HI,

I have just joined here, I'm 35 years old and have just split up with my boyfriend, we have a 3 year old son together and now my ex is with my friend. Its been a month now since he has been gone and I have stupidly done all the wrong things calling, texting him and now I have pushed him away even further. I read on a internet site that the best thing to do is not put his new girlfriend down so I sent one final sms to him saying I don't hate her even though she broke the golden rule which is to never date your friends man even if they break up... that maybe he will make her happy and be good for her and she be good for him that I won't be interfering no more and I intend on being on my own and doing things to improve my life..

I have cried every night since he has been gone I can't sleep eat and especially cannot stop thinking about him and me and wishing he was here :confused:

I gather due to all the texting he hates me he pretty well said he did so what do I do now? How do I win him back? Do I even stand a chance? I am worried the more time goes by the more use he will be to me being gone... I would die for some help ideas suggestions and I hope I can be of help here on this site too..

Thanks shelley

If he is in a new relationship,sad to say,he is not thinking of you.He is involved with having the fun that comes with being with a new person.

Because you have a child together,you will be seeing this man for many years to come so what you need to concentrate on is how to keep the relationship respectful and cordial for the sake of your child.

When people split and become involved with someone else,then it is over and there is usually no going back.There is no secret potion that will make someone want you or love you and there is no manipulation that will work.

You wouldn't want him back out of pity or because he felt some sort of obligation,would you?That's not love and it would be only a matter of time before he left again.

You have to grieve and go through the stages,you will survive this but it takes time.
Below are the stages.. maybe understanding them can help you to cope.

1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgment of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

You will get there ! Trust yourself!

Hi,

I am devastated I spent every day for six years with this man and I can't forget us how can he? Is this really it? Is there no hope that he will come back? Rememember I am in denial so forgive me for this but surely there must be something I can do? I don't want to be just friends, or a ex.. I love him to death I love him so much and he was everything to me... I wanted to grow old with him raise our son together has there been no way to win his heart back??

Surely there can be ways to reverse this? Or does he just hate me and there is no hope? I don't mean to sound dumb or anything but surely there must be something I can do to try and work it out? Does it mean just because we break up that we can't fight to work it out or just accept it is over and not even bother? What about fighting for the one you love?

:( shell

I am sorry for your loss, on both a friend and partner level. While it will take time to heal, you will recover. You have a beautiful child, think of how much your son will need a mother that is committed to raising him. Read the stickies on the top of the forum and post whenever you need to vent. We are all hear and have been in your shoes one way or another.

Hi,

I am devastated i spent every day for six years with this man and i can't forget us how can he? is this really it? is there no hope that he will come back?? rememember i am in denial so forgive me for this but surely there must be something i can do? i dont want to be just friends, or a ex .. i love him to death i love him so much and he was everything to me... i wanted to grow old with him raise our son together has there been no way to win his heart back???

surely there can be ways to reverse this? or does he just hate me and there is no hope? i dont mean to sound dumb or anything but surely there must be something i can do to try and work it out ?? does it mean just cos we break up that we can't fight to work it out or just accept it is over and not even bother?? what about fighting for the one you love??

:( shell

I agree that you should fight for a relationship while you are in it but he is with your so called friend.Who knows how long this may have been brewing between them?
I don't see any way around it. I know how painful this is,I am 54 so believe me I have been hurt like this before but you just have to let it go.If there was no other woman it might be different but there is so clearly he has moved on.Honey,you just can't make someone love you.
If you need to rant I am here... Michele

Hi,

Well I would be lying if I didn't say I cried perfusely when I read your replies. It's all very raw for me right now and the hurt is almost unbareable, I have cried everyday for a month now and still I see no light at the end of my tunnel.

I live in a house full of memories of us and especially the empty bed I sleep in, that's the killer and sometimes it's that bad I have to sleep on the couch. It never occurred to me this is the end so its very much a shock and mentally I can't find a way to get around the concept that he is gone forever I just don't know how to do that so I apologise for going on about it... its just very lonely and very painful right now and when I can't even consider being with someone else I am left to wonder how he can and how he can just forget me and not even have a thought...

:( :( shell

Shell,

I'm so sorry. Really, there's no more I can say.

Is it possible to move out of this house. That is SO bad for you and the last thing you need to do is be around a bunch of memories.

Artlady's right though, you just can't make someone love you.

Try to take it one day at a time and some time in the future you'll realise you've stopped counting the days and that smiling's not so hard anymore. I know it's hard to believe but it WILL happen.

Stay in touch, vent. Be you... but most of all be truthful, with yourself!

Accept the way you feel, don't validate the feelings that aren't helpful.. you know the ones I mean. :)


Truly, best of luck.

Hi Shell
I'm really sorry for your pain , it's something we see on here day in day out :( But don't apologise for wanting to speak about it , that's what we're here for. So anytime you feel sad or just want to talk to someone just come on here and vent , we're all very good listeners.

It's not easy but believe me it does get easier with time .

The reason he can just up and leave is because he has been thinking of this for some time , its not something he just woke up with one morning and thought I want out of this. So his emotional issues are pretty well done and dusted whereas it seems to you it just happened out of the blue.

Don't try and contact him because that will just push him further away , if you let him be he may just start to miss what he had. If its meant to be it will happen.

The best thing you have done is to wish him well, and leave him alone. Yes it hurt bad, but time will heal you.