ferreltr
Feb 5, 2009, 07:37 AM
To set the scene:
Me - 30 year old male, successful, American, living in Europe for 10 years now. When we met I had been out of a long term relationship for 2 years - so happy to date again.
Partner - 50 year old male, successful, Scottish. His partner of 20 years died 2 years prior, and he said he was ready to start dating again.
We met about two years ago while I was on a business trip in Barcelona. We knew exactly what we had - a wild crazy night which was mind blowing. We went our ways in the middle of the night, but agreed to share a cab to the airport, to save some money. He gave me his card, and I left back for Germany, not expecting anything. In my eyes, it was a holiday one night stand - nothing more.
Then a few days later, I emailed him, thanked him again for a fun night, and said if he was ever in Germany, to give me a shout. So a few emails over a few days later, we agreed to meet in Berlin for the weekend. It was a brilliant time, we had a good laugh, but again, logistically, I wasin Germany, he in Scotland. But slowly - over time, we agreed to meet three weeks later in Italy... then three weeks later in France...
It was a fantastic build up of a relationship. Meeting in different cities in Europe for weekends - and hcatting more and more during the weeks, to the point of talking every day. Three weeks became two weeks, and then it became every weekend we would be together. Either in Scotland, with me, or in a different city. In this time I took a new job in Holland where I travelled to Scotland a lot, so it became easier.
But we both agreed, we where happy with a relationship on the weekends. I travelled a lot, so what would be the point of me living in the same city? It worked - we both where hyappy, and over the time, I really started to fall in love.
Our relationship grew - we had fights, we laughed, we made up - things where good.
I was purchasing a house in Holland (more proof that I honestly was happy to live apart. My career was imprtant to me) and he sold his house that he and his former partner had, because he said he needed to move on. He was renting a place while his new house was being remodelled and rebuilt, and most of his furniture that he and his partner had bought was obviously in storage.
Then at the beginning of October, I lost my job. Because of this, I pulled out of buying the house. With no home, he offered for me to stay with him in the interim while I look for a job. I could save money on rent, plus it was easier to get to London or Paris for job interviews from his house.
Then this last christmas we spent it with his family. I felt like I really was fitting in. His parents, his sisters, his friends... everyone liked me. I fit in, I felt like I belonged.. and our relationship was growing.
For new years 2008, we rented a huge house, and invited his and my friends up - everything was fantastic! We held hands while walking, kissed, made love. There wasn’t even a thought in the back of my mind that things weren’t OK.
In a weeks time he would move into his new house, and all his belongings would come out of storage, so I said I would go away for the weekend. I thought it would be emoitonal for him, and maybe cathardic to deal with it alone. He thanked me for this, and said he appreciated it.
Then the second weekend of January, 2009, we went out for dinner with a group of friends on the Saturday. One person who is part of the group has always made a point of bringing up his deceased partner. And I’ve always shut my mouth. I didn’t know the dead guy, so how could I say anything? But - I was annoyed because that morning, we had sex, and he orgasmed... and then just left me there. I was annoyed at his selfishness. I didn’t speak to him for a few hours - bt we made up. So dinner was OK - we heald hands, we kissed, we went dancing with everyone. But this one guy kept going on and on about the dead guy - and in the cab ride home, my partner made some comment, and I lost it. I for the first time said something about his dead partner. We had a huge fight, and in the end, I did apologise, and said I only made that comment to hurt him, but I’m still angry. I slept in theoter bedroom, to be woken up in the mornign with ‘we need to talk’.
He said he knows I’m madly in love with him. But he doesn’t feel that way about me. He never has, and he never will. In the past he said he cares for me, but love takes a long time, and he sees it growing. So I always took that as he’s a slow burn. But to all of a sudden hear that... it broke my heart.
He said he’s broken.. he had the love of his life, and he probably can never love again.
So I left for london to stay with friends. He asked me to come back a few days later to talk. Obviously, it was just fights. I was so hurt... I stayed for a few days (rememebr... I have no home at the moment) but then went to visit more friends for the weekend. I lost it when I setn him a text on how hurt I was, and he responded he was fine and having a dinner party. I sent some nasty text messages back... and when I got back to scotland, he told me how I ruined his weekend.
To which I reminded him he ruined my life.
It didn’t go well... I didn’t know where to go. I had no home. So last Friday my friends in london said to stay with them till I know what to dol
I was in the new house with him at that point.
Now I feel stupid. Like aboy toy. This relaitonsip was never about money.. but for gods sake, I’m 20 years younger.
When I left, I cried so hard. Even the dog was sad. He finally showed one bit of emotion when his voice cracked.
And said to the end, he still feels the same way about me. It’s just me that’s in love, and that’s wrong, But sees me as one of his best friends.
Is this all just the emotion from him seeing all his things again, and being around that?
Am I stupid for wanting him back?
Or should I realize that he’s actually a nasty person to drop someone when they have no home or job, and the only stable factor in the ir life was the fact that they had a partner who they thought cared for them?
I’ve asked for no contact - so he called me two days ago because he couldn’t find the remote. I’m not calling him... emailing him. I’ve deleted all profiles and ids and stuff from online stuff we had so I can’t see if he’s online.
I’m not speakig to his friends.
But I’m still feeling so stupid... and not knowing what to do.
Is there a chance that he will see his mistake? Or should I move on?
Thanks for your help.
Me - 30 year old male, successful, American, living in Europe for 10 years now. When we met I had been out of a long term relationship for 2 years - so happy to date again.
Partner - 50 year old male, successful, Scottish. His partner of 20 years died 2 years prior, and he said he was ready to start dating again.
We met about two years ago while I was on a business trip in Barcelona. We knew exactly what we had - a wild crazy night which was mind blowing. We went our ways in the middle of the night, but agreed to share a cab to the airport, to save some money. He gave me his card, and I left back for Germany, not expecting anything. In my eyes, it was a holiday one night stand - nothing more.
Then a few days later, I emailed him, thanked him again for a fun night, and said if he was ever in Germany, to give me a shout. So a few emails over a few days later, we agreed to meet in Berlin for the weekend. It was a brilliant time, we had a good laugh, but again, logistically, I wasin Germany, he in Scotland. But slowly - over time, we agreed to meet three weeks later in Italy... then three weeks later in France...
It was a fantastic build up of a relationship. Meeting in different cities in Europe for weekends - and hcatting more and more during the weeks, to the point of talking every day. Three weeks became two weeks, and then it became every weekend we would be together. Either in Scotland, with me, or in a different city. In this time I took a new job in Holland where I travelled to Scotland a lot, so it became easier.
But we both agreed, we where happy with a relationship on the weekends. I travelled a lot, so what would be the point of me living in the same city? It worked - we both where hyappy, and over the time, I really started to fall in love.
Our relationship grew - we had fights, we laughed, we made up - things where good.
I was purchasing a house in Holland (more proof that I honestly was happy to live apart. My career was imprtant to me) and he sold his house that he and his former partner had, because he said he needed to move on. He was renting a place while his new house was being remodelled and rebuilt, and most of his furniture that he and his partner had bought was obviously in storage.
Then at the beginning of October, I lost my job. Because of this, I pulled out of buying the house. With no home, he offered for me to stay with him in the interim while I look for a job. I could save money on rent, plus it was easier to get to London or Paris for job interviews from his house.
Then this last christmas we spent it with his family. I felt like I really was fitting in. His parents, his sisters, his friends... everyone liked me. I fit in, I felt like I belonged.. and our relationship was growing.
For new years 2008, we rented a huge house, and invited his and my friends up - everything was fantastic! We held hands while walking, kissed, made love. There wasn’t even a thought in the back of my mind that things weren’t OK.
In a weeks time he would move into his new house, and all his belongings would come out of storage, so I said I would go away for the weekend. I thought it would be emoitonal for him, and maybe cathardic to deal with it alone. He thanked me for this, and said he appreciated it.
Then the second weekend of January, 2009, we went out for dinner with a group of friends on the Saturday. One person who is part of the group has always made a point of bringing up his deceased partner. And I’ve always shut my mouth. I didn’t know the dead guy, so how could I say anything? But - I was annoyed because that morning, we had sex, and he orgasmed... and then just left me there. I was annoyed at his selfishness. I didn’t speak to him for a few hours - bt we made up. So dinner was OK - we heald hands, we kissed, we went dancing with everyone. But this one guy kept going on and on about the dead guy - and in the cab ride home, my partner made some comment, and I lost it. I for the first time said something about his dead partner. We had a huge fight, and in the end, I did apologise, and said I only made that comment to hurt him, but I’m still angry. I slept in theoter bedroom, to be woken up in the mornign with ‘we need to talk’.
He said he knows I’m madly in love with him. But he doesn’t feel that way about me. He never has, and he never will. In the past he said he cares for me, but love takes a long time, and he sees it growing. So I always took that as he’s a slow burn. But to all of a sudden hear that... it broke my heart.
He said he’s broken.. he had the love of his life, and he probably can never love again.
So I left for london to stay with friends. He asked me to come back a few days later to talk. Obviously, it was just fights. I was so hurt... I stayed for a few days (rememebr... I have no home at the moment) but then went to visit more friends for the weekend. I lost it when I setn him a text on how hurt I was, and he responded he was fine and having a dinner party. I sent some nasty text messages back... and when I got back to scotland, he told me how I ruined his weekend.
To which I reminded him he ruined my life.
It didn’t go well... I didn’t know where to go. I had no home. So last Friday my friends in london said to stay with them till I know what to dol
I was in the new house with him at that point.
Now I feel stupid. Like aboy toy. This relaitonsip was never about money.. but for gods sake, I’m 20 years younger.
When I left, I cried so hard. Even the dog was sad. He finally showed one bit of emotion when his voice cracked.
And said to the end, he still feels the same way about me. It’s just me that’s in love, and that’s wrong, But sees me as one of his best friends.
Is this all just the emotion from him seeing all his things again, and being around that?
Am I stupid for wanting him back?
Or should I realize that he’s actually a nasty person to drop someone when they have no home or job, and the only stable factor in the ir life was the fact that they had a partner who they thought cared for them?
I’ve asked for no contact - so he called me two days ago because he couldn’t find the remote. I’m not calling him... emailing him. I’ve deleted all profiles and ids and stuff from online stuff we had so I can’t see if he’s online.
I’m not speakig to his friends.
But I’m still feeling so stupid... and not knowing what to do.
Is there a chance that he will see his mistake? Or should I move on?
Thanks for your help.