Ive been really suspicious of my girl friend lately. I really fell in love with her and we have been talking marriage. Last week she came home a bit upset and told me that an old boyfriend called her and wanted to see her as he was going to be in town for few days. She described him to be 12 years younger and the "player" type. She said that they split up when she saw him having sex with her best friend in her own hot tub one evening. I could tell that there was a lot of emotion and hurt in her story.

It made me feel great that she confided in me and all was OK. I also felt like this guy was no good and that he wanted to see her for one reason only. I was glad that she was open and honest with me and that she had NO desire whatsoever to see him or hear from him again.


The next night we were about to make love and her cell phone, which was in bed with us, started going off like crazy. I checked it and it was the old BF.

She had been texting him back and forth during the day and he was responding. She and I talked about it briefly and in all sincerity I asked her to please make me a part of what was going on by letting me read the conversations.

She got VERY defensive and grabbed the phone as if she feared that I would take it by force. She gave me a synopses of what had been going on with them and I tried my best to understand.

I got a little upset and told her that I would so much rather be making love as we had intended instead of having this stress. I told her that she needed to deal with him and I left the room.

Later she said that she had texted him saying that she didn't want to see him and that she was with someone else. She showed me the text message and all was well.

All except that I couldn't shake the thoughts of "if there was nothing to hide then why wouldnt she let me see the texts between them." "Why had she acted so severeIy." I felt like that if she had done that then all would have been OK. Especially if they had been going as she had described.

So anyway I started feeling better and a day had passed. I asked her if she had heard from the ex BF and she said no. All was well.

A day later I asked again and she said yes. Great... problem NOT solved. I have to deal with this some more. Next day same question and same answer. Next day same thing.

So she is showering and I look at her phone to find that all text messages had been deleted.

I had just texted her recently so I knew she had deleted them just before her shower. Couldn't help to consider that she knew her phone would be available to me and that she had deleted them for that reason.

When she got out of the shower I asked her if she needed her space, if we needed to start seeing other people? She responded by saying that she wanted some space so that she could have time with her family and that she didn't want to open up the relationship.

I really felt that something was going on and that she wouldn't have cleared her phone if there was nothing to hide.

I told her that I looked at her phone and noticed that she had deleted her call history and all text message files. She became furious that I had snooped into her phone. I was put out that she skirted the issue and was mad about me snooping. I left without any discussion of either topic.

Later that evening I told her that I didn't want to see her for a few days. That I needed time to focus on my studies and to think about our relationship. I asked her to please not to call me or text me until I call her. If I call her.
Its been its been almost 3 days since I've spoken to her, texted or anything. Im in limbo.

Ive been in love three times in my life and the first two were cheaters. With them I got suspicous and asked about it. They denied. I snooped and both times it was in fact true.

I have a strong sense that all is not well here. What do you think?

Hey there probably you are taking this thing all hard as its going agnst her as well as with u!

Stop being suspicious , let the truth come to you as its destined to be!

Remember patience in love is the most difficult but also the most fruitful behavior!



Stand for your relationship not for yourself, even if she is cheating she will do no harm to your emotions be prepared for anything!

hey there probably you are taking this thing all hard as its going agnst her as well as with u!

stop being suspicious , let the truth come to you as its destined to be!

remember patience in love is the most difficult but also the most fruitful behavior!



stand for your relationship not for yourself, even if she is cheating she will do no harm to your emotions be prepared for anything!



Yeah I think you make some good points there. We were just talking on the phone and I was feeling like maybe I should be more understanding. She said that the reason that she didn't let me see her text messages is that Mario, John, Nick, Shaun and Jay had all texted her that day and she didn't want me to get upset over it. She's so sweet. Im so grateful to have not one but 5 exboyfriends to NOT worry about. Lol. This is getting humorous.

First,

What age are you?
And she?

How long have you been going out?

First,

What age are you?
And she?

How long have you been going out?


Im 39 she's 43. We've been dating for about 2 months. We've know each other casually for two years. I know I know. Quick to fall in love. Too soon to be speaking of marriage, but we did. I was all for it... If it worked out.

Ive been really suspicious of my girl friend lately. I really fell in love with her and we have been talking marriage.

Dude, I know you know it but come on, wayyyy to soon!


I could tell that there was a lot of emotion and hurt in her story.

RED FLAG!!!!


It made me feel great that she confided in me and all was ok. I also felt like this guy was no good and that he wanted to see her for one reason only. I was glad that she was open and honest with me and that she had NO desire whatsoever to see him or hear from him again.

I think she was covering her bases. Was this an off-again on-again relationship?


The next night we were about to make love and her cell phone, which was in bed with us, started going off like crazy. I checked it and it was the old BF.

She had been texting him back and forth during the day and he was responding. She and I talked about it briefly and in all sincerity I asked her to please make me a part of what was going on by letting me read the conversations.

She got VERY defensive and grabbed the phone as if she feared that I would take it by force. She gave me a synopses of what had been going on with them and I tried my best to understand.

CAUGHT! and you don't deal with it. You try to understand? Your not supposed to, your supposed to be in an exclusive relationship no?



Later she said that she had texted him saying that she didnt want to see him and that she was with someone else. She showed me the text message and all was well.


Because she showed you what you wanted to see? Come on have you not seen with this girl that what you see is not always what you get?


All except that I couldnt shake the thoughts of "if there was nothing to hide then why wouldnt she let me see the texts between them." "Why had she acted so severeIy." I felt like that if she had done that then all would have been ok. Especially if they had been going as she had described.


Oh now you notice!

No one, no matter what their relationship, should have to answer to another... but they also should be honest.


So anyway I started feeling better and a day had passed. I asked her if she had heard from the ex BF and she said no. All was well.

Not dealing with the situation again.
You seem like your throwing plasters over what needs a surgical dressing.


A day later I asked again and she said yes. Great...problem NOT solved. I have to deal with this some more. Next day same question and same answer. Next day same thing.


Look at that? Well I can't believe it?


So she is showering and I look at her phone to find that all text messages had been deleted.

I had just texted her recently so I knew she had deleted them just before her shower. Couldn't help to consider that she knew her phone would be available to me and that she had deleted them for that reason.



Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

You NEVER have the right to go through someone else's stuff and, what's more, no good ever comes of it.

Great, now the trust has been lost on both sides because you didn't speak up when you should have, and she kept on hiding.



When she got out of the shower I asked her if she needed her space, if we needed to start seeing other people? She responded by saying that she wanted some space so that she could have time with her family and that she didnt want to open up the relationship.

I really felt that something was going on and that she wouldnt have cleared her phone if there was nothing to hide.


Doesn't matter what you think now, you've lost her respect and trust and majorly offended her.


She became furious that I had snooped into her phone. I was put out that she skirted the issue and was mad about me snooping. I left without any discussion of either topic.


She didn't skirt the issue, you are now in the wrong because you suspected her. Sucks when you let yourself down, even if it was a warranted reason, wrong way about it.



I have a strong sense that all is not well here. What do you think?

No, all is most definitely not well.

The trust is gone so early in a relationship, but really this kind of thing normally happens when you run head long into a relationship with someone.

I think the most important thing you can take from this is to deal with a situation when it arises, not when its festered and made worse.

Neverme hit the nail on the head, it is never OK to go through someone's phone! I try to avoid going through my fiance's phone, unless she tells me "my phone went off, can you see who it was" and then I look at it and if she wants to tell me what they said then she will. We have trust and nothing to hide.

Red flags are all over the place in your post, she only shows you the texts you want to see, she gets very defensive and is still talking to an ex. I wouldn't stand for this type of behavior. My fiancé has to talk to her ex because of kids being involved, but it never goes beyond talking about the girls and it's not back and forth texting. As soon as it gets to that point, I'm out. Like your girlfriend, her ex treated her like crap, to me there is no reason for conversation unless kids are involved.

... my girlfriend was JUST like this... and still is... texting getting texts... all of that. I've caught her texts, and she says it's a friend or whatever lie...

Look, I know she's not being completely true to me but then again, F.. K it. I don't have to be true to her either... u know what I mean? So just enjoy her when you want and let her think that she's the only one in your life. What I'm saying is that if she meets your needs then so be it... until someone else meets your needs.

You are not being overly suspicious.She has given you good cause to be wary.
Just because you have a history with cheaters does not mean she is not one.The fact that she is communicating with the ex is a red flag.
If you continue with the relationship,be sure to state what you expect from the relationship and what if any boundaries there should be concerning contact with other men.

....my gf was JUST like this.....and still is...texting getting texts.....all of that. ive caught her texts, and she says its a friend or whatever lie.....

look, i know shes not being completely true to me but then again, F..K it. I dont have to be true to her either....u know what i mean? so just enjoy her when you want and let her think that shes the only one in your life. what im saying is that if she meets your needs then so be it...until someone else meets your needs.

I almost spit my coffee right onto my computer at work while reading this. You should write a book on relationships, so we can all learn from your "ALL knowing" wisdom sir.

I would suggest you ask a MOD on here to make you an expert, cause your advice is so dead on it's not even funny... :rolleyes:

On second thought, you should probably just not contribute anything... at least until you pull your head out of your a$$...

Carry on... :cool:

....my gf was JUST like this.....and still is...texting getting texts.....all of that. ive caught her texts, and she says its a friend or whatever lie.....

look, i know shes not being completely true to me but then again, F..K it. I dont have to be true to her either....u know what i mean? so just enjoy her when you want and let her think that shes the only one in your life. what im saying is that if she meets your needs then so be it...until someone else meets your needs.

This is not a girlfriend as the title *girlfriend*lends itself to exclusivity. Neither of you are exclusive.

I think its sad to read your response because not only are you demeaning her you are demeaning fidelity and encouraging dishonesty and using people as if they are worthless.

It rings bad on so many levels. You really need to take a good hard look at how you value people.

Stay out of relationships until you deal with your issues, as how can every relationship you have had, ended in cheating?

Something is wrong here, and you really need to figure it out, before you poison another one.

Yes the problem I think, is you. Sorry and not to be harsh, but do all your relationships start this fast, and furious, and end because you catch them at something?

3 in a row is not a coincidence.

Sorry but something definitely doesn't smell right here... your hardly teenagers in your first encounter.

You say you are 39 and she is 43, so obviously you both know the ropes.

However you should not go through someone else's mobile unless invited to, on the other hand most people I know who are in love couldn't careless,in fact use each others mobiles.

In my opinion she is only showing you what she wants you to see and is only giving you selected information.

I hope this is not the case but I think she is taking you for a mugg and burning the candle at both ends.

You need to open your eyes and smell the coffee... she's 43.. not 23.

Amazing how she suddenly wanted to visit her family, if you're an item you could have gone together.

Don't waste your time, she obviously enjoys playing the field.

Leave her alone and stop being so gullable.

Just my opinion.

She got VERY defensive and grabbed the phone as if she feared that I would take it by force. She gave me a synopses of what had been going on with them and I tried my best to understand.

That's painful to read, but it's usually a tell-tale sign. It at least means she doesn't respect you.

I dated a girl for two months and our situation was quite the opposite. Her ex would call and text her, and she'd want to tell me about it but I told her not to, saying that it ain't my business. She couldn't understand why. Bottom line was I know how I get and I can be one real mean son-of-a-b*tch, we would be enemies now instead of non-friends. I had my ex before her tell me everything... bad, bad move, I still can't respect her years later. Ignorance really is bliss.


My fiance has to talk to her ex because of kids being involved, but it never goes beyond talking about the girls and it's not back and forth texting. As soon as it gets to that point, I'm out.

Then why are you in a relationship with her--strike that--engaged to her if you'd leave her at the drop of a hat? People do make mistakes and bad choices, and it's not always an indication of their character. You seem so unwilling to work things out, you might as well be single.

If the text messages get to the point of where this person is at, then yes, I would leave. It would be extremely painful but I would take notice of the red flags that I disregarded in my past relationship. If she is texting her ex, trying to meet up without the girls being involved, something is wrong there.

And I'd like to add, it's because we have talked about this and the contact with the ex and came to an agreement with each other. If she starts to disregard this, even after discussing it again then what else would you like me to do? Stay in the relationship like this guy?

And i'd like to add, it's because we have talked about this and the contact with the ex and came to an agreement with each other. If she starts to disregard this, even after discussing it again then what else would you like me to do? Stay in the relationship like this guy?
I guess that's where you and I differ. In my experience, when rules are laid down in a relationship, are all parties involved are more likely to break them. And actually, and I've seen this to be true on this board as well, if I've been told what's expected of me, what to expect of her, or I've been given an ultimatum should I stray from what she considers acceptable boundaries, it's usually because the girl I'm dating has been perpetrator or victim of whatever garbage she's spitting and she's just projecting her own baggage on to me. It's unfair, annoying, and happens more times than I'd care to admit.

If I feel that I have to tell someone how to behave in a relationship, I won't bother dating them seriously. I want to be a boyfriend and not an instructor.

And I believe if you truly love someone you should be willing to put in a lot of effort to resolve any issue in a mature manner. We all can agree that badgering and bugging the person you're with won't help. That's where communication skills come into play.

Exactly, we communicated and they aren't rules per say, more so as having respect for the person you are with. You're telling me you would feel respected by your girlfriend if she was texting her ex and being secretive about the issue? Nobody would, and if she said she would stop this action and then continued to do it you would still be okay with it?

While I agree about your "rules" comment, you will also see that many people on this board preach "boundaries" and I think I could say that secretly talking to an ex is crossing a boundary. If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have nothing to hide. I believe the person you are with is the one you should be the most open with, if you can't talks to that person completely then the relationship will slowly crumble.

(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/gdubyadubya.html)Gdubyadubya (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/gdubyadubya.html) agrees: Actually I agree with you to a point. A major issue here was my anxiety. So yeah a lot of it is me. Not 3 in a row though. Just the three over 39 yrs that I really loved. One when i was a teen, another at 34 and now at 39.
(https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/gdubyadubya.html)

Just curious as to their lengths of these 3 relationships as often we choose the same type of partner and if the others were like this one, I suspect you jumped in to fast with a stranger and skipped the get to know your partner well. Maybe that's why you missed the red flags she was waving, such as texting the ex, or mistaking lust for love.

And yes a lot of it has to do with how you handle yourself as you get to know them, so if your rushing into a relationship with a stranger, you make assumptions and assume things and your actions are hardly based on fact, but feelings.

You're telling me you would feel respected by your girlfriend if she was texting her ex and being secretive about the issue? Nobody would, and if she said she would stop this action and then continued to do it you would still be okay with it?

If she was lying to me then, yeah, of course I wouldn't feel respected. But, stuff like that just doesn't happen out of the blue. And if I were to blast her with questions, she's more likely to lie anyway, and at that point who's really to blame 'cause I was asking for it. Communication skills are key, I thought I had 'em, but man I could still learn a lot more.



If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have nothing to hide. I believe the person you are with is the one you should be the most open with, if you can't talks to that person completely then the relationship will slowly crumble.
I agree, but I'm a pretty private person, so I hide stuff just for the sake of hiding it. Only my best friend of 15 years, who I still see and talk to at least once a week, knows me the closest. I have yet to tell any girlfriend all the things he knows, and I doubt I ever will. This has been a problem source too, my exes who knew him knew how close we are and they didn't like it, they felt cheated or something along those lines. I thought it was ridiculous. But those same girls never had a close friend, so I can't really blame them for not understanding.

I still talk to some of my exes and so I feel that my past is my business, just like my future-girlfriend's past is her business. My future-girlfriend can ask she shall receive (to a degree), but I expect whoever I'm dating to respect me in such a way. And if I choose to talk to or see my ex, then I will, without my girlfriend's permission. Being as she is my girlfriend, she should respect me enough to trust me. If she has doesn't trust me then she probably doesn't trust herself, so the relationship will fall apart anyway. I once hung out with an ex and found my girlfriend at the time crying on her couch for hours, and I told her beforehand what I was doing and she was okay with it. She was so damn jealous of my ex for no reason, she thought I was going to cheat on her, well, she cheated on me in the end (projection).

To summarize; I find that being jealous shows serious insecurity and trying to cut-off or restrict someone that was a part of my girlfriend's life is just wrong. So, I'll let her do as she wishes, even if it's dinner with an ex, and I won't question her. Everyone knows when stuff like this gets to a point of disrespect, but making drastic decisions over contact with an ex seems a bit much.

The poster's circumstance was that he was giving his woman a huge reaction for what she was doing after such a short period. If he paid her no attention, I bet she would either stop or feel so bad about what she's doing she probably would've broken up with him. And if she continued to string him a long, well, he's better off without her.

I see both sides to this slapshot, you did provide a lot of points and I agree with them. Personally I feel as if the relationship was started with someone being friends with their ex, then sure I can understand them still being friends. But now, if it was a bad relationship(physical or emotional abuse) and then all of sudden they start talking and being secretive, that's a red flag to me.

Update here:

Well things got better... Right before they got worse. Went to her. Apologized for going through her things. Made love. Proposed marriage.

In bed we were talking of fantasies. She grabbed her cell phone and texted a younger man that she had indeed been intimate with. The younger man, who is in a committed relationship, texted back all kinds of sexual comments.

The next day Susan was again in the shower and this fellow started texting. I intercepted and let him know that it wasn't Susan that he was speaking with. He said that he couldn't believe that I knew of him and wasn't upset. What he didn't know was that I was indeed heart broken over the situation. He suggested a threesome. I told him that I loved Susan too much to do that.

I held it together just long enough to find out all of the dirty details, the parties involved. Including the man's address and his Wife's email address. Then I lost my stuff. I rattled Susan and Nick's cages so hard that they couldn't see straight. I emailed the guys wife too.

I don't really care if it's wrong to snoop or not. If the feelings there. Do it. I caught her in sooo many lies it wasn't even funny. What would life be like if I had married this lady based on her word and supposedly truthfulness.

I went through phone records, court papers, email accounts, Myspace, Facebook and EVEN found a match.com ad. She even has a separate email address for her dating sites. I was disgusted when I found out that she calls herself cougar@#$ in her ad profile. We all know what a cougar is right?

Sad thing is she is 43. A 26 year old man will get her nothing but lonely. Cougars live lonely and die lonely in nature.


Too boot she has Alcohol related convictions.

In my opinion. If the feeling is there and things don't add up the way they are supposed to be... SNOOP with a vengeance. I mean how else can you find out all of the important things that they dang sure won't tell you. If they are clean then hey awesome no harm done, but if they aren't... job well done. Just saved yourself lots of misery.

If the trust is gone... walk away. In snooping you only let yourself down, trust your instincts and walk away.


Glad you didn't end up unhappy (er)

Best of Luck

Stay out of relationships until you deal with your issues, as how can every relationship you have had, ended in cheating?

Something is wrong here, and you really need to figure it out, before you poison another one.

Yes the problem I think, is you. Sorry and not to be harsh, but do all your relationships start this fast, and furious, and end because you catch them at something??

3 in a row is not a coincidence.

Now Im thinking that the problem with me is not my insecurity but my choice of women and the way, like you said, I go too fast and furious into relationships.

Baywatch theme tune


Instinct is stronger than reason
It's just human nature to me
Don't you worry it's gonna be alright!

Wow, these lady is a first class b*tch. She puts the "ho" in homewrecker

Gdubyadubya disagrees: too many people feel that its "their insecutities" take time to find out. The stakes are too high not to know for sure.

What? Why are you disagreeing with me?

Because. Well in this circumstance the consequences of wrongness outweighed any other consideration.

If I had married this lady based on her word I would have a lifetime of misery ahead of me.

If I had followed my instincts and walked away without knowing for sure then there was the potential for my "insecurities" to have come in the way of true love.

Now that my insecurities were justified I can move on with great confidence. I now KNOW that I was correct in thinking. I don't have to second guess forever.

Ive read in this forum too many people in battle with themselves over insecurities. Don't let a crazy lover fool you into believing that the problem is with you. Look for yourself and make an exact informed decision.

Its knowing vs not knowing.

I agreed with you in previous posts. When I was self doubting and self blaming. Now all that is gone. Its not me. Im not the crazy insecure boyfriend. All is known and Im justified.

Closure... true absolute closer is so much worth the snooping. It so much beats a life long issue with misery, divorce, child support, lawyer fees, psycholigist visits and so on and so forth.

Do what you want, I think that suspicion won't help any relationship your in 'I'm a life long snooper from here on out'.. well I think you have a lot of misery to look forward to but that's my opinion and for your information a reddie is given for factually incorrect statements, not a difference of opinion. If you read the rules you'd see that.

Ah no worries my friend. Thanks for all of your considerations. Remember all is fair in love and war.

In relationships there are way too many variables to say that one thing is always right or wrong.

Anyway thanks again.

I'm sorry but I think she is cheating on you because your right if she has something to hide then you should be sucpicious... and my boyfriend did the same thing and it turned out that he was cheating on me..