Hi all,

I am a 21 year old woman who has been in a complex, yet wonderful relationship with a man who is 23 years old. We have been together for 16 months... although it has been on/off at times. Now when I say the relationship is complex, it is because we are both south asian, but of very different opposing religions. We love each other insanely, but our love is one that our families would not approve of. We basically, could never be together forever.

Anyway, I have been quite down over the past few days because my boyfriend has gone away overseas for two months to get involved in some charity work. He left a few days ago and I have been missing him terribly. Now, I know his email password, although he doesn't know that I do. I just happen to know, because he uses the same password for everything. Even so, I never ever have gone into his emails. However, for some reason I decided to go into his inbox today, I don't know why... I think it's just because I miss him a lot.

Once I'd signed on, everything seemed perfectly fine... until I came to a bit of mail from September 2008 that was from a gay dating site. It was a password reminder request. I immediately thought nothing of it; my guy is a very typical kind of guy, he's into very (dare I say it) 'straight' things, and I have never ever had reason to think that he could be gay. So I just assumed that it must have been a joke of some kind, that either he was playing on a friend, or someone was playing on him. So I ignored it at first. But then I couldn't help myself... and I logged into this gay dating site account of his.

What I saw shocked me. There were two new messages from last month, one saying "i thought we were meant to meet up?", and another saying "I've sent u so many messages, when are we meeting?". When I went further into his messages, I found some other old saved messages... one which really freaked me out saying "I can't meet you tonight, I have work in the morning, but call me". Others were communicating where they were from, and their telephone numbers. His profile states that he is bi and looking for 1-to-1 or group sex.

So I began to think, OK... he is just a curious guy. But then I saw an account logbook type thing, which said he's logged in 56 times, and sent around 79 messages to other users in total.

I am soooo distraught, I don't know what to do. I thought I knew my guy, but clearly I've been clueless to his second life. I can't prove that he has been sleeping with men, but it does seem that way. What do I do? It's tough because he is away for 2 months, and I don't want to disturb his trip. At the same time, I don't want to confront him, because I was so wrong to have gone in his emails in the first place. Another thought is, should I just walk away.. Like I said at the start, we can't stay together forever, so perhaps I should just leave without a word? And what if I am totally wrong about him being gay? Maybe he is just curious?

Please give me your opinions, I would be so grateful.

Xx

Get yourself checked for disease right away.

Yes, that is one of the first things I thought... I am visiting a clinic first thing in the morning.

Did you ask him about it ?

Did you ask him about it ?

No, he is away for 2 months, doing charity aid, and only left two days ago. I would normally ask, but I don't feel right doing so while he's on such an important trip.

I would confront him. You have every right to know. He is putting you at risk.

Well your very calm and understanding. I don't know if I would be able to be.

This relationship is over, so it's up to you walk away or confront him but either way you can't continue in the relationship.

I'd confront him, but that's just me.

You have enough evidence to do the right thing for yourself... dissapear from his life!

Thank you all, I will definitely confront him... but if that will be now or after his trip, I don't know. I think I will have to see how I feel. But it is very true, he is putting me in danger. I am so fearful that it won't be the end of us though.

It is and has to be the end of you. He lied to you and cheated on you. This is unacceptable.

I am so fearful that it won't be the end of us though.

That would be up to you.

It is and has to be the end of you. He lied to you and cheated on you. This is unacceptable.

I really hate to sound like I am defending him, but I don't actually know if he has cheated on me for sure. I just know that he is up to something.

Also, this is going to sound sooo damn childish, but I just spoke to him on the phone briefly, and asked if he has ever slept with anyone else but me since we've been together... I said that I am going to the clinic tomorrow, and that if he needed to tell me anything, he should tell me now. He swore on my life, his mothers, brothers, fathers and family's life that he has never slept with anybody else but me since we have been together.

Like I said, I don't want to seem like I am defending him but he would never say that unless he meant it because he cherishes his family so much.

Nevertheless, I will still confront him... I just need to figure out how and when.

Well best of Luck.

So I began to think, OK... he is just a curious guy. But then I saw an account logbook type thing, which said he's logged in 56 times, and sent around 79 messages to other users in total.


Ask him about what you found!

He's definitely Bi and hasn't been upfront about it to you.

There certainly is a possibility that he hasn't yet slept with a guy, but the kind of curiosity that would drive him to start an account and send that many messages? That's a pretty strong curiosity, and it doesn't bode well for your relationship. I would confront him with what you found and end things now. If his "bi" feelings are this strong, he's going to experiment sooner or later. This isn't something that just goes away.

Good luck...

Being bi doesn't make you a cheater, being a liar does.

He lied. That's the bottom line.

Don't be so non chalant about this... YOU SHOULD BE FREAKING OUT! What's wrong with you girl?? You've just discovered your man is cheating on you with multiple men and is on a gay dating site to have group sex! Do you think he hasn't already had group sex?? Do you think you immune to AIDS?? You have justifiable reason in the world to disppear from this man and death for this man is even considerable to me... ( I DO NOT THINK YOU SHOULD KILL HIM)... But I'm sure in some countries death penalty would be considered.

Every step forward you make should be mad with the ultimate goal of leaving this man and finding out if you have STD's. When he comes back you should confront him one time and bring the wrath of hell on him then leave lhim officially. He seriously doesn't even deserve to be able to date.

Wow, thank you guys. I am so so thankful for all your responses. It's amazing how sometimes you have to turn to strangers for advice! Thank you.

I think I was so numb last night, and was trying so hard to think of excuses and reasonable explanations. But the bottom line is that he is lying badly, and that in itself is awful... more so is the fact that hehas kept me so in the dark about his sexuality.

The hardest part is waiting for him to come back to I can end this . I am so tempted to end it sooner, but I know he had been waiting his whole life for this particular trip so I would feel terrible to ruin it (I don't know WHYYY I care so much!! ).

Also, I've just checked his inbox... 3 new messages asking when they're going to meet. I feel disgusting.

[QUOTE=jazz8701;1551948]


The hardest part is waiting for him to come back to I can end this . I am so tempted to end it sooner, but I know he had been waiting his whole life for this particular trip so I would feel terrible to ruin it (I don't know WHYYY I care so much!! ).
[QUOTE]


Excuse my french but "f" him and his trip! You should mess that up for him seriously. The probabillty that he's messed up you life forever with an STD like aids is so high... unless you 2 have been having protected sex the enitre relationship... but still that's not 100% safe. You need to really sit down and think about the reality of this situation. This is no time to be waiting orcaring about his feelings for gods sake. He doesn't care about you, your relationships sexual purity, your relationship, or even your health. Mess that trip up lgirl He deserves it for being such a MONSTER.

I really hate to sound like I am defending him, but I don't actually know if he has cheated on me for sure. I just know that he is up to something.

Also, this is going to sound sooo damn childish, but I just spoke to him on the phone briefly, and asked if he has ever slept with anyone else but me since we've been together.... I said that I am going to the clinic tomorrow, and that if he needed to tell me anything, he should tell me now. He swore on my life, his mothers, brothers, fathers and family's life that he has never slept with anybody else but me since we have been together.

Like I said, I don't want to seem like I am defending him but he would never say that unless he meant it because he cherishes his family so much.

Nevertheless, I will still confront him.... I just need to figure out how and when.

He's lying. The emails have already told you the truth. You can't believe anything he says. You don't need anymore eveidence. You'll never know for sure whether he did or didn't. Your safest bet would be to say he did and get out of this relationship. Because whether he did or didn't cheat... HE WILL EVENTUALLY.

I think YOU have to own up to him about what you have read on HIS email, Then He has to be as honest-the two of you will then hopefully get real with each other and you can decide whether the relationship is worth this kind of secrecy/nonsense that goes on behind BOTH of your backs.

I would just like to point out that no matter WHICH gender he cheats with, AIDS is equally possible.

Just because he's having sex with men doesn't make AIDS any MORE likely.

Either way--you're an idiot if you keep believing his lies. Either way, you both know this relationship wasn't going to be forever, so just end it now and be done with it.

PS--Do you really feel good about yourself for being a snoop? Come clean with him about that.

Some up to date statistics are needed. But infection rates in America are 3 times (male to male sexual transmission) than that of heterosexual transmission. Given that only 10% of the population is gay, I would say there is much more of a chance of her partner getting aids from his affair than if it were with a woman or even a woman drug user. With that said, your point is a good one in that no matter who he is cheating with, there is a chance of STD and all can be devastating.

Good point... not accurate statistics.

Jazz, it's as if the word "denial" was created just for you.

I'm not going to advise you on what to do, not because I think you have an important choice to make, but because that choice has already been made for you. This is not the guy you want to spend your precious time on. Forget about the idea that you're going to marry him and life happily ever after. This is a nightmare, not a fairy tale. You know the saying, "i trust him as far as i can throw him"? Well, he's the type you throw. Forget about trusting him.

Maybe it's because you are just young and unbelievably naïve, but what boggles my mind is that you're looking at evidence upon evidence upon evidence and questioning all of it because he *told* you over the phone that he's honest. Do you see what's wrong with this picture?

From your description, your guy is religious, right? Well, I'm guessing that he's so ashamed of this side of who he is and what he does that he can't even begin to admit it out loud to himself, so you can forget about him admitting it out loud to you.

You need to take care of yourself. The fact that any part of you was willing to accept these behaviors tells me that you have some issues that you need to work on, and figuring out what those things are and how to get rid of them is something a good therapist would be able to help you with.

The idea that you would waste two more minutes, let alone two months, waiting for this guy to come back from his trip so that you can bake him a welcome home cake and break up with him is totally ridiculous.

Do you need a plan? Take whatever he has in your house and box it. Move on with your life. Stop worrying about what's best for him. He certainly wasn't thinking about what was best for you, was he? Stop using him as a false crutch. Enough with the denial. Kick this dangerous guy out of your life. Go and get tested. It's not easy, but it's better that you found out about it now rather than years from now. I wish you luck.

Guess it seems like he preffers to play the flute, rather than just dance the bop.

How would you know that he is having sex with guys? That's the question stuck in my head for this. You had seen WORDS that he is Bi,and he may be CURIOUS,so he prob hasn't done anything yet.

But then again,he will be away from you for two months,so you won't know what he is doing there?

If you find out that you have anything wrong with you,then you will know what he has been doing.

Don't confront him that you have been checking his emails. Just be like ' I have been thinking this past few days about everything. I just want to know if you have been honest in our relationship,and is being truthful'... and if he says yes,then you know he's lying.

Sorry you are going through this,and good luck.

How would you know that he is having sex with guys? Thats the question stuck in my head for this. You had seen WORDS that he is Bi,and he may be CURIOUS,so he prob hasn't done anything yet.

I think you bring in a valid question here. What got me were all of those emails about meeting up, not being available that night, etc.. At least, that's my understanding of the situation. If he hasn't had sex, he's gotten awfully close, emotionally or physically. It's a sex site, not a friendship site. Also, the wording of the emails was styled the way people who have already had contact would write. It sounds like he's still receiving emails from these guys (not one guy, but a number of guys) while he's on this trip, which might even mean that they usually meet up at that time during the week. It's definitely on the lines of cheating anyway, with all of these messages likely based on some level of intention to go beyond the boundaries of their relationship, or to flat out have an affair... or lots of different affairs. From those numbers, it also sounds like this has been going on for months. It's not like he hasn't done anything wrong. All of those things are wrong for the other party involved, as in his girlfriend. Here's the rule: if you would do something, could you also do it in front of your significant other's face? He's hiding all of this, and it's for a good reason: so he doesn't get caught. Any way you look at it, he's not exactly a trustworthy guy.

If you want to ruin a fun relationship, then *be a snoop*.

I guess you just learned this the hard way.

It's over, girl. He loves to be with others. :)


Best wishes in the future. You are sadder but wiser, but remember, you know so much more about relationships with men. Knowledge is power. :)

Don't let your eyes fool you. Open them up and see him for what he really is. His profile don't lie.

How would you know that he is having sex with guys? Thats the question stuck in my head for this. You had seen WORDS that he is Bi,and he may be CURIOUS,so he prob hasn't done anything yet.

But then again,he will be away from you for two months,so you won't know what he is doing there?

If you find out that you have anything wrong with you,then you will know what he has been doing.

Don't confront him that you have been checking his emails. Just be like ' I have been thinking this past few days about everything. I just want to know if you have been honest in our relationship,and is being truthful'... and if he says yes,then you know he's lying.

Sorry you are going thru this,and good luck.
Just having a membership there raises suspicion but if that was all its possible he hasn't done anything... or it it was a handful of messages... but if he had a LOT of messages like you stated that had back and forth communication I find it hard to assume he hasn't done anything. Lacking back and forth emails then you could assume maybe he hasn't. Places like that generate automatic messages to get traffic going... you have to be able to tell the difference between those and real communications.

In the end, even if he is just talking about sex with other people, men or women - he is being unfaithful, sneaking behind your back, and betraying you.

Good luck in what ever you do:)

a few issues here.

1) you brought up concerns about your incompatibilities tied to your families and acceptance. Not the main topic, but you felt a need to disclose this, so here it is.

2) you went through his email without his permission and, it seems from your description, without any reason to suspect there were concerns

3) he is actively, it seems, at the very least role playing and at worst active in cheating

point one... I'm all for respecting the traditions and beliefs of a loves extended family. Then again, I'm not exactly thinking if my lovers father would approve when I'm going down on her. You say you can never be together. Do you believe that in your heart? That's not any kind of judgement. Its an honest question. In your mind, do you believe you could be with him, when family is considered, long term... even if all else was "right"?

concerning your going through his account. Mixed feelings here. Intuition? Don't know. I found out a lover was cheating on me one night after shed called me over late at night for a "quick fix"... while she was in the shower I saw a notebook by her bed and looked at it. I didn't think there was any problem or issue. Certainly wasn't snooping to catch her. Turns out shed had a date that very night, sex didn't work out with this other guy, and she called me over to get her off after he couldn't. Shed journaled about it not long before calling me over, knowing id gladly please her. Talk about an unexpected turn of events. So... I can't smack your hands too hard and tell you "bad girl!"...

I believe a mates privacy should be respected... but when you stumble upon something clearly damning, the end starts to justify the means.

so... wish you hadn't peeked at his things... but you found what you found. This means, most likely, that you aren't going to be able to trust him, and that you are going to be tortured... wondering if sneeking is "right" or "wrong"... not a fun place to be.

third... best case scenario is he is just playing into online flirting, role playing. Worst case is he is acitve outside the relationship, meaning you don't know your exposure.

at this point, you need to consider him, at the very least, bi curious and interested in talking to other interests.

ask yourself this... would it be worse or any different if there were emails from one woman? Or more? Does the sexual nature matter here?

a friend I know, in a similar, but not same, situation would hang back and keep on gathering info... looking in from the shadows. I don't have the patience for that. I like clean cuts. I think he is very possibly out of bounds based on the emails, even if its not proof.

does "meeting" mean they physically met? Or does it mean they met online?

or does it even matter?

and don't think for one moment that a person can't seek out others, whether on a charity mission or not.

if you feel like you need to face him to end this "correctly", fine. Again, while I don't condone snooping through a lovers personal files... were I in your spot, id sure as hell probably stay back in the shadows and watch for a time.

sorry you are where you are. My situation was different, but I've been in a similar place... feeling like I unwittingly discovered something I never thought would be there, and being "glad", no matter how much it tore me apart, to know reality after its random discovery.

This is typical. In fact, it happened to me too. I found online Craigslist gay ads on my fiance's computer. After watching this site for two weeks and learning the lingo I decided to post an ad in the M4M section impersonating a gay man who was in town for two weeks with a fiancé. Within an hour, my guy saw the ad and began to respond. He asked me (as the gay encounter) to meet him in the Mens Room at Starbucks. I ran to Starbucks and parked myself outside the men's room. He showed up, on time holding what I requested him to bring. I had no idea that my guy was living with this secret. We shared EVERYTHING and had an amazing relationship. I am a mess and have lost the zest that I once had for all that is good and pure in a relationship. Wounded like an animal in a trap. Attrition of my soul.

This thread is from over a year ago. Please watch dates when responding.

Thread closed.