Good Afternoon,

I recently entered into a committed relationship with my best friend about 6 months ago. God she is an amazing woman in so many ways. Anyway, we went from seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week prior to thanksgiving to full blown almost everyday practically moved in togethor between Thanksgiving and New Years.

While she has endured one of the most stressful events one might endure through the holiday season, the romance slowly dwindled. I'm not in a touch feely mood, or I'm tired... etc. All right, that's fair and understandable. Then three weeks into Janruary at diner she looks me in the eyes and says are you all right? Well the children were present so I replied yes. Later that evening I let her know I was beginning to become sexually stressed because we haven't made love in three weeks. Wow, I made it three weeks... that's an accomplishment. Anyway, two days later she clearly took my talk to heart. Started trying to be more romantic, blowing on the back of my neck. And yes while we had sex, it clearly wasn't love. It was more of a chore or responsibility.

Naturally this didn't settle well in my stomach. So I decided it time to talk again. I sat her down and asked her what was happening to us. She explained she felt smothered. Which is understandable, we did move a little too fast. We both laughed and agreed. Then that dirty little line came out. "I do love you, but I'm just not in Love with you!"

O.K. so I gave her her space for the next two days, didn't call or emaill. Cold turkey, no communications. Then she calls me and says "hay, just because I said I needed space doesn't mean dissapear on me." Now I was putting my children to bed, and didn't know how to reply so quickly ended the call. So it's clear to some level she misses having me in her life. After two days. But talk about strings... that line could mean I miss you as a friend... I miss your love... you fill in the blank. I fell like a puppet.

So the next day I called her back to ask what she meant by it. Her reply, "I don't think much about stuff like that, I just act." Still didn't explain how she meant it. So like a fool I email her the next morning, to wish her a good week. Two days have passed, I haven't said or heard a peep from her. My children and I have been working on a homemade valentines day gift for her since new years. The kids hearts will be broken if I don't give it to her. But if she is unwilling to stop toying around, and completley open herself to me. Communicate she has made a mistake and do everything shy of grovelling for forgiveness my gut tells me to stand my ground, don't call or write, and not to give her the kids gift.

Any insight is much appreciated.

Thank You All,
Youth Fountain

If you don't give her the kids gift ,then your cheating the kids.They had nothing to do with this.

Aside from that she told you she is not in love with you.That's pretty straight and to the point.

I'm not sure what mistake she made that you are referring to except perhaps that she said she needed space but did not specify how much space.

You have a communication problem.

You need to discuss what you both expect from the relationship and if see if you can have a meeting of the mind.Have clear expectations and be realistic and go from there.

If you want groveling and all that other nonsense because of someone's inability to communicate ,that's asking for a bit much.

Not everyone is good at communication and some people are generally confused when it comes to expressing their emotions.Our emotions are not always black and white and you need to be more understanding.

Good luck.

Haven't been where you are exactly...

I dated a single mother of one... met her after I had lost a big love (she cheated) and I was ready to leave town and follow another career... then I start to date and get wrapped up in the "do i change my life for this woman???"... well we dated, then not-ish, even tho' we still saw each other a lot... it was our Not Dating Dating Period.

When we met to talk about "what are we doing", both expecting to have the book closed and done, we left agreeing to try again. Eventually we married. Hallmark made for TV movie ending, I know.

I think its good for you to have told her "the door is unlocked but you need to open it yourself"... you need her to be comfortable and ready... as for the kids pic... that's a tough one.

You can send it, telling her the kids wanted to do this and you aren't trying to pressure her... they just loved making a card...

Or you can tell them that you will hold it for her until you see her again, and you don't know when that will be.

Honestly, if reality is too much for her (that the kids like her and have some attachment), that's not the worst thing to know. You don't want to have to manage her too much, and the facts are the facts. You like her, the kids like her, she needs some space to reload and rethink.

Id probably give her the card and then give the space and in the meantime expect nothing to change. Hopefully, if its right, shell come around. But if she doesn't, well, it wasn't quite right, and its good to know that too. The kids made the card for it to be given... its not a ring. It's a card from a couple of great kids.

Honestly... the I love you but I'm not in love with you... while that line is an ugly one at times... I think here its not the most unreasonable assessment.

I liked my wife large when we were dating, but it took some time before I really felt honest love and not just likeful lust. Id almost rather have a person take some time to work it out than to be the Instant In Love type.

It sounds like yet another friend-zone situation, you guys were friends before the relationship and that's just how she sees you. It could be an attraction thing.

I say this because I can relate to her, I could never seriously date one of my friends, there's just something about it that makes it feel so unnatural.

This may not be the case, but it usually is.

Wow,

First thank you both for your insight. You've offered a fresh perspective on some issues I was aware of, yet over looked in heat of the moment. Interesting how our emotions have a way of doing that. I think effectively communicating during an emotional period is something I'll spend a little more time working on.

I guess regardless of how it turns out at minimum I want my friend back. Space she shall have, and if and when she opens that door we will talk. If not, oh well. But it sucks losing such a good friend over something as silly as lack of communication. You know the silly part, we used to tell each other everything. Goodness, we know things about each other our families don't know!

Yeah, not giving her the gift is cheeting the kids. So she will get it. And if she doesn't open that door between now and then I'll ensure she understands it's just a gift from the kids.

Even though I do not yet have complete closure, your site has help me see things a little more clear. Thanks for the releif.

Appreciative,
Youth Fountain

For her to open a door you have to keep it unlocked. You surely did move to fast and I think going back to a couple of times a week would really help. Another thing that bothered me is your own high expectations for her to express her feelings to you, and the unreasonable I think, expectations of those feelings being what you want to hear.


Started trying to be more romantic, blowing on the back of my neck. And yes while we had sex, it clearly wasn't love. It was more of a chore or responsibility.


What the..? Your own feelings are getting in the way and turning her overture of affection and yes sex into something else, a chore? I hardly think so.

You really could adjust your attitude, and meet halfway, like appreciate her efforts


O.K. so I gave her her space for the next two days, didn't call or email. Cold turkey, no communications. Then she calls me and says "hay, just because I said I needed space doesn't mean disappear on me." Now I was putting my children to bed, and didn't know how to reply so quickly ended the call.

First off what your doing isn't giving her space, its ignoring her!! Big difference. That's not even friendly. You went from smothering to... nothing. That's not the message to send.


So it's clear to some level she misses having me in her life. After two days. But talk about strings... that line could mean I miss you as a friend... I miss your love... you fill in the blank. I fell like a puppet.

You clearly are over reacting at this point and missing her whole point. She wants you in her life, but not to be her whole life. That simple.



So the next day I called her back to ask what she meant by it. Her reply, "I don't think much about stuff like that, I just act." Still didn't explain how she meant it.

Its obvious your communications with her are limited by your lack of listening, as you want to nail down in exact terms every little thing she says, and you screw it all up by too much of your own input.

Communications is talking and listening, and being PATIENT enough to back off, and think in reality, and not what you think you hear. It takes time to figure it all out so go slow, and bring the fun, friendly stuff back, and leave the deep thoughts, for much later.

It takes a lot longer than 6 months.

Amazing!

You are good. Thank you for the help. Now time and clear communication will tell.

Thank YOu

Have to spread some rep but talaniman your great!

All right,

So I typed my baby a nice little email explaining I now see what she was trying to say. Or so I think... becuase we still haven't talked about it. I've learned problems just don't go away... you need to talk through them. And dropped her a little sweet voicemail letting her know I emailed her, and would love nothing more than just getting togethor for a little fun.

She replied with "I have way too much going between now and the weekend to go into what you have questioned. Give me a few days and I will have the time."

So I gave her the space she asked for. I heard her... omgoodness... a step in the right direction. When she called I started to say "I would like to say something. Before you"... bam she immediately interupted and explained that's what pushed her away. I feel the need to talk about the deep stuff too much. Understandable. Except I was going to finish with "before you say anything, I don't feel the need to talk about it now. I just want to enjoy our time." So I got the chance to let her know I miss the good times, laughing, kids, etc. we did allot of catching up. Had some laughs. It felt good.

But ironically she is now questioning if we are truly compatible. Time will tell. But for now, no expectations.