I am very much in love with a man whom has changed his life around.
We are engaged to be married.No date has been set.
Believe me when I say that he is a very wonderful person and is very loyal to me.

But I am insecure because he abused badly as a child and has what I believe to be Reactive Attachment Disorder..
Also he sexually abused a step-daughter from the time she was 7 until she was 15.
She got mad at him one day and finally told on him.
He went through 5 years of intense phycological therapy.

When I met him she was out of the picture living in Mexico but he was upfront about what had happened.
I liked him so much at that time that I accepted the new man he was.
It was after I had already fallen in love with him that she ended up back in his home because she had no where to go.
He said that he is trying to make up for being a bad parent and wanted
To make up for his wrongs..
She was a cocaine addict in Mexico and was trying to clean up her life.
There is a lot more but It is a long long story which I am trying to survive...

So I am engaged to a man who is roommates with an Gay ex Brother in law and has
An ex daughter in law whom he had sexually abused living there.
I see the innocence in the relationship as it is now.. but it is still hard on me.
She is lost in her life and he feels so much quilt that he has a hard time disciplining her..
She has no motivation to work.. lays around all day.. Parties all night.She is 23 years old!

She has been there for 2 years... What do I do?
I need a support group and I can't find one!
Help!!

Are you so insecure that you would be in a situation with so many abusers and abused people around you? Remove yourself from this situation.

People like that cannot change, I'm sorry. Next time you think this man changed, look up the story of Meghan Kanka, that guy "reformed" as well. They are sick people and there is no excuse for what they do or have done. It was a young girl! How can you forgive that or look past it? Could you really trust having a kid with him alone?

You are swimming in a pool of toxic dysfunctionality.

I do not believe people that sexually molest children can ever be cured. It is an uncontrollable compulsion. What if you have children and he molests him/her?

There are a lot more worthy guys out in the world. Please look for one.

I am trying to maintain an open mind.I want to believe that people can change and with effective treatment develop the skills to combat their pedophile obsession.

Research just does not support that theory.There is no disputing the facts that pedophilia is an incurable sexual deviation.

Regarding the victim and her subsequent drug abuse,I am confident the two are related.If he wants to help her he should provide quality mental health treatment instead of allowing his guilt to allow her to party her life away.Clearly,she is trying to lose herself.

As others have stated,this is a toxic environment and when you begin to believe it is O.K. you are being lured into a false sense of security.

Many pedophiles will hook up with a heterosexual female and try to maintain a semblance of normalcy in their life.You could very well be the pawn to help him to justify his *rehabilitation*.

Please rethink this.. you must know you could never have a child with this man and the stepdaughters instability is dangerous and so is this entire situation.

You need to think this through.Arm yourself with all the knowledge you can and make an informed decision.

Is this man a registered sex offender?

I am the last one to say 'don't do it', and I've seen miracles in people turning their lives and relationships around.

BUT, a man with this kind of proven history is not debatable. He is who he is, including his past, and the total of who is is now, does not erase what he's done, and what he is likely to become again.

Whiile I think he has likely distanced himself and accepted his past through therapy, that does not change the person. You are considering marriage to a man with a past, and you are aware of his history. His actions have affected his victims, and will for perhaps all of their lifetimes. It was not only his own life that was affected by what he did, you have to think of the mess he created and the destruction he caused along the way.

Please Google recividism for pedophiles. It is generally understood that recividisom rates are high, and include not only pedophilia crimes, but other types of crimes as well.

If you were my daughter, as open minded as I am, this decision you've made would have me moving mountains to make you change your mind. I hope you read, and research, and see objectively and truthfully, that this is not a good choice.

He is what he is, and always will be.

Hi sunray... he abused that girl for a very long time 7-15 years old, that's 8 years of abuse, please don't tell me he didn't know what he was doing... he knew more than most having had it done to himself.

Lets face it... he's more devious than you think, to have conned that girl for 8 years makes me sick to my stomach.

Think of all the threats he must have inflicted on her just to keep her quiet and he has the brass neck to say he can't discipline her... it's down to him she is the way she is.

The best thing she can do for her own sanity is seek out help for herself, there are bound to be charitable organizations that will help.

My dear sunray, I know you say you love this guy, but if you want any decent life of your own... home family etc... get out now.

There is too much history for you to sort out, you will get dragged under with it all.

They will both survive without you, just like they have all these years, I know it will be hard but no where near as hard if you stay...

Artlady, while I agree there is no compound evidence to support the theory, but look at the past offenders, they are more times likely to continue the pattern than not. For every one person who is "cured" 4 others act upon their impulse again.

Artlady, while I agree there is no compound evidence to support the theory, but look at the past offenders, they are more times likely to continue the pattern than not. For every one person who is "cured" 4 others act upon their impulse again.

I said... I am trying to maintain an open mind.I want to believe that people can change and with effective treatment develop the skills to combat their pedophile obsession.

Research just does not support that theory.There is no disputing the facts that pedophilia is an incurable sexual deviation.

The theory I was referring to was that they can change ,I am saying the theory is not supported by research.

Maybe I did not make myself clear but I am agreeing that pedophilia is an incurable sexual deviation.

Oh OK, lol misunderstood what you were trying to say. I apologize

Oh ok, lol misunderstood what you were trying to say. I apologize

Have to spread the rep Rome but its no biggie.I should learn to make myself more clear... :)

I am at a loss for words, the girl he abused is a drug addict and moved back into his house. He also has a gay family member living there.

Sounds more like a good script for a new TV show,

I guess of course I have a hard time believing he has really changed, and have a hard time understanding this girl moving back in.

I guess I can only say from my point of view I would want to run from this

Thank all of you so much for the time you take to help others~I am still not sure what I will do but you have given me some insight to mull over..
Update is: She is now pregnant (one night stand) He gave her 1 month to move out.

He really does have major remorse and thinks about his wrong doing every day of his life. It haunts him and he says it always will. He doesn't like to be around children.. I truly believe he has changed.
He did it out of anger he built up from being abused all his life and then getting into a bad marriage. I have never seen him angry since I have been with him.He is very much a gentleman. We have never fought.. (just discussions) He had a very good phycologist.One of the best.
I just wanted to find a support group to help me understand him better.

Ok OK.. Has anyone out there been in the same kind of situation and had it work??
There has to be someone.

Artlady, while I agree there is no compound evidence to support the theory, but look at the past offenders, they are more times likely to continue the pattern than not. For every one person who is "cured" 4 others act upon their impulse again.

You really can't generalize, and I am not even sure how accurate your 4 in 1 stats are.

Recidivism rates for convicted sex offenders vary greatly, ranging from less than 5 percent to more than 50 percent, based on such factors as the victim's gender, the offender's relationship to the victim and whether the offender has received treatment, multiple studies have shown. In general, younger men who abuse boys they don't know have the highest risks of re-offending.

In by the way if I was in your place sunrayzd333 I would run.You need more than a support group to deal with all this mess

The Numbers Guy : How Likely Are Sex Offenders to Repeat Their Crimes? (http://blogs.wsj.com/numbersguy/how-likely-are-sex-offenders-to-repeat-their-crimes-258/)

Or
The Numbers Guy : How Likely Are Sex Offenders to Repeat Their Crimes? (http://blogs.wsj.com/numbersguy/how-likely-are-sex-offenders-to-repeat-their-crimes-258/)

In case the link doesn't work. A canadien study should that 88.3% and a study done in 1996, said 90% were more likely to relapse and strike again with an outcome being death.

One of the important things to consider here too is that there is probably a greater chance of several offences before finally getting caught. Like a shoplifter. Likely they have a career spanning a long time, but need only to get caught once, and that is the offense they are charged with.

And to pedophiles, we know they have histories, which in some ways reflect a lifestyle. The lifestyle is deceiptful, well planned, and carried out very carefully. It is not one victim, one time; rather several times with one victim, often for years, and on to new victims. These are not crimes committed one time only.

This is only my opinion here based on what I've read over the years, but I honestly cannot see how a 'cure' can happen, and if it does at all, surely it must be in the small minority.

The history created, cannot be erased. To forgive such crimes, and think they would never happen again, I just don't understand.

Are you kidding, your in love with a pedofile? Who cares if he got therapy, l'd like to think people can change but a pedofile I'm sorry but nope read all the facts about them! How could you be with someone that you knew hurt a child in that way, I'm sorry but that is discusting

I feel for your situation, I really do. I know many of us want to believe that someone can chance and be rehabilitated - its these very beliefs that make us human. I'm not going to go into whether he will be prone to committing similar crimes in the future or not - there are plenty of other posts that go into depth on that.

You came here asking what you should do, and that you needed a support group but could not find one. The fact that you came here and felt the need to share your story tells me that you must have some concern for this whole situation. Many of the other posters have also brought up some valid points here that you should consider.

You need to seriously step back and ask yourself some questions:

Are you willing to live with being in a relationship with a man that has this kind of past?
If you two were to bring a child into this world, would you be concerned about him?
Would you want to put any child into this situation, let alone possibly your own future children?
What would you do if this occurred to your child, knowing the facts you know right now?

I for one, would not be able to put ANY child into this situation, especially my own - no matter how much I loved anyone. To me it would be like putting a loaded gun into the hands of a criminal. I know you're in love with this man, but could you live with these possibilities if you stayed with him, knowing everything you know about him and what's going around you?

We can only point out the facts and other things you should consider but the decision is yours. You're the one that will ultimately have to live with your decision, not us. I truly hope that when you do make your decision that you're fully prepared to accept whatever possibilities exist not only for you, but for any future children you may have.

You can Google support groups in your area. I am sure that you should be able to find some free ones too.

Your fiancé might be a gentlement but he has a past. A past that was painful for him as a child and a past to where he turned someone life upside down from the abuse he inflicted on them. No words can explain how sorry I am to hear what he went through but anger gets to me after I hear about what he did to this innocent child who is now an adult. He took her innocent away that can never be brought back.

At this time I am glad that I am not in your shoes and don't if I would be able to fill those shoes because this is a lot to deal with. And this can take a toll of you mentally. So I think besides finding help for someone else you need to seek help for yourself. You need to know the pros and cons of marrying a sex offende especially if you plan on having a family with him.

This is all I've to say for now but if I think of something else, I'll let you know.

I am curious by this:

sunrayzd333 agrees: I am very sad. I didn't realise the answers that I would get here.

Did you believe you would get unanimous support?

What state do you live in and who are you seeking help for? Your fiancé or the girl?

Scroll down this page and see some posts that are similar to yours.

I'm going to buck the system a little. Maybe it's me, and maybe I want to see the best in people, and I've known people who have completely changed from doing drugs to being clean (I know this is way different) so I'm going to say someone can change.

That being said, my question is not really about him, her, or the gay dude. My question is about you. Other then love, what drew you into this situation? I mean, give the guy credit, he told you when you first met his past. Most women would have run from that. Instead, you continued moving forward? Why? What is going on in your life, and in your mind that makes this situation a need and want? Before you fell in love with him, what was the attraction? Why did you want to be a part of this lifestyle? To me the question isn't about him or her, but it's about you, and what you are getting from this situation that draws you back to it.

Something I found...

Well, since my husband was convicted 26 years ago of a sexula offense against a minor (a teenage girl 7 years younger than he, not a small child), I have some insight on this subject. The quotes by the California legislator and Fox News are a gross exaggeration. In fact they are so misleading that their statements need to be retracted. I have seen Dept. of Justice studies showing overall sex offenser recidivism is actually between 3 to 7% - far less than most other crimes.
Meanwhile my husband has been forced to move 4 times because of his registered offender status. Twice was while we have been married. His choice was to move or be taken to court and forced to move. The last time in 2005 I was 6 months pregnant when my husband received a court summons. We had to move when our child was two months old! Of course the District Attorney told my husband “Your wife doesn't have to move, you have to move.” So, basically what the registry restriction law was saying is they could separate a family, separate a wife from her husband and a child from his father.
I know my husband would not commit a sexual offense against another of any age. He was 21 when he committed his offense and it was with someone he knew and had been involved with for a short time. He is no longer a young man and hence no longer attracted to teenage girls.
But, sadly the public is being misled about these things because there are a lot of people on the sex offender registry just like my husband: their sentences have been completed long ago, they are no longer on parole or probation and yet our society keeps making laws that strip their freedoms and adversely affect their families as a direct result.
By the way, I do not sympothise with child molestors and both my husband and I are very cautious as to who is around our children - I have 3 and one on the way.

Comment by Lisa-wife of RSO - February 1, 2008 at 9:43 am
What my wife says is correct. What she didn't say is that my offense was considered aggravated which places me me in one of the higher risk categories (Though NOT a predator). The aggravating factor was tacked on my charge because at one point the girl said “No” and I said “Oh come on,” and gently pulled her. Yet that was enough to be considered forcible because she did say “no.”
I was 21, I was at a drinking party where there were minors drinking, drugs, and always younger girls sought out the older guys for romance, sex, what have you. It was a way of life I should not have been involved with but I was was young an naïve.
The court ordered evaluation in 1983 found I was not sexually dangerous. My treatment counsellor in 1988 recommended me as a good candidate for parole and posed little danger of reoffending. In 1991 my counsellor determined I was not dangerous and no longer needed counselling. Another evaluation showed I was a low to moderate risk and the only reason I wasn't the lowest risk was due to the age of my victim and the one aggravating factor. This particular evaluation considered a persons present living situation, family, and success on parole as factors, rather than just making a judgmentbased on the crime committed years before.
Truth is people can change. When I quit my partying lifestle and grew up: once I was in my mid 20s I had no desire to hang out with or seek relationships with girls who were minors.
Why then am I subject to a registration system and residency restrictions? My crime didn't happen anywhere near a school. It happened behind the girls house. My crime did not involve young children yet I was evicted because I lived about 900 feet from a kindergarten. I have driven relative children to school and picked them up, I have my own kids and stepkids. I certainly have no inkling of a desire for anyone other than my own spouse. To have such a desire I would consider unfaithful and I am not unfaithful. Even when I was single for a few years I sought relationships with women around my own age (30s), not teenagers. At the same time my friends all had kids and most knew about my offense. NONE of them thought I was any danger to any of their kids.
I guess it takes the people who really know you to know the truth about these things.
But to look at the registry and see my picture and offense information someone might be misled as to who I am or what I did. They don't realise many registered offenders now have wives and children of their own, they are responsible, they are good employees (It's been said better employees too), they long ago gave up any substance abuse problems that may have contributed to their offense.
I would only hope that more people get their facts strait and stop making the false judgments such as the one comment about 90% of sex offenders immediately committing this kind of crime as soon as they get out of jail…. I saw many sex offenders released and paroled over the years of my sentence. Funny, offhand I cannot think of one that was rearrested for another sex offense…….

Something I found...

Well, since my husband was convicted 26 years ago of a sexula offense against a minor (a teenage girl 7 years younger than he, not a small child), I have some insight on this subject.

Let me point out again to you that this article refers to a teenage girl being the victim. Some teenage girls I've seen can make themselves up to "look" 18... Since we don't have the full context to that story, it really doesn't apply to your situation here.


Also he sexually abused a step-daughter from the time she was 7 until she was 15.

Big difference here between age 7 and age 14, don't you think?


He really does have major remorse and thinks about his wrong doing every day of his life. It haunts him and he says it always will. He doesn't like to be around children.. I truly believe he has changed.

I know you're trying to grasp on to bits of hope that he's rehabilitated, but you said that HE DOESN'T LIKE to be around children. Probably because he feels tempted around them?

Like I said before, none of us here have a vested interest in your situation. What you ultimately decide to do will probably not affect anyone of us, so what this boils down to is what are YOU willing to live with? This is a question you have to answer yourself - but when you do, I hope you try to look at your situation objectively and make sure you're making the right decision for you and any future children you may have.

Good luck.

Something I found...

I have seen Dept. of Justice studies showing overall sex offenser recidivism is actually between 3 to 7% - far less than most other crimes.



I've seen that study Bureau of Justice Statistics Press Release: Recidivism of Sex Offenders Released from Prison in 1994 (http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/press/rsorp94pr.htm) but you have to keep in mind those percentages come from offenders that were reported and successfully prosecuted.

Do you realize that it is believed that 70% of rapes and 90% of molestations are never reported? The FBI reports that the National Institute for Mental Health found that only 1% to 10% of victims ever tell that they were abused. Boys report far less than girls.

Just something to think about.

Listen you have to know and understand that when you do the crime it can follow wherever you go.

Yes, if a sex offender move into my neighborhood me and my community is going do everything to kick out because I doing it for my kids and all the kids in our community. I think the justice system did one thing right that I agreed on by making sex offenders register and notifing the community when one move into your area.

I understand your 50 years old and don't want to start over and accept him but some people won't. I am sorry that you've move because of him but sadly this is what you signed up for.

Btw, what would be your reactions or feelings towards a sex offender moving in your neighborhood? I am all for standing by your man but in your case there isn't much standing you can do.

Sunny I agree with the latest post you wrote. The sexual register thing is a joke because a 18 year can have sex with 16 year old and if reported, and he gets in trouble, and is forced to be a sexual preditor for life. I'm am one of the few here on your side when it comes to realizing there is more to being a registered sexual offender, then just being a registered sex offender.

That having been said, you boyfriend went after a 7 year old. Having said that, I'll even go along and say that he can change.

That having been said, in the end we come back to you. This entire post has focused on him, and to be honest that's not why you are here, and that is not who we should be looking at helping. The closest we seem to have got is when you wrote...

" I was attracted to how kind he was ..I have never had a man treat me with such respect.He talked about his recovery and cried about what he had done.He was sincerely remorseful. He is always there to help people out."

What does he do that is so respectful? What does him being remorseful have to do with you? What I'm really driving at here is this. To me, there has to be something in YOU that drove you to this situation... or at the very least kept you interested at the beginning. Did you feel like you could help him? Did you feel like he wasn't loved and if you gave that to him it would complete the change? Did you feel like given his past he would love you more because other women would have got out of that situation? Is it something else. Look, I have no idea what the answer is, but there is something inside of you, that drove you into the situation once you knew the situation. You may have to really search for it, and it may be something that happened long before he ever became part of your life.

The criminal repeatedly decides to molest a child, and, having been 'cured', complain about the restrictions placed upon him.

To me at least, the crime is equal to the punishment as far as the molester goes. There is no forgiving, no forgetting, no living a life for the VICTIM, that does not affect every aspect of their lives.

Compared to a shattered life of a child, the agony lived for a lifetime, day in and day out, can never be 'justified', as molesters seem to do with their action. Recovery is never complete. The actions of an adult have affected that victim, it is a part of their history, and they live with it, every day of their lives. It doesn't go away, it cannot somehow be magically erased from the brain. They cannot justify it and absorb it into their psyche and pretend it never happened.

Without the predatory actions of the sexual abuser, how would the life of the victim been different. Should victims just accept the sorry excuses we've seen here, get over it, and move on like the criminal has?

I'm very sorry that sexual abusers have to be registered. What a terrible inconvenience. The nerve of society judging and condemning a molester when they don't know the TRUE facts as seen by the molester. How dare people question whether they are 'cured', and where is the forgiveness and compassion!

And off in the sidelines somewhere is a victim. In this case, pregnant, lazy, no good for nothing, who is about to be booted out by the man who molested her. She is living the life the molester created for her. That is who HE is, and that is what HE has done.

Let's get a little reality back into this picture here.

While we work around the pros and cons of somebody so emotionally bankrupt that they would consider a molester a good catch for a healthy relationship, masks the real issue here.

And that is, for what they have done, they deserve what they get. To justify them as anything other than what they are is to have your head in the sand. It matters not what the chances are they are 'cured' or 'remorseful' or 'misunderstood'.

They are what they are, and what they deserve is NO respect, NO second chances, and NO acceptance either by society, or the victims they have destroyed along the way. They cannot take away, by any stretch of the imagination, what they have done, even if it was w24 years ago. Time does not erase the crime.

I just want to say I have been sexualy abused myself when I was a child and it is life altering! It took me years to get a lot of the hurt out and now I'm prosicuting the son of a now 20 something years later. I have been through counseling and AA for the drinking problem I developed trying to bury what had happened to me. There is no sympothy what's so ever from me for any pedofile at all. Think of the children and there feelings for god sake and why on earth after knowing what he did would you be attracted to this guy in anyway at all. Just think about it really! This is coming straight from my heart, I'm sure you are a lovely person Sunray but please get out of that relationship. Maybe get some counseling to figure out why you feel you need to be with someone like that! Find some self worth because you are worth it! Be strong...

I just found this thread.

I too was molested as a child, I was 5 years old when it started. Later in life, when I was 18, I was raped. I never reported either person, I'm one of the silent victims.

Do I think people can change? I hope so, but don't really care.

Your boyfriend ruined the life of a child. Is he really remorseful or just upset that he got caught and is now being watched?

This child was 7 years old, he molested her for 8 years and now he wonders why she does drugs and sleeps around? Really? Well, he can pat himself on the back for that, she is what he made her.

Why you would want to be with someone like that is beyond me. Personally, I think that sex offenders should be castrated by the people they abused. I'd love to do the honors to the two people who felt they had the right to take away something that belonged to me and only me.

We can't tell you what to do. If you're okay with his past then continue seeing him. Before you do, sit down with his daughter, talk to her, look deep into her eyes and see what his past has done. I'm glad he's able to move on, because she likely never will.