Long story short, I really feel as if there is no hope for me to have happiness in my life. I am in a miserable marriage, that is not working out for me. Have been disrespected countless times by my husband, and those around me. I feel worthless, disposable, and as if I have nothing positive to hold on to. I cannot find a job, am barely getting by school, and have no energy to even properly groom myself as I don't even want to wake up most days. It's a negative feeling that I cannot shake, that is holding me back from being productive in my life. I feel at this point, I have accomplished next to nothing and have very little reassurance in the fact that I can be successful.

My husband has clearly shown me, through his actions, that I mean next to nothing to him. He has shown me that he does not value me, our marriage, or what I ask of him. I want to leave, but am paralyzed by the fear of what is to come next. I'm a part of a culture where divorce is a mighty no-no, and I don't feel I have thick enough skin to deal with the drama that will come afterward. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have left out so many details in this post, it may not even make sense. I don't have the energy to type any details or even get into it. I just really do not know what to to. I feel as if my life has fallen hard and I have no clue how to pick it up. I'm feeling very weak and powerless right now. I seriously question why I am even here. I feel guilty for thinking so, but a big part of me wants to end it now. I want out. I don't feel I'm strong enough to go on with this life. There was a part of my life when I had everything together and prospects for a happy future. Somewhere down the road, I started getting horrible feelings of negativity. I attempted suicide for the first time a few years ago and was hospitalized. I was released and went through therapy and resumed a normal life. I was driven, motivated, and aggressive. Over the past few years, I feel myself esteem has drained and I am extremely insecure and do not value myself. My husband has contributed to me feeling this way for the past two years, as his actions proved many times he could care less about me. At this point, I seriously feel like complete garbage. As if I am worthless. I tried praying, as my Mom said. I am in therapy. I am trying my hardest to make it to school (I am still obtaining my undergrad degree) and try to focus, but at the end of the day, I'm going on 3hrs sleep (max) because I am so stressed out. I physically do not look good and feel sluggish and tired. I have alienated myself from my friends, as I feel I will never measure up to their success. I just don't understand how I've gotten to this point again, but the last time I felt THIS terrible inside, I ended up in the hospital on suicide watch. I never want to even think of doing something like that to my family, as I realize how selfish an act it is. But I will not lie, the thought has been creeping in my mind lately. The idea of not having to deal with any of this, is making it appeal as it originally did. I am lost, I am a mess. I have no idea how I am supposed to go on.

Can you take a break from school as soon as the term ends? Work towards a goal. Can you move in with your parents for a while? Will your mom baby you a bit until you start feeling better? Being disrespected by your husband is a heavy burden to bear, can you take a break from him?

Believe it or not, this will pass. It will, just doesn't feel that way right now. Comparing your unique, unrepeatable self to others is a waste of time. Quit it.

Well - OK, you are unhappy in your marriage and have struggled with painful feelings that made you suicidal. You have a lot going on.

I am not sure that all of your feelings are related to how you feel about yourself - because you are thinking of leaving your husband and that is no easy place to be. Some of what you wrote could be related to your fear of leaving and the anxiety related to that - which believe it or not, does not make you less worthy of a person - it just means you are going through a very difficult time right now. To be in this situation of leaving your husband, and then to feel that you want to hurt yourself to stop the pain - is just a double whammy. No wonder you can't sleep.

Suicide is not what you want. What you want is to be at peace, to know how to cope, how to comfort yourself. The focus of your therapy should be addressing some of what you wrote here - these deep feelings of worthlessness are connected to experiences that you have had - and wrong ideas that you have accepted as truths. Because you are hurting does not mean that you need to hurt yourself - it is the situation, the life issues involved that need to be resolved.

Because you sound so overwhelmed, I wonder if you have consulted with your Therapist about a psychiatric consultation. You may need some extra support here for the time being. I am just concerned that you are already in therapy and that you are still struggling. You may want to ask about that.

Write again and say how you are doing.

Thank you for the responses. It's been a few weeks since, and reading this makes me sad to know I felt this way, but relieved to know the operative term here is: FELT.

Suicide is a very selfish act, something that I will never put my family through. The thoughts of low self worth are still there, and the empty feeling tends to creep up when least expected. However, I tell myself every day that I am here, breathing, walking, talking, and healthy (at least on the surface). Therefore there must be a purpose for me. I continue going to school, and focusing my attention on myself. The husband is still there, and to be honest, I have no clue why I am still holding on to this ridiculous illusion that he is someone who "fits" me. I am back at my parents' house, but not on my own, but WITH him because he has lost his job due to his own stupidity. The bigger part of me wants him to leave, so I can move forward with my life. And to be honest, there really is not any part that wants this to work any longer. It's a matter of me taking control and making the next move, that scares the pants off me. I am afraid of the reactions of others, the stigma that I will face, and the fear of never settling. It's not being alone that I am afraid of, but eventually when I want to settle again, that I will possibly regret this decision. I know it's a matter of time, for me to finish up my degree and make positive strides in my career. It's a matter of time before I realize that I am an extremely beautiful, successful, intelligent, and worthy woman. And God brace him when that day comes, because a person of his caliber will not stand a chance. At this point, I am not mentally healthy. Definitely NOT suicidal (any longer), but a far cry from where I plan on being. I want to give myself time to grow, to progress, and realize my worth. I just wonder what the hell is wrong with me, that I still choose to have him stick around for the process when he's proven to not be worth the effort? I mean, this is the person who's drained any sense of self-worth I've had.. I feel like an idiot.

The funny thing is that I read through many posts where the girl says something along the lines of "But I love him soo much.." And I honestly cannot say I feel that. I CLEARLY know that this is leading damn near nowhere. I KNOW I can be happier alone. I know I deserve more out of a partner. I get all of that, yet I do not have the "balls" to really walk away. THAT is the problem, which leads me feeling completely powerless. I wish I could explain the thoughts in my mind, as all of this seems so black/white. My problem is that I am stuck in a hardcore shade of gray. I feel as if myself esteem will always take a hit, as long as I stay in this simply because in my own mind I'll always feel that I am not strong enough to walk away. I just don't know.