claims he can't get a job because of his past but I believe he is using it as a crutch to sit at home all day. The ex wife hasn't paid her child support in a year and is working and had a $300K inheritance from her father and blew it and was foreclosed on her trailer home within a year and blew all of her money partying in NY and taking trips everywhere, she doesn't see the kids, doesn't call... so I am mommy too...

I will just say that at what point is enough enough. Really you do deserve better.

I think you BOTH have resentments that have NOTHING to do with your sex lives, really---but that's where the frustration is playing out in your lives.

I suggest either having open and honest communication with each other, or getting a marriage counselor.

Maybe your boyfriend ha gotten so comfortable with you supported him and the kids and he doesn't feel like getting a job.

If his kids mother isn't paying her child support that the court orders said then again your boyfriend need to get off his lazy butt and take her back to court.

Your plate right now is too full and your boyfriend isn't a man, sorry to say, because a real man wouldn't put this heavy load on your shoulders. Even if he has work at a fast food place, any job is better than no job especially when you've a family to support.

I will just say that at what point is enough enough. Really you do deserve better.

And so do all the children, may I add. To answer your question which I never really did, YES you are being cheated on. Cheating isn't only physical. He is giving time and energy to other people and relationships that should be given to his family and his home. He says that you do nothing for "us"... WHAT IS HE DOING? There is such a thing as modeling behavior for your children to pattern their lives after. Would you want this same situation for your daughter? Most likely not. My suggestion to is really to move on to a healthier relationship. One that provides you what you deserve and is closer to what you think is the "norm". It's clear that he isn't interested in working and that he is really comfortable with the livestyle that he has grown accustom to living. If you take away some of his kids the burden is lighter for you. Just a thought!

It wouldn't matter WHAT he was into, this isn't healthy. Even if it was super-plain vanilla chatting, if you feel like he's emotionally or sexually involved elsewhere, of course you'll be unhappy. If he has any interest in this relationship, he needs to HELP MAKE IT WORK!

You mention that your husband is having online "conversations" with these women. Are these conversations pertaining to his hobby? Is he actually engaging in cyber-sex? Are the kids near by, or could they stumble in on him while this is going on?

If he is engaging in cyber sex with these people, that is cheating. You need to see a marriage counselor, pronto. Please don't put up with this sort of behavior- it sounds like an awful situation. Please keep us posted...

But the kids are at school and day care all day, he wants to wait until 6:30 to pick them up when all I want to do is rush to the day care to pick up my son and daughter. We only have one car because I can't afford another vehicle, he claims he can't get a job because of his past but I believe he is using it as a crutch to sit at home all day. The ex wife hasn't paid her child support in a year and is working and had a $300K inheritance from her father and blew it and was foreclosed on her trailer home within a year and blew all of her money partying in NY and taking trips everywhere, she doesn't see the kids, doesn't call...so I am mommy too....

I'm confused. What does he do that is a positive contribution to your family and why are you with him? I was looking for something positive to say about this situation, but now that I see this post, which I missed last week, I'm stumped.

Yes, he's cheating on you. And he's cheating on the implicit contract in a relationship that each party contributes to the well being of the family. If he leaves the kids in daycare for 8 hours a day and doesn't work and doesn't cook, but just indulges his sexual appetites and complains, I can't think of any reason to stay with him except that you have now formed an attachment to his four children. If you dumped him, you'd be way better off financially (since your kids are in school or daycare all day anyway). And I'm guessing you'd have less work to do when you got home at night with four fewer kids and you wouldn't have to deal with his complaining and his "interests."

Where's the upside to staying? What's to love in this guy?

PS. I would just put up for consideration the possibility that the ex wife is not as bad as he's been making her out to be. What do you think he says about you to other people?

And his whining that you don't do enough for HIM is beyond belief. You are supporting his five children and him (plus another child) and doing the second shift at night as well. You must have a lot of energy! I feel tired just thinking about it.