I've been married for 10yrs now, I've always known in not in love with my husband but he is a good person, we have built a good life together with our 3 kids, but I still have a thing for my ex whom I had a decade's relationship with before meeting my husband, I think about him all d time & we keep in touch mainly on phone. I've never had the chemistry/passion I had with him with my husband.

What do I do? Am I just being stupid & unreasonable? Is there anyway to turn it off & give my all 2 my family?

Stop it. You are being selfish.

You don't deserve a good husband if your going to treat him like this.

What would your kids think if they ever found out?

If you continue down this road I guarantee you will regret it.

You have a thing for this guy because you are still in the "romance" mode with him. You have not had the trials, tribulations and as you say a "good life" with this other man. Talking on the phone is not enough to know what it feels like to live day in/day out. You probably take out your romantic fantasies with your ex while you are the mother and wife at home.

Turn it around. Become romantic with your husband. He probably knows deep down that you are not altogether his. Make yourself altogether his and save yourself a pile of hurt. I speak from a lot of experience, so believe me when I say time will heal wounds, but you need to give yourself completely to yourself, then your hubby and kids but not at all to this other guy... he is a concept in your mind who has never had to have that relationship crystallized into one that you have with your husband. A mature and loyal love can be just as heady... go forth and become one of those few couples who still hold hands when their hair is all gray and their faces all wrinkled... that is being in love. All the best.

If you was never in love with your husband than why did you married him? Was it because you knew you would've a good life with him so that was your only reason to marry him and be stuck in a loveless marriage? This is unfair to your husband.

Meanwhile your in contact with your ex, who you never got over, and now not only do you have a marriage with children. Where are your priorities because at the moment their screwed up.

Are you acting stupid, yes. You're an adult and should know right from wrong but this is what happens when you started wrong in the first by entering a relationship with someone while your not over your past and getting married to someone that you didn't love but only married him because he is a good man. Give me a break.

Go clear your head and get a grip on things and take the time to sort out what your going do about your marriage because I feel sorry for him.

I think you know how it is being in love.. if your husband treat you well and give you your needs and wants means that he loves you.you have to think how he'll react after knowing this bitter fact.the one he loves.the one he care for,is still having an affair with his ex! it's not the right thing to do.

If you really want to have a good life,try to end your relation with your ex and move on with your husband.by caring for him,you'll be more closer.give him a place in your heart because your 'poor' husband do not deserve to be treated this way.you can't continue like this,I hope that it will not be the innocent one to pay for your silly mistake. You'll definitely regret if you continue like this.

Its just an advice,now it depends on you.you are enough mature to differentiate between right and wrong deeds!

Thanks every one for the straight talk, believe me I know all these & I've tried several times to just put him out of my mind & face my husband squarely, but it has not been easy, I keep going back because I'm happier & even relate better with my hubby when I'm in contact with my ex.

I know I sound selfish & unreasonable but I can't seem to be able to help myself. It's worse because my husband (not taking anything away from him) is not a romantic or passionate person, we are more of friendly companions to each other than anything else.

While I know all these are not excuses enough for what is happening, I still can't seem to be in control of my emotions.

As for figuring out what I'm going to do with my marriage, 1 thing is certain, I'm never going to leave my husband, mainly because of our kids.

Are you saying there has been no sex only talking, with the ex?

Yes, I think so Tal.

But wait but are you going do about having love for your husband?

You will never leave your husband,but what if your husband know about the fact and leave you even if you don't want to.you will be the loser!you will lose everything even your 'close' friend.

Since you have accepted to married,you have to finish your relation with your ex.you have to be more responsible.

You have to do sacrifice now,caring more about your family.how will your children react when they will know that their mother do not love their father and therefore spends her time with someone else.won't they be affected? do you care about your children? if you do,for their sake,leave your ex.am sure it will be difficult but you will be able to do it and enjoy a happy life after.refer to God whenever you feel alone,try to forget about your ex.you have to create your future,and therefore be more responsible.live with your present.

What you are doing is absolutely wrong..
Hope that you will take the advice into consideration.
Take care

No, there has been no sex.

Then he is only a friend, and there is nothing to hide from your husband, is there? Is there something else you need to reveal? Having trouble at home maybe?

Sounds like you are romanticizing what you HAD with the other guy but you need to concentrate and work more on what you HAVE with your husband,
You have been through a lot with him and raising your kids. Love isn't always about the chemistry and feelings some people have to build on what they do have. Love is a commitment above all and you have that with your husband.
How would you feel if you left your husband only to find that things weren't all that great with this guy? You really don't know how things would be with him after all these years. You need to wean away from this guy and work on your relationship with your hubby. It is not cheating but you need to put the efforts into what you DO have.

I am disappointed in myself for all my thoughts, confusion & all that is happening concerning this issue because I'm usually a strong & trustworthy person who always is in control of her life & emotions.
Many people will be disappointed & hurt about this if it ever gets out(hope it never comes to that), it will seem so unbelievable because of the type of person they know me to be.
I especially will hate myself if my husband & kids know anything about this, because I don't ever want them to get hurt, I do like my husband a lot & love him only in a different way.
I'v really tried to turn my emotions around & focus it more on my husband, but it isn't easy.
There is nothing to hide really but my feelings of guilt & the fact that my husband will never understand my resuming communications with someone I had that much much history with.
Problems at home? not really, except for liltle or non existence of affections. my husband isn't really good at displaying affections or emotions.
I've never been able to talk about this with anyone, so this forum is really helpful & a reality check thanks to some of the very blunt comments. I do want to stop this & I'm hoping for very practical advice, anyone?

Why not try to plan something to stir emotions up? Like a romantic dinner and massaging? Make him feel wanted I'm sure in turn he will return the favor. It's a great feeling when a person is being desired.

I have done all that & beyond, believe me, I have tried several methods, sometimes he is into it at the moment, but it's also frustrating to be the only one trying to spice things up & being the romantic one, sometimes it feels good not to be the one initiating all the romance & it will be nice to feel desirable, but he is comfortable with the way things are.

Maybe you need to search for the answer of why you got involved with him in the first place. Find that spark. Sit down with him over some glasses of wine and tell each other, "Look where we are, we are married and have children. How did that start?" Get and give answers as to what attracted you to each other in the first place. It might bring out the emotions he had for you when you first met.

Maybe I'm afraid there will be no sparks to find & it will be so sad & final if we can't get the passion we or I need.

Its either that, or be stuck with someone who is an emotional stone and deal with it. But if you do stick with it, your just going to miserable and develop feelings of neglect down the road anyway.

Until you stop communicating with your ex, anything u do to try and make it work with your husband will fail. If you don't want to be with your husband, come clean. If you want to try, then stop communication with your ex. It's not easy, but it is pretty simple. Stay with somebody who your not attracted to or go with somebody that you are attracted to. Both of them carry a huge sacrifice, but you can't have both.

My topmost priority is keeping my kids happy & with a father who loves them & I'm willing to do anything to keep us together as a happy family, so I guess the right thing to do is to stop communicating with my ex.

But how do I do this? How will I deal with the sadness that will come with it because talking to him makes me really happy. What will I do to fill the void? Don't say I should fill it with my kids, because though they make me happy & make my life worthwhile, this is a different kind of void that even my love for them cannot fill.

This isn't going to be easy.

Your ex is a distraction, and I am willing to bet you're a stay at home mom who has nothing else but her family.

You need friends, and outside, healthy activities that make you happy, and have something to share with your family. Right now your ex does that, but there are better ways to feel good about yourself, that's what hobbies are about. You won't feel guilty about it either.

Don't bet too much though, I'm actually a professional in my chosen field & also presently working on another postgraduate degree in addition to taking care of my kids,

Tired most times, but that doesn't stop the flow of my thoughts, maybe I'm bored but it's not for lack of better things to do, that's just the way things are,

Romantically, there is nothing there for me & I've always used work & busy schedules to fill that gap, but I'm almost bursting now & @ crossroads, & definitely need someone to discuss these with aside from close friends & family.

Hobbies? I do go to the gym & read.

What do you think your husband would say if he were to find out?

Personally I think its healthy to have a wide range of emotional, and intellectual stimulation, as long as the boundaries of good behavior are not crossed, and you have no reason to hide your actions, or be dishonest about them.

We can't help who we fall in love with. But if you aren't in love with your husband then yd you marry him? But don't have an affair that would devastate your kids and when they get older imagine what they will think of you but again its not your fault your still in love with your ex its human nature... we don't pick who we fall for.

You said that you had no sex but would you have accepted if your husband was with his ex but without sex like you do?its not a matter of sex because you have done it or not,you are still with him.it's true,until you don't stop communicating with each other,every move that you try will fail.you can do it,but now it depends on what you want to do,I mean your intention.

Bye

Dear Maybll,

You are really in a quandary. I empathize with you. You have received several helpful replies, I’m sure but understand like this happens to good people too. You call yourself selfish and other such negative comments. You have come here for help and that in itself is a positive step forwards. You need to stop thinking you are selfish and even worry about what everyone thinks first.

It is easy to give advice; there is always a logical solution to this, but this is a matter of the heart and sometimes logical solutions don’t work as well…you need a combination of both..

There are some confusing things about your situation from how I read it.

What does your ex want?

If you have not had sex with him, then whom is he satisfying his physical desires with? Are you capable of dealing with that part, knowing there is some one else he is possibly with?

You have said you want to be with your husband and children and don’t want to hurt them? Are you sure about that? What about yourself? Will you be happy living the rest of your life this way getting what you can from one relationship from two people? I think it will torment you and in time you will feel depressed with the turmoil. That will affect your health and in turn will affect the effort you can put into your children etc.

If you don’t want to feel resentful about anything including potentially feeling you gave up your own happiness for your family and children, you need to start feeling complete with your husband, well in the way you can both relate. And that will take a very long time, not 5-10 times. And I agree it is nice to have your husband initiate some of the romantic sessions too, after all it is his marriage too. So my advice (you can choose to ignore it) is:

Tell him clearly (but in a calm way and perhaps over wine!) that you both need to talk about something serious. Tell him you need to feel wanted, tell him you need that to make your marriage affair proof, and finally tell him you need him to teach you how to love him like a husband more. If he does not want anything to threaten his marriage he will listen to you, he will get his wake up call and I believe he will try. Once you see him trying then note the positive things and tell him.

Just being there in body is not good enough to keep your children and husband happy. Go on a vacation together and while you are doing this stay away from your ex, so you can clear all doubt and stop comparing the two men in your life. There are different ways men show their love and romantic side. Protect yourself from potentially getting depressed in the future.

All the best…it is tough but you can make it if you put your heart in the right place.

And yes this is adultery... emotional affairs are more devastating than physical affairs. But what does it matter if it is or not, you need to be more concerned about feeling better and fixing something's for yourself, and the rest should fall in place... in time.

I to have been married to my wife for 10 years now! I am a Baptist minister and I don't know if you believe in the bible, but you can find a lot of the answers you seek there. My wife and I are going through a nasty divorce because of her infidelity. I have caught her in a sexual relationship with a guy who has been like a brother to me for 25 years. Adultery is the only forgivable divorce in the bible. By you saying that you are still in love with your ex, you are not being fair to your husband. I guess the main question for you would be why did you marry him? Marriage is a very sacred institution and when you say I do, you are supposed to put your husband or your wife first. My wife's affair started with simple texting, and then went to sexting. From there they went to meeting to have sex on several occasions. I was devastated by all of this. You need to think about what you are going to do if you act on this, not only to your husband, but the effect it will have on your children as well. Everybody has to deal with temptation in their lives, but it's up to you on how you handle it.

Thanks everyone, messed up, I appreciate your taking time to address everything & knightrider, I sympatize with u, heartbreak can be devastating.
I've stoppped calling and refuse to take his call for about 2wks now, I know it's nothing but I'm trying and I try to stop my mind from drifting to him by calling my husband(he travelled) each time thoughts of him come to mind and I try to compliment my husband & tell him how much I miss him & stay positive with him.
To answer some questions, I like my husband a great deal and I made d mistake of thinking it would develop into love when we got married, I also got that advice from some close family & friends some were married at the time, they all insisted the most important thing was that he is a good person who loves me.
My relationship of 10yrs with my ex was truncated when he travelled so far away & I thougt there was no way we could ever be tog. Again(there was no internet to make it easier or the world smaller @ the time) & I was advised that waiting for him would have been fruitless, he promised we would be tog. & that he was coming back & he did come back, only a little too late & he was heart broken, but all that is water under the bridge, I'm trying to move on.
He was single for a long time & insisted he couldn't be with anyone else when his heart is with someone else, I told him then that nothing could happen with us & we cannot take up where we left off, and I cut off all contact with him, he got married about 4yrs ago but divorced 6months after & he sought me out and said he at least wanted to be friends with me, he said he couldn't accept that I'll be out of his life for ever, I told him he had to at least be in a serious relationship or settle down so at least we both know we are committed to other people and won't be tempted to stray. He got married about a yr ago and here we are...

I think you have made the right decision in your case. I wish you the very best in life, and may God bless you.