Background: I am the mother of three children, 16 to 29, who has been divorced from their father for nine years. I remarried five years ago to a man that my youngest and oldest children (who are kind and successful people) love and respect. He is from the UK and gave up his life there to join me here (we met through our work). My ex-husband and I were civil when we divorced, have a cordial relationship and have always maintained a united front where the kids were concerned. He and my husband are friendly. All three of us have good jobs and, while we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, we are "comfortable."

The problem is with my middle child, now 24. Beginning around 14 he began to give us trouble: drugs, stealing, vandalizing our house, staying out all night, etc. Pressure caused by the problems he got into contributed greatly to my divorce from his dad.

At 19 he met and fell for a woman six years older who already had three children, two of which were being raised by others. Her family had disowned her and still have nothing to do with her. Of course, in no time the two of them had a baby -- and from the time the little girl was six days old she was practically abandoned at our house. For her first two years, she spent the majority of her time with us, and from the first second we absolutely adored her. My husband worked from home during those two years and then took a job outside the home which forced my son and his girlfriend to accept more responsibility with their children. We still saw her frequently as she spent most weekends with us.

During this time we have supported them financially as much as we could and more than we probably should have for our own financial health. We supported them when they decided to marry, helped them have a small wedding and sent them on a lovely honeymoon to England. But our relationship has always been the one where we give and they take, they expect and we fulfill -- and they have resented our help far more than they've appreciated it. We have put up with some ridiculous situations for the sake of the baby.

Recently my daughter-in-law became restless in the relationship and met someone else. My son panicked, sold everything they had and moved them to another state, abandoning the little house they had bought, both of their jobs and her schooling (she was in a technical school learning about computer networking). Things didn't work out and they are now back living in the little house they had bought. His dad tells me they will soon move in with him as the loan company is foreclosing. They have no running water, my ex-husband is trying to help them with groceries, and we have been paying their utility bill for lights/heat and letting them think his father is doing it as we cannot imagine the two children being cold.

During the chaos, while all of this was happening with the affair and our son's irrational reation to it, and before they moved, the telephone bills on the cell phone which WE provided them showed dozens of calls each day from our daughter in law to her boyfriend, even after she had promised she wasn't seeing him any more. We gave the bill to my son who exploded, left our house, accused us of trying to break up his marriage and hasn't been back. The worst of it? He's refusing to let us see his baby, now 4.

Our hearts are broken because we love that child and we believe her grandparents are the only stable people in her life. We know she loves and misses us. Her birthday was last week and we tried to take a gift to her but they wouldn't answer the door and we're sure she must have been so confused.

We are good people. Things like this shouldn't happen in our lives. We're hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed.

How did the mess end up being our fault? What can we do to protect that child and our relationship with her? Do we have any rights? (We live in Tennessee)

(Sorry this is so long -- it could have been the length of a novel if I tried to tell you as much as you need to know to understand the situation better!)

If you Google 'grandparent rights in Tennessee'it seems that it is a state which allows you to petition for access.

grandparent rights in tennessee - Google Search (http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&ct=result&cd=1&q=grandparent+rights+in+tennessee&spell=1)

It would be wonderful for that toddler to have you and your husband involved in their life. Also pretty amazing that the ex husband is involved as well. You are all very generous people.

I am curious with the withholding of your granddaughter from you, if they have also stopped asking for help. I suspect that this is their way of punishing you over the phone records, and, that they are obviously very needy people, they will likely come around at some point.

You may be in a position to regroup and think about how you are going to all handle this situation when it does come around again. It may be time to stop the bailing out and financial assistance, and allow them to grow up. Particularly if you are able to secure grandparent access that won't be based on your ability to support them.

I know your heart must be breaking at not seeing the little one, and they are depriving her of a positive loving influence in her life. To use a child as a weapon, or bargaining chip really shows how intellectually bankrupt those two are.

Hopefully some legal advice will come in another response here, and good luck, I really hope that you are able to break free of this cycle with your son, and establish a relationship with your granddaughter.

Ouch! I am a mother of three children and could never imagine taking them away from their grandparents for any reason. Children need family. What I am wondering is if they took her away from you as either punishment or because she is old enough to speak and something may just spill out. I know it is hard as a parent to ever imagine having to put your children in a hard position, but may I ask why you have never turned them into social services? I mean no running water along with the many other problems they are having. Don't you feel that the little girl deserves a little better than that. Forget visitation rights maybe it is time to have her removed from this nightmare and someone else with a stable environment raise her.