Hi everyone:

I’m hoping that you guys/girls can give me some advice.

I met a girl and we dated for sometime, eventually becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. A few weeks ago, she went on vacation to her cottage and spent a lot of time alone, allowing her to reflect and think about what she wants.

Long story short: she was in a relationship for five years prior to us getting together (4 months earlier). She says that she needs sometime to be single and wishes that she had of met me six months from now.

I asked her if she wants me to wait, and she said that she can’t ask that of me – but hopes that we can try this again in the future. I must have asked 100 times if this was the only reason and she said yes. She still has feelings. But needs to be single because she has always belonged to someone and did make a point of saying that she is doing this so that when she is ready, it will make out relationship stronger.

This was all said on the phone, so I asked her to meet. She did. We went to the park and talked for a bit. I even wrote her a letter saying that I care for her greatly and will wait for her to give me her heart. I said that I would give her the space she needs and call her in six months, asking for her back. I asked that she read the letter in front of me. She did and I could tell that she was sad. After reading it, she could not look at me for a few minutes. I could tell she was about to cry. But after, she kept staring at me with caring eyes (you know the look when you really like someone).

I then asked to hold and kiss her one more time. We did and it was great. I also asked her to make me one promise: that when she is ready for a relationship, she will give us another try. She said that she promised and would. We ended it by saying that I’ll miss her and am here if she needs anything. And to read the letter I gave her once a week, if she has any doubts about how I feel.

Now I’m trying hard not to contact her. But I’m so sad inside. I miss her so much. I mean, can someone really care for someone and still need to be single? Do you guys think that there is a chance of us getting back together? Should I send her an e-mail once and a while to tell her that I thinking of her? Or should I just stop 100% contact. I’m worried that if I do this she will not think that I’m sticking around and have moved on. What would you girls like for a guy to do?

Do you guys think that I handled it right by writing the letter or was it too much?

Thanks guys.

It sounds to me like you did good! :)
You were honest and heartfelt, and I think the letter will serve as a great physical reminder to her of your feelings while you are apart.

Send her an e-mail once every 6-8 weeks just to say hello and chat a bit, and let her know you are still thinking about her, but otherwise keep out of her life. Let her sort out herself and do what she needs to do. If she's ready sooner than later, you'll know...

Also though - While it is commendable that you are willing to wait, you need to keep yourself open to the fact that she may not be "the one" after all... It would be extremely unhealthy for you to simply sit and pine away for this girl everyday for six months - drumming up all sorts of unrealistic expectations and emotions. She might need more than six months, or she might do any number of other things that would exclude you from her life.

In the meantime, keep busy with your own life... Enjoy friends, family, work on yourself, follow your interests... and watch what happens!

I hope that in 6-12 months you are happy with this girl! ;)

Hi seo,

My heart goes out to you for what you must be feeling right now. I'm in a similar situation myself. Although mine is not a romantic relationship, it is someone whom I consider a very close friend, and she has pretty much asked me to give her some space. All of this just happened yesterday, so I know how insanely difficult it is trying not to contact someone who has asked for space.

My “gut reactions” to your situation? First of all, you sound like a very sensitive, loving and decent person, and you obviously have her best interests at heart.

You mentioned that she was in a relationship for five years, and you got together four months after that ended. (Is that correct?) Assuming it is, after five years, she probably had a lot invested in that relationship (emotionally), and perhaps is just realizing herself that she needs time to really get over that in order to move on. It doesn’t seem like four months would be a terribly long time to allow her emotions to settle before involving herself emotionally with another person.

From what you have said, it sounds to me there’s every chance in the world that you could get back together. She is probably having a hard time emotionally, and just needs some space. She could be feeling a little overwhelmed right now and some “down time” will allow her to get things straight in her own mind.

Personally, I think the fact that you wrote her a letter is very sweet. You let her know that you’re still there for her, and that’s a good thing. She probably needed to hear that.

As far as contacting her, that’s a hard one for me to answer because I’m struggling with that right now too. I would maybe wait a couple of months (I know -- it’s difficult!) and then mail her a little card -- just something simple like “Thinking of You” or whatever. Then in six months, do what you told her you would do: call her and ask if she’s ready to get back together.

I really get the feeling that she just needs some space. I hope this helped a little.

Take care ;)

Thanks phillysteakandcheese. I really appreciate your feedback and feel for you also cocoa. I can’t stop thinking about her and my mind is playing tricks on me. The other day, she sent me and a few other people she knows an e-mail with photos of her vacation.

In one of the photos was a guy with her. I know she has lots of guy friends so it’s not an issue. But still, not something I really wanted to see at this time, so I asked her to take me off her mailing list (I didn’t say why – I just said it’s difficult right now to see photos of you and stuff).

Man, I’ve lost like 10 pounds; I’m not eating and have no motivation to do anything. I’m hoping that as time goes by, this will fade. I know that I should not wait for her, the entire 6 months. But I’m really feeling sad right now.

I’m at the point in my life where I want a relationship and have so much to offer. I really can’t bare the thought of being single for the rest of my life. I’m 30 now and want a commitment. Why does this have to happen to me? I have so much to offer. I really hope that you guys are right and that we get back together.

I’ll take your advice and send an e-mail in one month, saying that I’m thinking about her – nothing more.

Thanks guys.

I think you handled this situation very well. My advice is to wait 2-3 months to contact her, and when you do contact her I suggest that you just send a simple e-mail that says something like "Hello, how you doing?" Do not at any point bring up the relationship.

I know you're going to want to contact her sooner then 2-3 months, but that's not a good idea because any sooner then that means (1) You are not giving her the space you promised you'd give her and (2) You might end up looking like you're too needy and/or clingy.

In the meantime just stay busy and do things you enjoy. But please, and I mean PLEASE, be prepared for the worst. It's great that you have found someone you are willing to wait for, but a lot can happen during 6 months (heck even 3 months). During that time she might realize she doesn't feel the same for you. What's just as plausible is that she might find someone else. I hope that within 6-12 months you two are in a great relationship together, but face it, life is not a fairy tale and more often then not things don't work out the way we want them to.

I'm not trying to predict the future here, anything can happen between you two and it could be wonderful or disastorous. Just prepare for the worst, and don't let your world revolve around this one person, and don't let your happiness depend on this one person! Go out and meet other people! Have fun and enjoy life! If things work out... great! But if they don't at least you'll be strong enough to make a quick recovery.

Oh and maybe, if you listen to everyone when they say go out and meet new people, then if things don't work out with this girl, by then it might not matter because just maybe you will have found someone else.

I wish you the best!

I think the letter was just fine and quite necessary to put your feelings out there to her. It was something that, if you had not done it, you would likely be haunted by the not doing. But its not about "can you behave well enough to keep her" -- you have to be who you are and she has to be who she is. And if that isn't compatible, then it is time to go separate ways.

I think the space she is asking for really needs to be space though and I am leary of the promise to "come back and try" that I see as made under pressure. That may need to be renegotiated. Worse than that, I am not one for ending it on "limbo" like you two have as that simply makes it unfair to the one left waiting. If this wasn't outright ended, then separation should have been/needs to be clear-- what terms and for how long (and six months is too long)-- now that you two were past the dating stage and actually exclusive as boyfriend/girlfriend. This is torturous the way you set up, frankly.

Given where you are now, I would wait a whole month and contact her for a face-to-face reassessment. If she hasn't contacted you in all that time, my intuition says she'll clearly end it and all this was an attempt at easing the letdown to you.

Thanks guy for your advice. It’s like she is playing games with my head though. She will make comments like “this may be the biggest mistake of her life” and “she does not want to hurt me down the road” and that "she is doing this because she really cares for me". She also says that she has serious commitment issues and her friends call her the “run away bride”. I’m so confused about what to do. I know I should wait 2-3 months. But one month sounds better, maybe to meet for a drink. What if I send her an e-mail at one month saying – “let’s grab a quick drink to see how you’re doing”.

Does that sound too clingy?

She is also on my msn list. I have a blog that she has never seen, pictures of my life and my thoughts about this and that. I send an e-mail to all my friends when I update it. Should I send the link to her also, maybe as a reminder that I'm here?

She appears to be playing a game called hard to get-- there is teasing and then there is something else. I think this is something else. And you are playing the counterpart game yourself called "how can I win her back by what I do" -- there is playfully seducing her back and then there are desperate ploys too. I hear your desperation. Its all a matter of intensity as to which level it is and neither is okay in my book, if there are hurt feelings involved-- which there are. Time for setting games aside, take a break and then some frank honest talk. Unless, of course you like your games intense and your feelings hurt?

I asked her that and ever said that she is playing games. She said no. Do you really think she is? I kind of thought so. Now I’m even more confused. But if she is playing games, I’m more angry.

I think you should take things one day at a time - (easier said than done, believe me, I know). See how you’re feeling in a month. If you’re feeling more at ease with things, test yourself a little and say, “Hey, things are going okay … I think I can wait another two weeks…” And when those two weeks are up, try for another two weeks. It may sound silly, but that has worked for me in the past. Two (or even three) months will be up before you know it. Everyone is different though. You have to find something that will work for you.

As others have posted, try to keep yourself busy. Even being busy with the smallest of things can help. When I’m feeling *really* down, I try to take baby steps -- literally hour by hour at first, until I start feeling better.

I will write down three very simple things that I want to have done by the time I go to bed at night. It can be anything from watering the flowers outside, doing a load of laundry, washing dishes -- whatever. If you’re up to calling a buddy, by all means, go for it. For me, I find that having these goals in writing (posted on the fridge or something) really helps. I just keep doing that, day after day, until time passes. As you start feeling better, your “to do list” can consist of bigger and better things, like going out someplace to meet new friends (if you’re out-going enough for something like that). Be sure to pamper yourself once in a while too. I think that’s important.

Again, this is just what works for me. If it helps someone else too, that’s great. If it doesn’t, then that’s okay too.

I also have to agree with the others and caution you about setting yourself up for disappointment. Your subsequent posts have me feeling a little uneasy about your whole situation. I agree with Val that it seems like she is playing hard-to-get... or testing you, or something. It’s hard to say for sure, but give yourself some time, give her some time, and as Val said - then get down to some frank and honest talk.

She set you up to wait for her for six months, no rules or conditions other than at the end she gives you another try... I would be angry at that. And to be fair, you co-authored it and agreed to it... I would be equally angry at that too. But don't get all fired up and do something rash here, okay? Please, if you cannot wait a month, contact her now and say these terms won't work for you and renegotiate what will... or end it. But for me, waiting needs to have much more purpose than what I have seen here -- your time is valuable. Which is why I advised wait one month, face-to-face frank discussion, then decide. She is either playing you or having a really really hard time telling you its over or very confused but here is where it gets me--- you're being hurt and she knows it so how does that exactly fit in the picture? One month is enough time.

She is doing the right thing by telling you that she needs this time to herself after a 5 year relationship.
Trust me. SHE DOES. She needs time to herself and to get to know herself again. Without her partner.
It is very important that she does this and IF you get together in the future then this period will contribute to a much healthier relationship.

I am just out a 7 year relationship and there is NO WAY I could get into anything too deep now. Sure I can date and enjoy other company but a relationship NO WAY. Need time to myself. Figure out me, what I want.

I think this girl has handled this situation superbly and I'm sure if it is meant to be whtne one day you will be together.

But right now I think you should giver her space.

Do not push or chase. There is a bit of a saying around here "that which is chased, runs" and it is so TRUE.

If you push, put pressure on her, chase her, beg etc she will run for the hills and won't come back.
Play it cool, act as if you are comfortable with it. After all you should be.

Make her want you. You shouldn't have to do all the loving and chasing.

Leave her be. You get out and have fun, date, enjoy yourself. After all you shouldn't have to wait for her. But doing these things might just get her intrested. Especially if she really cares for you and see's that she might lose you. That will light a little fire in her I'm sure.

But right now, for a good 3 months I would do as she asks. Don't make the mistakes I have and not give her the space she asks for. 1 thing I have learned about women and people I suppose is if they want space, they mean they want SPACE.

I don't know if it is so much a game. I just think she is being honest with you. 5 years is a long relationship and she would be silly to rush into a nother relationship.

I'm sure it would eventually be the undoing of you two.

Give it time and if it is meant to be then it will. But look after No. 1 for a while.

I agree with Val,

There should be no agreement on waiting period, assurance of giving it another try. That isn't on.

She doesn't dictate to you what you do with your life. It is up to you. But if she has asked for space then id give it!

To be clear, I believe that people fresh out of a relationship are not really available even though they act as if they are and foolishly get involved with others who are led to believe they are. What they usually get is a rebound relationship and those almost never work out. The reason why is a rebound relationship always occurs with someone you wouldn't ordinarily be with, and therein lies the problem. I think if they get in deep with someone, they owe the someone an honest ending. To be suddenly aware that they are not really available for a relationship is not license to ask someone to wait. I would be far more trusting (as crazy as this sounds) to end it and trust that if it was meant to be, it will occur again and takes no manipulation or effort whatsoever to make it happen-- true love is pretty powerful cosmic stuff. Otherwise, to wait and try and take it up again later, well, in the long run, I would be concerned about how honest they are thereafter since they were not so honest to begin with-- but then I have a big thing for honesty. It is how the best of relationships last, from what I have seen.

I agree with Val when he/she said that you have set yourself up for a lot of torture. I also agree that you should never set time limits because it only adds unneeded pressure. However, I'm not sure if I agree that this girl is playing games. The truth is that we don't know and we never will.

It sounds like you two were in a relationship for a couple of months and then she decided she wasn't ready. Well these feelings of uncertainty probably didn't occur in one day. It's possible that during the relationship she still had them, but figured they would go away, and when they didn't she decided she needed some space. Listen, the fact is that she may be lying and used this as an excuse to let you down easy or she may be telling the truth. Believe it or not, but when people say they need time and/or space it doesn't always mean they are lying.

Anyway, in my opinion this is how you should approach this: I think you should look at it as a break up without any burnt bridges. Meaning the relationship is over for now with the possibility of working out in the future. So start the healing process, move on, and see what happens down the road. Don't contact her for 2-3 months. I think 1 month is way too soon. In 2-3 months e-mail her and leave her a message that says "Hello, how you doing?" Don't ask to get together, don't ask about the relationship, just ask how she is doing.

If she doesn't contact you within a month it doesn't mean she lied to you about her feelings. Honestly it could mean a lot of things so it's best not to worry about it. In the meantime go out and meet new people. Your 30 years old, that means your in your dating prime! Don't sit at home and wait, go out and mingle!

Like I said wait 2-3 months to contact her. This is a good time frame because if she is honest that she needs time then you are giving it to her. If she is playing games, then your one step ahead because you're out there dating and on top of that you've made her wonder what you've been up to.

One last thing, don't give her the link to your blog. You don't want her to know all your deepest feelings. One thing I've learned from these boards is that all relationships requre a bit of healthy mystery. A bit of mystery on your part makes you more attractive.

I like the above advice. Had to spread it sorry confused.
Everyone here has given you great advice and certainly some thngs to think about.
It is up to you how you act on it though!
Good luck!

Ok, screw it. I’m not going wait for her to make up her mind. I’m 30, the prime of my life. I’m attractive, fit, make good money and lots to offer someone. If she can’t see it, so be it….I’m going to start dating. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet the one.

I feel better now. Life is too short to even waste one minute feeling sorry for yourself. I’ll e-mail her in 2 months to see how she is doing…but that’s it! If she doesn’t reply….her loss! It won't matter because ill probably be dating someone else.

Thanks guys. I really appreciate this!

That's the spirit Seo! Just enjoy life and keep yourself busy. There will be times when you will begin to think of her and get depressed, but when that happens just begin doing things you enjoy. Go to the gym, watch a movie, hang out with the guys, do whatever keeps you busy. I also recommend that you come back to this website periodically, not only to remember the advice that was given to you, but to also learn about relationships from others. Above all remember one thing: in the end things will work out, with or without her.

P.S.
Sorry Val, I hope I didn't offend you. I typed he/she because I didn't know your gender, so I tried to stay politically correct :)

Yes you should definitely stick around and learn about relationships.
I see from your posts that you may be able to get some benefit about how to get the most out of your relationships. Especially early on. You don't want to get too clingy, attached etc early on!

Thanks guys. I will stick around and learn more about relationships. Skell, I think that you are right. I’ve noticed that when I’m only 50% into a girl, only call once a week or so, do my own thing, they fall in love with me. But sure enough, when I fall head over heals and give everything, they screw me over, especially early on. I need to stop being so clingy early on, even if I do care for her I think. Lesson learned. What a great site. I'm going to stick around and keep you guys posted about my dating experiences.

Yeah your so right. We see it here all the time. People getting clingy and the girl running or vice versa. That's OK though. We all make mistakes. But the people here are fantastic and their advice is so true.
So listen and contribute here and you'll learn as much as I have in my short time.

Tell me about with the girls. I have had a couple lately who I have clearly and honestly told them my situation. That I'm getting over someone who I love and don't want anything at all. The moment I seem to say that they aren't scared off. I become a challenge and they chase me. They come after me hard.

I feel bad but I am honest with them from the begginnig. Im not after anything at all right now.

People want what they can't have... Keep the mystery etc. it is all so true!

Do you guys think I should e-mail her one more time and say that I’m going to date and will not wait for her?

I know she wanted me to tell her if I meet someone. Now I feel stupid telling her I would wait. I want her to know that I’m moving on.

NO. Tell her nothing.
You owe her nothing. It isn't up to you to give her update on what you are up to.
She will find out one way or another.
But by you emailing her and telling her you are going to date is just looks as though it is some ploy of yours to make her jealous!
Don't contact her! You have made the decision for you I hope and NOT for HER.
Stuff her. Who cares what she thinks.
Who is she to tell you that you have to call her and tell her if you meet someone. Its none of her business!
The way you tell her you aren't waiting for her is by moving on and not contacting her.
Contacting her to tell her you are moving on really showss you haven't. Understand? If you are moving on then why would you even care to tell her anything?
I wouldn't contact her again. Not at least for a few months anyway after you've thought long and hard about whether you really want this person!

Ok Skell,

I hear you. Loud and clear. I just want her to “know that I’m moving on”. But then again, not contacting her does tell her that. I never thought of it that way. I sure have a lot to learn in the relationship department. I wish it was not such a game.

You will torture yourself.

That was WOMANESE for - I don't want to be with you. I don't want a relationship with you.

Move on - seriously. People just don't click and get back together in 6 months... only in the movies.

Leave her alone - disappear. No contact.

You seem kind too soft for what a woman wants. She doesn't want a girlfriend - she wants a man. Grow a spine. Be a man. She doesn't want a soft guy - a wussy. She wants a strong, confident, independent guy.

Work on yourself. Go to this website and read every article on datin gand relationships. www.askmen.com

Wow, that was kind of harsh man. But I guess I needed it. Thanks.

Anyway, I have a date tonight. And will see how it goes.

Sorry man - I am blunt - and you need to hear it. I will never tell you what you want to hear - I deal in reality. Hey, I've been given those slingers before... it's to let you down easy.

ANY type of contact now for the next 3 months will come across as desperate and needy. Insecure.

Disappear from that gal. Don't return ANY communication for 3 months.

Date, date, date - lots of dates.

Hey, I want you to get over this gal as soon as possible - AND let you know WHAT's really going on... no fluff.

The sooner you get over her - the sooner your real love will come...

She might - 5% chance come back... BUT, she most certainly won't come back, and I know this for a 100% fact - until YOU HAVE MOVED ON.

People WANT what they can't have. She had you hook, line, and sinker - game over. You surrender to her and that's really unactractive.

I understand what you are saying. It does get easier each day. And I do feel better. I’m not going to contact her at all, even if she sends me an e-mail, text message – anything. Zero, nadda. In three months, I’ll send one text message asking “how she is doing”, nothing more. And even then, if she replies…I won’t respond back till another 3 months.

I purchased a book today and started to read it. It basically says that women need a challenge for a relationship to last, even for the guy to play games a bit. It even gives a strategy to follow for 90 days. For example: it says call one a week and only to ask for a date and to keep the conversation under three minutes. It also says to give two compliments on a date and if she compliments you, just to say thanks – nothing more. If she shows affection, do not to show it back.

Here is some info from the book. I really hate playing games with people. It’s not in my nature. But I’m going to have to I guess. The book explains why every time I fall for a girl, they break it off….

Challenge was the last principle to complete my “System.” The reason Challenge took so long and was so hard for me to discover was because no woman initially (actually) used the word, and only a small percentage of women even alluded to it. I would ask, “What do you like in a man?” and women would never answer “I love a Challenge.” They might answer instead, “I like a guy more if he hangs back and I have to work to get him.” Or I would sometimes hear “He was mysterious,” “different,” “elusive,” ad nauseum. (It’s no wonder Freud couldn’t figure out what women wanted!) And here’s the ironic thing -- once I started using the word “Challenge” in my interviews, women knew exactly what I was talking about. Yes guys, Challenge is what the woman wants!

I stumbled across Challenge by accident while probing with improved interviewing techniques. (I’m the original Love Cop!) My first clue was in the way Caprice kept saying that Tom was exciting because of his “inaction.” “He was mysterious because I always wondered where I stood with him. He didn't chase me like all the other guys, " she told me. She said that she didn’t like his almost cavalier attitude, but when I asked, “Why didn't you dump him?” She replied, “I kinda liked the way he treated me. He wasn’t predictable. He kept me on my toes, so I married him.” (So much for language and logic!)

After the truth of this conversation sank in, two big questions hit me: what if the man, who is the aggressor in the relationship and faces the heaviest danger of rejection, could somehow reverse the process, and make the woman the aggressor? What if women responded to Challenge in a relationship, but didn’t know it until it was pointed out to them?

The second incident that uncovered Challenge was a conversation about the proper handling of the phone in relationships. I had asked Lee Ann: “How long after giving a guy your home phone number would you want him to call you?” She dodged the question. “Everyone calls within two days,” she said. (Predictable!) I said, “I understand what you’re saying, but when would you want the guy to call you?” She answered: “As soon as possible, then I would decide whether or not I wanted to go out.” “Imagine instead, Lee Ann, that I got your home phone number and I didn’t call you for five to nine days -- what would you do?” “Well, if I liked you, I would be a little mad and think you were playing games.” “What games, Lee Ann?” A blank stare covered her face. Then she said, “I wouldn’t like it, but if I had Interest (Level) I would accept the date.”

Seo - while I don't advocate playing games (unless of course you like your women phoney or manipulative), I think women like to be teased and certainly by a man who is actively using the head attached to his shoulders. Excellent boundary definition is a must -- he has to be able to stand his ground when warranted as well as know how to intimately yield in the privatest of moments too. In our house, we are both fully adult who retained the ability to play, but if these are games then we both consent to them. Wildcat seems to think my hubby and I can still tap into the thrill of the chase somehow while being mindful of each other's feelings like the old married couple we really are LOL. And the more masculine he is in his expression, the more feminine I tend to be in mine. Nature is what it is and although my liberated sisters won't like it, men are still bigger, faster, stronger and I recognise that as important; so should he. Once that's understood, the mating dance is easier on any level, in my opinion. Being honest doesn't mean erasing all the mystery, it just means being authentic about it. We both acknowledge that I know me as a woman and he is still studying it; conversely he knows what it is to be a man and it's a continuous lesson to me still. With that arrangement, we are still going strong after quite a few years and some say there is even a newlywedded quality to us. I hope that helps to shed some light to the thinking man-- that is always refreshing to see here!

seo I would just let her be, she knows that she you care for her and if she wants to talk to you she will. She needs her time to herself to know that she can stand on her own two feet. As hard as it may be to understand she does need this time to prove something to herself. Just give her the time and I believe that she will come around and you will be happy with her in about 6-12 months.

It's not so much that you want to give her time because you're playing the game, but because you want to let her know that you respect her wishes and feelings that she isn't ready for a relationship.

I too say no contact whatsoever. Nothing. No emails, text, or even quickie phone calls. If she were to pop up at your door step I'd politely remind her that she asked for the space and that you feel it will do you good too. Again, not because you're playing games, but because you have to show her that you are not at her disposal simply because she felt like it.

You were the one to ask her if she wanted you to wait and she said she couldn't ask you to do that and you took it upon yourself to wait. She may have lost a little respect for you at that point.

Move on. It's possible she may call you some day, but don't count on her coming back to you in six months. It almost sounds as though she has discovered what its like to be single after a five year relationship and she's like a kid in a candy store. I don't think that's what you want. Date with an open mind and you'll be surprised to find how quickly you get over this bump in the road of your life.

Sorry folks - love is a game. IT's NOT PLAYING GAMES - put there are certain ways you need to ACT -act like an ADULT - NOT a love sick puppy.

You should be a challenege until your 80! Women want the feeling that other women would want you.

You never completely surrender to someone - you are NEVER ont their beck and call - you never JUMP whenthey say JUMP - NEVER! You can't ALWAYS be available - be busy with other stuff.

Women want the chase... don't always give in. Be busy. Break a date.

Be a challenge - don't alwaqys agree - being too agreeable is wussy behavior. Stand your ground in what YOU believe in - not what she believes in!!

I don't think there was any problem with writing the letter. However, I wouldn't waste too much time "waiting" until she's "ready." I don't mean to be a nay-sayer but it sounds like this woman really doesn't want a relationship and probably can't handle one, no matter how much she claims to "care" about you. "Needing" to be alone is just as much of an insecurity as "needing" a relationship. She doesn't sound like she's up to par. I'd keep my options wide open at this point.

Hi Guys:

I was online (I deleted her from my msn to avoid contact but she can still see me) and she said hi. So I responded to her. I didn’t talk about the relationship at all – as you guys suggested. Our conversation is below. Can you guys have a look and let me know your thoughts? At the end, she said that she missed me. But I didn’t say anything back. Do you guys think I should text her back and say I also miss her?

She also asked what I’ve been up to. I said that I went on a cruise to let her know I’ve been busy. She asked if it was a date and I said not to go there.. think I responded OK? Do you guys think I have the edge now and something to work with? How can turn this to my advantage?


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Her: are you there?

Me: hey

Her: how are you?

Me: I'm good.. how are u?

Her: I may be getting promoted

Me: really.. thats awesome... to what?

Her: I know, nothing for sure, the girl just gave her 2 weeks, and I am up for her position, which means higher status, more money and I would work mon-fri

Me: nice... im sure that you will get it... no more weekends :)

Her: I don't know... if I don't, I will LOSE IT!

Me: I know, that would be so great to have a normal schedule again; one step at a time... if not this one, the next

Her: it is the same job I did for 3 years; I HAVE TO GET IT!

Me: YOU WILL

Her: so what is new?

Me: not too much... I went on a boat cruise yesturday...

Her: really? That's nice, where?

Me: it was fun.. the ones by my place

Her: on a date?. lol

Me: funny... lets not go there for now OK

Her: I know... I am seriously kidding; I really like that pic by the way

Me: thanks... are you heading to the cottage tomorrow?

Her: no.. staying home, I have to work Monday, a friend of mine from Newmarket is coming to visit me tomorrow, that's about it

Me: you work tomorrow then?

Her: yup... stuppid friggin' life

Me: you love it; when is the big move?

Her: well, August. 1st, which is a Saturday, but I am going to see if they let us in a couple days early... it is empty right now, and that way we don't move on the long weekend

Me: you mussssssst be excited...

Her: well, kind of, but now I am nervous... I am not sure about living with someone now

Me: that's normal

Her: I forsee problems

Me: lol... youre never sure about anything are u

Her: so true... I am never sure, well I am sure about something's, I just make the wrong decisions

Me: why are you not sure about it

Her: everything right now, I think Lisa and I are too different

Me: I told you that

Her: I know... but it is worth a try

Me: take sometime for yourself with your family... free rent and enjoy your freedom

Her: I am more concerned she will have a hard time living with me, I think I would be a difficult person to live with; in fact.. I know I am

Me: I can see that :)

Her: shut it! No really, do you think so

Me: that you would be hard to live with?

Her: yes

Me: umm... yes and no...

Her: your easy going so no...

Me: haha... safe answer

Her: then, what is the no part

Me: I think that you guys are too diff though

Her: I know.and I like to go out a lot, she doesn't at all; and I like to drink with my friends, and she doesn't drink at all; and I am very peticular and knida bossy

Me: your at diff stages in your life.. honestly.. of she and hey boyfriend work out... then... he will be there all the time

Her: I KNOW!!

Me: but I told you this

Her: God, I don't know if I can take him all the time; oh well, I am out most nights, so I won't see them

Me: lol; good way to put it

Her: I thought so... :P; I better go, I have to blow dry my hair

Me: OK... talk to you later

Her: I miss you; sorry I had to say that

(I DID NOT REPSOND! - she waited a thirty seconds to see what I would say I think - then went offline)

Me: funny... lets not go there for now OK

A better response would have been: "Of course ; what would you expect?"
If she asked "with whom" and you were in fact stag, then you respond "with my 3 favorite people." When she asks "who are they?", you say "me, myself and I."

Me: that you would be hard to live with?

Her: yes

Me: umm... yes and no...

A better response here would have been a flat-out "yes." It sounds like she needs someone to give her some constructive criticism on how she relates to other people and this was a golden opportunity to give her some. She does indeed sound like a difficult person - certainly not someone I'd want to have a relationship with. As a friend you could have possibly helped to straighten her out. Until someone does she's going to continue having a very unhappy life. By the way, how old is she? I believe you mentioned in a previous post that you're in your 30s. Frankly this person sounds way too immature for someone in their 30s. If I didn't know better I'd think she was a teenager, judging from this conversation.

She is 28 and does not really know what she wants out of everything I think. I was told to not critazize her. I’ve done that many times – about not knowing what she wants in life. I do care about her though and will give her space. I just wanted to make sure that I handled it right. Do you think I should have said I miss her also?

I don't think sorting through all the details is really what is needed here. You both sound like two friends talking which is fine. What is needed is for you to be clear on where you are. If I were you, after how I was dealt with, I would not want her back so while the encounters would be polite, they no longer would be very personal or of any great concern to me since she is an ex. I rarely would consider taking an ex back too since if its worth breaking up over, it tends to be worth staying broken up over too. I really just don't think true love misses the boat so easily that it would ever come down to looking at... did I do right in a brief, almost meaningless email exchange but maybe I am missing something here?

I agree. But at the end, she said that she missed me. I did not respond back. I know her and what's going on in her mind right now. She is having doubts about her decision. Should I say that I miss her also – but give her space, like I'm doing? I'm worried that not saying I miss her back, when she said it, will tell her that I don't care I guess.

Forget all the he said, she said crapola! Do you or don't you care? And if so, why? I am not asking to hear those answers but suggesting you listen to yourself answering them. You don't know where you are and I think you need to know that and the sooner the better too LOL. For me, I would not go there with the miss you's simply because I think it opens up stuff and I don't like being dumped and then checked out for possibilities later -- call me prideful but that hits me as ugh. I don't have a "lover waiting in the wings as back up" category.

I do care about her a lot. And think of her everyday. But you guys said to not let her know that and to give her space. That’s what I’m doing.

Do you guys think I should say that I miss her – but continue to give her space?

When you give someone space you leave them alone and move on with your life and begin the healing process. You will never have a clear head as long as you play around with you ex. Leave her be to find out what she wants.

That’s what I’m doing. I’m dating. And not contacting her at all. She contacted me. And I just curious to know how you guys think I should handle it, when she does and says stuff like “she misses me”.

I know that others have but just to be clear, I have never advocated giving her space in this thread. I said I think its over and she is being wishy washy about it, which I think stinks. And you have been going along with whatever she does. Not good.

What do you want Seo? Whatever you do needs to be in alignment with what you want... do you want her back? Take your chances and tell her you want her back. If you don't intend on getting back with her then keep your distance. I am not big on the idea that you deliberately act aloof just to make her want you in six months-- its too unlikely for starters and it rings as something not exactly honest for me.

Its already pretty goofy in that she asked for space and then emailed you frankly, YIKES! So what is this part-- an attempt at backing up to some place like where you were in the beginning and flirting with each other? I don't think that works either. Actions need to match words here, its called integrity and it would be good if it was both of you, but especially you being who you are and doing the honest thing. If you end up feeling toyed with, you will only have the man in the mirror on this one, I think.

That’s what I’m doing. I’m dating. And not contacting her at all. She contacted me. And I just curious to know how you guys think I should handle it, when she does and says stuff like “she misses me”.
You are just too available, Don't answer.

Ok, I agree with what you said. Trust me, I’m dating and trying to meet other people. Who knows how I’ll feel in a few months. You’re right. I know that. I’m preparing for the worst. I just sent her a quick text message saying “I miss you also. I’m just giving you space”. I’m also taking it one step at a time and not contacting her at all, like you guys said. It’s been a week so far.

I don't understand why you aren't a little angered about what she did to you... and then turning some of that into fast tracks out of there. I know for me and many people I know, the messier it all gets, the less interested and willing we'd be.

I think you handled the converstation well. You were polite, friendly, and you didn't bring up the relationship.

Should you have said "I miss you too"? No, I don't think so, because if you did she would know that she still has you. I bet that after she signed off she was thinking for quite a while why you didn't respond. Also, do not send her a text saying you miss her, just leave it be.

As to how you handle situations like this in the future, well I maybe wrong here but I think it would serve you well to not get into them in the first place. Do you have to sign into your Instant Messenger? If not then I would suggest you don't. Also I believe you can block her from seeing you online as well, that's another option. On top of not having to deal with these awkward situations, once she notices that you are never online she'll begin to wonder what your up to... which is a good thing.

Try to keep as little contact as possible, that way you don't have to worry about thinking of something clever on the spot, and that way you don't stress about what you said. Oh and remember to relax, all this worrying is going to make you miserable.

Val-- I like your attitude. You are honest, blunt, straightforward, and to the point. I wish all women were like you because it would make relationships a lot easier, but the fact is that most women aren't like that.

I think that him going back and telling her that he wants her back is a bad idea. It will seem like he is begging and completely turn her away. I think giving her the space she asked for and no contact is the best thing. This is my opinion though.

I didn't tell her that I wanted her back. I didn't bring up the relationship at all. She said I miss you to me, I didn't answer but sent a text message after saying “I miss you also. I'm just giving you space”. I'm not contacting her; she contacted me. And I will continue to not contact her at all. I agree with you Val. I'm letting her know where I stand, still care about her, but at the same time, I'm moving on with my life. If at some point she realizes her mistake. Great. But I'm not going out of my way to chase her. I really feel that it's important that she knows where I stand, yet at the same time – not act too needy. I think telling her that “I miss here also” after she says it and by giving her space and not contacting her says just that.

I understand all that, you did good and I didn't mean to frustrate you Seo, honestly. But I still think its important that you know what you want and it would be better for you if it didn't depend on her either. That's all I meant, okay?

Val-- LOL that was a compliment. Anyway, I think it's possible that he can get her back. I mean look at that conversation: she is the one who asked if he went on a date, she is also the one who said "I miss you." Does this mean she is going to come running back, of course not. But I think it indicates that she is curious as to what he has been up to. Maybe she is beginning to worry that she might lose him. Maybe, just maybe, she said "I miss you" because she wanted to make sure she still had him. I honestly don't know, these are all just guesses, I still have a lot to learn when it comes to women and relationships.

Seo-- On top of keeping not contact you have to make sure you are not so available. Yes she contacted you, but you made it to easy. Don't be online so much that way she is forced to e-mail you or call you and leave you a message. Again, this is just my advice.

I may travel in some different circles, I'll admit to that LOL but I do get around, I think? This breaking up to determine how much you are wanted stuff or the break up to try others for a while and get back together later stuff is not a good sign to me unless you are Paris Hilton or similar. Its observed as part of a kind of broadbased ongoing relationship struggle I see people of all ages and kinds caught up in and it generates an enormous amount of unhappiness too. And the baseline to the struggle seems to be that people aren't whole enough, fully functioning enough to meet the challenges of a relationship. I am reluctant to see anyone going down either of those break-up-make-up paths. Its somehow acts as a band-aid on a gash that is often far too big for a band-aid-- but only time tells that sad tale. I would like to have it down for the record that not everyone plays these kind of games (male and female) and to focus on the ones who do means there is a good chance of overlooking the ones who don't. And now that I have had my rant, I apologise to Seo for highjacking your thread (sorry dude) and hand back the soapbox now with promises to behave myself in the future.:o

And thanks for the compliment Fused, I mean it.

I may travel in some different circles, I'll admit to that LOL but I do get around, I think? This breaking up to determine how much you are wanted stuff or the break up to try others for a while and get back together later stuff is not a good sign to me unless you are Paris Hilton or similar. Its observed as part of a kind of broadbased ongoing relationship struggle I see people of all ages and kinds caught up in and it generates an enormous amount of unhappiness too. And the baseline to the struggle seems to be that people aren't whole enough, fully functioning enough to meet the challenges of a relationship. I am reluctant to see anyone going down either of those break-up-make-up paths. Its somehow acts as a band-aid on a gash that is often far too big for a band-aid-- but only time tells that sad tale. I would like to have it down for the record that not everyone plays these kind of games (male and female) and to focus on the ones who do means there is a good chance of overlooking the ones who don't. And now that I have had my rant, I apologise to Seo for highjacking your thread (sorry dude) and hand back the soapbox now with promises to behave myself in the future.:o

And thanks for the compliment Fused, I mean it.
Hi Val looks like I have to fully agree with you again in that for a relationship to even have a chance both people have to reach a level of maturity, and FUNCTIONALITY, to deal with the challenges of a relationship. Most times you tell people to move on so they have time to think and learn from their past, and I have seen those who rekindle their romances with their ex, but these don't last any longer than before. So your "rant" was so to the point that I had to chip in and say well said... again.:)

He should have had that conversation with - once again too available. Big mistake.

Again - leave her alone for like 3 full months.

But I doubt you can do it. Your like litle puupy dog that comes runnig when she calls.

Seo,

Let me be frank with you and tell you something. I'm reading your original post and some of the other posted and all I can say to you is that you have a lot to offer a woman. If this one doesn't want you screw her. She doesn't deserve you. I can obviously tell you're a caring and sensitive man who would be loyal to the right woman. If she can't see that then she doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. Don't forget that. It is her that after 5 years in a bad relationship should be thrilled to have found you. Not the other way around. I'm going through something similar and I know it's tough but I'm tired of nice, caring guys like you getting used and not being appreciated. If she doesn't appreciate you then YOU deserve better.

Hi Chuff, thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. Thanks to everyone for their advice and for listening. I still want her back. I'm not going to lie. And you guys need to believe me when I say that I'm not acting like this around her. I know that I'm having an emotional breakdown on this form. But I'm not around her. I'm playing it cool, not mentioning the relationship and going out, dating others. I'm not and have not had ANY contact with her at all. Zero. None. She contacted me and I was just looking for advice about how I should act. Remember guys.. she asked me if I was dating and said that she misses me.

She has some serious commitment issues. And I want her to know that I'm here for her. But at the same time, that I'm moving forward and that there is a good chance that she may lose me. I think that my conversation over e-mail really accomplished that. I didn't say that I miss her back – but send a text message one hour later saying that “I miss you also. I'm just giving you space”.

She is 28 and does not really know what she wants out of everything I think. I was told to not critazize her. I’ve done that many times – about not knowing what she wants in life. I do care about her though and will give her space. I just wanted to make sure that I handled it right. Do you think i should have said i miss her also?

Absolutely not. That's one of the worst things you could have said. You may have been told "not to criticize her" but I still think she needs some gentle nudging along. There's more at stake here than her inability to make relationship commitments. After all, she is 28 years old so it's time she started to make some decisions about what she wants out of life. She doesn't necessarily have to have everything cast in stone already but she does need to begin focusing in some sort of direction. She has a place to fill in society just like the ret of us and she'll never be able to do it by being an indecisive drone.

Why do you want to be there for her? So she can use you to make her feel better until she is ready to commit to someone else. Then all of a sudden you are left alone.

You can't be there for her. You need to be there for YOU.

BIG MISTAKE telling her you miss her. I think you miss the point. Hwo are you moving on and how can she lose you if you miss her? Understand that that doesn't make sense!

I miss you but you are going to lose me. I underatand that you do miss her but you don't need to tell her that? What does it achieve? Nothing at all other to confirm to her that she has you exactly where she wants you. And that's as the guy she can turn to when things don't work out for her elsewhere.

Do you really want to be manipulated and walked all over like that?

Seo,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Please know that everything gets easier as time goes on. You handled the instant message well and it seems as though she wanted you to know she's going out every night. You didn't respond to that, which is good. Don't let her treat you're just another good friend who she can turn to. The reality is, she's keeping you on a string, knowing she can turn to you because you are safe. I've been in the same situation and it went on for years. My ex recently married someone he met only a year ago... after stringing me along for almost a decade. Please, don't make the same mistakes I made. When they want out, they want out. I tried all the games, the no contact, etc and it worked. He did come back, but only to leave again later on down the road. It's the hardest lesson to learn (because we think we know them so well). But, there is no way someone who truly loves you would make you feel so badly. Do your best to move on to find someone who will cherish you. I know its hard, but the best way to move on is to accept the reality of the situation. The sooner you do, the easier it will be for you to realize you deserve the best and she is not it.

Don't make it so hard...ask yourself (dont listen to any advice) coz i know you only need to release what you're feeling but definetly you know what you want...ask yourself and ponder...if you think, you believe this girl loves you and that all she needs is TIME and you can still go on with the situation you are into, then stick with her...But, if you think, its quite unfair on your part and cannot stand by that kind of relationship, then move on. You must remember that before you can give love to others you must first learn and know how to love yourself, by doing so...you know when its time to pursue or time to stop.