Well, I am one of those. I am broke up with my my true love, my soul mate, my life partner, and decided to look for help everywhere. I committed all of the usual mistakes: calling often, arguing with the ex, begging to get back together, etc... You name it, I've done it. I am still in the recovery stage and have been feeling depressed for the last 2-3 weeks.

Here is what happened between the two of us. We have been dating for 1.5 years and everything started great. We had our fights here and there but nothing too serious. As the time past we started arguing more and more. She also started thinking about the future. I was committed and wanted a long term relationship. She wanted the same but had doubts in her mind. We are both in college and one day she tells me that she wants to go out and experience. She was looking for space and have some time to explore. She told me that she did not want to be with me while she had these thoughts and did not want to hurt me by staying with me for longer. She couldn't get herself to break up with me, so I decided to do it for her because I understood that she needed to do this. The break up was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. I want her to be happy even if it is with another person. She started dating right after we broke up and it has not made it easier on me. We also live right next to each other on the same dorm floor one room away from each other. I went on dates too but couldn't get myself to stop thinking about her. I've been keeping myself occupied but all day long I think of her only.

She was very similar to myself but she still was able to teach me much. We grew together as one and as individuals. Towards the end we were together so often that I started to feel suffocated. I wanted space at the time and now that I have it I do not want it anymore. We both want to remain best friends and continue talking with each other. I have read several article on this site and many of them stated that it is very unlikely that we will get back together. She still loves me and I her.



Well that is my story and I hope I haven't bored too many of you. Thanks for listening.

Welcome to the forum, A4Effort!


She still loves me and I her.


That's only partly true, as the love has changed, and she no longer wants what you want.

Staying in contact with her, and her being that close, will only stop you from healing, and dealing with the reality of this break up.

Its not easy, but its important that you back away, and regroup, and rebuild a life of your own, without her in it. This will allow you to heal, and make better decisions for yourself, in the future, based on facts and not just intense feelings.

So, how do I maintain a friendship with her while rebuilding myself?

Also, I am afraid that I will not find someone like her because we had so many things in common. She is the one who I thought I would marry after college.

I do not want to loose her in my life.

You're putting too much effort into trying to keep a relationship with her, whether it be as boyfriend/girlfriend or as friends. Right now, you cannot be friends. You can't sit back and watch her with other guys because it's only going to hurt you. You can't hear about it. And by being around her right now, it's inevitable that you will see and hear about them. And you can't build a life on your own if she is still around.

I agree that you need to back away. Is it possible to move to another dorm? Or even another room where you are less likely to run into her so often?

I wouldn't worry too much about dating right now either. You should date someone because they strike your interest, and if your thoughts are on your ex while you're on a date, then the person obviously doesn't strike your interest.

You should also find some activities to fill in your time. A study group, and exercise program, a part-time job, anything to fill in the time so you're not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

It's going to take time to move on, so don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Thanks. Yeah I've been keeping busy allright. I have 3 jobs and various clubs/activities and homework on top of all that. You are right that I cannot be friends with her right now and that I need to focus on myself.

Its very hard when we share much such as the same friends, and the same living arrangement.

It is just so hard to completely let her go. She was my first true love, I lost my virginity to her, and learned so much from her.

And it's okay to feel that way. You SHOULD feel that way, at least for a while! After all, you did love her. I can almost guarantee for you though that the next girl who enters your life will be just as special, though possibly in different ways.

It is going to be hard for sure, but the fact that you have sooo much good things going for you... well, honestly, that gives you a HUGE leg up on most of the people who come on here with a similar story.

Sadly this stuff happens, but you sound like a good guy with a good head on your shoulders. Friendship with her is not realistic right now... it is time for you to be selfish, and concentrate on bettering yourself. Enjoy the college years man! They don't last forever...

The pain is perhaps unbearable now, but you will get over it. Life is full of changes, and experiences like this, that forever change the way you do things. Now you know what love is, and now you can truly find happiness...

Welcome to AMHD!

Thank you all. This is a very inviting and comforting place.

Yes, I am very glad that I have things going for me. At the time we broke up I started thinking that I wasn't good enough and needed to change. It was a stupid thought. I will do my best to keep the distance between the two of us while I rebuild.


When can I start becoming friends with her. I know it will take time.

When can I start becoming friends with her. I know it will take time.

To be honest... once you truly get over this, you won't even ask this question, as it won't matter... you will know the answer to this once you no longer care about the answer to this... confusing, but just think about it.

One of my good friend/mentor told me how she went through the same thing as I did when she used to go to college. She ended up marrying him and they have been having 18+ years of nothing but joy.

This is something I wish could happen to us.

Finding another person who is like her will be very difficult. She had everything I was looking for and than some. There is not one quality that I did not like about her. She was beautiful, smart, social, creative, active, she loved art, she accepted me for who I was as a person and never asked me to change, she helped me grow and become a better person, and finally, she showed me what true love is.

It's not time yet to think about finding someone else, and it will never be time to find someone else like her. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but if you were so perfect for each other, you would still be together. You even said that you were also feeling smothered. There are many women out there who will share your interests and love you for who you are. All you can do now is appreciate what you got out of the relationship and take the lessons you've learned with her into your next relationship to make it stronger and better. You're still focusing on life with her, and while it's going to be hard to let it go, you will slowly find ways to move on and make your life your own.

First, welcome to AMHD, great site, great people. :)

Second, sweetie, love hurts, breakups hurt, moving on isn't easy, but necessary.

We've all been there or will be one day, we remember the pain, the heartache, the feelings of despair, but trust me, this will end.

You need to stop thinking of her, move on with your life (easier said then done), stick to No contact and find happiness without her.

This isn't an easy road, lots of bumps, hurdles and set backs, but you'll be amazed how each day it will be a bit easier. Before you know it you'll be over this, and that's when you can move on, find someone else, and you will find someone else, I guarantee it.

The members here are great. Tal and Kc, Romefalls and others, well, they give great advice on breakups and how to handle them.

Whenever you feel the need to talk, come here, we'll all walk you through it, you don't have to travel the road alone.

Good luck.

Thank you for the support. This is just what I need. Being able to let all my troubles with the relationship off my chest helps a tremendous amount.

So yesterday she had a date and I had a lot of trouble with not knowing what she was doing, when she was coming home, and with whom she was. I tried to occupy myself with anything but it didn't work too well. I called over a friend and together we watched a movie. Later that night when she came home I decided to talk to her about having no contact with each other for a while. I told her how I needed to heal and I couldn't do it while she was around because she would always remind me of what I used to have. Also I would always know when she goes on dates. I explained to her how I needed about 3 weeks or more to fix myself again and that after my healing time I could start being her friend. I told her that I still loved her and that I want to be there for her but I just need some time to adjust. I told her that I want to get back together with her but I will not beg her nor will I be waiting for her. It will be very difficult because we have 3 classes together, participate in ballroom dancing together, and have the same friends. She became somewhat irritated and started to cry. She left the room afterwards. I wanted to follow her and comfort her but I didn't. The next morning (today) I talked to her briefly about the previous night and made sure that she understood my situation. She did understand the situation but was very sad that I could not be her emotional support anymore. I told her that I cannot be there for her emotionally while she is dating others because she would have the best of both worlds.

Well, its hasn't even been a day yet and I feel horrible about my decision. I hope that with time it will get better and I will either be able to move on or become friends with her. I really hope that we do get back together and have again what we used to have.

So yesterday she had a date and I had a lot of trouble with not knowing what she was doing, when she was coming home, and with whom she was. I tried to occupy myself with anything but it didn't work too well. I called over a friend and together we watched a movie. Later that night when she came home I decided to talk to her about having no contact with each other for a while. I told her how I needed to heal and I couldn't do it while she was around because she would always remind me of what I used to have. Also I would always know when she goes on dates. I explained to her how I needed about 3 weeks or more to fix myself again and that after my healing time I could start being her friend. I told her that I still loved her and that I want to be there for her but I just need some time to adjust. I told her that I want to get back together with her but I will not beg her nor will I be waiting for her. It will be very difficult because we have 3 classes together, participate in ballroom dancing together, and have the same friends. She became somewhat irritated and started to cry. She left the room afterwards. I wanted to follow her and comfort her but I didn't. The next morning (today) I talked to her briefly about the previous night and made sure that she understood my situation. She did understand the situation but was very sad that I could not be her emotional support anymore. I told her that I cannot be there for her emotionally while she is dating others because she would have the best of both worlds.

Well, its hasn't even been a day yet and I feel horrible about my decision. I hope that with time it will get better and I will either be able to move on or become friends with her. I really hope that we do get back together and have again what we used to have.

You made an excellent decision, and try your best to stick by it. Don't even think about breaking no contact until you've shaken the desire to hope for a reconciliation. It's okay to flirt with the idea, but only if you can swat it away by realizing its unlikelihood.

I hate how there is no hope of getting back together even if we still love each other. :(

There is a difference between hope and probability.. one is driven by emotion, the other by the brain.

It isn't probable that you two will get back together, yet you HOPE you will. You need to control the "hope" factor in order to heal...

Threads merged


Well, I finally was able to let my ex know a few days ago that I wanted to have no contact with her in order to start my healing process. She somewhat understood but still was very hurt by it. After only one day of no contact, she came into my room and cried her eyes out. I did not support her while she cried because that is why I decided not to have any contact with her in the first place. She broke up with me so that she could see what else there is out there and see if I was the one for her. She still loves me and wants to be with me. But I told her how I cannot be her emotional support while she dates other guys and heal myself at the same time.

So than she brought up this promise I made her before I instilled the no contact rule about how we would go celebrate a recent accomplishment of mine. So, I decided to honor my promise and we hung out the next day. It felt just like what we used to have and we even had sex. Before we went out to dinner I clearly let her know that the next day I was going back to the no contact rule until she has made up her mind about what she wants. She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

The NC rule obviously helped.. she came crying back to you in one day. If she doesn't want to be with you that is out of your control. My girlfriend is currently wanting space and wants to 'find herself'. This sucks. You need to focus on other things as hard as it is and know that you have a long life ahead of you and if she isn't the one someone else will be. I was told this so many times in the past month and I'm starting to believe it. You may not be able to date other girls for months or even a year or more, but one day if this doesn't work out you will be back out there with someone who does know you are what they want. Screw them letting us just sit here and wonder what they are doing and if they are eventually going to come back. Live your life as a single person, not necessarily hooking up with other girls but do whatever you want and talk to whoever you want. If you are what she wants and she loves you enough she will come back. I feel the NC is hurting my chances as well but I hear from friends all of the time she wonders who I'm talking to and if I'm hooking up with girls. She definitely loves you and if it's right she'll realize that you are the one she needs.

She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

So, she wants to eat her cake and have it to? NEVER be anyone's Plan B! She's being extremely immature and selfish here...


We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

The positive effects of No Contact don't happen overnight. You need to give it time to work. Trust in the experience of those who have gone through this before - you'll be glad you did.

She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today. I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.

What do I do?

Uh... well... with just a few billion people in the world it might take a little time for her to be "super sure" she can't find better than you.

*that really isn't a compliment, you know... "my ultimate goal is to be with you long term IF i can't do any better"... really? Really really? *

That's like saying my ultimate goal is to work in this job unless I find something better... or my long term dream is to poop strawberries unless I can't. At best, its not good. Well the strawberry trick might make you some coin, but ick.

NC is about fixing a relationship that is fundamentally broken... problem is, you don't know what "fixing it" means. You think it means she becomes distressed at the thought of losing you and *poof* suddenly all is well. Doesn't necessarily work like that.

She is NOT with you. She might cry to you. Tell you she misses you. Can't be without you. But ultimately she has asked you to step aside while she looks around.

You don't prevent her from leaving you by hanging around. You don't fix anything by keeping her close by.

You are scared she's going to use this time to move on... well, that's possible. When someone calls for a break, its absolutely possible.

Right now you are in denial about what you need to do for yourself. Not for her. Not for the relationship. For yourself, you need to live in the place where she has placed you... outside. And anything you do to supposedly ease the pain by being in contact with her is smoke and mirrors.

NC is about fixing a broken relationship. The one you have with yourself. Right now the desire to keep her close is more important that knowing reality... can she be without you and be OK...

Its something she's willing to see, and you aren't facing by being there.

You are being totally disrespected!

I love you and then there's this big BUT I think I can do better.

If she finds that she can't do better than you're the guy for her?

That is ,until the next time she feels the whim to look for something better.

She sounds like a spoiled child who wants to upgrade and you are being a doormat ,allowing it to happen.

Tell her to go find that *something* she is looking for and allow you to move on because you deserve an upgrade as well.

Yes, I always did feel like I was not good enough for her towards the end. You are all right.

Even if she did decide to come back to you how long till she found something better again?? You can't keep living your life with someone having doubts about whether their going to stay or not.

She sounds totally selfish to me and if she really loved you she wouldn't even be considering this for fear of losing you.

It is SOOO very hard to have NC when all you want is to be with them the way you were. But guess what? Things aren't the way they were. She actually is saying that there's probably better fish out there. So let her swim away. Don't be Plan B as the others have said, because that's what you are to her. For some reason, she doesn't want to be alone, so it makes her feel, oh, so safe and comfortable to know that good 'ole you will be around when she's had enough fishing. She is not in control of your relationship. OR is she? Don't let her have that. Before she takes away all of your self-respect, follow through with the NC. I believe there is someone else better out there for YOU! Best wishes

Eh HELLO?!

This is NOT NC, NC stands for No Contact. That means you don't see her.

Try it properly, it doesn't feel good, none of a break up does! But it does work... OVER TIME.

If not, just go back to being her lapdog, not healing, and waiting for the day she moves on and 'cant understand' why your so p*issed and upset? If you don't go NC, you will be crushed when you realise you were the crutch she leaned on to get her life back in order.


'I'll be with you when I know there's no one else out there'.. WHAT AN F'N B*TCH!!! I would have hit the roof... or crumbled into a ball on the floor, whichever came first! Instead you 'ended things on a good note'???? Dude! You are letting her make a complete a** out of you!

Warning-rated H for harsh and to the point!!




A4Effort;1570212,

Well, I finally was able to let my ex know a few days ago that I wanted to have no contact with her in order to start my healing process. She somewhat understood but still was very hurt by it. After only one day of no contact, she came into my room and cried her eyes out. I did not support her while she cried because that is why I decided not to have any contact with her in the first place.

So why did you let her contact you? Polite, but busy and unavailable would have saved you a lot of drama and being MANIPULATED. Especially since you told her you wanted NC. She blew that out of the water with her water works. Boohooing is the oldest female trick in the book!


She broke up with me so that she could see what else there is out there and see if I was the one for her. She still loves me and wants to be with me. But I told her how I cannot be her emotional support while she dates other guys and heal myself at the same time.

No she didn't, that's what she tells you to keep your nose opens. Just think, what if she does find someone else? If she doesn't it won't be for a lack of effort on her part, but where does that leave you now that your twiddling your thumbs waiting on her to take you back? Sound dumb to you? Please say yes with no "but" to follow.


So than she brought up this promise I made her before I instilled the no contact rule about how we would go celebrate a recent accomplishment of mine. So, I decided to honor my promise and we hung out the next day. It felt just like what we used to have and we even had sex.
But at the end of the day, she went back to looking for Mr Goodbar, even with the sex? Got one word for you,
MANIPULATED
USED
DISRESPECTED
PUNKED OUT
KICKED TO THE CURB... AGAIN!
Okay, I lost count of the words. The bad part is guy, there are a lot more words that apply here, but you can't see any of them. That should be a clue as to what's going on as you have clearly traded your dignity and self respect, for... P***y! And it whupped you again!


Before we went out to dinner I clearly let her knwo that the next day I was going back to the no contact rule until she has made up her mind about what she wants. She told me her ultimate goal is to be with me once she knows for sure that there is nobody else out there for her.

In other words your plan will be ignored, and hers is still fully active, hope you enjoyed the sex.


We ended that night on good terms and I have no clue how she feels today.
Yes you do, you just can't admitt it to yourself, but she is still checking out others and will probably contact you again for some nookie just to keep your nose open and your common sense stuck in your little head, which she owns, and controls.

I do not want her to be okey with the no contact rule because she will use that time and move on from me
You haven't even tried NC.


Just as I am trying (but its not working) to move on and heal myself.
What do I do?

Try NC for real, and stop BSing yourself. At least long enough to get some dignity and self respect back!!!

Well, I can't say that you are wrong. Damn, I feel like a fool again.

So, basically I should not even consider dating her again if she does come back to me. I love her a great deal but everyone is right how she is manipulating me and treating me like crap.

ARE YOU F'N KIDDING???

I wouldn't be able to look at this girl, never mind speak to her!!


Go out with her??


I wouldn't touch her with his?!

How could you possibly think that maybe, kind of, might be a good idea?

It's not.

Stop the pain, and regain a little dignity for god's sake man.


This may seem a little harsh, but you need to do this, and you need to do it now.

1. Do the NC. In two days re-read all of this advice.

2. Continue with NC. Every other day re-read all of this advice.

3. Repeat above steps.

Then when you do take her back and this happens AGAIN, you won't need to re-post your question.

Seriously, I know it's hard. You're not the first. You won't be the last. Learn from this.

So, basically I should not even consider dating her again if she does come back to me. I love her a great deal but everyone is right how she is manipulating me and treating me like crap.

If she did this to you once,she will do it again.
This is not love, she has no love for you.
If this is how she shows love,she is lacking as a human being.

She is spoiled and selfish and lacks any moral fiber... why would you want to be with someone like that?

Do yourself a favor and find someone who is worthy of your devotion and kindness,she will only use it against you!

Well, I am completely done with her. Yes, I did break the No contact rule but this time it was for good. I talked to her about us one last time and it clearly showed me everything.

She told me how she did not want to be with me at this point because she needed space. She needed this space because during the latter part of our relationship we started having problems in many areas. She told me that she wants to be with me, be committed to me, and eventually marry me. But for now she needs to be single. I understand how she needs space and be apart for me because of what happened between us. But, what I told her is I do not understand how she needs to date other guys while she is single. I told her that if she continues dating other guys that eventually she will completely loose me. She said that I was threatening her and manipulating her. I responded by telling her that what I said was a universal truth and would happen to anyone.

F**K it!! I am over her for good. If she truly loved me than she would not go out on dates. Instead she would take her time/space to be alone and think things through.

F**K it!! I am over her for good.

Good ,anger is good ,believe it or not, it is the beginning of one of the many emotions you will experience during the grieving process.

Now you can begin to heal... give yourself time,you have only taken the first step.

Thank you artlady for your help and support. I love your quote. That is my favorite Gandhi quote.

Good ,anger is good ,believe it or not, it is the beginning of one of the many emotions you will experience during the grieving process.

Now you can begin to heal....give yourself time,you have only taken the first step.

*REPEAT POST*

If you read a lot of the literature on various websites etc. they generally come up with 5 stages that go like this...

The Five Stages of a Break Up

Denial:
"I feel fine, we still love each other." “She is still my best friend.” “We will always be in each others' lives.”

Anger:
"It's not fair!?" "I was always there for her and she was never there for me!" “That !” “That !” “She sucked in bed!” “ I couldn’t stand her friends anyway.”

Bargaining:
"If we just go to therapy it will get better." "I promise to visit your parents this Christmas.” “Just give it another chance.”

Depression:
"I can’t stop crying." "I want to die.” “I will never date again.””I’m going to die alone…” “I’m unlovable.”


Acceptance:
"We are better off, not together." ”I am content and happy with myself.” "I welcome a new start."

A4... look, I wish I could say I'm glad you are finally in the right frame of mind, but I'm not. At least not completely. Its not like all is better and happy times are here again.

Its going to suck. Being pi$$ed helps. A lot. The more I was emotionally "kicked in the teeth", the easier it was to fight back when I was mad.

She's not the devil. I think she's conflicted and confused... but I also think she has her best interests in mind, not yours.

You are not over her.

That crap takes time to shake. Some days are good. Some nights suck like hell. Its just the truth.

So... glad you're getting a little pi$$ed. You should be and you need to be.

I'm not one to prescribe playing mind games. I think its dangerous. But IF she ever comes back, you need to be in a power position... where you feel like its your choice, not hers. That she needs to be with you and she's willing to risk a lot for that.

She has a lot to prove to you.

You don't have anything to prove to her.

Please remember that.

Yes, you are just mad now, it will turn to missing again before it is all over, and if you "break the rule just one more time" it just makes it worst again.

No contact works, but it will be a couple months before you are ready to say you are over and still won't be completely

she has a lot to prove to you.

you dont have anything to prove to her.

please remember that.

This statement really hit home and I never thought about it this way.

I just wish this would process would go a little bit faster because it is affecting my life in ways it shouldn't. It is affecting my school work and my social life. I wish I did not live two rooms down from her because I can see her anytime even if I am doing my best to keep no contact with her.

yes, you are just mad now, it will turn to missing again before it is all over, and if you "break the rule just one more time" it just makes it worst again.

No contact works, but it will be a couple months before you are ready to say you are over and still won't be completely

Very true! After two full months of NC I thought I was "over her" and then along comes an email from her to say Hi and see how I was doing and I feel I took a step back by replying. Now I miss her again and even felt like calling her tonight. But I didn't break NC dammit!!

I guess we just have to go back to NC and keep moving forward, little by little it gets easier but it is EXTREMELY important that you do not know ANYTHING about her. This is key to not thinking about her and getting hurt with new info which you don't really need to know.

Good luck

It is so hard not to know anything because she lives so close to me and we have the same friends.

Maybe its time to get your own life without her in it.

Easier said than done. I do not want to get new friends just because of what happened between us two. But I did start new activities that I was not able to participate in while with her due to the amount of time I had available.

No one is saying get "new" friends. Girlfriends come and go, but good friends... well, they are truly hard to find. I think what Tal was suggesting (correct me if I am wrong), is to look for activities and other friends to hang out with, just in case your current friends are hanging out with your ex... it is always good to take a breather away from things that may bring up old wounds... especially, old, fresh wounds. You seem to be doing a fine job of getting involved in activities, which is good. Just keep it up, and soon your life will be jammed with positive things that have NOTHING to do with her...

I agree and that is something that I have been working on. I have been hanging out with this one friend of mine a lot more lately because she is not friends with my ex. I have been going to places I usual have not gone before and started all these new activities that I wished I did before. These two things really do help a lot with the process.


Now, I know I am in a messed up situation and will be for a while during my healing process. But, what if she decides to come back? What should I do? Even though she did this to me, I still love her. I told her before that I would only get back with her if she is committed and will not have any regrets anymore.

But I don't think I can make any radical decisions while I am still not over her. How would I go about this?

You don't worry about the what ifs in life... What if Halle Berry walked into your room naked? What if Megan Fox wanted to marry me?

You see, it just isn't worth the effort to give things out of your control, a second thought.

What if you just moved on with your life??

Well, I know that I should not be thinking of the what ifs. But she did clearly say to me that she wants to be with and just needs some time off to be single and experience. I know this sounds like a big old lie and I am not hoping and wishing for this to happen. I am not counting on her to go through with what she said but she does want to be with me in the end. I just don't know if I could take her back.

Well, I know that I should not be thinking of the what ifs. But she did clearly say to me that she wants to be with and just needs some time off to be single and experience. I know this sounds like a big old lie and I am not hoping and wishing for this to happen. I am not counting on her to go through with what she said but she does want to be with me in the end. I just don't know if I could take her back.

Are you high? Read that and tell me what it sounds like? I want some time to HAVE FUN with other guys, and don't want to be tied down...will you wait for me? Just sit on the porch, until I let you in...
Man, WAKE up! Don't wait around like some puppy until she is finished having fun... you are more deserving than that.

Basically to continue on what KC was saying. Your ex is saying, without the harshness of words that " I want to play the field of d*cks, but when I am done getting my fill, I might come back if I get bored or find that nothing else is out there"

If you want to wait around for one girl, then do it, but she is telling you she isn't waiting around for you.

We know that you love this girl. And you will for a while. What you keep forgetting is that she does not love you. If she really did love you, she wouldn't even consider treating you this way. She would not be able to stand seeing you in pain. She would think about you every moment of every day, and not be thinking about the other guys she could be dating. She would not treat you like a used car that she took out for a test drive... wanting to test drive a few more before she makes her final decision. You are not a used car. You are a person with feelings.

Honey, you keep making excuses here. There's nothing you've mentioned that there isn't an answer for. You live 2 doors down from her. Well try to move. If not to another building, then at least to another floor. Ask someone to trade with you. If you REALLY wanted to, you would find a way. As for your friends, they care about you too. Talk to them. Explain that you don't want to be put into a position of being around her. They will be sensitive to that and do all they can to help you avoid it. And how you feel about her is completely irrelevant to how she is treating you.

Do you WANT to keep feeling like this? If you do, just keep doing as you have been. If you really do want to heal, it will take time, but if you listen to what everyone here is telling you, it will get easier and easier. We've all been through it and we know how you feel. We really do sympathize with you, but in the end, only YOU can do what you need to do in order to get over her.

I'm going to throw in one more old cliché here to give you something to think about. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I think this is what happened with you. I think you are a whole lot more in love with her now that you can't have her than you were when you were in the relationship. You've said that neither of you was really happy in the end. And yet here you are, feeling as though your world has been torn apart. You need to spend some time thinking about what was WRONG in the relationship. You need to focus on why the relationship would not work. Because even if she comes back to you (and I don't think she will), I can almost promise you it's not going to be the fairytale ending you are hoping for. It will do nothing but prolong the hurt.

There really is such a thing as true love. I'm living it, so I know it's there. Until my husband, I didn't believe in it. But in spite of the years of difficulty we had in our relationship, the way he looked at me when he put that ring on my finger and the tears in both our eyes just proved to me that we were meant to be together. We had always known it. And when you meet that right one for you, you will just know it. I can't explain how. You just will. And there will be NO doubts for either one of you.

There really is such a thing as true love. I'm living it, so I know it's there. Until my husband, I didn't believe in it. But in spite of the years of difficulty we had in our relationship, the way he looked at me when he put that ring on my finger and the tears in both our eyes just proved to me that we were meant to be together. We had always known it. And when you meet that right one for you, you will just know it. I can't explain how. You just will. And there will be NO doubts for either one of you.

Everyone, together now!! : AWWWWWWWWWWW :)

While I empathize with your feelings, been there done that, no way am I going to let you sit on a pity pot, and be abused by this female, who has your nose open, and has you stuck on stupid. Harsh I know, but you really need you to see your intense feelings of rejection, and shock, has your mind playing tricks on you, making you blind to the obvious. She is screwing around, and has you as her pet, waiting for crumbs and your so attached that you are going for it. What if she doesn't give you any more crumbs? Think man, and stand up for yourself, and get her from under your skin by getting busy making yourself happy without her. Time and NC will heal you, so you can make better decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just feelings.

Ok, so I just want to make sure I am making the right decision to move on and live my life without her.

She has not had many experiences and she is young. She feels like committing to me me so early on will make her regret it later, hence why she would like to take a break and gain more experience by dating others casually without getting into a relationship. In her family, the women have been hurt by the men they dated and she does not want to be hurt like her family did. She does not want to hurt me by staying with me and later having these thoughts. She still loves me and said that she wants to be with me and eventually marry me one day but needs to space to make sure that she is doing the right thing by committing to me this early on in her life.

So, considering all of what is written above, it is best if I left her and lived my life without her because I do not deserve this type of treatment. Right?

All she is doing is trying to excuse her behaviour. If it was true that she knows she wants to marry you, she wouldn't need to test drive the other cars. Period.

She is doing the grass is greener on the other side, but maybe I will return to my lawn when I see how the mow theirs.

Oh and just to expand on my point, you want to know why they appear to have the greenest grass? Because they use the best bullsh*t around buddy

This anger is doing wonders for me. I am able to accept the fact that I will be OK without her and eventually will find someone else. What she is doing to me is wrong and makes me feel like I am plan B. Thankfully, my close friends are there to support me and guide me through this situation.

Also, this thread has given me a lot of courage and advice to move on. I will probably come back to it with changed feelings but I will do my best to work through this.

I can bet that you will go through times where you miss her, where you hate her, where you want her back and where you wish you never met her. You are going to get on one hell of a roller coaster my ride, but the end is well worth the ride.

Haha, I feel like I am going through those feelings every hour. One minute I am strong and angry, and than the next minute I am sad and want her to come back to me.


But still deep inside me, I want to be with her and spend the rest of my time with her.

Absolutely normal my friend... just be strong enough to stay on this ride, otherwise you will be taking yourself back to square 1 over and over and over and... yeah...

Look... this I don't know if you posted all the details in earlier threads (im too damn lazy to waste my life reading) and I know at some point threads were merged... but ill take a guess...

You are either in college or in an apt complex... young 20's... this is probably your first Big Love?

Here's the deal. You will drive yourself crazy. Its going to happen.

You are going to wonder who she is with and what she is doing.

You are going to wonder if you are enabling her to step away from you.

You are going to wonder if you are going to find someone you can trust and connect with again like her.

You are going to wonder, if she comes back, how do you trust it is for real?

Most young, Big Loves, are intense, unbelievable, and they last for a time. Not all time, but for a time.

I don't think my first big love (HS, college, med school) intended to screw me over... but she did. I guess that makes her less evil. Honest truth is we had a really intense love that was great for a time, for that time, but not for all time.

Thank GOD I didn't marry her. We had plans. Ideas. A future.

We were right together for that time.

Now... another thing you'll maybe fall into is comparing too much. One love to the next. And there will be a next love, even if it feels so far away. I was depressed and frustrated when I couldn't find another to connect to for over a year... then, suddenly, there were three great women interested in me. Life is just screwed and wacked like that.

Uhm... whatthehell was my point? I confuse myself.

I guess it was to say its never as bad as it seems at the time. Its usually not as big as it seems at the time. And allow yourself to be pissed.

We all hope our ex's are out there, pining for us, wondering if we miss them as much as they supposedly miss us.

Well... I doubt nicole thinks about me when she's screwing another man. I don't think the "evil jen" was thinking about me when she was cheating on me. Your ex girlfriend (and she is your ex) might not be "evil" at all... she might love you honestly, but know in her heart that its too early for her to be tied down to anyone person.

That isn't evil.

Even her thinking she might come back to you someday isn't evil. Its just misguided.

You are both young. You both have some learning and growing to do, and that involved getting through some hurt. And being a little pi$$ed, like I said, isn't the worst way to muck your way through this.

My ex might not be missing me enough to reconcile, but I'm damn sure happy to make her think I'm moving on... and if she wanted to be with me, shed better be forceful, direct, and sure about it.

So... sorry you are in this place. Most of us have been where you are in some form or another. Good news is that, whatever happens, you are learning about yourself, your needs, and what makes a relationship work. Bad news is its no fun, even when you know what might be coming.

look... this i dont know if you posted all the details in earlier threads (im too damn lazy to waste my life reading) and i know at some point threads were merged... but ill take a guess...

you are either in college or in an apt complex... young 20's... this is probably your first Big Love? Bingo

your ex gf (and she is your ex) might not be "evil" at all... she might love you honestly, but know in her heart that its too early for her to be tied down to anyone person.

that isnt evil.

even her thinking she might come back to you someday isnt evil. its just misguided.
That is why I wish we met later down the road. Instead of having met early and fallen into love.



Your are the first one to say that she is not evil for having those thoughts in her head. But like you said, they are misguided. If she does comeback I need to think carefully, if I am going to regret anything since she is my first true love. If she does not come back than I hope I do not regret having lost her. Either way I have learned much about myself that will be used to benefit any future relationship that I partake in.

I just can't believe how I never had those thoughts that she had even when we were experiencing the bad side of our relationship. I always knew that I could spend the rest of my life with her.

But I could not believe how she could indirectly make me question myself about my character and who I was as an individual.

Well... I guess id be harder on her if I haven't done some of the same. While I never cheated on any big love (and two cheated on me) I did hurt at least one girl without meaning to. Make that two.

It wasn't malicious. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. But wasn't ready to be in a relationship (after starting a relationship)... it happens.

Hate to say it, but in some way, this has made you face what most of us have to face at some point... our preconceptions about love and relationships... what work is worth doing and what isn't... what you should expect to put into it and what you should demand for yourself first, no matter the outcome.

So... I don't think what she's asking you to do (wait, knowing she might come back) is good for you at all. But that doesn't make her evil necessarily. I think she's young, inexperienced, and in a big new world. She's not the first person to be talked about on these threads as being in a close relationship but wanting room because of the draw of the unknown.

That doesn't make her evil... as much as itd be easier to label her as such... but it might make her wrong for you, no matter what connection you had.

Looking back, I wish each relationship ended differently for the most part... only one big love ended kindly... but I can tell you that, in time, whether you are ever together again or not, you will see this experience as a critical step toward understanding what it means to be in love, to be loved, and to know yourself better without losing yourself in any relationship.

Just sucks to be you right now.

You live and you learn. I been through so much stuff in my life and I learned so much from those experiences. After those experiences I thought that I could never be hurt as bad. But I was wrong. The worst part is, and what makes this whole experience so much worse, is that I went through a genocide as a child. That event caused me never to show any emotions to anyone else and made it hard for me to show emotions to someone close to me. People only saw me as a happy person because I never showed any signs of weakness. Once she came along though, everything changed and I opened up. I felt love and all other emotions. I started accepting that hiding my emotions was wrong. Now that she left I feel like I am taking a step back and going back to hiding my feelings because I won't be able to trust anyone who tries to come close to me.


Edit: I was doing great all day, than I get to my psych class and see her there. I didn't sit near her or have any contact but I still was able to see her. It made me feel sad, that I was not with her and that I had to ignore her. I saw that it was bothering her too though. Well, here is the down part, I hope it goes up from here again.

Oh and on top of that, my stupid self decided to text her and now she will be calling me later to discuss why I was this rude to her today. I'm just going go ahead in kick myself in the head now.

You fell stumbled and fell down. Pick yourself back up and keep moving. Learn to forgive yourself for having a weak moment and believe that you CAN do this! None of us are born knowing how to walk right out of the womb. When we try to walk for the first time we will all stumble and fall at least few times.

Don't let it get you down, don't give up!

I am, however, wondering what you mean by she will be calling you to discuss how rude you were? Is this over the fact that you ignored her in class?

She said that I am being rude because I am threatening her because I told her that the more guys she dates, the more she will loose me. Also, today I returned a belonging of hers back to her. She says she loves me but she can't handel the way I am treating her in such an inappropriate manner.

You're treating her in an innappropriate manner? And she feels she's been treating you appropriately? She needs a good hard look in the mirror.

Also, sometimes she will say that I am manipulating her because I switch my emotions constantly. One day I am I want to be with her and the other day I cut her off completely.

Its funny though because I just read another thread about bad break up lines and she used the first one: If its meant to be than it will happen.

But yet, even after all this bull, I still want to be with her.

She said that I am being rude because I am threatening her because I told her that the more guys she dates, the more she will loose me. Also, today I returned a belonging of hers back to her. She says she loves me but she can't handel the way I am treating her in such an inappropriate manner.

Let me get this straight - she's the one who wanted space and wanted to "experience" life, but you're the bad guy here? I understand you're the one who broke things off but that's only because she didn't have the strength to do so herself. Don't let her play the victim in this! Have the respect in yourself to not be manipulated by her this way. There is absolutely NOTHING for you to discuss with her. Cut off the contact and let things be. She wanted space? Give it to her. You owe her NOTHING.

Wanting something doesn't mean you should have it. I wand to eat chocolate all day long. But I know how bad it's going to make me feel if I do. You just have to be strong. I will agree with one thing she said though... one day you treat her as though you want to be with her and the next day you try the no contact thing and she feels as though she's being ignored. Switching back and forth is confusing to both of you and you really have to try to find a way to stop doing it. Tell her straight out that you want no further contact with her, that she made her decision and so you are moving on with your life, and leave it at that. No long, drawn out conversations, no apologies needed, no crying, just move on. It will be best for both of you at this point.

Don't worry about the text. Let's just call that a relapse. Try the NC. Don't answer the phone if she calls. You can do this. You can't be in limbo. That's no fun for either of you. You know... breaking up is hard to do. She needs to know what it feels like to miss you! Good luck

Aww... man, I feel for you. I'm also going through almost exactly the same thing with my girl. Except, I have been doing something really stupid. I keep trying to pull her back in, by doing little things for her, and trying to stay in contact with her. Even though I know that she has made up her mind (i really want to be with you(in the end) but i just have to see whats out there) I still do those little things that I hope will bring her back, but I know that everything I try and do just (pushes her a little further away) so she says. But now I have realized that, that is just her way of making herself "the victim," in something that she has started.

If somebody feels this is wrong(or right) please let me know.

But you... I guess I'm just trying to say is: I feel for you man. And that you are doing way good and taking some awesome steps in resolving this. In fact, you have helped me a whole lot just by me reading about this. I actually have never thought about the whole NC thing before. But the only problem is, now, she says I've pushed her so far away(with the little things) that she doesn't even want to talk anymore. Yet she says she still says she loves me, and "hopes" maybe it will all work out in the end. And we could still come back together in the end.? watdafrixup? Its all just part of her little game to make herself feel like the victim.

You know... I'm glad that heavenly father gives us these little obstacles to help us learn, but comon man... seriously.
But oh well... we just have to remember that there is I greater plan set for us. We just need to have faith that our heavenly father knows a hecka lot more than we do and that he knows what he's doing. And he's only going to do what he knows will make us truly happy in the end.

So what do you say we just let go and enjoy the few years we have left to be single and to really have some fun. You know... go out and do all those things we've always dreamt about doing. It's a great chance to do something fun while you still can. And who knows... maybe after I while of learning more about herself, she might come back. And it'll be hard to let her back in if that's the case. If not then oh well. But no matter what happens, we can still say: "hey, i actually did something with MY life... i actually progressed. and it was FUN:)" and then we can ask her: "what did you get out of this?" haha, and she won't know what to say, besides: "uh... i had fun:/" or maybe it will be: "i met the love of my life:)" but whatever it is, we can always stand strong... because we KNOW... it was surely for the best.

So have fun bra;) and lets try not to let them hold us back from seeing the beauty of life. because life is truly AMAZING.. . If you give it a chance.

~peace

Oh my friends have I sunk to a new low. So she called me yesterday and we talked. Big mistake. We argued and she kept on telling me how inconsistent I have been. I argued back with her and told her my story. Neither of us gained anything. It probably separated us for good because before hand in my stupid head I still believed that she was coming back. She said that she talked to her mother about how I have been behaving towards her. Her mother explained to her how the same thing happened when she divorced her husband. So basically, I fell down and belittled myself. She is actually right about certain parts and the way I have been behaving. She understands that I need space and no contact but my stupid butt has been doing things during the NC period to make things worse.

Great... I feel just great!!

a4effort: why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up!

Yeah, I just can't stand these high's and low's. She was/is my first true love and I am doing everything wrong to let her go and everything wrong to gain her back. I just can't wait for my vacation.

Your problem is you keep focusing on getting her back. The idea of no contact isn't to give her space. It's to give you space so you can learn to move on with your life. Talking to her isn't helping. The "just one more conversation" isn't getting you anywhere.

Well, you are totally right but I just can't seem to move on from her. She had such a big impact on my life that I can't just let go.

Well, you are totally right but I just can't seem to move on from her. She had such a big impact on my life that I can't just let go.

You just have to give it more time... and more time... and some more. This isn't supposed to happen over night, othrewise it wouldn't be called love. Patience... learn it, live it, love it!

Haha you would think that after an 8 page thread I would have learned something.

There is no shame in this... I was told, OVER and OVER again to do exactly what we have been telling you, and I, countless times, ignored the advice, thinking that my situation was different. Finally, after slamming my head into a brick wall one too many times, I woke up, an started listening to everyone... Thank God I did! You will get there too.

Kc is right, he broke NC a few times and didn't follow our advice, hell we all did. Countless times I didn't follow the advice and found myself asking why. But then I got serious about NC and went 5 1/2 months of it until she tried talking to me and I felt like I was done and responded

Well, I am back to being sad again and afraid that I will lose her. I know that I need to move on. I know that I will find someone else. I know I will be happy again. I know I will learn from this experience. I know not to have no contact with her. I know she might not come back. I know I will heal.

I know all this but I feel like the world crumbled around me. I am not happy with having no contact with her. I am not happy with my own personal free time because every time I have fsome free time, all I do is think of her.

A4effort, go out and buy an xbox360(shameless plug) and then get XBoxlive(another plug) and then start playing some games. I am online from time to time when I get an chance, I'll game with you and even explain over the mic why you are better without her.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've learned lots! But putting it into action is a whole lot harder than words on a screen. You will get through this.

Oh and on top of that, my stupid self decided to text her and now she will be calling me later to discuss why I was this rude to her today. I'm just going go ahead in kick myself in the head now.

Well you are only human and subject to weakness just like the rest of us.

Learn from this small relapse.

Regarding your previous post where you mention living through a genocide,first let me say I am very sorry for your pain.

You held your emotions in during that crisis in your life and now you fear that you will regress back to that behavior.

What you did then was an absolute tool for your emotional survival.

By regressing back to that now when you are free from the threat would be to deny yourself the emotional freedom to live life to the fullest.

Don't cheat yourself that way.Not all relationships are going to end this way and you have to believe that when one door is closed another opens,even if you can't see it at the time.I know that sounds very cliché but there is a real element of truth there.I am 54 yr.old and I have seen this so many times as to know that it is a fundamental truth.

Stay strong and don't be afraid to love or express yourself... don't cheat you!

I highly doubt she truly means any disrespect by what she said or is saying to you, although at face-value it is disrespectful. The more break-ups you have the better you'll be at discerning stuff like this.

She's probably jealous of her single girlfriends and you weren't an over-bearing, jealous boyfriend so she felt she could leave the relationship safely. If you were an assh**le, she may have stayed with you because she felt she had to, but that don't mean she'd really want to.

You can't expect to cut all ties with your ex right from the start. Recovering from a break-up is just like rehabilitating from an addiction, there's bound to be a relapse.

It's a damn shame you two go to the same school, even worse that you're in the same dorm. Next semester, get an apartment.

Thank you slapshot_oi and artlady. Your responses are very helpful and supporting.

Today, I had one FINAL (and this time I mean it, FINAL) talk with her about everything. I just wanted to end everything on good terms. There were some things that we still didn't agree on but we were able to understand each other well and how this needs to happen for both of us. We both still love each other and maybe one day when we meet again, we might discuss us and our relationship. I am not waiting or hoping for this moment and right now I will be taking this time to be single. That way I can rebuild myself. Afterwards, I will attempt to seek another relationship if that is something I am looking for at that time.

Even though this talk went as I wanted it to, I still feel like just crying and I am not the one to cry. With what happened in the past I have always hidden my emotions from others and myself.

Thank you slapshot_oi and artlady. Your responses are very helpful and supporting.

Today, I had one FINAL (and this time I mean it, FINAL) talk with her about everything. I just wanted to end everything on good terms. There were some things that we still didn't agree on but we were able to understand each other well and how this needs to happen for both of us. We both still love each other and maybe one day when we meet again, we might discuss us and our relationship. I am not waiting or hoping for this moment and right now I will be taking this time to be single. That way I can rebuild myself. Afterwards, I will attempt to seek another relationship if that is something I am looking for at that time.

Even though this talk went as I wanted it to, I still feel like just crying and I am not the one to cry. With what happened in the past I have always hidden my emotions from others and myself.

I'm glad you were able to end things on good terms, many don't even get that chance. I think you're taking a good positive attitude towards this situation. It is going to be hard for awhile, but I'm sure you can do this. Whenever you're feeling down or just need to let things out - I hope you know that you can come back to this forum anytime and tell us how you're feeling or even to just keep us updated on your progress (which I hope you do).

I will make sure just to do that. There is still a long process ahead of me in healing myself.

Oh man! Today, I am experiencing another low. It seems the more time passes the more sad I get. I keep telling myself she is not coming back and am trying to keep busy. But my thoughts always go back to her. I really do think she is my true love but I can't do anything to be back with her.

Sorry to hear about your bad day, but it's to be expected. There's nothing wrong with you. There's a void right now. You have these feelings and this love but no place for it to go. It's normal.

During these stages of a break up you go back and forth from denial, sadness and anger. Detaching is heart-wrenching. Literally physically painful. Eventually you'll get to acceptance. It will happen.

I do agree that there's nothing you can do or say. Just keep busy. Being with other people--friends and family--and doing things you enjoy always helped me when I was in your shoes. We've all been where you are. Hang in there : )

There is no One True Love.

Period.

I love my wife dearly. She's a great woman. Smart, funny, sexy, motivated. Id like to think she loves me dearly too. ;) you'd have to ask her. I think she does.

Kidding aside... if I kicked the bucket today, I don't believe for one moment that there isn't another man on this earth that couldn't be good to her and good for her.

Its not that I'm indispensable. I'm just not that damn unique, with several billion peeps running around.

Likewise, I don't think for one moment it diminishes my love for her to say that, if we weren't together, in time I could find another love as true and right as hers.

I dispise the term Soul Mate.

On the boards here you usually see that used when someone is trying to elevate their relationship above all others, so "normal" logic can be ignored or doesn't apply... or they are young and haven't experienced several good loves.

So... as I've said before here on this thread... its going to suck.

You are going to have highs when you feel like you are doing the right thing... and then there will be days, or most likely nights, when your skin is almost crawling you are so out of place.

Been there myself.

Knowing where you need to be for yourself just doesn't shake off the lows that you are going to experience.

Hell... I felt like crap for almost a year with my first Big Love Lost.

Eventually I got bored, more pi$$ed at her, and finally... FINALLY... I met another good woman. Sure, even that relationship didn't last, but it was a step forward.

So expect to feel like crap. Its going to happen.

Today, is a great example of the ups and downs. I started of sad as it can be. But than she texted me and said she was feeling like crap. I broke the rule once again but it ended in my favor. I told her I was not feeling well either. She asked me what I was going to do to get better and I said continue listening to my head instead of my heart. Once I told her that she did not text me back and I did not care about how she felt. But who knows how long this strong moment will last.

Hey, Kp2171 said it all. He is 100% correct. Could not have been said better.

There really is no such thing as a soul mate. There are many different women with whom you can be perfectly happy, content, in-love and compatible.

That's how you learn about yourself and who you are and what you want.

Yeah, the lows suck, and he's right, the nights are worse. Only the passage of time and less and less contact (preferably no contact--you seem to be weaning yourself) is going to heal you.

A broken heart needs time to heal just like a broken bone. No one said it would be easy. But we are all saying that it will get better and better.

Yeah, well its funny because I am so no to this "love" thing. Nobody ever told me things such as what has been told to me above about soul mates, etc...

I am just bouncing high and low with my emotions. Today I started sad, than became confident, and now the second I came home from work I became sad again. Her door was open and my stupid head decided to go in there and casually talk for a little bit about her day. Afterwards, I decided to go into my room where I am now but I have the bigget urge to be with her. I keep telling myself "DO NOT GO TO HER" and it almost seems like I am fighting with myself. I have 3 midterms this coming week so I have plenty to do but my head just can't focus.

Every time you break NC you get a temporary fix and then you feel worse after.

It's not easy but it takes time , so start healing by being vigilant with NC. Otherwise your just delaying the process.

Ok, I deleted her phone number off my speed dial and phone, I removed her as a Facebook friend, and hid (not throw out because I couldn't get myself to do it) every little thing of hers that was in my room.

It hurts so bad to have to do this and I feel like horrible. The last time we spoke she told me that she wants to be with me (and I know her feelings are true) but right now she just needs space. She is not even going on dates anymore. She says once she comes back she will be ready to commit for a long period and into marriage. But now the fact that she is 19 and so young, she cannot get herself to commit to me. I never asked her to commit to me for that long. All I asked her was that she would not regret being with me if another man came along.

I will do my best this week before vacation to adhere by the NO CONTACT rule. I need to do this for myself, otherwise a.) I will lose her forever and b.) I will never heal and be ready to move on.

Well, she just found out that I removed her from Facebook. She barged into my room and asked if I did that to her. I said yes and told her that I also removed her from my phone and hid all the stuff she gave me. She didn't say a word but tears started showing and she went back to her room.


I feel horrible for causing her this pain but it needs to be done. I HATE THIS SO MUCH!!

Think of the pain she's causing you , it was her choice remember.

Time to start worrying about yourself , not her.

She's hurt, too, because she really does want you to be around for her when SHE decides she wants a committed relationship.

I'll say it again, time needs to pass without contact. It's the best thing for you both to cool off, collect your thoughts and find out who each is without the other.

She knows she needs to go out and meet the world, and you know, she isn't all wrong. You both need to do that. 19 is way to young to be committing yourself for the rest of your life.

She is wrong, however, to expect you to be able to handle going from boyfriend to instant best friend and hearing about her dates with other guys!! That's craziness. If you were to have that kind of friendship, which you may, it could not happen for some time.

I agree with the statements above. Every time you do have contact, it's like ripping off the band-aide. Stop the bleeding=NC

Well, since I did not have any will do study, I decided to hang out with some friends who invited me to this pancake night. I met couple new people and had fun. I did not think about my situation and had fun.

BUT, as I was walking to my room, my ex walked put the bathroom and we met face to face in front of another friend. She was very upset and clearly has been crying the whole time I was gone. She knew that I left with friends and that I had fun. I told her I wish I could be there to comfort her but I can't at this point. She understood and told me to go. She said that she is not sure if what she wants is what she actually wants.

Survivor07: You are totally right. There is a part of me that does not blame her for doing what she is doing but there is also a large part that does not understand her completely. She is 19 and I am 20 and that is way too young to commit to each other. I do know that once she goes home for break, her parents will straighten her out and make her OK being away from me. I will need to recover and heal fast so that when she does come back from break I will be able to accept this new change. I will need a lot of support if this happens over break because I want her to be happy but I do not want her to loose all relationship related feelings towards me.

Don't worry, her feelings are going to be there for a while. It's a shame you see her so much. Since total NC is impossible, the mature thing is to be civil. Sounds like you were this time.

"Recover and heal fast" LOL If only it were that easy... The pancake night, going out, new people--you're on your way : )

You wanting her to be happy is nice, especially since you've been so hurt and angry.

She's conflicted, confused. A break at home isn't going to fix that. She'll still be confused when she gets back. Leaving the comfort zone (you) is not easy.

The good part is some real NC will be taking place.

Then go from there. Have fun and TRY to study. That's why you're there!!

So I ignored her, moved on, and started having fun again. She on the other hand realized that I moved on and decided to come back to me. She said that I cannot image my life without you and I want to be committed to you. She said once I decided to just say "f** you, I am moving on," she wanted me back. She said that the strength I displayed was very attractive. I told her I need to think about it because she has hurt me greatly and that it would take a lot of time to regain her trust. So I need to decide if I want to explore myself and move on or take her back and work on what we had.

WOW!! That was great... She took you back...
That will probably last for another 6 months till she regains control and you become little biy again with no balls and she will toss you to the kerb agaibn.

Maybe get some knackers cause I reckon she has been running the relationship. Yourve done the right thing here and obviously you want to be with her, but please this time show her your in charge, if she isn't happy then so be it!! This girl cam back cause you showed some backbone!! Keep it up or you wikl soon be gone again!
Good work...

No easy answer here.

Getting back together doesn't mean much if the root causes of your troubles are not solved. Sure... I'm not surprised that your showing backbone has her intrigued. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe it's a real reality check. Maybe it's a side of you she didn't expect. Maybe she's afraid you are moving on before her and shed rather be the one to be over you first.

When someone breaks up with you, or pushes the situation to that edge, they've been thinking about it for some time, most of the time. You might be kicked in the teeth and completely disoriented, but chances are, they've been living with the breakup on their mind for some time. I know that you, technically, broke up with her, but really... c'mon... she cornered you. Forced your hand. You at least had the guys to say "no way" to hanging around and waiting.

You shouldn't have to say "screw you" to get a person to pay attention to you. She might have a genuine change of heart... but id really hold back at this point.

What do you have to prove to her? Nothing. She has a lot to prove to you. She doesn't take you back, you take her back. Or not.

I know NC is hard to do based on your living so close, friends, etc. fine.

Like mckensie said, if you let her back in, you need to do what is right for you and not focus on what is right for the relationship. You don't need to be a pr!ck to be in control of yourself... and bending to her whims isn't going to get you anywhere but back in this same place.

At this point, I don't trust her.

Even if I honestly believe what she's said, I don't trust that any of the issues are solved. At her age, a desire to explore, even when in a loving relationship, is common and natural. I don't think those feelings are gone... just being repressed for the time being.

And on your side... remember NC isn't about winning someone back. Its about clearing your head and thinking about what is right for you. If she doesn't come back and you choose to let her back in, fine. Your call. Just know the moment you start focusing on her and on you two as a couple, you are perhaps giving up some of that clarity you had when you took that needed, hard step back.

So... if you are back together, make sure you are still holding back some... you need that perspective... and you need her to talk about what she was feeling and what is different now.

Seeing that you were moving on isn't enough to make things right in the long run. That's just a fear of being left behind.

Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just afraid. I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time. I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life. I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do. I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.

I am affraid that I will not find someone like her


Right now you may feel like you will not be able to find someone else like here, but in all reality there are a million other women that you will again someday feel like you will never find anyone else like them. Breakups are hard, but time doesn't stand still while you sit and feel bad about all of this. Make the best of your time, and look look for all of the happiness that is all around you.

A4, I really don't think this is a wise idea. There hasn't been much time to think about things or put the relationship into proper perspective. Sure everything feels like it is falling back into place because she's coming back, but examine her reasons for coming back, because she thought she was losing you. Which means, to me, that she views you as a possession, something that is hers and when you are always right there for her, she has nothing to worry about. And when she feels she is losing you, she tosses on the waterworks and then you are hooked right in.

Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just affraid. I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time. I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life. I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do. I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.

Nothing has been fixed! What is going to be any different?
She has proven again that she has the upper hand and you have not done any work on the relationship.
Loving is the easy part ,it just is. Keeping it together and healthy takes work.Work can only happen if both people are on the same page and have the same realistic expectations.All that has been learned is that she could crush your world in a minute.
You need to get some books for couples and study them together.
Don't get so caught up in being back together that you forget what got you split.You can't just sweep it under the rug and expect everything to work out because you have love on your side.I wish you the best and I really hope you work work work to make this relationship as healthy as possible!

A4Effort;1584384, Well, I decided to take her back but I made a clear point to her that I do not trust her yet because I do not know if her feelings are genuine or if she was just afraid.
Would love to know what she said to that!

I told her that we need to work on our relationship in order not for the bad things to repeat themselves. I asked her for space and time.
So you got back together, and need time and space? You had that without her, already. Failing to see how thats constructive.

I also told her that she has a lot to prove to me because I do not believe that she can commit to me this early in her life.
Thats more of a threat, than a reasonable request, and I again fail to see how this is constructive. Your setting up some unreasonable boundaries that may have her trying to please you and not out of love and care. Sounds more like punishment for past behavior and a way to get revenge by her stroking your ego. Whats the good in that? Not very healthy approach to partners working together.

I do not want marriage or anything but I do want a meaningful relationship with a person who feels the same way I do.
So to stay with you, which is questionable, she has to jump thru hoops to please you, and you think that means she feels as you do? Think again, as your setting the boundaries for what she should do for you, but what about some equality here for how she feels. That would be working together, as opposed to her doing what YOU want her to do.


I will see how the next 2-3 months go and decide if her feelings are genuine before I put my full support into the relationship again.

So unless she meets your standards, you will not give this relationship your full support?? Whats the point of getting back together if your going to have all your preconditions? Thats not what a healthy caring loving relationship is all about, so again, whats the point in being together again?

This sounds more like revenge and control to me, and that would be a recipe for disaster, and a waste of time.

Sorry guy, I just don't see this working.

This is not going to work out, you are putting far too much stress and boundaries to her. Relationships are and will forever be 50/50, and you flat out said you aren't going to give it your all until she wins you over. This is emotional terrorism at its best, you make her feel beneath you, yeah that's a great way to keep a girl. See you in a month wondering why she left your arse.

Would love to know what she said to that!
She said that my feelings are understandable and that with time things will work out. She said that we both need to work on things so that we do not make the same mistakes.

So you got back together, and need time and space? You had that without her, already. Failing to see how thats constructive.
I need time to slowly get back into the relationship because we went from relationship to break up and back to a relationship in all less than a month. Everything cannot be perfect right away, especially since she hurt me.

Thats more of a threat, than a reasonable request, and I again fail to see how this is constructive. Your setting up some unreasonable boundaries that may have her trying to please you and not out of love and care. Sounds more like punishment for past behavior and a way to get revenge by her stroking your ego. Whats the good in that? Not very healthy approach to partners working together.
I agree. That is exactly what I was thinking. She hurt me so I wanted to punish her in some way because I did not want to take her back without letting her know that she hurt me. I thought if I let her back without explaining to her this, than she would think she has the choice to come and leave whenever she pleases.

So to stay with you, which is questionable, she has to jump thru hoops to please you, and you think that means she feels as you do? Think again, as your setting the boundaries for what she should do for you, but what about some equality here for how she feels. That would be working together, as opposed to her doing what YOU want her to do.

So unless she meets your standards, you will not give this relationship your full support?? Whats the point of getting back together if your going to have all your preconditions? Thats not what a healthy caring loving relationship is all about, so again, whats the point in being together again?


This sounds more like revenge and control to me, and that would be a recipe for disaster, and a waste of time.
Revenge yes, control....not intentional.

Sorry guy, I just don't see this working.
I hope you are wrong in this last statement because I am willing to put in a lot of effort to make us both happy. I am still new to this long term relationship since I am only 20. So, that is why I appreciate the advice on here so much. My partner and I also talked about going to a relationship counselor to seek further advice.




Nothing has been fixed! What is going to be any different?
She has proven again that she has the upper hand and you have not done any work on the relationship.
Loving is the easy part ,it just is. Keeping it together and healthy takes work.Work can only happen if both people are on the same page and have the same realistic expectations.All that has been learned is that she could crush your world in a minute.
You need to get some books for couples and study them together.
Don't get so caught up in being back together that you forget what got you split.You can't just sweep it under the rug and expect everything to work out because you have love on your side.I wish you the best and I really hope you work work work to make this relationship as healthy as possible!

We both acknowledged our faults and what we need to work on. We are working on it as we speak and we also are looking to get some help from a relationship counselor.

Threads merged as a continuing story

. Since we have been back together I have been having problems with trust. We need to work on a few things in order not to replicate the past. But, I seem to always come back to the trust issue. How do I know if she will do it to me again? She is 19 and in college. How can she change her mind within a week and tell me that she won't have any of those thoughts again? I do not think she can. I just do not want to be pulled along for another couple months and than have the same thing happen.

I need to learn how to deal with this because if I do not it will hurt our relationship. We were talking about how we will have to be apart this summer (4months) since she lives about 4 hours away from college. We talked about how she will be looking for internships. I told her how awesome it will be for her this summer working at an internship. Than I said that she will probably meet someone and leave me again. She didn't like that but I managed not to get into an conversation about it over the phone.

So how do I go about this?

You don't know she won't do it again and she more than likely will if you keep throwing it back in her face.

You are putting yourself down by saying "you will probably find someone else and leave me" I am already seeing a weakening of the backbone here. That's such a p*ussy thing to say.

You came to this site to get help getting over this girl. Advice was given and you chose to use the "getting over her" advice in getting back together.

Its obvious she would try and worm her way back in once it was obvious you weren't giving a damn but I can guarantee this relationship won't last another 2 months.

I have had the same experience with a girl once I started going out with other girls and being friends with my ex telling her about me having a laugh with my mates and going to clubs meeting girls she got jealous. Phoned me telling me how much she wanted me back. I fell for it hook line and sinker just as you have. I then became available for her like I used to falling back into the same routine which lost her in the first place. Sure enough if was over again.

Its up to you.

Than I said that she will probably meet someone and leave me again. She didn't like that but I managed not to get into an conversation about it over the phone.

Being in a relationship is the biggest leap of faith there is.You have to believe that the love will sustain.
There are never any guarantees.

Being in a relationship is like jumping out of an airplane, it's great as long as someone cared enough to pack your parachute.

So how should I go about this since I am already making mistakes. I am not asking to give me step by step advice but rather some general tips on what to do/what not to do.

This is EXACTLY why we told you not to get back together. You can't just magically fix your issues by getting back together. You have self confidence issues, and no amount of love you get from your girl is going to change that. Being apart, and rebuilding your life, around things that you like and building yourself up, learning to love yourself, was key in being able to develop future relationships... I am not sure what you can do, other than enjoy what looks to be a short ride my friend.

For once I am going to disagree with everyone here. This will not be a short term relationship. I am committed on my part to put in the effort in making this relationship work. We acknowledged what needs to be worked on. I know I do not have self confidence issues in general but some lack of confidence has been shown in this thread. But what do you expect, it is a break up thread about my first big love.

Yes, I am still having issues with what she has done to me and I do not know how to go about that. If I am wrong about all of this, than when we do break up, I will have know that I gave it all my best and won't regret having broken up.

Look, I understand your "take on the world" attitude. Been there, done that. I cannot speak for everyone on here, but my advice STRICTLY comes from experience. I DO NOT give advice on things that I don't think I would be of any help on. That being said, good luck! I am pretty sure everyone on here just wishes for you to be happy.

Since you got back on the ride, enjoy it. This is a long distance thing isn't it?

(to lazy to go back thru 120 posts)

Kc had to spread it, but you are right. You can't sweep problems under a rug when you get back together, the relationship is doomed. Not to mention, not many people I have seen end up staying together after reconciling.

Talaniman: It's a semi long distance. We go to the same school but over the summer she lives back home which is roughly 3-4 hours away.


KC I understand what you are saying and I thank you for your input.

Rome: I know people who broke up in college, got back together, and ended up being marrying each other and are still together today, happy. You cannot generalize too much just because everyone is different. But in general you are right.

Besides working on our wrongs I do not know how to go about this right now but I am sure I will somehow figure it out.

This will work as long as much stupid a** doesn't push her away.

Talaniman: Its a semi long distance. We go to the same school but over the summer she lives back home which is roughly 3-4 hours away.


KC I understand what you are saying and I thank you for your input.

<b>Rome: I know people who broke up in college, got back together, and ended up being marrying each other and are still together today, happy. You cannot generalize too much just because everyone is different. But in general you are right.</b>

Besides working on our wrongs I do not know how to go about this right now but I am sure I will somehow figure it out.

This will work as long as much stupid a** doesn't push her away.

Which is exactly why I said "I do not know many couples" which just states my outlook on the situation based on personal experience which is not a generalization.

But good luck in your attempts

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky (http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-handle-this-seven-ways-to-survive-a-long-distance-relationship/?cnn=yes)

Takes two to work together, so good luck!

Yeah good luck with the relationship KC is right your happyness is what matters here. Until now you seem to have agreed with everything advice wise and I think the only reason you're not agreeing now is because you're back with her and everything looks promising now. Judging from the way she treated you we think you can do much better for yourself but in the end it is your decision to make.

Sorry but I think everyone is now a bit reluctant to give you advice on a relationship we just don't believe will work. Again its your decision and we all make our own mistakes in life we just have to experience them for ourselves.

Good luck

The number one suggestion on making this work would be to have realistic expectations.

Sit down and write what you expect from the relationship and why.Have her do the same and compare notes.Go over it point by point.Where you disagree,find a compromise that both of you can live with.

Be clear on what you consider a *deal breaker*.This way there will be no misunderstanding.

While it is healthy to discuss your wants and needs,you can't allow the *work* of the relationship to overshadow the fact that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.

When you place the burden of your happiness on another or the love of another,you are setting yourself up for a fall.

Work on your own personal growth.

We all would like to see a good outcome for you.

The number one suggestion on making this work would be to have realistic expectations.

Sit down and write what you expect from the relationship and why.Have her do the same and compare notes.Go over it point by point.Where you disagree,find a compromise that both of you can live with.

Be clear on what you consider a *deal breaker*.This way there will be no misunderstanding.

While it is healthy to discuss your wants and needs,you can't allow the *work* of the relationship to overshadow the fact that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness.

When you place the burden of your happiness on another or the love of another,you are setting yourself up for a fall.

Work on your own personal growth.

We all would like to see a good outcome for you.


Well worth repeating.

I do need to work on my happiness. I thought I would be happy again if we came back together but I am not. I feel like she made the wrong decision to come back. We have been apart for this short break and when I talk to her over the phone she just seems different. I don't know if its me or her but it just doesn't feel right.

I should have taken the time off to become happy as an individual. I can't say anything for sure because I will have to see how it feels when we get back together. I just hope that she is willing to work on things and I also hope that her feelings towards me are true. If not than just like everyone said, this will be a short ride.

Its weird. We are together but I still am feeling the ups and the downs. I wonder why that is.

Its weird. We are together but I still am feeling the ups and the downs. I wonder why that is.

Perhaps it is because you are both carrying the same old baggage that landed you here in the first place. It's like you are in a room with a an elephant, but no one really speaks up, it just stays awkward...

Perhaps it is because you are both carrying the same old baggage that landed you here in the first place. It like you are in a room with a an elephant, but no one really speaks up, it just stays awkward...

LOL... had to spread the rep KC but the Elephant analogy is priceless :)

Ture. Hahah... I am just waiting now until she comes back from home so that we can talk about the problems we had.

I feel for you :/ this kind of thing happened to me, it was only a year long but you get the idea. Friendship for us didn't work, it just hurt way too much. She found another guy and I was left high and dry, eventually I found my current girlfriend and I couldn't be happier. Its hard, I know, but contact makes it so much harder to move on. Try to limit your conversations, maybe "best friends" isn't the best idea. Try to do as much NC as you can and focus on other things. For me, once I found the RIGHT girl, who I'm still with, things got much easier. BUT don't wait for that just focus on other things like your friends and other relationships you have with people.

So my partner has this "guy" friend who she is good friends with. She occasionally likes to go out with him and hang out. Now, the guy likes her and has told me this to my face. My partner on the other hand only likes him as a friend. The other night several friends of ours were hanging out and just talking. We were all sitting on the floor in a small circle just chatting. My girlfriend was leaning against him and he started giving her a backrub. My girlfriend didn't do or say anything but just let it happen. This made me very uncomfortable but I decided to remain calm because I did not know at the time if it was appropriate for me to get worked up. Afterwards, when we were heading back home, I decided to bring that situation up. I explained to my girlfriend how I felt uncomfortable and that he was crossing the boundaries. She, on the other hand said it didn't mean anything to her because they were just friends. She apologized and said she would not let that happen again.

Now, she keeps hanging out with him and I do not want to tell her that she be with him because I am not the one to tell someone what to do. I want her to be able to go out with whomever she wants. I used to be able to trust her very much but since we just recently got back together after a break up (See "No Contact" rule is not working) it is not as easy. But, I am more worried about him than her. I feel like since he likes her, he will do anything to be with her. If I see something like this happen again, I will approach him and let him know that he is crossing the boundries

Am I right to act this way or am I being totally unreasonable?

She has to be the one to explain to this other person that she finds his attention inappropriate. That is to say, if she is just not playing games with you, and truly loves you, she should.

If you say anything to this other person, there will be trouble between you and she and possibly a fight or some kind of altercation will ensue between he and you.

You are going to have to trust her on this. Mention to her that you want her to tell him to stop.

Tick

If this Person has openly admitted that he has feelings for her beyond friendship then she shouldn't see him as often and shouldn't allow him to do anything that has a different meaning to her than it does to him. i.e.. The back rub or if he ever gives her gifts etc.

Having two men paying you attention is a definite ego trip for a woman and she probably enjoys the exposure. However, it will cause trouble if she is in a supposedly committed relstionaship to one of them.

However, OP has not stated how long the relationship has been continuing. This does make a difference.

Probably she is not as committed as OP thinks.



Tick

Just with everything that's been going on I just lost all sense of care. First thing she texts me is "I love you" after a night of fighting. Wow... that solves everything. I decided today that I would just let it all out and treat her without respect. She said she went to eat some lunch this morning with some friends. I asked her if her second boyfriend was there to give her a back rub. Then I told her that I want to talk this out and figure out if we are either going to resolve this and stay together or if I am going to leave her. I don't know how but she manages to piss me off so much.

Everything that happened today between us was handled wrong, mostly by me. But, I am so sick of arguing. I can be on top of the world when everything is going well but when we argue I just don't care about being with her. We've been back together for a week now and we already fought 2-3 times and it basically became a blaming game.

I hate this so much because my parents divorced because of fighting back and forth. I swore to myself that I would never end up like them and I feel like I am doing exactly the same thing they were doing.

I remember reading your story when I was going through my situation. I was trying the NC to make her want me back and get things back to normal.

I tell you what the NC did things that I very much doubted. I'm able to see the real her and that I was not happy with her. And look I found a girl who is 100 times better then my ex.

What I'm trying to get to, you seem like a good guy and deserve better then this girl. Don't blame yourself for everything wrong in your relationship. Keep your head :)

Hi, A4. Is this girl younger then you and has she been in many relationships ? You say you have only been together a week.

Arguing, without resolving anything, going back and forth and rehashing stuff is not a good way to start a relationship. Could be she is not just mature enough to handle a good relationship with a great guy.

Tick

hi, A4. Is this girl younger then you and has she been in many relationships ? Yes she is younger than me. She has been in couple relationships but only one serious before me.

You say you have only been together a week.
We've been dating for a year and a half but than broke up for a month because she needed to see what else there is. I used the NC rule and once she realized I moved on she decided to come back. I did not want her back at first but decided to give it another try.



Arguing, without resolving anything, going back and forth and rehashing stuff is not a good way to start off a relationship. Could be she is not just mature enough to handle a good relationship with a great guy.

She is very mature and she handels things very well most of the time. But she always makes me feel that I am wrong and I believe her sometimes. I know that I am not perfect and yes, I do make mistakes. But with her I feel like no matter what I say I am at fault. I am not as confident when I am around her because I feel like I am messing things up.

tick

That's basically all of it in a nutshell.

I think your partner is either totally stupid or she does not care for you or respect you as much as you do her.
I'll bet if you had a " female friend" who was rubbing your back and carrying on, she would be pissed especially if said friend told her she had the hots for her man. She'd be telling you to "make a choice"
If she is your woman, she should not let another man touch her that way and certainly not in front of you knowing how you feel.
I'd tell her she needs to decide if this guy is more important to her than you are.
I think you need to leave her alone. A relationship should be more respectful and it should not have this kind of drama.

I'll bet if you had a " female friend" who was rubbing your back and carrying on, she would be pissed especially if said friend told her she had the hots for her man. She'd be telling you to "make a choice"
If she is your woman, she should not let another man touch her that way and certainly not in front of you knowing how you feel.


This is absolutely true. I would never let my guy friends touch me like that, ESPECIALLY after telling me they had feelings. Be careful, if she's letting this behavior go on, you can only get hurt. Also, I applaud your restraint from ripping his hands off!:)

Haven't you had enough of this BS drama from her?? When you do, you'll leave and stay gone. No self respecting man puts up with this bad behavior, and it doesn't matter her reasons for it.

Sorry guy, either your communication skills are lacking, or you make a lousy couple. Whatever the reason, your not working together to solve your problems in a way that benefits you both, and that's not good.

If you can't talk, its over again.

That's the thing, we can talk about it. But when one problem is solved, another arises. Also, she tends to take past problems and bring them up during our current argument.

Personally I don't think you two have a relationship, you just have a sparring partner.

So, what do you want out of this relationship? Would you like a girl that is committed to you and only you, doesn't send mixed signals to other guys, knows the boundaries to set with other men and takes your concerns seriously, or, a girl that does what she wants no matter how you feel, lets other guys touch her in front of you etc. etc.

If all you do is fight and worry, that's not a relationship.

I think it's time to throw this one back in the sea and start fishing for a better one.

Personally I don't think you two have a relationship, you just have a sparring partner.

Yuk, yuk! Good one, Alty.

If problems keep arising how do you expect to survive? It's hard to do this especially when your partner sees no problem at all.

I know you might have issues once in a while but being in a problematic relationship never works.

I'd rather be single, and free, than in your shoes. Sorry, doesn't sound like love, or fun!

Ok, I'm not taking either side on this one. Simply break up, it's not working out between you two. You have openly stated that you are not 110% committed to this relationship in your other thread are ready to leave at the drop of a hat. That's not a good outlook going into a relationship. Then you are making her prove herself to you, which if you were to tell me that I'd punch you in the face. I don't owe nothing to you, she doesn't owe it to you to prove anything. She is a person, you either take what she says and accept it or move on.

Then you say you can talk about it, which I find VERY hard to believe because of your little text to her about her second boyfriend. Tit for tat isn't going to work, she's probably had enough of your crap just like you have had enough of hers. Both of you seem far to immature to be in a functioning relationship. You need someone who is constantly going to reassure you that you are all she wants and will do anything for you, she needs someone who is going to be fine with other guys giving back rubs and let her do her own thing. Just let it go, it's not working.

Just for the record.. there is no way on this earth I would let another man touch the woman I love- let along in a way that makes my girlfriend feel GOOD while I sit back and watch!? ESPECIALLY from a guy I hardly know, who LIKES my girlfriend. Dude listen to this.. nobodyyy should touch your girlfriend except you. Unless it's a dam Dr. or a certified (in office) massage prof. etc. Different types of 'sexual' activities are the exception to this, but I surely do not see this being the case.

I see a guy who is so unsure of his relationship and has so many insecurities that you are letting this slide and hoping to avoid a fight & or lose her because of it. She wants attention from multiple guys? That's fine- don't be one of those guys she is getting it from. ARGH this pisses me of.. ditch her man for a woman who wants only physical attention from you. My ex would NEVER want another guy touching her.. she has serious issues.

I used to have a girlfriend when I was younger that was 'good' at giving massages. She thought it was necessary to give everyone a massage. And then she got certified in it at a young age and even MORE thought it was OK to massage people EVERYWHERE she went. No way in hell was I dealing with that. It makes you look like a FOOL to everyone around you.
Thump

Just for the record.. there is no way on this earth I would let another man touch the woman I love- let along in a way that makes my girlfriend feel GOOD while I sit back and watch!??!?. ESPECIALLY from a guy I hardly know, who LIKES my girlfriend. Dude listen to this.. nobodyyy should touch your girlfriend except you. Unless it's a dam Dr. or a certified (in office) massage prof. etc. Different types of 'sexual' activities are the exception to this, but I surely do not see this being the case.

I see a guy who is so unsure of his relationship and has so many insecurities that you are letting this slide and hoping to avoid a fight & or lose her because of it. She wants attention from multiple guys? That's fine- don't be one of those guys she is getting it from. ARGH this pisses me of.. ditch her man for a woman who wants only physical attention from you. My ex would NEVER want another guy touching her.. she has serious issues.

I used to have a girlfriend when I was younger that was 'good' at giving massages. She thought it was neccessary to give everyone a massage. And then she got certified in it at a young age and even MORE thought it was ok to massage people EVERYWHERE she went. No way in hell was I dealing with that. It makes you look like a FOOL to everyone around you.
Thump


Just as an FYI--my best friend is a guy. I'm married. My guy friend would LOVE to get into my pants, but he respects the relationship that my husband and I have. So--my husband knows that he has the hots for me, and that I see him as a friend.

And if my husband EVER told me that I couldn't be around my guy friend, whether he was right or wrong, that would cause one doozy of an argument that would have the potential to break up our marriage.

Either there is trust or there isn't. If there isn't, then what are you doing in that relationship?

In you, I see a guy that it possessive to the point of obsession, and that's even less healthy than enjoying the attention of more than one person.

Just as an FYI--my best friend is a guy. I'm married. My guy friend would LOVE to get into my pants, but he respects the relationship that my husband and I have. So--my husband knows that he has the hots for me, and that I see him as a friend.

And if my husband EVER told me that I couldn't be around my guy friend, whether he was right or wrong, that would cause one doozy of an argument that would have the potential to break up our marriage.

Either there is trust or there isn't. If there isn't, then what are you doing in that relationship?

In you, I see a guy that it possessive to the point of obsession, and that's even less healthy than enjoying the attention of more than one person.

Synnen- not sure if you quoted me as being possessive or the OP but I agree. I do not have any issues with my significant other having friends of the same sex. Would I allow those friends to be physically touching my girlfriend in the way of a massage? No absolutely not. And as your husband respects your relationship with your guy friend, I am sure your guy friend would not push the boundaries of your friendship. Out of respect for you and your husband. There are red flags all over man- and red is BAD.. get out..
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I've gotten massages from my guy friend, yes.

I've also gotten piggyback rides and been tackled into the snow by him. He gooses me all the time, and it's all in good fun.

I'm just saying that if the guy friend has been around longer than the boyfriend, then the BOYFRIEND has to adjust to the rules that were already set up before he came on the scene--not the girlfriend. And if he can't handle that, better to walk now.

Now, the guy likes her and has told me this to my face. My partner on the other hand only likes him as a friend.


That's the difference as he is rubbing it in his face, and she lets him. That's not insecurity.

Personally if a guy did that to me, came up to me and said some stuff like that, I'd be tempted to punch him in the jaw. The girl has to establish boundaries, and right now it doesn't appear she is caring to. So maybe you need to move on.

And here's one of Alty's infamous bottom lines.

You two don't mesh, all you do is fight, neither one of you are 100% committed to making this relationship work, so why continue?

In the long run, you can't accept her for who she is and she won't change for you, so it's a dead end.

This is a no brainer, really!

If this guy has old the boy friend he has the hots for his girl, and the girl knows that, IMO the guy has disrespected both of them by disrespecting the relationship.
If a friend of mine told my husband something like that I would be "how dare you put me in such a messy position and disrespect my marriage and my husband"
IMO Friends don't do funky stuff like that and I would not allow someone to diss my man like that.

Threads merged for the whole story and background.

Well, many know my story but for the few that don't, I will summarize everything in a few short sentences.

My girlfriend and I dated for 1.5 years. We broke up because she told me she wanted to go out and experience. She said she was young and wanted to see if there are others who would fit her better. I let her go and decided to have no contact in order to heal. Once she found out that I moved on, she came back asking me to be with her. I decided to get back with her thinking that with some work things could work out and we would become happy. Shortly afterwards things occurred that made me uncomfortable. One night a "guy friend" who I knew liked her gave her a back rub in front of me. She did nothing to stop this and it made me very uncomfortable. So that is the short version, if you need more details please visit my two other threads. All of this brings us to today.

Together, we have been trying to work on our relationship. Both of us agreed that we needed to have space since last time we dated we started constantly fighting because we were together every single moment. Her and I though had two different definitions for space. Mine was that once in a while I would enjoy having some time to myself to do things on my own or with other friends. Her definition, according to my interpretation(to which she agreed on), has more of an independence aspect. In that she wants to go out and do many things on her own (hang out with friends, go to concerts, etc... ) and at the end of the day come home to me for emotional support. She wants to be able to everything she wants while still having me by her side.

I have nothing wrong with the fact that she wants to do things on her own and that she needs to be independent. I never once have told her not to go somewhere or to be with me instead. But every time I ask her to do something she tells me she has other times. For example: Today I took a sick day because I was not feeling too well and had a lot of work to catch up on. Even though I had a lot of work, I asked her if she wanted to go drive somewhere and maybe go for a hike. Immediately she tells me she is going downtown with her friend and later on she is going to yoga class with another friend. I know that she cannot be there for me anytime I have some free time but I feel as if she is putting everything in front of me. I feel like I am on an unequal pedestal where her independence is towering over me.

I feel like that I am not getting respected and that I am just being used as a tool for her happiness. I know she is young and she needs to be experiencing things but I do not want her to drag me along while she does all of this. If she needs to continue doing this than I would rather let her go. I am looking for someone who is will to put me on an equal pedestal where I feel like she is passionate about her experiences/goals/future but also is passionate about being with me.


I apologize for the long rant and I know many of you have told me to end this. But I have been having a difficult time in doing this because I feel that I am being unreasonable here with her. Am I too controlling? Am I asking too much? Am I a horrible person for asking this from her? I love her and when things are good, she makes me feel like a million bucks. What do I need to work on?

OR

Like everyone has been telling... it is time to let her go and move on.

I am just heart wrenched and have thousands of feelings running through me. I feel like I am a , and a horrible partner.

Hey, I didn't read your other posts, but I'll assume that you highlighted the important aspects in your summary.

If you really want to save this relationship, you're going to have to talk to her and tell her all these doubts that you have of her.

But the way I see it is, eventually you guys are going to break up, so you're delaying the inevitable.

Maybe your just not compatible enough to maintain an equal relationship. It happens. Don't feel guilty that you don't know what to do, to change things, as something's you cannot control (her) so do what you must for yourself.

Threads merged as this is about the same girl


My partner and I have been dating little over 1.5 yrs now and over the past couple months I felt as if I am being constantly belittled, criticized, and judged. For example the other night her and I had a conversation about masculinity and reasons while males act differently when they are around other males. After she stated her opinion, I started to give mine. The second I finished the first sentence she smirked and tried to hide her smile. Another example involves our studying habits. She is always on top of things, never gets distracted, and has a perfect GPA. I on the other hand tend to procrastinate a bit and get distracted easier. But, I have three jobs and other school activities that make me exhausted by the end of the day. She calls me out on the slacking and tells me that I am not working hard. There are many more examples of this.

So, all of this makes me always feel like I am less intelligent than her. That I am slacker and that I can not participate in intellectual/philosophical conversations. She is better off in every possible way, financially, acedemically, and other. I on the other hand am not as fortunate. I am not even from this country nor do my parents make enough money to pay for my college education. This is why I work three jobs and attend school full time. I have spoken to her how I feel about this but she always tries to argue it and make it somehow my fault. She has admitted fault partially and apologized for specific situations but I do not know if she fully understands. We are very good about talking with each other but often have problems with avoiding an argument.

Is there anything that I can do to explain things better to her?

Firstly... I am sorry that you're in this position

She may never truly understand where you are coming from because she is native to that country and her family is well off so she doesn't have to work 3 jobs to attend school... all I can suggest to you is not to take her smirks and opinions too personally... she may try to understand your side... as much and as well as you may be trying to explain but because she hasn't had to live like that and sorry to say... she doesn't seem to want to totally understand as she already has her own opinions... she will never truly understand.

The 2 of you are 2 entirely different people and come from 2 different situations and backgrounds and neither of you can or should be compared to one another as equals... thats why you think or feel that she is better but this is not true. Since you don't have the privileges that she does you have to work 3 jobs... this is not easy... this causes you fatigue and extra stress and because of this you are less inclined to study... this is normal and does not make you a slacker... it is normal that after a hard day of work... that you need time to unwind and relax. If you want to explain to her better... you can tell her that its not that you're a slacker... it's not that you don't want to be on the top of your work... its just that after working all the time you need to unwind before hitting the books... it doesn't make you dumber or less of a person than she is.

Hope this helps and makes you feel better about yourself... never let anyone belittle you for doing what you must to survive!

Thank you, that was very helpul and uplifting.

Those three things in your title give you more than enough reason to leave the relationship.

Sarah

Your from Mars, she is from Venus, your both on Earth, and you have to many things going on to evaluate something as complex as maintaining a healthy relationship. That's why your threads were merged, as to give a complete picture to ALL the problems your having with this female.

What makes a relationship work through difficult times? The willingness of both partners to work together, through honest communications, to resolve their issues.

Sorry, don't see it here, as you two haven't learned how to communicate well enough to get along, and that should be a topic of discussion between you.

Just as an FYI--my best friend is a guy. I'm married. My guy friend would LOVE to get into my pants, but he respects the relationship that my husband and I have. So--my husband knows that he has the hots for me, and that I see him as a friend.

And if my husband EVER told me that I couldn't be around my guy friend, whether he was right or wrong, that would cause one doozy of an argument that would have the potential to break up our marriage.

Either there is trust or there isn't. If there isn't, then what are you doing in that relationship?

In you, I see a guy that it possessive to the point of obsession, and that's even less healthy than enjoying the attention of more than one person.

No I don't think so somehow. You seem to be laying the blame on this guy rather than her? You have a point obsession is unhealthy. This guy however questions her motives and his relationship which shows he's not obsessed he just wants his relationship to work. If he was he would not be on here asking for help as anything bad she does will be accepted due to his obsession.

He may be a little imature in his approach at times but he knows what's right and wrong. What this girl is doing is totally wrong. She knows this other guy wants her yet lets him have his hands all over her in front of her boyfriend. For a relationship that had problems in the first place. With a girl who wanted to have a bit of fun instead of being in a relationship. I think I'd be a little worried too.

You seem to accept her behaviour which leads me to believe you may do the same thing with this friend of yours who has the hots for you. There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone but when one has a secret agenda i.e. to get in your pants. How can you ever have a totally "friendly" approach to your relationship.

You might like the attention of a man who finds you attractive and wants you more than a friend. This however is hanging onto part of a single life. Why don't you get a proper male friend one who won't be secretly hoping your marriage will fail and get that chance in your pants.

Lets realize that the threads have been merged, and get the whole story, as this relationship has many problems.

You all have made some great points besides the obsession part. I am nowhere near that.

Why is it that I am still with her? Why is it that I allowed her back in my life? She is such a wonderful person, with so many qualities that I adore. But, somehow I still feel there is something between us that is not matching. Is it the fact that we can't communicate well? Are we just not compatible anymore? We argue about the tiniest things and then the same day we end up having the most romantic evening.

A relationship shouldn't be about constantly putting out fires. You are both putting fires out with the expectation of another one occurring. That is no way to live. What was the spark that held you two together is now the cause of constant fights and arguments. I see no way this relationship can ever go back to normal my friend.

YBut, somehow I still feel there is something between us that is not matching. Is it the fact that we can't communicate well? Are we just not compatible anymore? We argue about the tiniest things and then the same day we end up having the most romantic evening.

Communication is an important ingredient for your relationship to even have a chance of lasting. This is why the two of you agrue over the silliest thing because the two of you can't come together and talk things out in a mature, open, civil matter. How much longer do you expect to keep this up? One day someone is going grow some balls and leave. So the question is who will that be? You or her?

Communication is an important ingredient for your relationship to even have a chance of lasting. This is why the two of you agrue over the silliest thing because the two of you can't come together and talk things out in a mature, open, civil matter. How much longer do you expect to keep this up? One day someone is going grow some balls and leave. So the question is who will that be? You or her?

Had to spread rep, Liz. I agree with you completely.

And yes, someone needs to grow some balls... LOL.

In relationships you can get to the stage where you really over-analyse things and each of you becomes hyper-sensitive to the other person's cues.

I suspect that you need to back off, and make a conscious effort to just let things be - without trying to influence the outcome. (I know, it's really hard, as I've been there myself.)

It's not exactly NC - but it's a way of getting a sense of perspective. You let go of your expectation and your desire regarding the person and the relationship.

When you find yourself over-analysing or over-thinking, just say to yourself 'stop!'.

When you find yourself wanting to argue with her about anything, just say to yourself 'stop!'.

When you find yourself thinking - should I stay or should I leave - just say to yourself 'stop!'.

Just do it a day at a time. Focus on it. Let go of the outcome.

Eventually you will find that the circular thinking eases a little, and what you need to do (as opposed to what you want to do) will become clearer.

I'm sorry that you've been having trouble in your relationship and still trying to get past the problems. I was in a similar relationship where I would be afraid of my girl leaving me. I've been in NC with her since April 21st, even a short time as this told me that if she really wanted to be with me, there would be no worries about her leaving me... at all.

You've got to realize the fact that she's worried about herself before you, instead of the relationship and as a couple.

I'm not very experienced in these kind of things but I'm also learning; I want you to see what I see and what needs to be seen.