s2tp
Jan 25, 2009, 02:05 PM
Hey everyone, it has been a while since I have been around- I miss you guys :)
I have a very frustrating and complicated situation going on with my parents, and I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with it/try to make it easier between them.
I have to really try to keep this short... I tend to be long winded and wanting to give too many details.
My mom and her boyfriend have been together for about 20 years. I consider him my dad and I love them both very much. I can talk easily about anything with either one of them.
The problem is that they are in the middle of a split... for the 3rd, or more, time. This is the first time it is my dad calling the quits. I think this is the final straw, but it’s getting ugly and I am getting very angry and frustrated with the both of them.
They are living in a small house on a large piece of land they have both owned for 3 years now (they have owned property together for the past 19 years). They have horses, dogs, vehicles etc that they own together.
Their previous splits have been because my mom is tired of him not showing any affection, taking off for the weekend and not calling her to let her know he’s OK, not getting stuff done around the house because he’s too busy playing video games. Of course these break-ups were never discussed. Just thoughts and feelings built up over months/years then the fed-up "I've had enough" move-outs. He would start apologizing, promise to be different etc and they would talk things through, be happy for a month or three then back to usual once one little thing ticked the other off, and it would fester again until the next breaking point.
The last breakup was while I was overseas. I had to call each one separately and became somewhat of a mediator and counselor to them. They finally both went to counseling together and things improved so I stepped out.
I came home and was living with them for about 5 months. Things seemed fine. They got along, but I knew neither one was truly happy. My mom had made suggestion that I get a place so she can move with me. While I love my mother, #1 I don't want to be her scapegoat to not communicate and #2 I have no desire to buy a place just so we can live together... I am 26 and single, I want to live alone- does that make me a bad daughter?
I have moved in with my aunt and uncle temporarily to be closer to work. In the meantime things have been going downhill at home.
I think it started a few months ago when my mom found out my dad had been logging how much he was paying and she owed on household expenses etc. Then a few weeks ago he listed himself back as 'single' on a friends/dating site. He had joined this site during their last break up- and it had caused a huge ruckus. So she has been upset, obviously, since they both still live together and here he was looking for dates... 1 reason I am pissed off at him.
Then my mom has been trying to downsize the heard of horses since its so expensive to feed them- she had a horse up for sale for about 4 months with no luck, so instead of continuing to pay for feed she offered a friend to take him for free. Before the person could come pick up the horse, my mom ended up getting 3 offers for the horse, double for what she had been asking! Which wasn't much, but it was something! Well my mom said she made a promise and couldn't break it so she still gave the horse away! (One of the reasons I am pissed at my mom).
That day is when he moved out of their room and into the spare room, moved his horses into his own corrals, left her 3 days worth of horse feed, then emailed her to tell her what he had done and what she owed for the house, told her to get her own phone plan etc. (Another reason why I am pissed off at him.)
Since then my mom has been flipping out- she has to get rid of more horses now, find homes for the other pets and still live miserably in the same house. My dad is content it seems- everything is under his terms. He refuses to sell the house right now, and he doesn’t care how this situation makes her feel.
They have exchanged 1 more email each- neither of which is conducive to communicating. They work at the same place, most likely see each other in passing, but don’t have to deal with each other for anything. At home she locks herself in her room to sleep and read, while he sits on his computer.
I am so so so frustrated! I don't want them to get back together, but I do want them to see how messed up they both are and that they both need counseling, therapy, something! My mom already wants to see a psychiatrist, she feels messed up. I don't know what my dad is up to on the dating site.
I know some of you will say it’s not my business and to just let them figure it out- but that is not the answer for me. I cannot and will not let them continue to bring each other down. I also don't have the patience to mediate them again- it takes a lot out of me to listen to the plight of both sides and try to mitigate.
I am going insist they both get counseling for themselves if not with each other, but does anyone know of people or websites that have good advice on situations like this? Your advice and input is very much appreciated...
Feeling helpless and frustrated
:(:mad:
I have a very frustrating and complicated situation going on with my parents, and I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with it/try to make it easier between them.
I have to really try to keep this short... I tend to be long winded and wanting to give too many details.
My mom and her boyfriend have been together for about 20 years. I consider him my dad and I love them both very much. I can talk easily about anything with either one of them.
The problem is that they are in the middle of a split... for the 3rd, or more, time. This is the first time it is my dad calling the quits. I think this is the final straw, but it’s getting ugly and I am getting very angry and frustrated with the both of them.
They are living in a small house on a large piece of land they have both owned for 3 years now (they have owned property together for the past 19 years). They have horses, dogs, vehicles etc that they own together.
Their previous splits have been because my mom is tired of him not showing any affection, taking off for the weekend and not calling her to let her know he’s OK, not getting stuff done around the house because he’s too busy playing video games. Of course these break-ups were never discussed. Just thoughts and feelings built up over months/years then the fed-up "I've had enough" move-outs. He would start apologizing, promise to be different etc and they would talk things through, be happy for a month or three then back to usual once one little thing ticked the other off, and it would fester again until the next breaking point.
The last breakup was while I was overseas. I had to call each one separately and became somewhat of a mediator and counselor to them. They finally both went to counseling together and things improved so I stepped out.
I came home and was living with them for about 5 months. Things seemed fine. They got along, but I knew neither one was truly happy. My mom had made suggestion that I get a place so she can move with me. While I love my mother, #1 I don't want to be her scapegoat to not communicate and #2 I have no desire to buy a place just so we can live together... I am 26 and single, I want to live alone- does that make me a bad daughter?
I have moved in with my aunt and uncle temporarily to be closer to work. In the meantime things have been going downhill at home.
I think it started a few months ago when my mom found out my dad had been logging how much he was paying and she owed on household expenses etc. Then a few weeks ago he listed himself back as 'single' on a friends/dating site. He had joined this site during their last break up- and it had caused a huge ruckus. So she has been upset, obviously, since they both still live together and here he was looking for dates... 1 reason I am pissed off at him.
Then my mom has been trying to downsize the heard of horses since its so expensive to feed them- she had a horse up for sale for about 4 months with no luck, so instead of continuing to pay for feed she offered a friend to take him for free. Before the person could come pick up the horse, my mom ended up getting 3 offers for the horse, double for what she had been asking! Which wasn't much, but it was something! Well my mom said she made a promise and couldn't break it so she still gave the horse away! (One of the reasons I am pissed at my mom).
That day is when he moved out of their room and into the spare room, moved his horses into his own corrals, left her 3 days worth of horse feed, then emailed her to tell her what he had done and what she owed for the house, told her to get her own phone plan etc. (Another reason why I am pissed off at him.)
Since then my mom has been flipping out- she has to get rid of more horses now, find homes for the other pets and still live miserably in the same house. My dad is content it seems- everything is under his terms. He refuses to sell the house right now, and he doesn’t care how this situation makes her feel.
They have exchanged 1 more email each- neither of which is conducive to communicating. They work at the same place, most likely see each other in passing, but don’t have to deal with each other for anything. At home she locks herself in her room to sleep and read, while he sits on his computer.
I am so so so frustrated! I don't want them to get back together, but I do want them to see how messed up they both are and that they both need counseling, therapy, something! My mom already wants to see a psychiatrist, she feels messed up. I don't know what my dad is up to on the dating site.
I know some of you will say it’s not my business and to just let them figure it out- but that is not the answer for me. I cannot and will not let them continue to bring each other down. I also don't have the patience to mediate them again- it takes a lot out of me to listen to the plight of both sides and try to mitigate.
I am going insist they both get counseling for themselves if not with each other, but does anyone know of people or websites that have good advice on situations like this? Your advice and input is very much appreciated...
Feeling helpless and frustrated
:(:mad: