The Situation: Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and a half. We both love each other endlessly and we know that and plan on getting married later on after we finish school. I'm 20 and he's 21. He LOVES to annoy me.

How He Annoys Me: Calls me names: variations of fat and ugly jokes, slut, whore, skank, etc. Makes noises/sings loudly. Recently I started to get a few pimples here and there and went to the derm. For medication and then that night he made an acne joke. Makes jokes about me not being tan right now, or the fact that I've been slacking in the gym. Jokingly calls me , psycho, annoying. Tickles me, playfully punches, and what not. etc... it'd take forever to write down all the stuff he does.

I Know It's All Joking: I'm not fat, I'm 5'4 and weigh 115- I have a great body, and he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, perfect, etc. I'm not a whore - he's the only guy that I do anything with at all. He tells me that he likes annoying me - it's fun when he's bored. I don't actually have "acne". And he too is pale and been slacking in the gym since we go together. So I know that everything he's doing is just joking around- he says that.

What I Want Your Opinion About: what would you do? With all the stuff that I've listed plus more that he does to me 24/7... seriously, not a day goes by that he does not do multiple things to annoy me. Would you get mad at him? Just joke along? Or what?

I know what I do and I like the way that I handle it but I've been very curious as to how other people would handle it. Feel free to ask questions...

Thanks.

Here's what I'd do...

Take my foot, pull it back as though I'm about to kick a ball and ram it where the sun doesn't shine!!

This is not cool, even if he is 'bored'. This is controlling and abusive. People who put people down only do it because they're insecure about themselves.

I'm not a woman, but if I were you I would tell him to stop treating you like his sister... you are his girlfriend and he needs to treat you like one.

My ex did that to me... she just said 'stop annoying me, I'm your girlfriend, not your brother'... and it worked, I stopped doing it... its still healthy to tease and be playful occasionally, but if its happening to the point that its bothering you I think you need to say something.

You describe this as playful, kidding, fun when he's "bored!" I'm sorry to say this to you, but you are being very naïve, and you can't see past the nose of your face! Are you kidding me? You would let someone, even in your description as a joking manner, call you a whore, slut and skank? Then call you fat, ugly, phycho, and "punches you playfully??"

If you allow ANY of this to happen, you are fooling yourself into thinking that this is all being said in jest! Do you have such little respect for yourself that you would allow this kind of behaviour from someone that claims to love you?

He is verbally ABUSING you, and you are passing it off as "annoying" behaviour. It will be a lot more than annoying the longer you stay with him! Trust me, I'm speaking from experience here. It is not going to get any better than this, and in fact will get worse. The things he is calling you are neither funny nor a joke! It WILL get worse! What do you think is going to happen when that "playful punch" starts to really hurt? What is going to happen when the words slut, whore, and skank get old to him, and he has to broaden his vocabulary? This is NOT fuuny! If you don't have the self esteem now to know this is very wrong, it will only plummet from here until you've hit bottom.

Tell me, did you go to the dermatologist just because you thought you should?. or did you do it because he mentioned it. Be honest with yourself. Are you thinking about buying a tanning pkg. so you aren't so pale? Do you go to the Gym strickly for you, or is it to please him, because he has said these things to you?

I think you know something is not right here, or it wouldn't be on your mind, and you wouldn't have felt the need to ask. If this guy loved you like he says he does, he would NEVER say things like this to you. This is FAR from a loving relationship! I would run, not walk, RUN!

Continued.. (starbuck) what I would have said but behaviour like this, both from the boyfriend and the OP(to be honest), angers me so much! She deserves better and she's the only one that can help herself.

Just think of it this way"when you do, if you do" get "married" Honey you will have to put up with those names and gestures for the rest of your life. Come on girl! If your getting aggervated with the names etc. right now. Would you really want that for the rest of your life? That guy needs to back off.. Sure he may think its fun to do "when hes bored" but deep down its hurting you emotionally:(

Continued..(starbuck) what I would have said but behaviour like this, both from the boyfriend and the OP(to be honest), angers me so much! She deserves better and she's the only one that can help herself.

First Talong, you have to see it. This isn't "playful" behaviour! This is how abuse starts. :( It angers me to no end when I see a young girl that just doesn't want to see it. I feel helpless. I'm not angry at her, I'm angry that it's so easily done.

Haha WOW. Okay guys... seriously... you don't even know how I feel or handle it so how can you decide if it's bad for me?
First of all, I find the jokes funny... we have a very similar sense of humor. And the jokes that he makes don't bother me... seriously guys- it's not just me being blind and not wanting to see it. He's an amazing boyfriend.
Second of all, I've been in an actual abusive relationship. He was the one I lost my virginity to and I thought that he loved me. He abused me verbally and physically- then locked me in the house and took my cell phone so I couldn't call the cops... there's still an EPO (emergency protective order) against him. So, I know what an abusive relationship is, not to mention that my dad was an abusive alcoholic when I was a kid to my mom... so I know what to look for. I've worked (volunteered) with a local program that helps young girls out. I know what to look for- guess what? It's not present in our relationship.
We've had our rough patches here and there like every other couple does... but in the end we both realized our true feelings. You guys really shoudn't have jumped the gun with this... I'm not some young blind girl that's being abused.

Thanks for trying to tell me that I'm in a bad relatinoship.. but all I was curious about if every girl had the same attitude about that or what. I don't need anyone tot ell me not to be with him.

Who are you convincing?

Yourself or us?

This is verbal abuse, how long until it becomes physical?

Tell him you don't like it and he better stop and then leave if he doesn't , or accept it, become a doormat and learn to live with it. Those are your options, which will it be?

It really is that simple. Love makes you happy, not miserable. You asked the question, obviously you know this isn't right. So stop defending him.

That's not cool for him to call you that. You need to talk to him about these things. And if he won't stop it time to leave him or take a break.

If it annoys you, tell him to stop. If he doesn't, make sure he knows you're serious. If he really is a good boyfriend, when you tell him hey, can you quit making those jokes ALL THE TIME, it gets old, then he will stop.

If your relationship really isn't abusive and there is no harm intended or derrived, then it's not so bad in that sense, but when your family or friends or strangers on the street see these things, they don't know the context. They think, poor girl, she has to put up with that crap all the time. They think wow, what a jerk.

If you get married and have kids, your kids will grow up hearing that, and maybe they won't know it's a joke. Maybe thy will start calling you bad names. Maybe they will tell their classmates they're fat or ugly. They could ruin some kids self esteem, all because daddy does it to mommy and she thinks it's funny. I know it's way down the road, but you have to think about the long term consiquences. Put a stop to it before you get married at least. There's nothing wrong with holding off for a little while while you iron out some of the kinks. And you DON'T want to be married to the guy if he's ALWAYS going to annoy you. Believe me, it WILL get old after a few years.

what would you do?
Wouldn't put up with it, but if you like your annoying b/f, I love it!

Wouldn't put up with it, but if you like your annoying b/f, I love it!!

So true.

My two cents: This all sounds a bit immature for MARRIAGE. GO SLOW...

Seriously. I'm taking the post down now. I don't/didn't see anything wrong with our relationship. I was just curious... I'm a curiuos person. Jeez people. And marriage? I did say we were going to finish school first. We don't plan on getting engaged until at least a year or two after we finish... which is another 2-3years. And then plan on being engaged for some time. Andk ids? We're not having any. I've never wanted any of my own and neither does he.

I will tell him that his jokes are lame and getting old and no wonder he is no comedian because he sucks at it =P Then, if it continues, I will tell him: that I don't like the way he jokes because I think calling me whore is so rude and so direspectful even my friends never call me names like that! And he needs to stop it.

Anyway, I am not trying to tell you what you should do or whatnot but since you told people that you have been in an abusive rel. before and your dad etc was an alcoholic maybe that's your comfort zone and you think that name calling wasn't abusive when in fact it is (it can harm you mentally). I am sure he's a great boyfriend at some aspect unless you will not fall for him. However, think again if you really like this jokes he's making in attempt to annoy you... why don't he try a new hobby instead when he's bored?

If it was my comfort zone... don't you think I would have stayed with my ex boyfriend who was actually abusive? People... seriously. Just stop. There's nothing wrong between us.

Talong, just so you know... I am not trying to point out that there's something wrong about your current rel. I was just trying to pour out my opinion in this post. So, that you will have some insight and in hope to feed your curiousity about this matter. What are you so mad about?

Tell him to stop, that it's annoying and not fun. If he respects your request and stops, great. If he loves you and really cares, he'll stop in a heartbeat and he won't say that you have no sense of humor. If he continues or changes gears and finds another way to get under your skin, you've got your answer. It's abuse and it will get worse.

I'm not "mad" just... I don't care what people think of my relationship, that's not why I made the post- I see absolutely nothing wrong with it- regardless of what people think on here we're both extremely happy together. I was just curious as to how others would react to him. I really did not make the post so that others can analyze and criticize the relationship.

Well now you know how we would react. He's lucky to have someone who thinks he's so funny.

I'm curious. Can you tell him he's weak and lazy and does he laugh? He should be able to take it as well as dish it out. Try it some time and see what he does.

Yes. As I believe I have said previously I did start to do it back... and yes... he does laugh. I'll tell him he's fat, a manwhore , or ugly or dumb, etc... and yes.. he laughs because we both know it's not true... it's just joking around. If we both find it funny and neither have hurt feelings from it... I really don't see a problem with it. And yes, if my feelings do get hurt from anything serious going on... we do discuss it. We've been through a lot. And I like our relationship.

But talong, you asked a question, and got peoples opinion, using your relationship as an example. Most would not want what you have. Don't take it personally.

Just in the future, be careful what you asked for, and don't be defensive when you get your answer.



How He Annoys Me: Calls me names: variations of fat and ugly jokes, slut, whore, skank, etc. Makes noises/sings loudly. Recently I started to get a few pimples here and there and went to the derm. For medication and then that night he made an acne joke. Makes jokes about me not being tan right now, or the fact that I've been slacking in the gym. Jokingly calls me , psycho, annoying. Tickles me, playfully punches, and what not. etc... it'd take forever to write down all the stuff he does.



Maybe you can handle it, but as you see most won't, and they gave their reasons. Take it for what it is, food for thought.

If you were okay with it would you really be on here asking what you should do.

Just because we don't think you should accept the behaviour and your boyfriend is being a little out of order doesn't mean that he is a disgusting guy and your relationship is doomed.. It may just be his character and seeing as you have always laughed about he may be under the impression that you like it..

If it bugs you, simply put, just tell him. If he respects you and stops then its done - there is nothing harmful about jokey name calling between people in love but for me I would never ever call the girl I love a whore or a skank, let alone a stranger I have never meant before - its just not normal but each to their own...

I'm not "mad" just... i don't care what ppl think of my relationship, that's not why i made the post- i see absolutely nothing wrong with it- regardless of what ppl think on here we're both extremely happy together. I was just curious as to how others would react to him. I really did not make the post so that others can analyze and criticize the relationship.

I'm curious to know why you asked the question if you didn't want answers.

I understand.. it's really is easy to be mislead by the name of the site Ask Me Help Desk absolutely misleading!

Ok, I may be being a slight bit sarcastic, but honestly I find it insulting to the people who took the time and bothered to try to give you the opinions you asked for.

I'm not a woman, but I can relate to your boyfriend. I don't know why, but if I like a chic I just have to tease her. And sometimes it gets out of hand, but I've noticed that when it does, it's usually because I don't respect them.

Although you've denied it, there is something wrong with your relationship. If he respected you he wouldn't dare call you a whore or fat. And we all can see that you are bothered by what he says from the mere fact you posted here.

Quit lying to yourself, you're not kiddin' anyone.

Slapshot,

There is a massive difference between teasing and abuse.

Teasing is playful, this has gone too far, the insults that are used are very harsh and hurtful and if anyone especially my significant other called me any of the above I would hit the roof.

Also, teasing is done between two people, he does this 'when he is bored'. Does that not say enough?

Slapshot,

There is a massive difference between teasing and abuse.

Teasing is playful, this has gone too far, the insults that are used are very harsh and hurtful and if anyone especially my significant other called me any of the above I would hit the roof.

Also, teasing is done between two people, he does this 'when he is bored'. Does that not say enough?
You're reiterating what I said. I wrote that he doesn't respect her, which is another way of saying he "abuses" her, although I tend to think abuse is too harshly applied here. Relationship abuse is rooted in pure malevolence, he's just bored and knows he can treat her like a pal and not a girlfriend and she'll take it.

He only is with her because it keeps him from being bored. Anyone can take her place. It's just a case of incompatibility.

I'm pretty sensitive with semantics.

Slapshot,

There is a massive difference between teasing and abuse.

Teasing is playful, this has gone too far, the insults that are used are very harsh and hurtful and if anyone especially my significant other called me any of the above I would hit the roof.

Also, teasing is done between two people, he does this 'when he is bored'. Does that not say enough?

I don't agree that there's a massive difference between teasing and abuse. I think they are related, although some forms of teasing can be loving and Okay. I appreciate slopshot's honest post, which is consistent with my experience with many men and some women, too. Persistent teasing isn't a sign of respect.

(Regarding women, I had a female room mate once who was constantly insulting me "jokingly." It got old incredibly fast and she was really difficult to avoid. I moved out. I just wasn't interested in her game.) Men who make lots of jokes at my expense never seem to have my interests at heart in other areas either. I am learning to avoid the teasing kind, even if their intent is hard to pin down. In dating, I've also noticed that quite a few men want to establish the right to tease on the first or second date. They say "I like to tease. Is that okay?" or something similar. I usually ask what they consider teasing and explain that it's not something I enjoy if it's basically just insults. Some men are fine with that. Others almost immediately start testing the waters to see how much of an insult they can deliver before I drop them.

In general, the level of humor isn't very interesting. I once said something flattering about a waitress and my date "jokingly" kept accusing me of being a lesbian for the rest of the evening. I laughed the first couple of times, just to be nice. After he'd brought it up for the 8th or so time, I said, "I'm done now. Can we talk about something else?" And he started an argument--right there in the restaurant. He insisted that "repetition is the soul of humor." I just thought he was being a jerk and a bore. It felt like he was trying to address some perceived insecurity in me (and failing, as it turned out).

The fact that talong's boyfriend goes after areas that she's slightly insecure about is a sign that he has similar intent. E.g. when she indicates anxiety about a few pimples, he comes up with the acne joke. If she comes stops arguing with us long enough to think about this, I bet she'll see the pattern. I'm guessing he doesn't make jokes about anything she's totally secure about.

She can joke about His weight because he doesn't care about that. She should try something that most men are insecure about and see if he still laughs.

I was making a distinction between teasing and abuse. I think teasing is too loose a word for what's going on her, although I might say abuse it possibly too harsh. It is borderline abuse, in my opinion.

By the way the first line was directed at you. The rest was directed at the OP. My fault for not making that more clear. So yes, I may have been reiterating what you were saying slightly but it was my opinion to the OP.

Sorry for any confusion :)

How He Annoys Me: Calls me names: variations of fat and ugly jokes, slut, whore, skank, etc. Makes noises/sings loudly. Recently i started to get a few pimples here and there and went to the derm. for medication and then that night he made an acne joke. Makes jokes about me not being tan right now, or the fact that i've been slacking in the gym. Jokingly calls me , psycho, annoying. Tickles me, playfully punches, and what not. etc... it'd take forever to write down all the stuff he does.


If he does this out of love, and affection, what does he do when he is angry???

I was making a distinction between teasing and abuse. I think teasing is too loose a word for what's going on her, although I might say abuse it possibly too harsh. It is borderline abuse, in my opinion.

By the way the first line was directed at you. The rest was directed at the OP. My fault for not making that more clear. So yes, I may have been reiterating what you were saying slightly but it was my opinion to the OP.

Sorry for any confusion :)

Likewise. I thought you were saying there was a sharp demarcation between the two, but it appears you are saying the opposite, that it's a matter of degree, which I agree with. I agree this situation is ambiguous, at least for the OP.

If he does this out of love, and affection, what does he do when he is angry???

Ha ha I was wondering the same thing! I joke around with my spouse but nothing this out of hand.

We are curious, what does he say or do when he is angry?

Likewise. I thought you were saying there was a sharp demarcation between the two, but it appears you are saying the opposite, that it's a matter of degree, which I agree with. I agree this situation is ambiguous, at least for the OP.

Indubitably :D

haha WOW. okay guys... seriously... you don't even know how i feel or handle it so how can you decide if it's bad for me?
First of all, i find the jokes funny... we have a very similar sense of humor. And the jokes that he makes don't bother me... seriously guys- it's not just me being blind and not wanting to see it. He's an amazing boyfriend.
Second of all, i've been in an actual abusive relationship. He was the one i lost my virginity to and i thought that he loved me. He abused me verbally and physically- then locked me in the house and took my cell phone so i couldn't call the cops... there's still an EPO (emergency protective order) against him. So, i know what an abusive relationship is, not to mention that my dad was an abusive alcoholic when i was a kid to my mom.... so i know what to look for. I've worked (volunteered) with a local program that helps young girls out. i know what to look for- guess what? it's not present in our relationship.
We've had our rough patches here and there like every other couple does... but in the end we both realized our true feelings. You guys really shoudn't have jumped the gun with this.... I'm not some young blind girl that's being abused.

Thanks for trying to tell me that i'm in a bad relatinoship.. but all i was curious about if every girl had the same attitude about that or what. I don't need anyone tot ell me not to be with him.
If you do not want input... then why ask?

I was in a relationship like this too... all joking, we knew we LOVED each other blah blah blah... Guess what (I was in a prior abusinve relationship too) and all of the joking turned itno SERIOUS CONTROL before too long. My phone was gone through, the name calling got to be more, then it just turned UGLY. He never once raised a hand at me (unless we were "play fighting") but I remember telling him "I wish you would just hit me instead of talking to me and treating me this way... th ebruises would go away but what you are doing to me will last and last"

I was in that relationship for FIVE YEARS... Now that I am not anymore, I cannot believe I actually let someone fool me into their controlling behavior... what your boyfriend does is EXACTLY how this guy was... then it turned for the worse... do some soul searching... of you worked with people to help with keeping them out of abusinve behavior, you KNOW these are all signs... search yourself, don't be happy just to "be"... better yourself.

If you do not want input... then why ask?

I was in a relationship like this too... all joking, we knew we LOVED each other blah blah blah... Guess what (I was in a prior abusinve relationship too) adn all of the joking turned itno SERIOUS CONTROL before too long. My phone was gone through, the name calling got to be more, then it just turned UGLY. He never once raised a hand at me (unless we were "play fighting") but I remember telling him "I wish you would just hit me instead of talking to me and treating me this way... th ebruises would go away but what you are doing to me will last and last"

I was in that relationship for FIVE YEARS.... Now that I am not anymore, I cannot believe I actually let someone fool me into their controlling behavior... what your boyfriend does is EXACTLY how this guy was... then it turned for the worse... do some soul searching... of you worked with people to help with keeping them out of abusinve behavior, you KNOW these are all signs... search yourself, don't be happy just to "be"... better yourself.

I've been wondering all along why the question was asked if feedback was only going to be ignored and critiqued?

I also was in one of these "non-abusive" relationships. The cutesy name calling, and the play punching were considered to be affectionate joking between the two of us. We loved each other very much too! We had an understanding between us! I became used to it! Then I missed when it started to change from playful, and was becoming verbal abuse, because it was normal. Of course we still loved each other! He was still being playful, after all. Then it just progressed, and I started to get numb to it. I wasn't noticing the signs. But of course we still loved each other. Well, of course this got even more boring to him, so he had to up the ante! Slut turned into "stunned c*#*", the playful punches turned into bruises! Fast forward 12 years! I was a shell of what I was before I met him! I had no self confidence, no self esteem, no self worth!. and more broken bones in my body than I care to count!

So if you think this is a fun game now? Be prepared for chips to fall, because it is no longer a fun game when you are sitting in the emergency room.

I've also been in a relationship with verbal abuse that turned physical, it's amazing what you will accept when yourself esteem is low and you're young. It didn't take long for me to get out though, once he actually hit me I was gone.

This relationship is just on the verge of turning ugly, but sadly the OP won't listen, I guess she thinks she know so much more then those of us who've lived through it.

OP, I wish you luck, heck, maybe we're wrong, maybe, just maybe, he'll be the only verbal abuser who just sticks to verbal abuse. As long as you're okay with it, which I don't think you are otherwise why the post, then do what you want, we can't stop you anyway.

haha WOW. okay guys... seriously... you don't even know how i feel or handle it so how can you decide if it's bad for me?
First of all, i find the jokes funny... we have a very similar sense of humor. And the jokes that he makes don't bother me... seriously guys- it's not just me being blind and not wanting to see it. He's an amazing boyfriend.
Second of all, i've been in an actual abusive relationship. He was the one i lost my virginity to and i thought that he loved me. He abused me verbally and physically- then locked me in the house and took my cell phone so i couldn't call the cops... there's still an EPO (emergency protective order) against him. So, i know what an abusive relationship is, not to mention that my dad was an abusive alcoholic when i was a kid to my mom.... so i know what to look for. I've worked (volunteered) with a local program that helps young girls out. i know what to look for- guess what? it's not present in our relationship.
We've had our rough patches here and there like every other couple does... but in the end we both realized our true feelings. You guys really shoudn't have jumped the gun with this.... I'm not some young blind girl that's being abused.

Thanks for trying to tell me that i'm in a bad relatinoship.. but all i was curious about if every girl had the same attitude about that or what. I don't need anyone tot ell me not to be with him.

I agree totally... that's what boredom does to you, my boyfriend calls me his gordita and I'm not fat. I'm actually 5'4 as well and I weigh 115lbs as well. But I LOVEEEEEE FOOD. And I eat a lot. And I don't go to the gym, I just swim! If it gets annoying tell him hey babe slow it down with the jokes your sort of hurting my feelings... but if you don't care about them and go along, then hey! You have a great sense of humor and if it doesn't annoy you then that's fine... but also, don't let him cross the line. Keep your dignity and self respect, never forget thosee.

I agree totally....that's what boredom does to you, my boyfriend calls me his gordita and im not fat. im actually 5'4 as well and i weigh 115lbs as well. But I LOVEEEEEE FOOD. and i eat a lot. and i dont go to the gym, i just swim! if it gets annoying tell him hey babe slow it down with the jokes your sorta hurting my feelings....but if you dont care about them and go along, then hey! you have a great sense of humor and if it doesnt annoy you then thats fine....but also, dont let him cross the line. Keep your dignity and self respect, never forget thosee.

It's so disturbing to me that young girls are not holding themselves to higher standards. Why are you letting men degrade you? Jokingly or otherwise, there is a lack of respect! The respect people in general should have for each other, the respect a man and a woman should have for each other, and self respect! I do understand the occasional joke, and the playfulness of it. What I don't understand or agree with, is the unnecessary crude and constant name calling, being seen as affection. Apparently respect has gone out the window, and this is what has become acceptable and also deemed "normal!"

By the way, and FYI, I'm not a prude or an angel by any means of your imagination in case you are wondering. I could out-do your stories and experiences, hands down! I just learned to have more respect for myself.

Ana, this was not really directed towards you. I agree that there is a line. But if someone has a good sense of humour, they don't have to use you as their target, under the guise of it being funny! The problem is... when is that line crossed. I see "gordita" as more of a pet name. It's not the same as slut, whore, skank,. along with the other names. These are the names that are disrespectful, and I see as red flags in the future.

I don't understand girls who let guys do this - no wonder when you get around to the nice guys you are always so scared!

Get out of it for your sake.

Teasing can be fun and sexy and flirtatious, he is obviously immature and annoying more than fun.

But you are strong and sure you can handle it a lot... the question is... is it fun? And that's why you are on here.

SO... COMMUNICATE ASAP.

"Sweetie, the teasing is getting old. I like to joke but I am not in love with all the body jokes..I don't that sexy or a turn on so much..."

I think you feel guilty about having feelings because it's part of your relationship and you don't want to overreact I know, but knowing your boundaries would be nice.

I tease a lot, but if a girl find something annoying I am not going to keep doing it... Hopefully he grows up.

Clearly, you have a long way to go before marriage, but it's good you are taking time to be introspective and not just be passive... and I hope you all do well.

If not, there are other fish in the sea.

Ash,
This seems like a good response. I'm curious to know what you say in the way of teasing that you consider sexy. Can you give an example?

Also, if a woman finds something annoying and says so politely, would you consider that a sign you weren't a good match?

When he's angry? He does exactly what I do: asked to be left alone for a bit until the anger is gone. Doesn't mean we actually "leave" just don't talk to the other about the issue until we're calm. He's never called me a name out of anger.
I don't have low self esteem either. I don't get upset about my weight, my skin, or anything else like that. I love the way that I look, as does he, and from past experiences I know not to change for someone.
We broke up for about 2months during our relationship to give us both some time to think about what it is that we wanted. I went on dates with other guys, I've "dated" other guys before and while on our break. If the teasing bothered me don't you think I would have either not gotten back with him and dated one of the other guys? Or dated a perfectly nice guy that I had known for about 6 years and found out his feelings towards me? Or even have stayed single since that's what I did when I left the first actual abusive guy I was with? I'm not afraid to be single.
If he said any of his jokes and didn't laugh or anything... then I'd be worried. But we both laugh, and as I've said, we both laugh at the jokes that I make at him as well.
For the girl who stayed with her abusive boyfriend for 5 years and had been previously in an abusive relationship... did you not learn anything? Bc I did.
I was curious because he's always made remarks about me handling it differently than he thought a girl would because his mom gets upsets with jokes like that. So I was curious if that was true, that most girls would get upset and/or cry about it - apparently so. But just because I find them funny and don't take them personally doesn't mean that I'm oblivious to an abusive thing going on.
So if I know that I am beautiful, have a great body, that I'm intelligent, amazing and I stand my ground... how is this an issue at all when I'm just laughing with him? I've asked him if he would stop if I wanted him to... guess what? He would. In fact, there was one joke that he used to always make that included my past.. I didn't find it funny and it hurt my feelings. He hasn't made the joke since then.
So seriously, you guys are making a bigger deal out of it than needed. It's not like he makes the jokes and then cry and keep it in the back of my head "he really thinks im a whore"... what the hell? NO, we both know that I'm not a whore at all... his first girlfriend was a whore and cheated on him... doubt he'd want to be with another whore.

FYI: he's the one that has labeled it "annoying"... not me. I've never said to him "you're so annoying" or "stop annoying me". He calls/called it annoying- guess maybe because that's what his mom calls it? I don't know. It's not like he's trying to get a rise out of me. Sorry that I or he chose the word so improperly.

In fact, there was one joke that he used to always make that included my past.. I didn't find it funny and it hurt my feelings. He hasn't made the joke since then.


... he's the one that has labeled it "annoying"... not me....

This alters the picture somewhat. It would have been useful to know that he responds when you ask him to back off and that you don't consider his behavior annoying. You said "he loves to annoy me" and "How He Annoys Me", from which we understandably concluded that you were annoyed--in other words, that you didn't like it and were just laughing it off as a way to deal with it. We thought you were asking if this was a good way to deal with the problem.

Nobody here said anything about crying and I think that comment was meant to diminish both his mother and any women who might object to being constantly harassed about weight, skin tone, mental state, or alleged promiscuity, as so many of us have. (I had a very "loving" boyfriend who insisted I was not thin enough when I had a BMI of 18 (which is underweight). I guess he had anorexia by proxy.

Anyway, like others, I wonder why you specifically ask for the responses of other women and then put down any women who, unlike you, wish to be cherished and respected instead of being the butt of jokes about acne, too-pale skin, being out of shape, being "psycho" or " annoying and being "playfully" punched. To each her own.

If he says his first girlfriend was a "whore," my take is that you will be in that category too when the honeymoon is over. He is working on you and it WILL affect your self image over time if you don't tell him to stop. And you can take that to the bank. I think your determination to not be affected by these constant jokes is a form of machismo, like driving too fast to prove to yourself that you are invulnerable and in control. Give it a rest and ask him to give it a rest. This is not a healthy relationship even if the sex is still great, which I infer from "we love each other endlessly."

What I still see here is denial and eyes wide shut!

For the girl who stayed with her abusive bf for 5 years and had been previously in an abusive relationship... did you not learn anything? Bc i did.


The 5 year relationship WAS the abusive relationship... which was exactly what I was trying to point out. Of course I learned something; hence I am not in that situation anymore.
All I was pointing out was that his mannerisms (my ex) were playful and "annoying" at first. Harmless and immature... it was through the years that he became verbally/emotionally abusive.
If you are happy, then be happy in your situation. If you see no harm in it, then let it be. You posted asking how others would handle it and we are merely replying with our thoughts and relating past experiences.
If there is nothing wrong with your current situation, there is no reason to be so defensive to our responses when we are replying with what you had asked in the OP.

It's so disturbing to me that young girls are not holding themselves to higher standards. Why are you letting men degrade you? Jokingly or otherwise, there is a lack of respect! The respect people in general should have for each other, the respect a man and a woman should have for each other, and self respect! I do understand the occasional joke, and the playfulness of it. What I don't understand or agree with, is the unnecessary crude and constant name calling, being seen as affection. Apparently respect has gone out the window, and this is what has become acceptable and also deemed "normal!"

By the way, and FYI, I'm not a prude or an angel by any means of your imagination in case you are wondering. I could out-do your stories and experiences, hands down! I just learned to have more respect for myself.

Ana, this was not really directed towards you. I agree that there is a line. But if someone has a good sense of humour, they don't have to use you as their target, under the guise of it being funny! The problem is...when is that line crossed. I see "gordita" as more of a pet name. It's not the same as slut, whore, skank,...along with the other names. These are the names that are disrespectful, and I see as red flags in the future.


IF its constantly and you actually start taking it a REALLY disrespectful then OK that is crossing the line. But then again, he might think of those as "pet names". Yes I'm young, Yes you might be wondering why I'm here giving advice but I like helping people and maybe it might help somebody. I am mature for my age, I do not lower my standards for anybody and I do have plenty of self respect. I have a really high class family and my wholee family always told me to have self respect. Especially us young girls that are very gollable and will do anything to "try looking cool" but as they don't know they're just being called sluts and such. As if, some girls let their boyfriends do that to them, if you KNOW him soooo well that you know he's kidding then like w,e but constantly? He has a problem. He likes putting you down just so he can feel good? Nahh don't waste your time, there's plentyyyyyyyy of gentlemen out there.


& just for the record, I don't care if anyone can "out-do" anything I have done, really that doesn't make a change in what I think care or do. No offence, I just don't think its right for someone to blow up on just an opinion.

Oh and I'm also not directing it to you starbuck, but many people think that ALLL now a day girls that are young can't keep themselves respect or such. But FYI, you just met one that isn't like that.

Actually, we're not together for the sex. In fact, for multiple different reasons over the time of us being together we've had to go months without sex. Right now we can't either. He doesn't classify me as a whore. Just because we're young doesn't mean that we don't communicate. We do have serious talks about things and I'm tired of people commenting on our relationship when you don't know the half of it. He's not trying to ease me into calling me a whore. Since he laughs and most of the time says "just kidding" after wards. And his hatred of whores/sluts kind of says that he doesn't want to be with one. His brother, who is married and has been with his wife for 7 years now also does the same kind of thing. Me and her are similar in the way that we find it funny. So if there's something wrong with my relationship then I guess I should tell her that her 7year relationship is all just him trying to make her feel bad and abusing her. You all are ridiculous and making a bigger deal out of it than need be.

and his hatred of whores/sluts kind of says

.. . It all.

Actually, we're not together for the sex. In fact, for multiple different reasons over the time of us being together we've had to go months without sex. Right now we can't either. He doesn't classify me as a whore. Just bc we're young doesn't mean that we don't communicate. We do have serious talks about things and i'm tired of ppl commenting on our relationship when you don't know the half of it. He's not trying to ease me into calling me a whore. since he laughs and most of the time says "just kidding" after wards. and his hatred of whores/sluts kind of says that he doesn't want to be with one. his brother, who is married and has been with his wife for 7 years now also does the same kind of thing. me and her are similar in the way that we find it funny. so if there's something wrong with my relationship then i guess i sould tell her that her 7year relationship is all just him trying to make her feel bad and abusing her. you all are ridiculous and making a bigger deal out of it than need be.

This is EXACTLY what you posted in the OP... you wanted to know what we would do, what our take on it was... that is what you asked, so what kind of answers did you expect??

You explained the situation and said seriously given all that he does to me in a 24 hour period what would you do? I know how I deal with it but am curious to see how other people would take it (this is not a direct quote from the OP but pretty darn close)

You asked, we answerd, I don't see us as being ridiculous when we are replying to what you asked of us...

As I said earlier, if you are happy then go be happy, if his brothers wife is happy, awesome...

If he hates sluts and whores as much as you portray him to, it is a word that he would NEVER call you, having dated one and been hurt so deeply by one, it would not be a word he took lightly or joked about at all.

So if you did not really want people to analyze the situation and tell you what they thought, what was the post for? To start a debate? Was there some other reason behind it? It seems silly to post a question asking for answers and then getting defensive because people give you honest answers that do not coincide with how you presently handle it.

I guess it's true: People only want to hear what they want to hear...

I guess it's true: People only want to hear what they want to hear...

True, but why do they ask the question and then get mad when they don't hear what they want?

I think this thread has run its course, obviously the OP wanted specifically worded answers, she has no interest in hearing anyone's opinion, she's got it all figured out.

Maybe it's time to move on to someone who actually wants our help and advice.

Good idea. Thanks. Even though I said that way earlier on that I didn't want to hear it anymore. Off.

Talong, just for future reference, when you put something on an internet site, ask for advice, you get what you get, like it or not. It's up to you as the poster to pick what you want to read.

I have no power to close this thread, but you have the power to not read further posts.

Ash,
This seems like a good response. I'm curious to know what you say in the way of teasing that you consider sexy. Can you give an example?

Also, if a woman finds something annoying and says so politely, would you consider that a sign you weren't a good match?


SEXY TEASING: "You think you're so popular with all those guys looking at you?!"

OR: "I am sorry I forgot to pick up the milk, am i gonna get punished when I get home..."

ETC

NOT SEXY: You are so dumb and ugly.

Again, if it is not a problem, why post? I think some practical solutions were offered...

If I had the ability to delete it I would have done so already. Since I didn't want all the abusive bs. Just curious if everyone handled it my way... didn't ask for advice.

Talong, once again, you posted it, this is an advice site, so of course you're going to get advice. It's Ask Me Help Desk, not Just Making Conversation Site.

Once it's posted you cannot delete it, that's why it's important to think things through before doing them.

As for the abusive bs, I didn't see any of that, I saw people offer you very valid advice, none of which you wanted to hear. Others told you how they would handle it, you didn't want to hear that either. You got defensive and in some cases downright rude, but you always had the option of walking away, much like you do in your relationship.

It's you who continues to come back and read what's been written. You can ignore all the posts, if you choose not to then take the good with the bad, that's life.

Talong, once again, you posted it, this is an advice site, so of course you're going to get advice. It's Ask Me Help Desk, not Just Making Conversation Site.

Once it's posted you cannot delete it, that's why it's important to think things through before doing them.

As for the abusive bs, I didn't see any of that, I saw people offer you very valid advice, none of which you wanted to hear. Others told you how they would handle it, you didn't want to hear that either. You got defensive and in some cases downright rude, but you always had the option of walking away, much like you do in your relationship.

It's you who continues to come back and read what's been written. You can ignore all the posts, if you choose not to then take the good with the bad, that's life.

I agree. This post kind of mirrored her relationship. She can take it. She can walk away... But it did bother her... in the end though, Talon, I think it was GOOD YOU POSTED HERE.

It never hurts to stop and explore one's situation - whether it's ultimately critical or not...