Hi everyone,I'm writing this for myself and for anyone who feels they have the time to read it. For the last few days I've been looking at posts and reading about people's relationships and problems and I must say I'm very surprised but in a way comfortable. I'm not sure why I didn't expect a lot of similar situations, but to be very honest, mine is nothing compared to those I've read about. This whole thing is almost pointless, I know what steps to take but its a lot easier for me to spend time trying to give good advice then to spend time taking my own advice. Therefore, any and all words are appreciated and noted.

I haven't dated many girls in my life, a lot of the time I was just shy, but honestly... I knew what I wanted in a girl and didn't want to date just to have fun because something seemed so wrong and pointless about that. I finally met a girl during a period of insecurity and loneliness in my life.This was my first relationship. She was everything I could've wanted and more, more than I would've ever expected. However, due to my lack of experience and overall facsination with this new relationship and girl, we moved way too fast. I was very cautious toward the beginning because I cared about her and I wanted to take the right respectful steps. However, on the first date she kissed me in a way that was very provocative. One thing led to another and we were mildly fooling around. However we both confessed to be in love with each other. We continued to go out and were very serious about each other but very immature. We had both found somebody we never thought could've existed and we were overtaken with each other. We talked all the time, and saw each other about 3 times a week. We never spent a day without making some sort of contact with each other. She was by nature an extremely sweet individual, the type that writes you notes with little pictures to make you feel better. However she was also slightly needy and didn't really seem to blatantly express her opinions or views on anything. She'd rarely just begin a conversation about something she'd thougth about just for the hell of it. However, she did agree with me about a lot of things although we had our differences.
For some reason unknown to me, I began to feel like she'd always be there and no matter what I did she'd still want to be with me. I am not sure if this made me respect her less but I am sure that it caused me to become selfish. I thought I was happy but I don't believe I was. I believed I loved her, but at the same time, I wanted so much more out of her even though she was the most considerate person id ever met. I did a lot of things to make her happy, but they were mostly on special occasions. I don't think I gave her want she needed on a day to day basis. The little things, like what movie to watch, or going to feed the ducks. Things that I used to think were so sweet began to frighten me and seemed immature and thus I allowed them less. At first I lived for her, but I soon began to want more and did things to try to make myself happy like play video games and sometimes they carried in to our relationship. I got her involved in one of them and it led to a very serious situation in which she had given a little too much information to a guy. At the time I had been talking to a childhood friend of mine who was a girl, and my girlfriend claimed that the only reason she let the information slip is that she was worried about me being interested in other girls and she felt she needed a guy to talk to. However, this information didn't fall under the category of personal help it was more personal in general. As a result I lost a lot of trust in her and broke it off. She cried harder than I had ever thought possible and called incessantly saying she was sorry and that she loved me, bleeding every detail of the situation at my request. I agreed to get back with her but still didn't fully trust her.
Now I realize that even though I knew she didn't, I felt like she owed me something and I put myself on a higher pedestal than her. Every now and then I would lie to her about something just to see her reaction, normally it had to do with another guy or something. I tested her becausei didn't trust her to trust herself. I was sick and absolutely diluted to the point that I couldn't think rationally anymore. We had a lot of good times as the future progressed but I became bitter and confused about what I wanted in life. I often felt like I was the only one who considered the future and that she was just living in the moment, professing false love and sucking me into believing her and putting my heart on the line. I didn't want to allow myself to make a fatal mistake so I broke it off a few times in attempts to understand myself and my feelings, but I never stayed consistent. I wanted to feel what it would be like to end it, but I didn't really want it to fully end. I exposed her to a lot she had never seen before and normally would've never considered. Such as explicit movies or terms. She was innocent, but before we had gotten together she had been dating the wrong guys simply because she wanted someone to love, she just didn't understand. Not that I was the right guy, but I wanted a relationship, not a whore.
She became equally argumentative after a lot of time, and we had little fights off and on, I had allowed a lot of pride to build up and sometimes found it hard to realize I was wrong about something. During all of this, we had a lot of good days, but I began to wonder if I was being too sexual with her. Meanwhile her twin sister is dating guy after guy, doing sexual stuff with all of them and getting hurt over and over. Her dad had cheated on her mom they get a divorce and the mom runs off with some other guy( total loser) after the dad attempts to work it out. Now her dad, having not been involved in her daily life is running a house previously run by her mom and is changing a lot of things. Her feelings are constantly unclear, she says things from time to time but never really has any burst of emotion, other than the constant crying that preceded the beginning of our relationship (she'd cry over the sillyest of things). After about a year and 7 months of being together, she began to change, she wasn't as sweet, and most of the crying had turned into anger. I broke up with her again because I thought she had become too involved in myspace and rapidly been changing. I guess I just wanted to see the old girlfriend I knew, and the only way was to see her reaction again. Although I felt more prepared to end it this time or at least go on a break. Now I might add that I have a very stable family life and I am very lucky. Anyway, this time I had ended it in a way that was nice and not vindictive sounding. So she accepted it, and I felt good about her reaction. I realized later that it wasn't what I wanted and I tried to get her back underr the condition that she'd get rid of her myspace (early on in the relationship she had agreed to delete her myspace if I deleted mine, but mine was used for connections to old friends in japan, but I was still in the wrong).
Due to my sadness and the potential realization that she was prepared to end the relationship, I quickly deleted my myspace and attempted to get her to do the same. Eventually she agreed she would after a very dramatic night in which I saw the old girlfriend I knew, she cried and begged me to not care about things like that. However, a few days later she hadn't deleted her myspace and said she felt we should go on a break. This break hadn't really happened because she wanted to talk to me still. She later finally started to call me less and I began to feel the pain of misssing her. So I attempted to repair the relationship again and found that she wanted to end it for a while and possibly permanently. I have grown more and more convinced that she was very serious about this decision, we were a year apart ( me beign older) and I feel she gained some maturity. We still talked , kissed, and even participated in a couple of benefits. Now we've agreed to stop most of it, although we still talk. We have the same job, so I can't avoid seeing her, and have given up attempting to prevent communication considering even when the job ends for this summer, I will see her everyday in school. I spent a lot of time thinking about everythign, and came to the conclusion that there was and probably still is something wrong with me. I cried many nights thinking about what I put her through and what kind of person I had allowed myself to turn into, but I think I've permanently scared her away, not to mention all the stress she's going through, she probably feels she doesn't need a boyfriend. HOwever she said she wants to date other people, even though I doubt she will or would want me to. Its been a few weeks and I have never suffered so much. I wouldn't have it any other way, I deserve to suffer and it's the only way I would've changed a lot about myself. I want a second chance on this relationship for its sake, to say that we both changed and tried to work it out as changed people, so even if it does end it can end on a better note. Please forgive me for the length, but I thank you tremendously if you actually put the time in to read this incoherent blob of thought and regret. If I made any inconsistancies or failed to provide any information, let me know. Any opinions are most appreciated!

You need to not date anybody and find out first what it is you want in a woman. Second you need to quit beating yourself up. Just stop. It's depressing and the truth is it's never going to help you get her back.

The problem with trying to go back with someone you've already been with is you always bring the baggage with you even if you both agree not to. It will always pop up and both of you will always be thinking about it even if you don't say anything about it.

Give yourself permission to grow as a person and learn from this experience.

I think you know yourself, and what the deal is very well. You know this is going to hurt for a while, but don't just sit and worry about it. The time will go faster if your enjoying it. Of course you've figured that out or am I giving you too much credit. No one knows what the future holds but for now work on you and get a better perspective in 6 months or a year. Time will clear the head.

You really need to learn about balance in a relationship... you need to learn to pull back when she pulls back.

You kept LOWERING her interest level. Ever time she pulled back - you came on stronger... big mistake.

I don't think yo ugave her any space to breath and be herself.

This why you date A LOT - you learn this stuff.

Women HATE, resent, take for granted - guys who come on too strong. Hate it. Huge turnoff.

You really need to learn about SPACE.

Leave this women alone for at leas t2 months - no contact - if you're still trying to pursue her.

The advice has been very helpful, I thought id also add that she is very insistant that even if I date someone or she dates someone that we talk still. I'm not sure if that's the right course of action, she calls me multiple times daily, not to mention she still hugs me at work and kisses me goodbye. I'm not sure if she's even coping with her actions, or if all I put her through was making her cope through our relationship and this is easier for her. Are there any particular steps I should take in my current situation?

Red flags going up-She's trying to keep your friendship but stay close to you, and keep you close to her. I don't like it when it seems like someone is stringing you along for whatever reason. I could be wrong but I advise you to keep a distance, and keep your eyes open. Don't be so available to her. It might be just me but..

No I understand completely, don't think she wants to give me up as a person. I am prepared to be her friend, but I don't think something like that is appropriate at this point in time,especially considering I am continuing to attempt to diminish the feelings I have for her, and identify why I have them.

Don't become her friend - you're her backup plan...

NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE THE BACKUP PLAN.

That huggin gand kissing is weird -stay away from her.

Lol, I knew I was going to hear the backup line eventually. Its something I've thought about. I think to a certain degree everyone becomes a backup plan after a relationship. Many consider getting back with that person later on when the two have changed, or at least becoming friends. I have pretty much stated that if we start dating other people, I wouldn't want to talk anymore, for the future of my relationships and my current stability. Should I tell her I don't want to talk anymore now? I myself don't contact her, I am not easily manipulated, but I have expressed interest in this relationship working out. She's not thinking about the relationship hardly at all, let alone other relationships. She seems to just want to sort things out in her own life, and perhaps she wants me there as friendly support, without the difficulties of managing a relationship. Even in our relationship, we were best friends. I'm not sure what to do.

Yes. Give it back her - tell YOU need SAPCE and TIME alone...

I bet she won't like that - who cares.

Have a spine in this going forward.

No more huggin gand kissing - that's weird.

If I read your post right you say you broke up with her through out your relationship just to see how she would react. I took it more than once. How many times? This is not a good sign of being mature enough to handle a relationship. You have some good insights to yourself, but I think you are missing how you were playing games with her. You admit to lying to her just to get her reaction. It does not matter what the other person does, when you lie it is on you. There has to be trust in a relationship. You say she was not consistent in your relationship, but how about you? You would lie to her to get a reaction, break up with her often to get a reaction or see how you would feel without her. You may find her actions as a yo yo, but how has yours been? This may not be what you wanted to hear, but you sound as though you really want to get it together, only hearing it was her fault is not going to help you. You certainly played a game which may have caused her to feel like she was on quicksand in your relationship and did not want to continue that way. She is having a hard time because she cares about you, but can not continue with your breaking up with her on a whim.

This is just a thought, maybe I read your post differently, no one else seem to see it that way.


Don't become her friend - you're her backup plan.....

NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE THE BACKUP PLAN.

That huggin gand kissing is weird -stay away from her.

I agree with you 99% of the time. Did you read how many times he broke up with her through their relationship just to see how it felt or what her reaction would be? That's not cool.

I kind of did - but it was hard to follow. Yes - some imaturity issues here. Yu don't play with someone like that.

This is exactly what I wanted to hear. It plays into what I believed was the truth ,but wasn't sure. Its so nice to know that others identify the same problems and give the same diagnoisis. I think I realized what I was doing wrong, but was too afraid to admit it. Now, those decisions seem absolutely foreign to me. However, the consequences are the consequences and I am very prepared to deal with them in hopes that they will make me a better person.

I kind of did - but it was hard to follow. Yes - some imaturity issues here. Yu don't play with someone like that.

Hey, that's the wildcat, I know it was hard to follow, I had to go back a couple of times. Thank you, I cannot comment on you, got to hand it around

You may talk to her about all of that. Not that you two need to get back together, but get some honesty out there and see if you can't get some things straight in your mind and hers. It is as though the both of you are floating around in space.:) Neither one trusting the other. I don't think either of you are too ready for a relationship.

Going forward - don't play with a women's emotions like that - be a good guy.

So wait, being a jerk to a certain point is OK, but I should be a good guy overall? Im a tad bit confused, like I said, the whole nice guy-jerk stuff has got me mixed up.

No you never be a jerk.
There is a difference between being a Jerk, a nice guy and good guy.

Just be yourself OK? But don't completely surrender yourself to people ealry on. You need to tread carefully and slowly. Don't come on too strong.

But being a jerk won't work.

Your post was hard to follow but I got the same thoughts out of it as K3. You were continually breaking up with her to get a reaction and then getting back with her.

This is ridiculous. You have some issues right now that you need to work on. I see you have come a long way already but I really think you need to try as hard as possible to sut contact with this girl.
At least until you understand and know yourself a little better.

She has no right to request that you 2 always remain friends. It might sound nice in theory but it just can't work.

Leave her alone and work on yourself. Learn about yourself! Be comfortable about who you are!

Good luck!

A good guy is his own man. Confident and comfortable with who he is. He has a spine and knows what he wants and who he is!
He is happy with or without his partner. He loves himself as much as he loves his partner. But he is considerate about his partners feelings and is generally a person who everyone enjoys to be around.

A jerk is a selfish, unstable, immature person who only loooks after oneself with no regard for their partner. This migt be attractive for a little while but eventually it will en in pain.

A nice guy completely surrenders to their partner and is generallt not confident on themselves and clings onto a relationship to keep them happy. They are so insecure they treat their partner as if they are there life. It is great in the begginning but this clingyness will wear thin with their partner eventually..

The above is sort of a roough overview of Good guy, Jerk and Nice Guy. At least what I can gather.

Most importantly YOU should just be YOU. But first you have to work out who you are and be comfortable and confident in yourself.

At the moment I don't see that!

Jerk/Bad Girl = unavailable, shut down, remote to the point of self-centered, often found demanding space, poor communications, mixed signals, often the chasee.
Nice guy/girl = codependent, needy, to the point of other-centered, often pesters beyond toleration, plays the victim card, can't be without a partner, often the chaser.
It usually works better to call it by its real name. These can fit either gender and neither has a well developed sense of self.
Usually the unavailable hook up with codependents and it works, for a while...
Healthy relationships require a good balance of interdependence, where there is some overlap but not too much -- which yields a him, a her and an us with good boundary definition and a sense of cooperation, even negotiation.

Val got it here.

BALANCE is the key. But balance only comes when both parties are completely comfortable with who they are!

Otherwise one party will beceom clingy and needy and it will push the other away!

You guys have been extremely helpful, but I do have one issue. I'm not sure that communication is going to stop. I feel fine when I'm not talking to her. However she calls me, and we talk about things and we laugh and joke and have a good time. Then I say I have to go or she says she has to go, and we say bye and continue with our day. I don't think she wants to stop talking, do I think we should? If I really wanted this to permanently be over yes. However, the more time I spend without her, the more time I spend correcting my mistakes just before I make them or right after I make them, the more I change I feel like with a little more time I can start over with her and do it right. Even if we don't make it, it seems as if I can rebuild something good out of all that's happened to us. She found this thread and read everything on it, she doesn't sound bitter and to be honest, she sounds happier. I feel prepared to do what I must, but I still get a feeling that I can make this something better, but I just need a little more time, I feel as though even if we did end it completely, she would still be one of my best friends in my heart, so I would be cutting off two relationships. I could do that, however I honestly don't know if its necessary. Any thoughts?

Well everyone has given you the same advice.
Maintaining the contact won't work but you seem hellbent on continuing so I doubt you are going to listen.

You see by her calling you and you answering and talking to her you are still under her complete control. She has you exactly where she wants you.

Like a little puppy dog on a lead and when she yanks the chain you come running back.

NOT GOOD! Do you want to be that!

She is keeping you where she wants you.

You are simply punishing yourself in my opinion. It won't work this way.

You need to get away. Leave her alone.
Don't ANSWER HER CALLS.

You have other things to do. I personally for your own good and healing process you need to cut all contact.

I have felt all your feelings. They are false. It is false hope you are holding on to right now.

I thought me and my ex would be the greatest of friends forever. We could sit in the front row of each other weddings and be happy. NOT Going to HAPPEN!!

It doesn't work like that! Trust everyone here.

Right now you need to move on and work on YOU.

No one can say it will be over forever. No one can say she will come back.

But I will say this. If you want the best chance for you two to be together again you need to make her realise what she is missing out on.

The only way to do that is remove yourself completely from her life for a while. 3 months or so!

You think she will forget you? Ha ha. No way! She won't forget you! And if she does well she wanst worth it!

I do hope you listen and trust the advice everyone gives you.

I know I wish I found this site as early in my break as you have. I wouldn't have made the many mistakes that makes my relationship almost irrepairable!

Perhaps your expectations were too high. It does sound like she was overly needy, clingy and immature. Dealing with her parents' divorce certainly didn't help matters either. You needed some space as we all do from time to time and that's normal. I believe you're right in that you moved things way too fast initially. Your post doesn't make it entirely clear just how long it's been since the two of you had any contact. However, if you truly feel that you want to give things a second chance then some honest, heart-to-heart communication is necessary here. You'll both need to genuinely talk about your needs and expectations and decide whether the two of you are compatible. I think a mutual agreement to end the myspace and other similar online forums will be essential if you're going to make a go of it. If the two of you truly have a compatible relationship then there should be no need for either of you to be "meeting" other people on myspace or whatever. Keep in mind also that no double standards will be tolerated ; expect to abide by the same expectations you impose on her and vice-versa.

I don't envy your situation as you have to see the object of your hurt and affection everyday and I do realise how hard it is to make a clean break under those circumstances. We all do what we have to, to be true to ourselves, and the fact is some of us learn the hard way. No matter what anyone says some can see what's in front of them and avoid the pain of first hand disappointment and some will crash and burn. You will have to decide for yourself how to deal with this female who is so close and in your head you can't see anything else not even how you feel. She knows what she's doing you don't. Not a very fair playing field. What's the solution since you can't run and hide? Honesty , the cold truth. Don't hold anything back, if you want it, SAY so. Sit her down and lay it out. If she doesn't feel the same way move on. No crying, b*****ing, guilt, remorse, or begging. Get it all out in the open so it can be dealt with.

I see nothing wrong with talking to her. As for what I read she had every right to say she needed a break from your relationship. I think what everybody is missing here is the fact that you were a jerk also the whole way through your relationship by breaking up with her so much for no reason other than to see her reaction or to see how you felt without her. As I said in an earlier post you both sound as though you are not ready for a relationship. I do think you can talk this out and be honest with each other and communicate and no games and no lies. Both of you. There is a reaction to every action and she may have reacted to some of your actions. Very understandable. I am not siding with either of you. I just see both of you have issues. When and where they started only the 2 of you know. Everyone seems to think she is the bad guy here. I don't see it that way. I see both of you at fault. I have stayed friends with guys I dated, there is nothing wrong with that. I have an ex-husband that is the father of my children. We get along great. It is wonderful for our children. Just because two people can not have a relationship or be married does not necessarily mean either are bad. Just together they are not right, but with someone else, they are great.

You know what is in your heart, you deep down know what you want to do. I think where you were at fault also, you need to take whatever blame was yours and the two of you need to talk it out. I would have broken up with you also if you had continually broken up with me for no reason. Her friends were probably saying, why do you put up with him? He will do it again. You may have been showing those signs again and she just didn't want to go through it again. This is just some of what I got out of your post. You know the answers.
As you can see I have never been one to take sides. There are usually two sides to everything. I admit there are times when it is blatant one person is at fault. Not now.

I certainly don't see her as the bad guy but I just don't think talking to one another everyday is going to help. Unless the communication is blunt and too the point. They have to decide whether it is good to try again (how many times will that be? ) or break for good.

This continual cycle of breaking up with one another and getting back together surely has to stop.

It certainly isn't her fault. No way!

I just think that being friends with someone and talking to them just after breaking up only ends in hurt. Just my opinion though.

They both need time to themselves.

But as Tal said, and it is my fault for forgetting but this may be difficult given that she is still in hs life on adaily basis.

But never the less I think in order to work on themselves and work out who they are, you really need to do it alone and without constant communication!

Once they know exactly what each other wants then I certinaly agree with talking about it! But they both must be willing to accpet each others decisions!

You can stay friends with people you have dated, no doubt. But wouldn't it be very hard to be friends with someone you had a serious relationshop with? I don't think I could and I don't see any of my friends who have been able to!

Hello everyone, I thank you all again for your help in my other post. I have taken every word into consideration and I now am facing a few decisions, however I have some other questions that I would like to ask, they may seem strange, but I feel I need them answered. Any help is appreciated. Thanks

1. How much do sexual relations at an early age affect future relationships? Does it result in less opportunity?

2.Does lust (and I don't necessarily mean sexual intimacy, I mean very complex/foreign sexual desires and actions)exist while in love? Can it, those of you who have been married or are deeply in love with someone in your relationship, do you experience lust with that person even after much time together?

3. Is it wrong to continue a relationship with someone without necessarily intending for it to end in marriage? Given that the partner and you agree that you are unsure about it working out that far, but are open to possibility. You just enjoy being with each other and want to officialize all your connections(emotional,social,physical) rather than participate in a "friends with benefits"-like relationship.

That's all for now, they are strange I know, but I'm very curious about their answers so if anyone has any ideas, please enlighten me.:confused:

1. Like a kid with a new toy we grow from curiosity to experienced. The opportunities depend on you as you will be the one to seek the partners you want to have the opportunities with. You attitude toward sex will dictate how often and with who.
2. I've been married 32 years and yes I still feel lust.
3. Unless you know what your looking for in a relationship you'll find it hard to define one with another person, it takes two people to agree how they want to live and deal with life together, whether marriage is the goal. Many couples reject a formal marriage but live and love each other forever. It depends on the people involved being mature enough to hone the skills necessary for a long term relationship. If you think about it marriage is a friends with benefits deal, with the proper paper work.

Hope I've helped. How old are you anyway?

1. I personally believe that sexual relations at an early stage of the relationship isn't a good start. I believe this because I feel the relationship has started on the wrong foot and is just sex based! Which in most instances I think that will fade away by time, and either person could get bored. However we are all individuals and it may work for some but not for others! I would rather see a guy who is interested to talk to me and learn a lot about me before he tries to jump in the sack because I wouldn't find that appealing really.

2. Yes I believe so. Im married, been with my husband a total of 8 years. I love him with all my heart and I'm deeply in love with him, I fancy him and I still feel lust ( infatuation ).

3. If both parties in the relationship have spoken about it and agree, then definitley, yes that's fine!

Hope I've helped too :)

In my post I have said time and again they are too immature and have too many issues to have a relationship. If they want to talk to each other, it seems they are. Talk, but fess up, tell the truth and don't play games. They see each other every day, they cannot avoid one another, it would make it easier for them and their coworkers. (A good reason not to date coworkers)
It is apparent they want to talk to each other. It seems as though they get along better as friends. I have dated guys that I found were great friends before and after but not good dating material.

As far a being friends after a relationship, it depends on the level of relationship. I have known some people that never want to see another, that is their right and what works for them. It seems as though these guy have broken up so much they haven't had time to develop much of a relationship.

Grayfox, I really think you could use some counseling on this breakup issue you have. It seems to me you have some insecurities and knowing she will come back satisfies something in you. I have a friend that she and her husband would split up about every 6 months for years. They finally went to counseling and he described it as the "honeymoon syndrome". Just think about why you really did it and until you can conquer that it would be unfair to go with someone.
These are just observations, it is hard when you hear one side and do not see people in action. :)

Well, I agree with all answers you have received so far. I just want to ask one question that Tal asked, but has not yet been addressed.

How old are you? How old is your partner?

To be perfectly honest, my answers will vary according to age. I can tell you what I think, but my answer will be based on my age. There are fine lines when it comes to certain relationships.

Oh, I'm 17 years old, my ex girlfriend was 16. I'll be 18 in October and she'll be 17 in January.

Okay, to answer your first question:

At your ages sexual relationships can affect future relationships because the "new partner" may feel inexperienced or have issues that feel like jealousy toward the ex. I am not sure what you mean by resluting in less opportunity, but if I am reading you right, I don't see how it would. You would just need to be up front, open and honest with the new partner about past relationships.

For the second question: Yes, in a true love relationship lust will remain.

Lastly, I believe it is wrong to continue in a relationship that you do not intend to proceed to marriage if your partner does not feel the same way. You both must be on the same page. If she is infatuated and planning weddings, looking at dresses, then yes it is wrong to continue that because she thinks it will end up this way. If you do not feel this way then you have to open up and communicate your feelings, do not assume she knows what you are thinking.

So, all in all, both partners of a relationship must have open communication.

Thanks everybody, I believe the overall consensus was about the same, so I believe my question has been effectively answered, however if anyone has anything they'd like to add please post it. Thanks again

Oh, and by less opportunity I meant do you think it would affect potential partners who believed in saving sex until after marriage, because technically, that's what I believe. However, I believe the answer to that question is pretty obvious...

Dude - I didn't realize you were that young. You are thinking WAY too much for some your age. Just have fun, don't lead women on, hold off on sex - believe me - sex too early ruins it! - this from an old dude.

As I stated in my first post here... Age matters.

Whenever I try to answer questions in the "health desk" I make sure I know age.

The chemistry in age is so different from one decade to the next, so we have to be careful we do not assume.

It sucks though that most of my answers begin with "What is your age"

But I tend to answer more appropriately that way.

Yeah I also didn't realise you were so young.
Man, just enjoy being young for now and don't think so much. You'll drive yourself insane and girls your age don't want a guy who takes himself so seriously. Just relax, enjoy yuorself and have fun.
19, it is a great age to be.
Don't ruin it by worrying too much about relationships. I can speak on good authority here.
If you are a fun guy and enjoy yourslef and love yourself then the girls will come. They'll probably flock to you. But if you think too much and are really serious about everything they will run!

1. I believe that premature sexual encounters jeopardize your chances for eventually having a stable, happy, long-term committed relationship. Once you give yourself away to someone you can't just go and take it back and start all over again. This affects people emotionally which in turn affects their future relationships. Any counselor will tell you that any couples in crisis that they counsel invariably had sexual relations before they married.

2. Certainly. If you are in love with somebody you will be physically attracted to them.

3. Personally I don't believe that you should have any kind of relationship with someone that you wouldn't marry. If you have come to the conclusion that they're not marriage material then scratch them off your list.

Saving your sexual initiation for when you are married is going to weed some girls out, but so do many other things... and its all good weeding out. This way who is left is much more likely to be like-minded and able to support you in your decisions, which is good.

I am in favor of being slow at getting into the sexual aspect. And that wasn't easy for someone coming of age during the "Free Love Generation" either! It turns out to be a matter of quality versus quantity -- sex with someone you know well is, for me, far better than with a proverbial stranger... I was going to say relative stranger but LOL I didn't like how that looked! :eek:

But the neat thing of it is... the fast get with the fast and the slow with the slow and it all works out somehow-- amazing, isn't it?

I believe you are very right k 3, it's a scary thought to not understand myself at all. I honestly don't know how to change, every now and then I feel these things start to come back and I don't understand what they are or why I feel them. I just know that satisfying them makes me happy. For instance, I can't stop looking at her myspace, don't get me wrong I'm not obsessed, I just feel like at any moment something is going to pop up that she was hiding or I'm going to watch the person I knew unfold into something worse. Every time I think of that, its hard to concentrate or even eat. I think more than I care about breaking up, I want to know that the person I dated meant everything they said and will not change into something less or do things out of character. However, its not my right to want that I guess, people change. I don't believe this relationship is the problem, I think the problem is rooted much deeper in me. I just can't figure out what they all are, let alone how to fix them. At nights I get very depressed and feel very lonely, I try to keep my mind busy through t.v. or games, but that doesn't really help. The thought of bed makes me unhappy, and a lot of times all I want is to feel secure, warm, and happy. For some reason, I feel like having my girlfriend there will give me those things. The next day, those thoughts are gone though. The thought of a relationship has always made me happy inside, that's what I've always wanted, and although I'm not hanging on to this one, it makes me wonder if dating casualy will satisfy anything. I would like to add, for those of you who are now no longer questioning why my girlfriend and I aren't together, that I do not share these feelings, especially with her. I don't consider myself a dependent person, but I am not happy alone. I was like that before my relationship and I don't remember being the happiest person, the only time I felt happy was when I was somewhere that I felt I belonged. Sometimes, on a game that I enjoyed where I could communicate to people and be a part of a team I would have a good time. Knowing that my skill, sense of humor, and ability to just enjoy the game were all greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, I'm fairly ineffective at diagnosing my own problems, however I feel its easier to help people with theirs. I believe the obvious answer out of my ignorance is the only answer I have to clutch hold of in hopes that this is all temporary. I'd like to believe its just being an adolescent, and all a process of growing up. However, not many people my age are like that, you get the goth kids who hate everything and everyone, but even they find each other and achieve happiness. I like people, I am not goth, I go to church, I have no medical conditions that are known to me. I have strong beliefs in a lot of things, and don't have much to regret other than potentially this relationship. I have been told I think too much for my age, I believe it, but I am unable to stop. I am utterly clueless. If anyone has any comments, it would never bother me to hear them. Honesty is most appreciated.

Gray, I hate to say it but you are as normal as they come. Maybe a little more mature but a typical young human going through the transition we all go through. NORMAL. Be patient as things take their own time in developing. Just as you enjoy your games then try to include more people in your life as now is the perfect time to use your emerging independence and hidden skills to hone your personality. Back in the day (way back) I was into trying everything as far as activities at school went. And I loved getting attention from the ladies, but I wasn't a player just had a lot of phone numbers and female friends. You learn a lot that way and meet some interesting females. So don't hide your light under a bushel, get out in the world and explore learn and enjoy. So what if you fall flat on your face a few times (done that too) GET up dust yourself off and get back in to it. There is no shame in failure, the shame is not trying. GO FOR IT!

GREAT STUFF Tal!

I think a lot of what we've learned here is...

It's good to go Friend First... I've tried to rush into relationships and they crash and burn everythime.

Go slow... or again, you will crash and burn.

This is not a question of your personal preferance, I promise, but are you sure you like women?? It seems to me like you put her through the wringer just to see what kind of reaction you would get, like she was some sort lab experiment.

I agree with K3 that you handled this one a little too immaturely, you both did. You guys went way too fast and it's hard to see when you're having a good time. I also agree with Wildcat that you need to keep your distance right now. No contact. It doesn't matter if you guys enjoy it, just don't do it. Give yourself and her time to think and grow. Contact interferes with that.

I don't know if an attempt to save this relationship with her will work, it doesn't sound like it to me. Too many negative memories and actions went into this one, but every failed relationship is a learning experience that will only help you on the next one.

You sound like a good guy who just had some growing up to do, so do it.

I have cut communication as best I can, but I can't be sure that it will last. I have a bit of a problem with mood swings, earlier today I was completely happy and couldn't be more over this situation, I knew exactly what kind of girls I wanted to meet and how I wanted to meet them. Now I can't stop wondering how I could've let this happen, why I did what I did, and what I should've done instead. I am so utterly responsible for everything that I'm feeling that its practically ironic. I wrote her a very long letter explaining how I felt, and that I'm sorry for exposing her to what I did. I said I couldn't keep her from making mistakes if she was going to choose to make them. I told her I'd miss her, but I'd get over her. I am not sure how long I'll be able to stand it. I just don't want to care.

As we mature in life and grow from boy- to man there will be a lot of things we must do or go through that we might not like. You may not want to face the pain of this break-up but you really don't have a choice. That just how life is. Instead of hiding take this opportunity to grow up and re-think your actions and try to find a better way of doing things for yourself. Instead of not caring ,you should care enough about yourself and any future relationship to improve and get better as a mature male human being and see the games you plated yesterday as a bygone mistake that will not be repeated. We all have those times in our life when we must decide who we are and how we want to face the unknown of life. Now is your time to decide about you. Leave the girls alone and make yourself better by focusing on what your doing in your life, and believe me, if you look around there are a lot of things to do that will benefit your life now and your future later. Girls/relationships are great but they aren't everything. Balance your life a bit and make sure you find out who you are so you know how to be true to yourself.

It seems as though your mood swings may be an obstacle for you. When you wrote "i knew exactly what kind of girls i wanted to meet and how i wanted to meet them.", you were on the right track, because it wasn't about how you felt, but rather what you thought. We tend to go with our feelings because they are usually the easiest. We do this or that because it makes us feel good, versus asking ourselves the question, is it the right thing to do? Feelings are great, but they can get us into troubling, confusing situations.

You're right, you can't keep her from making mistakes, but you can keep yourself from making them. It's a matter of choice. If you decide to, you'd be amazed at what you can do by simply making the right choices and giving actions some well deserved thought before doing or saying anything.

Ok, I am going to add my 2 cents here after reading all the posts!

1. I don't think you were a jerk, but I do think that you were somewhat controlling after you felt really comfortable in the relationship.

2. Her trying to gain equal control, or changing (which is normal at your age) made you want to break up with her... think about that... that is not a good relationship...

3. You see your weaknesses, and I agree with those on here who have pointed them out to you! You have been a yo yo, not sure of what you want, but blaming the other person.

4. I think you both are equal here in this relationship AND breakup. I think you are young and you tend to want to remain friends cuase you don't know any different... BUT...

5. You want remain friends out of comfort, which, in my opinion, got you in this conflict (inner and relationship) in the first place...

6. I would suggest stop talking to her on a regular basis, stop looking at her myspace, and attempt to move on. She is still in your life, daily, and in your thoughts, and your heart, and you will NEVER move on like that, and end up right back in a relationship that you didn't even trust in the first place... does that make sense??

7. Work on yourself, your weaknesses, and find out why you do those things...

8. I do not agree with being friends right off the bat! You still have feeling for each other. I have remained friends with a few of my long term boyfriend, but we parted for awhile and then gained friendship after we were on a different level of emotion and in our lives... it will get complicated if you stay friends right now... trust me! But because it is like you are still together, you can't see that yet!

I do think that this is normal, but I am trying to help you see things you can't right now! But you can't work on yourself when you are in the middle of chaos! You need to step aside a little more! OUt of your comfort zone! :P Hope I am being helpful!

And I do think you are mature for your age... in some ways... but learn from this... please really learn about yourself and make changes... otherwise you will have the same problems in your next relationship, no matter who it is... I have to keep remembering how old you are! Haha

Thanks again, and yelo, that was very good advice, I feel out of my comfort zone and I can feel myself forcing to cope with things I normally would take control of or attempt to end. I really hope this helps, it is very difficult to keep myself from acting the way I did, but I'm starting to get used to it. I've imagined the worse possible scenarios that she could be in and made myself believe they were happening in some attempt to get an early start on coping with them should they ever occur. I believe I have changed in some ways, but I know I'm not finished. I think part of what's holding me back is the idea that perhaps the prospect of the break-up along with potential choices shed make would cause changes in me and allow a relationship in the near future after I have loosened up. I am not sure if that is an accurate idea, or even a good one. I hope the fact that I have this idea doesn't effect the changing process in any way, it doesn't really make me feel comfortable after I think about it, so I hope it won't. Thanks again for your help, and why did you say you have to keep reminding yourself how old I am? Is my situation not typical for my age?

Well, sometimes our actions are a result of our feelings, either we are acting them out or avoiding them. So I would suggest looking at the toxic actions and WHY you are doing them... what feeling... and if you are having a hard time, I would suggest counseling... to help you figure it out...
Keep the wprk going on looking at yourself... and ONLY YOU!! No, "what ifs" or "shoulds"... just look at now, and today, and grow from this... you can control you, and NEVER anyone else... hope you can understand yourself really well for your next relationship.

We are never perfect, but knowing ourselves is half the battle. As Dr. Phil always says... (I know I know... I am going to hear it... ) You can't change what you don't acknowledge... so keep learning and being honest, I like that...

No - I LOVE Dr. Phil - I used to0 hate him... but he is so right al the time. Some times he says things we don't want to here - but he deals IN REALITY!!
Dr. Phil is Awesome - believe me. Heis always right.

I have cut communication as best i can, but i can't be sure that it will last. I have a bit of a problem with mood swings, earlier today i was completely happy and couldnt be more over this situation, i knew exactly what kind of girls i wanted to meet and how i wanted to meet them. Now i can't stop wondering how i could've let this happen, why i did what i did, and what i should've done instead. I am so utterly responsible for everything that im feeling that its practically ironic. I wrote her a very long letter explaining how i felt, and that im sorry for exposing her to what i did. I said i couldnt keep her from making mistakes if she was going to choose to make them. I told her i'd miss her, but i'd get over her. I am not sure how long i'll be able to stand it. I just dont want to care.

Grayfox,

When I was a teenager, I used to have mood swings and suffer from depression and I blamed it on being Irish. In reality that was a cop out for a horrible family life and immaturity. Both of which you can overcome. This is going to sound totally strange to you given the lifestyle and quick fixes we have in our society but I cured my own depression and mood swings purely by accident when I started working out and as a result I changed my diet. Changing my diet to more natural foods and water as opposed to processed foods and pop (or soda as we say down south, I'm learning). Just changing my diet cured my depression and mood swings. I felt better and more awake than I ever did as a teenager and I never even realized why. You may need medication, but just try changing your diet and see what happens to your mood swings.

Secondly, take it from me, if you haven't given her that letter don't. It's just going to driver her further away and make her put you in the "stalker" category. I'm not saying that you are, or those are your intentions but it's only going to scare her away.

I know young teens have a lot of mood swings, but I cannot agree yours are all normal. Not wanting to go to be at night. Needing to feel secure, warm and happy. You mentioned waiting for your girlfriend to turn into something worse or find out she was hiding something. I cannot help but think there is diffinately something in your childhood that makes you feel insecure. Something that makes you not trust. When my daughter and husband were divorced, my grandson would sleep in a bed at my house, but insisted on sleeping on the couch at his mom or dad's house. Some counseling got him through that. My step-son has a really hard time with girls. His mother stepped out on his father a lot and the boys knew. He is always sure his girlfriends are going to do something like that. He told me he breaks up with them just to see them cry and he knows they really care. I was a teen, had teen children, some children that stayed with me as they had bad homes. They talked to me about many issues. I just feel you need to find why you feel so insecure. Examine your relationship with your parents, siblings, piers. If you have a secure loving feeling with your parents, that is where you should feel good and safe. I am sure some of the mood swings are normal, but there just seems to be something there that cries out to me as you need to feel some security within yourself, I am not sure maturity is going to fix it unless you understand what it is.
This is just a thought, I am reading a bit between the lines here. I just care about you and you sound as though you are getting no peace thinking about all of this.

Wow I really appreciate all the though and help. Thank you. Well I've been forced to cope with a few more things that have made this process a little easier. She doesn't want to go out again until at least after christmas, she feels she needs to fix her life and she doesn't want anything serious. Although she does seem to want to date other people (both of us). Its kind of hard because she pretty much never talks to me at work anymore, only this other guy, and they laugh and chat and goof off all the time. Earlier today after he found out yesterday that we broke up, he asked her to come to cici's pizza with him. She went and then he took her home and got her phone number, telling her hed call her sometime. Initially I thought I never wanted to talk to her again, and although I attempted to put the final preparations on our relationship that included both of us very upset and her crying, I was unable to commit after about 10 minutes and pretty much told her I still wanted to be with her. She stayed consistent with her answer about December and dating other people, claiming I could never understand that her intentions with the guy that invited her to cicis could never be serious or come close to what we had. She also said she didn't want to be with someone she cared about right now. As for me, this is a very big difference from the past, so I had trouble coping with that, and now I appear to be inconsistent and unable to mean what I say. However, I now believe I have become desensitized to the idea of her dating someone else, even kissing. To be honest, had she not consistently said one thing about how she felt, I don't think I would've changed too much yet. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps its best for me to date someone else, just to make sure her and I are on the same page, and to potentially speed up the healing process and give me a little more confidence. Although, I am unsure. I had some crazy idea that I owed her the same amount of fight that she gave me when I attempted to end the relationship. I am starting to wonder if she's losing respect for me because of that. So I have decided I will not care about where her and this guy go. Her decision is hers, and I can't make it for her although id like to. I am leaving work for school after I finish the week, so that will no longer be a problem. I will see her in school most likely every day, but the other guy goes to a different school so it won't be too hard. She cried a lot today when faced with no longer being able to talk to me. For some reason that makes me feel a little better, it would be a lie for me to say I don't like it when she cries over us. For some reason it gives me some little ounce of reassurance that our relationship wasn't in vain. I still hope for the best outcome between us, I hope I can date someone else for a while, but I hope her relationship with him blows over very soon and she concentrates on school. I also won't lie that I hope we can get back together, but I don't want someone who doesn't want me. We might go on a picnic tomorrow, I just needed to relax with her and create at least one good recent memory for her to hold on to. I'd like to add that she is not stringing me along, she was very prepared to do what I thought was best tonight, despite her crying... at least until I collapsed, and if you're wondering, no I don't believe she expected me to collapse, I am a fairly convincing person when I mean something and its rarely temporary. I don't believe I've taken all the right steps or hardly any for that matter, but I'd like to start, its going to be much easier when school starts on the 5th of sept. Any honest recommendations would help a lot... my feelings fluctuate... but I believe I am able to see things a little clearer than before.

Do you think it a little dishonest dating someone when your still pining over your ex? Can you justify leading someone down a dead end? Could you be over thinking this whole thing as a way to hold on to something that is OVER? Seeing her cry makes you happy? You have made yourself sound so very noble, that I don't believe you.

You say you are very convincing when you mean something, and it is rarely temporary. I am here to tell you Grayfox read your posts. Your thoughts and feelings are about as temporary as they get. I think you want what you can not have. If it is there, you do no want it, when you think it is going to go away you, want it. You tell her you want to not see each other, she cries, you like that so you give in, but you may change your mind in a minute so stay tuned. You are looking for someone else to make you happy. This is your major 1st and only problem. No one is going to make you happy. You have to learn to make yourself happy. You have to learn to like being with yourself. You have to love yourself in order to like being with yourself. I don't mean in a self centered way. You are using girls to satisfy your insecurities. You want to date another girl until this one makes up her mind. You need to keep your relationships casual until you can get your mind clear. Your mind is running all over the place. I really do not find this normal. Everyone else may say it is. It is not. Granted, when you are young you are not ready for commitment, you change a lot as you grow. But you are over the edge on that. You do not change pages. You change in midsentences. I do not want you to think I am frustrated with you, but you do not seen to be gettting what I am saying, so I am saying it as bluntly as I can. You Need to quit working on a girl and start working on you if you honestly honestly honestly want to have some sort of peace of mind and a decent relationship. Whew!!


Do you think it a little dishonest dating someone when your still pining over your ex? Can you justify leading someone down a dead end? Could you be over thinking this whole thing as a way to hold on to something that is OVER? Seeing her cry makes you happy? You have made yourself sound so very noble, that I don't believe you.

I tend to believe he does not overthink things, I think he does not hold a thought long enough to think it through. He makes a decision midsentence.

Perhaps its both, I seem to make more quick decisions when I'm around her or in contact with her, but I think more when I'm not. I have witnessed myself become happy simply because of the way I handled a situation, so I know it is possible for me to be happy with myself. When I get started into something I find it difficult to keep my composure and think things through. However, I can easily sit down and tell myself the way I need to act beforehand. It is a problem, but I am getting better at times, things I should never have done in the first place are becoming easier to not do. That's not really a good thing, but it's a step in the right direction I feel. I do not claim to be noble at all, I claim to be utterly confused and moody. I have made a lot of bad choices so far, however, although I can assume their ramifications I cannot seem to understand them until I have experienced them. Some people choose to learn the hard way, I don't want to be one of those people... thats why I'm here. If anything I would only want criticism, the more negativity the better, I'm not one to refuse any consideration. I suppose I'm just trying to connect a lot of loose ends and make sense of it all. What all of your posts have had in common. As far as the happiness with another person goes, I suppose I said it the wrong way. I guess I meant that it would be easier to let this situation go if I dated someone else that brought a smile to my face. That way I guess id know they existed (even though I do) and be a little more secure in letting go. Although I do realize that I shouldn't need that... and I don't believe I do... I just want it, and maybe I shiouldnt, I don't know. I cannot help but wonder that if someone searches for problems within themselves hard enough, will they not find them?. regardless of whether they are legitimate or simply the result of some immature paranoia. I am considering counseling, I need to get all of my thoughts organized and in the right perspectives before I drive myself insane with possibilities, perhaps I like to overcomplicate things... maybe I'm obsessed with the grey area and what it holds... when it may not even exist. Thanks for your patient, honest, and caring attitudes. I know it hasn't been easy, but your words were not discarded or overlooked, every one of them was considered and taken to heart.

Grayfox,
Your so young man and you seem to be stressing yourself out too much and over analysinf everything.
How about just being young and enjoying yourself.

This will be your best chance of finding someone your happy with.

It is good for someone your age to ave your intelligence and insight but this can also be your downfall. I was similar but you need to learn to relax a little and act your age.

Your only 18 aren't you?? Man, just be an 18 year old for a while.

Leave the chicks, hang with your mates and enjoy what is possible one of the best ages you'll ever be.

I loved being 18. Here in oz that is when we can start going out to clubs etc. it was great fun...

So go and enjoy your youth before you get out in the real big mans world and really have lots to worry about.

Stress less buddy! Be fun and the chicks will follow!

Sometimes in life you just have to let go. There are not always reasons and answers for everything. Enjoy life and quit analalizing everything. I do think a counselor would help. You will be fine, but one can overthink.

Thinking needs to be balanced with doing. Any doing. Resolve to remain honest in a dishonest culture; people your age aren't the only ones being dishonest these days. Embrace who you are and be you and if on any day you lose track of who that is, find a good (honest) friend and ask them to remind you again-- that's what good friends are for among other things.

Just curious, What do you do to enjoy yourself? Do you hang with the fella's or do sports? Do you have any really GOOD friends?

I lived in Japan on an Airbase for 7 years, at 13 I moved to where I am now in VA. It was a hard adjustment and I countered it with online video games to keep me busy. I had a very active life in japan. However, when I got here I found it hard, I tried to stay in soccer but I eventually gave that up. Making friends was slightly difficult, I have pretty much the same friend grou as I did then. However, I wouldn't say they're the type of friends I would like to have. Only one of them is nearly as thoughtful as I am, however he drinks with the rest of them and smokes and other things. I am not that kind of person, and as a result I put my ex-girlfriend ahead of them all. I still see them from time to time though, we hang out overnight or something. I don't like school sports ever since my past experiences here. However, to enjoy myself I do fencing, ninjutsu, I like video games still, but I don't depend on them in the way I did at one point in my life. I like watching 24 or listening to music when I'm upset. I don't do as many things as id like to, but I am also heavily involved in academics, this is my last year in high school and I have taken some of the most challenging courses offered due to being college bound. I would like a little more of a social group of friends that I can depend on and be honest with, but my hopes aren't up... at least hear anyway. I am depending on college to provide me with a group of friends, its like your life resets when you start college anyway.

We moved often as I grew up, there are certain ages that it is hard to change schools, I believe 13 is one of those ages. Moving to a different country would make it more difficult. I understand more now. Once you go to college, you will find a variety of people. You will fit into a crown that is more academic and not into alcohol etc. Some feel this is a big part of growing up, I do not believe that is so. I had friends that had their minds set at what they wanted to do and did not want to waste time on drugs and alcohol. One has become a politician, another a doctor and so on. Life will change for you and you will have a good one.

Just like yourself and smile and others will like you too.
You seem like a good guy and I'm sure you won't have a problem making friends. Juyst be yourself and have fun.
And it s good to focus your energies academically. Continue to do so and the rewards will come in other apsects of your life!