fallout28
Jan 17, 2009, 12:28 AM
I'm 28 and this girl is 22... I'm going to fast forward and just say we met at work about a year ago and dated for about a month and then just well went back and forth. She's not talking to me. Not answering my calls, texts, or emails. But this is the last email I sent her which was today...
I was impulsive,immature, and insecure with you because I was afraid and frustrated with how you make me feel. My heart quickens around you and you know this... I get weak and unsure of myself. I knew I liked you... I just didn't realize how much until I'm actually in your presence. But that's how I knew I wasn't ready for you. I'm not broken anymore... but I'm not 100%. There's still doubt in my heart, I'm still emotionally weak, And I still cling to people like my cousin because I'm scared of failing again. And it bothers me that You've never seen me at my best... you met me at my lowest point and even this past X-mas I was off. I got lazy and weak my last two months in Alaska, I'd lost 18lbs. Since October! But I didn't expect to see you dammit and I still hadn't gotten a car yet or bought any new clothes. And I know things like that don't matter to you because that's the type of person you are... and you liked me as you found me but it makes ME uncomfortable. But I love that about you, and it's one of the many reasons I'm in love with you.
But that's not who I am. Half the time I feel like I don't deserve you because I'm not the best I can be. And as long as I feel like that, I can never be comfortable with you and I'll always act the same way around you... in a relationship or not. Making excuses about sex or not committing to me to give myself a reason to pull away from you then trying to get you back because now it's "oh " I'm going to lose her. Again an example of my emotional weakness and insecurity... there's no excuse for that. If I was confident in who I was and how you truly felt about me I would be able to relax and just let things happen the way they were meant to happen... us together or not. And I've had a long talk with my mother... and I tried to explain to her, but she already knows the type of person I am. She told me I couldn't put you in a box and save you for when I got myself together.
Where two completely different people... you are strong and confident and you draw your strength from a completley different source than me. Meggan makes you strong because you don't have an option to fail... you have all the traits of a good mother... your caring, selfless, and loving but I know even without meggan you would be the same person. You gain confidence from helping those you care about around you. That makes you emotinally strong and gives you your confidence in life and makes you who you are. Your strengths are my weaknessess. And I suppose that confuses you and you wonder why I can't be comfortable, why does he act this way, why is he so insecure and up and down around me? You're a good person leann and you have a good heart.
But that's not who I am... my strength comes from my material gain, my ambition, and my vanity. So how could I be confident? I had lost everything, I had no ambition left no drive so I didn't care about how I looked or my outward appearance. Only now have I been able to feed my strengths and START becoming confident again. I now have the income again to get what I want, the ambition to be better and go through whoever I have to to get back on top, and I care about my image again. My overconfidence and ambition are my weaknessess as it is my strength. That's why I've never been comfortable around you, never been secure with you or who I was, or strong enough to let go. Materialistic,selfish, overly ambitious, and narcissitic... these are parts of my character... who I am.
But I'm not a bad person and you know that. I love my family and I care about there well being and I love and care about you. But I've tried to embrace not having anything and being happy for what I do have... but I would dwell on my past and what I had because that's who I am... what I want. I can't lie to myself or you anymore, and try to be someone I'm not. But that's why I'm drawn to people like my cousin... like you. My cousin is kind and giving and selfless just like you. I find balance in that... he complements me where I come up short as do you. I admire your strengths... but they just aren't mine.
Having a nice car and everything that comes with being on top is what makes ME happy. That's what gives me confidence and where I find balance. That's the path I'm on, that's when I will be better. When I will be secure in who I am... relaxed and confident in myself. I'm sorry that things were so crazy with us... that I said or did things that hurt you... and would give you ultimatitums and ask for absolutes, but that was just my fear of losing you and trying to contain you until I was at the level I needed to be at. Which was wrong. But I'm trying to make things clear to you on WHY things happened the way they did. I know your not ready and neither am I nor could I even "live" in the moment and just enjoy our time together because I know nothing is guaranteed and everything changes. I'm just not there yet, I don't have myself completely together yet and until that happens I won't be happy with who I am.
but I am close, closer than I've been in over 3 years. I can feel my rise to the top and my place on it. I can't undo what's been done and I know that right now your just fed up with me and tired of dealing with me especially with everything you have going on right now in your life. I don't know how long we won't talk to each other or if we even will... I can't predict the future, but I understand where your coming from in doing what your doing. And after this email I will turn my attention back to me again. Focus on my departure and upcoming year and what I have to do and let you do what you have to do. And get my life back in order and overcome the rest of my problems inside and out. I just want you to know that my feelings for you will never change. I've never felt this strongly about any female before in my life. I love you and I always will. I'm just upset that I never seem to be ready for you. 2-3 months or even 5-6 from now, you decide that you want to talk to me again. I will be there, I will never turn you down... you only need to ask and I'll be more than happy to have you back in my life. And I swear to god I will never let you slip through my fingers again.
She still hasn't responded to me... I'm at a loss and I just don't know what to do. I mean I know I need to do what I said in my email and focus on myself and what I need to do. I just can't seem to do it. I've isolated myself from all my friends. I haven't even talked to any of my closest friends in a week. I need to put on at least 10lbs. Before I leave to Alaska this Feb. for my job but I can't eat let alone get myself in the gym or sleep. I can't shake this... I'm at a loss and I need help...
I was impulsive,immature, and insecure with you because I was afraid and frustrated with how you make me feel. My heart quickens around you and you know this... I get weak and unsure of myself. I knew I liked you... I just didn't realize how much until I'm actually in your presence. But that's how I knew I wasn't ready for you. I'm not broken anymore... but I'm not 100%. There's still doubt in my heart, I'm still emotionally weak, And I still cling to people like my cousin because I'm scared of failing again. And it bothers me that You've never seen me at my best... you met me at my lowest point and even this past X-mas I was off. I got lazy and weak my last two months in Alaska, I'd lost 18lbs. Since October! But I didn't expect to see you dammit and I still hadn't gotten a car yet or bought any new clothes. And I know things like that don't matter to you because that's the type of person you are... and you liked me as you found me but it makes ME uncomfortable. But I love that about you, and it's one of the many reasons I'm in love with you.
But that's not who I am. Half the time I feel like I don't deserve you because I'm not the best I can be. And as long as I feel like that, I can never be comfortable with you and I'll always act the same way around you... in a relationship or not. Making excuses about sex or not committing to me to give myself a reason to pull away from you then trying to get you back because now it's "oh " I'm going to lose her. Again an example of my emotional weakness and insecurity... there's no excuse for that. If I was confident in who I was and how you truly felt about me I would be able to relax and just let things happen the way they were meant to happen... us together or not. And I've had a long talk with my mother... and I tried to explain to her, but she already knows the type of person I am. She told me I couldn't put you in a box and save you for when I got myself together.
Where two completely different people... you are strong and confident and you draw your strength from a completley different source than me. Meggan makes you strong because you don't have an option to fail... you have all the traits of a good mother... your caring, selfless, and loving but I know even without meggan you would be the same person. You gain confidence from helping those you care about around you. That makes you emotinally strong and gives you your confidence in life and makes you who you are. Your strengths are my weaknessess. And I suppose that confuses you and you wonder why I can't be comfortable, why does he act this way, why is he so insecure and up and down around me? You're a good person leann and you have a good heart.
But that's not who I am... my strength comes from my material gain, my ambition, and my vanity. So how could I be confident? I had lost everything, I had no ambition left no drive so I didn't care about how I looked or my outward appearance. Only now have I been able to feed my strengths and START becoming confident again. I now have the income again to get what I want, the ambition to be better and go through whoever I have to to get back on top, and I care about my image again. My overconfidence and ambition are my weaknessess as it is my strength. That's why I've never been comfortable around you, never been secure with you or who I was, or strong enough to let go. Materialistic,selfish, overly ambitious, and narcissitic... these are parts of my character... who I am.
But I'm not a bad person and you know that. I love my family and I care about there well being and I love and care about you. But I've tried to embrace not having anything and being happy for what I do have... but I would dwell on my past and what I had because that's who I am... what I want. I can't lie to myself or you anymore, and try to be someone I'm not. But that's why I'm drawn to people like my cousin... like you. My cousin is kind and giving and selfless just like you. I find balance in that... he complements me where I come up short as do you. I admire your strengths... but they just aren't mine.
Having a nice car and everything that comes with being on top is what makes ME happy. That's what gives me confidence and where I find balance. That's the path I'm on, that's when I will be better. When I will be secure in who I am... relaxed and confident in myself. I'm sorry that things were so crazy with us... that I said or did things that hurt you... and would give you ultimatitums and ask for absolutes, but that was just my fear of losing you and trying to contain you until I was at the level I needed to be at. Which was wrong. But I'm trying to make things clear to you on WHY things happened the way they did. I know your not ready and neither am I nor could I even "live" in the moment and just enjoy our time together because I know nothing is guaranteed and everything changes. I'm just not there yet, I don't have myself completely together yet and until that happens I won't be happy with who I am.
but I am close, closer than I've been in over 3 years. I can feel my rise to the top and my place on it. I can't undo what's been done and I know that right now your just fed up with me and tired of dealing with me especially with everything you have going on right now in your life. I don't know how long we won't talk to each other or if we even will... I can't predict the future, but I understand where your coming from in doing what your doing. And after this email I will turn my attention back to me again. Focus on my departure and upcoming year and what I have to do and let you do what you have to do. And get my life back in order and overcome the rest of my problems inside and out. I just want you to know that my feelings for you will never change. I've never felt this strongly about any female before in my life. I love you and I always will. I'm just upset that I never seem to be ready for you. 2-3 months or even 5-6 from now, you decide that you want to talk to me again. I will be there, I will never turn you down... you only need to ask and I'll be more than happy to have you back in my life. And I swear to god I will never let you slip through my fingers again.
She still hasn't responded to me... I'm at a loss and I just don't know what to do. I mean I know I need to do what I said in my email and focus on myself and what I need to do. I just can't seem to do it. I've isolated myself from all my friends. I haven't even talked to any of my closest friends in a week. I need to put on at least 10lbs. Before I leave to Alaska this Feb. for my job but I can't eat let alone get myself in the gym or sleep. I can't shake this... I'm at a loss and I need help...