Me and my girlfriend broke up 2 weeks ago,she says she loves me and wonts things to work,and even said she would like to get married and have kids, but she says I've changed and she has been trying to get me to stop being so into work and money and just have fun like we use to.she said for the last year and half of are 3 year relationship she has been trying to get me to relax.finally I could see she wasn't herself and she told me she doesn't think she love anyone as much as me,but wants to separate,and if I can change ,and she sees that I have then we can try again.
My problem is, never to this moment did I really understand what she felt and meant,she only wants what's best for us( I think)and now I am changing and getting help from family and friend to do so,but the time apart is killing me.I'm so scared and get sick when I think about it.I'm trying very hard to give her space,but I can't stop thinking about bad things,
Do you think if I really change that we can work things out,because I can't stop thinking time apart will make her forget me. I need some support.

You're in a tight spot here man. I am just wondering why she wants you to relax instead of working so much and worrying about money. If she wants to get married and have kids then that requires money. I think that you should just talk to her and tell her this and see what she says. If she sees your reasoning then she will realize that what you are doing is the best for the both of you and your future children.

Who knows for sure that if you change she will take you back? Maybe, maybe that. I think she is confuse with herself because if work was the only issue between the two of you then why couldn't your work it out? What else hapoen because you said something about bad things in your relationship, what bad things?

At this time you can only focus on yourself because I am sure that there is something's you would want to change about her since she wants you to change. Your going think about her, that's normal but don't let thoughts of her consume you.

Change what? The fact that you are concentrating on work?
That does not sound like a deal breaker to me.
Trying to make someone what they are not is not love.That is conditional love,meaning, I only love you when you do what I want.
Is that really what you want?
There is a time for play and a time for work and perhaps you do have your priorities straight right now.
Compromise seems to be the best answer but you should not have to be the only one to change.Perhaps she needs to be more accepting as well.

I wrote about this already but feel I need to tell it a little better.
Me and my girlfriend broke up on jan 7,we were together just giving each other space but I pushed the subject,to the point were she said we needed to brake up .
She told me I always push when it comes to problems and never give them time to be fixed,before I'm pushing the subject to heal fast,and she's right. I asked her if she loved me and if she really wanted to work things out to be together,or just trying to let me down easy,she keeps on saying she does love me and wants to be together.but she said she needs me to stop pushing all the time and learn to listen and stop wineing about things all the time,she said she wants me to get back to the happy,fun,carefree person she fell in love with.(we been together for 3 years and she said I started acting like thins a year ago and it has slowly got worse).she asked me if I would be willing to go stay with friends for a while,and after we have a few days aof space then we can start from scratch and just have fun,and if she sees that I'm am really trying to change then we can work things out.
So I went to my friend ( on good terms) and dident contact her for three days, she called me and asked about things,of couse I started pushing,saying how much I loved her and why can't we just get back together now,but she was very clear that if I really won't this to work I have to learn to stop pushing,she said she does miss me but she has been trying to keep herself busy.she said she understand that it might be harder for me,since she has been feeling this for a while and has had time to cope. All I know is that in all my life I have never met someone that I care so much for,and that I respect.as weak as she might seem at first sight she is strong when it comes to us. Everyday now I focus on changing, I stopped pushing the subject and have just tried to enjoy myself ,instead of thinking about money and work all the time.I pray that we work out,because this is the women I want to marry. She said she would call me this week to do something,(and I feel that when we hangout that that is the time to show who I am becoming and want to be not just for her but for us.my paln is to go on some dates andhang with are friend together, the only problem is the waiting,it kills me,I have had a sick feeling in my stomach everyday.
If anyone has any ideas or coments they are very welcome and apprecitated. Thank you
(and on a last note we have decided not to jump back into living together right away,that we can get back together after I change, but give it more time before we live together again.

I can empathize with your pain, but its not all you, or your fault. She isn't happy, but does that mean you should bear all the blame here guy, as she sounds needy herself.

For sure your problems go back to poor communications, and an unwillingness to work with you. That's the only way you can compromise, and work on getting solutions that benefit you both.

It's a very big red flag, that she needs to change you for her to be happy, that's a crock of crap, and shows her immaturity and willingness to blame you, and use that for an excuse to break up with you.

Leave her alone, and work through your own issues yourself, without her influence, as if she can't accept you for who you are, and work with you, she ain't the one for you my friend. Just be yourself, and deal with your feelings in a positive way, and heal from this misery, and rebuild your life without her in it.

You can't make someone happy, that's up to them, but you can be happy with yourself, and share it with someone that deserves it, and can return it to you.

She cannot.

I posted my response, after your other thread was merged so I can only add a few questions here.

Are you really pushy and why? What has changed here, that has changed you? Why haven't you talked and listened to each other?? What does she mean by your pushy?? Does this have anything to do with insecurity, or are you a workaholic? Does she work, or go to school?? You said you moved out?? Are you still paying the bills??

More info guy, and that doesn't mean start a new thread, but post on this one, to cut down on confusion.

Well when she goes out I have a tendency to call her many times to know what she's doing(yes I think some may have to do with insecurity)but the thing is I know she I a good girl and she wouldn't cheat,but I do worry about guys disrespecting her,yes she works but part time,she lost her full time and is trying to get full time at her new job,when it comes to listening ,she has told me she just wants me to have fun and be happy,but I get uptight about things,and yes I use to work more than I needed to but have recently cut my hours back in order to change that habit.well we have accounts together, and bills together so we both still pay.

You have a few issues that makes you act out of fear, and impulse you need to deal with. As you see its causing problems in your relationship. Need help? Get it.

Just last night she asked me to dinner,and we talked. She said that she loves me and wants to hang out,but does not want to be with me.she said she just wants to have a good time and not lable what we are and just let things be.I asked her what she thought about the future and if she see's any hope if I change ,she told me that she can't answer that because she doesent know what the future might hold.I asked her if she was trying to stay cool with me because we have so much stuff together.(and said she could have it all if that was the reason.but she said no,that she really wants to still do things together,not for the stuff but because she said we do have fun together. So now I have to just let go.should I keep hanging out with her or take everything and go,I fear that hanging out might give a false sense of hope,and I don't know if I can just sit back like that and watch he date people in the future. She says she is not interested in that now,but she will be in time.I no I have to move on,I just feel so lost.what can I do?I FEEL LIKE I can't STOP LOVEIGNG HER.

Chris my friend, this board is full of people in your situation, who are in the middle of a break up, and need time to heal.

The honest approach, since she has been honest with you, is tell her you need time to heal, and get beyond this, so you can deal with the intense feelings you have, and you will let her know when you have done so, then go NO Contact, and regroup, and rebuild your own life.

Hanging out, and still trying to be friends will only prolong the healing, and not only keep you hoping she changes her mind, but will leave you miserable, so make it a clean break, and get yourself back together.

Sorry for your loss.

Who cares what she wants? It ia about what you want and right now you need to move on. Being friends with her is not an option for you because you still have feelings for her. If you even try to be friends or as she said "hang up with her" your only be setting yourself up and it will interfere with your healing.

You might feel like you can't stop loving her but you will be able to get over her in time. You might always love her but not be in love with her, that's the difference. I still love some of my exes but I am not in love with them and no matter what happen betwwen us I cherish the time I spent with them(the good and bad) and I learned from what we shared.

Your healing process starts with you. Stop using negative words and replace it with positive ones. Get the "I can't" out of your vocabulary.

Your healing starts with leaving her alone and dealing with your feelings, without her influence.

YOU DON'T NEED A NEW THREAD FOR EVERY QUESTION YOU HAVE, THATS CONFUSING TO A READER. STAY WITH THIS ONE PLEASE.

I have posted questions about my relashionship before,and have been told ,not to start a new thread,but to continue on the current one.I'm not sure how to do that,so if someone could let me know that would be cool.

Go to your profile, and you can click on the "My Questions" opiton, which will display all of the questions you have asked (threads you have started). You can then select which thread you want and go from there...

Well I have given her space,and started to move on.but now something very crazy and unexpected has happened.we sall each other at a party,and atarted to talk.to make a long story short,we ended up hanging out the next day at her house.and after talking about the relashionship,got staarted talking about moving to Texas together.when I asked her about the things that has been going on between us, she said that she had talked to her family.she feels that by moving away to Texas were we have always wanted to go,and for us to be alone,that we can work things out.she want's to take the next few months to get ready and work on us.all she asked from me is that ,I let her the truth.(because I said I want to change not just for her but for myself ,and stop being so controlling and pushy).I let her know that I do want to stop pushing her and others that come into my life,but that it is something I must work on everyday ,and it will take time.so now we have plans to move out of state and try to start a new relashionship and leave the past behind. My question is ,what do you think,can this logicaly happen,or am I fooling myself and her.I have to say that I feel if I can stop being so controlling,that we might fix things,but I also feel that I might be being a fool.what do you think?

Moving to another state with no family or friends there is either the best thing you can do, or the worst.

You will be each other's ONLY support while you are there.

Sometimes that makes people incredibly close to each other.

Sometimes that drives them to HATE each other.

Given the history that I've just read on this thread---I wouldn't recommend it. If you can't make it work where you are, you probably can't make it work when you're both stressed and lonely because of new jobs, no jobs, new friends, no friends, whatever.

Your right, that's crazy and unexpected, and I doubt you gave it a lot of practical thought.

Moving doesn't change anything but location, not solve any problems. Matter of fact, you take them with you.

I think its far more beneficial to do your work on yourself before you even jump back into anything with her.

I think this is a lousy idea, and will bite you in the butt. Just like you need some changes, so does she, or are you the only one with issues here? I don't think so!

I think yor right ,I'll wait 6 months or so and see what happends.if she really cares then we might work things out in that time,but if not then we won't be goiong know where.at least together.I know she likes the idea,but in 6 months time if we work are differences out,and she still wants this,then I will feel better about it then.do you think 6 months is enough time.I guess you never know when and how fast or slow things can work out.and it will give me us time to save up if this is something that does happen. Thanks

Extensively edited for grammar spelling spacing and a load of other things to make it understandable. Can the moderator get a break sometime???

I moved back to my home town,and started dating other girls after being in a four year relationship. I hung out with girls from ages 20 to 24.(I'm 24)and did not find anything I liked. Then by chance I was introduced to this chick who I had an instant attraction to . Then I found out she was only 17 (legal age of consent in Michigan is 17).I decided to hang out, and found myself liking this girl more, and more. Now were in a dating process, but I told her I don't want to get intimate to soon. Since she wants to wait to tell her parents until she is 18. She is very mature for her age, and so far is what I would describe as the perfect chick for me. She likes me a lot but wants to keep things slow till later,which I like. Since she is a virgin, I want to hold off on the sex stuff till I know her, and I are in this for long term. My question is do you thing having sex with a virgin will lead to her messing around on me with other guys in the future. And what do you think of the situation as whole? Can this really work, or do you think it will only last a year, or so.

I don't think it will lead her to messing around on you just because she is a virgin now.
Although I do question what exactly it is that you find so appealing with a girl who is 7 years younger then you.

7 years is a huge age difference right now. You may be looking for more then what she is or vice versa. It sounds like a sticky situation, and I kind of get a yucky feeling I'm my stomach thinking about it. She is not an adult, and there-for in my opinion shouldn't be dating one.

It will not last in my opinion, since the age difference is so large at such young ages, you two are in total different places in your life. She hasn't even got to experience being legal age yet! So sooner or later the differences of the stages of your lifes are going to meet and crash, and relationship over.
My opinion on the matter

My question is do you thing having sex with a virgin will lead to her messing around on me with other guys in the future.
That would be up to her character and moral value more so her experience with guys.

And what do you think of the situation as whole?
I think your to old and going behind her parents back may have consequences when they do find out. That you have to sneak around to be together is another thing that may be trouble in the end. Also that your already wondering about having sex means a lot to your motives and feelings, and what if she wants to wait for marriage? Hmm, a true test.


Can this really work, or do you think it will only last a year, or so.

I suspect that she like so many others will at some point want to experience life and party like most young people do and if she goes to college and is free to do as she please, what will she need to be tied down by a b/f for?

Naw, your just strangers in lust now, and won't know anything until it wears off. Sooner, or later, no matter how you feel, or what she says, this girl will be a woman. And no telling how or when her feelings will change but chances are, they will.

I always love it, when the poster knows it is too young when they add ( mature for her age) which is merely an excuse to date someone you know is too young for you.

So what is your opinion about going to the senior prom, or hanging out at the high school football game and going out afterwards to high school parties?

I don't see that her virginity has anything at all to do with it really.

What's obvious is that she's not yet experienced life and that at her age she's likely to want to.

The other thing that's obvious is that you're making assumptions about your relationship with her, instead of taking it one step at a time.

Going for 'the long term' when she's 17 and you're 24 is hardly practical, I would suggest. There is still so much more life to live for both of you!

Rather that projecting your fears about the relationship and its future on to her, why don't you simply enjoy this person that you claim to have a connection with.

It might work, it might not. It might last a year, it might last 50 years. In the end it doesn't matter - now is the only time you have.

Who cares what the legal age of consent is? She's practically still a child. You can't really be sure if she's "mature for her age" because you barely know her. Not only that, but young girls almost ALWAYS like to put on a mature act if they want to nab an older guy, it makes them feel mature, even though they're not. And I can't give props to any guy that would actually fall for a guise like that.

Bottom line, she's not as mature as you think she is, and she'll be over you when you start having fights because of the difference in perception, that comes with difference in age.

You're going to start telling her how she should behave and what she should wear, and acting more like a parent to her then a boyfriend.

Lay off this chick, find someone your own age, and let her grow up at her own pace, with people on her own level.

Another thing that I want to throw out: if you do end up havign sex with this girl, what happens if/when you get her pregnant?

How will you feel when you realize that you're the one responsible for taking this girls childhood away by having a baby with her?

If you aren't ready to be a daddy, then she SURE AS HELL isn't ready to be a mom yet.

I thought you were going to wait a little bit longer to start dating anyway?


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/waiting-killing-me-303856.html

About a month ago you were madly in love with your girlfriend, not you are moving onto a 17 year old? You said your other g/f was concerned because she wanted you to relax and have fun and not work so much. How do you think a 17 year old is going to act. Let me tell you, she probably isn't ready to settel down. Or be idly waiting on the sode lines while you are out doing yout thing. When she does tun legal age, she's going to want to be with her friends not waiting and wonderig when you will be coming home!

When I was 16/17 I used to get A LOT of attention from the older guys in their 20's. I did look old for my age, and in a sense act a lot more mature than other girls my age. But I emphasise 'act'. Most were genuinly surprised when I told them how old I was and lay off. I respected that. They looked guilty when I told them!

One, was 25 and asked me out (I was 17). I actually liked the guy and it was cool to be lusted after by an older guy from my perspective. HOWEVER I didn't date him, and I actually felt gross about the situation! I thought 'what does this guy want with a 17 y/o?' 'what does he want from ME when I'm this young?' 'is he so immature that he can't connect with WOMEN his own age that he has to go for GILRS?' 'Does he just think I am easy sexually?' 'does he think that I am going to be easier to push around and control?'

I didn't date him. I ended up dating him when I turned 22. He was 31 and still just as immature... and like I guessed... he was MEGA CONTROLLING. He still went for girls my age (22) and YOUNGER!

His friends, also in their 30's also went for the younger ones, they didn't believe there were 'hot women' in their 30's. Now to me, basing a partner on their looks was immature. Basing a partner on their age was immature. I think these guys NEEDED 17 year olds because they were emotionally stunted. Drugs wouldn't have helped with that. As I guessed... they were all drug addicts.

Now, not saying you are any of these things but as a 17 year old this was my perspective. And still, I question WHY a 17 year old?


Also, I agree with the others that said she will want to go clubbing, go to university etc etc. I don't think she will necessarily want to sleep around to get more experience with others (as someone else said, that will depend on her character)

Thanks for your post, I like the you you put things into perspective for me.

I think your judging a little harsh, that's not how I'm am.

Thanks for the post,you have a good point

9 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of almost 5 years.we had had some problems in the past I talked about on here before.but we got back together and moved back home ,things were becoming strong between us.(but to get to the point).I broke up with her because she never would be motivated,would not take the raines for me.she was being lazy when I needed her to be strong.so I broke it off ,I htought I needed someone dofferent who would work with me to make a life.well for 6 months she was in pain did everything to try to get me back.but I would not take her.I was taking the time to rethink what I wanted and were I was going.I still was there for her if she needed though.I talked if she needed to talk ,picked her up if she needed a ride ( since she had no car),and we stii had sex .its not that I dident or don't love her.and I enjoyed being able to be a little distant but still have her in my life.then at the end of six months she broke down begging ,said she couldent be without me.(just want to take a sec to let you know we were planning marriage before I broke it off so emotions were high and she was herting bad).anyway I just kept being there only now and then when she was beside herself. I dated a little but nothing serious and tested the waters of other possibilitys.then she started to see my friend and I got jelouse.I still loved her and felt that I better try to talk to her and see if things could be good for us.but the damage was done,she was scared that I would leave her or did not really believe I wanted her .I told her she needs to do what she feels right,so sohe kept dating my friend.and he forbid he to talk to me .well two weeks past and I called her to talk and she said we had to keep it quiet .I told her many things about how I felt beginning to end ,and ask who she felt.she said she still loved me but coould not understand why the change of heart.to be honest I never new what I was like completely without her till now and my mind was flooded with memorise of the past.now almost three months have gone by and she is still with him.I and others close feel she is afraid to be alone again,and knows this guy is under her control because he has always been desperate and he takes care of her without her having to do anything.I feel she is afraid to risk me breaking her heart again.we were talking but have not for two weeks do to not having a cell anymore,he lets her use his ,you know whati mean.
She never will come get her stuff,(*and I have all of her personal stuff like old pics and boxes of christmas stuff.things I know she cares about.I can't help but think she looks at it as a way back to me if she wants. To the point I want her back,but I want her to be happy.so what do I do.slowly try to connect back and prove my love or what for her to come to me. All I know is that I was wrong and made the mistake.and now I'm afraid. I could have very well lost the most important person of my life and she could be hurting herself by settling for someone out of fear of being alone. All because of me.what can I do?

You could always take a few suggestions to end this thing once and for all and get back to healthy thinking and lose the high romantic, filled with false hope fantasy world you're living in now.

Amazing how you dated around and got jealous when she did the same. Simply amazing.

The problem is you have not let go and have become a slave to your own out of control, unrealistic feelings. Its like falling in a hole and think by digging deeper you will get out of it.

Your solution is the same now, as it was before, leave her alone, give her the stuff you have back, and disappear from her life by cutting all contact with her.

Until you show the proper respect for the healing process and commit to it, you will continue to chase the ghost of what was and not see the reality that the ghost is in your mind only, and will keep torturing you forever, as long as you allow it.

Haven't you dragged this saga of your life out long enough? She is doing her thing and you are NOT doing yours. She is settling? I don't think so, and as she moved beyond you, she will move beyond the new guy and you are so blinded to see, or accept that what you had has died and degraded into tolerance, by her of you, so she has not only the option of you two fools, but any one she wants because you are as compliant as he is in accepting the crumbs of her charms and attentions. Disgusting.

Wow... shoe's on the other foot and you want her back now, huh?

You BOTH need to be single.

And you BOTH need to say good bye to each other for at LEAST a year with no contact.

Are you 13, or what? Because that's the way you're both acting!

You relationship sounds dysfunctional to me. You didn't treat her well, you sounded as if you didn't even like her very much and now that she is with someone else, you think you want her back.
I think you both should leave each other alone.

From reading all your other threads I believe you are better off without each other.

By now you are realizing that any new thread you start about the same thing will be merged, no matter how many times you try. May I suggest update this thread instead of copy and pasting may yield you more feed back, as your question has been answered the same way every time.

Despite what you and your friends may think of her actions and the motives behind them, she is free to do as she please for whatever reasons she pleases, so how long are you going to be stuck on this one female who has taken her freedom and left you behind, rationalizing, and scheming on all kinds of ways to justify getting her back.

She may well be foolish, and chasing ghosts, or using the new guy, but that's between her and him, so why is her affairs still your business?

False hope is obvious on your part, and after 9 months surely the shock has worn off and your seeing how hopeless this game your playing is. She is doing her thing, and blowing air up your butt. To some extent, so are your friends, why, I have no idea, but a real friend would tell you straight up to get a life that doesn't include her, and enjoy it. And we all would agree on that.


Let go guy, as your holding on to a ghost of the past, and have to accept it.

It isn't going to happen so you should get over and stop asking how, why, where,when.

Everyone has basically told you the same thing and quite frankly I think you're waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear.

Not going to happen. You ask for advice and you are given our advice and opinions. Take it or leave it. Life does stink sometimes.but it's also what we make of our life.

This all stems from lack of communication.

Learn from this, so it doesn't happen next time.

But, now, she basically gave you the straight poop. ("she has told me she just wants me to have fun and be happy", "does not want to be with me", "she doesent know what the future might hold")

All soft breakup lines.

Doesn't want a relationship with you

I say don't hang out. Ever. Let her be free.

Did you get the message?

Its time for NC completely. Part ways.

Get over it. Move on! I have nothing left to say.

Thanks for being straight forward .your right,I always focus on the old good things and not on reality.I had my chance ,she wanted me and I walked away, and I should take what you said to heart and keep walking.

Thank you all for your answers,what you say is the truth,I guess I was looking for someone to humor me,thanks for not.its good to know everyone time I talk about this I get the same replys,it lets me know what I just can't see for myself.because I'm bl