Different View
Feb 19, 2009, 04:07 PM
My wife and I have been together for 21 years (married 17). We met when we were 22 years old and we both still had our virtue. We were each others first true love and we lost our virginity to each other. We have four beautiful children.
I encouraged my wife to go back and finish her degree in school (she is 42). I was recently devastated to learn that she has been having an affair with a married man in her class for the past two years. I found saved emails and chats from both of them on her computer - she saves them like loving memories. I also found out how this younger man taught her and encouraged her how to chat online and have cyber-sex on adult chat rooms. Her chat room activity included sending men nude photos of herself and she also enjoyed watching men masturbate live on webcams while she talked sex chat with them. I confronted her about all of this, and she said she was unhappy in the marriage after over 20 years, but would agree to go to counseling.
I am trying hard to want to stay married, especially since we have 4 kids. We have been going to marriage counseling the past three months. The first two months, she continued to do online sex-chat, but has finally stopped that for the past two weeks. She is still in class with the married man she had an affair with as they both will graduate next month. She said they are just friends now and she begged me not to tell his wife - as he has two children of his own - one is a newborn baby.
This deception and betrayal is so hard for me. The one unique and common thing we shared for over 20 years is gone now. I don't know if I can ever trust and respect her the same way anymore. I have had several close friends who separated and returned to salvage their marriage and it worked. They tell me they think she has hit her mid-life crisis, and the fact that we both met when we were young and innocent virgins, she got to a point in her life where she wanted to explore her sexuality. There were many times during our marriage that she would withhold sex from me, but I stayed strong to honor and respect my marriage. I never cheated on her because I believe in karma - if I did that to her, she would do it back to me. I never wanted to put her through the pain I am now experiencing. At our last marriage counseling session, my wife said that she realized what she did was wrong and really appreciates me more. She is just afraid that as she starts to give me 100% of her heart back, that I am going to vindictively walk out the door and divorce her. She said her biggest fear is now me rejecting her.
However, my friends who went back to their wives and now have a strong marriage are encouraging me to separate from her for some time. They tell me that the only way they were able to return to their wives to make their marriage work was to go out and explore their own sexuality themselves. They said they went out and experienced having sex with other women to get this out of their system and come back to what they felt now offered a sense of balance with their wife. It was not to settle a score, but to get the curiosity out of their system that they feared would torment them the rest of their married life. Now with that curiosity settled, they were able to focus on their marriage more.
I know this is not something you ever would hear in marriage counseling. I am also 42 years old and have only had sex with my wife. I have never known any other woman intimately. I have had many women offer a quick fun night together, but I always stayed strong. Do you think this could actually help me get through this? My wife has actually told me that if I decided to do this, she would understand and would faithfully wait for me to come back to her. I am so confused. :confused:
I encouraged my wife to go back and finish her degree in school (she is 42). I was recently devastated to learn that she has been having an affair with a married man in her class for the past two years. I found saved emails and chats from both of them on her computer - she saves them like loving memories. I also found out how this younger man taught her and encouraged her how to chat online and have cyber-sex on adult chat rooms. Her chat room activity included sending men nude photos of herself and she also enjoyed watching men masturbate live on webcams while she talked sex chat with them. I confronted her about all of this, and she said she was unhappy in the marriage after over 20 years, but would agree to go to counseling.
I am trying hard to want to stay married, especially since we have 4 kids. We have been going to marriage counseling the past three months. The first two months, she continued to do online sex-chat, but has finally stopped that for the past two weeks. She is still in class with the married man she had an affair with as they both will graduate next month. She said they are just friends now and she begged me not to tell his wife - as he has two children of his own - one is a newborn baby.
This deception and betrayal is so hard for me. The one unique and common thing we shared for over 20 years is gone now. I don't know if I can ever trust and respect her the same way anymore. I have had several close friends who separated and returned to salvage their marriage and it worked. They tell me they think she has hit her mid-life crisis, and the fact that we both met when we were young and innocent virgins, she got to a point in her life where she wanted to explore her sexuality. There were many times during our marriage that she would withhold sex from me, but I stayed strong to honor and respect my marriage. I never cheated on her because I believe in karma - if I did that to her, she would do it back to me. I never wanted to put her through the pain I am now experiencing. At our last marriage counseling session, my wife said that she realized what she did was wrong and really appreciates me more. She is just afraid that as she starts to give me 100% of her heart back, that I am going to vindictively walk out the door and divorce her. She said her biggest fear is now me rejecting her.
However, my friends who went back to their wives and now have a strong marriage are encouraging me to separate from her for some time. They tell me that the only way they were able to return to their wives to make their marriage work was to go out and explore their own sexuality themselves. They said they went out and experienced having sex with other women to get this out of their system and come back to what they felt now offered a sense of balance with their wife. It was not to settle a score, but to get the curiosity out of their system that they feared would torment them the rest of their married life. Now with that curiosity settled, they were able to focus on their marriage more.
I know this is not something you ever would hear in marriage counseling. I am also 42 years old and have only had sex with my wife. I have never known any other woman intimately. I have had many women offer a quick fun night together, but I always stayed strong. Do you think this could actually help me get through this? My wife has actually told me that if I decided to do this, she would understand and would faithfully wait for me to come back to her. I am so confused. :confused: