My boyfriend (21 yrs old) and I (19 yrs old) have been together for 3 years now. We aren't married, but his brother (28 yrs old) will be getting married in April of this year. His and fiancé (31 yrs old) have been together for a year and a half and they have decided to get married, which is fantastic because he's had his go with a few really mean girls. Anyway, there's a bit of a snag. For the past year, I've been trying so hard for her to like me and for some reason she just won't take to me. My bf's brother and I are somewhat close, I mean I've been in this family for 3 years now, but all of a sudden he doesn't really care for me either. I don't know what is going on. I have similar interests with this girl and I'm trying really hard but nothing seems to work. The thing that worries me the most is that if something happens b/w her and I, I will be the first to go because I'm not married and because my boyfriend has more loyalty to his brother than his brother to him.

What can I do? My boyfriend says to just keep moving forward and doing what I'm doing, but it's difficult to continue this. She is not somewhat controlling my actions, as I am no longer allowed to make fun of my bf's brother because it upsets her. I feel like my whole life is changing for her.

Any ideas?

Thanks!

She may be jealous of your position in the family. Alpha female kind of thing? You were there first.

Some girls do not like any teasing with their men.Even if he is like a brother to you.They see it as an exclusive right of partnership.

I would not sweat it too much.Not everyone likes everyone and all you can do is respect those boundaries she has enforced.

Try to distance yourself as much as possible from her,it serves no purpose to attempt friendship when she is clearly not willing.

She may be jealous of your position in the family. Alpha female kind of thing? You were there first.

Some girls do not like any teasing with their men.Even if he is like a brother to you.They see it as an exclusive right of partnership.

I would not sweat it too much.Not everyone likes everyone and all you can do is respect those boundaries she has enforced.

Try to distance yourself as much as possible from her,it serves no purpose to attempt friendship when she is clearly not willing.


That makes sense. It just sucks because they are such a close family. I suppose all I can do is be civil to her when we're around each other. I just don't know what to do with the awkwardness in the air!

Thanks for the reply!

That makes sense. It just sucks because they are such a close family. I suppose all I can do is be civil to her when we're around each other. I just don't know what to do with the awkwardness in the air!!

Thanks for the reply!

Ask your boyfriend to be there to level off any uncomfortable vibes.Tell him to stick by you a little more than usual and be sure to include you in the group dynamic.
Maybe once she feels you are not any kind of threat,she will loosen up and give you a chance.

Ask your bf to be there to level off any uncomfortable vibes.Tell him to stick by you a little more than usual and be sure to include you in the group dynamic.
Maybe once she feels you are not any kind of threat,she will loosen up and give you a chance.

Yeah, maybe. Our personalities are so much alike and were both very dominant, so this is where we conflict a lot of the time. Plus, my boyfriend is not very dominant in that he does things like that. I kind of "run" the relationship, like most women tend to do. Maybe I should talk to him about standing up and being more of a man. That could be part of all of the strains and stresses on me right now. Juggling work, school, and a relationship isn't easy. Maybe he should take the reins for a while. It's just hard for me to let him do that, it's only natural for me to take hold anf run with it!

Idk, I just want her to like me. I try really hard. I feel like the odd one out, esp with the wedding coming up. Like I'm just some random girl that hangs around all the time.

*sigh* Does life get any easier?

Yeah, maybe. Our personalities are so much alike and were both very dominant, so this is where we conflict alot of the time. Plus, my bf is not very dominant in that he does things like that. I kind of "run" the relationship, like most women tend to do. Maybe I should talk to him about standing up and being more of a man. That could be part of all of the strains and stresses on me right now. Juggling work, school, and a relationship isn't easy. Maybe he should take the reins for a while. It's just hard for me to let him do that, it's only natural for me to take hold anf run with it!

Idk, I just want her to like me. I try really hard. I feel like the odd one out, esp with the wedding coming up. Like I'm just some random girl that hangs around all the time.

*sigh* Does life get any easier?

Two dominant females... that says a lot right there.
If this means so much to you ask her if you could meet for coffee,just you two and hash it out.Maybe there is a misunderstanding that your not even aware of.Or an imagined slight.Talk it out and then you can at least say you gave it your best shot.If she says she doesn't like you ask her how you can keep peace in the family for everyone's comfort.

Yeah,some days are easier than others but life tends to be a challenge for a long time.. ;)

She likely does think that you are a threat. Since you've been around for lot longer than her, and they are getting married, and you're not, that she is going to take over your status in the family, because she feels inferior to you. Right now you have her spot, and she wants it!

What I'm thinking may have happened here, is because she wants to be top dog, that she may have told your bf's brother that you've snubbed her in some way, and since he's in love, he is believing this nonsense.

Also, if you do have a conversation with your boyfriend about sticking close and standing up for you, I would definitely stay away from saying things like "man up." You don't want to do that, trust me. Ask him to do it, and give him a reason to do it! Offer something that will make it worth his effort, and I don't mean offer him sex if he sticks up for you. Everyone has a currency, and you have known him for a long time, so I'm sure you can identify that currency. What I mean is stay away from the negative, and give him something positive to work with. Don't dog on him about the soon to be sis-in-law. That could easily backfire on you, and the in-law could have certain access to her "spot!" Lay off the teasing of your bf's brother for now. That won't help matters any.

I wonder if you offered to be of some help with the wedding, if she would lighten up some. Do you have any special talents like organizing, decorating, being the golpher, etc. Maybe bite your lip really hard and even throw her a wedding shower, or bachellorette party! She couldn't be nasty to you then, could she? Kill her with kindness! Like the old saying goes... "You catch more fly's with honey, than you do with vinegar."

Good luck!

I wonder if you offered to be of some help with the wedding, if she would lighten up some. Do you have any special talents like organizing, decorating, being the golpher, etc. Maybe bite your lip really hard and even throw her a wedding shower, or bachellorette party! She couldn't be nasty to you then, could she? Kill her with kindness! Like the old saying goes..."You catch more fly's with honey, than you do with vinegar."

Good luck!

That's for the advise! And since I don't hardly see them anymore, I sent them an email saying hey, I can help if you need it... I have yet to get an email back, I sent it about a month ago.

Besides, she's good on all this wedding planning stuff, she's been married before so she knows what's going down.

Well, I know we don't know the whole story, but if this is the deal, I would just steer clear of her when you can then. It sounds to me like she is very immature, and just doesn't want to work on having any sort of relationship with you at this point.

All I can say, is to be the bigger person, and don't let her engage you to the point where it jeopardizes your relationship with your boyfriend.

Some people you just can't reason with, so it's best not to even try to engage them, or worry yourself about being friends. The less you pay attention to her in this case, the less she will have to say about you.

I sure hope your boyfriend gets that having your back, and standing up to his brother and soon to be wifey, is something a man needs to do when he's in a long term relationship, with plans for the future. You need to know that he will be there for you, as long as you are acting in a way that is not threatening to his family members. If he can't respect you in this way you've got bigger problems than you think. I would also maybe think about your need to feel in charge. This could play a role too. No one in a relationship should be "in charge." A relationship should be a partnership, with both people working together.

Well, I know we don't know the whole story, but if this is the deal, I would just steer clear of her when you can then. It sounds to me like she is very immature, and just doesn't want to work on having any sort of relationship with you at this point.

All I can say, is to be the bigger person, and don't let her engage you to the point where it jeopardizes your relationship with your boyfriend.

Some people you just can't reason with, so it's best not to even try to engage them, or worry yourself about being friends. The less you pay attention to her in this case, the less she will have to say about you.

I sure hope your boyfriend gets that having your back, and standing up to his brother and soon to be wifey, is something a man needs to do when he's in a long term relationship, with plans for the future. You need to know that he will be there for you, as long as you are acting in a way that is not threatening to his family members. If he can't respect you in this way you've got bigger problems than you think. I would also maybe think about your need to feel in charge. This could play a role too. No one in a relationship should be "in charge." A relationship should be a partnership, with both people working together.



I will have to talk to him about it. I just hope it doesn't piss him off, he's been really agrivated with all of this lately. He tells me not to worry about it and that it's not his fault or mine that they are being so rude and hurtful. But it's difficult for me, don't get me wrong I'm not a big fan of her either, but at least I'm trying to get to know her and form a bond... something, anything! It will be hard to not be around her. My b/f's family all live within a mile of one another (which bothers me, don't get me wrong, I love being close to family, but I need my privacy!) and he says that when they have kids and if we have kids together, they'll spend a lot of time together (which I don't like becase for starters, their kids will be like 6 years older than ours, if we have any togehter).

I guess all I can do is try. I'm for sure going to try to hook up with her for some lunch or something so we can try to get to know one another.

Thanks again you guys. It means a lot to me that someone has finally answered my question and gave me some ideas on how to deal with this instead of just brushing me off.

We won't brush you off here. ;) Sometimes it's hard to imagine a particular situation when you don't know all of the dynamics and the in's and out's of what is going on. Most of us do our best to decipher it though. I really do hope that she realises that you aren't the enemy, and she doesn't have to be rude, and being more friendly towards you will be her best bet. This is not worth causing a family feud, and especially not a rift between you and your boyfriend. Sooner or later, she is going to have to back off and realize that it's not going to go well for her if she doesn't want to play nice. Other people in the family will start noticing this in short form, believe me. Someone will tune her in sooner or later.

Stick around and keep us updated!

Stick around and keep us updated!


I will for sure! Thanks again!

I agree with the others. Your trying so hard to be buddy buddy with her may make her feel that you are pushy, She may have 'pointed out' all 'your faults' according to her to her boyfriend also to where he is backing away, You need to accept that you can not change their minds, Back off and only bother with them when you are invited as a guest with your boyfriend or your boyfriend has them over and you are there. Try to be more laid back, reserved and only get involved when they involve you. Don't kid around with him either cause that is most likely what is really ticking her off.

Don't kid around with him either cause that is most likely what is really ticking her off.


That's really not fair, because they can still do it to my boyfriend and I couldn't care less because we make fun of one another, but I can't make fun of my bf's brother when I've been doing it for three years? I have since stopped, but its bull that she can continue to do the same things to my boyfriend when I can't joke around with his brother.

Maybe I'm just more secure in my relationship. But seriously, she picks on me when I leave her alone. Like super bowl weekend, she was so rude to me and I stayed away from her as much as possible. Its like she freakin seeks me out.

She does sound like she's a real drama queen and control freak! Have you talked to your boyfriend about this yet? Actually I may have been wrong earlier when I said not to tell him to man up, but to maybe put it differently. I just didn't want the two of you to get in a fight, since you he's a little sensitive.

What does your boyfriend do when this girl jokes around with him, and then seeks you out to cause friction? Does he ever step in and say... this is ENOUGH already?

Someone needs to talk to someone here, but I'm not sure if it should be you, if that is going to make it worse. Maybe it's time to have your boyfriend sit down with his brother and the girlfriend, and tell them both that you are there to stay, and she is not going to treat you the way she does, because you will likely be spending a lot of time with them, and you are just not going to sit back and be treated as a second class citizen. A marriage certificate is not something that automatically gives her a spot in the family. That needs to be earned, and right now she is not doing a very good job of that.

I see what you mean now that you are saying she can dish it out but can't take it. Your boyfriend needs to deal with her and stick up for you by telling her that she isn't playing fair. That she needs to follow her own rules and not kid around with him or make rude remarks toward you. He needs to tell her that she needs to give the same respect that she requires toward her and her boyfriend.
Also when you do have to be in the same room with her even though it is even though you need to guard what you say, once she opens her mouth and says something rude toward you, personally I would have a quick come back to shut her up real quick. Like she comments on how you disrespect her by kidding with her boyfriend say something like ''Double standards sure do seem to work for some people don't they!''

once she opens her mouth and says something rude toward you, personally I would have a quick come back to shut her up real quick. Like she comments on how you disrespect her by kidding with her bf say something like ''Double standards sure do seem to work for some people don't they!''
But all this does is raise the bar for nastiness and continuing bad feelings. My thinking is to not take her too seriously in your own head (you've already earned your place in the family) and just smile and go about your business. Smart mouthing back at her will only fuel the fire; not saying anything will drive her nuts. Complaining to your boyfriend will make you, not her, look bad.

But all this does is raise the bar for nastiness and continuing bad feelings. My thinking is to not take her too seriously in your own head (you've already earned your place in the family) and just smile and go about your business. Smart mouthing back at her will only fuel the fire; not saying anything will drive her nuts. Complaining to your bf will make you, not her, look bad.

If she does it right then no it does not because then the sister in law will see that she stands up for herself and doesn't take crap. If it is done right the one doing the badgering ends up having respect for them,
I am not saying for her to complain to her boyfriend I am saying discuss the problem and work together on a solution together if he is with her on this.

If she does it right then no it does not because then the sister in law will see that she stands up for herself and doesn't take crap. If it is done right the one doing the badgering ends up having respect for them,
I am not saying for her to complain to her bf I am saying discuss the problem and work together on a solution together if he is with her on this.

That was what I was trying to say also. There does come a time when being nice and smiling through it, just gives someone else the power to do as they please and walk all over you. As I said, a few thought out comebacks in certain situations, might set her in her place. I've known people like this, and the walk away, be nice, game doesn't work. The girl just ups the ante! There is a point where you have to take control of it, and say your piece.

I really wondering why the boyfriend is putting up with this from a soon to be sis-in-law, and not pulling his brother aside for a little talk?

I really wondering why the bf is putting up with this from a soon to be sis-in-law, and not pulling his brother aside for a little talk?
Yeah, I agree. He's a bit of a stinker in all of this. If he won't stick up for his girlfriend in this situation, can she depend on him at all to stand up for her in the future in any situation?

I guess what I am suggesting is she needs to maybe take some assertiveness training class or read some books on being assertive or something.

I did talk to him about it after I talked to my mom. My mom is royally pissed about this because I'm her little girl. I told my boyfriend to talk to them and that I wasn't going to take this anymore.

I would talk back to her except that he doesn't want confrentation so he asked me not to create any fiction, so when she started pulling me aside to "talk", I didn't say anything. I just took the and let her treat me like a 5 year old. I told my boyfriend that I'm not going to take this anymore. I'm not the kind of person to just let people run over me, but I've been doing it for the past year to keep my boyfriend happy.

He has yet to talk to them, but we shall see what happens. I saw her today and she was nothing but rude to me. And they only came to dinner for food and they left because they had to "work on their house". It was for a special occasion, the least they could've done was stayed longer than 15 min after the meal.

And! She's completely taking over my boyfriend brother's life. We are a somewhat group of religious people and we do go to church. I think that she is messing with his faith because she is not the churchy type. His mom and aunt are both worried about this for the sake of their grand-babies.

I will keep you all posted on what unravels... things are looking grim.

I think she views your teasing as flirting. She doesn't like other girls flirting with her fiancé. Also consider what your relationship is with your boyfriend - do you get along well, or do you have an argumentative relationship? If it's argumentative, people will eventually take sides.

Tease your own boyfriend in a friendly way instead of his brother. He's putting distance between you because he has noticed his girlfriend's insecurity about you. Try less to warm up to them. Some people feel that when someone's trying too hard to create good feelings, it's not real. Just relax and let things happen on their own.

I can see her not wanting you to tease because that is taken as flirting no matter how you mean it but it also seems like a power control thing because of how she treats you anyway and the fact that she teases your boyfriend.
You need to find someway to put her in her place somehow. I would discuss with your boyfriend about possibly not inviting them over any more due to her behavior.

OK here's the deal. She still doesn't like me for things that took place 6 MONTHS AGO. I have chenged my behavior just like she asked and she is still holding a grudge. SO! I called her up and asked her out to lunch because this is insane. She doesn't know a whole lot about me and why I am the way that I am and I know nothing about her. This will be a good opportunity to get to know one another and to clear some things up because I'm sick of this. SHE IS 31 YEARS OLD! Why does she give a crap about a 19 year old? Why does she care? Seriously?

I'll keep you all posted!

Good luck! I hope she cools her jets, and the two of you can work something out so you can at least co-exist without all of the drama and tension! If she doesn't come around, well at least you know that you did your part and tried to make peace.

Meeting her for lunch is a very mature effort on your part. I wouldn't make it into the Mideast Peace Accord meeting though. Just thank her for coming, let her know you've wanted to put difficult times behind the two of you and become closer friends, and then ask about her wedding plans... be enthusiastic and supportive even if you think it's the tackiest, worst planned wedding you've ever heard of.

Let her experience the improved you, don't try to convince her of it.

Yeah, that's what my boyfriend says. All you can really do is try. And I just recently found out that my bf's parents believe that she is being really imature, so I guess I'm not as crazy as I thought.

Thanks for all the help, I'll let you know how lunch goes!

Great if it works. You say SHE IS 31 YEARS OLD! Why does she give a crap about a 19 year old? Why does she care? Seriously?
It doesn't sound like she does care. You are the one concerned. Maybe she likes seeing that it bothers you so much. Maybe because she thinks that she is so much older and been in the family longer and sees you as maybe ''wet behind the ears'' or something.
Anyway, I wouldn't be too concerned, I am almost 54 and my mother and sister (in fact nobody) really has any idea of who I am and I couldn't care less about impressing them or trying to get them to know me better.
I rarely see my sister and every time I do all she does is make smart remarks about who she thinks I am. Like when my kids were little she thought all I did all day was lay on the sofa, watching soap operas and eating bon-bons and drinking soda. I don't even eat bon-bons and I don't even watch TV. She has no idea of who I am, my interests, my knowledge on anything or anything. NO skin off my nose!!

I care because this is a close family and the least she could do is treat me with respect.
Also, I have been in the family 2 years longer than she has.
And if I could just ignore her, I would, but like I said, close family. When I'm around her I would like to be able to be myself and talk to her without being looked upon as a piece of .

Well have the talk with her when you go out and see what she says and how she treats you. Maybe if we know how she is when you go out might help us to figure out a better strategy for dealing with her, With my sister I give her remarks back that shut her up cause I see she is all about her and her work and her family and nothing else.

Lunch went really well. We talked for maybe 4 hours and only an hour and a half was spent on this issue. And it really is not an issue at all. Everything on both ends was blown out of proportion by my bf's parents. They were really fueling the feud between us because they like to meddle in our business for whatever reason. There were only half truths and twisted words being thrown all over the place. The both of us said that we wished we had talked about it sooner so we didn't have to live a year and a half like this.

Thanks to all your advice! Things seem to look like they will work out for the better!

I'm happy you got everything sorted out. Unfortunately things like this happen all of the time. One person hears one thing, tells another person, that tells another person, about something that might have been said. It get lost in translation as it runs through the pipeline, and everything gets blown out of proportion in the end. Someone is always at the bad end of the stick when all is said and done.

I would however, be very careful with the things you say to her. You obviously talked about many things in the four hour conversation. Don't be so quick to think that she may now be your buddy, and in your corner. I've seen this happen many times, only to have it blow up in your face, leaving you left behind looking like the bad guy. So just watch what you say to her.

I'm sure you came home and told your boyfriend, just as she likely told hers. Sometimes people will keep personal info in their arsenel of things to pull out if needed. I would stay away from talking to her in a negative manner about the parents, no matter how meddling they may be. It's not a wise choice to form an alliance with her, when it comes to in-laws.

Good luck! :)

It was actually her that mentioned the fact that the parents were a big part of the problem.

As for right now, the four of us are just going to work on building a relationship together because we haven't really done it and spent most of our time against one another. That's the main focus right now, just work together and see where the path leads the four of us!

I'm really happy that you can finally relax and that the four of you can spend time together, without all of the tension.

I wasn't trying to put a damper on the situation, I was only playing devil's advocate.

All the best to you, and I hope all goes smoothly now.