Hey guys,

I hope you can provide some advice for me here. I recently got out of a 6 month relationship with a girl. We had grown to be really good friends, and we had a lot in common, but things fell apart for us in the last month of our relationship, a lot of fighting, and that led to us not really even talking or seeing each other for that last month - it put a lot of distance between us. It's been about 2 weeks now since the official breakup (pretty much a mutual breakup). To be honest, I really didn't even care or give it a second thought when we broke up, just went about my day. Maybe I didn't love her as much as I thought I did? Anyway, for the most part, I'm over the relationship, but there have been a few times where I have thought about the good times we had, and her great qualities, and considered contacting her to get back together, even though I know its not what she wants (and probably not what I would really want either). I've recently met a new girl, who I have a lot in common with, and she has a great career and personality, but I don't know if I'm really ready to start anything up. I don't want to throw away what could potentially be a great opportunity because of the uneasiness. Also, I should note, that before I started dating my ex, I dated a girl for 5 years, and after we had broken up, it took me a year to get over that. I feel like I had wasted a lot of time getting over her and missed a lot of opportunities, and don't want that to happen again. Anyway, I'm looking for advice or for someone who has been in a similar position.

By the way I'm 25

First why the fighting? And would it continue? What the hell were you fighting about. Do you want to fight with this gal for the next 10 years?

Can the issues be worked out? Fighting is not a good sign - especially if you couldn't work it out. If lead to a brea kthat easily - then somethinf was majorly worng.

"...and for the most part, im over the relationship, but there have been a few times where I have thought about it, and considered contacting her to get back together, even though I know its not what she wants."

What you said here tells me that you are not over the relationship yet, but you are definitely handling it very well. My suggestion is to definitely go out and date, but don't get into a serious relationship until you stop having thoughts of getting back together. I'm afraid that if you get into a serious relationship now it might end up being a rebound relationship, which will just create problems in the long run. Just take it slow, you shouldn't be in a rush to get into a relationship. Go out and date, have fun, and in the process clear your head.

Wildcat: well the fights really stemmed from issues I was having with her. She was very unavailable emotionally, didn't like to barely ever see me (wouldve just rather talked on the phone), and didn't make me a priority. It basically ended when she said that she didn't feel like putting in the effort to change.. and this bothered me quite a bit. Personally, I don't think these issues could be worked out, because they were a problem since day 1, and I've told her that in the past, but nothing has changed.

Confused: you you are probably right, I always have the tendency to go into relationships with the intention of it being a long lasting one. I've had numerous people tell me that this is the wrong approach, that I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I probably should take things a little slower. Thanks!

Well... personally - sounds like she did you a favor.

I would NOT call her - the only way she will cahnge is if she misses you and is willing to change.

You don't want to be with her.

"wrong approach, that im setting myself up for disappointment"

That's huge - PLUs if you let that person know it - it pusshes them away - there is no mystery - she wants to chase you a little bit.

Sounds like you SURRENDER way too soon. There always should be some mystery and doubt.

They are part of your life - NOT your life. You need to be HAPPY with them or without them. No question.

Yeah dude just take it slow. You obviously seem like a guy who doesn't have trouble getting women to take notice, so don't worry about passing up opportunities. Just date and have fun! :cool:

This is what I hear: The ending of the 5 year relationship and subsequent year of grief (which is totally normal) caused you to rush the six month one, which directly caused it to end, so you are now into two week girl and maybe rushing more and wondering about back tracking to save time. EEK!

The surest way to guarantee you either don't end up with someone or worse, you end up with someone you don't want is to get rushed or desperate about it. If your life isn't satisfying AS IS without the girl, then the balance will be totally off when the girl shows up.

You need to seriously acknowledge to yourself that the kind of loss you experienced may happen again -- there are no guarantees in life -- and that the time spent grieving the loss was not wasted but a natural part of being human. Girlfriends are not goals, they are people. Maybe then you can slow down! :p

Wildcat: you're definitely right about that. In the past, I've tended to be a huge pushover in terms of relationships. I also tend to plan a future way to early. And I don't think that approach has worked for me well.. I guess I have to maintain that aura of mystery for a while, as you've said

Confused: haha thanks for the confidence.. I don't know, to be honest I'm a really shy type of guy and I have problems approaching women. In fact, all of the girls I've dated pretty much made the first move on me, I guess I've been lucky thus far, lol. But you, I understand what you are saying.. I just need to get out and have fun and stop being feeling so miserable about my ex...

Valinors: I'm not going out with this new girl yet. I know she's interested, but we haven't gone out as of yet. But yes, you're right, after all the failed relationships, I'm trying not to go in with the mentality that it is going to work for sure. I'm not going to try and make it work for just the sake of making it work. I had just felt that year was a waste, as it was my last year of university, and I couldve met a lot of girls with similar interests. Now that I've graduated, I'm finding it much harder to find people similar to myself!

It is good that you are giving up the "make it work no matter what" goal approach, very good!

I see where you are hung up. You are telling yourself it's a lot harder to meet girls out in the real world as opposed to college. And by it being harder, you've narrowed your chances. And by narrowing your chances you've up the odds of being stuck alone. And therein lies the engine to all the rushing.

But here is the real deal. For the person with the good life and the right attitude and the open, willing but not needy heart, there is NO time that is any harder or easier for romance. There are lots of folks here that can back that statement up with their personal experience too. So don't be telling yourself that lie and end up going down the desperation path. That is all I meant in my first post.

It's a really unattractive thing to hear someone say, "Well, I would be all set for love if my crappy ex hadn't dumped me at the worst possible time and therefore caused me to miss my best possible chance at it." Ugh! Do you know how many girls that will chase off? They will write you off as having a chip on his shoulder, and for being stuck in the past and quick to blame others when I don't think you want to be like that... not really.

Frankly the girl of your dreams will probably be impressed that you took that year you still are claiming is a waste and had you blown off that previous relationship easily, the girl of your dreams might be (rightfully) leary of you. Consider that in the equation too. Some dream girls take a little longer to show up-- you need to quit thinking of anything as "late". I hope that helps clarify it.

Hmmm. Some self confidence problems - you get attached to these women because they show a little interest.

Do you truly love yourself? You have to love yourself first - then others can love you.

valinor: yes, you are defintely right about everything you said. Its almost like you climbed into my brain and was telling me how I was feeling.. I appreciate the advice =)

wildcat: yes, I do think I have self confidence problems. I never had a lot of luck with girls until I was about 18 or so, I was very geeky before then. After I turned 18, I changed my image quite a bit (alot of friends describe me as a metrosexual now, haha), and, not to seem conceided, really have a lot to offer. I am actually very happy with myself, but that lack of confidence growing up I think has really stuck with me a little all these years.

"metrosexual" - get rid of that. You'll always be in the friend zone.

I have to admit this :o but what the h-e-double hockey sticks is "metrosexual"?
It sounds like someone who can only have sex on commuter trains or something?? :eek: LOL

Haha a metrosexual is a guy that takes his appearance very seriously, wears really nice clothes, does their hair really well. Actually, here is the wikipedia defn: "Metrosexuality is, the trait of an urban male of any sexual orientation who has a strong aesthetic sense and spends a great amount of time and money on his appearance and lifestyle"

Uhh I'm going through a phase atm where I have the urge to call the ex. Is it normal to think, at least at this point, that there won't be anyone out there as good as her for me? I know that's not the case, but I keep thinking that any girl I go out with just won't be the same. I remember having these feelings before with a previous girlfriend, but I'm feeling it again now..

= gay. If you want to come across that way. Trithfully - it's a women's word that says you act very gay. I am totally open person... but have always felt it was a put down word by women.

Women don't want metrosexual... belive me.

Slow your train down and stop seeing a female for a relationship on the first date. At least get to know them first and just because they come on to you don't assume that she's the one for life. You really should not enter into a relationship until you learn how to appreciate the fun of dating and getting to know someone first.

6 months really isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things. You gave it a try and it didn't work out. You don't need to pass up any opportunities, just take things slow and easy (which I'm sure you already know.) Move forward steadily but slow. Don't give your past relationships a second thought unless you learned something useful from them. As for myself, rarely if ever did I actually learn something useful from a breakup because I always came to the realization that it wasn't anything I said or did.

Well guys,

I'm kind of in a little dilemma here. If you read my other thread, I had recently broken up with a ex of 6 months, and am getting back into the swing of things. I met this girl who I really like, but I'm very intimidated by her. You see, all my previous gf's were younger, more immature, and that is one thing I couldn't stand about them, and I swore would never go out with a girl like that again. Now I've met a girl who is 2 years older than me (27), has an incredible job (while I'm getting started out), she has a more wild sexual side (which I'm not accustomed to, but that I like), and more experience than me, has anyone ever dealt with a situation like this?

Do not let this intimidate you.
Go with it. She will help you in ways you can't imagine.
Yourself confidence will go up and you will have an easier life.
You never now she just might be the one.

Its not the age just enjoy it but go slow. Yeah it looks good but still no reason to rush into something you may not be ready for. Get to know her first. I hope you've got it together enough that you bring something to the table other than your body. As Wilcat always says she is part of your life not your life. Slow is the key, sex is great but still communicate.

Just go for it! Have as much fun as you possibly can and don't stop until you are either dead or paralized! Do not feel intimidated in the least. Just be the big stud you know you are and make her scream for mercy! Older women rule!!

I can't say that I've dealt with a situation like that before but it does sound like this person is different from all of your others so if you're looking to break past patterns it may be the kind of change you're looking for. Give it a try and see how it works out. I can't guarantee that you'll like the results and things my not be what you'd initially expect but you need to see for yourself.

Yeah - go slow... no crash and burn... don't be available all the time to this women... don't be her lap dog - it's easy to do.

Just with it - be yourself. Make her laugh - tease her - just because she's older doesn't mean she's in control.

Hey guys, this is a follow-up to (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/advice-about-mature-girl-31677.html) thought I would drop in with a little update.. so, we went out today and made out for a bit afterwards, and had a really great time. Like I said before, she is 27, gorgeous, parents are very well off. She seems very down to earth, likes relaxing at home and spending a bit of time with friends, but not a party girl either, so I'm getting a lot of mixed signals. It seems also that she expects a lot sexually, which to be honest, is making me very nervous. She herself has recently got out of a long term relationship, and is looking to start another long term relationship. All of my ex-gf's were younger than me, and immature, and its very difficult for me to adapt to this adjustment, she seems on a totally out of my league and on a different level than me. Personally, I really don't see what she sees in me, I mean, I'm only starting in my career, I'm good looking but not a model or anything, so I'm feeling very insecure about the whole thing. I really don't know what to do tbh! I don't know if there is a future there. I mean, there are so many great qualities about her, but certain things make me think that she wouldn't stay with me in the long run. I would love to casually date her and see where things go, as I'm also trying a different approach from my ex'es (me being all over them and making future plans right away), but I don't want to hurt her. Basically, I feel uneasy about things right now, and I don't know if its because of a new relationship, because I miss the comfort of the old relationship, because she isn't the type of girl I'm used to, or something else. I don't really know how to put it, I think things feel a little uncertain, whereas with my ex'es, things always felt right off the bat, perhaps because they were younger (even though things never worked out). I don't know if there is something wrong with me or something, as I'm sure most guys would kill to be in my situation, but I just really need some advice because I'm so confused!!

Lots going on here

How long has she been out of this 9 year relationship. If it has only just ended and she is looking for a new long term relationship right away, that would be the first red flag buddy.

She can't honestly just end a 9 year relationship and look to start a new one again straight away. And if she can then I wouldn't be letting her do it with me.

You seem to have some self confidence issues though. Don't second guess yourself all the time. It might be that she just likes you. You think?

Personally from your posts I don't think you are ready for a relationship right now. I think you need to work on yourself for a while and learn to love yourself on your own. Not love the person you think you have to be in a relationship with a women like this.

If you want to pursue things with her though I suggest you go VERY VERY SLOW here. As you say, just casually date her. Get to know her properly. And if that hurts her then too bad for her. You aren't doing anything wrong. She is if she can't accept you needing to take it slow.

Communicate with her. Talk to her about some of these issues. Tell her you need to take it slow and only want to date casually for a while. And if something comes of it then well and good.

But right now I suggest you looking after you. Working on yourself and not getting so worked up over this.

Id also be worrie about her 9 year relationship and how long ago that ended. If it is within 12 months or so id be very cautious you aren't just some rebound toy boy for her!

Good luck!

Just jump in.
Hold on tight and see where it takes you.
Everyone told me me and my wife are completely different people.
But look at us now 8 years of marriage and two kids and we are happy.
If you a worried about pleasing her sexualy then I would suggest you start reading books about it.

I can truly say I have no regrets about my life live it the way you want and always have fun.

Do not let past relationships cloud your judgement. Maybe you are ready for a mature relationship.
Remember opposites do attract.

If you do want to take it slow fine do it then but remmember. Some people make quick decsions and you really do not want to be left behind.

Dude read what you wrote. You really need to work on your self-confidence. I mean no disrespect, but a person like you is not ready for a serious relationship. Before you are ready to love someone, you need to love yourself... yeah kind of a cheesy line but it's the truth.

Just take it slow with this girl and above all have fun. Also, find out how long it has been since her last relationship. You don't want to end up being a rebound. Even though she says she is ready she may not be so just get to know her. Remember, just because she is older then you it doesn't mean she is very mature. She is only 27 and could still have a lot of growing up to do. Really, its best you just take things slow, if she really digs you then she will actually like chasing you a bit. For now just date.

As for the whole sex thing, well I would say don't be nervous, just try reading some books as another user suggested. I honestly don't think she will mind if you are not very sexually experienced, she may actually enjoy teaching you a few tricks, which in the end makes it a win-win situation :D (Oh but if you are uncomfortable and you want to wait until marriage or something along those lines then let her know or find someone else.)

Keep us posted!

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the advice a lot. We had talked about it, and we are going to take things really slow, as I still think she needs to get over her ex, as she doesn't want me to feel/be a rebound and neither does she. I know its easier said than done in the heat of the moment, but I really have to try and keep it slow for the time, and I think she understands and respects that. In terms of the sex, I know what I'm doing with making out/oral, in fact a lot of my ex's loved those things about me, but I haven't had a ton of intercourse in my life. She is always saying how sex is such an important part of the relationship, and how she has a high sex drive, so obviously I'm really really nervous about being able to please her in that manner. I actually asked her today what she sees in me vs her ex who was established and older, and she just really appreciates that I'm and honest and treat her well. And you're right, I do have self confidence issues for sure (because of my past), and I think its affected my past relationships as well, but I hope me getting my career started and maybe moving out soon will help that. Its funny, I was telling my buddy that it feels like I'm graduating from dating girls to women, and it is a huge adjustment for me. I guess I need to just take one day at a time, and see how things turn out, its just difficult for me, as I'm the type of person that likes to plan and have things worked out (but look where that has got me!)

OKay then.

work on your confidence. Relaise that you are good enough for her but take it REAL REAL SLOW here.

Im just worried about the whole 9 year relationship ending.

I'm just out of a 7 year one and there is no way in this world that I could even think about another relationship right now.

In fact I'm dating a nice girl at the moment but I just can't get into it in that sense. I'm not ready.

I'm still healing.

and if she isn't still healing in some sort of way you have to question her values.

so have fun and enjoy the ride, YES. But also don't be too blinde to some important issues that you need to look at that may save you more hurt down the track!

Dude, forget about the past and move ahead. If you can balance being honest and treating her right with ride hard and put em' away wet, then your on your way from boy to man. Stop worrying about who you were and concentrate on who you are now and enjoy life to the fullest. The only one who can stop you from enjoying life and getting what you want... is YOU!

It sounds like things are going well and you're handling it well so far. As said before, just take things slow and easy. You don't want to end up being a rebound relationship. Don't worry about hurting her ; just always do what's right for you. If she begins to push things then discuss all of your concerns with her in a matter-of-fact manner just like you've been doing here.

Hello guys,

I posted here a few weeks ago when I needed advice about an older girl I had started seeing. I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do. Over the past few weeks, things between me and this girl have gotten really serious. I know its only been a few weeks, but we both feel like we've never been in a relationship like this before - we both clicked immediately, have so much fun together, are so comfortable together (like we've been together forever) and I've never met anyone like her before. Honestly, I've been the happiest I've ever been in my entire life, and happier with her than I ever was with my ex'es (including one that I dated for 5 years), and she also feels the same way. However, a couple of weeks before we started going out, she had got out of a 9 year relationship with a guy who had cheated on her for the last 2 years of their relationship (I knew this going into the relationship with her). He has been contacting her on and off (as they still have some business to take care of). I told her from the beginning that I would help her get through this, but as of late, I think it has been getting to her. She has no desire to go back with him, but obviously still has some feelings for that relationship as it was so long. I know she wants to be with me, but she says that she needs a little time to herself to sit and absorb things. This is very difficult for me, as my last relationship ended similarly (with needing some time to think), although with us there was nothing really left to save, and its hard for me to wait around for her. She told me to give her a week to think things over, but I'm having a really difficult time with this. I know, I know, its only been a couple of weeks, but I really feel there is something special between us, and she is worth it, but I need some advice for people that have gone through this, and if it is even worth it..

GIVE HER THE SPACE DUDE!! For the love of god!!

Sit back and do other things. Don't contact her her - trust me!! Let her be.

A lot of women run hot and cold - trust me!! Always.

During this period - let HER contact you only. And don't always pick up.

I have a feeling you started this relationship WAY too fast. SLOW DOWN!! SLOW DOWN!!

DO you want to be with her for the next few months at least?? Or have break by the end of the week??

Leave her alone - she'll contact you. She may need time to miss you, think about you.

Do not show insecurities like calling gal lthe time, e-mailing, texting. Quit it.

Be busy doing gother things!!

You need to slow this train down man. Whoa... It is going way to fast and it will eventually derail.

Trust everyone here. They will say the same thing. Slow down.

You know why? Because we see it time and again. People rushing, showing insecurites, just flat out maing each other their life. They all end in pain.

Please just try and step back a little. It doesn't mean being rude or not nice. It just means finding some other time for yourself. Hang with your mates. Be busy.

Please listen though for your own benefit.

PLus as I said in your original thread. I have MASSIVE fears about her 9 year relationship. NINE YEARS!! WOW.

That is so long and to go straight into a relationship 2 week laters is massive red flag for mine. As big as it can get.

Im just out of 7 yearer and there is no way in this world I could go into another relationship right now. I have met girls that would be a dream to be with but just cant. Not ready. I have to pull back form them because I'm just not into it.

I fear you are a rebound and they rarely work. Sorry to say that but it is just my opinion.

Especially a rebound relationship that is heading this fast!

When you rush into a relationship like this you often become blind to so many red flags.

I think this is the case here!

You think everything is so great because you are caught in the lust. But really there isn't much more than just that. Lust.

Skell I s right - she probably enjoyed and needed the attention in the beginning... but now it's probably getting a little annoying... give her space!!

This 9 year Dude is trouble for you... watch out. He has to have something over her for her to put up with cheating. No one should put up wit hcheaters.



GIVE HER SPACE DUDE!!

I'd give her the time she needs. You want her to have the opportunity to sort things out for herself before she gets involved in any kind of relationship with you. Back off and give her the space. Meanwhile get on with your life. Let her see that you don't need her. Sure you want her but you can survive just as well without her. She needs to see that. That'll make her want you and make her realize that she has to work to keep you. That's how you want it, don't settle for anything less.

Forgive me, I don't know if I can take reading these anymore and not say something uncharacteristically sarcastic. Bites my tongue.

It stands to reason that IF you get involved with someone who hasn't given themselves enough of a break or isn't completely clear of the last relationship, or if YOU are that person yourself, then everyone is going to get what that gets you... Lots of jumping in too fast, confusion, total fantasy-based bliss, back and forth insecurities, taking ill conceived breaks (ugh), desperate moves to save yourself from heart ache and major drama over that weeks-old relationship of the century!

And when it fails... and it will fail... you will then have even more reason to jump into the next relationship that much faster because now you are on a mission from God to prove to yourself and at least one other person (who cares who THAT is) how really lovable you really are.

This is beyond give it space or slow it down. You really need to have your head examined to see if your brain is engaged at all here.

It really does work this way so deal with it or it will deal with you.

Val,

Exactly the point I was trying to make in this posters original thread.

There is no way known that this girl has had enough time to get over a 9 year relationship. And if she has then I would be asking some serious questions about her personality and character.

So many red flags here.

You still have your issues to deal with. You won't do this with her.

But I don't hink you will listen here because you are blinded by the lust, infatuation etc that this relationship has brought.

If you find it too hard to listen to us (I can understand that as sometimes we need to make our own mistakes) and not address some serious issues here then I think it is destined to fail. And you will be hurt again and have more issues. Maybe you'll prove us wrong but I highly doubt it!

Good luck!

I sure hope the OP will read and reread these comments since basically they all say the same thing. I will add that the posters life is so out of balance a relationship with anyone is impossible even with himself. What do you call a relationship where two people are on the rebound? (double drivel) Okay seriously since they both ran together after long relationships they should both slow down and be doing other things in there life to enjoy themselves and let the healing process work. Its to bad needadvice6 can't see that this young lady is not ready for him as she is still in the past trying to deal with the hole in her heart after a 9 year relationship. He thinks everything is going fine because he still has blinders on from his own break-up. You can't have a relationship being needy or blinded by the pain of the past. Not a healthy one anyway.

You find yourself in a pretty confusing and painful situation and let me tell you first off, I feel for you. But, if you knew from the start she was coming off a 9 year relationship with someone who abused her (cheating for 2 years is definitely abusive), then you must have felt you needed her even more than she needed you. To go into a relationship with someone in that state of mind you must have had some kind of forecast that she was going to be grateful, needy, clingy, but I think you chose to see that as loving and "comfortable" and you were in need of that too at the time, that's why you clicked so well.

In any case, I agree totally with all of the previous posts. Believe me when I tell you that she does have intentions of going back to this guy, bad news or not. Silly girl actually believes it's going to be different this time. You have to start thinking with your brain and not your heart. Your brain should tell you that any person, no matter how much affection they felt for someone, would not return to someone who cheated for 2 years. 2 years. Not cheated twice, but cheated for 24 months! Common sense should tell you that no one should sit and wait to see if they are the chosen one. Move on. A 9 year relationship is hard to get past, and she hasn't decided to do that yet. To be honest, I think it would benefit you most to just not contact her or anyone else for a while. Get yourself together so that the next time you meet a gal, your head will be in the right place.

You knew writing this post what you needed to do, but you're trying to find someone out there who will tell you to be romantic and fight for the one you love. In a different situation, different circumstances that may be true, but not this one. Don't doubt your gut instincts, they are pretty loyal. All of these people who posted here have so much experience, unfortunately gained in a very painful and time consuming way. Listen.