My girlfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I am on a football team in which practice is 6 hours a day and during this past fall we saw each other about once a week and I was rarely in good moods. We won the championship in early December and I grew a big ego. I started thinking I was awesome and that I didn't need to be an amazing boyfriend after a tough few months. We had complications over winter break and we had gotten in a fight at a party over the break. Later that night I proceeded to get really drunk and make out with some girl from another town I called over to the party after I left. I didn't really remember what happened but I knew I hung out with another girl and I felt it wasn't right and I needed to make it better. I tried but a couple days into it she felt she just needed time and space to be by her own and find out what she loves and all of that stuff. That is true this time unlike other people who have gfs or bfs who do that. She is not one to drink or hook up with random guys. None of that kind of stuff is going on. However, a week into this she was informed by the girl I had kissed that we had done such. I denied saying I was drunk and didn't remember but knew we had hung out. She now feels she can never trust me again, and needs even more time. She is hanging out with new people and doing new things now. I know she loves me so dearly. But she doesn't feel it can work out for a while now. I am giving her space but I can't get my mind off her all day long. She is a perfect girl that never deserved any of this. Also, 2 years back in the relationship we had broken up and I had hooked up with some girl for a couple weeks and we had gotten back together. She feels that whenever times get rough I am going to do something like that. What do I do? I would never say a mean word to her again, let alone hurt her with another girl.

For starters, quit thinking with your small head, and think with the big one... of course I mean the one on your shoulders.

Give her space. Your ego has clearly ruined the relationship for now, and that may, or may not, ever change. The good thing is that you seem to realize the error of your ways. The bad thing is, it may be too late. You reap what you sow...

Leave her alone, and for God's sake, DO NOT hook up with another random chick while you two are sorting things out. You take pride in validating yourself with other women... that isn't mature at all, and you know it.

Actions speak louder than words, and right now, she needs to know you respect her, as you haven't in the past. Give her what she asked for, and always be first class. Show her you can be a good guy, without getting drunk and hooking up. P.S. Alcohol is NOT an excuse...

thanks for the quick response.. it has been a month and a half since the break up. I am an anxious and also competitive person. The only thing I do is feel I lost the most amazing girl and it's my fault. I haven't been able to get it out of my head for 50 days straight. My feelings are not just break up feelings where one says their x is so perfect. This girl really is remarkably beautiful and an amazing girlfriend. She feels she doesn't want anyone in her life right now that could possibly hurt her. She also feels I had mistreated her at times in the past but I was really going through a grueling football season. How do I show maturity without expressing my feeleings and pushing her away?

How do i show maturity without expressing my feeleings and pushing her away?

By acting like a mature young man... let your actions speak for themselves...

From a girl's perspective, this same thing happened with me and my ex. He did the same thing. He was also a big jock while he was in school and girls were always into him. We were together for years, he cheated on me and I, like your girlfriend stepped away.

Here's where things may differ and this is how it affected me (so you can see it from the girl's point of view)

He BEGGED ME BACK and cried at my window. He wrote me letters, he showered me with romance and I took him back after awhile. Keep in mind, he SWORE he would never do it again and I believe at the time he meant it.

We moved to Colorado together and what do you think happened? Well relationships have their lulls and trials and let me just say when things got hard his ego got in the way again and this became a revolving cycle. People ALWAYS become attracted when the other person pulls away. For some odd reason, human nature leads you to the person that pulls back. She is pulling back right now and you now want something you may not be able to have. This is HUGE and it will remain huge for your entire life. This is where you have to learn to love what you HAVE and what is not pulling away but is right next to you. That is when things seem boring but that is when you need to keep what you have.

So your girlfriend needs space and it's driving you nuts. I agree that it is maturity that will get her back because she wants to know it would never happen again. If you guys do get back together though the road will be that much tougher. She won't trust you, you guys will argue over it, you will want her to get over it, but the truth is... you need to GET her over it. She should be allowed to bring it up as many times as she needs and you need to be mature and get her through it and be by her side when she's right next to you. It's inevitable, you will always want what pulls away - and so will she. If you pull away she will want you more.. It's a stupid game that doesn't get anybody anywhere. To avoid all of this drama just be mature and if you ever get her back - treat her right.

Leave her alone, and work on your own selfish, ego-driven, drunken bad behavior.

Your paying the consequences of your actions and deserve no consideration from her at all until you have completely changed and gotten your act together. Spare her the drama and give her what she asked for.

Good Luck with that.

Annica your response helped a lot.. I did the begging and the pleading, I left flowers and notes and candy on her car before school let out and showed up at her work with love letters and said every thing that you would never expect out of an all-state, state champion football captain. She is enjoying her new friends now. She told me to stop with the begging and pleading. She has also told my closest friend who oathed to her not to tell me a word that she still loves me just does not want anyone in her life that is able to hurt her. I now feel I am acting different and am not the fun, funny, upbeat person I always was. I feel I am being more relaxed and boring to try to be mature. At a month and a half gone are feelings lost? How do I know? She also informed my friend she can't picture herself even kissing another guy for months to come, and neither can I. What kind of steps do I take? She really is an amazing girl and I will spend the rest of my life with her unquestionably even being at the age of 17. She is that special. I'd really appreciate if you commented back! Thanks

This is just my opinion, so please don't get mad at about it.

Stop contacting her. You can't trust her, she can't trust you... There's no possibility of a normal relationship.

I can trust her with anything in the world. And up until I acted like a drunken idiot so could she. We both love each other so much, but you feel no chance of being normal?

I've been in relationships where there were breaks, and that's exactly what it is... A BREAK... If you get back together those things will always weigh heavy on both of your minds.

She won't ever be able to trust you the same.

So even though she may be able to trust me almost 100%, it's not worth it because it will never be up to that level?

She is playing head games with you. So go out with your friends and find the opportunity to meet new people. I've been in this situation before. And I've learned from it. If you two went several weeks without being "official", then it's time to move on. Life is short. And there's a lot of stuff waiting for you out in this world. Trust me. I know what it's like. One of my ex girlfriends had done the same thing to me. I said screw it and went on with life. I am now with another girl and we eventually got our own place and things are great. The same thing can happen with you. It'll be hard at first but, you'll live.

So even though she may be able to trust me almost 100%, it's not worth it because it will never be up to that level?

I'm not her... but when I was cheated on, there was no chance of trust being back up to 100%, not even up to 50% so I ended it.

She's an amazing girl and I really don't see myself with another girl ever, and I'm not in the stage right now where you can only see your ex as the most perfect human in the world and that she is god's gift to this earth. So I just forget about it? She's really special to me, first love.

Heal and move on, as she won't be your last. Did you learn anything from this experience???

It's hard to heal when she still lingers and calls me. I don't want to tell her NC completely because I don't want her out of my life and I would still do anything for her back. I answer when I want but she is what I want. I'm starting to feel better. But I have learned a lot from this - a lot about me, a lot about what I want in a girl, what kind of person I want to be.

Do you want to be with someone that toys with your heart, feelings, emotions and trust? Or do you want to be in a loyal, monogamous, committed relationship. This is the choice that you have to make.

it's hard to heal when she still lingers and calls me. I don't want to tell her NC completely because I don't want her out of my life and I would still do anything for her back. I answer when i want but she is what i want. I'm starting to feel better. But i have learned alot from this - alot about me, alot about what i want in a girl, what kind of person i want to be.

The only time I ever learn anything is if I truly let go of something, otherwise, you are still guided by your emotional attachment for this girl. You THINK you have learned things, and that may be the case, but until you truly let her go, you will NEVER change anything. I tend to believe that... maybe some other people won't. Just my opinion.

Threads merged, any other on this subject will be deleted. If you want more feedback, then you need more input on this thread!!

Give her what she wants. She asked you for space so give it to her. Maybe she'll come around after some time alone. My guess she won't because you've burned your bridge. That being said, you can never get her back by begging, and you can never get her back by not following what she's asked of you.

I have written my story before and want to give an update to seek further advice. Okay, to start, I am absolutely in love with an absolutely amazing girl, anyone in the world who knows her would agree. We had been dating for close to 3 years. I am currently 17 and we started dating when I was a freshman in high school at 14. I am currently a senior.


We had small breakups in the past and one where I had hooked up with another girl a number of times and I was very honest about everything but then went right back out with her. She was hurt by that because it was a girl she had kind of had suspicions about and it seemed as though I had broken up just to hook up with that girl. I cut all ties with that other girl and we continued to date for a year and a half beyond that and were absolutely in love. She was always the one to be more in love lets say and no one ever thought I would be the one depressed in the end. She didn't feel neglected or not loved, I was a great boyfriend don't get me wrong.


We have grown up together and have really molded and shaped each other into everything we want and need. We both saw each other going to separate colleges living our own lives but staying together because that is much we care. We currently attend different high schools so we didn't see that as an obstacle. My family and even my extended family loved her, her family and extended family loved me. I am pretty successful for what I can be at 17. Im attending either Villanova University or Clemson next year, I am a 2 sport captain, all state football player, blah blah blah. Im very proud of myself but she was there to share and capture all of that with me which made it much more special. I have a small group of people who I am very close with. I don't like fakes or people who don't truly care. She is different, we are different and that's what we loved. We always told each other how great it was to be different. We LAUGHED together at friends who needed to cheat, who couldn't hold a relationship, who fought everyday with their gf's/bf's. I honestly thought I would marry my high school sweat heart whom I had met through a freshman basketball game when she was the scorekeeper for the other team and thought I was "scary and intimidating" at first glance haha. I was not worried about only having sex with one girl in my life, and not being with another person ever. She was pretty content with all of this as well I'm pretty sure. I'm sure many people feel this way with first true loves, but I thought I was different.


This all seems great and marry until I got cocky. The month of December was the demise. I played football and football season is rough. Long practices, always tired. Football is humongous in my school and we won a state championship for the first time in 10 years.I'm a nice person but I had a short fuse during these 4 months, especially being my 4th straight year of this grueling varsity football season. I had sometimes been a jerk and she is very sensitive and took it to heart, but I was ready to make it up to her during the winter. I had begun to talk to other girls via text and internet sometimes. Our relationship was going downhill, she was curious what was happening and so was I. Christmas break came and I was still celebrating with my friends at parties and such. Christmas came and we celebrated for a couple hours at my house with my family, exchanged gifts, and hoped to make everything better. I made jerk move #1 that night. The night was winding down and she had to go home kind of soon. I asked her to go home a little early and bring me to a party. She will do anything for me but was kind of hoping I would take this request back but didn't say anything. She called me 2 hours after dropping me off upset, saying it's christmas and I couldn't even spend a whole night with her and had to go party. I felt ty but I was being selfish and kind of ignored it. My parents were then not home for the night and she was over. We had sex and she planned an amazing night to lay there and play our favorite board game in my big bed and watch a movie on my TV and fall asleep in each others arms and start getting back to where we were. I threw a party with 30 of my friends and 10 minutes after sex people started coming over because they knew no one was home. She had wanted me to say no the party everyone out and be with her. She doesn't like the girls too much in my group of friends so she wanted to just go home. She was very upset with me for the second time in a short period and was very upset with me and called me when she got home and thought it was rude of me and I needed to change or else. She then went to NYC with her family for a night and called me and said hey baby! We need to go to the city soon together and go out to dinner during our break! And I told her "maybe, we'll see, idk about that." She then came to a party I was at with a few friends a couple nights later and told me that she really wasn't sure about us anymore and we might be done. I thought this was for real and I was freaking out. I wanted to feel comfort and act on this possible freedom. I called over a girl I had been texting later on in the night at this party. I was really drunk and I made out with this girl in her car. It wasn't too long maybe a minute or two. I woke up the next morning and said no, that's retarded, that is not what I want. I should have told her the next that but I pretended to act as though I knew of nothing by claiming I was too drunk and was going to pretend nothing ever happened and never talk to that girl again.

My girlfriend then called for a break about a week later because she needed the famous time and space we talk about on here a lot. She found about me hanging out with that girl through someone else and I denied anything happened but admitted to seeing her. She then contacted the girl and found out the truth. She was so hurt and kind of still felt hurt from the other girl that I hooked up with when I dumped her a year and a half ago.
It is almost 8 weeks into all the time and space. The first week was prior to her finding out, the next few were the begging stage and then the past 5 weeks have been trying to heal but hanging on time. She hangs out with a new group of friends and feels as though she is in a great place now. We don't talk too often. I went NC for a week or more but I let her call me now and I answer when I want. I never call her though. My friends will talk to her and she'll talk to them sometimes and she believes I don't know of this. She tells them of how much she loves me, misses me, but just can't do it now. There is no guy in her life and she wants to jump back in to my arms everyday but can't. She sees no point to get back with me now that I did that because she doesn't know that I would never hurt her again. Regardless of the circumstance a cheat is a cheat. She can't see past it. She is pretty close to a perfect girl, and she can't see past this imperfection. I always made everything perfect for her and she can't handle this. She has rethought everything we believed in together about us, she probably wants to go to college single now. She loves me to the moooon and back, what's the problem? She told one of my friends she could maybe slowly work back into things with me. There are no magic words to change her mind or fix what I did, and I know that. But why does this stuff happen? We were so perfect for each other, and when she hears that she says now we know we weren't. She hasn't said that to me but told it to one of my friends. Do I even bother going out with her as just "nothing" and seeing her and trying to rekindle it? Because I believe it's worth it. We've met for lunch one time early in the break up, other than that she hasn't seen me. We haven't spoken about "us" kind of stuff in over a month. She's special, is it 100% damaged because of a 1 minute kiss? How do I go about this.


I know I'm young and the probable response will be "you're 17 there are plenty of girls out there, you're going to college don't worry, if she loves you she'll come back, if it's meant to be it's meant to be.. blah blah" However I along with many others feel that there really isn't someone else. And yes I feel I am that special case that really did find that perfect girl for them and no one will be better. But sometimes that really is the case, it has to be. I'm not scared I won't find love out there again, but I would really like to love her because I'm pretty confident I might not find one better than her. I'm not ready to just say screw the relationship. Help me.

I know how you feel, because I thought I found that "perfect someone" too. We talked on and off for a while and he is the only guy I want to be with. He told me he wants to be with me forever, but he's with someone else.

It sucks, I know where you are coming from. That "1 minute" thing may seem small to u, but to her it may seem bigger. I thought when I just stopped talking to this guy for another, it would be all good, it wasn't.

All I can tell you is if it is meant to be, it will turn out fine in the long run. She really just needs time and space to think, because she obviously loves you and wants to be with you, but she has to have her future in mind too, and she has to wonder if you are ever going to hurt her again.

I wouldn't say "go out and find someone else czuz there are other fish in the sea"
Because you know what you want, and if its what God intended, it will all fall into place.

Wow your's made me almost cry. That is said. Is your name jeremy? I hope everything works out,but if it is meant to be then she will come around. But if it isn't then she will want you to move on.

The first thing you have to do is back off from her completely. When friends tell you things she said, I wouldn't believe them. She probably tells her friends things they want to hear, because the truth is she's involved in some drama and she's the focal point. When people ask her about you, it makes her feel powerful and she's happy to say whatever makes her look in a positive light. You are just getting those messages returned.

I never want to see someone else, she's an absolutely amazing person. I'm going to see her soon and talk to her after we go out somewhere and pretty much summarize everything I just said on here. Then I'm going to tell her that not everything is perfect and if she loves me she'll have to accept this imperfection. If she says can't and never will I am going to cut all ties and never speak to her again and if she loves me she will come around but I am not going to dwell on it. Good idea?

It seems to me that you are in no position of power here - she holds all the cards. For you to make an ultimatum like that would prove quite unproductive in my opinion and would only force her away from you further.

You are so young right now, and by the looks of it you have quite a few things going for you. You have *so* much life ahead of you right now to be hung up on one girl. You will be experiencing some huge emotional growth and changing so much in the next 8 years or so. Trust me, I know. If I compared how I was when I was 17 to when I was 25, I was a COMPLETELY different person.

I know you're feeling that she's the absolutely most perfect girl in the world. Many of us have felt that way about our ex's. Ask any one of them, they'll tell you the same thing you're telling us right now. "But my situation is different/special." "I'll never find anyone like her, ever." "Our love was the truest love." Heard them all before in various iterations. You may not believe it now, but there are bigger and better fish out there.

Chuff is absolutely right, back off completely. Although YOU may not be ready to give up this relationship - you MUST realize that it takes both people to make it happen.

Hey that's a good idea. Is your name jeremy?

Jman you are young relationships are new to you. You have invested 3 years with one person and that is the only thing you have to draw from. You love her, and I don't doubt it for one second. So I mean this with the absolute best of intentions, but you have absolutely no idea what the hell you are doing.

Women want a man to be powerful, strong, and confident. What you are doing is the exact opposite.


i never want to see someone else,

You know I was once in your spot, I had been in a 3 year relationship and I didn't want anyone else either. But as time wore on, and I look back I realize even though she dropped me, when she came back I didn't want her.

Now, maybe you if and when she comes back (and I'm not saying she will) you will want her. But what you are doing will never get you there.

If you tell her those words, "I never want to see someone else, do you know what she is going to do? She's going to tell you, "that's so sweet, and I feel the same way, but right now I just want to figure out some things but when I'm ready I'll be thrilled to know you stood by me this entire time." It may not be those exact words, but it will be something similar, because the girl you love, the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with is playing you and you don't even realize it. She will tell you something to give you a false hope, but she will never follow through. Why should she? As UnluckyDucky stated, she holds the cards. It's her game now, and you are following not leading.

How, you ask can you lead? Don't play the game. Leave her, leave the situation. Begging her isn't going to help you, in fact it will only put you further back. Show her you are stronger then her by not being available. Show her through silence that you are strong.


she's an absolutely amazing person.

Perhaps. But she acts like every other woman does during a break up. So with that in mind, she's not all the amazing. In fact her game is quite elementary, but then again she's a beginner at this to.


i'm going to see her soon

Why?


and talk to her after we go out somewhere and pretty much summarize everything i just said on here.

God WHY?

Again, and I mean this kindly. You have absolutely no clue what you are doing. Trust me, I wish I had me telling this stuff after my break ups when I was younger. She already has power over you, now you are going to give her more, and beg? Not going to work. A woman has to have something to draw her into you. You have nothing at this point and the 1 card you have left is that of silence. Only when you go silient and give her time to miss you, will you learn if she is coming back. Because right now, she never is.


then im going to tell her that not everything is perfect and if she loves me she'll have to accept this imperfection.

Let me get this straight. Your ex is not really interested in you, you are interested in her, she has all the power, you have none, she is moving on, you have not, and you are going to tell her that she has to accept this imperfection?

YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING!!

You see, it is this very attitude that is killing you. You want her, but instead of working on your own issues, you are going to force her to accept your love? Who the F-ing hell are you?

Dude, I'm a guy, and I see this do you know what a girl, more in touch with emotions is going to see?


if she says can't and never will i am going to cut all ties and never speak to her again and if she loves me she will come around but i am not going to dwell on it. Good idea?

I can't believe you went from the above sentence to this one. I'm going to cut all ties and never speak to her again but if she loves me she will come around. I really hope this just the confusion of the moment, but if you think you are punishing her by not talking to her, the one being punished here is you. She's already moved on.

Love doesn't "come around." Love is earned, and you are not earning it. Please understand this, because I'm not trying to attack you even though it sounds that way, but you are coming off like a bully who got his a$$ kicked and is now making excuses for the fight. Maybe that has worked for you up until now, but let me tell you, your girl is becoming a woman. Boys that bully their way into a relationship with a girl may be all the rage in high school, but in the real world, a man like me would eat you for lunch while your woman cooks me dinner. Your girl has seen enough of the high school act. She's getting older, and she is starting to realize there are real men available who don't whine and pout, then turn around and beg for scraps when they don't get there way. You are not one of those men.
That being said, you need to work on some these issues. You need to set up some guidelines for yourself. What will you put up with, what will you stand for, what will do to make yourself a more complete person. When you do those things, and when you improve on those things with in yourself, then YOU will have love come around, and it will be easier then you make it out to be.

You have been Chuffed.

Agreed, you contradicted yourself by saying that you were going to cut all ties, but if she loves you, she'll come around. If you cut all ties with her, my bet is she won't be coming around.

No, my name isn't jeremy. But.. I feel I need closure and a final decision.

If given an I don't know, I don't think so, or an I can't, I'm going to 100% cut all ties, forever. If she says we can slowly work back into things, I'm ready to do it.

Why is that so terrible of an idea?

If u say you are going to cut all ties, then don't do anything different.

If u are going to work into things again, then do it.

Closure usually isn't given, it is accepted. You need to accept that this is over, pick your pride up, and start rebuilding what little self confidence you have. Most break ups (especially long term relationships) do not come with the "closure" that you seek. You need to create your own closure, and not worry about her doing it for you. Time to be a man...

Unfortunately I fear that we all could sit here and preach until we turn blue, and you still wouldn't listen to us... which is understandable. Been there before. Sometimes, we just have to learn the hard way.

Because if you are going to cut all ties to her then why go back into it with her and OK srry about the name OK.

Okay, I have read the whole story, then re-read it. I agree it's very touching, but come on since when did we forgive cheaters on here! I'm not taking his side at all, he hurt his "perfect woman" and last time I checked he made the choice to hook up with this other girl, who he had been texting longer and invited her to a party and then to his car and then proceeded to make out. Then was going to use the excuse that he was too drunk and wasn't going to tell his girlfriend about it. Then when confronted, he lied about it until she found out the truth from someone else. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. But he broke this girls heart, she was true to him(from what he implied) he was not, on two separate occasions and now wants her back. Damn right she should erase you from her life, she was there for you and you do this to her? You don't deserve closure, your closure was kissing another girl, lying about it and then thinking she should take you back.

Okay, I have read the whole story, then re-read it. I agree it's very touching, but come on since when did we forgive cheaters on here!? I'm not taking his side at all, he hurt his "perfect woman" and last time I checked he made the choice to hook up with this other girl, who he had been texting longer and invited her to a party and then to his car and then proceeded to make out. Then was going to use the excuse that he was too drunk and wasn't going to tell his girlfriend about it. Then when confronted, he lied about it until she found out the truth from someone else. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. But he broke this girls heart, she was true to him(from what he implied) he was not, on two separate occasions and now wants her back. Damn right she should erase you from her life, she was there for you and you do this to her? You don't deserve closure, your closure was kissing another girl, lying about it and then thinking she should take you back.

I had to spread it before I could rep you. I agree with you, and he has this sort of attitude, that "she'd be wise to take my love or I will punish her by not talking to her." This why he doesn't get it. Being a bully in relationships in high school might work, but he's entering a whole new world and his attitude problem won't let him see it.

Exactly Chuff, I just read it and got the impression that he is all high and mighty. The line about it being a one minute kiss, who cares how long the infidelity lasted, the problem is that it occurred in the first place.

He's like a kid who plays by the rule, "I can do what I want, and you better like it or I won't let you play" Then when she actually doesn't play he gets mad at her and says "okay you play but you still have to play by my rules" and she's like "No, I just won't play" and he get's upset because he realizes she can go play with other people.

I completely understand what you both are saying. And if that is the case then I will be able to live with that. But I haven't those type of words come out of her mouth. I am hanging on to hope from the feelings she still has of love and desire to come right back to me. I would really like to hear that she can never forgive me for this. And following that by me not talking to her I'm not trying to punish her at all. I'm trying to better myself and get her out of my life so I can heal for real now.

Reading that again, you guys were just brutally honest, and it kind of hurts. This is my first real relationship and first love. I don't really know exactly how to be the best boyfriend but I do know I love her more than anything and I hurt her badly. I am willing to do anything I can to have her again, and will be the best I can be. I'm young and inexperienced with this stuff, you think she should just 100% leave me and never talk to me again?

reading that again, you guys were just brutally honest, and it kind of hurts. This is my first real relationship and first love. I don't really know exactly how to be the best boyfriend but i do know i love her more than anything and i hurt her badly. I am willing to do anything i can to have her again, and will be the best i can be. I"m young and inexperienced with this stuff, you think she should just 100% leave me and never talk to me again?

I don't really think it matters what she does, and hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. You need to focus on fixing your issues, and NOTHING has changed with you in such a short time span. Things happen for a reason, and experience in life is everything... you have to screw up to learn how to be good at things, it just happens that way. I would think she is gone, totally out of your life, and you know what?? It isn't the end of the world, it happened, and most likely will happen again. Life sometimes sucks, nothing you can do about it but learn, pick yourself up, and quit beating a dead horse!

You don't just start being a good boyfriend. It is all relative to the people you date, to be honest. Learning how to adapt, how to make yourself better, and how to accept things for what they are... well that is just key. You now know what it is you need to work on... so get to work!!

reading that again, you guys were just brutally honest, and it kind of hurts.


Brutally honest yes, because we want you to see what is going on here. Look, we could lie to you and you could make the same mistakes over and over, and to be honest with you that's what my friends always did to me, because they never wanted to hurt my feelings. Well, I'd rather my feelings be hurt now if it meant a better future and understanding and that is what I think we are trying to drill into your head.



This is my first real relationship and first love.

Nothing wrong with that, it was hers to. But you have to understand the dynamics of a relationship, which you don't, and that is what we are trying to explain to you.


I don't really know exactly how to be the best boyfriend but i do know i love her more than anything and i hurt her badly.

You may not know how to be the best boyfriend, but come on, the stuff with the other girls is not rocket science. That being said you are at least honest about, which to me still counts for something.


I am willing to do anything i can to have her again, and will be the best i can be.

Then you have to do exactly what your mind tells you shouldn't. You have to pull away from her and focus on your own life. Because the only relationship you will ever have that will last is the one with yourself. Right now you are so focused on her, that you have made yourself secondary which in turn has allowed her this power over you, which in turn is driving you nuts, which in turn is depressing you even more. It's a never ending cycle.

What she did was get off the downward path and distanced herself from you, and now I'm suggesting you give yourself permission to get off the downward spiral for your own good... not hers (in this circumstance it is OK to be selfish) and distance yourself from her. Only then will you be able to put some focus into your life and move forward with a clear head.


I"m young and inexperienced with this stuff, you think she should just 100% leave me and never talk to me again?

This is what I mean. I think you shouldn't worry about her right now. It is easier said then done, but worrying about her next move does your mental and emotional state no good. Your next move should be about your own next move, which is not bullying her, but bringing yourself back up. Be honest with yourself, if you were her, would you date you? Of course not, your not in a place where you can think straight, and she knows it. So back off for now and see where it takes you, with you.

You have been given some really great suggestions, so its up to you if you want to do the right thing and leave her alone and get your own act together. Women are not like dogs, you can kick 'em around, and expect they are going to stick around, and eat your crap. You had your chance, you blew it!!

No need to start another post about this, just update this one.

Thanks for the advice from everyone. I was planning on meeting her and talking with her but she kept having excuses to why she couldn't hang out. I then delivered all of her things that I had in my room back to her house and told her to check on top of her car. I wrote her a note and she told me that was a drastic move because she actually did want to see me but was really busy the past week.

We planned to see each other tomorrow and we talked today about what we were going to do and I told her I really wanted to talk about things and she just wanted to go as friends. That is bull sh**. She said we didn't need to talk in person because I know how she feels. I told her that I needed her to look me in the eyes and tell me that we are over, for good. She told me that if that's what I wanted she could have told me that when I dropped off her things. I told her then that she was out of my life and that I can't talk to her, deleting her on aim,Facebook,etc. I then told her I loved her and goodbye.

She called me back about 20 minutes later, definitely upset. She says I'm being immature and just like what I said, it's been 3 years and why would we throw that away, we should be able to talk because she had wanted time anyway before she knew about the cheat. She told me she didn't want to go to college in virignia (roanoke college) not knowing exactly who she is and not knowing she can stand alone on her 2 feet. I told her I completely respected that and had at the time she wanted that space. However, I still love her and I can't hear about all of her new friends and see pictures of parties at her house of her having fun while she doesn't want anything with me. I told her if she was still "in love" and wanted to go out on dates here and there it'd be different because maybe that is what I would have wanted too. But it isn't that way and she claims she isn't "in love" with me anymore. She told her that I was being mean by saying I hated her and calling her a . I reassured her that I never said she was a and didn't feel that way, nor did I hate her. I told her she is the nicest girl I know, and I feel nothing but love towards her. She made her move to better herself and I let her know now I'm making mine since she can't be with me. I then told her goodbye again.

I feel I made the right move, and now I can start to move forward. After doing all of that I feel great. But when I'm on this site listening to music fit for my mood, I feel I can do anything. How do I keep this vibe that I'm a great person and I don't need her? (which are both probably very true.)

OK wow time for a bit of sensitivity for you. First of all, you messed up bad, but people have grilled you for that already so ill move on to REAL advice because that's what this site is here for.
From the sounds of it you love her, but time to step up and prove it to her. Tell her how you feel, you can start with what you've been saying here ("shes perfect... shes amazing... I love her... etc).
Then if you get the chance, never break her trust again and that means you should cut the drinking and partying and hanging with girls stuff for a while to prove yourself. Tell her your plans and always be honest.
Tell her how you messed up and take 100% responsibility for this. Tell her you won't party or w/e and tell her you'd do anything for her BUT ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT.
Then say a prayer and hope for the best.
If it doesn't work out and she won't come back then sadly you know why and LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.
I hope it'll go well for you, yeah you messed up but if you two really love each other then maybe you'll get a second chance...

thanks for the advice from everyone. i was planning on meeting her and talking with her but she kept having excuses to why she couldn't hang out. I then delivered all of her things that i had in my room back to her house and told her to check on top of her car. I wrote her a note and she told me that was a drastic move because she actually did want to see me but was really busy the past week.

Jman guess what? After all my previous posts guess what I'm going to say. Ready for it? You are 100% in the right on this action. Your ex is purposely trying to get you to hang on. She's telling you, you'll she'll do something, but then making excuses. In the relationship game... and this is a game to her, you her actions have to match her words. When they don't then just walk away like you did. You were classy about by returning her things. She wanted a break, so you did the right thing by giving her things back. By holding onto them, she knows she has given you something to think about her, and she knows she can use it as an excuse for either saying she never intended to end things (oh and look, she did use that excuse) or a reason to call you should you start to drift away. Giving them back was more then returning them, it was a singal to her that you are not playing this game.


We planned to see each other tomorrow and we talked today about what we were going to do and i told her i really wanted to talk about things and she just wanted to go as friends. That is bull sh**. She said we didn't need to talk in person because I know how she feels.

I agree with her. Look, you are way to emotional, and she's in control. You need to be casual, funny, relaxed, and at in control. She's moved in a different direction, and what you are doing it dragging her down because it comes off like begging.


I told her that i needed her to look me in the eyes and tell me that we are over, for good. She told me that if that's what i wanted she could have told me that when i dropped off her things.

I know you are emotional. But this is to emotional and emotions are the woman's territory. You have to be strong. Right now the roles are flipped.




I told her then that she was out of my life and that I can't talk to her, deleting her on aim,facebook,etc. I then told her i loved her and goodbye.

Again, I know you are emotional, and I even understand your reasoning, but telling her you love her, but you won't talk to her are behaviors that do not go together. Furthermore, you don't have to tell her you are doing anything. Just do it. Speak with actions, not words.


She called me back about 20 minutes later, definitely upset.

Acting upset. She wanted the break. You followed through and gave it to her. When you took control and were strong (with some weakness about that emotional stuff) she came to you. She still wouldn't commit because she knows she can keep you guessing and jumping.



She says i'm being immature

She's lying. Mostly. You were the mature one here. You returned her stuff. That's classy, not immature.

The deleting stuff and never talking to again was immature.


and just like what i said, it's been 3 years and why would we throw that away,

She threw away last time. Her reasons might have been valid, but then why continue to string you along?


we should be able to talk because she had wanted time anyways before she knew about the cheat. She told me she didn't want to go to college in virignia (roanoke college) not knowing exactly who she is and not knowing she can stand alone on her 2 feet. I told her I completely respected that and had at the time she wanted that space. However, i still love her and i can't hear about all of her new friends and see pictures of parties at her house of her having fun while she doesn't want anything with me. I told her if she was still "in love" and wanted to go out on dates here and there it'd be different because maybe that is what i would have wanted too. But it isn't that way and she claims she isn't "in love" with me anymore.

Okay. There you have it. Back away.


She told her that i was being mean by saying i hated her and calling her a . I reassured her that i never said she was a and didn't feel that way, nor did i hate her. I told her she is the nicest girl i know, and i feel nothing but love towards her. She made her move to better herself and i let her know now i'm making mine since she can't be with me. I then told her goodbye again.

Classy and in control. This was good.


I feel I made the right move, and now i can start to move foward. After doing all of that I feel great. But when i'm on this site listening to music fit for my mood, i feel i can do anything. How do i keep this vibe that i'm a great person and i don't need her? (which are both probably very true.)

First let me say that I feel you made the right move too. I would have left the emotional stuff out... but that's easier for me to say then for you to practice in the situation, I do realize that.

As far as maintaining this vide, read some of the other posts and figure out what you would do in different relationship settings.

ok wow time for a bit of sensitivity for you. first of all, you messed up bad, but people have grilled you for that already so ill move on to REAL advice because thats what this site is here for.

With all due respect Anthony, this REAL advice isn't going to land any guy a girl.



from the sounds of it you love her, but time to step up and prove it to her. tell her how you feel, you can start with what youve been saying here ("shes perfect...shes amazing...i love her...etc).

Let me tell you what I told Jman. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE DOING!
She is in control, she asked for the break and she is playing the game of telling him it's a break but not a break. Why on earth would he continue to be emotional and tell her these emotional things? In fact if you read what has happened, when he's done what you are suggesting, she's thrown it back at him yet kept him at a distance.


then if you get the chance, never break her trust again and that means you should cut the drinking and partying and hanging with girls stuff for a while to prove yourself.

He shouldn't cheat, but if you think he should change his life for a girl you are nuts. Why would you ever be someone's slave, always available and never any fun?


tell her your plans and always be honest. tell her how you messed up and take 100% responsibility for this. tell her you wont party or w/e and tell her youd do anything for her BUT ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT.

Hasn't he already done this?


then say a prayer and hope for the best.

That doesn't work in relationships.


if it doesnt work out and she wont come back then sadly you know why and LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

Well, I agree with the learn from your mistakes, but when you have to resort to becoming an emotional whipping boy always available, and ready to tell her you love her again and again, why would any woman want a man who acts that way?
I hope it'll go well for you, yeah you messed up but if you two really love each other then maybe you'll get a second chance... [/QUOTE]

I felt good throughout most of the day today but now it's night and I get to thinking. This is probably normal. But anyway, I told her that not to talk to me and that I was going to not talk to her because it made me feel better. I felt as though I gained some control and let her know I wasn't putting up with her sh**. I also now don't look at my phone hoping it is her every time it vibrates because I know it won't be.

I've actually hooked up with a couple other girls recently when I had been getting feelings that it was definitely over. I woke up feeling worse than ever before the next morning. When does that feeling go away? Maybe the answer doesn't have to be 6 weeks or something definite like that, but at what stage does it not hurt?

So this is the 4th day of absolutely no contact, no hope, no number in the cell phone, not friends on Facebook, not buddies on AIM, and I feel terrible. I miss everything about her and I can't look at another girl the same... I just want to be over it. What do I do

So this is the 4th day of absolutely no contact, no hope, no number in the cell phone, not friends on facebook, not buddies on AIM, and i feel terrible. I miss everything about her and i can't look at another girl the same... I just want to be over it. what do i do

Hang in there and take things one day at at time. You will have some really tough times ahead but also some not so bad days. I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel as long as you have faith that you'll get through this. Many of us have been on the ride you've just started and look at us now - we speak from experience that there is a better life waiting for you after a breakup. You just need to take the steps necessary to refocus on your life to get there.

Make sure you read through the stickies if you haven't already. They are chock full of ideas on what you can do to better your life but at the same time make the time pass and lessen the pain for at least a short while.

Thanks for the advice. She was always so loving and loved having me and seeing me and loved having me as her boyfriend. The last time we talked she kind of gave off the impression she's just sick of having to tell someone what they're doing, and where they're going, and talking on the phone and all the bf/gf stuff. I've had those feelings and we have had different break ups, and I got over that within a few weeks. Now that it's been 2 months is she really not going to wake up one day and say, holy... the biggest part of my life isn't here. Or could she just be so beyond it and going to get back into it if she doesn't have to.

Is she still thinking about me? Does she wish she could wake up to my phone call like she did every morning at 630? Does she still hug our matching teddy bears?

She, she, she, she, she,
She, she, she, she, she
She, she, she, she, she

Enough, think, me, me, me, me, me,!

OK. So I've gone through with everything I was trying to do, by not talking to her and erasing her from my life. On Thursday, three days after I pretty much told her I never wanted to speak to her again and to please never call me, she calls. I answer and ask why she is calling and she says because when we talked the other day I said that she never wants to talk to me anymore and never has time, and that right now she has time and really wants to talk. I told her that I don't want to talk to her. She told me I just made her feel like crap and she's going to go. I told her that I just can't talk to her.

So, yesterday, which was Saturday, two days after she called me.. she calls again. This time I ignore the call and figure if it's important she'll leave a voicemail or a text. Nothing, and no word since.

What do I make of this? And why does she call me! I gave her all of her stuff back and said she's hurt me so bad and now I need to move on to better myself! I'm not going to let her toy with me! What do I do?

You are doing the right thing. If she calls, ignore her.

OK, and I will. Why is she calling though?

Because she thinks you'll be available at a moment's notice. Prior to the other day, you told her all kinds of things about not wanting to break up, and wanting to be with her. So she's now going to try to keep you interested by calling every now and then until she gets the message, you won't play the game with her.

Okay, why is she playing the games? When she gets that I'm not playing the games is that going to bring her back?

No!

So today during school, I receive a text message from the ex. It read, "I would suggest not using a butch ugly sheman in your attempt to make me jealous, it didn't work, it just pissed me off more about your immaturity and inability to have a friendship with me"

I was taking a test which I wasn't prepared for when I received this and I couldn't finish it. I sat there for 90 minutes thinking and wondering and all that dumb stuff.

She had called me over the weekend and I hadn't answered. I didn't want to receive another text/call so I responded today by saying, "please don't talk to me"

Why is she doing this?!

I just re-read that and I forgot to put why she said this. There is a picture of me and a girl she absolutely hates as my default on Facebook, and we are no longer friends so that is the only thing she can view of mine.

"Eye for an eye will make the whole world blind"

You put that default there on purpose, you are trying to hurt her whether you want to admit it or not. Stop acting like a child and just live your life

Why is she doing this?!

You know what... who cares? Change your number - POOF no more texts/calls! End this, now. Stop dragging this out, you are only hurting yourself. Change your Facebook pic to a picture of a fluffy bunny and end this drama. You are only creating more emotional suffering and trouble for yourself here.

Seriously, enough is enough. Snap out of it! There's no need for any of this. Don't let her have any power over you and get on with your life. If she's trying to play games, DON'T PLAY BACK - you will ALWAYS win by doing this.

Ok, so after the text messages, yesterday I received a call last night! I was on the other line and I just clicked over before looking, so now I was on the phone with her. She just can't understand why we can't be friends and she wants to talk to me about all of these things that she listed and that it's been 3 years of talking to me everyday about everything and now I can't even be friends with her.

I told her that I'd love to talk to her all night about that stuff but I can't anymore, we're over, I'm beyond it and I'm moving on. She still doesn't get it and I told her not to call me, again. I'm not going to change my number because 1. I don't want to and 2. because then she'll know she's getting to me.

I have a few questions about all of this
1. Does she miss me and wants to start loving me again?
2. Why doesn't she get that I can't talk to her, I understood when she wanted time and such.
3. What do I tell her if I'm forced to talk to her again?

I am going to bang my head against the wall.


Ok, so after the text messages, yesterday i received a call last night!! i was on the other line and i just clicked over before looking, so now i was on the phone with her.

Then you should have told her the truth. The truth was you were on the other line, when your done if you have time you will call her back. By the way, when you were done, you would not have had time.


She just can't understand why we can't be friends and she wants to talk to me about all of these things that she listed and that it's been 3 years of talking to me everyday about everything and now i can't even be friends with her.

So she wants to break up and stay friends so she doesn't feel bad, while dragging you down. That doesn't work. Why are you asking this question again?


I told her that i'd love to talk to her all night about that stuff but I can't anymore, we're over, i'm beyond it and i'm moving on. She still doesn't get it and I told her not to call me, again.

Dude, quit being a p*ssy and just quit telling her your not going to talk and she can't call you. Just stop. Don't tell her, just don't call. Don't tell her not to call you. Just don't pick up. If you do by accident then end the conversation.



I'm not going to change my number because 1. I don't want to and 2. because then she'll know she's getting to me.

SHE IS GETTING TO YOU!! You are doing nothing to stop her from talking to you. Honestly, has anything you've done worked? Why not try something different, like just not talk to her. Don't tell her, just stop.



I have a few questions about all of this
1. Does she miss me and wants to start loving me again?

No.



2. Why doesn't she get that I can't talk to her, I understood when she wanted time and such.

Because she knows she can dump her emotional garbage on you and the only response you seem to give her is, "uh umm ... could uhh umm ... would you please ... uhhhh umm can you please, pretty please not talk to me?"


3. What do I tell her if I'm forced to talk to her again?

WHAT THE ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??

You aren't forced to do anything. Just don't talk to her.

For the love of all things holy, getting dumped sucks really bad. It does, but we are all telling you what to do, and you aren't listening to a damn thing, and they you keep posting asking the same question a different way.

So here's the deal. You've tried it your way. Your way isn't working. Your way is prolonging the pain. Your way is not getting results. Your way still has you at the end of her string.

So here's the way we are all saying you can escape the this. STOP TALKING TO HER!!

You don't owe her an explanation... you do, however, owe yourself some defined action towards progress.

Quit trying to talk the talk, when you can't even walk the walk.

Okay. I won't answer ever, and I won't text back ever. Thanks.

okay. i won't answer ever, and i won't text back ever. Thanks.

Dude, I'm not trying to bully you around because I know it looks that way, as God as my witness I have your best intentions in mind. Just trust us here. Just follow your own words above and let the pain heal.

Okay, okay. I will do my absolute best. It's just so tough as everyone knows. I just miss her so much. Her laugh, smile, touch, kiss, the way she talks, the way she sneezes. You know all that little stuff. The feeling she gives me as I feel her body on top of mine.

How do you do that again with someone else after 3 years of that crazy feeling with the same person, how do you love again?

By healing!! That's what we have been telling you, over and over again. You really need to cope with those feelings, fella, and that's the whole point. Its called growing up, and being good to yourself.

Okay, okay. I will do my absolute best. It's just so tough as everyone knows. I just miss her so much. Her laugh, smile, touch, kiss, the way she talks, the way she sneezes. You know all that little stuff. The feeling she gives me as i feel her body on top of mine.

How do you do that again with someone else after 3 years of that crazy feeling with the same person, how do you love again?

It is tough, not impossible. I've been in 3 year relationships too, and like you I've been dumped. I don't doubt for one second that you are in love with this girl. But she doesn't feel that way about you. That's just a cold reality of life. But by the same token, she is one of 3 billion girls. You aren't in a place to date any of them now, but if you just take a step back, let this emotional pain go away.

After 3 years, I won't lie, this isn't going to happen overnight. It's going to take some time, but for your own mental and emotional help, you owe it to YOURSELF to just back away and not talk to her. I have been on this site for 3 years, and I can tell you that every poster who has responded to you cares more about you then she does. Next time you have the urge to let her lie and manipulate you think about that. Who's really looking out for you? Has she been or has she been emotionally abusing and torturing you? Granted you allow it, because you won't quit talking to her, but she don't care. But go back and read all these responses, even the ones critical of you, we still have your best outcome in mind, she doesn't. Now it's your turn to decide, do you want to follow the advice of people who have been there and understand it, or the girl who is using you when you are emotionally weak. Do the right thing.

Wow. You're definitely right. And it's so hard for me to see that cute innocent girl who was the least selfish anyone could ever be and was there at any moment, is gone. And she doesn't care anymore. She's thinking totally about herself. I hate selfish people, I actually wrote a college essay on it. It's so crazy how people change.

Chuff, after being in different serious relationships do you still miss them? Or compare them? And those certain things that were perfect on the first girl are now not like that on the next. And I know now that girl is going to have other perfect things that you should love. But I'm so picky.. she was everything I ever dreamed of in a girl.

How long does it take to heal and move on? I know every one is different, but I am crushed still and I don't know when it's going to end.

How long does it take to heal and move on? I know every one is different, but I am crushed still and I don't know when it's going to end.

It is true that everyone is different. I've found that the most important factor is your willingness to TRULY let go of all false hope. The sooner you get to that stage, the faster you are on your way to recovery. Having a good support system helps too. Luckily, I've had unbelievable friends and family I could rely on to help me through my last breakup. This actually made me realize that I had such a great support system. Now I appreciate them all even more because of what I've gone through.

I know right now it seems like it isn't going to end and like there's no hope. But what if I promised you that if you gave your best effort to follow the advice offered to you here that would be at the point in life where you'd be over this - would you do it? Because here's the thing... many of us have been through these same trials and tribulations - we're living proof it works! Have faith in yourself and that the pain will fade away, and it will.

I don't know if I'd do it. She was really confused when we broke up. I feel deep down that she's going to come back. I'm not telling myself to think that and it's something I'm trying to stop thinking. But once she is a couple weeks of 100% NC, I think she'll realize. I just woke up from sleeping and my dreams consisted of me talking to her mom and having her help us work through it, and also me being with her.

It's terrible.. I still feel empty and that a huge piece of me is gone.

I don't know if I'd do it. She was really confused when we broke up. I feel deep down that she's going to come back. I'm not telling myself to think that and it's something I'm trying to stop thinking. But once she is a couple weeks of 100% NC, I think she'll realize. I just woke up from sleeping and my dreams consisted of me talking to her mom and having her help us work through it, and also me being with her.

It's terrible.. I still feel empty and that a huge piece of me is gone.

I know what you mean... I've been there before. It truly is very much like having a loved one pass away (obviously not to the same degree, but it damn sure feels like it). There's definitely a sense of loss and that is totally normal.

What I tell people in situations like this is that even if you do want her back, you still need to cut that last thread of hope and start working on being the best person you can be. If by some odd twist of fate she comes back, you will be a better person than you were before right? This all boils down to the fact that you need to clearly define what is within your own realm of personal control and what isn't. Her coming back = not within your control. You moving on, working on yourself, and becoming a better person = in your realm.

It is time for you start working on things you can directly control - as we all know trying to control things you can't is pointless and a waste of time and energy. Cut that last thread of hope - you will feel relief. Then work on yourself and your life.

I try and I try and I try, and it's becoming more that the hardest part of my day is waking up, and going to bed. I think about her all day but it isn't as painful. It's great to not hear her voice or see her face in pictures or on the computer.. it really helps me through the day.

But, she texted me today. Right after I posted a received a picture message. It was a picture of her favorite ring I bought her. A piece had broken a few months back and now another little piece had fallen off. She wrote on it too, another piece of the enamel fell off!

I sent no reply, and don't plan on it. She obviously still wears my ring and still thinks about me a lot. We meant so much to each other... I can't let go of that hope, my body won't let myself.

Until you get a grip, and get healthy, you are no good to anyone, not even yourself!!

Get with the program!

I had a good weekend, but now that it is Sunday I have a lot of downtime. I got to thinking about her. I really really really miss her. Every Sunday at this time we would always hang out so sundays weren't as boring as usual. I'm hurting so bad right now, and am just reviewing everything we've ever done in my head. How can she be so comfortable with this... Right now I feel like I'm back to square 1, when the past couple of days I felt like everything was going to be okay, and it was in the past

Life is full of highs and lows, your sitting there letting your mind play those tricks on you because you have no plan that gets you busy.

Sunday is a good day to dress up, and visit people after church.

Threads merged and edited

I'm still as anxious as ever and miss her uncontrollably.

We've been no contact for only a week right now, because I don't talk to for about 10 days and then she'll call me constantly. So I finally blocked her number, admitting to myself that it's 110% over now. But I still find myself having most of my thoughts about her. She was really a special girl to me, but she must not have been the one.

I'm just confused on how to ever open up to someone again, how to call someone new 'baby', how to go to the restaurant that used to be yours again, and importantly how could she let someone go who she has shared the greatest thing she's ever had.. This took a big toll on me and my life, I just want to feel good again and one day love again.

You never get over your first true love, but in time it will get easier. Hang out w/ your friends
Have fun and in time you will find yourself taking interest in a new girl that catches your eye. Don't be hard on your ex she is going through the same emo roller coaster... as said it will take time.

I'm in the same situation, finally reinitiated no contact for the second time last week. Its so hard but after going no contact again I've started to realise the importance of why you have to do it. The more time you have away from her physically and mentally you start to get yourself back a bit. Only once you get this back should you even begin to think about what to do next. You may even realise that there could be someone better than your ex. I'm starting to think that, but I know that I still love her.

Once you do get yourself back, the realisation that you have the capacity to love (not just her but to love in general) will allow you to move on. Hope you are OK, I found message boards such a help in getting my confidence back and allowed me to kind of externalize my pain and realise that its not just me who has felt the amount of anguish I once did.

You broke up for 3 months, but you only had no contact for 1 week. So your actually healing process only started 1 week ago.

Stop contacting her or else you will drag out the pain and you're going to restart the healing process.

1 week is not enough, give yourself way more time than that.

We've been no contact for only a week right now

I wish is correct, your healing just started, and you will have to go longer than a week of not contacting her, before it gets better.

Yeah I'm really really sticking to it this time. Some people on other message boards and in my life have told me that it's immature to not speak to her and I should be able to have some sort of relationship with her and should not ignore her. She also would tell me that when she called me.

Its in now way immature to not talk or ignore her. You are just doing the right thing for yourself which everyone has to respect! In any normal friendship ignoring someone is definitely considered rude or immature but an ex-girlfriend after a break-up is not your friend and very rarely can be a friend in the normal sense of the word. There's too much history. If you are on the receiving end of someone leaving, its your right to do whatever helps you! Keep strong!

I feel I'm pathetic because of the amount of time I still think about this girl, and the amount of importance she still weighs in my life. She is doing nothing to stay as my girlfriend, so why do I devote still almost all of my thoughts to her? I'm only on 12 days of NC, but we haven't had constant contact for a long time now

Everything I think my brain still just immediately links to her in someway. And everyday my brain wonders to a new point for me to feel bad about not having her. She contacted a friend of mine the other day which doesn't help. He told me about it and I didn't ask for any details, but it was nothing special.

I'm scared of life without her. The past 3 months have been a blur, everything seams surreal. Everyone says time will heal it, but time only makes me realize why I love her so much, why she's so special, and why she was that me to above all other girls. :(

Hang in there dude, we all go through the adjustment of unattaching ourselves. Its like kicking drugs, cold turkey. You can do this.

Ok, there is an update on this situation and I need help.

I have blocked my ex on every message system, in an attempt to give up all hope. Right before I initiated no contact for almost 17 days, I wrote an email explaining every true feeling I had. I told her it was the last time I would talk about those feelings and it was. I asked her to sit down and talk as two people who care for each other more than anything in the world, and not waste something so special. She responded by when she is ready.

Following all of that I never responded and she called from a random number last night. I try to ignore all random numbers and on the third call I answered. She told instantly to not hang up and I told her I didn't want to talk to her again. She got emotional and told me that I was an idiot then. I said OK what's up. She said no you were being an , don't call back. I said don't worry I won't and I didn't.

This ate at me all night and morning until my best friend told me she got some texts from her last night. I read them and she wanted to sit down and talk to me. But she said I blew my chance because I was being a jerk. (which in my tone everything was rude, but understandable. I had no idea she had intentions of really seeing me.)

Do I call her and say I'm sorry for being a jerk, whats' up? Or do I wait for her to call me again, because I think she will. Or do I have my friend ask her how the talk went last night, and hint to call again. Help? I really truly love her and would love to work it out.

Let me know when your ready to do something for yourself and not her.

Don't you think 3 months is long enough to keep going through this mess?

You have been given good advice, and the tools, and how to use them. Now get the job done.

Let me know when your ready to do something for yourself and not her.



It's hard. I know it is. But be honest with yourself. Is any of this healthy? Is this what two healthy people do? You have fantasied about her for 3 months now and getting back together. But have you fantasied about what you would do? Have you tried to figure out how you can be stable and in control? Tal's right, it's time for you to do something for you. Your not even yourself anymore. Your just a guy hanging on to a dream, but you have completely lost yourself. What are you doing? How you are you improving?

I've done a lot of things for myself. I've decided where I'm going to school, to quit the baseball team as a senior captain to have fun with my friends on the golf team because it's what I actually wanted to do, and not just what I'm used to. I've hung out with other girls, gone no contact for a decent amount of time before I got a call from a random number. I was doing all right before all this last night.

But the thing is, I love her. I can't see myself with any other girl, and I've had 3.5 months away from her. I would never hurt her again, ever. I've matured so much, learned so much about me, who I want to be, who I want in my life, what kind of person I want to be, how to treat people, and so many other things. And one thing I validated in my time apart are my feelings towards her. We have an amazing connection and if we do get back together it would be 100% fine and no awkwardness.

The emotional rollercoaster I rode wasn't healthy, but I think in the end all of this was for the best, no matter the outcome.

But for now, do I just wait for her to call me again? Or do I go out of my way now..

But for now, do i just wait for her to call me again? or do i go out of my way now..

You wait for her to call you. Even in that call from the other night, you told her you didn't want to talk and she called you an idiot. Then you continued talking to her. That isn't healthy. That is her verbally abusing you (granted it's not the biggest insult ever) and you not being strong enough to stop her from doing it. You should have called her on that, and told her, you are not going to be her emotional whipping boy, and if she wants to talk to you she talks to you respectfully, and if she does, you'll offer her the same in return. This is part of what Tal is talking about. You have to be strong for yourself before you can enter into a relationship with her or anybody else.

Ok. Now I feel I'm waiting for her call. Hope has been restored where before I was completely hopeless, and trying to move on. I haven't made any progress in either direction in the past 5 days and don't know what to do about it. I haven't heard from her so I'm anxious. I am starting to have vivid dreams of her in them again, which hasn't happened for weeks. I think about her so much more, and now I reminisce so much more than I should be. Should I just pick up the phone and call her? I feel like I'm waiting around now.

Should I just pick up the phone and call her? I feel like i'm waiting around now.

I think you have missed the entire point. NC is not about waiting her out. It's about building your confidence back up and finding yourself. It's about filling that void that you currently feel, on your own. NC is about doing for you, because you can and you deserve it. Under no circumstances should you call her.

You just keep waiting, eventually she will call. Just keep sitting there. When this thread has reached a thousand posts we will tell you the same thing, and you can ask what should you do.

Reread your thread.

Ok. Now I feel I'm waiting for her call. Hope has been restored where before I was completely hopeless, and trying to move on. I haven't made any progress in either direction in the past 5 days and don't know what to do about it. I haven't heard from her so I'm anxious. I am starting to have vivid dreams of her in them again, which hasn't happened for weeks. I think about her so much more, and now I reminisce so much more than I should be. Should I just pick up the phone and call her? I feel like i'm waiting around now.

Sheesh. You are going to get roasted mate.

Over the past few months your yearning for this girl has turned into a gilt edged fantasy.
I've read all the posts and you really don't know how to let go (mind you, neither does she). I suspect it will all turn pear shaped, but the ball is in your court now.

See if your new found 'maturity' stands you in good stead, or whether this is a fantasy as well.

I am going to bang my head against the wall.



I wrote this on March 17... which surprised me because I remembered it quite clearly, but none the less that was 6 weeks ago. When are you going to apply what we are saying?

She wanted space, I gave it to her. I went NC a ton of times. She couldn't do that and has finally realized that being apart isn't what she wants. Why is it a problem that I get back together with her? I love her very much still. I've learned a lot in our time apart, and I'm ready to be with her again. Never did our relationship together involve jealousy, or fighting. Just because she actually came around means it can't work?

Go for it guy, its your life, so its your decision. I hope your right, and I'm wrong. I really do.

If she's not forgiving you your not meant to be

Ok. I called. At first it didn't go the why I had hoped because she was pissed I blocked her number and such. She then had to call me back and when she did we were able to talk a lot. She forgives me for what I did, now just isn't sure if she can trust me enough to build a relationship together again and go apart to college. She said she really has to think about it, still loves me and misses me so much as a boyfriend and a best friend. We are meeting up today to talk in person because we haven't seen each other in a month. I really hope all goes well.

I think you guys were right. I went out on a limb to see what really was there and it turns out it probably won't work out. She said she still has some thinking to do, but she shouldn't need to if I'm what she wants. When we talk again I'm going to tell her we really can't speak ever again.

I know I should have listened, you guys are right 99.9% of the time. You've been through it all. I, like everyone else thought I would be different. But I'm not. I felt that with how beautiful this girl is, and how she was the one person who was so much more special to me than anyone else, and because that person I can confide in, that it was worth a shot. And I guess it was, but I'm hurt again, and one day I'll find someone who may not be as perfect physically as she is, but someone who won't give up when things get hard, someone who cares and wants to be there forever, and who loves me for every flaw I have.

I'm pretty sure we'll talk today, and I will tell her that I never want to speak to her again. My first goal is 30 days NC. I got to 17 before this mess. Thanks for the advice from everyone. I'm going to make it through just like everyone in the past.

I know it sucks, but sometimes you just have to live it, in order to understand it! As has been said in other posts, you can't put a decision about your life in the hands of another person. You've just got to 'take the bull by the horns' and do it yourself.

Life is a journey, not a destination. You learn your lessons by travelling life's road, as you're discovering.

Big lesson number one - physical good looks do not a good relationship make. Forget about the arm candy - it's an ego thing. Look for someone you can love for the same reasons you want them to love you: someone who won't give up when things get hard, someone who cares and wants to be there forever, and who loves me for every flaw I have.

Ok. It's time for all of you to say I told you so. We talked a bunch this week and decided to get together and talk. We did and the outcome was that we want to be back together, both of us. But in 3 months we will be in college, and we may have broken up to do that anyway. She is someone with very high anxiety and said she doesn't know if she will be able to trust me 3 months from now while we are 6 hours away and can picture herself in her dorm freaking out because she doesn't know what I'm doing. So the decision was it's just terrible timing and I don't know if I can trust you. So, I guess it's my fault but there have been many many lessons learned. But if it was meant to be we would be together.

However it was nice to hear that she still really loves me. Now I'm back on the no contact train for 3 days now with one destination, and that is being completely over it. It's the absolute hardest thing to lose someone who is the biggest part of your life, someone who you never thought would leave, especially when you take them for granted.

Love is an amazing thing and I guess I should be lucky that I experienced it for the first time so young. Life is going to take me to many places and maybe not right now but one day I'll be able to love again and believe that someone else is the one for me and see past every imperfection they have.

Thanks for everyone's help, even when I was being stupid and stubborn. Any more advice at this point?

any more advice at this point?

Enjoy life... enjoy college... enjoy being single. Simple huh? Seriously, just enjoy what you have coming to you! Good luck!

So, i guess it's my fault but there have been many many lessons learned.

I, along with everyone else reading this thread, see something very clever she did in that last sentence.

However, I'll reveal that to you later, what are the lessons you have learned?

Oh wow, a lot of things. I've done a lot of thinking in the past few months so..

1. never, ever cheat. Break up and wait a week if you're that tempted.
2. never hurt someone you love. You only hurt yourself.
3. don't take advantage of something or someone, regardless of you think it will always be there.
4. let time take its course. After a break-up, go NC as fast as possible, it will either bring you back or let you both go on your way.
5. never forget to do to the little things that makes your special someone happy.
6. don't let success on any level let your head grow. Stay true to who you are and be modest.
7. alcohol or any drug or influence is not responsible for any action.
8. if you make a mistake, accept it, learn from it, move on, because everyone else along with the world will.
9. when you're so in love and happy, enjoy and cherish every kiss, every hug, every moment that makes you feel time stops or nothing else matters.
10. What type of person I want to be.
11. Try to be optimistic about everything, now that it's over, enjoy the freedoms of being single and being an individual while I can, because there will be another relationship some day.
12. If I am ever the break-er, be concrete, try not to give hope if there really is none, but even if there is don't let them hold on to that.
13. Sneaking around isn't fun, the grass is never greener on the other side, you're only going to hurt someone in some way whether no one finds out and you're guilty, or if your gf/bf finds out. And chances are the one you have is better than the one you're sneaking around with.
14. What morals I have and wish to follow.
15. What I want out of life.
16. What type of people I want in my life.
17. There will be someone else, and everyone can love again.
18. Sex with someone you love is so much different and more meaningful and better than with someone you don't love.
19. I'm a dedicated, determined person. I'm going to be successful and there is no one stopping me from reaching my goals.
20. You don't have to be in love to be happy.

That's it for now, how's that?
I'll keep a pen with me and write down more if I think of them..

oh wow, alot of things. i've done alot of thinking in the past few months so..

1. never, ever cheat. break up and wait a week if you're that tempted.
2. never hurt someone you love. you only hurt yourself.
3. don't take advantage of something or someone, regardless of you think it will always be there.
4. let time take its course. after a break-up, go NC as fast as possible, it will either bring you back or let you both go on your way.
5. never forget to do to the little things that makes your special someone happy.
6. don't let success on any level let your head grow. stay true to who you are and be modest.
7. alcohol or any drug or influence is not responsible for any action.
8. if you make a mistake, accept it, learn from it, move on, because everyone else along with the world will.
9. when you're so in love and happy, enjoy and cherish every kiss, every hug, every moment that makes you feel time stops or nothing else matters.
10. what type of person i want to be.
11. try to be optimistic about everything, now that it's over, enjoy the freedoms of being single and being an individual while i can, because there will be another relationship some day.
12. if i am ever the break-er, be concrete, try not to give hope if there really is none, but even if there is don't let them hold on to that.
13. sneaking around isn't fun, the grass is never greener on the other side, you're only going to hurt someone in some way whether no one finds out and you're guilty, or if your gf/bf finds out. and chances are the one you have is better than the one you're sneaking around with.
14. what morals i have and wish to follow.
15. what i want out of life.
16. what type of people i want in my life.
17. There will be someone else, and everyone can love again.
18. sex with someone you love is so much different and more meaningful and better than with someone you don't love.
19. i'm a dedicated, determined person. im going to be successful and there is no one stopping me from reaching my goals.
20. you don't have to be in love to be happy.

that's it for now, how's that?
i'll keep a pen with me and write down more if i think of them..


Wow, nice. You sure have learned a lot out of this whole thing. Good for you man.

It's been 20 days of NC, my best ever and I show no signs of turning back. However, today I'm having a bad day, heard some stuff that wasn't too pleasant through the grape vine and I need some words of wisdom or something to jump start me back on track to where I should be going. Anything?

Yeah, here are some words of wisdom: Screw your ex, what she does with her life has NOTHING to do with your life. Don't drink the Kool Aid, you are better than that. Keep moving forward no matter what.

First, congratulations on the 20 days.

If you don't mind me bragging a little read this post I put up the other night about people leaving your life to make way for something better. I think you might find some strength there.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/interesting-joel-olsteen-show-relationships-357516.html

Whattup 35 days? Haha. Yeah I'm that far along but today I ran into a problem. The one girl that my ex absolutely hated because we hooked up during a month long break up 2 summers ago has become my best friend. We have kissed a little bit in a stupid way but no one really knows about it and it's not serious and not a continuing thing at all. She really is my really good friend. However, she was my prom date and we have been in a ton of pictures together online and 35 days after me and my ex last spoke when she said that she just can't do it and it's not what she wants she decides to text my friend, the girl she hated.

In the text it read "The fact that you have reamined a total home wrecking slut for 3 years of my life is remarkable. I really hope Joey(me) is all you wanted him to be from the beginning.. but just to warn you, he cheated on me with a bigger scum bag than yourself. All you need is fake nails and a gross tatoo and you guys can be twins."

My friend responded by saying that we are absolutely nothing and just friends because we are, and that she is also off a break up, and that if she has any problems she should talk to me and not her. Now my friend won't tell me what my ex said back because I'm sure it was rude or hurtful towards me..

But what do I do about all of this? I instantly thought about breaking NC but her number is blocked and I was able to control the urge. Im not going to do that. But what if she calls? She's the one who is out doing whatever she wants, and I've heard about some really drunk stupid pictures she's taken and rumors about things she's done, so who is she to do this to me now when I actually am not hooking up with girls and doing stupid things like that that I wouldn't have liked her to do when she was my girlfriend..

I don't understand why you are asking this question... who cares what your ex does, thinks or sees? Live your life, have fun and don't give a damn about the ex.

But what if she calls?

Her number is blocked, and if she uses another number don't talk to her, be to busy with IMPORTANT things, and hang up!

You don't break NC for dumb drama like that.

If she calls and you do pick up, thank her for the time she wasted calling you and hang up

In the text it read "The fact that you have reamined a total home wrecking slut for 3 years of my life is remarkable. I really hope Joey(me) is all you wanted him to be from the beginning.. but just to warn you, he cheated on me with a bigger scum bag than yourself. All you need is fake nails and a gross tatoo and you guys can be twins."

Congratulations to you and a lesson to be shared with others about the value of NC. You have just beat your ex in the game of life. Your ex got the hint via NC that you were no longer into her and jealousy creeped it's ugly way into her life causing that emotional outburst towards your friend. If anything, it helped you with your friend who now sees through no action of your own that value you must have because of the actions of someone who comes off unstable, while you sit back and come off looking great if this is the kind of reaction you illicit a break up.

but what do I do about all of this? I instantly thought about breaking NC but her number is blocked and I was able to control the urge. Im not going to do that. But what if she calls?

She's trying to get a reaction from you - and it worked didn't it?

Clearly she's just a silly twit (from what she texted to your friend) and you're well rid of her.

Act like she doesn't exist. Don't answer any of her calls or, if she does call, hang up.

It will drive her crazy.

Sounds like you made your bed , now you need to sleep in it-this time by yourself. Leave her be for a while. You screwed up, you know that, and you want things all better now. Well, sometimes enough is enough for partners who don't feel loved, or like they are the only one. You won ( team), and that's great, but sounds like you left her out and treated her like $--t. As far as the other girls, dude you probably blew it, face it. You're going to have to walk on water to get her back. Move on if you're not ready to change. Good luck.