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View Full Version : The highs & lows of NC


slievegullion
Jan 19, 2009, 04:25 AM
I'm dealing with my first ever serious relationship breakup & I feel very lucky to have stumbled on this site as the many insights offered by people here have proven invaluable to me in the past while. I've just seen the length of my post. Sorry its so long, I initially meant to just post on the toughness of NC but when I starting writing it felt slightly good to get this all out.

In mid November my girlfriend of 2.5 years hit me with the old "i need to take a break" out of nowhere. Obviously I was shocked and devastated and couldn't understand what was going. I agreed to the break as I was willing to give our relationship every chance it needed. However, I took the advice of friends and people from the site and let her be and gave her the space she wanted with minimal contact. It was tough for me because while I tried to keep busy and prepare myself for the more likely reality that it was over (because if you really love someone then you don't walk away and choose not to discuss your issues) I couldn't fully start to move on while there was still a small chance we'd get back together. I told her just before christmas that if she couldn't give me an answer before I went home for the holidays we had to meet up as soon as I came back from my new years ski trip (some friends had a ski trip planned for ages so I'd managed to get on it so that I'd have something nice to look forward to over christmas)

We met up first Sunday in January. She said that even though she still loved me and loved being with me that for us to go on she felt that her feelings on the romance side of things should be stronger than they are. I guess subconsciously I knew this was coming and wasn't near as devastated when she first asked for a break in novmeber. Obviously I'm pretty devastated that we're done but I feel pretty pis*ed about the way she's treated me. When I pushed her on it on Sunday night she said that she first started to think about this when we were on holidays but that it wasn't a big thing because we were away and having such fun together. I asked her why she couldn't have told me this when we came back in mid September and she said she just didn't know how to go about telling someone she loved that she was having issues about some of her feelings. So instead she opted to pretend everything was grand for nearly 2 months. If she'd said this way back then, I'd have been well on the road to getting over her instead of facing into the new year having just broken up. To make matters worse we were in contact over christmas and new years and it was like normal. Feeling pretty stupid for having given her the break she wanted.


She said that people have been telling her that ending things could be the biggest mistake of her life and she realises that could be true but that she just can't be in the relationship. I at least managed to hold myself together when we were talking while she balled her way through it and I never lost the plot. I just told her that id have done anything for her and have never been anything other than good to her (maybe a bit too good). She then hit me with old crap that I am one of the nicest people she's ever met and that she knows I'll meet someone else who is better than her and who I really deserve to be with.

She then started going on that she hoped we could some day get back to being friends as she really doesn't want to lose me as a friend. I told her that I didn't know what was going to happen on that front because right now I need to start putting myself first and trying to move on and that the only way that is possible is for me to have no contact with her for months-how could I move on if I was still in contact with someone I still loved and it would be too hard hearing about what's going on their life. She said she knew it would take time for me to get over this but still hoped that a few months down the line maybe we could be friends. I left it that if she wanted she could get in touch in the summer and I'd see where I was at. Let her know that the only way she could contact me between now and then was in case she did realise she'd made a big mistake and then we could talk about things and id see if id moved on what the story was (obviously I know this is a highly outcome). We had a hug goodbye and then she left my place in tears. About an hour after she left I got a text from her saying that she just wanted to send 1 last text saying how sorry she was and that she really hated herself for doing this to the best friend she has ever had. Obviously I didn't reply.

It's been 2 weeks since we broke up and its been full NC. The first week was OK because I was so pumped up that I'm going to get through and was busy planning stuff and trips with friends for the next few months. I guess all this stuff was just distracting from the reality that she's no longer part of my life. Still miss her a huge amount and think about her a lot. I had my first big NC step back at the weekend. I was at the gym on Saturday morning which overlooks two sports hall at my gym when my ex walked into the sports hall to play basketball with friends. We're both very sporty people but she doesn't train at weekends so I wasn't expecting to see her. When I saw her my heart sank because all I wanted to do was to do go down and talk to her. I don't think that she saw me. When was I heading to the locker room after my work out half of me hoped I might bump into her in the corridor and I wanted to go in and say hello. Thankfully my brain over ruled my heart and I went straight to the locker room and got out of the sports centre without meeting her. Man its one of the hardest things I've ever done but I know why NC has to be done.

MiSSsy111222
Jan 19, 2009, 05:05 AM
I find that there is highs and lows with no contact. But I know it's a important step to do, its horrible being hurt. Because we are so used to having this person in our lives, its hard just to shut them out.

I think we should never have to wait for someone to come back to us, because if it was meant to be they would have never left in the first place.

Its good that you used your brain and not your heart when you saw her. I'm dreading the day that I see my ex. Preparing yourself is good.

Good luck with the rest of your recovery. X

kctiger
Jan 19, 2009, 06:01 AM
You seem to have a firm grasp on reality, and solid control over your emotions, which is much more than I could say for myself when I went through this. The entire process of breaking up is a complete roller coaster ride man, and you will find yourself having good days, bad days, horrific days, and incredibly great days. Think of it as emotional detox, as you are training your mind and heart to live without someone who has been a huge part of your life for a long time.

Keep it up, and in my opinion, you are doing great. Welcome to this website! It is truly an incredible place to stumble upon in these situations.

Fab1987
Jan 19, 2009, 10:50 AM
Im with you man. Two weeks into No Contact and today was really tough especially as I'm unemployed and looking for work.

It kills me thinking about her getting on with her life without me.

I can only assume it will get better from here on.

Chin up!

jmw0713
Jan 20, 2009, 12:03 PM
Yes, it only gets better. You may not feel it getting better, but there will come a point where you are truly committed to moving on. You will notice that you won't think about her as much. The you start becoming indifferent about anything having to do with her.

You will realize the pain gradually gets less and less after each day. The key to this is to keep yourself busy and to have fun with friends and family.