Hi everyone,

I've been in a relationship for the last 13 years. It wasn't a perfect relationship but after that many years you grow close to someone and you know so much about them. Last night I get the word they aren't in love with me anymore and by this morning I was being told they probably will move out shortly and won't be back tonight. I'm devastated! I tried to discuss what the problems were and possibly doing couples therapy but all my suggestions were shot down with "its not really you" and "Just let me go".

Any helpful words would be great appreciated. I knew there were problems but I also knew how much love I felt. I'm just lost...

What kind of dog lays that on a partner of such long term standing?

This is a good time for some more info, and a vent, or rant too! We understand. So what happened?

I don't even know what to say. We had dated for several years before moving in together. When we did the relationship wasn't perfect and after living together for about 4 years we decided to move apart to give each other room and hopefully help the relationship. After 3 years we were still together and decided to move back in together (that was 7 months ago). This crummy economy took my job so I have been unemployed (but trying very hard and helping around the home etc.. ). I even started therapy so I could try to feel better about things and deal with some issues of my own. Things seemed to finally be moving slowly in the right direction.

THen last night we sat down and I was told "I'm not in love with you anymore...I love you but I'm not in love with you". First I got real mad.. then I got real sad. By this morning I realized it wasn't a dream and on the way out I was told "I'm leaving...I probably won't be back tonight"... I said OK bye and without a word they walked out. Also I was told last night that they would probably have to move out since I don't have a job so I wouldn't be able to move out. I kept asking if we could finally do counseling or something to figure out the problems... and I was told just to let it go.

I've cried... I've prayed... and in between submitting resumes I've just sat in a dazed fog all morning. I don't know what (if anything) I should do next.

Your in shock, as you probably didn't see this coming. I mourn your loss with you, do you have friends or family who are a good shoulder at this time? I expect a lot of crying and that's not a bad thing as why keep all that hurt inside?

Is he really worth it though? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like he waited for a low point and took advantage of it! Curious where he went, to his parents?

Yes... I am in shock and I am having major crying tonight. I don't have any friends or family so my isolation is even worse but I'm doing my best. He went to work and I suspect will stay with friends tonight... and then pop in and out during the weekend... probably never spending any real time here with me. This is so shocking because we had just been planning possibly moving to San Francisco and buying dogs etc... then this hits me last night. I do a lot of praying and I've learned to cry to myself. I do get lonely and Yes.. I'm so scared right now being alone. But we take it step by step I guess.

I want to say he isn't worth this because of the way he did this.. but he is a very sweet person... so I don't know why this happened or where it came from...

Is there anything I can do besides work on myself? The sadness and loss is so major right now.

Sounds as if your whole life was wrapped up in him. How did that happen, that you have no friends, and he does?? Not to be nosy, but I have many questions, if your up for it?

Sure.. >I don't mind questions. I've always been someone who didn't have a lot of friends. Its sad but at a certain age I just found it very hard to find new friendships so my love and my home became my life. I often thought about making new friends but didn't. So yes... I was always in a very vulnerable place being like that. I see that now. My life is wrapped up in him right now... mostly because I've been unemployed so my day is spent looking for work and working my time around him arrival home and preparation of dinner etc.. Now.. tonight he isn't coming home. Not a call.. not a message.. not even a hello to check in. It hurts so much. This couldnt' come at a worse time... it hits me when I'm so down.

Has this happen before as you mentioned you had broken up, and got back together? Were the circumstances the same? Also how old are you both?

Yes... he and I broke up once before but we didn't move apart for a while... we stayed very close and moved apart to help. Took the 3 years to just date each other again and finally decided to move in together about 7 months ago. I'm 41 and he's 38. Just a few days ago we were making plans for what we were going to do and when... he sent me a nice message. Tonight I sent a small text message saying "Just saying Hi" and got nothing in reply. Destroyed me. Why can't people who are thinking of breaking up give the person time to work on things... do things... instead of ending 13 years in one evening?

JDLYC I can fell your pain, I have been going through the same thing for a couple of months now.The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep yourself extremely busy. Workout if you don't, go for long walks, try to meet new people. Try to spend time in public places. I use to spend a couple of hours a day in Barnes and Nobles, just to get away from my house which would remind me of my ex, and follow through with NC. Don't text him call him email him nothing.This would probably be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life but I can tell you it does get better with time.

Hey JDLYC,

I am so sorry to hear this- like Dare 81- I have been going through something very similar since Sept.

What I will say is things will get worse- before they get better. Please read our posts- and you will see the hell and then the ray of light-- I know it sounds unreal-- but yes the ray of light does come--

What you should do- is take a big breath-- go NC- I mean total NC- DO NOT pick that phone, reply to emails etc- as this will only confuse you and bring more heartache-- I can say this-- as will I went through this-- back and forth and went insane-- eventually did NC...

You must be in terrible shock now- so best to take a few things in your stride- like sleep when you can sleep, eat well- as you will need all your energy. I found walking helped-- I now walk a lot more and put my iPod on with loud music-- if this works for you do it-- do it a few times a day and break your day.

Please use this site and write/talk whatever is in your heart and mind-- I found this site so helpful-- I don't think I would have survived this, without all the people that reached out to me.
Take care and take each hour as it comes-- there is no rush.

Reading the experience of others and how they healed, and over came their loss will help a lot. A break up at the same time as losing your job, is a steep hill to climb, but can be done.

As you look for work, balance your life with some exercise, and some YOU time. Do something good for yourself, as you heal, and rebuild your life. Maybe a class, to learn a new skill, will get you around people, and help you network, to find that hard to come by job.

Don't isolate yourself, as you go through this No Contact period, reach out to old family, and friends, whom you haven't seen for a while, but the key is to mourn your loss, and move on.

You have spent enough time depending on him, now its time to depend on yourself. Building a life that you enjoy, is the hardest thing you will do, but it's the most rewarding thing you will ever do, also.

Good luck with that job, and consider yourself lucky your through with that selfish partner, no matter how sweet he was, as you deserve much better treatment than he gave you.

You have to grieve the end of a relationship just as we grieve a loss in death.What once was, will never be again and the pain is overwhelming at times.

You can't make someone love you again.When love is over,there is no going back.

From your history ,it sounds as if you did have some clue things were not going well but when we are in love we are also often in denial.

As Talaniman said,concentrate on yourself and building a life without your partner.

When you become free of a relationship,you learn to think of yourself first and it is only when you are truly happy by yourself that you will ever be ready to think about being with someone else again.In this way the relationship is a compliment to you and not a dependency that you must have to feel complete.

Take baby steps to heal yourself.Do things for yourself that maybe you have neglected for the past 13 yrs. Spend some money on yourself,buy some new clothes or take that class that has always interested you. It is also a great way to make like minded friends.

Being alone is not horrible.See it as a time of personal growth.Start a journal and write out your daily progress as a single person.

It could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you,you will learn that ultimately it is you and you alone who create your happiness.

Best of luck!

Thank you everyone. It sure hasn't been an easy night for me. I find not having friends and family the hardest part. I felt such loneliness last night that I called a Prevention line... not because I was considering suicide but because I knew someone nice and understanding would be on the other end.

I was told he wouldn't be coming back to the apartment last night but he did. VERY drunk. I made the mistake of trying to hold him this morning (knowing it wasn't going to turn out good) and after a few attempts to put my arm over him in bed... he blocked my arms and said no. We had a long discussion about things... and I'm still very hurt and hurting. I just want to move past this pain. I know it's a process I have to go through... and I will do it.

I think the hardest part is that he keeps telling me it isn't our relationship that changed.. its him and no matter what I do or we do for the relationship... it won't change him. I see no road to getting back after hearing that.

I am so sorry for you. Sometimes it's very hard to move ahead and I think at this point you will have too. He told you it wasn't you,it was him. So you have done nothing wrong. Thirteen years is along time to spend with someone, and its even harder when you don't have a close support system to turn too. I think now you have to move ahead, and don't let your emotions get in your way. The more you stay stuck now the worse it's going to be. I wish you the best and we hear to listen.

I am forcing myself to go outside today. He is sitting in the bed recovering from a hang over and crying a little. I just want to be there to help... I've gone in a few times but each time after a little bit he tells me to leave. I just feel like every moment I sit with him I can keep the pain away. The second I walk out of the room and close the door... the pain comes sweeping back. Awful

He needs space to deal with his own demons, and some fresh air will do you good.

I think the first thing you need to do is sort your living arrangements out- I think he needs to move out.

Do not share that bed with him now-- if he has to stay for a while- stick him on the seatee! Or on the floor!

The sooner he packs and goes the better- so do this for yourself.

Second: I think you then need to make your place as nice as you can for you and so when your at home you can find peace around your things and not have anything of him reminding you as that will hurt you.

Once you get the two things out of the way, then you can slowly start to work out what you can do, how you can do it etc... you can worry about that when you come to that point-- right now the above needs sorting out.

It will def take time- but what will help you now is your strength, faith and determination- grab whatever you have inside you tight and do not let that go.

YOu said yourself that you can't see yourself going back- as probably so much damage has been done-- deep down you know he has to go now and so start working towards that.

13 years is a very long time to spend with someone- imagine this- you could have spent that time with a better person, who would have loved you with a lot more respect- I tell myself this as well- daily-- again and again.

Finally remember you are worth so much more- just because he can't see it or showed it to you does not mean your not worth it-- YOU ARE and I am sure may people on this site will tell you so.

Oh yes- your not alone- we are all here to listen and help as much as we can- and you will get many advice and support.

If he really feels like leaving, stop giving him a safe haven, and let him sleep in the gutter.

He made his choice, let him live with it.

I went out today... walked around with the only friend I have but as the day closed I realized I would be returning to the empty home where he had already left. My friend did keep telling me (as many of you have) to leave him alone. Don't overly speak to him. To be honest... I can't imagine him moving out right now. I don't have a job and though he might still pay the rent until it runs out in May... I think being here alone... with empty spaces where his things were... would destroy me.

It's amazing how much the world and its colors change when you have this type of devastation in your life. Things outside seemed so evil and unfriendly. I'm thankful for this board... I check it all the time during the evening as everyone's words really give me strength. Saturday night is going to be awful so I'm trying to prepare myself. Too cold to go outside... I have learned one thing from this... NEVER build your entire existence around another person. No matter how much they love you and promise you... no matter how much they seem like they're forever... no one should be your world.

Maybe that's why your going through this. To learn some good life lessons, and develop new skills in coping with the reality of life. That might be a painful lesson, but its not necessarily a bad thing in the log run.

You may also find your much stronger than you think. That's what I observe of you any way.

Honey , life is hard ,but love is so much harder.

Your smart,I can see that from your posts and you sound very nice,trust that you deserve good things and good things will happen!

It's that *secret thing*...

Yah.. I'm developing a list of priorities right now and trying to remain focused on them... its very hard in this early stage of this loss... I don't hate him for not being in love with me. He has tried so I can't sit back and really bad mouth him or hate him. It is just ironic how someone that has given me so much safety and security can so easily take it from me. I know this says more about my life and how I've chosen to grow myself.

My priorities are: find work... get a new apartment... then start to grow friendships in this big world. I can NEVER be without a support network. I am not strong enough to do this again.

I know he should move out. Waiting here not knowing when or if he's returning leaves me even more sad. I have one friend that I would have had come over tonight but he doesn't like him and wouldn't allow him here so I just walked around with them and said good bye. I keep feeling that I have these things to learn from this break up and then my mind immediately draws me back to my ex and says "But why didn't I do these things when they were still in love with me...they may still be in love if I had" those thoughts destroy me.

I called the Prevention line again... when I returned home... he was gone.. no friends to call... I sat down and immediately my neighbor began playing loud music and I just fell apart. The people on the line are friendly and they help me through the deepest points. I know my ex isn't happy... we cried together this morning because I know he's doing what he needs to get healthy.

Nights are the hardest part... sleeping is impossible. I start to sleep and my body jerks me awake and immediately I realize the horror of my life and I cry. Guess I'm not particularly strong

Nights are the hardest part...sleeping is impossible. I start to sleep and my body jerks me awake and immediately I realize the horror of my life and I cry. guess I'm not particularly strong

When I've had break ups or stress in general, I can't sleep. If you can get up and go for a walk. I've gone on late night walks at all hours for 20 minutes to 2 hours and it can really clear you head out. Sitting in bed when you can't sleep only keeps you up.

On this topic, get a gym membership and absolutely burn yourself out exercising on a ellipitical or stairmaster machine. The harder you work your body, the more you start thinking about how hard you are working, and you also get into shape. Double win.

JDLNYC I know its hard right now, I'm going through it also. I put so much time and effort in my ex that I don't have many friends either. I also feel so lonely. But really, getting a membership at a gym or something helps so much, and just being around people helps greatly. Today really I wanted to go up to someone at my gym and just ask if they wanted to go out tonight.

I guess I've realized that while I'm still living here with him... I need to just stay out of his way... not engage in too much conversation and basically talk to him when he decides to talk to me. I think my going at him about the pain... looking for support from him... only makes the situation harder around here. I spent all tonight just sending resumes after I got through a bad time of loneliness. I have a gym membership and had planned to start again on Monday until my life fell apart. I guess I should still do it.

Is it natural to worry about finding a new person in the future. I am filled with fear that I won't find someone... the fear of having to go on dates... the fear of having to put myself out there... I just can't imagine doing that and it sends terror and sadness through me.

JDLNYC if you need someone to talk to you can pm me or something I'm alone tonight also

I don't know how to PM

Go over my name and click it, it will say private messaging

I don't have that option... its all right... but I'm wondering if its best to just not speak to my ex unless he speaks to me. TOday when I was trying to share my feelings with him and even trying to be in a good mood about it... he was bothered by me... he's been out all day and tonight... so I'm not sure when he'll return but I'm thinking I need to just not speak much to him anymore... so hard to do... but is that fair to do?

That's tota;;y fair to do, to bad you even have to see him. If I had to see my ex everyday and the fact that she is seeing a guy now it would make me nuts. Haha even though I already feel like I'm going nuts. So when does he plan on moving in with his friend?

Here try this, try going to my profile at the top of your page, then go to edit options under settings and options. Under messaging and notifications it says enable private messaging, is that clicked?

Funny... I don't have a private message option. Perhaps because I'm a new member? It will be hard with him here... but he said he's going to be out a lot... which in some ways is much much harder... I never know when he'll come back and I still find myself working around his schedule.

I tried so hard this morning to find something in him that would tell me he still cared... and he cares.. but the kindness isn't there... almost overnite it disappeared. That is so hard to be around. I want to disappear so he has to live with his decision instead of being able to come in and find me here whenever he wants.

Yeah I totally agree with it must be really hard to even see his face. Yeah I know what you mean when you try to reason even kind of beg to work things out in a relationship, its so hard when it feels like they no longer have any feelings for you anymore. Once he is gone though it will be much easier on you, are you eating at all? I know its hard for me to eat right now. But with the gym start going there tomorrow, I've been going to mine 2 times a day and it really helps to get rid of the stress, also to be around people.

Ask Me Help Desk - FAQ: <u>Other Forum Features</u> (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/faq.php?faq=vb_board_usage#faq_vb_pm_explain) click on that and you will see at the bottom enable private messaging, reason I ask is do you have msn messenger? We can talk through that it would be a lot easier. Up to you though

Acutally the 2nd sentence when you click that is this (This feature may be turned off in the Profile Options. The below applies only to members who have not turned the feature off. ) click the profile options first.

Wow, just reading that hit me hard as if that were to happen to me I would probably feel just the way you do right now. 13 years is a really long time, a big part of your life,but not the "rest" of your life. A very very wise woman my mother who past away when I was 6 gave me a little speech( she gave me a relationship speech because she new she was going to pass away). There is a reason why people come and people go. They are there to teach you new things, find apart of you that you never knew was there, Bring out feelings that are amazing, and then bring them down and rips your heart out... which teaches you how to handle a new situation. And when they leave, don't cry, be strong, be independent. He was meant to be in your life, he changed something he must of, and you loved him, But maybe its best for you to be without him. Him leaving may be your ticket to say hey let me go out there and make some new friends now what do I have to loose. And it could be the best thing in your life. I myself do get upset. Me and my girlfriend fight all the time and when we say things we don't mean but at the time it hurts I cry and I think to myself why am I crying over somebody else when I know I love myself and if somebodies not happy with me why would I want to keep them around knowing I'm not what they are looking for, or I didn't turn out the way they thought I would, or that they could change me like they thought they could. It's a waste of time. You will feel empty because that's what you knew, But go make a new "knew" and he will be your past.

*Remember independents is very sexy on a woman*
I love you hunny feel better!

Guess it isn't meant to be... says I don't have that user privilege. My ex just came home and I've only said hello to him. I will leave it at that and I have no plans to speak more to him. Its absolutely awful how fast love can change. Just last week I would have been part of his Saturday plans... now I am an outsider observing what he does. Is it normal to hate him?

I would say it was normal, in a way I hate my ex. I'm so pissed at her right now. But again there is nothing you can really do but to just move on, and just better myself. I bet it will be nice though when he's out. I just feel really bad for you that you have to keep seeing him, that must be really tuff.

Well my ex basically came in and said "going to bed"... I just said night and he's gone in the bedroom. I wanted to be more hurt because he didn't spend any time with me... but for now... I know I have to let him be. Spoke to a friend online who said that I have to give him time to remember me... it would work best if I could leave but this is the best I can do until I move out. Not give him any part of me beyond just a simple greeting and polite exchanges. He made promises to me during Christmas... wonderful home movies were made and nice presents were exchanged. Now in only a month... it all ends. Such a waste

Of course its normal to hate him, By him ignoring you because he's acting like a big baby could just drive somebody crazy!! But don't show him that your hurt. GOOD FOR YOU do say hello! If you go for a snack offer it to him don't do the silent treatment. Show you're the mature one.

Well I've found that he's disliking any attempts I make to talk... even if its nice talk. Of course when I see his rejection I get into emotional mode and start crying or asking him to talk more to me and he immediately shuts down and I look like the problem. I think I have to do the no contact the best I can living here with him. He's doing that to me. He comes and goes... tries to stay out all day and when he does return.. he simply goes to bed. How awful of him to treat me like this... I've been so kind to him for 13 years. While I've been unemployed I've done nothing but his laundry, cooked for him, did all the dishes... I did all the grocery shopping... and now... because I'm not the person he fell in love with (his words not mine)... he's going to ignore me... and act like I'm so awful and need to be ignored. Hurt and anger is what he's made me feel tonight. I knew he'd come in but honestly I thought he might sit with TV or at him computer... didn't think he'd literally say "hi"... then "going to bed"... but I'm proud I only said "nite" and didn't give him any reaction. I'm sure he thought I'd have one. Sad

HI JDLNYC,

Best to just think of YOU and only YOU right now, even thou it is very difficult.

Let him sulk, winge like a immature child if that is how he wants to be-- at the end that shows how weak and disrespectful he is being.

Don't let in to his sulky ways- and keep doing whatever you have to do and create they gap and space that you desperately need at this difficult time.

Oh Yes another one thing- don't do anything for him now- no cooking, no laundry nothing-- let it all pile up for him to do- I think you have done more than your fair share and frankly you dont owe him anything anymore!!

Instead of doing the above- go and get out of the house and do whatever makes you feel a bit better.

That was going to be my question... the problem is that I'm currently unemployed so he's paying most of the bills, rent etc.. I feel that if I stop doing anything for him he will question then why he needs to pay for things to help me at this time. How awful that I have to wonder things like that about someone who confessed so much love for me for 13 years. I awoke this morning and asked him if we could talk so I can better understand the situation... he asked me to please let him sleep more... so while I sit out here alone... I think I'll tell him that I don't need to talk about it. I can't imagine he'd say anything that wouldn't cause me more intense pain for the rest of the day. I will apologize for waking him and get on with my job search. I know he'll leave for the entire day and evening and only return in time for bed.

How sad that just Martin Luther King day... like 2 weeks ago... he and I had such a wonderful day walking in the snow. Had wine and food at a wonderful little place we found. We played with out new iPhones. How does someone then two weeks later turn stone cold, walk out of your life and stop caring for you?

Hello I know how you feel I went to the same thing and it was 13 years also I was told the same thing also it wasn't me and it hurt very much then I was told that person was seening some one else and now after 4 years it is in the back of my mind why not just be honest so if you believe it was you it wasn't I am sorry

I asked him if there was someone else and he said No... that would make it easier. The more I think about things the more I come up with questions. You know when something happens and all the pieces don't match up? This is how this feels. I would hope he is just changed and is leaving me over his own feelings. At this point I don't think it matters because any trust I had in him is completely shattered. I am working hard not to blame myself for this. Its so easy to think of the things you should have, or could have done. I just keep reminding myself of the things that I did do.

He was my rock. He was my safety for the last 13 years. I can honestly say I never thought he would leave. I only thought of us growing old together. I felt so much love (unconditional) from him. That is why this is so hard. My therapist said I first need to understand that this is a Major loss. Its easy to want to push past it and try to run from the pain. I can't even wrap my head around this and how it could happen. He has become a complete stranger to me in the course of three days.

How does that happen?

STOP!! Enough self examination. Your immediate problem, is getting away from this situation, and standing on your own, away from him.

Handle your business, and cry later.

I asked him if there was someone else and he said No...that would make it easier. The more I think about things the more I come up with questions. You know when something happens and all the pieces don't match up? This is how this feels. I would hope he is just changed and is leaving me over his own feelings. At this point I don't think it matters because any trust I had in him is completely shattered. I am working hard not to blame myself for this. Its so easy to think of the things you should have, or could have done. I just keep reminding myself of the things that I did do.

He was my rock. He was my safety for the last 13 years. I can honestly say I never thought he would leave. I only thought of us growing old together. I felt so much love (unconditional) from him. That is why this is so hard. My therapist said I first need to understand that this is a Major loss. Its easy to want to push past it and try to run from the pain. I can't even wrap my head around this and how it could happen. He has become a complete stranger to me in the course of three days.

How does that happen?


I don't think this really is the time to reflect on your relationship. Its just too soon. Try to deal with pain by keeping yourself busy and you will have enough time later on to figure out what went wrong

I've made the mistake twice now of trying to talk with my ex about this... and both times it twirls into a conversation that upsets him and eventually leaves me feeling worse. No more of that. I can't. He's not the person he was with me before. That person has stepped into a new place and I'm just crying here in the old. I really wish I could move out. I know he does. Living here with him is so hard. He's going to stay away a lot... which is good but tears my heart out. I hate him here but I need him here. Does that make any sense?

JDLNYC you don't need him there, it's just a constant reminder of how he hurt you. Please don't blame yourself on this one. Yes, 13 yrs as I said is a long time to be with someone. Sometimes you think you know this person and the real person comes out at the end. I was in a relationship about 7 yrs ago and was married, I thought I met the man of my dreams, got along great, well when I got married he wasn't the same person and we did divorce. I thought I would grow old with him. He did shatter my dreams and it was the hardest thing to ever go through. I always questioned myself did I do something wrong, or maybe I could have changed things. Well I knew it wasn't me. It's not going to change unless you make it change. Him being there is a constant reminder of him not loving you anymore. You need to go your separate way as hard as it is. He might have issues that your not aware of. It's OK to hurt, but try to keep your distance from him and even sleep on the sofa if you have to, just to get your life back on track. If I knew someone didn't love me, I wouldn't be even close to him, I would get away.. Good luck.

I think I would be calling some friends or relatives. Someone to give you safe haven.

Here's the awful part of where I led my life... I have no friends... not a one... and I'm an only child and my parents have died... so my support system has never existed beyond my ex. Now with no job it leaves me sitting her under his roof now... I'm not trying to give a pity me party but I am seeing why the way I've lived my life doesn't work. I see now why having someone in your life shouldn't be all your life is about. Of course I want to get a job and move out.. but this recession isn't making finding a job in finance (which I do) very easy. I have one ex boyfriend I talk to... he's sort of a friend and he's been there for me a little the last few days. I'm joining a group of people that I can talk to (small group of 5 people who also just went through a break up) so I'm hopeful that will help.

My ex just left saying he'd rather work in his office because he can't be here.. in my presence. I said do you want to watch any of the shows we watch... he said no... I shouldn't have built my life around TV like I did.. its not who I am -- like he's suddenly a completely different person than the one I knew for 13 years. Then he left saying he'd be going to a movie after work so he wouldnt' be returning.

I made him my world... I always thought he'd be there... and both things are now coming back to bite me. He's a very nice person so I can't hate him... he does care for me... and a break is never going to be less painful. My life is mine.. and the mess it is... is what I made of it. That's just a lot to deal with all at one time. Thanks for listening to my drama everyone... I hope a few years from now I can look back and remember these days from a better place.

My ex is starting to talk to me more. Not overly friendly or any discussion of our relationship but last night and this morning he approached me and started talking. I work very hard not to spiral into serious talk and crying.. I am trying not to read more into this... its so easy to hope he's trying to be closer to me again cause now he misses me.

Well. Act as if he is not trying to get back. You need to make your own life. So that if he never comes back, you won't have bee waiting for him. And if he does, than you will be much stronger than you were before and you will be taking him back only because you want it.

You know as I read what you are writing here as this sort of becomes your online journal, which is a tremendous idea by the way, but what I see that I am not sure if you do, is that you are a lot and I mean A LOT stronger then you give yourself credit for. You may be emotional but at the same time I see someone who is also very reasonable and is thinking. You are correct that you shouldn't read too much into what he says, in fact you shouldn't read anything into it. Keep coming back as you need to and keep staying positive.

I will say... I had about two times I was very sad today. I made myself go to the gym after looking for jobs all morning... when I start getting sad about that I made myself head over to the gym and gave myself exactly 1/2 hour on the cardio machine. By the time it ended.. I was feeling pretty sad again so headed home and cried.

I had a meeting today with the leader of a support group I'm hoping to join. What a breath of fresh air. Its nice to talk to someone who understands everything I'm dealing with. I have a regular therapist but this was different. I took my time getting home hoping my ex would have time here alone. Of course by the time I got home he still wasn't here. That made me sad but I didn't need to cry. When he did get home he said hi... Asked me how my meeting went (I just said good) and he grabbed his blackberry and went to bed. This is probably the first time in years he didn't say good night. He even said good night the last few nights after our break up. To be 100% honest... I feel like this behavior is manipulating me and trying to create a certain emotion out of me.

This group leader I met said that often the person who breaks up with someone totally manipulates everything around them and you so it supports their view and their decision. My ex loved playing all types of PC games, he has shows on TV he loves (Heroes, Lost) and he is a avid Comic book collector. In the course of one week... he no longer wants anything to do with any of those things. Its almost like the things that brought him happiness with me... are now all out the window. He can't enjoy any of those things with me around ever again. Now that is very sad.

Before I left for my meeting I received a text message from my ex telling me to "Have a nice meeting"... a very nice gesture but obviously one that confused me a little and made me wish there was more behind it. I just said thanks back. I was expecting him to be nicer when he got home since he had made a nice effort... but he wasn't.

Its not easy to not talk to him. There are so many things I'd love to tell him. I do realize that if I continue to only greet him and basically avoid most information it will both protect me from knowing stuff and keep him more and more out of my life (well my new life).

What do you think that text message was sent for? I think it shows he still cares for me...

Hey JDLNYC,

I think your doing really great- amazing in fact-with going to the gym, looking for work, getting support from groups and keeping busy in such a positive way- Go Girl!

Best thing to do now- is keep going- don't stop as your in a good roll now.

Don't worry about what your Ex texts etc- and don't read into it- as this will only confuse you more and more and set you back.

The more you get up and start doing things for YOU- the more he will probably realise he is messing everything up. The important thing is to focus on YOU and YOU and YOU- let him be and create a good space between you as I am sure he has a lot to think about.
Good luck!

That's the key. I've been told by the few friends I have that I need to leave him alone. I need to give him space. Of course I'm still in that phase of hoping that will bring him back but I remind myself about 1,000,000 times a day that he's not coming back. It appears very permanent at this point.

Even now.. I'm up early (can't sleep most nights) and I'm looking for work before he gets up to get ready for work. My first thought was when he comes out I'll ask him for a hug. I know he'd give me one. That's not good for me. Right now his hug would save me... but the pain 1/2 hour later when he leaves for work... would kill me again.

I keep propelling myself forward in this world. I don't like being alone. I don't want to face the world alone. I was never suppose to have to... he has been there with me for so long and really made me feel safe in the world. Just unbelievable for me that someone can turn so quickly... after so many years

So two minutes after I wrote my entry above my ex woke up and came out and sat with me. That's my weakness because before long I was sitting on the couch telling about my job search, the group I'm joining and even things the therapist said... I mentioned how he didn't even say good night last night and he just shrugged his shoulders...

Tell me if I'm right... he comes out and sits here because he wants to make sure I still care? If he had sat there to talk and I didn't get up or look away from my computer screen... he would have had to deal with the day thinking I was detaching myself from him. Now instead, he gets to go on with his day and know I'm still attached enough. Is that how this appears to the outside world?

Yeah I know that feeling of how suddenly your life just flips upside down because of a decision a partner makes- it is so dramatic and shocking-- the emptiness just kills--there are no words to describe what that feels like.

As time goes by the situation will settle down- I promise you that- and you will slowly see sunny rays of light shining in your day-- it takes a heck of time and it will need determination and strength from you-- there is always a way forward- you just have to find it, with time you will.

You will not face the world alone- you will in time, be more happier with yourself, make new friends and create a new better life for you.

Take each day as it comes and don't rush.

You also at this moment in time need to dettach from your EX- he will not help with the situation your facing, and will confuse you and make you ask a million questions.

Keep yourself to yourself as much as you can- you don't owe him a breifing on what your doing now- what your doing now is for YOU not him.

Maybe it's just me, but his behavior comes off like someone who cheated and is feeling guilty about it, constantly questioning himself, the relationship... wanting to be with you and but not too much like he feels like he doesn't deserve too.

I guess the bottom line is- he ask you to let him go, so do that and give him that.

I am sorry but 13 years is a bloody longtime- a lot of love and hard work would have been placed in that relationship. As relationship has come to an end (his decision)- then the very least he should be doing is dealing with this in a respectable and mature way- the way he is doingit right now SUCKS and is very poor by all standards.

Now instead, he gets to go on with his day and know I'm still attached enough. Is that how this appears to the outside world?
I can't say what HIS problem is, but give him what he wants..!

Yah.. obviously I don't want to consider the idea of another person. I asked and he said no but again.. we have to live together for now and maybe he knew that would create a more hostile environment. I felt like I only talked about myself so just before he left I asked how his work was... he didn't even look me in the eye... said its fine and walked out of the room. I fed his needs when he came out but he wouldn't engage in conversation when I start it.

I agree with Tal,

He is a complete f*********** arse and he is not being fair to you at all. Sorry but I find his actions v frustrating!

I can bet my money that he is not even sure in what he is doing, or what he wants either.

God knows what is going on in his head-- BUT THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Your problem is YOU and how you need to get back on your feet and start walking your life for you- just keep telling yourself that- as that is what matters at the end- YOU matter.

As difficult as it is right now, try v hard not think of what he said, what he did, whether he made eye contact or not. All you need to digest is the situation your facing-- work with that and only that.

Looked for work today.. went to therapy and then decided to see "the Reader"... not a good movie when you're already so down. I left the movie in amazing pain... cried walking home and now I'm just here. I debated sending my ex a email at work... stupid me... I did it. I just said : Just wanted to say hi... so hi He replied; hi

Nothing good comes from contact like that. I knew damn well he wasn't going to say anything that would make me happy. I'm so tired of being sad and hurting but I know its going to be a very long time before I feel normal again. I feel almost as bad as I did the first day today. I don't know why... just feel like I make progress then slip back... its awful

I really know what you mean, but here is a idea for you. I just did it actually, go to meetup.com and join a group of your interest around you, meet some new people that way. I just joined a group today and there meeting on Thursday . Just an idea

Now you all have me wondering if he has someone else. I mean for the last 7 months. We've lived here he has friends but was usually here most nights. NOW... after the break up he seems to have some place he can go every night and not return until 12 or 1. I doubt he's at bars or walking in the winter weather... so now I'm thinking I wonder if he has someone's place he can now go to. That would make me hate him even more... just such a quick change in less than a week...

I doubt it was a quick change, maybe you just started to notice it.

Well now he's talking more to me. This morning he came out three times before he left for work and asked how I was (I was doing resumes and job stuff) and then right before he left he came to me and asked for a hug. Then tonight he comes home (first time he's been here before 11 or 12 since the break up) and sits right near me and talks to me for quite a while.

I don't want to make too much of this... but should I see it as a good sign? I think I know one answer... there is no reconciliation until he literally walks up to me and asks me... its up to him to do it... not up to me to figure it out. I just grab onto this new communication as maybe meaning more...

I don't want to make too much of this...but should I see it as a good sign? I think I know one answer...there is no reconciliation until he literally walks up to me and asks me...its up to him to do it...not up to me to figure it out. I just grab onto this new communication as maybe meaning more....

You are right. You know the answer. He caused this issue and now it's up to him to resolve it should he want to, and more important now should YOU want to. His behavior belongs to him, do your best to ignore it, I know it's easier said then done, but you can't start playing rollar coaster because his behavior is not consistent. You've done nothing wrong here, so you have to try and focus on yourself.

I think your doing the best for yourself, focusing on the future, looking for work, and staying busy and positive.

Yah cause he was all talking to me when he came home... showing me iPhone apps and pictures of he and his friends from a bar he just took... then he ran out to therapy and 3 hours later he hasn't returned. I am allowing myself to be used... I make him feel good about himself before he runs out... He can't have me nice here... and go out and have it nice somewhere else... that's not fair to me...

that's not fair to me...

Right now this is the only person you need to be concerned about. And that was his decision, so it's fair to both parties involved and you need not feel guilty or bad by it. Do what's fair to you, for you.

Now he and I are back hardly talking. This just feels like such a awful situation. The pain is awful and its like someone died.. but they keep dying over and over. Thanks for listening whoever reads this. I come here because any words that are written I do listen to and I often re-read all the postings. I guess I am struggling to get out of the hoping he'll change his mind phase. Every thing he does I look for clues he might be missing me enough to change his mind. I don't want him to be nice to me and I don't want him to ignore me... that's the spot I'm in.

Sorry to write again so soon... but I'm struggling to understand things. Even two weeks ago he and I talked about a convention he wanted to attend and we ordered tickets. We discussed what panels he wanted to hear... we joked and laughed. We had a nice Christmas and even last week we watched shows together and talked. How does this suddenly switch in one day? From all that to nothing?

It is exactly like someone dying when the relationship ends. The over and over is a result of him still being there, which is why, as soon as you can, get a place for yourself. You need to distance yourself from him.

As to why he "suddenly" changed only he can say. But I can say this change was not sudden. You don't wake up one day and want out, something happened or he's been thinking about it for some time.

I know its hard right now to remove yourself or him from this situation, but stay focused on what you have to do for yourself, and don't be fooled by his behavior at this point. Whether he is nice or not, you also know he can hurt you and will, at a minutes notice

What hurts a lot is that we just spent the last three years living apart and I held on cause I knew we'd live together someday. Now... after only 7 months. He decides he's done. Couldn't do that before I left my apartment and moved in here. Couldn't do that last year when the economy was stronger and job hunting was easier. I don't know if I should hate him or forgive him.

You will do both eventually. But not now, your focus is you! Stay focused, because if you don't love yourself, who will?

Sorry if I seem to repeat myself, but it's that important.

You have to forgive him, but never for him for you. Holding on to pain does nothing for you and is going to hurt him.

So tonight my ex came home. He walked in the door and asked if I wanted to order dinner together. We did... we ate and watched three shows he's missed this week and laughed. He of course got up and said he's going the bedroom to read and quickly he was in bed asleep. I plan to sleep on the couch tonight but even though I know this is wrong.. it made the pain go away for one night. I know it'll come roaring back in a day or two... but just being able to do something normal felt good with him.

I didn't over communicate the entire evening and I didn't do anything for him... do you all think I should see this as perhaps a good sign or just same ole thing?

I don't get it why are the two of you spending so much time togather. Whenever he wants to hangoiut with you, you are always there, but when you feel like hanging out with him he is not there?

Why take a chance on his feelings? Stick to your own plan. Your obviously room mates.

I guess I see. I kind of knew the answer. I'm always here because I don't have work and very little money and the weather is like 12 degrees outside... so I've been here looking for work and trying to find small enjoyments in thing I like. I do agree that it's all about him and there are times I can completely feel his exerting control over me because I'm easily emotional. The couch thing didn't work cause I simply can't sleep on a couch but I went in well after he was asleep and always wake well before he's up. I guess its bad all around right now. Once the weather improves a little I plan to get out more on my own but for now.. I'm here. Just easy to see hope where there isn't any.

I keep wanting to ask my ex if there's someone else. Just so I know and can fully understand this behavior. EVeryone I know says I should be careful since I'm still dependent on him when I don't have a job... but I just prefer honesty.

The way he treats you is the only honest fact you need to know to make a decision with. His motives are irrelevant, for what you must do for yourself. Why let your plan hinge on him being honest? Don't open a can of worms, stay proactive. His reasons will come to light later.

Join a yoga class or something in that field for relaxation methods. It will help your mind settle things and relax the body. Plus, you'll meet woman who maybe going through the same as you. He is using you. He's got you on a puppet string when he sees fit to play with. Pick yourself off the floor and stop being the carpet for him to walk on.

I keep wanting to ask my ex if there's someone else. Just so I know and can fully understand this behavior. EVeryone I know says I should be careful since I'm still dependent on him when I don't have a job...but I just prefer honesty.

Does it make any difference if there is someone else? If he says there is how is that going to make you feel? Don't ask questions if you are not ready for the answer.

My Dear,how long are you going to allow this emotional roller coaster to continue? This just has to be emotionally exhausting!

Always waiting for him to throw you a bone?
Trying to read into his motivations.Wondering about this and that.

You need to find a friend who can take you in until you get on your feet and stop this dependent relationship that is clearly one sided.

Stop being his doormat.If this is the way someone treats you after 13 years of fidelity the only question you should be asking is why can't I let this go? Why do I cling to false hope that this will magically all turn itself around and we will live happily ever after.

The final question you should ask is how do I build a life without him.

You can do this. You must have faith in yourself and dig down and find the strength in you to be all that you can be.A strong independent woman who can make her own way in this world.

I know... I did ask him when he came home if there was someone else. He obviously wasn't very happy with me asking but said "I told you before..no" so I will take that as the truth and let it be. Then the game started cause he said I wouldn't tell you if I slept with someone else anyway... or Would you really want to know if did meet someone else... he asked that right after telling me no. So it was just enough to leave my mind vague on his answer.

Each day I just get up and get through. Man... if I could get a job I could finally plan my move out of here. That will be my most liberating day... until then this is just going to have to do.

I read the remaining posts. I know I need to get out. Unfortunately without a job or any money I'm stuck until I find work. I don't have friends so that leaves me fairly isolated. I am joining a support group and I've started seeing a good therapist to figure stuff out. I unfortunately don't have a life built around me. It was built around him and his life and his friends. I now see the perils of doing that but it doesn't help to realize that when its too late. I'm not someone who loves to go 20 hours a day doing stuff... so doing a ton of new things all by myself is very difficult at a time like that. I know going forward friendships need to take a front seat in my life before ever getting into a relationship. I also know its not easy making friends when you're at a needy point like I am... people can just tell you're needy.

I do the gym (started this week and went 5 times already). I just want to job hunt all the time because it's the one thing that will remove me from this illness but as I'm sure you all know... job hunting can be very solitary and very depressing (esp. right now).

Has the support group given you any ideas about moving?

I haven't started the support group yet. I've met with the therapist that runs the group and it'll start up in a couple weeks. There isn't any real options for moving until I secure some means to support myself. I am working hard everyday to make that happen. Since this was the first week I REALLY put hard work into looking I guess I shouldn't expect things to immediately start jumping. I keep telling myself it only takes one job... just one job and I can take the next step... find a small place to get out and start to recover on my own. Will continue to be painful on my own... but I think the healing will be more consistent than sitting here waiting for him to return.

There is no way I can come out of this and not be a completely changed person. I've learned you can NEVER completely rely on someone. Everyone has the possibility of changing... even those you think would never leave you or turn their back.

I know I am grateful to my ex for not turning me out. I do hate him right now but that won't last forever when I'm back on my feet. Now I just struggle with not comparing my life to his and feeling jealous of his friends, his money, his job... that's just a nasty path I keep trying to avoid.

Hey JDLNYC,
I think you have made a good start and so keep going.

Important thing is for you to find the opportunity/break to get out of that place- once you do that YOU WILL BE AND FEEL FREE!

As difficult as it is, I would focus on YOU, YOU, YOU, and yep you got it- YOU!

For now- forget the reasons/ hypotheses etc about why the relationship went wrong- if he has someone else etc

Instead CONCLUDE - THAT IT IS OVER. PERIOD-- and try v hard to switch off with all the thoughts in your mind or you will go INSANE.

I know jobs are hard to come by but I often see where someone wants to rent out a room and board in exchange for taking care of a family member .Maybe that is an option you could consider.Your getting a job and a place to stay in one shot.

Tell me if I right about this... his not being here has more to do with him then it has to do with me? I mean... I've been wondering why I'm considered such a bad person almost overnite... can't even be here with me... then it dawned on me today that this is more about how he feels around me - so he stays away to avoid feeling bad.

I didn't put a lot of energy into that but I'm thinking that clears up a little for me. Nice day at the gym, walked to Barnes & Noble then walked home. He's not here as usual and probably won't be all evening but I got a nice nap (haven't slept for such a long time).

He's really going to miss out on a nice person. I know what I gave and if he rejects all that now... sad. His "Disassociative Disorder" type behavior is sad... I asked him today about his comic books he's collected weekly since he was a kid... and he said.. I'm getting tired of them all... this on top of everything he ever did for enjoyment... everything is stopped and is now over. Its like living with a stranger - - someone who I don't see any resemblance to the man I love.

So tonight he told me there was someone else... at least someone else he went on dates with... we talked about some other things he says led up to it... so I think there are various components. I'm hurt but at least it makes more sense. It also helps me realize this is for real... someone else in the picture and I'm no longer expecting him to change his mind. Its weird.. I feel relieved but I wonder if that'll change to sadness over time... maybe not. Its weird... that instinct is there when you think there has to be more reasons... and he did say he's been feeling very guilty about it all - - which would explain his behavior towards me this past week.

I can understand totally when someone would like to know if their ex found someone else. Why? I guess for me I would like to know because than I can cut the strings completely. I would not have that hope maybe he would want me back. I could move on and ditch the jerk. So I think you have the right to know, since it's during when you two were still together.

Jd, your heading in the right direction. It stinks, that you have to rely on him right now, to pull you through until you get a job and a place of your own. I guess you kind of feel like he has the upper hand. Thirteen years you invested, and now out the window. Don't question yourself about anything, because it's not you. Stay busy and take the time to focus on yourself. Limit your conversation with him, as little as possible. You said he has someone else, but usually rebounds never work. You will pull through this and get stronger everyday. Just concentrate on you, and good luck.

Tonight he asked if he should stop asking how I am... I told him I can't tell him what to do.. and he said... well if your therapist says I should talk to you then just tell me... I make my own decisions about if I should talk to him. I'm pretty disgusted with him right now. He claims the dating didn't cause him to leave me... but I said... when you have a new ship... what's the motivation to fix up the older one? Going to take a long time to trust again... just had so many dark, scary days lately... really can't wait for the light again.

tonight he asked if he should stop asking how I am....I told him I can't tell him what to do..and he said...well if your therapist says I should talk to you then just tell me....I make my own decisions about if I should talk to him. I'm pretty disgusted with him right now.

You have every right to be. But I notice something else he's doing and that is he's trying to make himself the good guy by asking you what is best for you. He is trying to reach out to show you he's not a bad guy by asking you what is the best thing he can do for you, trying desperately to rid himself of guilt while positioning himself as the one who is trying to do the right thing, when in fact he is 100% wrong. He may never admit it, but he knows he screwed up and you should take some kind of joy from that. When you are feeling down, remember he knows it's his fault, so feel free to pass the blame his way as you move forward.



He claims the dating didn't cause him to leave me...but I said...when you have a new ship...what's the motivation to fix up the older one?? Gonna take a long time to trust again...just had so many dark, scary days lately...really can't wait for the light again.


You say fix up the older one, like you are the one that needs fixing. He's the one who screwed this up so he's the one that needs to be fixed. I don't know anything about boats, but if I had the chance to get a new Ford Mustang, or a 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500let me tell you, the 40 year old car is the one I'd pick.

Just read your posts from start to finish and I think you ahould too. You started as this weak insecure woman and now you've got angry, I tihnk it's great!! Why should he have all the control? Who died and made him king of the world? Think he enjoys having his little puppet at home waiting for him, the only person who can stop this is you and it looks like your well on your way. Don't let him control you anymore,stand up for yourself, good luck xx

Last night I'm going to bed... he's reading in bed... I just say good night and begin to pull the covers over me and I realize he's helping me. I say "Oh thanks"... then as I lay there he rubs my back a couple of times. I have to believe guilt is really his driving force. His actions are trying to make himself feel better.

Why are you holding out for these crumbs of affection? If he touched me I'd say please don't

I guess after 13 years he's as much family as he is a boyfriend. I also know I have zero self esteem right now. I was so tired I didn't really think much about it until this morning. I don't know where that came from but I suspect he's just making sure I'm not drifting away from him too far. Complicated? Yes. My focus is on getting that job so I can escape from this and be in a neutral environment so my healing can be clean and easier. Praying everyday for a call.

I also know I have zero self esteem right now.


Tony Robbins. People can think you're a quack all they want, I have some of his CD's and there are exercises he can give you that make you feel better with in an hour. I'm not going to say your problems will go away, they won't. You, however, will feel a lot better. I'm sure your library has some of his CD's and if not, certainly his books.

Well now he's telling me he wasn't dating anyone else... says I just jumped to that conclusion. I really think he's playing games with me... just trying to get out of here... 13 years with someone and I never knew he could be so cruel.

well now he's telling me he wasn't dating anyone else...says I just jumped to that conclusion. I really think he's playing games with me...just trying to get out of here...13 years with someone and I never knew he could be so cruel.

JDLHNYC it doesn't matter if he is dating someone else.The important thing here he does not want to be in a relationship with you.( Sorry for being Harsh). I know its hard for you living in the same house and what not, but you really have to move on .Hows your jobs search?

Hi how's everything going now?

Things are OK. I'm getting more and more used to being alone. Tonight I just cooked a nice dinner for myself. He won't be home early most likely. I put the leftovers away for myself to eat tomorrow. I have a job interview tomorrow... we'll see how that goes. The job is paying less than my last position but at this point I have to take what's out there. My ex came to me this morning and cried and told me how sorry he was. I didn't ask what he meant by "he's sorry" but I assumed he meant he's sorry for hurting me like this. He also sent me a funny email today.. something he hasn't done in weeks.

It's been such a journey. I'm going on Saturday morning to orientation for New York Cares (a charity organization) so I might start doing that. I'm also going out to Brooklyn on Saturday to see an old co-worker who I haven't seen in many years. I've also been doing the gym daily. So I would say my life is going along as good as can be expected.

Wish me luck on the interview tomorrow. It might be the start of an upturn in my life... but if not... I'll just keep looking.

Thanks everyone for being there during these weeks...

Looks like you've started the up turn already! Even the tone of your e-mails have changed,which is great. So happy for you and really good luck for tomorrow hope it goes well and keep us informed.

As for him, I think when controlling people feel they have lost you a bit they try to reel you back in,don't let him b@st@rd!!

All I can say is that I hope I learn from my mistakes. Last night my ex came in and I decided to ask him what he meant by "I'm sorry" and yes.. he meant he was sorry about the pain he's caused. I then began to talk a little too much about us and I realized in the back of my mind I had built up a little bit of hope. I had hoped his talking to me and crying and hugging me.. might be showing he was changing his mind. Well the conversation basically showed nothings changed.

It didn't set me back to day one... but it knocked me back a few days in feeling good. I have the interview but of course I was up too many hours feelings sad so I hope I don't look too bad today. I just need to accept this. I have to stop hoping he'll come back and just move forward. My support group starts next week so I'm hopeful that will help me understand how to deal with these feelings.

I was feeling so happy... now I'm scared again. Someone told me its natural to go from good to bad when we're healing. Does that sound correct?

Honey,you are just waiting for him to throw you a bone to validate yourself.No one can validate you but you!

This roller coaster of emotion must be exhausting and you are doing this to yourself.Still waiting for him to say*it was all a big mistake*.False hope is making you see into gestures of kindness as something more.

You have to be firm in your dedication to heal yourself.

Continue to concentrate on you! You are your only priority right now.Know that you have the courage to move forward.

I am sure going from good to bad is just a small part of what one experiences when healing.I am sure you have the run the gamut of emotions. You are in grief and the stages of grief are complex and varied but you can get through it.

Part of the serenity prayer is as follows:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have found it very helpful over the years.

Yes... I can see what you mean. My interview went good but I was told I"m over qualified for the job but they might consider changing the position (and perhaps up the salary) but nothing firm yet. That would be a real indication that I"m moving on out. I'm really exploring some new friends.. and some old ones. Not all are receptive.. but even for now having one or two to occasionally see is better than I had two weeks ago. I do look for little things in gestures and words from him... and I also know he is drawn to me when I appear to be getting healthy and moving forward. Then the second I take that step back to ask him stuff or think more... he withdrawals and it all starts again. No more discussions. I have to learn the best I'll get is a neutral answer and the worse I'll get is something very hurtful. Guess that's what my journal is for...

It is a long road and will be even longer I'm sure. But I can look back at myself a little over two weeks ago and I'm amazed how far I have come. Priorities... Job then apartment then look into building friendships. You know what I don't see in there... a new boyfriend... that's a first for me that I don't want a new one.. and its liberating. In time maybe but I have a lot of healing and growing to do for myself.

Glad to know you are all here to listen to me when I make a mistake.

Sorry about the job.I was told that before too and I was floored.They figured they would train me and then when something better came along I would leave.Not cost effective.I then learned depending on what I was applying for to dummy down my qualifications.Perseverance pays off,you'll get there.

You are making progress in other areas and you may backslide ,don't beat yourself up over it ,just get back on course.

Knowing that you can't replace one pain with another(man) shows great insight into understanding what got you here and how you can have a better future.

Pat yourself on the back... your doing good!

This morning my mind starting trying to put two and two together about certain things and tried to conclude he has a friend that is interested in him... immediately I wanted to go confront him but then I stopped and asked myself two things... Do I know for sure this is truth or just my imagination and what good would come from talking about things again? A friend said I should look at every time I've discussed our relationship and keep a note on how I felt before and how I felt after. He said... do you see a pattern? Do you see that talking to him about the relationship never ends up good.. never makes me feel better? I do now so I need to realize no good will come from talking to him about this stuff anymore.

Its still pulling at me. I went in to get my clothes cause I have an appointment this morning and he was sleeping.. he woke up and said hi.. good morning. Even simple things pull at my heart... but I just morning and went on my way. I'll deal with my pain all to myself. He can only add to it at this point. Trying to learn this stuf

As long as you see him every day, you will have all kinds of confusing emotions, and feelings.

Your trapped, and isolated, and until that changes, thinking too much is your enemy.

Today was the first time I came home and when I found him still here... I was actually unhappy he was here. I just sat and waited for him to finally leave. At least I'm realizing he represents pain my life... and the less exposure I have to him... the better.

Keep moving on- your doing great and with all the hard work and effort your placing, it will only be a matter of time that your break and opportunity will come!
Good luck x

Why are Sunday's always so bad? He left this morning at 10am.. I did my own thing today... but now... after 7pm... he never came back. I know I don't need to care... but how does one stay out that many hours in the middle of winter?

!3 years over and 13 pages of advice.. tell me it happened on the 13th...

13 has always been a lucky number for me.maybe you too?

Let go and move on! I was married for about a year when I and my spouse realized that it wasn't going to work... We both hung on in agony, tourchering ourselves and each other for two more years before we finally called it quits. You already said that things weren't great. So stop being miserable, and let it go. Take this chance to rediscover yourself... really look at what you like to do, and who you want to be, and make that the new criteria of what you want in a mate.

Enjoy the adventure...

Oh yea... you need to take a vacation to las vegas, and call me when you get here we'll have hella fun now that your single :)

Well when he walked in I just said hi. I didn't engage him like I normally would and I've realized by complaining or starting a fight I just feed the power he already has over me. If I keep to myself and channel that anger and energy some other way... it gets better. Every week has been easier than the previous one. These last few days were the first days I could actually see never having in my life again. I always thought he was family and I would have him in my life in some form... but lately... I think he isn't high enough quality to remain in my life. He's just a destructive force. Who needs that

I feel for you. You are a lot like me. I have been in a relationship with my BF for almost 3 years and whenever I get close to him he burns me, you would think I would learn but I always go back. I too made him my whole life and am devistated when he breaks it off with me. I don't really have many friends to turn to. You need to stay strong!

I now realize that making one person the center of your life is a recipe for disaster. You can't 100% count on anyone to always be there. This person in my life I completely trusted with every feeling I've ever had. Then in the course of a few months he changed and everything that I thought was safe... wasn't. I think the problem is that when we make one person so important (and we lack family and/or friends) we often run to them over and over even though they are hurting us... kind of how a child will still love a parent that beats them... its the only support and love they have.

A relationship is the last thing I am thinking of right now. I lost almost 10lbs in the last two weeks.. I'm on my way back to feeling attractive. I hope to be able to go dancing soon (even if I have to go by myself) and get back into a social life. I don't have any real friends to speak of but they take time. Time is all I have right now.

What I've learned is to keep my ex at arms length as much as I can. I love him dearly but I also hate him tremendously for what he's done to me. Those two emotions are very difficult to live with but my support group starts on Wed so I'm hoping it will be inspirational. We shall see. For now.. I just find small things I enjoy (even if I'm by myself) and I finally allow myself to enjoy it. I don't control my ex (and I realize I never really did... it was a false control I had).

I agree with you.I realized the same thing you did about making one person the center of attention.Never ever will I repeat the same mistake again.

In by the way how's the job search going.Take care of yourself and do go dancing.

The job search is what it is... not great but its my only focus right now cause it's the only means for me to escape this place. He goes and comes at all hours and really ruins my nights. I know that's to be expected. Even Monday night... at 9pm... suddenly he has to run out.. I was upset but didn't share that with him. Not going to hand him the control or power anymore. Just job search, occasionally see a new friend and the gym. Just cleaning up various parts of my life that have been messed up since being with him. I just wanted to say last night... Just keep it in your pants for a few months and stop flaunting your pathetic needs in front of me. Get some self respect... but I wrote that in my journal and didn't speak to him. Best I can do right now.

Its like living with a disease... I have lost all respect for the man I used to love so much. He is no longer the person I thought he was. He's a snob and arrogant and he acts like it.

Hey all... I have a second interview for that job I went for last week. Not getting my hopes up too high but at least that's one good thing going my way... oh and I lost another 2lbs. I just might take myself out dancing this weekend. My ex is still hot and cold to me... but I try to just remain neutral with him since riding that hot and cold with him was very hard. I even had my hair colored yesterday to wash that little bit of gray right out of my hair... lol.

I'm cautiously optimistic about my steps forward. Tonight is my support group so we'll see how that goes. These last three weeks have been such a journey. I hope it just gets better each week. One thing I am so thankful for... is being able to be here alone again... when the break up first happened I was terrified to be alone... hated him not being here. I'm beginning to LOVE it.

How are things going JDLNYC?

Things are going OK. Still no job. I've had a couple interviews but no luck yet. It's a daily routine to do resumes before doing the gym. I attended a support group a few times but found it wasn't for me. The group was basically people who had already been through this but like years ago. I was the only one who was going through this now. Didn't feel comfortable. My ex and I continue to be here... we are friendly but we keep our distance. We've had a few fights (where I was able to call him a cheat and stuff) but for the most part I just want to move on. My ex was away for about 5 days recently and it was heaven. I was so happy, slept so well and just really enjoyed my peace and quiet. He's leaving again soon so I'm looking forward to it.

All in all... baby steps... its been just about 5 weeks since it happened. I continue to learn so much about myself. I do know I will never forgive him for this and I doubt I will ever have him in my life again when this is over. Its hard to believe I'm saying that but I deserve so much better than to be treated so poorly. He's a dear person and he has done a lot for me... but it doesn't excuse what he's done.

So last night was the first night my ex didn't come home. I am very bothered by it. Will I let him know that... no. Will I give him anything more than a hi and bye... no. After 13 years... I would have thought he could have waited a few months to not do this in front of me. How selfish and mean of him.

How selfish and mean of him.

His actions and character define him. His actions and character do NOT define you, do not accept his weakness as your own. His weakness is his and his alone.

He didn't come home last night and he didn't come home all day today... still not home. For all I know he's been killed. I know I shouldn't worry... what a monster. I know that I will not give him any reaction when he does return. He's already done several "can we talk" things... where he sits... holds my hand and then does nothing else. He's been playing with my emotions and only I can stop that. If I show him I'm angry when he does get home then I hand
Him the control... something I won't do anymore.

On a positive note... I have an interview tomorrow for what appears to be a good job... one that I know I'm qualified for and the company is actually very friendly to me even prior to the interview. It's a start.

He didn't come home last night and he didn't come home all day today...still not home. For all I know he's been killed. I know I shouldn't worry...what a monster.

Would you get the insurance money?














Just kidding people, just kidding.

















Maybe.