I have been seeing a married, wealthy, older man for about a year now, we started as friends and has grown to dates and truly loving one another to the point of tears from both of us. He wants to rescue me from financial troubles and help with my career to be happier but his fear is his boys whom are in college will hate him if he left their mother and his wife of thirty years. I do not want to let him go , he does not want me to and breaks down when I tell him that I even think of stopping the relationship. Is there anyone out there in the same position?

Yeah , his current wife is.

You actually are having a sugar daddy to help you out financially, that is it. He says he loves you, but, if he did, he would leave his wife, that isn't happening. Words mean nothing, I love you, action speaks louder than words. You have no right to be with this man. If you were with him and he married you, he would cheat on you too. How would you like it, if someone did that to you? Get out of this so called fantasy and move on.

From my point of view anyone that cheats has a 99.9 chance of doing it again.. what makes you think you're the only girl out there he's seeing.. you never know.. personally I think you should end this now before you end up hurting yourself and this mans family

Wonder if he was not able to be a sugar daddy, would you be so in love, and blind to the obvious? He pays for your time. There is another word for that... let me just think!

You need a career and a good man. Your life will never recover if you allow yourself to be prostituted at a young age. Heck, take his money, but make sure you get your bills paid and move on soon... Don't let him fool you. He is NOT going to leave his wife and unless you can live like this forever - walk away.

I bet there is a BIG age difference here, am I right?

I don't know if you've hooked up with 50+ aged older men before, but you really need to think about this.

Aside from the obvious financial rewards, and his feelings for you, and the excitement of being 'in love', where do you honestly expect this relationship to go.

You have much to lose by compromising your principles to justify this relationship.

You lose yourself. Self-respect, independence, healthier relationships and your future.

While he dangles carrots, and you consider taking them, you compromise yourself. You know as well as anybody else that you need to justify the relationship with a married man, and so what you have is what you call 'love'. That is all you have. What you think love is.

This is not it.

He has a wife of over 30 years, he's still married to her, and always will be. He has two grown children in college, he's not going to compromise a lifetime worth of achievement for a little fling on the side, that he knows will last only as long as the money does.

The problem too is, when you realize this situation for what it is, you may have invested many years, and accomplished nothing, other than being an invisible outsider.

Do you really want to look back on your life and realize that it was the wrong thing to do, and you've wasted precious years with someone who, right from the start, has said he can never leave his wife?

I know it seems as if he is a sugar daddy but I loved him before the help, we started as friends and nothing sexual, we talk about evevything, he has done so many caring things that are really from the heart. We now live three hours apart but seem to see each other more, talk more, and love more. I know I need to let go but at this point I can't see being without my best friend, I get asked out a lot and just recently got a divorce but there is no other man that keeps my interest. I am 37 and been through a lot in the past year, he is 58 and so has he but the trials have been with him. He says he just wants to see me happy, my kids happy and does things to help with that. He encorages me to do things for myself which I have a hard time doing but I am trying now, he wants to help me go back to school, get out of debt so I can feel better, encourages me to have fun, to be healthy,etc. Anyway I guess I am trying to make all of this okay and respect all comments. I know I have to be strong, prepare my heart and let go. I do have to say that even knowing he is not mine I am still somewhat okay with being the other woman. I am so messed up. I would not recommend anyone to be involved in this way.

Talk to someone, and get into some counseling for yourself. Your setting yourself up for so much hurt. It isn't love, trust me on this one. You just got out of a divorce, and why have more problems now to add too it, with someone else's husband. Please let go, its not right, and its not a healthy relationship. Down the road it will be heartache. Good luck.

Yes while he maybe helpful, the relationship is not healthy. He can help because he is rich, but you have crossed the boundaries of good behavior with having sex with someone's husband.

You do need to reconsider your position, and be aware your divorce may have made you weak for the kindness of a guy who is cheating and can afford to help you.

That's not love, but needy, and I hope you see where your dependence has led you, and where its leading.

This whole affair has compromised your being independent, and self reliant. That's not healthy.

Thank you for your support, I feel bad for him because he lost his job of 25 years because of this but found another and does not blame me and says it was his fault. He is a very caring doctor and all who knows him loves him, the way we met was very innocent but now I guess its not so much anymore. I feel really stuck but I can't imagine not having him to talk to because he really helps me,my family, and my friends with anything. That is the type of man he is.

While you may think that this relationship happened naturally, by luck and/or circumstances, it did not.

When you consider who's needs are being met here, clearly having you on the side being happy with what he is willing and able to give, is to his advantage.

I am curious how you met him in the first place.

You have to consider the possibility that he was looking for someone just like you. It suits his needs to have someone near enough to be accessible once in a while, yet far enough away that his wife won't find out.

He probably anticipated investing very little, because you don't expect much. Again, his needs are being met.

You are available for him, he is not available for you, when you need him. His needs, or yours?

He can invest as little or as much as he likes, knowing you will accept whatever he 'can' give, emotionally, financially, and otherwise. His needs, or yours?

You are grateful for the help with your children, but what real influence does he have in their lives? Only what he is willing to give, and you accept that. Who's needs are being met here?

I could go on and on here, but you get the picture. I suspect that you falling for him was not an accident. He provides something you need, and you take it. And to top it off, you are grateful for this? Is it possible, just for a moment, to think that, had he not hooked up with you, he would have played the same game with another women in similar circumstances?

Just what do you expect to come of this relationship.

I worked in a facility and helped take care of his mother, it was just " hello how are you" for about a year then to texting about our days. We both never expected any of this, then I also started working at a hospital where he worked but not side by side. He knew of my career goals and set up a savings account for help . I had to use that to move back home after I left my husband, I left a good man but I did not love him as I should so I tried to do the right thing for him. I said goodbye to my " friend" and never expected to continue. The odds were against us, but he could not take the break-up and makes sacrifices to see me and most of the time its just a meal and conversation, he drives a six hour round trip for a one hour meal, so its not all about sex. And a mutual friend that he thinks knows nothing of this says he would have never done this before me and that I have changed him, he is happier and healthier than ever before. Honestly in my heart I know he does not want to leave his wife because he made a promise to take care of her always but says he is invested in my life even if I say its over. He is that type of man to give help out of his heart and not his pants. He would find a way to help even if I break it off, I know that much to be true.

I worked in a facility and helped take care of his mother, it was just " hello how are you" for about a year then to texting about our days. We both never expected any of this, then i also started working at a hospital where he worked but not side by side. He knew of my career goals and set up a savings account for help . I had to use that to move back home after i left my husband, i left a good man but i did not love him as i should so i tried to do the right thing for him. I said goodbye to my " friend" and never expected to continue. the odds were against us, but he could not take the break-up and makes sacrifices to see me and most of the time its just a meal and conversation, he drives a six hour round trip for a one hour meal, so its not all about sex. And a mutual friend that he thinks knows nothing of this says he would have never done this before me and that i have changed him, he is happier and healthier than ever before. honestly in my heart i know he does not want to leave his wife because he made a promise to take care of her always but says he is invested in my life even if i say its over. He is that type of man to give help out of his heart and not his pants. He would find a way to help even if i break it off, I know that much to be true.

Although I can't see this easily as having benefit to you, as far as a relationship goes, in my eyes, he is doing very well as you say. Established, long-term relationship with his wife, two kids in college, he's healthier and happier than he's ever been, according to this mutual friend, and he has you to fill in what he is missing in his life. What he's not looking for, I don't think, is a traditional relationship with you.

So, if it all boils down to no more than what it is for you, as it is right now, and that is a comfortable place for you both, then it is not my place to judge. For what you both need, if this fits the bill, then who can truly say that it is right or wrong. I personally have never understood men very well.

If you were in your early 20's, I'd be a little more aggressive with my views, but, from the outside looking in, I hope that you are wise enough to realize at some point, a full-time partner with a future for you and your children; someone devoted only to you, may happen, and that you don't rule that possibility out.

I wish you well sweet.

I want to be happy and he has set a very high standard of a man that I want if I can't be with him. His dream he says is to someday just be with me but I can not bank on his dreams after all it could be just that. Thank you.

I think its time you imagined a life without him, to get out of this fantasy you have built around him. It keeps you a slave to his wealth and open to any BS he throws at you. Just not healthy, my dear!

I have done the whole dating a married person thing and it NEVER ends well. At the minute you are falling for his words if he truly wanted to be with he would be, he's making excuses as to why he can't leave his wife and you are falling for them. I've been in that position where you feel everything is wonderful and you feel he means what he says. But get it straight he is a liar and a cheat. What's to say the same won't happen to you, it did to me. For all you know he could have other women on the go at the same time my married woman did. You need to wake up from this fantasy of yours and realise in the cold stark light of day what is really going on. Where's yourself respect? Make your own money and get your own man.

There is no one else but his wife, I know he can only be one place at a time. Three places: home , in surgery, or with me. I always know where he is. That's beside the point, I know how cheaters think, I am one. I have played the game and this is the first time that I have fallen for the weak. I also know that I usually get what I want and to be perferctly honest I want him to be happy above myself. I do have a good heart and want the best for others, but I know its time for mine and for that to happen I have to stand on my own.

Girl, before doing anything else put yourself in the position of that woman. If he can do it to his wife he can definitely do it to you. Being in love is not worth all the trouble you'll have from this union. Find a man close to your age. That man has kids! Don't be unfair for your own selfish reasons. Karma will bite you back, trust me. Leave him.

Oh karma has bitten, and I just don't like men close to my age, when I find one that is single I will def. date him. Plenty of younger men have asked me out but there is just something more to an older man, I do date other men, just without expectations. I intend on having fun and exploring my options. My MM is coming over today and it's the day to tell him goodbye. New job tomorrow and new life for me. I am a very strong willed person and time to bring that part of me back out.

There is no doubt that he is a cheater. But at the same time, you called him your "best friend." So maybe that's the type of friendship you should have with him.

Like what everyone has been saying. There's no future with him. He will not leave his wife. You are losing your independence. Just let him be your friend and find yourself another man who won't cheat on his wife. You deserve better.

I had a friend that was in your same situation and I'd tell you like I told her numerous of times it leads to no where. It took her 10 years to figure this out and to wake up and really smell the coffee.

Do you really think that he cares about his kids since he is seeing you on the side? No! Because if he did he wouldn't be seeing you and is only using that as an excuse to not let you go.

To me the two of you are using each other for one another benefits. You like what he has to offer and you like what he's offering you. But if you dig deep within yourself you know this is wrong, right?

The same way he can't further your career don't you think it can be taking away? I've heard of woman sleeping their way to the top but is the way you really what to go instead of putting in the hard work to get to the top because when you work hard in the end you feel more triumph and the goal is more satifying and you could be such a better role model for woman who worked hard. It might take longer but believe me the journey is well worth it.

Curious to know who started texting who first.

A little twist on the current theme here.

A friend of mine married a much older man, and she was 21 at the time, he was 45. She is still married to him, and enjoys all that has to offer.

Several years ago, she started an affair with a fellow employee, and it continues to this day. He has moved into her neighbourhood with his family.

According to her, the only reason her marriage is together, and his marriage is together, is that they have each other once a week.

Is this maybe, a long shot I know, somehow a benefit to sweet's lover's wife of 60? Perhaps she too is enjoying that he is happier and healthy. Maybe their relationship somehow benefits from this?

Don't shoot me, just wondering. :confused:

There is no doubt that he is a cheater. But at the same time, you called him your "best friend." So maybe that's the type of friendship you should have with him.

Like what everyone has been saying. There's no future with him. He will not leave his wife. You are losing your independance. Just let him be your friend and find yourself another man who won't cheat on his wife. You deserve better.

NOPE:

Unfortunately, they are way past "just friends" and cannot go back any time soon.

She needs to move on.

I was in that very position myself. I was with married man for about a year, and though anyone who thinks of affairs- automoatically assumes that it all involves SEX, it does not. I do believe that you two perhaps have a very deep fondness for eachother- perhaps even love- BUT, I dd it because I was young and stupid and I NEVER expected him to leave his wife. You may mean a lot to him, but guaranteed- his face in front of his children mean more- they hardly ever leave their wives for the "other woman"- too costly- too embarrassing and too painful (FOR EVERYONE). Save yourself the trouble, find a man that you can call your own, not one that is borrowed. You deserve to be in the light in the relationship- not in the shadows.

NOPE:

unfortunately, they are way past "just friends" and cannot go back any time soon.

she needs to move on.

I was trying to be nice :( He does sound supportive. Who knows, if both of you can handle friendship only :confused:

If one of you can't handle friendship only, then it really is time to move on...

A little twist on the current theme here.

A friend of mine married a much older man, and she was 21 at the time, he was 45. She is still married to him, and enjoys all that has to offer.

Several years ago, she started an affair with a fellow employee, and it continues to this day. He has moved into her neighbourhood with his family.

According to her, the only reason her marriage is together, and his marriage is together, is that they have eachother once a week.

Is this maybe, a long shot I know, somehow a benefit to sweet's lover's wife of 60? Perhaps she too is enjoying that he is happier and healthy. Maybe their relationship somehow benefits from this?

Don't shoot me, just wondering. :confused:


Not sure you can speculate on how the wife is feeling or benefiting or otherwise from her husband having an affair, Jake. Her story is her own and we're not going to know that here.

Wow! I can't believe you are actually falling for this guy's nonsense. Why would he ever leave his wife when you are giving him the best of both worlds? What you need to do is tell this guy to take a hike. I know how hard it's going to be, but you will get over it. Get yourself a job to pay your bills and find a hobby that you really enjoy to keep your mind off this guy. The bottom line is if he really wanted to be with you, he'd leave his wife to make that happen. Sorry to be so hard on you, but you will be okay without him!

I was once in this very situation myself. My guy was married and had two kids. Unlike, what many people may believe about such affairs, it is not all about SEX, so I'm sure that you two may have a certain degree of fondness for eachother- BUT, save yourself the trouble- don't you want a man that you can call yours? Not someone who is borrowed? You deserve to be in the light in a relationship, and not in the shadows.

Also, if he has two older children- he will not do anything to shatter whatever relationship he has with them. It is rare when the husband does leave the wife for the "other woman," it is too costly, too embarrassing and too painful (for everyone). And if he were to leave her by some miracle, and were to stay with you- that would be a miserable life for you- no one that means anything to him will ever care for you- and that will bring problems.

Let me clear some things up. He wants to help me with my career by helping me go back to college, not sleeping my way to the top, we work in 2 different towns now 3 hours apart. Being in healtcare it's a little hard to sleep your way to the top and learn surgery at the same time. He is only offering support by helping me with learning abilities that I lack. We will be able to stay friend because of our understanding how we got to this point, the tough times that we have endured together and some of them because of our relationship. I started this question for different views on my situation and all have been helpful and I really appreciate all of the ones who have great non judgemental advice. You all seem very caring. Remember its not about the sex, it's a connection that both of us are lacking elsewhere, an understanding of needs if you will. A true friendship where we hold nothing back.

Unfortunately when you post on here you don't get to select the answers that you want.

This is a good thing, but sometimes a hard pill to swallow.

You said it's a new job and a new life for you. Have you followed through with this?

ALSO, I am still curious to know if this man was not financially sound, would you still be so fond of him seeing that he is married. Single and financially sound is one thing, but married and living pay check to pay check is another...

I really had no idea of the amount of wealth he has and loved him before the gifts. It seems that most of the post assumes its about money. I could have left my ex husband with nothing, but instead I left with nothing, and yes I told him goodbye tonight. I did it for him and his family, not for myself. If I tried to do it for my feelings I don't think I would have followed through

I really had no idea of the amount of wealth he has and loved him before the gifts. It seems that most of the post assumes its about money. I could have left my ex husband with nothing, but instead I left with nothing, and yes i told him goodbye tonight. I did it for him and his family, not for myself. If i tried to do it for my feelings I don't think I would have followed through


I am sad for you Sweet, I believe you truly loved him. To leave him for the right reasons really speaks volumes about you.

Maybe that is why you came here in the first place, for a little reassurance that this was not the right path for you, or him.

Good luck to you.

Maybe that is true, but you can't say having extra cash around (even if you were financially sound personally) is nice. As the rapper Lil Kim said' "Why spend mine when I can spend yours?"

But on a different note, what have you decided?

Wow! I can't believe you are actually falling for this guy's nonsense. Why would he ever leave his wife when you are giving him the best of both worlds?

Exactly, why buy the cow when the milk is free

The guy isn't an idiot. He knows it would be way more expensive to leave his current marriage, than it would be to just pay some of your bills, reap the rewards, and keep you on the DL so to speak.

The guy is wealthy, meaning he knows how to make money, how to use it wisely, and how to keep it.

Divorce is not a move many wealthy men make. They would rather have a so called "mistress" on the side to make up for whatever is lacking in their marriage, hence the reason he has you on the side. All the while keeping all of this hush hush. Granted his kids would be pissed, but they will always love him and call him dad. However, the real vengeance would come from his wife, who would probably try and take every last little penny she can through divorce.

Sorry, if you think he is going to leave his wife for you, you better think again. Best to end this before the REAL fiasco begins.

The guy isn't an idiot. He knows it would be way more expensive to leave his current marriage, than it would be to just pay some of your bills, reap the rewards, and keep you on the DL so to speak.

Divorce is not a move many wealthy men make. They would rather have a so called "mistress" on the side to make up for whatever is lacking in their marriage, hence the reason he has you on the side. All the while keeping all of this hush hush. Granted his kids would be pissed, but they will always love him and call him dad. However, the real vengeance would come from his wife, who would probably try and take every last little penny she can through divorce.

Sorry, if you think he is going to leave his wife for you, you better think again. Best to end this before the REAL fiasco begins.

I agree! How would you feel if your husband was creeping around on you? Hey, if you don't care then keep doing your "thang", but something tells me that is not the case. Deep inside you know this is inappropriate and wrong.

The op has already to leave him alone and that's good news but I would like to say regardless if you never had sex with him emotions still get involve because you stated you loved him so if anything this was an emotional affair which is still wrong. However, I am glad that you did the right thing and if anything you should've learn from it and hopefully don't reapeat this in the future. Good for you!

I admit this is hard to go through but still there is a sense of accompishment. I am sad for him and now he is wanting to talk this through and ask if I would be with him even with nothing. I said yes I would but couldn't because I love him that much.