A year ago if you would have told me that we would be having all of these problems I would have called you a liar. My step daughter I will call her "Jennifer" for the sake of the question was my best friend and an awesome A student before this last year. There was a death in the family where her grandfather (my husband's father) passed away and she has not been the same since. She went from normal clothing and behavior to all black and blatant disregard for any and all authority. We have taken her to therapy and she is now on antidepressants but it seems to only be getting worse (related or unrelated to her grandfather passing away) The only time she seems to bring up the pain of his death is when she is getting in trouble for something that she has done which is leading her mother, father, and I all to agree that she is using it as a reason to get out of trouble. She started hanging around with a boy that has a criminal record and has been in and out of rehab (yes rehab at 14?! ) and her mom has since taken away her phone and grounded her as well as forbidding "Jennifer" from seeing this boy (which obviously hasn't helped). Although I have been there for her, listened to every problem, etc I am finding it increasingly hard to differentiate between her lies and the truth. I have caught her several times blatantly lying to all of us and I really don't know what to do anymore. I want to make sure that she is safe but at this point I am at a loss at what I should be doing to help her. Any ideas??
It really breaks my heart to see her change like this...

A couple of things,

Yes rehab at 14, read the posts of the teens thinking they are grow at 12, having sex, drinking and more and thinking it is normal. So yes the number of 14 year old girls who are parents, or drug addicts is not surprising at all any longer.

Well first, your step child, you really do nothing, the parents have to work together on this.

First a 14 year old is a child and can be treated as such if you have to.

1. dress in black
OK who is buying all the black clothes, who is letting her keep it in the house, and who is letting her out of the hosue while wearing it. ** not that I personally care about what you dress, god only knows my dress as a tennager in the 60's. But complain of what a 14 year old wears, it is easy, the parents throw out anything not proper and only buy them what they want them to wear.

And yes, computer and phone only in a public place, you control their actions.

But if this counseling is not working, do they need to go more often, do they need a different couselor?

I am not exactly sure that you read what the problem was at all.
The problem isn't how she is dressing although that is definitely a sign that things have changed. I went through a phase in high school where I wore black and I don't necessarily believe just that is a problem. The problem is that she tries manipulating all of her parental figures when she is in trouble by bringing up her grandfathers death in the middle of an argument (which is not right). Also, she is not doing drugs but she is involved with a boy that has been in and out of rehab and also jail. She also tries (and fails miserably) to try to turn us all against each other. I guess I was just hoping that someone that has gone through a similar situation could give me some advice that might help.

I would question why a stepmother's best friend would be her 14 year old stepdaughter. I'm also a stepmother. I'm their friend; I'm their confidant; I'm also their stepmother, not their best friend. I think it's unhealthy to confide my adult problems to a 14 year old which is what best friends do. We certainly spent one on one time together, family time together, but I am their father's wife. I am not their best friend.

You said that she is on anti depressants.Perhaps she needs to be seen by the doctor who prescribed them and put on something else.
Anti-depressants have been known to be dangerous for some teenagers and if she is on them without seeing a therapist ,I would rethink that.

Here is a list of things to look for with a teen on anti-depressants

What to Watch Out For in Children or Teens Taking Antidepressants

If any of the following behaviors appear for the first time, seem worse, or worry the child, parent, or guardian, a medical professional should be contacted right away.
#

New or more thoughts of suicide
#

Trying to commit suicide
#

New or worse depression
#

New or worse anxiety
#

Feeling very agitated or restless
#

Panic attacks
#

Difficulty sleeping (insomnia)
#

New or worse irritability
#

Acting aggressive, being angry, or violent
#

Acting on dangerous impulses
#

Being extremely hyperactive in actions and talking (hypomania or mania)
#

Other unusual changes in behavior

This may or may not be the problem but I think it is worth looking into.

Okay, the board is testy this week. Fr. Chuck only chose one point to illustrate, wearing black, but the sentiment was... parent the 14 yo. If she is going out with someone you don't like, remove the possibility. Don't allow it, ground her, tether yourself to her, shadow her, send her to live with relatives till it blows over, whatever will work in your situation. But take back control. When she violates this moratorium make it hurt. No money, no phone, no decorations in room, no TV, no radio, no iPod, no anything. Basically make her earn her privledges back. The more extreme she goes the more extreme you go. Also more counseling might help. The more she is in counseling the less she is with him. And she may develop a bond with the counselor who can break into what is really happening.

His advice also lends itself to the using of the death of a grandfather. Take all steam out of it. "Yeah I am sad too. I knew him longer than you!" or "Right, I am so sad I think I will screw up too....gamble your college fund away, quit my job because I just can't hack it either"... be creative. Then listen to her and try to get to the root.

Finally, I really think artlady was spot on. Those drugs do crazy things and may be contributing instead of helping.

YOu only give a small window into what is happening. What is so clear to you may not be clear to those out here in cyber space. If someone is not spot on, ignore them and read the rest. But we are all trying to help, so be kind.

The Board tends to get testy when one persons posts in two names, which I believe is what is happening here. Not too hard to figure out the two names, either.

Sometimes whether advice is "spot on" depends on what else the person has posted.

Thank you

Thank you I believe you are right.

What are you talking about?

Comments on this post
Fadingxlullaby (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/fadingxlullaby.html) : what are you talking about?

This site takes a dim view of Alias Abuse. This is what we call it when someone creates a second account and posts from that name to attck others who disagreed with a post from the first name.

Both your ID and the amayko ID post from the same IP address. That indicates that the two are the same person or related. Unless an explanation is given to justify the two accounts, both will be banned.

How petty I am?? I will point out that

a) you used the comments feature in violation of the rules, apparently because you mistakenly think it will hurt my ratings, instead of just explaining

b) You posted in support of your alleged co-worker with explaining the relationship, again inappropriately.

So, I think it is clear here who is being petty.

I'm not going to ban you at this point, but any further violation of the rules will result in a ban.