How can I feel good about myself, have high self esteem, if I have never done anything beyond what I've been asked or told to do. I have spent my whole life listening to people, now I'm about to get stuck in the army. I don't feel good about myself but I don't feel bad either, everyone has a low opinion of me, it is unanimous, I've already been told negative things by almost every one of my peers this past week. I am currently attending college, and so far I dislike it. I always have a positive attitude about things but it doesn't help in the least. I still feel unhappy 24/7 the only time I enjoy anything is when I'm sleeping. Most people say I'm egotistical but I don't see how. I feel like I've been conditioned my whole life to do what I'm told and thus I have never really done anything creative and I have lost pretty much all imagination. I feel like I'm just waiting every day for the next day and so on. Nothing seems to inspire me and I'm getting to the point where I feel that life is more of a chore than a privilege. I see the world and I just feel more hopeless.

P.S. Aside from talking on this forum I will never repeat any of this to anyone. I've already talked to some people way too much about things that I should have never told anyone and that only adds to the problem.

Hi, Rollingalong!

I do note that you've already received some advice from people from this site. Are you willing to accept and act now positively and pro-actively on advice that you're given here?

Thanks!

These are two separate questions. One was about finding a psychiatrist which ended up failing, no one will accept a patient without keeping records. Now that I can't get a psychiatrist I came here for help. So it goes without saying that if I get usable advice that I would use it.

Life is more of a chore than a privilege huh?

Ive never heard anyone put it that way before.

I am going to tell you what you don't want to hear.

Think of someone, anyone in your life who is worse off that you.
Think of someone who you don't know that is worse off than you and when you do that.. count your blessings.

We have all been there,disillusioned,wondering when happiness will just drop down and give us our due.

Honey,it just doesn't happen, You have to may your own happiness .It does not come knocking at your door.

You have never been your creative self and so what is stopping you now

You owe no one anything when it comes to your personal decisions.

If some say you are egotistical then I say *yes I am because I want to live MY life*

As long as you are not hurting others, follow your own path.NO One has to walk in your shoes but you.

I don't know anyone in my life that is worse of than me, of course I have pretty much everything I'll ever need for the rest of my life right now, I don't see anyone else in my life that has been unfortunate to the point where they are any worse of than me.

I wonder if you were to describe yourself as either being in a comfortable place, or an uncomfortable place. Do you feel particularly fulfilled, or unfulfulled?

You say people have a low opinion of you which can also mean they don't expect anything, so you don't have to live up to any expectations.

We all know people who are described as 'underachievers'. They do the least amount of what is expected of them to get by. They do not take any risks, venture into unknown territory, or get particularly excited about new ventures, relationships, hobbies etc.

I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with that. It's comfortable. Safe. Secure. Predictable.

Others are the opposite, many swing from one to the other.

If, on the other hand, you want to be more outgoing, busier and develop interests, you have to venture out of that place, and tackle something new. There are classes you can take on how to assert yourself, self-esteem workshops, skill development, and thousands of courses on everything from cooking to basket weaving.

You are in college, and can easily check student services; join a club, help out with fundraising for charities, food drives. Volunteer for services to assist the elderly in your community, go to the nearest animal shelter and volunteer a few hours a week.

If, on the other hand, you are happy where you are, perhaps its just a matter of accepting it.

You know, I'm not trained in any way but have you considered that you might be suffering from depression? I do and the way you feel is how I feel when I'm going through my bouts. I accept things for what they are... it's a chemical reaction in my body... Perhaps that's the issue? Have you ever been told/diagnosed before?

I wonder if you were to describe yourself as either being in a comfortable place, or an uncomfortable place. Do you feel particularly fulfilled, or unfulfulled?

You say people have a low opinion of you which can also mean they don't expect anything, so you don't have to live up to any expectations.

We all know people who are described as 'underachievers'. They do the least amount of what is expected of them to get by. They do not take any risks, venture into unknown territory, or get particularly excited about new ventures, relationships, hobbies etc.

I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with that. It's comfortable. Safe. Secure. Predictable.

Others are the opposite, many swing from one to the other.

If, on the other hand, you want to be more outgoing, busier and develop interests, you have to venture out of that place, and tackle something new. There are classes you can take on how to assert yourself, self-esteem workshops, skill development, and thousands of courses on everything from cooking to basket weaving.

You are in college, and can easily check student services; join a club, help out with fundraising for charities, food drives. Volunteer for services to assist the elderly in your community, go to the nearest animal shelter and volunteer a few hours a week.

If, on the other hand, you are happy where you are, perhaps its just a matter of accepting it.

I wouldn't consider myself as an underachiever, I do get great grades and such. However, I do find it hard to do anything more than what I am assigned to do, beyond peoples expectations, because when I get to that point my mind go blank and I spend hours trying to think of something that will be best. I usually end up just giving up and doing an average job and just feeling so so and never feeling good about my work. I guess I try to hold myself to a standard I can't achieve and it ends up lowering the overall quality of my work. I just don't know any other way to do things though, I want to exceed expectations but I don't seem capable. Like trying to go 190mph in a car without racing tires.

The army takes up a lot of my time, ROTC. I used to be in a few clubs but ended up losing interest in them. I do try a lot of new stuff, and I have fun for awhile then I just lose interest and desire to continue with the activity. As I get older I find this to happen a lot more often. It doesn't help that my "friends" never want to do anything either. I got to the end of the semester to decide if I want to leave the army or not before I'm set into a contract with them for 8 years. I don't know what to do, things could be worse, but I don't know if there is anything out there that could be better. I wouldn't know where to start.

People seem to think that I expect more from life than I deserve. I don't expect anything from life, I could be stuck in the ghetto working and a laundromat for the rest of my life, as long as I get food and clothes I would be fine. I guess I perceive myself and my actions differently than everyone else does.

I don't know what to think, I don't know who I am, what I want. The world doesn't seem very interesting and neither does the future. I don't know how to change that and all I want to do is for one time to feel like there is some special purpose to my life rather than doing something everyone else does. Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to be lazy.

Hi again, Rollingalong!

If I said to you that a big part of life is about making choices for ourselves and living with those choices that we make and that we can be in control of our own thoughts and actions, but not in control of the thoughts and actions of others, what would you say to that, please?

Thanks!

I would say that we always are in control of our own actions and thoughts, just depends on how much self-control you have to be able to make it stay that way. People can always influence others to do their will. For example, the highlight of my life, I a little over $1000 playing hold them with my ex-friend. I talked me into it asking me to use my own money to generate more, it worked for awhile we got up over $1000 but got in over our heads and lost it all. Now I'm out a grand and he has the audacity to ask me to pay for his "HALF" of the money that was won and then lost. It didn't break me financially I still have plenty of money left to pay my bills and such. I do know that it was my decision and my money but he was still able to take advantage of my love of poker and turn it against me. It's probably a good things but now I can't stand to play any cards games because I can't stand to loose any more money. I used to love to play $10 every now and then for fun, I get the social event for a few hours, a possibility to win more money and a good time.

Now I'm stuck going to a school that is uninteresting, about to be stuck in the Army. I mean I don't know what does interest me, I have never found out. The reason I joined ROTC was so I could fly helicopters but I don't know if that will satisfy me. I want to have pride in something I do and I have no idea where to start and how to do it. I tend to lack imagination and inspiration. Most my research papers are just a bunch of other peoples work put together with no original thought whatsoever. This is my dilemma.

R, It is my feeling that you have spent your life thinking and ruminating and carefully preparing your world view to protect your coccoon like mental existence. This is failing you in a hurry now that you are forced to become an adult... and you aren't prepared to exist as a fully functioning adult... a person who makes his/her own decisions and lives by the results of them.

Take a step toward health and happiness... go to a psychiatrist and have therapy.

Best wishes to you in the future, :)

Sorry seeing a therapist is not and never will be an option. Unless they are willing to not keep records of my visits and such. So far I haven't found any that do that.