Hi All

I was just wondering if I could ask for a bit of advice. I just don't know where to start. I was seeing this guy from work after me and my hubby split up and it was going really well and he then just never texted me again, he later said he didt know what he wanted etc etc. I decided to give it another go with my husband as I do love him. The trouble is this other guy kept texting me once I got back with my husband, I ignored him for approx 9 months but then decided to reply to one of his texts.

We met up and he kissed me and said that he had made a huge mistake and wanted me back, I said that I was back with my husband etc etc, we met up every now and then and kissed but nothing more as believe it or not I do love my husband. To cut a long story short I have found out that this guy is now telling everyone that he does not love me anymore, I don't know why I'm bothered as I've a husband but it hurts like hell.

When we split up the 1st time he was saying nasty things behind my back again.

What do I do, I really like this guy but I'm married and he is now saing to others that he don't love me in that way anymore but was telling me only a few weeks ago that he loves me and wants to get a house etc

I'm so confused people, what do I do

I would say you need to stop depending on men for your comfort and sense of self.

Do you need a man to make you feel complete?

It sounds as if you will love and be with whoever depending on your whim.

What you do is try to spend some time without any man in your life and do some soul searching and figure out why you need this affirmation from others.

You sound very confused and needy.In your confusion you are hurting another human being(husband) who you seem to have little regard for.

The other player in this is not interested in you and why would you want to be with someone who talked bad about you anyway?

I assume since you are married you are an adult but this is very childlike behavior.I want what I want and I will hurt anyone to get it is not adult.It is wrong on all levels.

Perhaps you need to seek counseling to better understand your issues of need and fear of abandonment.

Are you married or not? Do you want to be married, or not? You have stated that you love your husband, yet you meet this other man on the side. I recognize that people live within "open" relationships, so this begs the question, "Does your husband know about the other man?"
In reality, you need to decide whether YOU love YOU or not. You seem to be setting yourself up for failure, either in your marriage or in a relationship with a man who is unavailable and just "playing" you.
Please, recognize that there are people out there who are always into "the chase". When they, finally, catch you, they no longer want "the catch"... they'll throw it back. If you are still interested, they get to chase again. If not, they find someone else to chase. They live a live of non-commital, unavailability. These people, also, know the triggers of their "victims." If he tells you he doesn't love you anymore and you come running to "make him love" you, then he has you right where he wants you.
Decide... do you want your marriage? Then focus on HIS love of you. Find YOUR love for yourself and FOR your husband. Quit looking for the green on the other side of the fence unless you are ready to leave the pasture you are, currently, in.

Wow that was a very harsh reply. I do love my husband very much, I ignored this guy for so long because of this. I know that I'm an idiot for liking this guy, especially when he treats me badly and says horrible things about me to people behind my back. What I don't understand is why I still like him.

I wouldn't take him back now even if he did crawl back as I want to make it hurt with my husband, I just want to know why it stills hurts so much

Ive been trying to make it work with my hubby for months now and I think were getting back to where we were when the other guy texts. He is saying to others that he loves me as a friend and nowt more but he has said this before and came crawling back.

He says to others that he wishes me well, but I've heard from a reliable source that he has said that he doesn't care if I'm miserable without him and that his head is like mush at the mo

Ive been trying to make it work with my hubby for months now and i think were getting back to where we were when the other guy texts. He is saying to others that he loves me as a friend and nowt more but he has said this before and came crawling back.

He says to others that he wishes me well, but ive heard from a reliable source that he has said that he doesnt care if im miserable without him and that his head is like mush at the mo

If you are truly trying to make it work with your husband,than this guy and his opinion of you or his feelings about you should be of no consequence.

Concentrate your efforts where they will do the most good... repairing your damaged marriage.

If you are truly trying to make it work with your husband,than this guy and his opinion of you or his feelings about you should be of no consequence.

Concentrate your efforts where they will do the most good...repairing your damaged marriage.

Thanks artlady, you are so right, that's what people (most close friends) have been telling me and I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do. What gets me is why I'm so hurt that this guy doesn't even care that I'm hurting and he has said that to others??

I knew from the start that this guy couldn't be trusted but like an idiot I thought it would be different this time, even his mates told me that he lies lies all the time.

So WHY AM I HURTING even though I know he isn't worth it?? My hubby is the kindest most thoughtful person in the world so why do I feel this way over a messed up liar??

i knew from the start that this guy couldnt be trusted but like an idiot i thought it would be different this time, even his mates told me that he lies lies all the time.

So WHY AM I HURTING even though i know he aint worth it???? my hubby is the kindest most thoughtful person in the world so why do i feel this way over a messed up liar?????

Because approval is important to people.Some more so than others. Some people take rejection very personally and if you are already having self-esteem issues ,this rejection would compound those feelings.

He used you and you have every right to be hurt. Despite the fact that you were the one to set this all in motion.Maybe your mad at yourself as well.

You are right, I suppose everyone wants to be liked, the thing that gets me is that he was texting me elling we he loves me and would mary me tomorrow if I would just 4 weeks ago??

Now he is saying to others that he don't love me that way and don't care if I'm hurting, I didn't think people could be so cruel

Change your cell phone number and ignore anything from this jerk. Then get some professional counseling with your husband. You might want to also get some help for your insecurity issues on your own.

I don't know why I care that he doest love me anymore??

Like many others on here, he would text me and we would be have a nice conversation and then all of a sudden wouldn't hear from him for days,

You are right, i suppose everyone wants to be liked, the thing that gets me is that he was texting me elling we he loves me and would mary me tommorrow if i would just 4 weeks ago????

Now he is saying to others that he dont love me that way and dont care if im hurting, i didnt think people could be so cruel

People can be very cruel,especially in the game of love.

You have learned a hard lesson,learn from it and know that you have grown and understood something.

Imagine how your husband feels,knowing that he has given you his all and you rejected him.

I know I hurt my hubby and believe me that's something that klls me everyday artlady, I'm at a loss to why I care that this loser says he don't love me

Like I've said before, when we worked together his mates said he lies and to be careful I thought I knew best!!

Im going to put 110% into my marriage and try my best to forget this guy, I try and keep busy but my mind keeps wandering back to how he could be so cruel

One of the reasons you are hurting is that you cannot accept that it is over with the intellectually bankrupt boyfriend that you keep haning onto by a thread.

That you react to his words, and to the gossip, and want to know why he hurt you, and the fact that you want him to KNOW he hurt you, all adds up to you don't know what you want.

Sorry to be blunt, but seriously, you have a husband who took you back, believing you were serious about rebuilding your marriage. He is working against the flow here, because there is still another man in the picture, and that is not fair to him.

What kind of man would text a married woman anyway, meet secretly, and 'only kiss' a woman, knowing that he was the cause of her marriage breakup, and not caring or having ANY HONOURABLE intent, except to satisfy himself.

Why do you play this game of man ping-pong? Surely you realize that the temptation to keep up a relationship with the b/f, will NOT repair your marriage.

Get over him already. Write out a farewell letter to him, cry the relationship out of your system, get a tin can, and burn the damn thing.

Either that, or tell your husband the truth, and that is, you are not serious about having him, and only him in your life.

You can not have this both ways.

I don't want this other man, I want my husband, the problem that I'm having is WHY DO I CARE WHY HE Don't LOV ME, I know I shouldn't give a toss

If he texts me again then I won't reply, I love my husband very much and would never ever hurt him again, believe me I've done a wrong thing and I'm living with the guilt everyday, somedays I wonder how I am going to get through the day (I even think about taking my life)

i dont want this other man, i want my husband, the problem that im having is WHY DO I CARE WHY HE DONT LOV ME, i know i shouldnt give a toss

If he texts me agin then i wont reply, i love my husband very much and would never ever hurt him again, believe me ive done a wrong thing and im living with the guilt everyday, somedays i wonder how i am going to get through the day (i even think about taking my life)

You care that he doesn't love you because you don't love yourself right now.

Have you been to counseling?

No I'm not that kind of person hun, this is something I need to work out on my own. Some days I just want to kill myself to stop the pain hun

I think that you do love your husband, I really do. I do not doubt that, and I do not doubt that he also loves you.

But you must find a way to let go of the other man, and feel settled with the fact that you will never have all the answers as to why things happened the way they did.

It really is a good idea to let go, emotionally. Give yourself some closure to that entire part of your life, and free up your emotions from being in a knot. It is unhealthy as you are discovering to obsess over all the 'what if's'.

I urge you to seek counselling because this has reached a point where you are suicidal, and I suspect that other factors are contributing to this. Just a gut feeling, but it may be a good idea to talk this all out with a professional, on your own. There are definite stages a person goes through to release themselves from any relationship, and when you get stuck, it is not a fault, but rather a sign that you need help to finish emotionally.

That this has come to affect the quality of your life on a day to day basis, is also a very clear sign that you may need help to learn to overcome this.

Please make a phone call to your local mental health clinic, or go and see your GP for a referral. It could make all the difference in your life.

Good luck to you, I hope this is resolved sooner rather than later.

Jake2008, thanks for your words, you are very kind. I love my husband more than anything and that's why I can't understand why I care for this jerks feelings over me. I try and forget but its worse at night when I'm bed lying there wondering why. Im an educated person with a masters degree and so people think I've got it all.
I know that this other guy is a bit mentally unstable putting it nicely and hope he gets the help he needs.

I have a nice home, hubby, sports car etc etc so why do I care what a guy who lives with his mum thinks of me

Thanks for taking the time out to reply, it really is helping me xx

no im not that kind of person hun, this is something i need to work out on my own. Some days i just want to kill myself to stop the pain hun

I am not sure what type of person you associate with counseling, but it is a very healthy process to talk your problems out with someone outside of the situation. It doesn't make you a weak or sick person.

Suicidal thoughts are a great concern. You have not let go of your past relationship as it still effects you emotionally today. Until you learn to forgive and love yourself again he has the power to effect you. There is a lot of guilt that can last long after the aftermath of the affair is over. It is difficult to be forgiven and just as difficult to forgive oneself.

I am not sure what type of person you associate with counseling, but it is a very healthy process to talk your problems out with someone outside of the situation. It doesn't make you a weak or sick person.

Suicidal thoughts are a great concern. You have not let go of your past relationship as it still effects you emotionally today. Until you learn to forgive and love yourself again he has the power to effect you. There is alot of guilt that can last long after the aftermath of the affair is over. It is difficult to be forgiven and just as difficult to forgive oneself.

Thanks for the reply, I don't want to label anyone that goes to counselling hun, some people find it helpful and that's good, I can't see how talking to a stranger will help.
I eat myself up with guilt every minute of everyday for how I have hurt my hubby, we are back together but I still feel so guilty even though he has forgiven me and says its in the past, him being so good about it makes me feel worse though, it's a bitter cycle xx

thanks for the reply, i dont want to label anyone that goes to counselling hun, some people find it helpful and thats good, i can't see how talking to a stranger will help.I eat myself up with guilt every minute of everyday for how i have hurt my hubby, we are back together but i still feel so guilty even though he has forgiven me and says its inthe past, him being so good about it makes me feel worse though, its a bitter cycle xx

That is exactly what you are doing here... only we don't have a degree in that particular field. You can let guilt eat you up, from the inside out, and I promise you that will eventually be the demise of your relationship.

It would be a monumental mistake to let this die because of shame...

That is exactly what you are doing here...only we don't have a degree in that particular field. You can let guilt eat you up, from the inside out, and I promise you that will eventually be the demise of your relationship.

Had to spread the rep, I was hoping someone would notice the comparison to counseling and AMHD.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone. Its easier on here as you arnt face to face with someone which is the bit I would find hard, sorry if I offended anyone that wasn't my intention xx

You aren't offending. It is our duty as members of this board to offer the BEST advice we can give you. It is YOUR job, as a wife, and devoted wife now, to do whatever YOU can do to make this relationship work. People get paid to listen to problems such as yours. They DO NOT judge, and they DO NOT hold anything against you. They simply get paid to help you. That is what you need... help. You have to be "man" enough to realize that... don't let the fact that you have a Master's degree get in the way... if you let your pride kill this relationship, that would be pretty regretful in the end...

Being smart is one thing, but being smart when it counts the most... well that, is entirely different. We are talking about something that will impact the REST of your life. Swallow your pride, and get the help that could save this...

You aren't offending. It is our duty as members of this board to offer the BEST advice we can give you. It is YOUR job, as a wife, and devoted wife now, to do whatever YOU can do to make this relationship work. People get paid to listen to problems such as yours. They DO NOT judge, and they DO NOT hold anything against you. They simply get paid to help you. That is what you need...help. You have to be "man" enough to realize that...don't let the fact that you have a Master's degree get in the way...if you let your pride kill this relationship, that would be pretty regretful in the end...

Being smart is one thing, but being smart when it counts the most...well that, is entirely different.

Please don't think that I think I'm above counselling because I have a master, the only reason I mentioned the masters bit is that even us that people claim are educated can mess up big time!!
I would love to be able to see someone but I can't do it, I don't want this jerk to ruin my life with my hubby, he isn't worth it

I've just got to try and forget him, if it was only that simple, yes myself asteem is battered at the mo and I'm sure that what want is to know that he don't hate me, I'm so confused

The reason why you care about what your ex lover says is because your taking time to think about it so quit taking time that you can be using towards something else instead of trying to get reasons for what someone you don't care about is saying. Just go on with your life and work on your marriage like you stated.

I am pretty sure you've better things to worry about. So stop worring why your ex is saying such things especially when you don't care. Don't sweat the small things in life because life is too short and when you hear such things block them out or let them roll off you like water.

I just wanted to let you all know that I've ordered a new sim card so my number will be changed soon and I'm moving on and forgetting the past. I can't help what has happened in the past, all I can do I learn and be a better wife in the future. I have learnt my lesson and will never never do anything like that again.
I think that life is too short to look back, so I'm gong to put all my energy into making my relationship with my hubby work
Thanks all for your help and advice xx