Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and don't get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wife's cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

Keep doing the counseling, no one needs to be out parting without the other

keep doing the couseling, no one needs to be out parting without the other

Do you buy her story?

This doesn't sound like a one-night stand for certain, although it could be, but your sister seems to have confirmed some of her possible story.

What did happen is that she got wasted - and that's really not what a Mom of 4 children should have done. (Or Dad for that matter).

Well I wouldn't trust her either. Keep up the counseling but stay on your toes. However, smothering her can also drive her away but with her history, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Yeah continuing the counseling is the only thing you can do right now.

You need to rebuild the trust, which is VERY hard.. but it needs to be done

This is a tough situation. And she shouldn't be acting like this with 4 kids.. She needs to get to the root of the problem as to why she felt she needed to flee like that..

Yeah continuing the counseling is the only thing you can do right now.

You need to rebuild the trust, which is VERY hard.. but it needs to be done

This is a tough situation. And she shouldn't be acting like this with 4 kids.. She needs to get to the root of the problem as to why she felt she needed to flee like that..


Your telling me, rebuilding the trust is very hard. I know the wound is still fresh but its does not get any easier. The hardest part is feeling like I will never know the complete truth. I feel if I knew it than I could deal with it. Right now the not knowing is something I can't deal with right now. I just feel with all my heart that I don't know everything.

As for an up date, the night I posted this I confronted her again. I told her she could help me by explaining something's I did not understand. Long story short she tried to explain some others she couldn't. I to;d her I could not be in a marriage with someone I could not trust. She sobbed, begged me not to go and kept saying nothing happened. If she is lying she was willing to let me file for divorce rather than tell me the truth. Now that is keeping a secret. As I said we are in counseling, we had our next session the next day. We are working on rebuilding the trust now.

I still feel that I don't know the complete truth, and I am having a hard time with that.

If you love her, then that love will prevail no matter what. I understand what you are going though. When my first wife came out and told me she fooled around, I was devistated, however still gave her another chance.

However the twist is she rejected this second chance, and wanted nothing more to do with me. 7 years later, I can say that her walking out on me was for the better.

You may never know the true answer, unless she just comes out and admits it.

What would I do? Splitsville here I come!

May sound mean and heartless, but heartbreak was the worst feeling I have ever endoured. I never want to go through that again, which is why I have a zero tolerance to infidelity.

If you love her, then that love will prevail no matter what. I understand what you are going though. When my first wife came out and told me she fooled around, I was devistated, however still gave her another chance.

However the twist is she rejected this second chance, and wanted nothing more to do with me. 7 years later, I can say that her walking out on me was for the better.

You may never know the true answer, unless she just comes out and admits it.

What would I do? Splitsville here I come!

May sound mean and heartless, but heartbreak was the worst feeling I have ever endoured. I never want to go through that again, which is why I have a zero tolerance to infidelity.

I have thought about leaving, the biggest reason I am still hear is because of the kids. I do love my wife with all my heart and don't want to be apart from her.

But like you say I can't keep going through this heartbreak... NO WAY!!

I have thought about leaving, the biggest reason I am still hear is because of the kids. I do love my wife with all my heart and don't want to be apart from her.

But like you say I can't keep going through this heartbreak................NO WAY!!!!!!!!

And that does complicate the situation. Perhaps you should wait and see how the counseling helps. But if this crap is still going on, than I would at least consult with a lawyer, if for nothing more than to get some questions answered.

Around here the man isn't getting the shaft like they used to, and split custody is getting more common so both parents have equal levels of custody. In some cases the man actually wins full custody.

If the kids are older (in their teens) then they will understand more.

However my folks split when I was four years old, and I don't hold any ill memories or feelings to either one. I love them both, to this day one is always criticizing the other, but being a child of the divorce generation (80's) a lot of us kids knew how to deal with this.

And that does complicate the situation. Perhaps you should wait and see how the counseling helps. But if this crap is still going on, than I would at least consult with a lawyer, if for nothing more than to get some questions answered.

Around here the man isn't getting the shaft like they used to, and split custody is getting more common so both parents have equal levels of custody. In some cases the man actually wins full custody.

If the kids are older (in their teens) then they will understand more.

However my folks split when I was four years old, and I don't hold any ill memories or feelings to either one. I love them both, to this day one is always critisizing the other, but being a child of the divorce generation (80's) a lot of us kids knew how to deal with this.

YA, kids are not older. We have a 8, 5, 4, and 2. A lot of work for us both.

At this point I think the best chance I have at finding the truth is talking to the other guy. And I mean talking not beating the crap out of the little s@*t.

He is just so much younger than us I don't know if he will tell me the truth. I know what I was like at 22, I would have told a husband anything they wanted to hear if I was in his situation.

Part of the solution is your wife is going to have to quit this partying lifestyle. Not to be controlling, and of course, you will have to abide by the same set of rules. Out of a mutual respect for one another. If she can't control her self when she drinks then the drinking needs to stop.

There is no harm with having a beer once in a while, but when it gets to a point where it impairs your judgement to a point of infidelity, then it's gone far enough.

With 4 kids, neither of the parents need to be going around getting wasted anyway. You two are not in high school anymore, the time for staying out all night drinking and partying is over. She is going to have to come to terms with that.

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

My stepfather ran around on my mother once, when he was under the influence of alcohol. They are still together, but the incident cut to the bone. It took their marriage several years to get through it.

And of course, the man had to quit drinking and start living right. Otherwise the marriage wouldn't work. I was 13 years old when I witnessed this.

As a child, my perspective was, I saw the way my mother hurt when this news came to pass. It was an awful time in everyone's life. And as a child, I would have rather seen my mother separated and happy rather than married and miserable.

Unfortunately your children are not old enough to understant the depths of what is going it. It will be a taxing time for your family. But if she values the marriage and the family, then she won't mind quitting this lifestyle.

If she don't then you might try to hold on while the kids get a little older, but I wouldn't have anymore while this is going on.

Part of the solution is your wife is going to have to quit this partying lifestyle. Not to be controlling, and of course, you will have to abide by the same set of rules. Out of a mutual respect for one another. If she can't control her self when she drinks then the drinking needs to stop.

There is no harm with having a beer once in a while, but when it gets to a point where it impairs your judgement to a point of infidelity, then it's gone far enough.

With 4 kids, neither of the parents need to be going around getting wasted anyway. You two are not in high school anymore, the time for staying out all night drinking and partying is over. She is going to have to come to terms with that.

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

My stepfather ran around on my mother once, when he was under the influence of alcohol. They are still together, but the incident cut to the bone. It took their marraige several years to get through it.

And of course, the man had to quit drinking and start living right. Otherwise the marraige wouldn't work. I was 13 years old when I witnessed this.

As a child, my perspective was, I saw the way my mother hurt when this news came to pass. It was an awful time in everyones life. And as a child, I would have rather seen my mother seperated and happy rather than married and miserable.

Unfortunatly your children are not old enough to understant the depths of what is going it. It will be a taxing time for your family. But if she values the marraige and the family, then she won't mind quitting this lifestyle.

If she don't then you might try to hold on while the kids get a little older, but I wouldn't have anymore while this is going on.


Just to answer some of your questions, she is not a partying stay out all night person. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. Sure she has gone out to dinner and a have a "few" drinks with her friends before but she has always stayed in touch with me and always gotten home t a descent hour. We are a tight family. She always calls me when she gets off work, to let me know she is on her way home.

I don't go out and party as well. We really are homebodies. We love to have friends and family over and if we drink that is were we do it, at home. If we ever go to clubs its always with each other.

That's the thing. This is just so out of character for her. She told me this guy started flirting with her a few months ago. To me it looks like her started flirting, she was/is attracted to him, she was flattered, they planned it, and it happened.

That's just how it looks from my point of view. Could it all be innocent, could she just have gone out with group of people and ended up drinking too much. I guess but not likely. That's not just her.

She has offered to quit her job two times. To me that's not the issue. Its her judgment. Or lack there of. She could work at any job ans still make poor choices, with men, with drinking, with whatever the choice is.

Just to answer some of your questions, she is not a partying stay out all night person. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. Sure she has gone out to dinner and a have a "few" drinks with her friends before but she has always stayed in touch with me and always gotten home t a descent hour. We are a tight family. She always calls me when she gets off work, to let me know she is on her way home.

I don't go out and party as well. We really are homebodies. We love to have friends and family over and if we drink that is were we do it, at home. If we ever go to clubs its always with each other.

Thats the thing. This is just so out of character for her. She told me this guy started flirting with her a few months ago. To me it looks like her started flirting, she was/is attracted to him, she was flattered, they planed it, and it happened.

Thats just how it looks from my point of view. Could it all be innocent, could she just have gone out with group of people and ended up drinking to much. I guess but not likely. Thats not just her.

She has offered to quit her job two times. To me thats not the issue. Its her judgment. Or lack there of. She could work at any job ans still make poor choices, with men, with drinking, with whatever the choice is.


Well, in that case I'd say give the counciling a shot.

I apologize for insinuating she was a party animal. That was my perception from my point of view.

Maybe she did get a little flirty but didn't go all the way. Personally I don't have a problem with harmless flirting, but all relationships are different. Perhaps she is telling the truth. Sometimes you can tell if a person is hiding something by the way they conduct theirself.

Unfortunately, only you will be able to make that call.

After this last post, I feel this is something you two can work through. Doesn't sound as bad as what I had origionally thought.

Perhaps the man who approached the car was hitting on her, but it's also very possible that she rejected his advance. Men hit on women all the time. Some men specially target married women. Does't mean every woman is going to take him up on the offer.

Well, in that case I'd say give the counciling a shot.

I apologize for insinuating she was a party animal. That was my perception from my point of view.

Maybe she did get a little flirty but didn't go all the way. Personally I don't have a problem with harmless flirting, but all relationships are different. Perhaps she is telling the truth. Sometimes you can tell if a person is hiding something by the way they conduct theirself.

Unfortunatly, only you will be able to make that call.

After this last post, I feel this is somthing you two can work through. Doesn't sound as bad as what I had origionally thought.

No worries, I know it probably sounded like she went out all the time. Its had to get a real good understanding for what is going on just by reading these posts.

As for the man that approached the car well that was me. She was in the car with the other guy. She said that they all went back to her friend Jessica's house. And this guy was the only one sober enough to give her a ride back to her car.

My problem with that is there were also text back and forth between them that night like I said in my original post. She said it was her friend sending the text not her. There are so many little things that I could go into from that night, little lies, things that don't add up but I don't want to waste everyone's time. At this point I guess I have to trust her and try to recover, or keep digging and try to find out the truth.

Hard choice to make at this moment, don't know how I will handle it going forward.

Any suggestions?

Hummm...

Well this is tricky. And the fact is, the answer may never be reached. There is compelling evidence that something went on, yet nobody has actually witnessed anything, and the woman is denying it.

Based on the circumstances, you have to be the jury here.

First ask yourself, if she confessed that something did happen, would you stand by her and work it out?

If the answer is yes, or maybe, then you could bring this to her attention. If that's the case, then tell her that you just want to know the truth, even if it hurts, you'll stand by her.

If the answer is no, then it may be harder to obtain the truth, especially if she doesn't want to loose you, she will feel like if she tells you that something happened, that the marriage will be over.

Okay I just had to go back in review the whole thread again.

Based on the first post, if it weren't or the kids I'd say dump her. But 4 kids is a lot to drag through a divorce. You might give it some time and see how things go. Perhaps the truth will come out, perhaps this is just an isolated event and will never happen again. Maybe she'll be more careful about answering her phone from now on.

After 4 or 5 years if this crap is still happening, then by that time the kids are teenagers. Prepare yourself for childsupport and file for divorce.

I don't think anyone would criticize you for "jumping the gun" or jumping to conclusions if you waiting that long.

Just out of curiosity, what did Jessica say about all this?

It sounds like she is the star witness. Of course, I wouldn't expect her to rat her friend out, but like I said earlier, sometimes you can read people and see when they are hiding something.

Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and dont get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wifes cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.


Wow! I am so sorry to hear that! My personaly opinion and please don't take any offence to it but I really do believe that she was up to know good I know this is ahrd to hear but I believe that she is hideing things and doing them behind your back I think you and her should make a plane for her to call you at certain times and maybe I know you won't like this and think it is a great idea I would have someone watch what she is doing maybe a clse friend of yours and have that person tell you what she is doing

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

I would have been out the door the mintue I found this out but I don't have kids (yet).

If you love her. You have to give her one chance.

Hummm...

Well this is tricky. And the fact is, the answer may never be reached. There is compelling evidence that something went on, yet nobody has actualy witnessed anything, and the woman is denying it.

Based on the circumstances, you have to be the jury here.

First ask yourself, if she confessed that something did happen, would you stand by her and work it out?

If the answer is yes, or maybe, then you could bring this to her attention. If thats the case, then tell her that you just want to know the truth, even if it hurts, you'll stand by her.

If the answer is no, then it may be harder to obtain the truth, especially if she doesn't want to loose you, she will feel like if she tells you that something happened, that the marraige will be over.

Okay I just had to go back in review the whole thread again.

Based on the first post, if it weren't or the kids I'd say dump her. But 4 kids is a lot to drag through a divorce. You might give it some time and see how things go. Perhaps the truth will come out, perhaps this is just an isolated event and will never happen again. Maybe she'll be more careful about answering her phone from now on.

After 4 or 5 years if this crap is still happening, then by that time the kids are teenagers. Prepare yourself for childsupport and file for divorce.

I don't think anyone would critisize you for "jumping the gun" or jumping to conclusions if you waiting that long.


I have told her that even if something did happen I would not leave. I would want to stay and work it out. She says at this point it would just be easier to tell me something happened if it did. But she says she can't tell me she did something she did not do.

Just out of curiosity, what did Jessica say about all this?

It sounds like she is the star witness. Of course, I wouldn't expect her to rat her friend out, but like I said earlier, sometimes you can read people and see when they are hiding something.


Funny you ask, The night all this happened she kept telling me "call Jessica she we tell you I was with her all night, It was a group thing, we were all at her house after we left the bar"

Well I told her then that it would be stupid for me to call Jessica because I don't know her and I think she would cover for you. Well a few days later we were talking about it and I said okay lets call Jessica, we did and my wife asked her "what time did I leave your house" Jessica said "about 4:00am I think", then my wife asked who all was there and she named a few people and ended by saying I don't know I was pretty f@*! Up.

So I would not expect her friend to rat her out either, and I don't know Jessica at all. So can I believe what she said, I have no idea. It does verify her story a little, I just don't know if her friend is covering for her.

I would have been out the door the mintue I found this out but i don't have kids (yet).

Your right, and we didn't have kids. But it was still fresh, and I was confused.

Looking back, I'm glad she rejected my offer, she would have surely done it again.

Thank you to all that have posted a replied on my topic. It just feels good to talk about the situation and see others inputs. Andrew thanks for your multiple posts, although our situations are different I can see you have taken an interest in mine. That means a lot.

I Saw a comment that said "if you love her you will give her a chance". That is what I am doing. We will give counseling a shot and see what happens.

I know my wife does love me and wants to be with me. But that does not mean she has always made the best choices and that nothing happened. I guess if the truth is meant to be known it will show its self in time.

Thanks to all!!

I think that under the circumstances, it's best to at least give it some time. She needs to try to be more careful, for every action there is a reaction. Cause and effect.

There is nothing wrong with giving some one a second chance even if they outright cheated on you. But that's for each couple to decide on their own. Its hard to let go of someone you love and care about, I understand that, and having kids doesn't make it any easier to do so.

I think if this will be the last time this happens, then the two of you would be all right. But like I said earlier, if this crap keeps on happening time and time again, then... what can I say, at that point, it would be fair to say she wouldn't be trustworthy. But she will have as many chances as you are willing to give her.

It probably wouldn't be a good idea to be "letting other people use her phone to flirt with people". She should have known better than that, that's just asking for trouble.

That's like her finding a used condom in your car's backseat, and you come back... "oh honey, my buddy just dropped that out of his pocket"... no one would believe that.

You're welcome or the conversation..

Good luck to you!

I think that under the circumstances, it's best to at least give it some time. She needs to try to be more careful, for every action there is a reaction. Cause and effect.

There is nothing wrong with giving some one a second chance even if they outright cheated on you. But thats for each couple to decide on their own. Its hard to let go of someone you love and care about, I understand that, and having kids doesn't make it any easier to do so.

I think if this will be the last time this happens, then the two of you would be alright. But like I said earlier, if this crap keeps on happening time and time again, then... what can I say, at that point, it would be fair to say she wouldn't be trustworthy. But she will have as many chances as you are willing to give her.

It probably wouldn't be a good idea to be "letting other people use her phone to flirt with people". She should have known better than that, that's just asking for trouble.

That's like her finding a used condom in your car's backseat, and you come back... "oh honey, my buddy just dropped that out of his pocket".... no one would beleive that.


Andrew, you are right on with that statement. This is all the chances she gets. I understand the times before we were teenagers and all that that means. She was not ready for a serious relationship at that point in her life and I was not as well. I have to let that go. I mean at 17 or 18 how many of us were ready to settle down. Not I and she was not either. This is the first time in nine years of marriage that I have thought she has been unfaithful. She has a lot of demons from her childhood. That does not excuse her actions. She is a grown woman, she know right from wrong, she should know that ever thing she did that night was not okay. Like you say action reaction.

This is a hard time for us both. But this is the last chance. If she needs to blow off steam, get away from it all there is a right way and a wrong way to do so. No more stupid choices for a 30 year old married mother of four. She knows better. And that is the bottom line.

Threads merged

Okay I have to ask all the wives out there do you or have you ever looked your ex-boyfriends. Being more specific an ex that was your first love.

I have caught my wife looking up her first love/ex-boyfriend a couple times now. She has just said she was looking out of curiosity. She said she has no feelings for him, just stupid what if thoughts. I don't understand the what if feelings because she had a few chances with him and it ended up with him cheating on her.

So I guess I am insecure about it and don't understand why she feels like she would want to know where he was or what he is up to. We have been married for 9 years and I know she does not want to leave me. My fear is that it starts with looking him up then it could go to contacting him and then who knows where.

I just want to hear some opinions form some of the wives out there.

I'm not married but I tend to look up my ex bf's on FB. In particular my first love who I was engaged to.

It's kind of a sick fascination and a bit of a competitive thing for me. I like to know I'm doing better than him in life.

Nothing to be worried about though :)

I wouldn't worry about it. I am married and am very happy with my husband. I have gone on FB to look up all sorts of people including an ex. I was curious to see what he was up to. That's all I think your wife is doing. Just being curious.

Okay I have to ask all the wives out there do you or have you ever looked your ex-boyfriends. Being more specific an ex that was your first love..



Nope, I never, ever have, not out of idle curiosity, not for any other reason. It would have hurt my husband to find out I was "just checking" and I also don't care what my "ex's" are doing. If I did care, they wouldn't be "ex's."

We both look up people on "Classmates .com" but that's as far as it goes, and its just natural curiosity, but its not something we let get any further than idle curiosity. Don't be insecure over it, unless she is making actual contact.

I wonder if your insecurity starts here
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/think-wife-had-one-night-stand-long-story-303222.html

Threads merged

Okay I originally posted this back in January in the Marriage section. I now see I should have posted this here. The relationship section seems to get more traffic and better responses.

It has now been five months and I still feel like she had an affair that night. I am finding it very hard to deal with and can't stop thinking about it. We went through counseling and it helped in some ways. It help us with communication, understanding, and to rebuild trust. The rebuilding trust is a long slow road that we are still working on.

So I guess my question is how do I stop thinking about this night and move on with my and our life. I don't bring it up to her any more because that is not good for our relationship. So I live with this every day and I need to let it go. Any advise would be great.

So hears the story

Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and don't get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wife's cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

I know this was probably a 1 time thing, but she sounds very irresponsible. She has 4 kids and she's out drinking all night. Luckly there was a sober guy. Imagine she was driving home drunk? Whether she cheated on you or not, you're luckly the guy helped out.

The fact is that you lost trust in her and she's got to regain your trust. Try to talk it out with her, but if you don't see her putting in the effort to regain your trust then nothing can change. If you don't see any progress in her behavior or counselling, then maybe it's time to consider breaking up with her.

Without trust, you cannot continue a relationship, you will only feel pain and suffering.

Communication, honesty and counseling are definitely what you need.

I certainly don't blame you for being upset. Was this a one-time only event, or has she disappeared before?

All I can is, waking up in the middle of the night and she is not there and no phone call, that's just wrong. You were worried and had to wake up the kids to go find her.

Let's assume she did cheat on you. Will counseling help? Can you rebuild the trust? Are you willing to try? Only time can answer these questions.

If her story is true, it was still extremely inconsiderate and dangerous.

Did she give any reasons she wanted to stay out all night after work in the first place?

Either way, there will be work involved--on both your parts--to save your marriage, which is what I assume you want to do.

Understanding and forgiveness, honest communication, and some time alone, away from work and kids are my suggestions.

Do not give up on the counseling. If you are not satisfied with the amount of counseling, try to go more often or if it's the counselor, look for a new one, but you need one, for objective advice and to teach you to communicate the heart of the issues.

I read all of that, and I have to ask I really don't understand what your looking for? Are you looking for confimation that she cheated? Are you looking for ideas to get her to admit it? Are you looking for ways to gain her trust? Are you looking for ways to forget about what may have happened?

With all due respect, The first thing that jumped out at me was she wears the pants in this family. She is in complete control of this relationship and leads you instead you leading her.

That has to change... and after 9 years it will be really easy or really hard. But she gets away with anything and everything and you allow it. There are no limits and this goes back to before you were married.


We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

I hate to tell you this, but you realize that you were not your wife's first choice. She would keep you around in case the others never worked out... which they apparently did not. But you were always plan B. So even before the marriage she lost respect for you because you never stood up for yourself. You were never in control enough to put a stop this.



I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

How you word that caught my attention. You told her to hurry because you missed her, but that just gives her permission to take her time because again, she knows no matter what she does you'll always be right there waiting. To me you should have texted her back something like, "don't be later then 12:30" or "okay but make it quick." Your message to her reads like "do whatever you want, I'm just so head over heels in love that I'll wait right here for you like a good boy." and mine reads allows her to grab a bite with friends but also gives her direction.

Now this is one throw away line, but the point is I'm guessing you say things like this all the time, and women want a leader. They do not want, "I'm waiting for you and miss you and love you and can't wait to see you and I just want to hold you and when you get home you'll we'll be together and I just love you so much I can't stand it.


Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her.

Cheating or not, what the hell is wrong with this woman? She has four kids at home and has no care in the world for herself or them to not either check in or keep her cell phone on? She is so irresponsible that she allows this to happen? I'm not saying the mother of 4 shouldn't have a night to enjoy herself with friends, but I've never heard of a mother leave their children without a way to get in contact. What on earth is wrong with her? Forget about you, what kind of mother is this? Then as we learn later, they have to be subjected to driving up and seeing her drunk a$$ in a car with another man. Quite the holiday season for the four young ones. As you learned while dating, she thinks about herself an awful lot, but I'm pretty sure most mothers usually think about their children and she subjected all 4 of them to this night. That is 100% her fault, all she had to do was speak up and say where she was going or leave her phone on. What a complete disaster.


At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.


So you suspected something was going on since you included whoever she was with.

As a bonus, she was caught lying.


I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and don't get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away.

Wow that's something. She won't even look at you when you wake all the kids up and chase her down at 4 am in a strange car with a strange guy. This woman has no respect for you at all.


Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk.

I don't know, I've never been in this situation, but it seems odd that you show up to see your wife in another car with another guy and her first response is do just stay in the and your response is to do wait patiently outside until HE finally rolls down the window.

As I play this out in my head, I just think I'd be opening the door myself and if it was locked, demanding it be unlocked or taking action to get in. Now I know that's illegal to break into someone else's car, but I'm not stealing it... I'm trying to get my wife out. Maybe I wouldn't actually, I don't know, it just seems like you did what you always do, wait patiently no matter the situation because you'll always put up with it, and she knows it so she doesn't, even in this situation, so much as turn to acknowledge you.


Me and the guy have a few words,

For what reason?

Is this a joke? Your wife has treated you like second fiddle for over 9 years and you want to blame a guy in a car?

On this night alone, you caught her lying several times, she abandoned your children, she didn't respect you enough to tell you where she was at, and she doesn't even acknowledge you when you show up, and you start having words with HIM.

Have you ever had words with HER? I don't mean telling her to hurry cause you miss her, or going to a councelor to talk about your feelings. I mean flat out put her in her place and tell her what the rules of this relationship are and if she can't follow them, then you have and will demonstrate through your own actions that her treatment of you will not be tolerated? Demonstrate to her that you have one life and she is lucky enough to spend it with you, and not you waiting around for her? The problem as I have read is, she can do whatever she wants and you just put up with it.

All the love and understanding you give her and she doesn't give anything like that back to you. Can you honestly say this a fair relationship?



he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car.

You know I can't say. It looks bad, but at the same time I've given drunk married women a ride home before too. But if there husband would come out, I would unlock the door and explain I was givng a ride, which didn't happen here. I'd probably have to give the benefit of the doubt... since there is no real proof.


She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house.

I've got no children. But if I had four and I left the restaurant to go to my friend Jessica's house, I'd call my spouse or who ever was watching them to let them know that.


She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text.

What BS. You sent her several texts so they all would have popped up. Granted this is on my cell phone, but when it's on silient, a message is comes up telling me I have missed x number of calls. I don't know her phone, but she's probably got something like that too.


She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive.

So he was the only one sober but instead of taking her home, he took her back to her car... where she was going to apparently drive drunk and attempt to kill someone else. Great woman there. As someone who has witnessed a drunk driver cause an accident with serious injuries causing paralysis to a 14 year old boy, can you tell her to F-off for me. Unlike you I don't give a pass for attempted murder.

See this is what I'm talking about. You go to counceling I'd suggest putting her in her place. I shouldn't have to explain to a 16 year old that you don't drive drunk, but I sure as hell should never have to explain to a mother of 4 that you don't drive drunk. But, apparently this woman is so stupd, that you actually do have to explain it to her. That would be the first thing I would have done. If she didn't listen then she doesn't get to drive. If she doesn't listen, take her off the insurance. Why you want to take the fall time and again for this behavior is something I'd like you think long and hard about.

Why if she was so drunk wouldn't she just call you to come pick her up?


Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

Finally! I was mad when she wanted to cause death to other people. For you she got a pass on lying, getting the kids up at 4 am, not telling you where she was, not responding to you, but finally it took text messsages.

She just keeps pushing you around and around.


She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wifes cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So you have no proof.



So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.



I wouldn't trust her either. My question is why did you trust her to begin with? She always took advantage of you, and in times when she should take advantage of you, like calling for a ride when she's drunk she doesn't.

This still brings me back to my original question. What advice are you looking for? You can't just trust someone, so I don't know that we can offer you that, and she has to earn your trust which to be honest, she doesn't seem like she's really wanting to do. Maybe that's why this has taken so long. You probably want her to behave in a certain way, but your behavior has always taught her that she can do what she wants and you'll be there. Now, this is eating you up inside and you can't even tell her. So once again, she get's a free pass while you suffer. This isn't a fair relationship. She's not fair to you. You have expectations of her, and you can verbalize them, but until you start to back them up with actions and give her consquences for her actions this is the way it always be. She leads the relationship, and you have to lead it and it has to be with more then words it has to be with actions.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=4278159
Your so all over the place, I'm not sure what to tell you. But you had better let her know what is unacceptable behavior, and what is not.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=4278159

Your so all over the place, I'm not sure what to tell you. But you had better let her know what is unacceptable behavior, and what is not.

That's unbelievable. In one thread he's got a great sex life, in the other he hasn't got any for 9 years.

That's unbelievable. In one thread he's got a great sex life, in the other he hasn't got any for 9 years.


What's the deal Chuff did I do something to piss you off.

Not that I need to answer your smart remark but has it ever crossed your mind that it is possible for a couple not to have a lot of sex but the sex they do have is great. It can happen you know.

If you read my thread about the loss in her sex drive I state that we have sex about once a week.

Do you get your jollies looking for things to badger people that are looking for help.

Do me a favor if you are not going to be helpful then don't answer my questions please.

Whats the deal Chuff did I do something to piss you off.

Not that I need to answer your smart remark but has it ever crossed your mind that it is possible for a couple not to have a lot of sex but the sex they do have is great. It can happen you know.

If you read my thread about the loss in her sex drive I state that we have sex about once a week.

Do you get your jollies looking for things to badger people that are looking for help.

Do me a favor if you are not going to be helpful then don't answer my questions please.

So of all I wrote, this it what you respond to.

I wasnt' badgering you, that's what your wife does. I was attempting to explain to you that if you demonstrated some value for yourself, maybe your wife would look at you as more of the man of the household then the puppy who waits for her all the time. Before you answer that with some smark remark of your own why don't you ask if I'm right. You might be surprised by the answer. I bet she tells you something like she wants you to take charge or lead the household. Your role has been given to her by your actions. That's not an insult, but you wait and wait and do whatever she wants. I can't get into a 9 year marriage and know the ins and outs, but from what you write, she doesn't see much in you. I happen to think she can and should. You've given you love to her, it's her time to step up and give some back. It's not up to me to demonstrate it to her, it's up to you. Women want a man to lead them and that is what I'm suggesting you do. Not be an jerk about, but set some guidelines and hold her to them.

DSM521, Chuff did an excellent job of analyzing your post. The comment about what prior posts have revealed about your sex life is a continuation of that analysis, sort of. We can only go on what is written and our own conclusions which limits helpfulness at times.

Anyway, how do you get past this thought of infidelity? Quit thinking about it. If you want to go forward, quit looking back. Just stop.

What I see, being someone who has behaved in very similar ways, is a problem with alcohol. Her irresponsible behavior is tied intimately with booze. So, stop rethinking the event and address the cause.

Have she stayed out late like this before without answering yourphone call.I had a situation similar to yours.it don't take long or too muchof nothingto pick up the phone or text you... there is noway in the hell you woman phone should have been off while with another guy.and that is very inresponsible.and just because her friend uses her phone.tht might not have beenthe case that night.you need to get a understanding with her.to let you know where her where abouts is and vice versia..

I read all of that, and I have to ask I really don't understand what your looking for? Are you looking for confimation that she cheated? Are you looking for ideas to get her to admit it? Are you looking for ways to gain her trust? Are you looking for ways to forget about what may have happened?

With all due respect, The first thing that jumped out at me was she wears the pants in this family. She is in complete control of this relationship and leads you instead you leading her.

That has to change....and after 9 years it will be really easy or really hard. But she gets away with anything and everything and you allow it. There are no limits and this goes back to before you were married..

I understand how it may look for my post. But I am the leader of my household. I am the man of the house and she is fully aware of that. Now with that being said I am not the kind of man that rules with an iron fist. I don't yell or get out of my head angry. I am a very calm person.

I will agree that when we first started dating that I was exactly how you described me. She could get away with murder and I would come back for more.

Prior to us getting married we were apart for a few years. I was in a relationship during this time and I learned to stand up for myself and to be a man. So no it is not that way any more. She knows I will not put up with any BS, and if she tries to pull any there will be hell to pay.

But this was an isolated event. She was never done anything like this before in our marriage. It was so out of character for her. She is not much of a drinker or partier.




I hate to tell you this, but you realize that you were not your wife's first choice. She would keep you around in case the others never worked out....which they apparently did not. But you were always plan B. So even before the marriage she lost respect for you because you never stood up for yourself. You were never in control enough to put a stop this..

Was I my wife's first choice? I don't know and I am very certain that you don't either. So to make a statement like that is a little off putting. Listen I want to thank you for taking the time to break down my post the way you did. You put a lot of time and effort into it. But I don't see why you feel the need to make statements like this, and other that are just down rite rude.

The only thing I am sure of is at the age of 16, 17, and 18 she probably had no idea of what she wanted. She very clearly did not handle these situations the best way but I can give her a bit of a pass for that. She was just a kid. I hope my ex-girlfriends don't still hold a grudge toward me for the way I ended some of our relationships.

So does that mean I was not her first choice, or dose that mean she was young and needed time to experience life and make her own choice. She says I am the man she wanted to be with. And if I was not she would not be with me. In short she chose me. I find it hard to believe she was sitting around one day and she just got tired of dating and said to herself well what the hell. I guess I will just marry him. I have a lot of options but I will settle for someone that is my plan B.



How you word that caught my attention. You told her to hurry because you missed her, but that just gives her permission to take her time because again, she knows no matter what she does you'll always be right there waiting. To me you should have text her back something like, "don't be later then 12:30" or "okay but make it quick." Your message to her reads like "do whatever you want, I'm just so head over heels in love that I'll wait right here for you like a good boy." and mine reads allows her to grab a bite with friends but also gives her direction.

Now this is one throw away line, but the point is I'm guessing you say things like this all the time, and women want a leader. They do not want, "I'm waiting for you and miss you and love you and can't wait to see you and I just want to hold you and when you get home you'll we'll be together and I just love you so much I can't stand it.

Could I have worded that better sure. But I guess I did not feel the need to give her a curfew. It never crossed my mind that she would stay out all night. She never had before. I said I missed her because like I said she was working doubles I I was also very busy with my job at the time. We did not get a chance to see each other that much that week. I you I missed her.



Cheating or not, what the hell is wrong with this woman? She has four kids at home and has no care in the world for herself or them to not either check in or keep her cell phone on? She is so irresponsible that she allows this to happen? I'm not saying the mother of 4 shouldn't have a night to enjoy herself with friends, but I've never heard of a mother leave their children without a way to get in contact. What on earth is wrong with her? Forget about you, what kind of mother is this? Then as we learn later, they have to be subjected to driving up and seeing her drunk a$$ in a car with another man. Quite the holiday season for the four young ones. As you learned while dating, she thinks about herself an awful lot, but I'm pretty sure most mothers usually think about their children and she subjected all 4 of them to this night. That is 100% her fault, all she had to do was speak up and say where she was going or leave her phone on. What a complete disaster.

Can't disagree much with this statement. This is the issue. No excuse for this kind of stuff at all. Her actions were all you stated. And of course this was not a good piece of parenting. How ever I will say she is a fantastic mom. This night was an exception. That is way I am struggling with it so much. She always checks on the kids when she is away from them, always puts them way before herself. She is a great mother, if this were a pattern I would question her mothering skills. But it is not a pattern. She is a great mom.



So you suspected something was going on since you included whoever she was with.

As an added bonus, she was caught lying.

No I included "whoever you are with because" her or like I said whoever she was with male or female needed to let me know what was going on.




Wow that's something. She won't even look at you when you wake all the kids up and chase her down at 4 am in a strange car with a strange guy. This woman has no respect for you at all.

Yep, another good question. This still bothers me a lot. I have asked her about it and she says she did not realize it was me that walked up to the car. Sounds like a bunch of BS to me, and she knows I think it is. But she was drunk so I guess it is possible.

I don't believe it and she knows that.



I don't know, I've never been in this situation, but it seems odd that you show up to see your wife in another car with another guy and her first response is do just stay in the and your response is to do wait patiently outside until HE finally rolls down the window.

As I play this out in my head, I just think I'd be opening the door myself and if it was locked, demanding it be unlocked or taking action to get in. Now I know that's illegal to break into someone else's car, but I'm not stealing it....I'm trying to get my wife out. Maybe I wouldn't actually, I don't know, it just seems like you did what you always do, wait patiently no matter the situation because you'll always put up with it, and she knows it so she doesn't, even in this situation, so much as turn to acknowledge you.

Well I had to be on my best behavior because there were a couple cops just down the street watching what was going on. So I was not about to make a big scene.



For what reason?

Is this a joke? Your wife has treated you like second fiddle for over 9 years and you want to blame a guy in a car?

On this night alone, you caught her lying several times, she abandoned your children, she didn't respect you enough to tell you where she was at, and she doesn't even acknowledge you when you show up, and you start having words with HIM.

Have you ever had words with HER? I don't mean telling her to hurry up cause you miss her, or going to a councelor to talk about your feelings. I mean flat out put her in her place and tell her what the rules of this relationship are and if she can't follow them, then you have and will demonstrate through your own actions that her treatment of you will not be tolerated? Demonstrate to her that you have one life and she is lucky enough to spend it with you, and not you waiting around for her? The problem as I have read is, she can do whatever she wants and you just put up with it.

All the love and understanding you give her and she doesn't give anything like that back to you. Can you honestly say this a fair relationship?.

No this is not a joke. Of course I had a few words with him. And yes I had more than a few words for my wife as well. We got in my car and she heard what I had to say. I put her in her place. And we both understand what the rules of the relationship are.

You are mistaken. She cannot do what ever she wants and just get away with it. She understands very clearly that there are consequence's for her actions.

Yes I can honestly say this is a fair relationship.


You know I can't say. It looks bad, but at the same time I've given drunk married women a ride home before too. But if there husband would come out, I would unlock the door and explain I was giving a ride, which didn't happen here. I'd probably have to give the benefit of the doubt... since there is no real proof.




I've got no children. But if I had four and I left the restaurant to go to my friend Jessica's house, I'd call my spouse or who ever was watching them to let them know that.

Your right. This is my point as well. She never forgets to tell me what is going on. She has never lost contact with me in the past. This is the first time.


What BS. You sent her several texts so they all would have popped up. Granted this is on my cell phone, but when it's on silent, a message is comes up telling me I have missed x number of calls. I don't know her phone, but she's probably got something like that too.

Ya her phone is like yours. But her phone was giving her trouble and would just turn its self off. I know that to be true. I had been using it and had it happened to me.

However that does not mean she should loose track of time and forget to check in. Like I told her I don't believe that at some point in the night you did not think that it was getting a little late. Or why she did not tell me she was leaving the bar and going to Jessica's house.


So he was the only one sober but instead of taking her home, he took her back to her car.....where she was going to apparently drive drunk and attempt to kill someone else. Great woman there. As someone who has witnessed a drunk driver cause an accident with serious injuries causing paralysis to a 14 year old boy, can you tell her to F-off for me. Unlike you I don't give a pass for attempted murder.

See this is what I'm talking about. You go to counceling I'd suggest putting her in her place. I shouldn't have to explain to a 16 year old that you don't drive drunk, but I sure as hell should never have to explain to a mother of 4 that you don't drive drunk. But, apparently this woman is so stupd, that you actually do have to explain it to her. That would be the first thing I would have done. If she didn't listen then she doesn't get to drive. If she doesn't listen, take her off the insurance. Why you want to take the fall time and again for this behavior is something I'd like you think long and hard about.

Why if she was so drunk wouldn't she just call you to come pick her up?[/QUOTE]

We live about 40min, from her work. So that is why he gave her a ride to her car. She said he offered to diver her home. She said her plan was to call me and have me pick her up at her car. So my questions was why not have me pick you up at Jessica's and not you car. She said you know where I work, and you don't know where Jessica lives so I thought it would be easier to have you pick me up at my car.

Not sure if I believe all that or not. I hope that is the case. If not she does not get a free pass from me to drive drunk.


Finally! I was mad when she wanted to cause death to other people. For you she got a pass on lying, getting the kids up at 4 am, not telling you where she was, not responding to you, but finally it took text messages.

She just keeps pushing you around and around.



So you have no proof.

No she did not get a pass on everything else. We had it out, and I layied it all on the line to her. The text was just another piece of the puzzle. Once I read those We had it out again and she had more explaining to do. I had to put her in her place as you put it:D


I wouldn't trust her either. My question is why did you trust her to begin with? She always took advantage of you, and in times when she should take advantage of you, like calling for a ride when she's drunk she doesn't.


This still brings me back to my original question. What advice are you looking for? You can't just trust someone, so I don't know that we can offer you that, and she has to earn your trust which to be honest, she doesn't seem like she's really wanting to do. Maybe that's why this has taken so long. You probably want her to behave in a certain way, but your behavior has always taught her that she can do what she wants and you'll be there. Now, this is eating you up inside and you can't even tell her. So once again, she get's a free pass while you suffer. This isn't a fair relationship. She's not fair to you. You have expectations of her, and you can verbalize them, but until you start to back them up with actions and give her consquences for her actions this is the way it always be. She leads the relationship, and you have to lead it and it has to be with more then words it has to be with actions.

I was looking for advise on how to stop dwelling on it. I said that in my first paragraph.

Communication, honesty and counseling are definitely what you need.

I certainly don't blame you for being upset. Was this a one-time only event, or has she disappeared before?

All I can is, waking up in the middle of the night and she is not there and no phone call, that's just wrong. You were worried and had to wake up the kids to go find her.

Let's assume she did cheat on you. Will counseling help? Can you rebuild the trust? Are you willing to try? Only time can answer these questions.

If her story is true, it was still extremely inconsiderate and dangerous.

Did she give any reasons why she wanted to stay out all night after work in the first place?

Either way, there will be work involved--on both your parts--to save your marriage, which is what I assume you want to do.

Understanding and forgiveness, honest communication, and some time alone, away from work and kids are my suggestions.

Do not give up on the counseling. If you are not satisfied with the amount of counseling, try to go more often or if it's the counselor, look for a new one, but you need one, for objective advice and to teach you to communicate the heart of the issues.


Thanks Survivor for your thoughts.

Yes this was a one time event. She has never disappeared before. If she did cheat on me I would stay. If anything like this happens again I am gone. I can understand a mistake. But I will not condone a pattern of this behavior. I don't want our kids to grow up in that kind of environment.

She has worked VERY VERY hard to regain my trust. She was open to the counseling, and it was her idea.

The only reason she gave was that she had been working so many doubles in a row and she just wanted to go and blow off some steam. She said she did not intend to get that drunk and stay out that long. I just don't know if I believe that.

The reason I think it was a one night stand is because she had told me this guy had been flirting with her for a couple months. She had a break from work that day at about 3:00pm. They had sent a few text back and forth then. It was all about him getting his shift covered that night. She originally told me it was her friend that has a crush on him that was textng him. I had my sister find out that her friend was not at work at that time so I knew she was lying to me. She said she lied because she knew I would not believe that the text were innocent. I told her that if she would not lie then I would believe her.

I told her I don't understand why he would ask you to cover his shift because he knows she works on Friday nights (they have worked Friday nights together for months). She said they were trying to do some kind of double switch.

After reading all the text I found out he was a closer and got off later than she and her friends did. That night he sent text to her phone asking if she would wait for him to get off. She of course says that was her friend and him talking and not her.

So to me it looks like he had been flirting for a while, she was flattered and wanted him, he tried to get his shift covered but could not. She went out with friends tell he got off, then went to his house. I don't know for sure but she lied about to many things for me to think it is all innocent.

DSM521, Chuff did an excellent job of analyzing your post. The comment about what prior posts have revealed about your sex life is a continuation of that analysis, sort of. We can only go on what is written and our own conclusions which limits helpfulness at times.

Anyway, how do you get past this thought of infidelity? Quit thinking about it. If you want to go forward, quit looking back. Just stop.

What I see, being someone who has behaved in very similar ways, is a problem with alcohol. Her irresponsible behavior is tied intimately with booze. So, stop rethinking the event and address the cause.


Simoneaugie, I agree Chuff did a great job breaking down my post. I thanked him for the time and effort he put into doing so. He did not have to do that and I am grateful he did.

The only thing I took exception to was the way he worded some of his responses. To me they were more like assumptions rather than fact.

I really did not see the need to bring up the post about my sex life. If he felt a need to question me he could simply just ask.

Perhaps I am a bit to sensitive, but his second post did nothing to answer my question.

I don't think there is a good clear-cut answer to how to stop dwelling on it.

Fact is you don't know what happened that night because it was bazaar and so are all the excuses.

If you can't drop it, bring it up again in counseling. Be honest that you can't get past the feeling that you've been lied to about that night and that you need help in doing that.

If you want to drop it and never mention it again, then you'll have to live with not knowing and being distrustful of your wife.

By the way, it's good you didn't lose your cool at the car that night, though, and not just because cops were watching--Your Kids Were Watching.

I know you didn't ask opinions, but I have one: I don't believe she was going to call you when she got to the car. Why not call you from the friend's house and tell you to meet her at the car? What was she going to do? Wait that whole time alone in her car, drunk, until you got there? I think she was going to drive home, and then you would have never known there was "that guy" there. Also, these are modern times. If her phone wasn't working properly, I'm sure she had access to someone else's phone. She got carried away with friends, got drunk and basically didn't stop to think about you at all.

It's going to take time and work to get over this.

I know you didn't ask opinions, but I have one: I don't believe she was going to call you when she got to the car. Why not call you from the friend's house and tell you to meet her at the car? What was she going to do? Wait that whole time alone in her car, drunk, until you got there? I think she was going to drive home, and then you would have never known there was "that guy" there. Also, these are modern times. If her phone wasn't working properly, I'm sure she had access to someone else's phone. She got carried away with friends, got drunk and basically didn't stop to think about you at all.

It's going to take time and work to get over this.


I don't mind opinions at all. After all that is what I am doing is asking people for their opinions in an answer form. Its just the way people state their opinion. Yours was well thought out, you did not call anyone names, well in short it was classy.

I think she would have drove home that night as well. She told me she did not call me from her friends house because I had never been there and she thought it would be easier for me just to meet her at her work were she left her car.

She told me when she left the bar her friend Jessica gave her a ride to her house. When I got to her work her car was right in front.

Your right, if her phone was not working she could have used someone else's or used a land line. These are all things I have told her. I told her there was no excuse for her not contacting me. I told her a light should have went off in her mind when she left the bar going to Jessica's house to call me and let me know what she was doing. She said she just was not thinking. Can't say I buy it.

Thanks again for your advise.

Whats the deal Chuff did I do something to piss you off.

Not that I need to answer your smart remark but has it ever crossed your mind that it is possible for a couple not to have a lot of sex but the sex they do have is great. It can happen you know.

If you read my thread about the loss in her sex drive I state that we have sex about once a week.

Do you get your jollies looking for things to badger people that are looking for help.

Do me a favor if you are not going to be helpful then don't answer my questions please.

What are you talking about? This man gave you the benefit of his OBJECTIVE intelligence and after all he wrote and said you pick out one silly little statement that affects your ego.
C'mon ,concentrate on what's important and read the entire post.

I tend to agree with Chuff an he did a great job on breaking things down. After all he is the Chuffmaster.

The only thing I can add even you forgive or you don't. I know first hand forgiving isn't easy and is positive these thoughts were express through counseling but it is up to you.

First, let me say I'm glad you read what I wrote and responded to it. I think as you do, and responded hopefully some of the anger died down and you saw some of my points. Believe me, I may be blunt, but I have only the best of intentions in mind. I wouldn't be wasting anybodies time here if I didn't.


I understand how it may look for my post. But I am the leader of my household. I am the man of the house and she is fully aware of that. Now with that being said I am not the kind of man that rules with an iron fist. I don't yell or get out of my head angry. I am a very calm person.

... and you should be. I agree with you to be calm and not be a jerk about things. Guys like that force their "love" on to women and then it becomes a false love. It's just love because she's afraid of him. That is why I was suggesting you demonstrate value through actions. Women, being emotional tend to watch how a guy behaves and try to test him. Like I said somewhere I can't judge a 9 year marriage on day to day things, I'm just following what you wrote, and what you wrote showed a pattern of behavior where she constantly made you number 2. It always appears you are going to her, you are waiting on her, etc. I'm suggesting you flip that around or at the very least don't hold on to her every word and follow her or wait for her like a puppy would. That's not an insult, just a demonstration of something we can both relate to.


I will agree that when we first started dating that I was exactly how you described me. She could get away with murder and I would come back for more.

I'm a recovering nice guy myself, I know you find that hard to believe.


Prior to us getting married we were apart for a few years. I was in a relationship during this time and I learned to stand up for myself and to be a man. So no it is not that way any more. She knows I will not put up with any BS, and if she tries to pull any there will be hell to pay.

Either you didn't say you were apart for a few years or I missed that. I'm not sure if I mean give her hell to pay, I just mean don't tolerate it. I mean that women judge men by actions, where as we just tend to judge them by words. Obviously we judge by actions as well, but women are better at it, and put value in the action where we put value in the words, and less in the action.

My ultimate point was, you don't have to get mad about this stuff, in fact I don't see why you should lose your temper at because of her actions. I just think you should explain a certain household rule, such as "don't drive drunk. If you do, I'm not paying putting my name on your insurance, you'll have to get your own." Now I realize it was one time, but I'm just using what you have written about. You don't need to get upset. You just tell her the deal, and she can make the choice. If she doesn't follow a common sense, non over-bearing, fair rule of the house you calmly and without anger do something about it. You lead, you don't get mad, and she knows you are in charge of your emotions and can control a situation. You can change out the situation, but how you deal with it is what has to remain constant.


But this was an isolated event. She was never done anything like this before in our marriage. It was so out of character for her. She is not much of a drinker or partier.

You know, I can't fault a wife and mother of four who works doubles for needing a break or an escape from the home. I just don't like the way she went about it... which I take it you agree with. But I guess this goes right back to the trust issue that you asked about. If you are saying this was an isolated event, you have no real proof of anything actually happening, I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt.


Was I my wifes first choice? I don't know and I am very certain that you don't either.

You got me there. I realize how that reads, but my point was that she felt like she could always use you as plan B because you would come back for more no matter what she did.

To be honest, you could also turn that around and say you won because in the end you got the prize. Dude, your in a 9 year marriage, what happened 9 years ago doesn't matter, other then to demonstrate a behavior trait that jumped out at me.


So to make a statement like that is a little off putting. Listen I want to thank you for taking the time to break down my post the way you did. You put a lot of time and effort into it. But I don't see why you feel the need to make statements like this, and other that are just down rite rude.

Well I'll tell you why. If I said the usual stuff you expect to hear like, "just talk to her and it will get better" or "have a romantic dinner and tell her how you much you love her" that doesn't address the problem and it's not a solution. It's a BS answer for a real problem by people who have never studied how relationships work. I assume you didn't come here for BS and I assume you want something different then what your marriage counselor is telling you. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm trying to be honest. In my opinion, I’m doing you and for that matter your wife a disservice if I give you the traditional throw away garbage lines that you expect to hear.


The only thing I am sure of is at the age of 16, 17, and 18 she probably had no idea of what she wanted.

I’ll agree with you there too.


She very clearly did not handle these situations the best way but I can give her a bit of a pass for that. She was just a kid. I hope my ex-girlfriends don't still hold a grudge toward me for the way I ended some of our relationships.

I’m not suggesting you hold a grudge. I’m just suggesting you see a behavior pattern that I picked up on.


So does that mean I was not her first choice, or dose that mean she was young and needed time to experience life and make her own choice. She says I am the man she wanted to be with. And if I was not she would not be with me. In short she chose me. I find it hard to believe she was sitting around one day and she just got tired of dating and said to herself well what the hell. I guess I will just marry him. I have a lot of options but I will settle for someone that is my plan B.

Okay dude, I’m going to give you a very rare apology. I am sorry for the way I worded that, and my goal was not to put you in distress but point out what I saw as a unfair treatment of someone who cared too much for her and not enough for himself. My point, was that she kept dumping you and you kept waiting for her to come back, so to her you were a plan B. I’d be lying to you if I said I was never a plan B because I have been. It’s not an insult it’s a reality (talking about myself) so I sure don’t look down on you for it.

From a psychological point of view that demonstrated she was in charge of the relationship, even when there was no relationship. Fast forward to today and from what you wrote that psychological issue seems to be current. I said in my original post it would be either really hard or really easy to change. What I meant by that is, you have to start being aware of how you are acting around her in the sense that if she calls you, respond in a calm, positive, but assertive manner. You have to demonstrate you are in charge of this relationship, because women like leaders who take charge.


Could I have worded that better sure. But I guess I did not feel the need to give her a curfew. It never crossed my mind that she would stay out all night. She never had before. I said I missed her because like I said she was working doubles I I was also very busy with my job at the time. We did not get a chance to see each other that much that week. I ya I missed her.

In my original message I recognized it was a throw away line. One throw away line doesn’t mean anything, but again the point was not what you said, but how you could have said it by demonstrating in a calm manner that you were in control. I didn’t say to tell her “get your butt home now.” That’s love by force, which is not love at all.

One throw away line doesn’t mean anything, but the culmination of lines like that is something women pick up on, and it’s something you have the ability to correct without getting upset if you just pay attention to how you say things to her.



Can't disagree much with this statement. This is the issue. No excuse for this kind of stuff at all. Her actions were all you stated. And of course this was not a good piece of parenting. How ever I will say she is a fantastic mom. This night was an exception. That is way I am struggling with it so much. She always checks on the kids when she is away from them, always puts them way before herself. She is a great mother, if this were a pattern I would question her mothering skills. But it is not a pattern. She is a great mom.

I’ll have to go back and reread what I wrote but I don’t think I ever said anything negative about her being a mother. I think I said the situation was a disaster, especially for the kids.



Yep, another good question. This still bothers me a lot. I have asked her about it and she says she did not realize it was me that walked up to the car. Sounds like a bunch of BS to me, and she knows I think it is. But she was drunk so I guess it is possible.

I don't believe it and she knows that.

I don’t believe her either. Even if she didn’t the driver would have known and said something. But if your in a car at 4 am in a parking lot, drunk or not, and someone comes up to the door you are going to look.



Well I had to be on my best behavior because there were a couple cops just down the street watching what was going on. So I was not about to make a big scene.

I understand, as I answer questions like this I try to put myself in the environment, and I think if you reread what I wrote I even went back and forth in my own mind as to what I’d do.


No this is not a joke. Of course I had a few words with him. And yes I had more than a few words for my wife as well. We got in my car and and she heard what I had to say. I put her in her place. And we both understand what the rules of the relationship are.

DSM, read your OP. I think if your fair, you’ll see that it reads like you were blaming him while giving her a pass. I wasn’t there, I was just going off what you wrote. From what we know, we have to assume he was just giving her a ride and given the fact she wouldn’t acknowledge you, I think it’s fair for me to ask why he was being blamed when it appeared for the OP she got a pass on her behavior.



You are mistaken. She cannot do what ever she wants and just get away with it. She understands very clearly that there are consequence's for her actions.

Yes I can honestly say this is a fair relationship.

When I asked that, I meant do you believe this relationship is fair to you?


Your right. This is my point as well. She never forgets to tell me what is going on. She has never lost contact with me in the past. This is the first time.
Then you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. You have to say to yourself, I’ve got 9 years invested with this woman and she made a bunch of stupid decisions in a matter of hours, but I can’t let that distract me from the previous 9 years.



Ya her phone is like yours. But her phone was giving her trouble and would just turn its self off. I know that to be true. I had been using it and had it happened to me.

However that does not mean she should loose track of time and forget to check in. Like I told her I don't believe that at some point in the night you did not think that it was getting a little late. Or why she did not tell me she was leaving the bar and going to Jessica's house.

Exactly.


We live about 40min, from her work. So that is why he gave her a ride to her car. She said he offered to diver her home. She said her plan was to call me and have me pick her up at her car. So my questions was why not have me pick you up at Jessica's and not you car. She said you know where I work, and you don't know where Jessica lives so I thought it would be easier to have you pick me up at my car.

Not sure if I believe all that or not. I hope that is the case. If not she does not get a free pass from me to drive drunk.

Nor should she. Your children have too much to lose. What I don’t get though, is this is the thing she should be using you for, and she didn’t.


No she did not get a pass on everything else. We had it out, and I layied it all on the line to her. The text was just another piece of the puzzle. Once I read those We had it out again and she had more explaining to do. I had to put her in her place as you put it:D

I’m glad to hear it. Again, I think if your fair and you read the OP as I read it, it comes off like she can do whatever she wants and get away with. So I’m happy you didn’t let her.


I was looking for advise on how to stop dwelling on it. I said that in my first paragraph.

I have an idea that’s a little strange. Have you ever asked the guy? I don’t know if he’d give you an honest answer or not, and whatever he said it might be hard to believe. But it might help give you some closure.

As to stop dwelling on the night, every time it comes into your mind try to distract yourself by either getting up and moving, or taking a deep breathe. If it starts to overtake your mind, tell yourself, “I can’t control the past, just this moment and at this time I’m only accepting positive thoughts.” Give yourself permission to be upset, but do it for 20 minutes at one time. When you start to get mad, tell yourself this can wait until the evening between 7 and 7:20. That way it recognizes the anger but also holds it off until a later. This situation combined with 4 kids has to be stressful, if you can work time into your day I strongly recommend exercising. When I’m stressed about something I get on an elliptical machine and just push myself as a hard as I can. Not only do I forget about my problems I feel better afterwards.

I really did not see the need to bring up the post about my sex life. if he felt a need to question me he could simply just ask.

Perhaps I am a bit to sensitive, but his second post did nothing to answer my question.

I was not bringing up your sex life. I was bringing up that you were all over the place in your answers, which was noted before I posted that. I understand your anger, but I'm not the bad guy here. Nothing wrong with being sensitive, but at the same time you are using me as an easy target because I'm blunt, for anger you've been holding in for 5 months.

She knows I will not put up with any BS, and if she tries to pull any there will be hell to pay.



Yeah right, is she still living in the house or at her Mother's?

Hey Chuff no hard feelings hear. And once again thanks for taking the time to go so in depth in my situation. I guess we just have different styles of how we answer questions. Not that one is right or wrong just different.

To answer some of your questions no I have never talked to the guy. I have thought about it but I just don't know how that would turn out. I don't have his number and it might be a little creepy for me to wait for him to show up to work and talk to him before he goes in. He is really young and I don't know if I could believe anything he tells me. I know if when I was 23 or 24 and in his situation I probably tell the guy any thing I could to keep myself out of trouble.

Sense this is a one time incident I really think it would be a bad idea for me to keep dragging it on, and talking to him I feel would be dragging it on. But not a bad idea, and I had thought about it myself.


And yes I can completely understand were you could get the idea from reading my post that I let her walk on me. You know it is hard sitting down to wright something like that. You wonder what you should put in what you should leave out. What things you think that people might just pick up on. I tried just to focus on her actions and as little as possible on mine. Not that I'm ashamed of how I acted but just because I did not want the post to go on for to long. But no I am not a door mat, I am the leader of my household in every meaning of the term. Not to be macho but just to answer your question. She knows what is acceptable and what is not. How a married woman of four children should act, and how I expect to act. She is 30 and is a very responsible person. She stays at home with the kids when I am at work. Goes to school on line, and works as a waitress in the evenings when I get home from work.

The hardest thing is just thinking your wife had a affair and can't even tell you the truth about it. It is a tough situation. But like she says she can't admit to something that never happened. I just feel like I caught her in so many lies, that its hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. I feel like I did everything but catch her in his bed.

As far as being all over the place with my posts. I did not really see it that way. But I guess that is because I was the one asking the questions. You know I think a lot of my problem is her loss of sex drive. It happened after the birth of our first child. Being young it took us some time to come together and finally get the issue out on the table. But after so many years of her having almost no drive it really plays games with your head. She has had some other medical issues she has to get taken care of before she can get the sex drive thing taken care of. But its just a hard thing to deal with. Then when something like this happens you start to feel like you were betrayed, like your wife is attracted to everyone but you. Its really hard to describe. But the sex we have is usually great.

I can see how it looks with my posts. But how many people look at the entire body of posts. I just ask questions that are effecting my life at the time. I don't think how the subject and timing will cause a issue. I know it all ties in to one big subject 'my life" but not every post is connected.

Any how, I am sorry if I offended you or one of you many fans its clear you have:) But I guess its just a little bit of that big dog coming through you did not know was there. I am truly grateful you have given me and my subject so much time.

It's been interesting to read the dialogue between DSM and Chuff. I think that it does highlight the assumptions that we as the readers can make about questions asked, and the conclusions that we draw when we only have a snapshot of the situation.
(I know I've done the same thing in a previous post!)

Having said that, what strikes me DMS, is that there are a couple of underlying issues in this dilemma that you're facing.

TRUST - I think that until you know for a fact otherwise, you should trust what your wife has told you. Yes, she behaved madly, and on the surface it looks bad. But, none of us are perfect. If you genuinely want to continue with your marriage, then maybe you should see her behaviour as a momentary moment of madness. Hell, she's had 4 kids, she works, she probably never has a 'blow out'. You could try giving her the benefit of the doubt and you may eventually hear what really happened.

SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP - Clearly this is an issue for you, and is part of the cause of your insecurity regarding this issue. Again, she's had 4 kids, she works - I bet she's bone tired most of the time being a wife and mother. It may be that she doesn't feel attractive and desirable. Perhaps this young man flirted with her and she felt different for a few hours.
Perhaps you could do the same - ask someone to look after the kids and go away for a weekend. Make sure that you spend time together during the week - without the kids, or when they are in bed. Try to be loving and affectionate without expectation of any return. Help around the house. (I'm sure you already know all of this.) The thing is, to do it. Make her your priority and don't worry (too much) about the sex.

NOT THINKING - When you find yourself thinking, or obsessing about what has happened - Did she? Didn't she? Can I trust her? - say to yourself, 'Stop! This thought does not serve me!' Be conscious of what your thought are and interrupt them. You already know you don't want to think these thought, they only disturb and distress you - so tell yourself to stop! each time your mind starts up again.

COUNSELLING - Continue with this, and if you can, speak to your counsellor alone about your feelings and concerns.

None of this is easy, but what you want to do is put your mind at ease. Don't give up hope. I hope this is a start.