Before you start reading just let me warn you that this is going to be long.

For seven months now my boyfriend has had trouble having sex with me. He loses his erection almost every single time we have sex and sometimes he can't even get hard enough to have sex. He kept telling me it was because he's worrying about performing badly, but after awhile I started to wonder if it was something physical so I got him to go to a doctor. The doctor said he has high blood pressure but that he thinks it's more of a mental problem than physical.

So this is where my past comes in. My boyfriend has always had trouble with my past. He doesn't bring it up but I know it bothers him. I used to lie to him about it because I was ashammed and I was scared he would leave me if I told him the truth. I felt guilty though, and I didn't want any secrets between us so I told him the truth about 2-3 months ago. He's always had a problem with my past and now it's even worse. Some of the things that bother him are: He accidentally seen a picture of me and my ex-boyfriend naked together. A few of the guys I had sex with or had sexual contact with he knows them personally and was friends with them at one point in time, and that bothers him a lot. I have been with more people than he has, and he said that makes him feel like when we have sex it's nothing special to me, that he's just another guy, which isn't true at all. He asked me why did I sleep with so many guys and I told him the truth, which was because I was young and stupid and I thought that every guy I found atttractive I should have sex with just because I could. Now he thinks that every guy I look at I want to have sex with because I think he looks good. I used to go clubs and flirt with guys and send guys pictures of my body, and he knows the truth about this and it bothers him. He said he knows the way I was before and it bothers him because he loves me so much and he wants to care for me and protect me but then he thinks about all the guys that have used me for sex and it hurts him. He said to me "imagine trying to have sex with me after seeing a picture of me and another girl having sex". This was his way of telling me the truth as to why he can't get hard when we have sex, which is that he's always thinking about my past.

Those are just some of the things he told me. I don't really know what to do about this. My past is my past, I regret it more than ANYTHING. I made these mistakes when I was 16years old, I was young and stupid I thought I knew what I was doing but really I had no idea. At the time I didn't think it was a bad thing to do what I was doing, I thought it was normal. My friends at the time were the same way as me, which didn't help. Finally I smartened up and I stopped acting the way I was. I completely changed. This happened almost four years ago, and I regret it more than anything, but I can't change it. I know it hurts him and I want to help him but what am I supposed to do if it's bothering him that badly? He said he still wants me and he's never thought about leaving me, but that it just hurts him a lot and he can't have sex with me because of it. He still holds me all the time and he's very affectionate but when it comes to sex he can't do it. The obvious solution would be to not have sex, but what else can I do to help him?

This is really hurting me. I regret my past so much and I know that I can't change it. I hate to know that something I regret so much is affecting the relationship with someone I love to death. I mean I never cheated on him and I feel like now I'm suffering for something I did years before I knew him. What can I do to help him?

Normally I never give a short answer... I'm the one apologizing for going on and on...

Here... my answer is simple. You can't help him.

A person simply CANNOT choose to be with a person and punish them for "mistakes" of the past. I don't think you necessarily made as many mistakes as you think you did. You mightve done things you wouldn't do again. You mightve done things you wouldn't do today.

But who the hell am I to whine and complain if my partner is good in bed? Am I supposed to get pi$$ed off when she uses some great move she learned with some other man? Really?? Is she supposed to smack me upside the head if I'm going down on her and I do it well because I learned from other loves??

Ungh.

OK. I'm going to try to stay on topic.

He has high blood pressure. He has performance anxiety. He has mental blocks. Any one of these can lead to erectile disfunction. Guess he went for the hat trick... the all three combo.

Look... the truth is all throughout your post. You are suffering for his BS noise, his petty anxiety, his inability to "forgive you" for your past... as if you need to be ashamed and forgiven.

You cannot help him. He needs to get his head out of his arse.

I am in no way trying to marginalize the real effects of stress or anxiety or physical conditions concerning ED. It is real. Fine.

But this guy ticks me off. He might be a great guy in every other way, but he is a master blame shifter in the bedroom... and its only going to get worse.

High blood pressure? OK. Is he healthy? Getting enough exercise. A study of young men with ED showed that exercise alone corrected the problem in a majority of the men.

Anxiety and mental blocks? OK. He needs to get his head right. Along with exercise, working out mental blocks is another prime area that reduces ED in younger men.

I'm not saying dump him to the curb... but the problem isn't your past. Its him. He needs to get his body right and he needs to get his mind right... and if he isn't willing to do any heavy lifting in this relationship... well... then you get to...

I'm sorry about the rant.

Normally, id offer kind suggestions to help him with ED issues... but he sounds like a person who is more than willing to live with his conditions and push all the blame to you... and I know you deserve more than that.

My fiancé has high blood pressure and it doesn't affect our sex life. Your past is your past and can't be undone. I respect you for being honest with him about it because I know it isn't an easy thing to do and he should respect it too.

Some people can't handle nor deal with the truth because of their own insecurites which your boyfriend has and your left in the situation your in. However, I can understand how your sleeping with someone he knew can affect him but again it was before him.

Maybe, if you haven't tried, you should talk to him about what your feelings right now and sadly if he can't let go and see the woman that lies before him, well that's is a decision you have to make.

I give you a lot of respect and glad you wise up when you did because some females never do.

Any problem with the vascular system can cause ED. High blood pressure or vascular disease is one of the things a med provider would look for. His ED might be largely from this physiological issue (tho' I believe its from many things) and I don't minimize it.

That said... he doesn't get a free ride.

He is putting all the blame on you... making it your issue... your past... your mistakes.

What a load.

A man can have performance anxiety and ED issues tied to it. Fine.

A man can have vascular or hormonal issues that cause ED. Fine.

A man can have mental blocks that lead to ED. Fine.

Many things can be tied to ED.

What you do about it is what defines you as a man.

Its one thing to have a problem that its challenging and frustrating. It is a problem that can shake a man at his core. But... its another to simply roll over and blame others for ones issues.

He needs to exercise and work to get his vascular system healthy and he needs to talk to a counselor (most likely) to work out of these mental blocks.

I think that you have to break up with this fellow... he is too weak-minded at this point in his life; he needs to have a girlfriend at his level of emotional development and sexual viewpoint.

You are probably the dominant person in this relationship... you two are a mismatch. There is no reason to waste any more time together in an enterprise destined to lmake each other miserable in the long run.

Best wishes, :)

For once, I agree with Choux.

Break up with him, leave, get away.

He's not going to change, and all it's going to do is make you feel worse and worse about yourself--when you have no reason to.

He needs to grow up and accept that people have a past. Period. I honestly don't get guys like this--do they really only want virgins in order to have sex?

In the future, with other guys, the ONLY part of your sexual past you should bring up is that you have been tested and are clean of STDs---and then only say that if it's the truth. He doesn't need a number, and he certainly doesn't need to know WHO. It is none of his business.

Your guy sounds very immature. He can't handle the fact that you've been with others. Of course, you cannot change your past, nor can you change his reaction to it- unless he is willing to see a counselor with you concerning his hang-up, I'd dump him. I hope everything works out well for you...

How High Blood Pressure Leads to Erectile Dysfunction

To understand how high blood pressure can lead to erectile dysfunction (ED), you first have to understand how erections work. Getting an erection is really a complicated process.
Anatomy of an Erection

In the shaft of the penis there are two side-by-side chambers of spongy tissue called the corpora cavernosa. They're mainly responsible for erections. Just below them is another chamber called the corpus spongiosum. The urethra, which carries semen and urine, runs through the center of it.

The corpora cavernosa are made of small arteries and veins, smooth muscle fiber, and empty spaces. The chambers are wrapped in a sheath of thin tissue.

When you get an erection, nerve signals from your brain or from the nerve endings in your penis cause the smooth muscle of the chambers to relax and arteries to dilate, or open wider. This allows a rush of blood to fill the empty spaces.

The pressure of blood flow causes the sheath of tissue around the chambers to press on veins that normally drain blood out of the penis. That traps blood in the penis. As more blood flows in, the penis expands and stiffens, and you have an erection.

When the excitement ends, the smooth muscle contracts again, taking pressure off the veins and allowing blood to flow back out of the penis. Then the penis returns to a flaccid state.
Many Factors Conspire to Cause Erectile Dysfunction

High blood pressure is a major cause of erection problems. A study in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society in 1988 found that about 49% of men ages 40-79 with high blood pressure had erectile dysfunction.

A more recent study of men with high blood pressure, published in the Journal of Urology in 2000, found that 68% of them had some degree of erectile dysfunction. For 45% of the men, it was considered severe.

High blood pressure keeps the arteries that carry blood into the penis from dilating the way they're supposed to. It also makes the smooth muscle in the penis lose its ability to relax. As a result, not enough blood flows into the penis to make it erect.

Men with high blood pressure may also have a low testosterone level. Testosterone is the male hormone that plays a big role in sexual arousal.

High blood pressure by itself can lead to erectile dysfunction. But some drugs for treating high blood pressure can actually be the cause as well.

Diuretics (or water pills) and beta-blockers are the blood pressure medications most commonly linked to erectile dysfunction.

Diuretics may cause erectile dysfunction by decreasing the force of blood flow into the penis. They may also decrease the amount of zinc in the body. Your body needs zinc to make testosterone.

Beta-blockers dampen the response to nerve impulses that lead to an erection. They also make it more difficult for the arteries in the penis to widen and let in blood. What's more, they can make you feel sedated and depressed -- and the mind always plays some part in sexual arousal.

Sometimes, the choices that some men with high blood pressure make can add to the problem. Smoking, especially, is one of those. Smoking increases blood pressure, and damages blood vessels and reduces blood flow all around the body.

The power to take control of your blood pressure and your sexual health is in your hands. By living a healthy lifestyle and working with your doctor, there's a very good chance you'll once again be able to have normal sexual function.

Erectile dysfunction and high blood pressure - WebMD (http://www.webmd.com/hypertension-high-blood-pressure/guide/high-blood-pressure-erectile-dysfunction)

This is really hurting me. I regret my past so much and I know that I can't change it. I hate to know that something I regret so much is affecting the relationship with someone I love to death. I mean I never cheated on him and I feel like now I'm suffering for something I did years before I knew him. What can I do to help him?
Part of his response is he alone, but you haven't forgotten what you've done either. Being as you still regret what you've done, that tells me you've neither learned from what you did and you still haven't come to terms with it either. If you're not okay with your past, neither will he or any boyfriend you have.

It's no one's fault here, but you're not ready for a relationship. A relationship needs stability which stems from trust, respect and self-confidence and clearly, neither of you two have that right now.

Break up with him so you can sort everything out yourself, alone. At least then you'll leave it on a good note because it's not going to get any better.

Your past is your past. He needs to deal w/ it or move out of the way!

This could very well be E.D. (refer to my earlier post) and he is not man enough to cop to the fact so he is blaming your past on his problem.

You can't rule out the medical side of this.

I find his excuse implausible and just a way to put the blame elsewhere.To admit erectile dysfunction is not easy on the male ego, so he is taking the easy way and blaming it on some psycho babble nonsense about your past.

Did his erections stop as soon as you confessed to him? I doubt it.He is using your past so he can feel like this issue is not his to bear.

Either way you look at it,erection or not ,sex or not,you have to live with your past and you should forgive yourself.

Tell him he needs a urologist and then he might think about therapy for his inability to accept you as you are.

Breaking things off is the best solution. There's no way to fix the way he feels about you if he can't understand the past is the past. He is making your past your present and you don't need that. You've changed and your different smarter person now, don't let him make you feel like you can never get over it.

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm going to try and address everything everyone has said.

About the erectile disfunction, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have that. He get's hard very easily and he stays hard during foreplay and oral sex, it's just when we start having sex he goes soft. One thing I probably should have mentioned is that he's paranoid schizophrenic. He takes medication for it which is what causes him to have high blood pressure.

Also, I think I might have given the wrong impression as to how he's dealing with this. He never actually says anything to me about my past. When we first got together I knew he had a problem with it because I knew he didn't like the guys in my past, but he never said anything about it. When I first told him the truth, he was upset but also happy that I was honest. He never mentioned it again until 2 days ago when I asked him was it bothering him. I always had a feeling that's what the problem was but I never wanted to talk about it so I didn't say anything to him, until the other day. The reason he knows so much about my past is because some of the guys I was with told people that they had sex with me (this was in highschool) and it got around, so that's how he knew about it. I actually denied it for a long time but I told him the truth when I was confessing everything to him.

To be honest if I knew he slept with as many girls as I have guys I would feel horrible about it too. I regret my past a lot, and for years I ignored it and acted like it never happened. I only told my boyfriend the truth because I respect him and I don't want to hide anything from him. Maybe it's really hard for him because I lied about it for years before I told the truth.

We've only talked about it twice, which was when I told him and when I asked him was it bothering him. When he told me it was the reason he had trouble having sex with me I wanted to know what I could do to fix this, and what advice could I give to help him. I don't want to leave him. He treats me so good and the only problem we have in our relationship is the sex.

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm going to try and address everything everyone has said.

About the erectile disfunction, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have that. He get's hard very easily and he stays hard during foreplay and oral sex, it's just when we start having sex he goes soft. One thing I probably should have mentioned is that he's paranoid schizophrenic. He takes medication for it which is what causes him to have high blood pressure.

Also, I think I might have given the wrong impression as to how he's dealing with this. He never actually says anything to me about my past. When we first got together I knew he had a problem with it because I knew he didn't like the guys in my past, but he never said anything about it. When I first told him the truth, he was upset but also happy that I was honest. He never mentioned it again until 2 days ago when I asked him was it bothering him. I always had a feeling that's what the problem was but I never wanted to talk about it so I didn't say anything to him, until the other day. The reason he knows so much about my past is because some of the guys I was with told people that they had sex with me (this was in highschool) and it got around, so that's how he knew about it. I actually denied it for a long time but I told him the truth when I was confessing everything to him.

To be honest if I knew he slept with as many girls as I have guys I would feel horrible about it too. I regret my past a lot, and for years I ignored it and acted like it never happened. I only told my boyfriend the truth because I respect him and I don't want to hide anything from him. Maybe it's really hard for him because I lied about it for years before I told the truth.

We've only talked about it twice, which was when I told him and when I asked him was it bothering him. When he told me it was the reason he had trouble having sex with me I wanted to know what I could do to fix this, and what advice could I give to help him. I don't want to leave him. He treats me so good and the only problem we have in our relationship is the sex.

I still think a urologist has to exclude all medical possibilities before you tackle possible psychological ones.

Many couples get through this,especially in my age group where it is not uncommon(mid 50's).There is always a real possibility that his medication could be causing this.

Either way you look at this,it seems unlikely you are going to sort this out without some medical intervention.

Arm yourselves with all the info you can and go to the doctor prepared to ask all the right questions.I hope you get through this,sex is not everything in a relationship but it is a beautiful expression of love that is important.

I still think a urologist has to exclude all medical possibilities before you tackle possible psychological ones.

Many couples get through this,especially in my age group where it is not uncommon(mid 50's).There is always a real possibility that his medication could be causing this.

Either way you look at this,it seems unlikely you are going to sort this out without some medical intervention.

Arm yourselves with all the info you can and go to the doctor prepared to ask all the right questions.I hope you get through this,sex is not everything in a relationship but it is a beautiful expression of love that is important.

You're right, he needs to go back to the doctor to rule out all possibilities that it could be something physical. Unfortunately that will take weeks. For now the only solution we came to is to stop having sex. We had a long talk about it last night and he was telling me how what stops him from having sex is that he's worrying about whether I like it or not and he's also thinking about my past. It's been 7 months now though and I think that after 7 months he should have been able to get a little better, but it's the samething it was from the beginning. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but I think it's important and being in a relationship with no sex is going to be so hard for me. It would be easier if we never had sex in the first place, but we've been trying for 7 months and now to just stop it's going to be hard but at this point I have no other choice. Thank You for your advice.

Well, I feel bad for him but worst for you... I mean, you already regret it and you changed, and he doesn't have the right to torture you for it.
I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes, it must be really hard. All I wanted to say was that he's not only destroying himself by doing that, but you too by making you feel bad and you just need to try and not get hurt from it. He's REALLY insecure and it seems like something has shocked him sexually before you. Maybe he has a girlfriend who made fun of him because of his inabilities? I think that's something to look into but don't pressure him to find out. I think he needs help... not from you, from a psychologist. He has some big personal problem with his self esteem and only an expert can help in my opinion.
I wish I could help more, good luck though honey.

Well, I feel bad for him but worst for you... I mean, you already regret it and you changed, and he doesn't have the right to torture you for it.
I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes, it must be really hard. All I wanted to say was that he's not only destroying himself by doing that, but you too by making you feel bad and you just need to try and not get hurt from it. He's REALLY insecure and it seems like something has shocked him sexually before you. Maybe he has a girlfriend who made fun of him because of his inabilities? I think that's something to look into but don't pressure him to find out. I think he needs help... not from you, from a psychologist. He has some big personal problem with his self esteem and only an expert can help in my opinion.
I wish I could help more, good luck though honey.

Yes he's very insecure about himself. I don't think it's because of his past though. I asked him if the girls in his past ever told him he was too small or if they said something to make him feel bad about himself and he said no but even if they had he wouldn't care because he didn't care about what they thought. I also think he should get help from a psychologist or therapist but he can't afford one.

I don't know what to do in this situation. I don't want to leave him, he treats me good and the sex is the only problem in our relationship, but how am I supposed to be in a relationship when my boyfriend can't have sex with me?.

Wow, I can believe your boyfriend is letting your past interfer with the present so much and in return making you feel the way you do and making you suffer. This why sometimes you can't tell someone the complete truth because they can't handle it but he needs to understand the past from the present and stop thinking about it and really let it go. I mean who know the two of you would wind up together and what is done is done so again he needs to let go. With the way he is letting the past take toll on your relationship I'd be afraid to open up to him again.

Also, if he can't pay to see a therapist he can always go through his health insurance by getting a referral from his physican. Or he can go to any city hospital mental health office to see if they free counseling because I know the ones in my area do. Or you can Google some free ones in your area.

You know something... everyone has a past... his using yours that way is simply an immature cop-out. I've known or dated several women who were rape vitims or far worse. What matters is the person you are her, right now, today.

There is a famous old German saying, " What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger".

You take you life experience (good and bad) to make yourself a better person now and in the future, and don't waste your time with anyone who uses your past to call you damaged goods.

If it were your past that was causing his lack of sexual function, that is only part of the picture. I don't think that you are the cause of this.

If he were so distraught about your past, you would see it through the entire relationship. He wouldn't trust you, he'd be disrespectful, show little affection, and would consider or threaten to leave, avoid you, be accusatory, and blame you for ALL the things that go wrong.

If he were bothered so much by your past, wouldn't he treat you as a different person?

It seems to me that the problem is sex only. Why is he okay with everything else, and blames you for his lack of ability in that department.

It is a convenient excuse in my humble opinion, to have a ready made reason for him not to take care of his own business. He needs to see another doctor, who specializes in sexual dysfunction, and get to the bottom of the problem. It may very well be a physcial cause that is not diagnosed.

As long as you accept the responsibility for his problem, he is not addressing it.

Wow, I can believe your boyfriend is letting your past interfer with the present so much and in return making you feel the way you do and making you suffer. This why sometimes you can't tell someone the complete truth because they can't handle it but he needs to understand the past from the present and stop thinking about it and really let it go. I mean who know the two of you would wind up together and what is done is done so again he needs to let go. With the way he is letting the past take toll on your relationship I'd be afraid to open up to him again.

Also, if he can't pay to see a therapist he can always go through his health insurance by getting a referal from his physican. Or he can go to any city hospital mental health office to see if they free counseling because I know the ones in my area do. Or you can google some free ones in your area.

I know, I wish I didn't tell him now. I only told him because I didn't want any secrets between us but now I don't think it was worth it to tell him and in the future I'll never tell anyone else the truth. Although, he's always had a problem with my past from the very beginning.

Thanks for the ideas. I'm going to mention it to him and hopefully he can get to see one soon.

You know something....everyone has a past.....his using yours that way is simply an immature cop-out. I've known or dated several women who were rape vitims or far worse. What matters is the person you are her, right now, today.

There is a famous old German saying, " What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger".

You take you life experience (good and bad) to make yourself a better person now and in the future, and don't waste your time with anyone who uses your past to call you damaged goods.

I agree. I keep trying to explain to him that I know I made mistakes and I was young and stupid at the time and I learned now but he won't let it go. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Is it fair if I say to him that he needs to accept my past or I have to leave him?

I agree. I keep trying to explain to him that I know I made mistakes and I was young and stupid at the time and I learned now but he wont let it go. I don't know what to say to him anymore. Is it fair if I say to him that he needs to accept my past or I have to leave him?
My opinion is yes... You are who you are. You can't change the past, nobody can. He deals with it or you move on. Would you want to be dealing with this with him 10, 20 or even 30 years in the future? I bet not.


And honestly... if he says he will, I bet he may just suppress it... for a while. If he doesn't find a way to come to terms with himself... all he would be doing is sweeping it under the rug. Its still there, and that little pile just gets bigger and bigger until it looks like someone threw a rug over a small animal. Then it's a big mess rather than a small one.

If it were your past that was causing his lack of sexual function, that is only part of the picture. I don't think that you are the cause of this.

If he were so distraught about your past, you would see it through the entire relationship. He wouldn't trust you, he'd be disrespectful, show little affection, and would consider or threaten to leave, avoid you, be accusatory, and blame you for ALL the things that go wrong.

If he were bothered so much by your past, wouldn't he treat you as a different person?

It seems to me that the problem is sex only. Why is he okay with everything else, and blames you for his lack of ability in that department.

It is a convenient excuse in my humble opinion, to have a ready made reason for him not to take care of his own business. He needs to see another doctor, who specializes in sexual dysfunction, and get to the bottom of the problem. It may very well be a physcial cause that is not diagnosed.

As long as you accept the responsibility for his problem, he is not addressing it.


Wow, what you're saying is sooo true. I showed my boyfriend what you said and he said that the reason he hugs and kisses me and is affectionate is because nothing will stop him from loving me it's just when we have sex he thinks about all the guys I had sex with and it makes him go soft.

I agree with you though, if my past was the ONLY problem then he wouldn't want to be affectionate and he would threaten to leave.

My personal opinion is yes....You are who you are. You can't change the past, nobody can. He deals with it or you move on. Would you want to be dealing with this with him 10, 20 or even 30 years int he future? I bet not.


And honestly....if he says he will, I bet he may just supress it.....for a while. If he doesn't find a way to come to terms with himself.....all he would be doing is sweeping it under the rug. Its still there, and that little pile just gets bigger and bigger until it looks like someone threw a rug over a small animal. Then its a big mess rather than a small one.

I've told him that before also. He can't just ignore it because it's always going to come back. He needs to accept it or else it will never go away. No I'm not willing to deal with this for years. I don't think it's fair to me. I understand my past hurt him but I never cheated on him and I never did any of these things when I knew him, it was all before, so why should I suffer now. Maybe it hasn't been long enough since I told him the truth, maybe he needs more time. I told him about 2.5-3 months ago..

I've told him that before also. He can't just ignore it because it's always going to come back. He needs to accept it or else it will never go away. No I'm not willing to deal with this for years. I don't think it's fair to me. I understand my past hurt him but I never cheated on him and I never did any of these things when I knew him, it was all before, so why should I suffer now. Maybe it hasn't been long enough since I told him the truth, maybe he needs more time. I told him about 2.5-3 months ago..

Well you can give him some time... but keep in mind... he has to deal with it... its not your problem. And know that some people are so petty about certain things there is the possibility he might not come to terms with it, and you have to be able to be objective and decide when its time to move on if it comes down to it.

People are who they are... if you try to bend over backwards to conform to someone else's expectations it will make you very unhappy.

Well you can give him some time......but keep in mind....he has to deal with it....its not your problem. And know that some people are so petty about certain things there is the possibility he might not come to terms with it, and you have to be able to be objective and decide when its time to move on if it comes down to it.

People are who they are.....if you try to bend over backwards to conform to someone elses expectations it will make you very unhappy.

I hope that one day he can accept it. He says he can but obviously he's going to say that. I don't know if 3 months is long enough to get over it, I guess only time will tell. Thank you for your advice, you've helped me feel better about myself. This has been really hard on me and it helps when people can understand it from my point of view.

I hope that one day he can accept it. He says he can but obviously he's going to say that. I don't know if 3 months is long enough to get over it, I guess only time will tell. Thank you for your advice, you've helped me feel better about myself. This has been really hard on me and it helps when people can understand it from my point of view.
Also It helps to say I've actually been in a similar situation.. mostly from his side, but having been there, and having come to understand what had to be done I can relate. Its going to be hard for him to do... and no promise he really will come to terms. He has to rationalize it in his own way to deal with it and accept it, or not. In my case I had to walk away... accepting the situation wasn't one that would have worked in my case. Her issues were way different than yours in that she was continuing a destructive course of behaviour by her own chosing that could land her in jail or the morgue.

Also It helps to say I've actually been in a simular situation..mostly from his side, but having been there, and having come to understand what had to be done I can relate. Its going to be hard for him to do....and no promise he really will come to terms. He has to rationalize it in his own way to deal with it and accept it, or not. In my case I had to walk away....accepting the situation wasn't one that would have worked in my case. Her issues were way different than yours in that she was continuing a destructive course of behaviour by her own chosing that could land her in jail or the morgue.

It's a tough situation to be in and it does help that you went through it yourself. It's good that you can relate from his side but also understand my side. I made these mistakes almost four years ago, haven't done anything like it since, and I never will again. I understand how hard it must be for him but I really believe that one day he'll learn to accept it. I know he loves me a lot and I'm willing to help him get through this. I think our relationship is worth it. Thank you so much for your advice.

It's a tough situation to be in and it does help that you went through it yourself. It's good that you can relate from his side but also understand my side. I made these mistakes almost four years ago, haven't done anything like it since, and I never will again. I understand how hard it must be for him but I really believe that one day he'll learn to accept it. I know he loves me a lot and I'm willing to help him get through this. I think our relationship is worth it. Thank you so much for your advice.Oh I completely understand from your side. People make mistakes, most learn from them... You can't hold people responsible for minor things they did in the past. What matters more is that those same poor choices aren't continuing to happen. We have all done things in the past we aren't proud of. Most of us have learned from those mistakes and most of us won't hold on to someone's past indescretions like he is.

I understand how hard it must be for him but I really believe that one day he'll learn to accept it. I know he loves me a lot and I'm willing to help him get through this. I think our relationship is worth it.

I probably said something like this before... but id like to stress one thing. Both sides should be doing the "heavy lifting" in this relationship. Now... sometimes one person does more mental work... you are willing to try to help him work through whatever noise he needs to work through.

That's fine. I don't think what he is doing to you is fair (passively "punishing" you for your past)... he doesn't get to choose to be with you and then complain about things he needs to accept... but its your choice. You get to put in as much "extra" work as you choose to.

Lord knows I've had times when a woman's patience was desperately needed, even if not deserved.

Just make sure you aren't always doing the work to make this work. Most people, in time, will not thrive in that environment. If he tends to hold grudges, cling onto mistakes of the past, tends to use these things to corner you when there are issues in the relationship, its not good.

Or at least its something you need to be willing to deal with.

I've done a lot of dumb things. Some on purpose. Some without intent. But one thing I'm not going to do is have to constantly validate my character today by defending or apologizing for past transgressions.

You seem genuinely sorry for mistakes you've made. I hope he learns to genuinely "forgive" and accept.

Not that I think you need his forgiveness for anything. You might need your own forgiveness, tho'.

Best wishes.

i probably said something like this before... but id like to stress one thing. both sides should be doing the "heavy lifting" in this relationship. now... sometimes one person does more mental work... you are willing to try to help him work through whatever noise he needs to work through.

thats fine. i dont think what he is doing to you is fair (passively "punishing" you for your past)... he doesnt get to choose to be with you and then complain about things he needs to accept... but its your choice. you get to put in as much "extra" work as you choose to.

Lord knows ive had times when a womans patience was desperately needed, even if not deserved.

just make sure you arent always doing the work to make this work. most people, in time, will not thrive in that environment. if he tends to hold grudges, cling onto mistakes of the past, tends to use these things to corner you when there are issues in the relationship, its not good.

or at least its something you need to be willing to deal with.

ive done a lot of dumb things. some on purpose. some without intent. but one thing im not going to do is have to constantly validate my character today by defending or apologizing for past transgressions.

you seem genuinely sorry for mistakes youve made. i hope he learns to genuinely "forgive" and accept.

not that i think you need his forgiveness for anything. you might need your own forgiveness, tho'.

best wishes.

Hey, sorry I took so long to reply. Since he told me that my past was bothering him he hasn't brought it back up, which makes me feel a lot better about it. However, the sex is still bad, he's still going soft. I had a huge breakdown and started crying because he's gone soft literally almost every time we have sex or tried to have sex and it's making me feel horrible about myself. We both were crying like crazy and he told me he wants us to go to his doctor next week and find out if he can get free counselling somewhere. I know I shouldn't let if effect me this badly but myself esteem is getting really low because of this. But yea, that's the conclusion that we came to for now and hopefully he can get some counselling.

Thank you.

Oh sorry, I replied to this while in the account that my boyfriend made. He actually asked a question in the adult sexuality section a few days ago, but his question was deleted and I went in his account to find out why it was deleted and forgot to sign back out. Sorry for the confusion but this is Bonita--.

I'm still wondering though why was his question deleted? The title was "still looseing erection after 8 months". I can't find it anywhere and it says that it no longer exists but I can't find a reason why..

It was deleted because of the chat speak.

Adult Sexuality is an ADULT board, and the site in general discourages any chat speak. Most of the time, if no ages are given, I assume anyone using chat speak is 14.

Maybe that's biased, but I figure that if you're asking an adult question, you should be communicating as an adult--using proper English.

I suggest that he repost his question, stating your ages and making sure not to use any chat speak.

It was deleted because of the chat speak.

Adult Sexuality is an ADULT board, and the site in general discourages any chat speak. Most of the time, if no ages are given, I assume anyone using chat speak is 14.

Maybe that's biased, but I figure that if you're asking an adult question, you should be communicating as an adult--using proper English.

I suggest that he repost his question, stating your ages and making sure not to use any chat speak.

Oh OK, I thought that's why it was deleted. I told him to write it again but type properly and say his age. Thanks.

Since your past will never change, he will never ultimately become comfortable with your past. This is a very difficult issue for a man to overcome.

Do both of you a favor and release him from the relationship. Ultimately, he will feel better and you will feel better. Don't feel bad for moving on. It's just not a fit, and its not healthy for either of you.

Are you one of those folks that take a masochistic joy in guilt?
If so, you're in the perfect relationship; may it bloom into a true self-loathing.
If not, talk to your guy about a sabbatical -- not a breakup, just a vacation from each other. You can even promise not to see anyone else for a year.

As of the time of your post, you obviously don't like yourself very much because you indulged. Why are you guilt-tripping? If all you came out of it with is a sexual history you are a very lucky individual. AIDS and Herpes and Hepatitis and Addiction were right there waiting for you.

As far as advice goes, leave other people alone until you can deal with yourself. If you can learn to like yourself, everything (make that EVERYTHING) else will fall into place. It's old Seventies psychobabble but nonetheless true.

I actually posted this a few months ago, and since then my boyfriend went to the doctors and found out that he has low levels of testostorone which may be contributing to the problem, and he also admitted to me that he was a virgin when we first had sex and that's why he was always so nervous. Since I posted this my past has never been brought up, and the sex has even gotten a bit better.

I don't have an answer to your question but I do have a question to ask of the females.


Bonita-- Confessed to her boyfriend to some of the things that she had done when she was sixteen, she claimed that she was stupid and that all her friends were doing it also.

So my question is how many girls did the same thing as Bonita did at sixteen of even younger and are now sorry for doing it. If you could go back in time would you do it the same again or would you try to not have sex till later in life. One other question, for those of you that gave oral sex thinking it was not sex at all, what is your feeling now about whether oral sex is sex or not.

I don't have an answer to your question but I do have a question to ask of the females.


Bonita-- Confessed to her boyfriend to some of the things that she had done when she was sixteen, she claimed that she was stupid and that all her friends were doing it also.

So my question is how many girls did the same thing as Bonita did at sixteen of even younger and are now sorry for doing it. If you could go back in time would you do it the same again or would you try to not have sex till later in life. One other question, for those of you that gave oral sex thinking it was not sex at all, what is your feeling now about whether oral sex is sex or not.

This should be a new question, really.

Well, we have all made mistakes... we are human, we try and learn from them. The problem is, your boyfriend has serious self confidance issues, seems like he sufferes from anxiety (or could even be depression). I know this, because I suffered from depression, which was caused from anxiety and lack of self confidance. I saw a phycologist, and it does actually help. What really didn't help me (everyone is different) was pitty and sympathy, because it made me feel sorry for myself, but reasoning, I managed to find a shrink who was able to reason and explain my feelings, and try and work out ways to counteract them. Although my problem didn't lead to problems in the bedroom, it led to complete isolation from the outside world, which in fact made me lonely, and stuck for being able to socialise with people. Especially girls, I'm extremily shy when I meet girls, but I've waited, and I might have found someone special...

But, I'm babbling...

Talk to him, tell him, the past is the past, and the future is there for the taking! He obviously loves you to bits, hense why he is with u, and you obviously love him, as you are asking for advice. So try and get him to relax more, open up a bit. More than likely, he is using your past to blame, so he can keep his problems bottled up inside...

CONTROL!! When someone truly loves someone else they don't say or do things to hurt that person, they are accepting and empathetic and will want to see you happy and at peace. Your man saying he hurts for you, because of what you put yourself through, might make you think he's being caring... when in fact what he is doing is throwing it back in your face to make you feel small because he is insecure. And withholding sex, more controlling behaviour. If you are constantly wondering why why why when it comes to him... it's because that's what controlling men/women do... keep you confused and down and right by their side.

You where young, and really... good... bad... it's all relative... any situation or action can be interpreted as both depending on who you ask. So, don't let your past hold you back and don't let others keep throwing it in your face. You are a human being, we all make mistakes, and Im pretty sure we wouldn't learn to grow and be better people without those mistakes. Be true to you! Good luck!

Before you start reading just let me warn you that this is going to be long.



This is really hurting me. I regret my past so much and I know that I can't change it. I hate to know that something I regret so much is affecting the relationship with someone I love to death. I mean I never cheated on him and I feel like now I'm suffering for something I did years before I knew him. What can I do to help him?

This advise is for all. I would guess that if the woman tries hard to make her man feel special and showing that he is the special one in your life would be very helpful; not going out of your way but in a normal positive way so that he feels that you truly feel it and that it is obvious that you are not TRYING to make him feel special because of his insecurity. I say this because, I stumbled onto this site and understand the feeling. I have been married for over 20 years. I anticipated a virgin wife as I myself waited; I was over 30 but knew that this special bond was more than something special but something that I would share with only my wife. I met her through similar minded clergy and after we were engaged I was shocked and very hurt that she had a "boyfriend" previously. What hurt more is that she poo-pooed my feelings and I could not express them. This distain made things worse. I felt though that she had turned a new leaf in life and that that was in her past life. However, as the wedding approached I was more apprehensive. I waited all my life and now it felt like it would be missing a lot. In fact, it was a horrible night for me; one that I remember always. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she got up and went to the kitchen for some food ( she used to be a smoker & I felt that maybe that was what she wanted to do). It made me feel that this was not special at all; if fact the anticipation even for her seemed real and that she tried to make me feel good but when the "act" was to commence, she seemed the "professional" and I felt like pure garbage. OK. Maybe I could get over it, but her behaviour for months thereafter was for me to "satisfy her" as she claimed that she never climaxed before. She kept giving me instructions as to what to do; more and more I felt lost and that it appeared that her getting married was to elliminate "sex" but have climaxes. Fortunately I was successful and she has been " satisfied" for years. Me on the other hand, she treats me as a Man who is only interested in one thing and if I do make "moves" I get the cold shoulder; she has to initiate everything. Why I go on about this is because even after 20 years I am still suffering. True, if my wife would treat me with respect and more caring then probably I would not continue to have these thoughts but every time she comes out with the comment about " all men are pigs and interested in one thing etc..." these thoughts return. I should add one more important pieces of information. A little over a year after our marriage, I accidentally (really) found her travel diary which she had told me about and that she would want me to see. After glancing though it found out that it was not one boyfriend but she loved to be picked up and "have a wild time". IN fact she wrote once that she went a week without going to bed with this guy on the first date and felt great about it and that she respected herself more for this behaviour. Well, you can imagine how I felt; this almost killed me; She had changed her life, but only about 2 years before she met me.
I tried to "accept" this but even to this date, it is hard especially because she had NEVER made me feel special and always when we are together, it is to satisfy HER.

Why do I tell you all this. Because today, marriage is more economical and for "safe sex" because there is nothing left to share which is special between couples. The liberals/media try to make one feel less "progressive" if they abstain until marriage. Well, one can date and have a good time and even date their intended for along time and still wait. Is it hard? In today's society, probably yes BUT notice how many people respond to these questions in the negative. Why does one have to hide ones past? BECAUSE IT HURTS THE OTHER PARTY. Why does it hurt? BECAUSE IT MATTERS!! Marriage is a life together of special moments. Why get married if you've done everything before? Today, that is one of the reasons for the statistically fewer marriages and greater divorces. NO REASON TO WORK ON A RELATIONSHIP. Do you all want to be like Seinfelds or Friends characters.

In conclusion, my advise to you is if the boy loves you, give it some time. BUT DROP THE SEX. Every time you are together, it is just like with your other conquests except now you care for the boy. He will feel now that he is just another guy and there is no way to change this now. In fact, I have respect for him because his feelings are genuine for if not he would have no problem "performing". He does not want to perform he wants to make love and how can he do that when he feels that you are just having sex with him?
It will take some time and maybe he will get over it; I'm sure that he will provided you do as I said in the beginning. Make him feel important always and not as a man but as YOUR Special person for life. STOP HAVING SEX. Sure kiss etc but not much more. Let him see that you do not NEED SEX but want his attention. If in time, you decide to marry, WAIT for the wedding night. In this way, you will be both coming to the marriage bed after a very long hiatus knowing that now you were waiting for each other. Unfortunately, I will not have this because my wife does not respect me nor treat me in any special way, as I have stated. Time does heal (and also the fact of my religious upbringing and my special friends who allow me to express some of my feelings). Do not harp on this with him. Just abstain and abstain. It can only help. A relationship should be everything else until marriage (or close to it). Let a relationship grow for if it is mainly sex then you have no relationship. While you can talk about this matter openly, again, it is around the
"bed". See if you can move the relationship one step higher and away from this topic. Since you both would probably NOT wait until marriage, by abstaining, over time and with a fun relationship, he will probably "cure" himself and in time will be ready for the step backwards to the sexual relationship; if not, then at that time, end it

Honest Advisor

I salute your courage for telling him the details of your past. Not many people can do that. Since you have dumped that past lifestyle there is no problem with you. The problem is that of your man who finds it difficult to forget the past. If he truly loves you, he will accept you and forget the past.
The truth is, if he is finding it difficult to accept your past, do not go into a marriage relationship with him. You can help him by advising him to visit a counsellor. If that does not work, forget about the relationship.