It seems that lovers hardly ever become friends after they finish dating or going through a relationship.

It is more often seen that friends become lovers. However, lovers to friends to lovers... people seem to be against that.

My questions for everyone are:
1) Why do lovers never become friends?
AND
2) Can people go from being lovers to friends back to lovers... is that a reality (is that possible, if so, why)?

1) Why do lovers never become friends?

Well in any relationship that has ended there is the one person that ended it. This can lead to feelings of resentment from the person who got dumped. Hard to get over that bump.



2) Can people go from being lovers to friends back to lovers... is that a reality (is that possible, if so, why)?
From my experience, no. I'm sure it has happened at some point in history but not to me. There is a reason why it ended. You can try as hard as you want but putting that kind of pain out of your mind is very very hard to do.

Do you think that being friends first causes you to have a stronger love relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Let me also phrase that a second way. Do you think that if your girlfriend/boyfriend was your friend first for a really long time then you will have a stronger love relationship with her/him?

Do you think that being friends first causes you to have a stronger love relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Let me also phrase that a second way. Do you think that if your girlfriend/boyfriend was your friend first for a really long time then you will have a stronger love relationship with her/him?

It is not true. I was with my ex as friends first for 4 years!! Than we decided to get together and after 1 year and a bit, its apparently over for now... unless something happens in the future and brings us back to each other. It is a rumour. Not saying that it doesn't happen just saying it can work the other way as well.

It is not true. I was with my ex as friends first for 4 years!!! Than we decided to get together and after 1 year and a bit, its apparently over for now... unless something happens in the future and brings us back to each other. It is a rumour. Not saying that it doesnt happen just saying it can work the other way as well.

Hi none, I am unfamiliar with your history. I tried to see if you posted something about your relationship via the search but I couldn't find anything. May I ask why you two broke up or what may have caused the break up?

Hi none, I am unfamiliar with your history. I tried to see if you posted something about your relationship via the search but I couldn't find anything. May I ask why you two broke up or what may have caused the break up?

"The other guy" that's pretty much it. She found something she considers "better" and went for it and left me behind.

I see. I'm sorry to hear that! And that does go to show that friends to lovers doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I thought that friends to lovers would have a more stable relationship because you would know all about each other; likes, dislikes, have companionable conversations; comfortable with each other; trust; honesty; and with all of these qualities be able to withstand outside factors.

I see. I'm sorry to hear that! And that does go to show that friends to lovers doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I thought that friends to lovers would have a more stable relationship because you would know all about each other; likes, dislikes, have companionable conversations; comfortable with each other; trust; honesty; and with all of these qualities be able to withstand outside factors.

In the ideal world, that's how its suppose to happen. It could happen as well, I'm just saying it doesn't work out that way all the time. The truth is, the future is unpredictable. We've heard stories on here with relationships going on for 6 years, 14 years, EVEN 20 years and they end up bad as well. Wouldn't you agree that those people would know more about their partner or know them really well? Yet they still failed. Its different because being friends and being in a relationship is on a totally differently level and things might be different. Its not the same as friendship. Some people just don't work out and can't get along...

Hmm, I can think of something similar to what you're saying. It's just like good friends who become roommates. People say that you shouldn't room with your good friend because you will likely fight over bills or how you keep the apartment, etc.

I can see the same for couples. When people are in a relationship or dating they don't know how the other lives. Once they get married or start living under the same roof they realize how big a slob or clean freak the other person is. They may also not like how the other person handles the finances, etc.

Well, I guess the least I can say about friends who become lovers is that they are compatible at least on some level because otherwise they would never talk. Also, friends who become lovers definitely have past history they can talk about besides just knowing that they jive at least on the elementary level. Once they graduate from elementary school, junior high is much harder... hahahahh...

Hi
I have been through this friend 2 lovers question, and form lovers to friends 2?
Its very difficult in my expierience to be friends wiv someone that you once loved or still do depending on wearher it was you doing the dumping or the other way round as well. I have had n/c with my ex now 4 three weeks and boy is that hard, I love him very much.
I know that he loves me 2, you don't spend 4 years together and just not feel a thing! But being friends and being reminded of all the things that you did love about that person, wouldn't that just be torture? I would absolutely love to be friends with my ex even all that said! DazzaGal

I'm wondering if it's hard to go from friends to lovers because there are higher expectations. Person1 will expect to see Person2 more often than when they were just friends. Person1 might expect more phone calls than while they were friends. I'm thinking that it's not good to have expectations, because otherwise you'll just be disappointed. All of these "you" are figurative "you" not literal "you."

Myself personally, I think it's a good thing being friends with someone before you are lovers, because you find out things as friends that clear up compatibility issues, you must enjoy spending time together as friends to be able to move forward as lovers, and if you enjoy spending that time together as friends then the transition form friends to lovers will be natural, I don't believe that people should have expectations so early on in the relationship- but down the line through comunication you should talk about things that are important to both of you.
But if you were really good friends in the beginning you should already know what type of person they are and they should have said somewhat how they view relationships they have and what they like as a person. I do hope this makes sense

I would hope that Lovers can become friends if that's what both partners want. Sometimes it's not, but that's the risk you take when entering that type of relationship. Women and Men differ in that way. It is romantic for women to think that the guy in their bed is in love with them, but he just wanted sex. He probably already has a girl that satisfies his emotional needs and doesn't need another one.

Did the lover to friend thing. He's one of the greatest friends I've ever had. We tried to go back to the lover thing, but it just felt weird, for both of us. I think we just didn't want to ruin the friendship. Besides, we know waaaaay too much about each other now lol!!

I think in very rare cases lovers can maintain a friendship depending on how the relationship ended or the reasons it did. I have a great friendship with my ex husband and the reason for that I believe is because we share 2 children together and we both are mutual in remaining friends for their sake. On the other hand relationships that end and there are no children involved can be difficult to maintain. If there were any hurt or resentment in the relationship those feelings will always be there. It is much easier for lovers to return to being lovers then it would be to just be friends after you have loved them.

Shouldn't you want your husband/boyfriend/fiance to be your best friend? I'm not understanding why some say that they know "too much" about a person to be their significant other.

Of course you should want your partner /fiance to be your best friend, this should be a natural occurrence during a relationship, but this can become difficult to maintain if you have broken up as a couple, people move on with other new partners and they then in turn become best friends with their new love and therefore the need for that frienship is not as great- some people can maintain a friendship after a break-up, this mostly occurs after the dust has settled and the air has cleared and the relationship break-up has had time to heal,
When you have spent along time with someone you can know way too much about them in some cases, if it was a particularly bad break-up then you can find out things that are not to your liking and therefore it could become dificult to want to return to a place that you were both friends, as with all reationships and all friendships there are particular needs for all of us, and if we are receiving what we need from these then there is no reason why we cannot maintain the friendship that we would like, as long as it is clear to both parties, and both parties are happy with the situation, it will not work as friends if one person wants and hopes for more than the other is willing to give.

Shouldn't you want your husband/boyfriend/fiance to be your best friend? I'm not understanding why some say that they know "too much" about a person to be their significant other.

Well, in my experience with my "friend"... He now tells me everything. Everything he thinks and feels about other women. That's why I wouldn't want to date him again. He's told me things that I wouldn't want to have to deal with in a marriage, such as certain addictions. That's just me.

I do agree that your significant other should be your best friend and you should be able to discuss anything.

Ohh, I understand now! I wouldn't want to have to deal with addictions in a marriage either. That's why it's good to know a person on a very personal level so that you can find out how they act.

I wouldn't want to deal with a guy who is selfish and asks for things all the time, but doesn't want to give back. Nor would I want to have a boyfriend who does the minimum in the relationship; calling but not contributing to the conversation with ideas, question, or suggestions.

That's why I also think it's good to be really good friends with your boyfriend first. Even if you end up learning things about him you didn't want to know, 'cause then you're the one making choices, not him.

By the way, do you think that you can judge your boyfriend by his friends? Or, do you think you can judge a person by their friends?

Birds of a feather stick together!

Well its just a saying but there is some truth behind it - I think
People with the same beliefs and interests do tend to spend more time together, it would be awful spending time with friends that didn't share at least some of the same beliefs and interests with me
Just like those people who may have some sort of addiction or bad habbit- they all seem to know each other well!

So its only my opinion but yes you can judge someone by the friends they have, however all that said, I don't mean that they have to be exactly the same as you otherwise that would be boring and dull- just that in general similar people tend to stick together

Ohh, I understand now! I wouldn't want to have to deal with addictions in a marriage either. That's why it's good to know a person on a very personal level so that you can find out how they act.

I wouldn't want to deal with a guy who is selfish and asks for things all the time, but doesn't want to give back. Nor would I want to have a boyfriend who does the minimum in the relationship; calling but not contributing to the conversation with ideas, question, or suggestions.

That's why I also think it's good to be really good friends with your boyfriend first. Even if you end up learning things about him you didn't want to know, 'cause then you're the one making choices, not him.

By the way, do you think that you can judge your boyfriend by his friends? Or, do you think you can judge a person by their friends?

I think it depends how old of a person we're talking about and how long they have been friends with their friends.

But I would agree you can tell a lot about someone by who their friends are and why they're friends, where they met, etc.

I don't think a person should be judged based on the friends they keep. People act differently depending on who they are with.

Its only my opinion, but shouldn't you just be yourself? Whoever your with!

I agree that you should be yourself no matter who you're with. I think Makapuu is just saying that sometimes you act differently depending on what group of people you're with.

Pretend that you are in two different clubs and one club is a Christian club and the other one is a dancing club. With your Christian friends you'll probably act conservative and laid-back. With the dancing crew, you'll probably wear flashy outfits and be energetic running around everywhere.

However, who you are should be the same in both places. Yet, a lot of people act differently in different situations.

I do see where your coming from definitely, but isn't that just respecting the situation that you are in at the time, it doesn't however ean that you should act differently when you go to different places-thats just knowing the boundarys and respecting the limits,
What I mean is that you can have different types of friends and for different purposes but an overall view of those people tend to be quiet similar.

I have friends of all races, backgrounds, and religions even though we all have our differences we still find common things about each other and that is what makes these friendships so wonderful. I learn something new each time I am with them. Friendships help us grow and learn about ourselves as well as the rest of the world. I am a white female and I have an Indian male friend...would I be judged as being an Indian? So the same goes with who one chooses to have as friends. You just find mutual things you like about each other.

I agree with what you have said you have put it in a different way, I don't mean that if you are a white female you can only have white female friends or cannot be friends with any other race, we are all different on the outside-and that does make it very interesting yes.
But in my opinion we tend to have friends with the same interests as ourself, similar morals and similar beliefs. And referring to the question that was origionally asked, I personally believe that you can tell a lot about a person from the friends that they keep or spend a lot of time with.

I know what you are saying and it is true that we are judged by the company we keep. But what I am saying is that so many people are so closed to anything outside their own customs, beliefs and morals. We still have our morals and we still keep our boundaries and not participate in anything that we feel is wrong for us and that is an individual choice. There has to be some commonalities to have a friendship. You may enjoy the same movies but yet clash when it comes to what clubs to hang out at on a friday night. What I am trying to say is that to many people judge others and because of that minds are closed to anyone different. If I could change one thing in this life it would be that no one is judged and is allowed to live their full potential as the human beings they were meant to be.

There is an old chinese proverb that says
"if you want to see who/what a man is then take a look at his friends. And yes you are also right in many ways that there are people that judge all too much in many aspects or our lives- however when you take a look at how we live and what we do, I personally would like be judged for the friends that I keep(im control the friends I keep so therefore its up to me what impression I give) rather than being judged for the things I have or haven't done, (gossip) we all make mistakes in our lives all throughout our lives, and I can always look to my friends to help me through those difficult times, taking their advice,giving advice, making good decisions... its just my own opinion of course but I like the fact that all my friends have similar morals and beliefs- now I'm not saying that we are all robots or clones or anything like that.. we have all different religions and different backgrounds etc etc, we are all different some are comedians and some are more serious etc etc, but we all have coman ground and we all treat each other with respect, so therefore I like being judged by the friends I keep. Many of my friends don't go out clubbing, and I love to be out clubbing- I just catch up with them at different times of the day and hang out at different places with them- I wasn't talking about the things we do as people I was talking about the way we are,

We pretty much agree on the subject of being judged by the friends we keep. I for one would not choose to be close friends with a known drug dealer because that is not my style or preference. But I wouldn't be so stuck within my morals to not acknowledge that person if they were to pleasantly say hi to me. I guess that is the Paramedic in me. But our friendships always refect back to us different parts of ourselves. The world is your mirror and the relationships you have are a reflection of your state of inner health in it. Discovering this mirror is amazing for creating peace and understanding in any relationship. Everything is reflected back to us through our friends and people we meet on a daily basis. If there are things we dislike about someone, something that drives us nuts or causes us to judge that person then there is something being reflected back to us about ourselves that we do not like and are resisting. Seriously it is amazing. The day people relax about the shortcomings of others is the day they also stop finding and focusing on faults within themselves.

Having a style or preference isn't judgeing someone, I too have preferences with the friends I choose to keep, but I don't judge anyone for the way they choose to live,(i.e drug dealers,etc etc as you have stated) I just choose to keep them out of my life. Yeah I think that we have pretty much covered this between us- it has been really cool hearing your views on this!