Im dating a 27 year old Guy that used to do heroin. He was doing great went back to collage until one of his old buddies came back in town and his buddy does crack. Just a couple of days ago he my boyfriend was arresested for possession of less the $10.00 of Crack I was shocked :eek:because he was always asking me for money and he lied to me about going to school that day of his arrest . I have two daughters and Im divorced 22 years old and I fell in love with this man ! Will a heroin addict ever leave the addiction behined?:(

I'm issing something here, what part makes him a good catch?

We get along great Hes a very sweet person but He has a terrible criminal record of theft and drug possession. I suspected his friend because My boyfriend started changing when his friend came back in town.

I would be getting myself and my daughters away from this guy... pronto, I don't care how "sweet" he is or how "great" we get along.

Y'know, there are a lot of sweet people that don't have terrible criminal records or do hard drugs.

I've heard this phrase "once a Heroin addict always a heroin addict" Its so hard to just leave him but I will think about the babies. Thanks

Leave, for your own good. My fiancé was married to a heroin addict and he always said he was going to change or that he was done with drugs and he wasn't. He went to rehab numerous times, just recently completed this past December but since we don't talk to him other than about the two girls we don't know how he's been.

I wouldn't chance it with your kids around him.

Junkies have some of the worst lives 'cause they brought it on themselves.

In Naked Lunch, Burroughs wrote, "Junk is quantitative and accurately measurable. The more junk you use the less you have and the more you have the more you use." He was using junk for over fifteen years.

It's near impossible to kick it and most of them go to methadone clinics, sometimes for life.

Keep in mind when Junkies need it, they'll do whatever they can to get it. They'll lie, cheat, steal from their own mother. It's a sickness, we'd all do it if were in dire need of something.

So no, he won't drop the needle, not in the time you're willing to wait

He lived at home with his mother and he's currently in jail for possession of crack . His mother hired an attorney because he's on probation for theft and battery theryre trying to have him tranfered to a rehabilitation center instead of spending the rest of the time in jail. I visited him Monday in jail and he said he loves me and he's sorry for lying and he wants help.

I visited him Monday in jail and he said he loves me and hes sorry for lying and he wants help.

Then you let him get the help he needs... far away from you and your daughters.

If he truly loved you, he would have your best interest at heart. The best thing for you and your girls is to be as far away from drugs and addicts as possible. Period.

You may love him, but you need to protect your children.

Thank you that's what Im going to do . If he loves me and wants to be with me later in life he will show me that he wants change and a career hopefully he leaves heroin for good .

Thank you thats what Im going to do . If he loves me and wants to be with me later in life he will show me that he wants change and a career hopefully he leaves heroin for good .

Another HUGE factor is that I am not sure what your custody situation is, but are taking a HUGE risk of having your children removed from your care, for the type of company you keep.

It is very often, that there are new addictions to replace old addictions, sometimes the new addiction is worse, sometimes it is better. Herion is a difficult drug to recover from.

Good luck to you, but never risk your children for a man.

I have sole custody of the girls but I have child free weekends starting Friday,sat,Sunday,then Monday I pick them up after work
Thanks for the info about addictions

What I am saying is you are risking your children being taken away, should the father (or anyone who wants to report it because they are concerned for the children) find out that this gentlemen is an addict and a felon, it won't matter if he is sober. Just be aware that it is a possibility, as I would imagine that your children are more important to you than this relationship. It should help you focus and not regress into wanting to be with someone who could potentially lose you your children.

Justwantfair makes a great point- if you are hanging around with a drug addict, your kids could be removed from you.

Also, the guy sounds like a terrible catch to me! Just a few months ago, an ideal "family man" in my town was gunned down in his own home, in front of his kids, because of a drug debt he owed. Keep staying with this guy, and that scenario could be in your future. Please, get away from him and stay away.

Peaple keep prank calling his mother Im scared for his family and I will keep away from him and focus on the girls thanks

The best thing for you to do is to leave this dude alone. Just like everyone else said. You are putting your daughter's in a bad environment and they don't need anyone in their lives who are on drugs. When people come off drugs they tend to get violent, you don't want him to beat up on you in front of your kids or them. My daughter's father is a meth addict and he told me so many times that he loved me and wanted to make our family work and how he would never touch meth again. I finally had to leave him and get away because he was coming down off the drugs and tried to kill me while I was holding our daughter. You need to stay away from this dude, for you and your daughters. You can find a better man who doesn't have as much baggage. Good luck. Stay strong, you will get through this. I know that it will be hard, especially if he is begging and pleading with you and telling you how much he loves you. Think with your mind, not your heart. Good luck!

This story scares me. You are only 22! That is wonderful. You have your life in front of you. You are young. You will make your life what you want it. Believe me when I say this because it is true. A drug addict is NOT capable of loving anyone. He is only thinking of himself. He will never be able to give to you what you deserve and he is a danger to your children. You could put your custody of your children in jeopardy as well. Children Welfare Services can remove your children from you if you are living with someone on drugs or you are on drugs. You are not really knowing the real him anyway. You have come to know "him on drugs". He will never be able to love or take care of anyone or be in a happy healthy relationship while addicted to drugs. He will blame everyone and everything else for his habit. You are already blaming his friend. No one is making him do drugs. He is. He probably will never change. It takes A LOT. I work in law enforcement. I have seen maybe one or two heroin addicts out of hundreds truly stay clean but that includes many relapses and their lives are a mess and so are the lives of the people who love them. You and your children deserve much, much better. I know. My husband became addicted to his pain medication. This escalated to crack cocaine and then heroin. I myself called the police and had him removed from our home. We are now divorced. He does not see our child. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change him. Do not waste these precious years of your life that you cannot relive. Be young, be a good mom and set your sights much, much higher please.

Your first priority should be your children,then you and getting away from this man as quick as you can.

There is no one size fits all when it comes to addiction. You could spend years,countless sleepless night and put your family in jeopardy and he may never recover.

If he owes someone money,they could break into your house and rob you and him.
If you have money and he is hurting for drugs ,he will steal from you.
If he is carrying drugs and gets busted,you get busted too and may lose your children.

The list goes on and on but bottom line... get out before any of these things happen.

You can't fix a junkie with love!

You can't fix a junkie with anything.

It hurts so much to really love someone and you will never be able to help change them and save their lives:( It sucks Im going to move on but its just so painful because I thought he was my soulmate. Is their any tips that anyone can give me to help move on and leave him behined. I love him but my children ' are my life so he's got to go. How do you break up with an addict?

How do you break up with an addict?

The same way you break up with anyone else but be very certain that he does not have any way to contact you or find out where you are. Junkies are desperate people and they will go to any length to get what they need or want.

Protect yourself at all costs and do not encourage him by saying we can be friends,You can't be friends with a user.

Make it clear,you want nothing to do with him now or in the future.Don't give him any false hope.

Thank you

I feel your pain. It's hard. I don't know why you think he's your soul mate, though. Really think about who you are and what makes you happy and what you need and want from a relationship. I'm hoping that drug use isn't something you're looking for in a man! A soul mate would be someone with similar values, morals and beliefs. Simply tell him that you and your children come first and you do not want his kind of life style--the drugs, police, jail etc. --in your future. You've heard of red flags showing up when you're dating someone? Well, this is one huge red flag flying right in your face. No matter what he says, don't believe him. A wise woman once told me that you know a drug addict is lying if their mouth is moving. End it. To make it clear, you need to cut off ALL contact. There will be no happy ending with this guy. Trust me when I tell you that time will make it easier. Every day that goes by without this guy in your life is a step in the right direction. It's not really him you will be missing. It may be you just want "someone" right now and that's okay. He's just not the right one. There will be others. I promise you that. Raise your standards. Try to smile and do things for yourself. You and the kids are No. 1!https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/images/smilies/smile.gif

Survivor07 Thank you for that advice It opened my eyes to many things :)

Get rid of him, as wanting to change, and actually doing it, are two different things, and until he does change, leave him alone, and protect yourself and your family. Your wise to be scared.

On march he will be having court his parents are wanting to get his case dismissed and stick him in a rehabilitation center. He's willing to go there . I will try to be strong and leave him alone not anwering his calls . But I think anyone deserves a second chance in life.

You're welcome for the advice. I just hope you take it. He's willing to go to the rehab because it sounds a lot nicer than jail. Yes, be strong. When you feel like contacting him, write to us instead. And, yes, people do deserve second chances. That's why there are rehabs. Many of the same people will return to the same rehab time and time again, though, throughout their lives when they're not in jail. That's the reality. That's why I say move on. You do not have to SETTLE for someone who has this many problems so early in life. You need to BELIEVE that you deserve better and that you WILL find him when you least expect it.

When someone is in rehab/jail, they will make calls to ANYONE on the outside who is willing to talk to them. The calls won't mean anything more than he is able to talk to the "outside" for a while.

Another point: People who are "forced" to go to rehabs by their loved ones or the court system RARELY change. They need to really, really WANT to be clean. And that is pretty rare in itself.

Try to keep this in mind and try to think of things you can do to keep yourself busy, try new things, go different places. That's how you will meet new people. Enjoy your children while they're young. They do grow up so fast and you can't get these days back either. Remember, if you're going to have a "father figure" around, have it be someone they can really look up to and learn from and, especially, be safe in their company. Keep posting. I'm counting on you to do the right thing!

On march he will be having court his parents are wanting to get his case dismissed and stick him in a rehabilitation center. He's willing to go there . I will try to be strong and leave him alone not anwering his calls . but I think anyone deserves a second chance in life.

But he has had his second chance already. And it sounds like several more besides. Regardless, YOU can't help him. His parents can't help him. Nobody can help him except for himself. And you have enough on your plate being only 22 and having 2 children. You don't have time to try to help him deal with his issues. Your focus has to be your children. You don't have to avoid his calls. Just make them stop. Have your number changed and that problem is solved. If he sends you letters, mark them "return to sender" and send them back to him. It's not your responsibility to be there for him. It's sweet that you want to, but it's not your responsibility. Don't allow yourself to be put in the position of having drug dealers banging on your door looking for him.

Survivor07 Thanks for more advice! It's been really hard these past days and a shock to have to find out that the person I fell in love with had been doing drugs and lying to me. He told me he was always broke and had no money , He expected me to pay for everything on Valentines Day and he said his car didn't work so he didn't evan want to use his car to come visit me, and then the last time I saw him he was asking me for gas money for school and That was a huge lie because that's the day he got busted buying crack on the street. Its hard but your advice has really helped me Im new to this internet conversations but at least I can express my thoughts and feelings and get good advice thank you.

Again, you're quite welcome. When one has been through some hell, it's nice to be able to try and save someone from the same hell.

That said, all the money you've given him has gone to drugs. It's true. I don't know where you live, but where I am a very tiny amount of crack cocaine, the size of an aspirin, can be $100 or more. That is a few "hits". Most crack users use all day and/or night. This is hundreds of dollars. Get it? Then they are awake for as long as two to three days at a time. They will use heroin to come "down" from the crack. Heroin also is the same hefty price. During this time they are under the influence, they will do and say things they normally wouldn't. Things such as have sex with strangers or prostitutes. This is very common with crack users. They are not thinking of anyone else, not their girlfriend, their wife or their children, not their jobs or school or probation officers. They are not thinking of the brain damage they are causing themselves or the sexually transmitted diseases they are contracting, from the sex or the shared needles. They will steal. They will be violent. This is all true. If you research this, you will see. If you stay with him, you will live it.

I'm sure your money could have went to better use.

A person with a criminal record like his is not going to get a decent-paying job any time soon either. Times are tough enough right now as it is for the law-abiding citizens!

Another red flag: Your date or boyfriend should NEVER ask you for money or make you feel as though you should give it to them.

I was just curious as to why this man attracted you in the first place and how long you have been together. I'm needing to know more background as to why this guy is at all appealing to you. It' okay if you don't want to tell us. Keep your chin up.

P.S. I know you posted that he's been your boyfriend for six months. But did you know him prior? Because, if not, then this time last year you didn't even know he existed. Just something to think about.

It's fine ask all the questions you want , I met him threw work I started around 04/26/08 Its actually more then 6 months now that I think about it . When I met him I was having problems with my ex husband he had left me and started changing on me and I was going threw so much I had to hire a divorce attorney and I didn't have my licence so it was very hard because I Had become dependent on my ex husband, but on August 18 I got Divorced and My licence the same day.
Me and this guy had a quick connection We started talking to each other and laughing and he knew I had my daughters and was getting a Divorce as soon as he met me . He's a really good person with a huge heart and it is very painful to have to let him go , you know it hurts that I will never be able to help him out of the hole he's digging himself in .

I can tell you from experience of a former heroin addict that it is a very hard thing to kick. The only thing that got me to quit was having a girlfriend who I actually loved more than the drug. If you get out of the environment where it is readily available it makes it a lot easier to quiit. Tell him to move out to the country or something with you were you know there isn't any dope. If he tries to make excuses why he don't want to move, it means he don't want to quit the dope, then you should leave him. I was only using for about 6 months so it wasn't as hard for me to quit as someone who has years of history in the , I think he's probably hopeless by this point.

Jwiz88 Have you ever been to a rehabilitation center if so What was it like ? Whiere you able to have visitation? I fell in love with this man and its just so hard to let him go.

I know how hard it is to be forced to leave the one you love. Survivor07 is exactly right in her last post, well her second to last post. It all starts as just a little and then it turns into a little more, until the person is so wrapped up in it the only way they will quit is if they go to jail. When people are on drugs they make really stupid decisions. Like Survivor 07 said, they will have sex with anyone, they will rob anyone to get the drug, they will do anything when they are coming down to get that high that they crave. It is a horrible cycle. I was forced to leave my daughter's father, like I said previously, and I totally didn't want to do that. I had moved out to California to be with him and got pregnant with our daughter. So, when I did leave him I had to go to a domestic violence shelter because I had no where else to go. My whole family had dissowned me the day I started dating him because they knew that he was bad news and they were trying to protect me. Before my daughter was born I did a lot of stupid things and made a lot of mistakes because he brang me down. He grew up with a crack headed mother and a father who was on heroin who came in and out of his life, so that was all he knew. I have seen the way drugs effect a persons life first hand and it isn't pretty. When I got pregnant, I knew that I wasn't going to stay with my daughter's father because I knew that my life had a purpose since I got pregnant. So, I left California for three whole days and turned right back around and got on a plane and went back to him because I loved him. Well, he was using really heavy drugs for the next 7 months and I had meth heads in and out of my house, having to worry about my stuff getting stolen or having to worry about drug dealers getting pissed off and coming to rob my house. I had to deal with the cops coming over to my house all the time and making me look like I was a pregnant woman on drugs. I spent about $50,000 in two years with my daughter's father during all of this time. I got beat up the whole time, I had to deal with my daughter's father's mood swings when he would come down off the dope. It was horrible, I couldn't get out though because my mom had gotten me out and I went back like a fool. I lost everything that was important in my life, my family, friends, money, self esteem, self worth, everything. When my daughter was finally born I KNEW that I had to get out before she got taken from me and I truly lost the most important thing in my life. So, I took as much as her stuff and got in my car and drove to the police station to have them help me, I never looked back. It was the best decision that I EVER made!! Now looking back at the whole situation, there was so much more to it than what I have said, I am lucky to be alive. I thought that I would be the one to SAVE my daughter's father and turn his life around and help him to become a good person. I thought that I could help him get away from the drugs and have a normal life, but I was totally wrong. He is the only one who can help himself. It has now been four years since we separated and he is still on drugs, the last time I talked to his dad he told me that he just got out of jail again and that the only time he calls him is when he needs money or needs to get bailed out of jail. It is a really sad situation, just be thankful that you don't have kids with this dude and you don't have to be attached to him for the rest of your life!! You can cut the rope now and let him do all of this on his own, because no matter how much you love him or what you do he will not change unless he wants to. He can't do it for you, he has to do it for himself. Please don't go down the hard road to learn this lesson like I did, it is really hard to deal with. Good luck. When you miss him, think about your babies and their future. You don't want their step dad to be a drug addict. Most drug addicts relapse multipule times before they ever become sober, if they ever do.

I can tell you from experience of a former heroin addict that it is a very hard thing to kick. The only thing that got me to quit was having a girlfriend who I actually loved more than the drug. If you get out of the environment where it is readily available it makes it alot easier to quiit. Tell him to move out to the country or something with u were u know there isnt any dope. If he tries to make excuses y he dont want to move, it means he dont want to quit the dope, then u should leave him. I was only using for about 6 months so it wasnt as hard for me to quit as someone who has years of history in the , I think hes probably hopeless by this point.

I appreciate your thoughts on this matter but for someone young with two children, who has not been in this relationship a substantial amount of time, I feel like you are feeding into the denial that this is a SERIOUS problem and NOT her responsibility. It is wonderful that you had someone to support you, but given her circumstances and the user's issues and the fact that there are children involved, keeping her on track to walk away for her own benefit is the best thing to do.

When people break up with someone, whether the relationship is healthy or not, they are looking to make excuses for their partner. Right now she has to think of her children first, which is hard, but it is what she has to do to get her children in a stable environment. Not the excuse to be her addicts lifeline.

I can tell you from experience of a former heroin addict that it is a very hard thing to kick. The only thing that got me to quit was having a girlfriend who I actually loved more than the drug. If you get out of the environment where it is readily available it makes it alot easier to quiit. Tell him to move out to the country or something with u were u know there isnt any dope. If he tries to make excuses y he dont want to move, it means he dont want to quit the dope, then u should leave him. I was only using for about 6 months so it wasnt as hard for me to quit as someone who has years of history in the , I think hes probably hopeless by this point.

Loving someone more than the drugs? No. Sorry. Not in this situation. Actually, I've never seen it happen.

You don't have to tell him to move out to the country. Tell him to take a hike.

As if! You should uproot your children and move for this guy!

Listen, I was once divorced and it is very, very easy to "fall in love" with the first man with whom you feel a connection. It's so easy to latch on to that person because you are going through a life change. It is EXTREMELY common. No shame in it. It's human nature to want to feel needed, desired and loved.

You weren't single for any significant amount of time. You didn't allow yourself to feel independent and strong. It's a very good feeling when you know you can stand on your own two feet, which is not easy when you are taking care of yourself and your girls. Adding a drug addict to that doesn't make sense.

You have not been with this guy long enough to feel as though you should help him through this, when in reality you can't help him anyway. It hasn't really been long enough, in my opinion, to have real, deep feelings of LOVE. I do understand the hurt, though, of being without "your love". Time will make it all but disappear.

You can support someone who is in rehab by being there to listen to them and telling them you love them and you're proud of their accomplishments. BUT that is not your responsibility to this "man" who has done nothing but lie and steal and most likely cheat on you as well. I would understand if this was your brother or some other significant person in your life. He is just a guy you have latched onto for the past six or seven months. He in turn latched onto you, too, and why not? You gave him money, sex, and "love". He was able to do this so easily because you were vulnerable at the time he met you. Had you taken the time to detach from your husband emotionally and time to establish yourself as an independent woman, you probably would not have looked at him twice.

I do not mean to sound harsh. I do feel your pain. Remember, I've been there.

Right now you have no strings to this man. By that, I mean you do not share a lease, you do not have children together and you are not pregnant. That means you can walk away.

You are 22. When you are 32, you most likely will have a completely different outlook on how you see the world and the people in it. You have a process of maturing to get through. However, what you do and who you do it with NOW will shape your life in the future.

And, yes, like everyone else is saying, I agree 100 percent that you need to put your girls first. But you need a life, too. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship or dating when you're a single mom. But you need to be very choosy when it comes to allowing men around your girls, and for that matter, allowing the girls to see you being with a man who is not their dad. Being 22 and a single mom is one tough job. Doing it right is not for the weak! I was much older than you when I got divorced, so I can only imagine how hard it is to see other single young women your age going out and having a social life without worrying about babysitters, etc. Raising kids alone isn't easy no matter your age.

Be strong. There will be others!! I mean it. Men who will ask you out, pick you up in their vehicle and take you to dinner, buy you flowers... not ask you for money and lie to you and use mind-altering drugs. Hang in there.

Im dating a 27 year old Guy that used to do heroin. He was doing great went back to collage untill one of his old buddies came back in town and his buddy does crack. Just a couple of days ago he my boyfriend was arresested for possesion of less the $10.00 of Crack I was shocked :eek:because he was always asking me for money and he lied to me about going to school that day of his arrest . I have two daughters and Im divorced 22 years old and I fell in love with this man ! will a heroin addict ever leave the addiction behined?:(


If he does not want to quit the drug then you need to quit him,
Im trying to get my good friend off crack right now and its
A let me tell you.

p.s. keep your head up

Good advice Stang. I'm curious, though. What are you doing to help your friend kick crack?

He's out of jail already and he didn't go to rehab however he's taking meetings and Starting to attend church again . He's also going back to school again and he's going to finish his semester. I've been hanging around him lately but haven't taken my daughters near him or anything like that . He's been using his car and money to take me out.

You are asking for problems, I am going through the same thing, only my fiance's ex(who is the father of the two kids) had went to rehab for 8 months and then got out in December, was allowed to see the girls(got to love the NJ courts!) and just last weekend his girlfriend called his mom to come get the girls because he was on something(heroin) and she doesn't know how long he's been on it.

He's out of jail already and he didnt go to rehab however he's taking meetings and Starting to attend church again . He's also going back to school again and hes going to finish his semester. I've been hanging around him lately but havent taken my daughters near him or anything like that . He's been using his car and money to take me out.

Whether you have taken your children near him or not you have just chosen this man OVER your children. For that there will be consequences.

Some people are broken - and you cannot fix them -! No matter what.

You have children. They should be your first priority.

This man has a pattern, a history, none of it good. You are happy that he is spending HIS money and using HIS car to take you out instead of YOUR money and YOUR car?

I think you need to re-read your post.

As I said - some people are broken and cannot be fixed.

He's 27 years old. He's not going to change. He is only going to take you down with him.

What a shame.

You owe it to your babies to provide a better life for them than the life you will have with a struggling addict.

Its been about a month Since he's been out of jail a week after he got out he started snorting heroin again:( and I Just found this out 3 days ago Nothing has changed I broke up with him Yesterday and His mom called me and told me Hes going into rehab

Well, now you need to never talk to him again. Just because a person goes to rehab, doesn't mean that they won't relapse. You need to start thinking about your daughter's needs, instead of your own. It is not easy to do, but in the long run you will be happy that you made the right decision to let this loser go.

Well hopefully now you will keep your head out and focus on being a mother.

Addictions are a difficult thing to break but you have two children to be concerned about, taking care of another person is not in your best interest. You have to break this cycle for your own good and the welfare of your children.

This isn't about you, when you gave birth your life stopped being yours first, it's your children's first. You are all that they have.

Im dating a 27 year old Guy that used to do heroin. He was doing great went back to collage untill one of his old buddies came back in town and his buddy does crack. Just a couple of days ago he my boyfriend was arresested for possesion of less the $10.00 of Crack I was shocked :eek:because he was always asking me for money and he lied to me about going to school that day of his arrest . I have two daughters and Im divorced 22 years old and I fell in love with this man ! will a heroin addict ever leave the addiction behined?:(

The thing is that heroin is a really powerful drug and a lot of people can't stop doing it... u should have not even messed with him in the first place? How long did he do it for and how long did he stop till he relapsed

He's been Doing Heroin Since he was 15
He was off it for a year and relapsed around The super bowl Sunday date His buddy came to town .

So you are competing with a 12 year addiction...

Just so you know, you NEVER stood a chance.

Pack up your things and move on. I can not say it enough.

He will be going into treatment Today but either way I will focus on my children's needs Its really hard to have many life changing transitions I mean I thought He was the one for me. I thank everyone who has helped me go threw this.

Good luck to you. You are working on breaking your own addiction to this person. Just know that you are the most important person in your child's life. Bringing in just anyone just to have the nuclear family will not benefit you or your children.

Be selective, be happy with who you are, standing on your own two feet. Partners should compliment who we already are. God bless.

You ought to thank your lucky stars that he is not the father of your girls. If your little girls had a heroin addict for a father we'd all be saying "poor little girls"... offering this advice and that to help you help your daughters cope with the burden of having a drug addicted father. You'd never choose this problem for your daughters would you? Of course not! You have made the right choice.

Your daughters are depending on you to protect them from all the bad people in the world, that includes heroin addicts.

He is a ticking time bomb. Not just drugs but battery too? Okay so are you going to let him beat the h#ll out of you or your girls because you told him, "no," you can't borrow money? Addicts like that will not stop at getting what they want and there is nothing they won't do...to the point of killing, robbing and then satisfying the "Need." Save your life and the life of your girls. There should not even be a question like this. You know the answer.

I must point out that over the course of this thread I'm a little shocked over the wording and descriptions being used in terms of addicts. They are people too and to suggest they will not change is not fair, neither is it helpful.

However, you did mention people deserving a second chance although your numbering was off. You being with him in the first place was his second chance, NOT when he relapsed. I am all for you having made that leap of faith in the hopes of him getting better, when he didn't it was time to go. You simply have too much to lose to gamble with someone that has continually shown a lack of sincerity in terms of getting better.

Finally, I will disagree with some of the statements made towards this man and addcts in general, but I do believe the advice is correct. Leave or you'll be dragged down too. You being there for him is not helping him the way you think it is, in fact it may well be hurting him in his recovery. Nevertheless, it is you and your future you need focus on.

I have first hand knowledge of heroin addicts, BMI the facts speak for themselves about the percentage of drug users that relapse. Even more, heroin addicts are more likely to relapse and are more prone to overdosing because they feel that they can do the same amount they used to. My fiance's ex husband is a heroin addict, he quit twice before I met her, he went to rehab this past year(3rd time he's "quit") and was clean for the time he was in there(10 months) plus 3 more and then relapsed and we haven't heard from him since then. I am all for people rebuilding their lives, but drug users are less likely to do this. The facts speak for themselves

Relapse Prevention and Drug Addiction (http://www.relapse-prevention.org/user-news.htm?id=163)

ScienceDirect - Drug and Alcohol Dependence : Prediction of relapse to frequent heroin use and the role of methadone prescription: An analysis of the Amsterdam Cohort Study among drug users (http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6T63-4FJTP29-3&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=63a80611e200b8361dbb4da776a4176d)

No need to give statistics, I'm aware of the relapse rate of heroin addicts. There is no doubt statistically this young man was more likely to end up doing what he actually did than for him to have put it down for good, that is not my problem.

There are some that do indeed stay clean, I pointed out that some on this board hear the word addict and the advice is to run as far away as possible from "those people". This man's mother would like to believe her son has a chance and pointing out the statistics to her would do no good.

I do not think the advice should be run away regardless when the word addict is mentioned. In this case the advice was spot on and the statistics worked the way they should, it still does not make the initial assessment of him right or fair.

I think members of the board just don't want to take that risk. Especially with children being involved in the situation. There is too much at stake and often times addicts become violent. Just my take, I'd never date an addict but some people might feel different

I understand your point BMI and an addict does deserve a second chance. And a person can care for them very much. As a mother I would still care about my child if he were an addict and always hope that he would get and stay clean...But also as a mother of a young and very impressionable daughter I would not want her subjected to that nor would I ever want to put her in a position that could be very dangerous in many ways. The whole situation is very alarming and my concern is for the children. As far as the addict I hope this time it works for him but it sounds like he needs to stay away from his friend that comes into town.

I must point out that over the course of this thread I'm a little shocked over the wording and descriptions being used in terms of addicts. They are people too and to suggest they will not change is not fair, neither is it helpful.

However, you did mention people deserving a second chance although your numbering was off. You being with him in the first place was his second chance, NOT when he relapsed. I am all for you having made that leap of faith in the hopes of him getting better, when he didn't it was time to go. You simply have too much to lose to gamble with someone that has continually shown a lack of sincerity in terms of getting better.

Finally, I will disagree with some of the statements made towards this man and addcts in general, but I do believe the advice is correct. Leave or you'll be dragged down too. You being there for him is not helping him the way you think it is, in fact it may well be hurting him in his recovery. Nevertheless, it is you and your future you need focus on.

I think this girl needed to be "shocked" into the reality of her situation.

I am cynical in my opinions due to my personal and professional experience with people battling a drug addiction, which is why I am grateful for people like you who are hopeful in their rehabilitation, because if the world were full of people with my mindset there wouldn't be so many rehabs, only more jails.

The time for rehab to work on him was when he was in his teens. I AM hopeful for the young people with addictions to be "saved".

That said, this man made a choice to use drugs at a young age. Apparently the Just Say No campaign was lost on him, along with the numerous "second chances". This woman also has a choice. We are all hoping she chooses to walk away from him.

Its been a couple months since I've updated ,
Im still with this guy and he's still doing heroin Its so hard to leave I don't know what to do...

I don't know what advice we can give that you will take.

You know the dangers, you are choosing him over your daughters.

Nothing that we can say will mean anything, you will continue on your self-destructive path.

Why is it hard to leave?

You do know what to do.

Start with re-reading all of these posts.

I've gotten emotionally attached to this man I care so much about him, I've met his mother and she's been threw hell , I don't know how to leave..

I've gotten emotionally attached to this man I care so much about him, I've met his mother and she's been threw hell , I dont know how to leave..

Since you are determined to stay in this relationship.I am giving you a link so that you can contact a counselor free of charge on line to speak to your direct concerns.
I have given you my input previous and my statement still stands but I think this link can help you.You do need help.

Effects of Heroin on the Family (http://www.heroinaddiction2.com/effects-of-heroin-on-the-family.htm)

I Saw him yesterday jobless for months now and collecting unemployment dressed down.
He told me to leave him that I don't deserve everything he's put me and his family threw and that He deserves to be alone and misreable, He told me he wants to change but its so hard Hes attending meetings but conffesed that he shot up again last week. :(

He's still on heroin? REALLY?

You could update this post in another year and it will be the same, only worse.

You said you were emotionally attached from the beginning. Staying with him made it more so.

It's HIS mother. Not your problem. You're making it your problem. WHY?

I guess you WANT to go through hell, too.

You have severe self-esteem issues. Why else would you NEED this guy?

Saddest part is, you've allowed a heroin addict into the lives of your children.

When you should be raising your girls and having fun, enjoying them, teaching them right from wrong, instead you're being the shoulder for his mother to cry on.

You need more help than can be offered here. A counselor can help you find out more about YOU and why you still cannot see why this guy is no good for you or your children.

Sadly, it is his life to live and until he decides to get help, things will always be the same.

Now you have a life with 2 daughters to think about so don't worry about a grown man that most likely will never change.

Focus on your life and kids.

I Saw him yesterday jobless for months now and collecting unemployment dressed down.
He told me to leave him that I dont deserve everything he's put me and his family threw and that He deserves to be alone and misreable, He told me he wants to change but its so hard Hes attending meetings but conffesed that he shot up again last week. :(

You are attached to him and he is attached to heroin.
I know that does not make him a bad guy.I have had addictions in my past and I know what a battle it is but you need to concentrate on your part in this drama.Follow the link I have provided and talk to a counselor.

Its free,you stand to lose nothing. Get help for you and possibly you will then be able to do what is best for him. Get educated about the disease.

Effects of Heroin on the Family (http://www.heroinaddiction2.com/effects-of-heroin-on-the-family.htm)

Van, I can tell you first hand. They do not change, my fiance's ex is going to rehab, again(6th time) for drug addiction(heroin mostly) and this one is a year long(which he won't do) and he just got out of rehab in December after 10 months, THEY DON'T CHANGE!

Van, Please look at the link Artlady provided because you need help. It ashame that it took him to tell you to leave him alone before you realize this. At least he knows he is no good for you because of his habit so please follow his advise and stay away from him.

I've gotten emotionally attached to this man I care so much about him, I've met his mother and she's been threw hell , I dont know how to leave..

What about your emotional attachment to your children?

Does that mean NOTHING to you, because that is all I see.

You aren't a victim and I refuse to treat you like one. These children are victims and if you want to stay with this man, I highly suggest that you look for a legal guardian for your daughters. This is emotionally damaging to their future.

Face the facts, you have no relationship with him.

Something else I want to bring to your attention. This man is using needles and possibly unclean needles which is one of the main tools used to spread AIDS, Hepatitis C and other diseases. Be careful.

Took me 15 years to realize I could not change an alcoholic. MY decision to stay with, leave, and return to him 9 times before I permanantly left him damaged our children... They were 14 and 10 when we finally fled for good. It was by the grace of God that we had our lives when it was all over. The decision is yours, and only yours. Your children are innocents, and should not have to go through the drama, the pain, the fear, the constant rollercoaster life of living with addiction. They deserve a mother who loves them more than a man with a monkey who will never be off his back. Addiction is a lifelong thing. Drugs, alcohol, whatever, addiction is addiction. I am lucky, thankful, and grateful that my two natural children have overcome MOST of the damage that my lack of self esteem choices caused them, but I do know that they could have led much, much happier lives. And THAT was my fault. Their bad childhood memories are MY fault.

Van, I can tell you first hand. They do not change, my fiance's ex is going to rehab, again(6th time) for drug addiction(heroin mostly) and this one is a year long(which he won't do) and he just got out of rehab in December after 10 months, THEY DON'T CHANGE!

I appreciate that you have had one experience but there are many recovered addicts out there.
You are painting with a very broad brush.I was a heroin addict and I know it can be done.

Sadly, I don't think Van will be back.

Hopefully, I'm wrong.

I appreciate that you have had one experience but there are many recovered addicts out there.
You are painting with a very broad brush.I was a heroin addict and I know it can be done.

They have to WANT to kick the habit, have a sound support system and enough will power to do it. There are not a lot of people out there, the number is far greater in the number of relapses than there are in the number of recovered addicts and studies support this.

Van dating is about getting to know your partner. As soon as you realize he had this drug habit you should have walked away but instead you stayed thinking you can help him change but you can't.

You been with him only for 6 months so you couldn't be that much in love with him. I believe your in love with him for all the wrong reason more because you want someone in your life so your was willing to settle. Then you was going try to turn him into the man that he should be but again you can't do that.

I have a male friend that only dates girl with a lot of emotional bagage. He past up the good ones that he might be able to build something with for the ones with all the hang up. I mean so much hang ups that counseling will take for years to sort. He date girls because he feels he can resue them and stitch them back together and them because in love from them but it a dangerous love. The ending always is the same because they always leave.

This is where you have with this guy a "dangerous love" and you have to learn to want more and higher your standards. And know you can't change nobody. When you date a guy immediately think of your kids and think "can you have this guy around your kids?" Your relationships don't only affect you but your kids as well.

Edited

Art lady, as you requested here are the STATS!

And yes, you can give up on someone, just because YOU dug yourself out doesn't mean everyone can. I've had my uncle overdose on heroin after being 10 years clean, 3 years before that his friend overdosed on heroin after being clean for 15 years. The problem with heroin addicts is that once you are clean and relapse you immediately think you can do the same amount you were doing. Don't tell me what I do and do not know, I've study this stuff for the past couple years since my uncle overdosed. The problem with you assuming, makes you look like an @** when proved wrong. I will post plenty of website supporting MY claim as opposed to yours and if you would like I will also PM you my e-mail address if you would further like to indulge in this debate in which you will be profoundly outgunned and out educated.

Heroin Detox (http://www.addictionsearch.com/treatment_articles/article/heroin-detox_10.html)

This shows 85.8% relapse within the first 5 years.
ScienceDirect - Drug and Alcohol Dependence : Prediction of relapse to frequent heroin use and the role of methadone prescription: An analysis of the Amsterdam Cohort Study among drug users (http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6T63-4FJTP29-3&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=63a80611e200b8361dbb4da776a4176d)

Heroin Addiction and Related Clinical Problems 2008 10(4) (http://www.europad.org/journal/2008/heroinadd_2008_4.htm)

I forgot the major one, detailing the figures for relapsing such as how many times the went back to it and if they did stop only to relapse again.

By the way, this a government site that was given to my fiancé from the therapist we saw on how to deal with his addiction in relation to the girls.

One more thing, anyone who has went to through recovery knows you are never done with it, there is always a chance you can fall back into a hole. There have been people who were clean for 30 years only to have one event trigger a relapse.


Older Adults: Substance Use by Older Adults: Estimates of Future Impact on the Treatment System; SAMHSA Office of Applied Studies (http://www.oas.samhsa.gov/aging/chap3.htm)

Yes, working with addicts of all types, few ever kick it and stay off.

I thank everyone for advice and opinions and just because I care about someone who is an addict. Doesn't mean I don't care about my daughters. They haven't suffered but its true they do have a greater chance of being emotionally damaged if they see me struggling with a Heroin addict. Its been hard it took me days from talking to his mom and finding out that he would leave the house every single day for two or three hours and come back high. And yesterday they followed him only to find out that he was going and hanging out with a 56 year old addict. I haven't talked to him its only been a day though its so hard. I wish he would have told me since the beginning of the relationship.

Van, I never suggested you didn't care about your daughters, I am very happy to here of your decision, it is in the best interest of all your lives to rid this guy of being in your life.

My advice, change your numbers as they don't take loss very easily and can sometimes become violent.

Romefalls19 I feel so much for his mom and in a way I would like to tell her thiers hope for his change but Its all up to him and that's the worst part, He doesn't put his all into this change and that's why I had to leave .

I understand completely, my fiance's ex, his mom has been through it all and since he's been 15, they have sent him to 6 different rehabs and he just out himself in one that lasts a year. I don't think there will be a different outcome with him because the last one was 10 months and it only took him 3 to relapse.

Statistics regarding recovery are lacking because a recovered addict is not in the SYSTEM.Not in the system,ie; not in the statistical data.They fall off the map because there is no reason for them to stay in the system.
They go on with their life and live as recovered for years,there is no mapping of addicts past recovery.
You said they never change.Your words,That is painting all addicts as doomed to be addicts forever.
Relapse is even anticipated by counselors.I understand the dynamic of relapse.That does not mean that you lump all addicts into one group and say they never change.That was all I was saying. I merely pointed out that you can not paint all addicts as people who will never change.

For sure you have reason to believe there could be a lot of misery, and pain, when an addict does enter your life, and protecting yourself has to be the first priority. Now that you know these facts about him, protect yourself.

Some do travel the very difficult road to recovery, and must work hard everyday to stay on the path. Sadly many go thru the cycle of on again, off again, with some devastating effects to themselves, and the ones that care.

The bottom line is to be aware, and open minded, but not gullible enough to let them in a position to do harm to you.

And yes, you can give up on someone, just because YOU dug yourself out doesn't mean everyone can.

Sadly the ones that do, never get the press as the ones that don't. Dying seems to be more of an attention getter.

Statistics regarding recovery are lacking because a recovered addict is not in the SYSTEM.Not in the system,ie; not in the statistical data.They fall off the map because there is no reason for them to stay in the system.
They go on with their life and live as recovered for years,there is no mapping of addicts past recovery.
You said they never change.Your words,That is painting all addicts as doomed to be addicts forever.
Relapse is even anticipated by counselors.I understand the dynamic of relapse.That does not mean that you lump all addicts into one group and say they never change.That was all I was saying. I merely pointed out that you can not paint all addicts as people who will never change.

Actually in one of the links I provided they did a study for over 600 people, keeping up with recovered and relapsed drug users for over 10 years in which the fatality rate was far greater than recovery and relapse almost tripled in that regard as well. Relapse is anticipated because it's what they normally do, it's been known to happen this way. You tell me not to lump them all together but you seem to lump them all together as saying they can recover when that is not the case. Very few do recover, and with recovery comes a long battle that becomes a struggle everyday. You cannot assume that everyone who says they are clean, stay clean for their life. The best way to recover from a drug addiction is to simply lay off the stuff, personally in MY opinion, only a weak minded person turn to drugs to escape reality. Deal with your issues head on, there is no such thing as an easy way out.

That's all I am saying on this topic before I start an even more heated argument

Either way, I will gracefully bow out of this argument at the request of my fiancé only adding that we will agree to disagree.

I thank everyone for advice and opinions and just because I care about someone who is an addict. Doesn't mean I dont care about my daughters. They havent suffered but its true they do have a greater chance of being emotionally damaged if they see me struggling with a Heroin addict. Its been hard it took me days from talking to his mom and finding out that he would leave the house every single day for two or three hours and come back high. and yesterday they followed him only to find out that he was going and hanging out with a 56 year old addict. I havent talked to him its only been a day though its so hard. I wish he would have told me since the beggining of the relationship.

I don't think anyone is saying you don't care about your daughters. It's just that as soon as you found out that he was struggling with an addiction to a very dangerous drug that carries with it a dangerous life style, dangerous people, etc. THAT was the time to walk.

You have sympathy for his mother and I appreciate that. The best thing for her to do right now is join a support group for people like her, who have a loved one addicted to heroin. You can't be her support system for many reasons: You, yourself, are naïve to the situation and could not possibly offer advice; and, secondly, you have two daughters to raise on your own. That's enough on your plate.

I commend you for taking this first step in not talking to him for ONE day. I would suggest distancing yourself from his mother, too. You won't truly be able to heal and start over or get him out of your system if you're still hearing the horrible tales she is telling you.

Start no contact with them both. Sure, it will be hard at first, but the longer you do it, the better.

After all is said and done (and I don't think we can offer any more sound advice then what we already have) In a universe of infinite choices there is only ONE correct choice and it is your responsibility to make the right choice. I hope you make the choice that will be best for you and all who will be affected by that choice.

I have attended Al-Anon meetings in the past. I have a family member clean for over 3 years now from meth. At a time when I was so sick with worry I could not sleep, eat, or think rationally, I got a lot of wise advise from the very first meeting, and every one after that. It sure helps to be with people that know what you are feeling and thinking and going through. Even though it was narcotics, the al-anon people accepted me into their group and were a wonderful help to me!! Go, and keep going, it works!

I Haven't been talking to him I changed my number but I've had daily contact with his mother and he hasent changed he's actually gotten worse so Im now trying to leave . I changed my phone number and he contacted me on my myspace with threats that if I don't contact him back I will regret it , I highly regret getting involved in this relationship It sucks.

I would take those messages to the police and see what they say. Drug users are known to be mentally unstable as they are thinking clearly. Anger issues are usually magnified by these drugs and it clouds their judgment and you have no idea what they are capable of. You have to protect your kids as well as yourself.

I understand your talking to his mother to try to support her in some kind of way because she is dealing with a lot but limit your communication with her. It is okay to cal to see how she is doing since the two of you develop a friendship but you don't need to hear about her son. She needs to develop some tough love and boundaries with her son because she can't change him--he has to want to change.

In the meantime you keep his threatening emails and take it to cops to obtain a restraining order. Never put nothing past no one and threats are serious nowadays because many females have had something bad happen to them by a ex. And since he is on drugs you never know what is capable of. Protect yourself and always be aware of your surroundings.

In the meantime block him on myspace and on your email account. I think your doing good by moving on. You deserve so much better. Your taking a step in the right direction. You came a long way. Thums up to you!

Sorry he is doing what he is doing now to you but is an addict and mad you left him. The combination is killing him but who cares about him. But I am more concern about you and your kids.

Glad to hear you changed your phone number and your attitude. You are regretting this relationship now, but just think how you'd regret it if you let it continue. You're doing the right thing and you know it.

I agree about blocking him from your myspace and email, etc. and saving the messages and restraining order is a good idea. He is harassing and threatening you and it could easily escalate. People don't threaten their loved ones.

Never underestimate a drug addict's intentions. They are desperate people.

I know you think you have a friendship with his mom, but really, what do the two of you have in common if not for her son? If you continued the friendship, how in the world would you keep the topic of her son out of the conversation? I just don't see how having daily contact with his mom is good for YOU. Unless it's just helping you see him for what he is. I do think this might go a lot easier for you if you cut contact with his mom, too. That's just my opinion.

I was happy to read that you are taking the right steps toward the right choice. Keep it up. You'll be very thankful you did. Hang in there. We're here for you.

I Havent been talking to him I changed my number but I've had daily contact with his mother and he hasent changed hes actually gotten worse so Im now trying to leave . I changed my phone number and he contacted me on my myspace with threats that if I dont contact him back I will regret it , I highly regret getting involved in this relationship It sucks.

Make a copy of that my space message and bring it to the police station when you go there to get an order of protection.

Or the courthouse. Do it. It may be only a piece of paper but when he is served it he is forbidden to contact you in any way.

That includes threats on the phone or whatever.He will go to jail if he does that .I think your best bet is to go to a shelter. They will help you,they know everything you need to do to protect yourself.

You need to do that ASAP.

Please use this site to get help in your area ,its free and they know what they are doing they can also help the Mom.

The resource is there ,all you have to do is accept it!

National Domestic Violence Hotline (http://www.ndvh.org/)

You will think about the babies? Wow that's crazy. You should have never gotten your kids involved with this in the first place. You just need to move on for the sake of your children.

I once had a crazy boyfriend who threatened me and I had to move away (2 states) before I felt safe. He not only stalked me but one night ran out in front of my car and I was so startled I slammed on the brakes and he jumped in my car before I knew what was going on. It was terrifying. I had him locked up for 3 months after that (he couldn't make bail and I had all the threats he sent me in letters [before the internet]) but for years, YEARS, he told people who knew me that if he found me he would kill me. I didn't come back for 20 years.

These psychopaths do harm every single day. Report everything to the police and get away as far as you can. Read this on staying safe when trying flee an abuser here. (http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/safety-planning.html)

STAY SAFE!

I get the link but artlady does not so it's here: http://www.ndvh.org/get-help/safety-planning/

If the planning page doesn't work just go to www.ndvh.org for lots of information

I once had a crazy boyfriend who threatened me and I had to move away (2 states) before I felt safe. He not only stalked me but one night ran out in front of my car and I was so startled I slammed on the brakes and he jumped in my car before I knew what was going on. It was terrifying. I had him locked up for 3 months after that (he couldn't make bail and I had all the threats he sent me in letters [before the internet]) but for years, YEARS, he told people who knew me that if he found me he would kill me. I didn't come back for 20 years.

These psychopaths do harm every single day. Report everything to the police and get away as far as you can. Read this on staying safe when trying flee an abuser here. (http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html)

STAY SAFE!

Now I got it
.Same site I always recommend.
She is on the right road ,she needs to understand there is a good life out there.

Now I got it
.Same site I always recommend.
She is on the right road ,she needs to understand there is a good life out there.

Yes there is. The first chapter of my book is "My Story" in which I talk about my journey from DV to health and happiness. I also donate the book to DV organizations to spread the word that it IS possible!!