We had been dating for about 9 months. We loved each other despite the obstacles.The past few months though I have been having second thoughts because she is too young-she does stupid things when she drinks (she cheated once, and also is always trying to get acceptance from ex's)I tried to forgive her, but just couldn't trust her. Then she started to ask me about getting married and have kids. I told her that with our age difference that was nuts. Anyway, is this simply behavior of a 19 year old girl? With this age difference, am I just crazy to think it could ever work out?

Im 20 years old and I dn't see a problem with the age difference, I have dated a few older men around your age with no problems.
But I don't think your realationship is going to work, she doesn't sound like she's very mature and has already betrayed your trust.
I say get out as fast as you can

Age really shouldn't be an issue, but it sounds like you guys have a deeper issue than that.

I agree that age shouldn't be an issue, but, what can you two possibly have in common, she's half your age, in a different place in her life, lacks maturity. This relationship is most likely not going to work because of the difference in outlooks and maturity.

This relationship has too many issues and I think deep down you know the answer to your questions and give many examples to support why it won't work. Think back to when you was 19, take a minute. Was you ready to be in committed, serious relationship?

OMG that is werid!! Eww

OMG that is werid!!!! eww

Lucy it is NOT your place to judge.

This relationship has too many issues and I think deep down you know the answer to your questions and give many examples to support why it won't work. Think back to when you was 19, take a minute. Was you ready to be in committed, serious relationship?

I agree with you-I am not the one who wants the serious commitment. I just want to date and hang out with someone. She has the fantasy about marriage and kids. Thanks for you responses. Aaron

She doesn't sound very mature by the things she has done, it seems like you are babysitting her...

First age difference does not make or allow one to cheat, you cheat if you are not really committed to your partner.

But a 19 or 20 year old is going to want marriage, kids and a family. They are going to want all the things you may have already had.
** you did not say if you had a ex wife and kids.

But at 40, you will have to accept that a lot of people will ask you if she is your daughter.

It is not may place to judge, I have "dated" with that age difference but in the end, as you may be seeing, what you want and see happening in the future is just different from what she wants

It would be different if she was 40 and you were 60, the maturity level would be closer.

She's still a kid in many ways, and at 40 you aren't anymore.

I agree with you-I am not the one who wants the serious commitment. I just want to date and hang out with someone. She has the fantasy about marriage and kids. Thanks for you responses. Aaron

Then you might it clear to her about want you want. She wants kids and marriage while you want to just hang out. You two are on two separate pages, aside from the other issues, so maybe it's time for you should find someone else to hang out with instead of her.

Aaron, asking the question as you did indicates you already knew the answer(s).

It's not a matter of 'age difference' or 'right or wrong' but perhaps a matter of growth and/or experience, but obviously allot of 'generational' differences.

People who are ready for 'marriage and children' don't cheat in the first 9 months. If ever.

I could say she obviously needs to grow up, relative to your comments. Perhaps you also need to grow up.

Both of you need to get real.. .

My parents got together when my step-mother was 18 and my father was 38, they have been married for over twenty years.

That being said your issues are beyond age differences and you would be surprised as you age the age difference grows... now my step-mother is in her forties and my father retired and in his sixties, while they always work things out the diffence is greater now then when they were younger.

At 40 years of age I think your pretty well set in your ways and have learnt a lot of lifes lessons , at 19 she will change a lot in the next 4-5 years.

I don't have a problem with age differences but as Alty said it's a lot different at 40 and 60 compared to your ages.

The fact that she has already cheated on you is a HUGE Red Flag in my opinion.

Let the poor kid grow up some, or you will have a disaster on your hands. Actually sounds like you already know that.

I don't see the age difference to be the problem. The "she does stupid things when she drinks" at ANY age would have me racing toward the door.

I was with a 22 years old and I am 34. You got to have lots of patience (spoon feeding) and also she may not agree and understand your views. Very hard to communicate with. If you can't communicate then things will get boring and will fall apart doesn't matter how good the sex is or how good looking she is.

doesn't matter how good the sex is or how good looking she is.

Does it ever?

Good sex with a beautiful women that you have nothing in common with, well, that doesn't usually last long, unless that's alll that's important to you.

After the great sex and ogling her beautiful face, if you can't sit down and talk with her, share yourself, your hopes, your dreams, and everything else with her, well, all you have is great sex and a pretty face.

This too shall pass.

I guess you get what you get. What do you really expect to get from a 19 year old. That's a 21 age difference between the two of you. So you basically get what you ask for.

we had been dating for about 9 months. We loved each other despite the obstacles.The past few months though I have been having second thoughts because she is too young-she does stupid things when she drinks (she cheated once, and also is always trying to get acceptance from ex's)I tried to forgive her, but just couldn't trust her. Then she started to ask me about getting married and have kids. I told her that with our age difference that was nuts. Anyway, is this simply behavior of a 19 year old girl? with this age difference, am I just crazy to think it could ever work out?

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating young girl as long as she's legal.We all know and I am sure the OP know what he's in for. If you're just playing the field then you got to expect the outcome. If you can take the pain when she dumps you then stick around.

The question he's asking is "is it wrong?". I am sure he know it wouldn't work.

Well I am confused by the OP statements because he said he loves her but only wants to hang out with her so this could be leading her on especially since he knows how she acts.

Age does matter to a degree. I am 28 and my fiancé is 36. Now I don't think I could date someone that is 18 because we would be in different places as far as lifes goes. I would be settle mines while they're just exploring theirs. I need someone who is settle in their life always and who is mature enough to be in a relationship. At 40 he done experience things that she didn't so sometimes you have to let people go. Let her go and explore her life.

Let her go and explore her life.

He doesn't have to. I wouldn't be surprised if he posts here later down the road asking us why he got dumped.:)

we had been dating for about 9 months. We loved each other despite the obstacles.The past few months though I have been having second thoughts because she is too young-she does stupid things when she drinks (she cheated once, and also is always trying to get acceptance from ex's)I tried to forgive her, but just couldn't trust her. Then she started to ask me about getting married and have kids. I told her that with our age difference that was nuts. Anyway, is this simply behavior of a 19 year old girl? with this age difference, am I just crazy to think it could ever work out?
A friend of mine, and she's a real gone chick, is dating a 35 year old when she's 22. I'm 23 and have wanted her since I was 15. She's dating this dude because during early summer of '08 she walked out on her ugly boyfriend of four years. In fact, after one month of dating the older dude she left him to go back to her ex, whom she immediately broke up with, and after a few short days of being alone she went back to the middle-ager... and he took her back! You can tell it's a terminal relationship because they try to make it as public as possible, it's so phony.

From the way you talk it sounds like you're in a similar situation, espcecially with the "acceptence from exes", again, she's probably trying to make them jealous, what 19 year old can compete with someone who's got a job, car and likely a house too?

So yeah, it's all crazy talk, have fun but don't get attached.

I don't understand what the 19 year old sees in the 40 year old UNLESS he has something to offer that someone her own age doesn't have. Some women are into power, money, material things, gifts or just general maturity - if OP has any of those things. I can see why he wants a 19 year old on his arm. This particular 19 year old I'm having a problem understanding.

There were certainly times in my life when I dated much older men because "men" my age were busy high fiving each other, passing out drunk, seeing if they can score, comparing their scores, making crude suggestions in public places and calling women "chicks." An older man has gone through that stage and I found was, in general, much more stable.

Of course, when his children are older than you are there can be problems -

She could be having a lousy relationship with her father, and put you into that role. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't get to attached, as the drama may be more than this fun is worth.

I agree with you-I am not the one who wants the serious commitment. I just want to date and hang out with someone. She has the fantasy about marriage and kids. Thanks for you responses. Aaron

There's your answer... :)

What's to work out?
Ultimately, you both want different things from the relationship.

If this is just for a spin around the block than you can have fun together but in the long term someone's wishes will not be granted.

The issues with this relationship are not worth it! There is over 20 years difference here (being the obvious) you are a generation apart. And all that a generation entails.
And if you start in this much turmoil, things are only going to get worse.
And frankly, all 19 year olds are good for to a 40 year old, (hell, I'm 25, and all they're good for to me) is physical. They haven't experienced enough of life to be truly significant and sustainable companions.
Save yourself...

Thanks for all your comments. I do love her-but the dishonesty and cheating at any age should be a red flag-I guess I tried to forgive her behavior because of her age. She has some issue here.

She isn't the only female in your town is she??

She isn't the only female in your town is she???

No, and we are not together anymore.

Thanks for all your comments. I do love her-but the dishonesty and cheating at any age should be a red flag-I guess I tried to forgive her behavior because of her age. She has some issue here.
SOME issues? Sounds more like she has an entire news stand.

I'm 25 and my hubby is 35... we have been together for 5 years now... its not perfect but we always work things out... on the other hand 19 and 40 this is a big gap in between she practically just became an adult and still likes to party with her friends and bug out... I don't know if she's just messing with you, do u always by her stuff?. spoil her? This can always be a case... but u I know ready to settle down.. did u know eachothers age when u met?

No, I didn't buy her stuff-at first my age bothered her. Many of her friends and family said she was nuts-and of course were wondering what was wrong with me. She just accepted it, but I don't think I ever truly did.

Aaron,

What do you like about her beside the physical attraction?

I like the way she...
Doesn't let small obstacles in life break her down
Wants to go to Africa and help
Writes songs
Encourages me in anything I wish to do
Won't let me get out of bed without cuddling(corny?)
Her cat-like nudging for another kiss
... just a few

I think it can't work and that's why you are on here.
Deep down you know it.

I am sure you are very in love, but she has not gone through final stages of development so you cannot even judge what you have now.

It's not that there is 21 years between you. It's that where the 21 years are. If she were 30 and you were 51 I'd say you had a chance. She needs at least 4-5 more years to know who she is.. And you cannot be her identity... unfortunately.

Yeah, I wish I had the maturity to have realized this sooner. All too often I don't think things through

Hey SBohs,


We live and learn as long as you learn something out of this experience you'll do better next time. At one point I thought I was invincible, I could never fall in love with my ex but when she left it hurt like an SOB. Love, it grows on you so be sure you're with the right one otherwise you'll get hurt.

Hey SBohs,


We live and learn as long as you learn something out of this experience you'll do better next time. At one point I thought I was invincible, I could never fall in love with my ex but when she left it hurt like an SOB. Love, it grows on you so be sure you're with the right one otherwise you'll get hurt.

Yes, we are not together now,and its weird-as much as I knew it would never work out I got used to it. She wanted to marry me-thought I was her soul mate. I feel bad for leading her on, but didn't really think about it at the time. Now, I miss all the little things-I feel like I am in a cheesy love song. How did you move on?

Yes, we are not together now,and its weird-as much as I knew it would never work out I got used to it. She wanted to marry me-thought I was her soul mate. I feel bad for leading her on, but didn't really think about it at the time. Now, I miss all the little things-I feel like I am in a cheesy love song. How did you move on?


Love, it grows on you and it's something beyond your control. It's like a drug. No body is invincible. The only way it would work is that she allows you to guide her. Unfortunately common sense is not common to everyone. Trying to get her to understand your point of view at this age is very difficult. Eventually you'll put problems on the back burner. If you have a pile of $hit and try to cover it up one day you'll smell it.

I moved on by leaving her alone. Go no contact. Haven't talk to her in six months. I believe I do love her otherwise why did it hurt so much when she left.

Find someone who is mature and can communicate on the same level with you if you want to be with her for the long haul. It takes two to tango and if one doesn't do his/her part thing will fall apart and u'll get hurt.

I guess this poster used two names?

Aaaron Sinclair and SBohds?

I guess so but he shouldn't do this because this confusing things.

In your other threads, with the other name, your obsessed with this girl and can't respect her space.

So now I am confuse and question your age.www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-she-uncomfortable-she-broke-off-me-304316.html

Also, both threads was posted a day apart from each other.

I am sorry for the confusion-I didn't mean to be misleading. The question about the age was a question I had wanted to ask a few moths ago. I agree that I am obsessed and it scares me. You must be wondering how can someone in such a doomed relationship even care even more. I am in early recovery once again and I am quite out there. I am leaving her alone-I am not a stalker. Some friends say that her being uncomfortable is her problem and if I were to stop going to a place that I have been going to for a few years I would be weak and giving her power. My conscience says to leave her alone. The truth is that I am unemployed right now and that is the only place I can go, and hang out with friends. Yeah, it is kind of pathetic. She only works there a couple times a week-and I don't know when that is. I feel very alone and nuts most of the time. I am older in physical years, but emotionally I am in high school or something. Please accept my apology-i did come on this site for others opinions who have through this kind of . In the future, I will be more forthcoming. Thanks

SBohds, how are you related to the OP in this question. It is misleading as aaron sinclair originally posted the question and now it seems as though you are answering using another username.

Age isn't an major issue here, I think she wasn't really that mature and has betrayed your trust she needs to grow up, I think if she was a little more mature and trustworthy you's would've had a chance
Sorry to hear it didn't work out

Maybe you should get help for your addiction, getting over her, and putting your life back in order.

Don't listen to your friends your giving her the power by not going to this coffee shop. You've do what is right for you. So it would be in your best interested not to go there.

With counselling and time your be able to get over her and get your life in order.