Well, this is going to be a long post... BUT READ ON, trust me.. Im going to explain everything...

Im an 18yo guy and had a relationship with my ex girlfriend (she was my first girlfriend) for 9 months until she left me.. this is what happened...
Well, my ex had previously been devastated when she split with her 1st boyfriend (he was an a**hole, was controlling, didn’t want to commit etc)... and at the time, I was just her friend... and really helped her, made her see the light and carried her through the pain, even at times when she was considering hurting herself... Well, after around 5 months of them splitting up, I started to develop really strong feelings for her. We got really close in those 5 months, almost like best friends, we would talk about absolutely anything and realised that we had almost EVERYTHING in common, it was quite surreal.
Anyway, it was 6 months after she split with her 1st boyfriend that we both hooked up... we decided to become a couple. It has NOW become apparent to me that, when we got together I filled in the empty hole in her heart left by her 1st boyfriend, she was not COMPELTELY 100% over him. I could tell in the early stages of the relationship.. but I guess I was just in denial and didn't want to admit it (somewhere down the line, the small feelings for him did die out).

During our time together, things seemed great. At the risk of sounding big-headed.. I was a really good boyfriend to her (we never argued, I was never controlling etc), treated her like a real princess, TRULY loved her, brought her into my home and allowed her to meet my parents etc.. other girls were envious of her because I was apparently the best looking guy in school according to them (BS I reckon lol).. and I knew how to treat a girl. My ex would always tell me she had plans to be with me, she could see herself with me for AGES, she said she would never leave me - that we were a permanent fixture, and that she loves me so much. Basically, she was very affectionate with me at the time.

Things changed when she started university (Ive taken a gap year, so she went to university without me). During the first 2 weeks of her starting university, things were fine.. we did a lot of couply stuff, I visited her at university and met her friends, we even spent our first intimate night together, we were just a normal loved-up couple.. things were cool (so I thought).

Well, on the 3rd week of university... on the night of our 9 month anniversary she dropped a bombshell and sent my head into a complete spin! She told me she wanted to talk (we would talk on the phone every night, but this night was different).. she expressed to me that for the past 2 days she had been feeling as if she wanted her space, that she just wanted to do her own thing, she said some things at university are just easier to do and enjoy when you are single, she said a part of her wanted to be single and the other part wanted to be with me - her whole outlook on relationships had changed, the same girl that only a week ago had been SO INTO having a long term relationship with me was having doubts and seemed as if she just didn't want to be with me (the good thing is, she told me straight away that she had been feeling this way for 2 days). Well, we both decided to just see how things go for the next few weeks just in case it's a phase my ex is in. After that phone conversation, I was devastated and in shock.

The next 2 weeks were very painful!. We would hardly talk on the phone, I really tried to give her as much space as possible and make her own decisions.. but I still let her knew I loved her and wanted to make this work, I never went to see her, she stopped all affection with me, she started hanging out with another guy (going to lunch with him, always talking to him on the phone etc - I trusted her so I didn't say anything)... Things were just really awful!.

Then, 2 weeks after that phone conversation... she had finally thought about it and made her decision, we spoke on the phone and she broke up with me!. she told me that she felt uncomfortable in a relationship, that she wanted to be single, that she wanted to do her own thing and be herself. She said that suddenly she saw me as more of a friend and that she thought she would be happier leaving me and being single.. I respected her decision and really tried to even support her even though she had left me, I told her just to do whatever makes her truly happy. I found out from a mutual friend that a few weeks after breaking up with me, my ex said she started liking and was interested in this other guy (the one she had been hanging out with).. it hurt to know that she had been able to move on so quickly... my ex hasn't told me about this new guy, and she begged our mutual friend not to tell me, but I now know...
Obviously, for the first month of the break up.. I made the same mistakes EVERYONE does... I was in an emotional and psychological mess... I kept texting her at night saying 'goodnight.. I miss you' and was getting no reply, kept trying to talk to her, kept hope alive, and kept asking her to meet me so we could talk about things (wow... real CRINGE moments).. but she would just be cold and blew me off. After analysing the whole situation, I came to my senses...

During the second month of the break up I sent her a very short, brief email telling her I’ve had time to think and I agree the break up is good, we both wanted different things and we should now move on with our separate lives.. I then wished her good luck with everything she does. Ever since then I have been on NC (it has been 1 month and 3 days of no contact so far... apart from one 'merry christmas' message and That's IT.).. She tried to call and text me numerous times after seeing that email, but I didn't answer... she has given up trying now. Well this is where I am... still on NC...

I have realised SO many things after the first month of the break up, I actually sat down and looked at things from the outside looking in with an objective mind... this is what I discovered.
Well, it was obvious that right from the start of the relationship she still had a few feelings for her 1st boyfriend.. she hadn't completely healed from that, so it was already a bad start!. Also, I realised that I will probably NEVER EVER actually find out why she left me (it could be because the liked this other guy, it could be because she wanted to be single at university, it could be because she felt having a full university experience was more important than maintaining a relationship with me.. it could be anything) and there is no point in me wasting my time and always thinking 'WHY DID SHE LEAVE.. ' because I will never know the true reason.
BUT what I DO KNOW and what I CAN take from this is... SHE NEVER TRULY LOVED ME, I truly loved her but she didn't love me the same... IF she had truly loved me and meant all the things she used to say to me - she would have never left me... she would have never said she felt happier and more comfortable being single. If it were true love - she would have been happiest being my girlfriend, and wouldn't have been happy choosing a lifestyle being single, without me. If she truly loved me - she would have never started liking this other guy so soon, I could go on forever but its as simple as that... so basically I realised that she just didn't love me the way I loved her...

Initially, I felt backstabbed and deceived since I was a great guy to her and after everything I did for her she just left me as soon as she discovered university life. It hurt that she said all those affectionate things and then.. when university came around she completely flipped the script. I wanted her to regret leaving me.. I wanted her to realise everything she had lost and wanted her to come crying back to me. BUT now I hold nothing against her at all.. I don’t want her back, I have now realised that she didn't really mean all those affectionate things (she probably just said them because she felt it at the moment) and she didn't truly love me.. so there is no point in dwelling on what she may be thinking, and dwelling on making her regret leaving me. The simple and clear truth is.. I will probably never know the EXACT reason WHY she left, but for whatever reason she Doesn't want me anymore - HER ACTIONS proved to me that she never truly loved me!. I had to accept and realise that and once I had it was a turning point!.

I then began to think "Well, what can I take from this?"... and I realised that she just Wasn't THE ONE for me, I deserve better!! I deserve someone that WILL love me the same way I love them. I deserve someone that will give me everything I give them and will truly appreciate me and want commitment just as I do. I deserve someone that will not tell me they love me etc and then prove the complete opposite. I began to appreciate that this happened NOW and I realised her true feelings NOW rather than later - it saved a lot more heartache. I just realised that I can take comfort in knowing I DO deserve better because I deserve someone that truly loves me, my ex just wasn't the one for me, it wasn't meant to be...

After sending the email to her and starting NC I realised the way to come back from this is... to genuinely realise what has happened and focus on healing myself and moving on with my life!. I have to realise that she just wasn't the one for me, I am better off without her because she didn't truly love me - she left me to have the lifestyle she wanted at university, this proved that she never truly loved me and didn’t want to be with me for life... so I deserve someone that will truly love me... I have to keep that in mind!.
I realised the best thing is to really live well and do things for myself.. to work hard, be successful, be happy, MOVE ON, don't always look back and dwell on this, just look forward, do things to make myself happy and keep my pleasure and joy.. I also realised I had to try and do my best to not care what my ex thinks and hold on to hope because she's already shown me she never truly loved me by her actions, so its best to just heal and move on... those are the best things to do.. just LIVE WELL, MOVE ON AND HOLD MYSELF OUT FOR THE GIRL THAT WILL TRULY LOVE ME!.

Even after initiating NC, a part of me still really wanted to get my revenge so to speak. I still really wanted her to regret leaving me and realize what a great boyfriend I was to her etc. After reading LOADS of posts on this website I came to my senses. I realised I am wasting my time wanting all of that crap, it was stopping me from healing. I will never know why she left me, and never know what she is feeling now. Perhaps she will regret leaving me, perhaps she wont… I realised that it really doesn’t matter what she thinks (whether she regrets leaving me or not).. because I KNOW in my heart that she’s not the one for me, she didn’t truly love me and I deserve better!

Right now, as I have said I am still on NC and its been 1 month and 3 days.. I AM FEELING GOOD! I plan on just continuing what I have said; accepting what has happened, realising she wasn’t the one and I deserve better and then just move on, live well and be happy… and I know if I stick with that, in time I will be 100% over her and I will find the true love I am looking for.

I spent loads of time reading posts on this website since I’ve been going NC and I have actually learnt SO MUCH
I’ve learnt to see signs & any negative vibes straight away, I’ve learnt not to take words to heart and to look at the actions behind the words, to guard my heart and don't get invloved too quickly, to take the relationship as it comes and don't think of her as 'the one'... I have learnt not to make a girl my whole entire life, still have fulfillment without them - have MY OWN life, still be myself without them and be happy, I don't need anyone to make me happy, I’ve learnt that if I love myself people will love me... then I can SHARE my life with them, not make them my life. I can still be the nice guy as always in the relationship, but I shouldn’t do everything - its got to be equal.
Also, I have learnt that at the end of a break up - keep your dignity, be the man, don't run back and keep texting etc. NC means NC!!
I have just learnt SO MUCH.. and everyone on this website has helped me without even knowing it, I just want to say a HUGE THANK YOU!!

I decided to write all this because I wanted people to know my situation and give me their opinions on how I’m dealing with it (because I do have my bad days and I haven’t really had many people to talk to) – so please feel free to respond and comment on all of this, it would be MUCH MUCH appreciated! Also, I wanted to make others in my position aware of the fact that THEY ARE NOT ALONE, we all have to stick together! And DON’T WORRY, it will get better.

Thank you all so much for reading this long post! Please feel free to comment :) :)

Hang in there! I think you're doing fine. Women come and women go but you will always remain so do as you said, develop yourself and learn to enjy life again. In time Spring will return and so will love and by then you'll be an even better 'catch!' Work hard to remove the feelings of 'I want her to regret leaving me', people are foolish and rarely regret anything so don't hold your breath on that one.

Thanks so much teach... yeah I agree with you, woman come and go.. I am just going to continue to develop myself, be the absolute best person I can, and become a 'better catch'!!
Im going to stop wanting my ex to regret. Whether she does or doesn't is irrelevant now, I keep drilling that into my head. At the end of the day.. I know she wasn't the one for me, she didn't truly love me... Just got to wait for the right one to come along...
Sometimes I have bad days, but I guess that is normal right?. I am glad you think I'm going about this the right way and doing fine.
Means a lot, thanks

Hey Arzy,
I have to say, you are looking pretty good and have the right attitude which is essential for moving on. Your story sounds very similar to mine and I'm trying very hard to keep the same attitude and I am, but sometimes it doesn't seem real, it's just hard to let go. She gave me many reasons she couldn't be with me, and in the end it all came down to one. She just doesn't want me anymore. Not in that way at least. It's the only way I want to be wanted by her --at least for now.

What teach says is true. The "I want her to regret" feelings must also disappear, because they still show you care what she thinks. You must let them go completely. She might regret it, she might not, even if she does you might never know -best to let it go.

I also loved the stuff you've learned in this site. It's all the same stuff I've learned about relationships as well. In the future they will prove very handy so that our next r'ships are stronger and more equal.

Thanks for your post, it's good to hear a positive attitude. Gives me strength.

Good luck mate. May you move on soon.

Sometimes I have bad days, but I guess that is normal right?... I am glad you think I'm going about this the right way and doing fine.
Means alot, thanks

Yes, it is completely normal. I have been broken up with my ex for four months, and I still have bad days. The good will start to outnumber the bad, so no worries. It isn't the bad thoughts and sad feelings that will get you, it is how you handle them. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and rarely do the firsts work out, sadly. You will have many more bad days, I am sure, but in the end, the clouds clear and the sun shines, and you will be that much better for going through this entire experience. Good luck! You are doing great.

Posters like you make my day, as its good to know someone is actually listening.

Expat,
Thanks for your response, I just read your post and wow our situations are similar.. We are doing good though, I know we are!. I think you should continue as your are! Your letter to her was amazing, it could have been used for me as well.. we can't make our ex's love us, their actions proved they didn't love us and WE Don't DESERVE THAT!
We deserve girls that will love us and want the same things that we want!. and we should settle for no less..
We just got to continue the NC and we will be fine, keep posting my friend. Thank you.

PS. - I noticed you sent a NYE text to her, I didn't sent one to my ex... I was the first to send an xmas one, so I thought why make the effort again. She hasn't had any contact with me since I started NC which is a help... I know one day we will both be over our ex's and find better partners for ourselves!. We are good guys and we deserve that.

I want to thank kctiger and Tal first of all... I have been reading your answers before I posted on here and your answers are amazing, they really spoke to me and taught me a lot!!
That's why it means a lot to know both of you think I am doing the right thing by continuing NC, improving myself and being the best person I can be... and just trying to live well and move on.

I know the bad days will come, but I also have faith that they will soon pass.
Sometimes, when I am weak.. I find myself going over the whole story again in my head and just reminding myself that she wasn't the one and I deserve better, anyone else does this?. I find it just brings me back to this positive state of mind!

Im happy to know you all think I am doing the right thing... for an 18yo who fell in love, its hard!. because its my first time experiencing this.
I will become a better person from it though and will truly get what I deserve, right?.

You will get what you deserve, for sure. Life always has a funny way of working itself out, and you are a great person who has a lot to offer. One day, when you least expect it, you will meet someone that melts your heart.

You will have other relationships, and you will find that just because they don't work out, doesn't mean that either person was in the wrong. Things fall apart because in the end it is just a way of opening up another door into your life. Everything is a learning experience, good or bad.

Love will find you, as long as you love yourself. The best thing you can do is just keep on doing what you are doing, enjoy life, and most of all, help others out. The rest will take care of itself.

Thanks kctiger..
I have been telling myself lately, its not my ex's fault that she didn't truly love me.. love happens naturally and nobody can force love.

BUT, it sucks that she unintentionally led me on in a way... since she told me all those loving and affectionate things & had been so INTO having a long term relationship with me only DAYS before she actually experienced university life and then told me that she felt like she needed space, wanted to be single etc... (its taught me never to just take a girls word when she says she loves me - love is a word that is thrown around WAY TOO MUCH in today's society.. her actions should prove the love, and in the end - my ex's actions didn't prove all the affectionate things she once said to me.)

Another thing that sucks is... she was spending time with this other guy during the painful 2 weeks we had (after she called me telling me how she felt)... and then only weeks after leaving me, she told our mutual friend that they liked each other etc. That kind of sucked.
But at the same time, AGAIN proved to me that she didn't truly love me which lets me know that she wasn't the one for me...

I used to be in a place where I felt angry and deceived by her since she unintentionally led me on and then had this other guy all of a sudden... but the attitude I am having now is - just forget it and forgive her.
Because, I can safely say I have learnt some valuable lessons from what she has done now!. and just like I said before, it doesn't matter what she is thinking or doing etc. This current time is about ME and MY healing!. and that's what I have to focus on...

I guess Im in the process of moving on!. and Im actually feeling good!.
Am I going about this with the right attitude?

Completely the right attitude! Read my original questions if you want, as they are kind of in the same boat as you were (finding out that your ex is already seeing someone else). What you are doing is incredible, as you are an example to many on here.

My mindset is simple. I can spend hours upon hours feeling sorry for myself that she left me. I can drown myself in self pitty all I want... or, I could pick myself up, dust myself off, and accept it as reality. Work on myself, and most of all, be strong... be strong for yourself, and be strong for others that are dealing with the same type of pain.

It isn't what you go through, but how you come out of it. I am a shell of who I was in October, when I originally came on here. People like Tal, Rome, and Friend4U (just to name a few) rushed in and helped without judgement or hesitation. That is what this website is all about. Extremely caring people who know that breakups suck, but that you will be fine, and it is up to you to pick yourself up and be better than ever. In school they teach you everything, except how to handle a broken heart. That is just something we have to go through.

Carry on... you are doing awesome!!

kctiger I just read your questions and WOW... musta been so hard for you after a 4 yr r'ship to find out she so quickly got another guy... How are you feeling now?. It seems as if you are doing great!. you too will find someone who deserves you, and will melt your heart.

I think previously, I had the right to be angry etc at her since I did feel she led me on and then so quickly was seeing another guy.. especially after EVERYTHING I did for her (helped her out when she was heartbroken and was the best boyfriend I could be - so much so that other girls were somewhat jealous)... So I felt a little angry and shocked that she could do that...

I then realised, that she is immature - she led me on UNINTENTIONALLY.. she only said all that loving, affectionate crap because she felt it at 'that moment' and it made her happy to say it, she didn't mean it (sign of an immature person, right?)... but when push came to shove, she never really meant all those things - she decided that leaving me for a single university life (for whatever reason) was more important than being with me, she then admitted to her friend and not me that she was seeing someone else - it proved she didn't love me, and proved I deserve better, don't you think?.

That's why, I have just got the mindset that.. WHO CARES what she is thinking or doing now, whether she is with someone else or not, whether she is regretting leaving me or not... WHO CARES! - At the end of the day, she did me a favour, I was a great guy to her.. she left me and proved she didn't love me.. and has now made me available to someone that WILL TRULY LOVE ME...

Sometimes - I do find myself drifting off course and getting weak... Like when I saw her on MSN Instant Messenger about 3 weeks ago, she had 3 broken hearts on her screen name. I found myself thinking 'oh wow, is she regretting it now.. why are they there? Etc etc'... I then realised, I don't even care.. and I keep drilling that into my head, I don't care if she is regretting it or not..
Because I know she isn't for me, she didn't really love me... (I keep on telling myself this whenever I feel weak, anyone else do this?)

Right now, its all about me me me me me.. and just loving myself, getting on with my own life and moving on... I work out regularly and I have a 8 week trip to europe planned at the end of this month, Im staying with family and going to be doing some travelling, I can't WAIT!. Im already doing things and living my life!. I just hope soon enough I will be 100% over her.

So just to confirm, its best to continue NC even if I somehow hear from her, right?. its best to forget about how she unintentionally led me on and is now probably seeing someone else, right?. and its best to just FORGET about what she might be thinking and doing (cos she is out of my life and I am just focusing on myself), right?.

Lol Sorry people for rambling on and got always asking all these questions, it just means a lot when Im actually re-assured that I am doing the right things and thinking the right ways.. it sets my mind at ease I guess.

So just to confirm, its best to continue NC even if I somehow hear from her, right?... its best to forget about how she unintentionally led me on and is now probably seeing someone else, right? ... and its best to just FORGET about what she might be thinking and doing (cos she is out of my life and I am just focussing on myself), right? ...

lol Sorry people for rambling on and got always asking all these questions, it just means a lot when Im actually re-assured that I am doing the right things and thinking the right ways.. it sets my mind at ease I guess.

Mate, you said it yourself! Read your post directly above mine and you will find your answers. YES, it is best to forget about her, she lead you ON and is now seeing some other poor dude. YES, much better not to think what she's up to. It only hurts when I do. And you can't really know, even if you did.. it would only hurt and set you back.

Listen, I think you are doing awesome... many guys here would've loved to act with the same mindset you have. You will heal faster and get yourself back sooner. BELIEVE me, it might be help that your relationship wasn't as long. But the fact is, you were very hurt, and everyday it hurts less doesn't it? Yes, sometimes you have your lows, but that's life, I'm sure you get lows in everything, work, study, friends, even when your favourite team loses. But you recover, and the pain subsides in time.

You are young mate... AND you have an awesome trip in your future. Think about it this way, if you still had her in your life you wouldn't be free to do whatever you wanted over there. You don't even have to worry about calling her everyday or about cheating if you happen to have a fling with some eurobabe.

Don't worry about rambling on, people here are always eager to read a positive story. Some might decide not to read it, but others will love it. Ramble away mate, if it helps you then go ahead.

Thanks for the support expat..
Yeah, I guess the answers are there in my head, just helps to hear it from other people, y'know?
You are completely right!. it did hurt A lot initially, but on the whole each and everyday the pain gets less and less... and I tend to think about her less and less.

I am glad I finally realised what went wrong in the relationship. I may not have any PROPER closure because I will never know why she left me once she got into university - there could be 100 reasons...

BUT, I got closure in another way (people listen to this).. I realised from her actions that she didn't truly love me!! She left me & completely flipped the script after telling me how we were going to be together forever etc, she said she would be happier single, she said she felt uncomfortable in a relationship, she went and started liking another guy soon after leaving me... all these actions prove to me she didn't TRULY love me!
And, I Don't want to be with a girl that doesn't love me!. WHY?. BECAUSE I don't deserve that! I deserve better!! I deserve a girl that will love me the same way I love them and will treat me the way I treat them... its as simple as that...

So, for people that didn't really get any closure in their breakup... perhaps you can take from it (like in my case) that - the ex didn't truly love you!. and you don't deserve that!. the ex therefore wasn't meant to be with you...

Whenever I keep telling myself those thingsand drilling that into my head, I get stronger and remember why I am doing NC etc... TO MOVE ON, SO I CAN HEAL AND FIND SOMEONE THAT DOES DESERVE ME... :)

You have a great attitude! I can't wait till I get to that point and NOT CARE anymore and say f**k him!

Just wanted to have a little rant/vent... helps with the healing I guess!

Well, when I was reading this post over I just kept thinking, after EVERYTHING I had done for my ex - always there for her when she needed me, treated her like a princess, would have done anything for her, surprised her with little gifts etc when we went out, was always the gentleman, did SO much for her on her b'day, trusted her with the most private parts of my life, introduced her to the most important people in my life (my family.. especially my mother) and carried her through the time when she was heartbroken when we were just friends... Its just a shame that she kind of threw all that back in my face and then made me go through the same heartache she went through.. the same heartache I helped her get through!.

I understand that some of it was my fault since maybe I gave too much and was too nice in the relationship and made her MY life (because I fell so deeply for her)... and I have learnt from it. I have learnt to make sure the relationship is always 50/50, not to give EVERYTHING to a girl - because the relationship should be equal, Ive learnt to have MY OWN life and own individuality without anyone, I have learnt that I should love myself more than anyone and put that first etc... I have learnt all these things so I do understand what I did wrong in the relationship - and for my next relationship I will be different because I will make sure it is more fair and more equal, I won't be the one giving all the time. But at the same time I will still be sweet and nice.

BUT.. Am I right in thinking and saying that, she doesn't really deserve me!
She told me all these affectionate, loving things.. then as soon as she got to university for some reason (that I will never probably know, there could be 100 reasons) she 'felt uncomfortable in a relationship & wanted to be single etc'. THEN, only a few weeks after leaving me, she was out with another guy and getting close to him.

She doesn't deserve someone who was selfless, who truly loved her and wanted nothing but to be with her... she doesn't deserve me, right?
Because, all she did was lead me on (without realising it) and then left me as soon as she got to university (because she decided living a single university life was what she wanted more than having a loving, caring boyfriend) - then to rub salt into the wound she started liking another guy soon after!
Her actions proved that all of the affectionate things she once said was a bunch of crap that she didn't really mean, her actions proved that she Didn't TRULY LOVE ME the same way I loved her...

So, am I right in saying - she doesn't really deserve a guy like me!. plainly because, after everything I did for her... her actions proved she didn't truly love me, and I can't be with someone that doesn't love me...

Just wanted to vent for a bit lol... thanks people, I'm doing well by the way... 1 month and 4 days of NC :)

kctiger I just read your questions and WOW... musta been so hard for you after a 4 yr r'ship to find out she so quickly got another guy... How are you feeling now?.. It seems as if you are doing great!...

Yes, I am doing much better. When I first came onto this website, I was an absolute mess... I mean, a trainwreck. It is barnone the hardest thing I have ever had to handle, and there are still moments of pain. More than anything, I just miss the times with her... waking up together in the morning, having breakfast, going to dinner and the movies, that kind of thing, but it is life. You live and learn. I still love her to death, but know that it will never be the same between her and I, and I am pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me, which is fine.

My best friend is now dating her room mate, which makes for an awkward situation from time to time. At any rate, you just take it one day at a time and do your best to help as many people as possible, cause in the end, life isn't just about making yourself happy, but doing your best to make others happy as well... even if it is for just a minute or two.

kctiger... I know how you feel mate!
But, you are a good guy... and you deserve better, just as I do... when we realise that, we are able to tell ourselves that there is hope in the future for us!
I believe good guys like us have so much to give... and its just unfortunate that my ex just didn't truly love me the way I loved her, its even more unfortunate that I found that fact out in a very painful way (by her just leaving me as soon as she got to university and telling me she felt uncomfortable and wanted to be single and then hanging out with another guy shortly after)... but I'm glad I found out now rather than later..
But at the end of the day, at least we know from our ex's actions what they felt for us and how much we meant to them... yes, it hurts for a while... but knowing that us guys deserve beter just motivates me to dust myself off... and improve myself, learn from this experience and get back out there!.
What do you guys think?.

Update:

Hey people, just thought Id give you all a quick update with my situation. Well, as you can see from my posts above I have been making some progress and I have felt good. Yesterday.. something happened and I felt myself slipping and losing focus for a few minutes.

Well, I signed into MSN to check email and was appearing offline so no-one could see me... I noticed my ex was online and had changed her screen name to 'I (heart) you too John' - John is the new guy.

Let me tell you about John... - well in the 2 weeks my ex gave herself to think about whether she wantd to be with me or not, she hung out with John quite a lot (hes 2 years older than me and my ex). They would go to restaurants together, talk on the phone for hours, IM each other etc... Since our relationship was fragile at the time, I trusted her when she told me they were just friends. It then turned out only a few weeks after breaking up with me that my ex and John were seeing each other. And now, just over 2 months later - she is posting on her screen name that she loves him.

Well, when I saw her screen name.. like I said, I felt myself losing focus. I started thinking;
- oh so they are an official couple now huh
- she's already in love with him
- hmm maybe she actually left me to be with him and That's the reason she broke up with me
- hmmm is he just some rebound guy right now
Etc etc
I started thinking all these silly things...

I then kind of slapped myself lol, regained focus and laughed. I thought to myself;
Well, why the hell am I concentrating on all this crap. Why am I bothering about what she is doing, who she is with and what she is thinking. She can be with whoever she likes, its her life after all. I will probably NEVER EVER know the real reason why she broke up with me.. she said she felt uncomfortable in a relationship and she didn't know why. I will never know WHY she felt uncomfortable - perhaps its because she started liking this new guy, perhaps she just wanted to be single and party etc WHO KNOWS?. I am not going to waste my time thinking about it. She never therefore gave me true closure, but I have to create closure in my head... and I can at least take from this that - she didn't truly love me the way I loved her, I don't deserve that.. I deserve better!. and THAT is my closure!
Also, I told myself... who cares and who knows whether John is a rebound or not!. again I am not going to waste my time thinking about it.

I must admit, seeing that little comment on her screen name did sting a bit. I mean c'mon - only 2.5 - 3 months ago she was telling me she loved me and would never leave me.. then she goes to university, says she feels uncomfortable in a relationship, hangs out with John a lot and now apparently loves him. Lol kind of funny isn't it.

I thought to myself last night... What I can take from this is? - forget what she said, its her actions that proved how she felt for me. She didn't truly love me, she didn't truly mean all those loving things she once said.. and her actions proved it to me. I thought to myself, FORGET about her and this new guy John. Forget about what she is thinking and doing. Then I blocked her from my msn. I guess I just lost focus after seeing that, it thre me off course for a minute there... but I refocussed after thinking things through.

Well, I woke up this morning and just wanted to write that all down... thanks for reading once again - feel free to comment :)

Hey Arzy,

DUDE!! You are one of the enlighted ones... What's the matter with you? BLOCK her and DELETE her from msn now!! You have her on Facebook? Remove her! You have mutual friends? Then DO NOT log on... don't worry Facebook will still be there in 6 months. You know better than this sh*t! You are not Trevor or G4earhead or whatever that stubborn guy's name is... NC means cutting all contact! Not just SMS and calls. It means everything... If you keep logging onto FB and seeing her stupid little messages you will only hurt yourself understand? Her "tagged" images of her latest party were she acted like a little slut just released from her f* ckin bird cage!

You seem like a TOP BLOKE --prob aussie am I right?-- chicks will be throwing themselves at you soon enough--its summer down under after all! Follow the advice and set yourself free from her. Become the dude you used to be prior to meeting her. If this chick is soooo amazing and she fell for you, then you must have been something great about you then yea?? I mean, there must have been something about you that made her like you right? Well that same stuff PLUS what you've learned from this crap will make you a better catch.

BELIEVE in yourself mate.. I don't know what you look like. I don't care... All I know from what you write is that you are a great guy --albeit young and inexperienced-- with a positive mind and a great soul. RESPECT yourself for that dammit-- I don't even know you and I think you are the sh*t!! In a non gay way lol.

Stop whining about what she lost and how her actions showed she didn't care about you. ITS ALL ABOUT YOU now. Focus 100% on yourself don't even waste your time thinking about a chick that replaced you like a f* cking tampon! GEEEZZZ you are much much better than that! You know it! Be strong... keep posting as much as you need or whenever you have an update. Remember we are here for you to cheer you on and to support you in whatever crap she throws at you. Don't take sh*t from anyone dude you are worth more than that. Be a James Bond. Hahaha yesss... that's right, Bond, James Bond. Ok, I may be a bit drunk lol.

LOLL haha expat mate I LOVED your post!. its exactly what I needed, straight to the point.. I think I've found my first friend on here!. cheers mate!. lol and no - Im from Great Britain, but I absolutely love austrialia - really want to go there someday.. Anyway back to the point.

You are right, NC means NC... I don't have Facebook or any of that crap (im anti-facebook to be honest).. and I have now taken her off my msn list. Like Ive said before, I don't want to know what she is up to and what she is thinking etc. I shouldn't care about who she is with, what she's thinking and what she's doing... its irrelevant now, right?
At the end of the day (I know Ive said it 100 times).. but she just wasn't meant for me, she didn't truly love me like I loved her... I deserve better!. and that is what fuels me to just move on and live my own life.

I have come a long way. Its been 5 and a half weeks of no contact now and Im still going strong. I guess I just needed to re-focus after seeing that silly message on her screen name. Who cares now!. its all about me!

Im just going to stick to the plan;
Continue NC, continue learning from this experience as I have done already, live my life well, be happy and love myself... do things to make myself happy!. I don't want to know about her, its all about me!.
Just needed to get back on track!.

Ok, I may be a bit drunk lol.
That was a great post drunk or not.

Hey people.. Just an update of what Ive been feeling today. Please bear with me as this might be a tad long and confusing…

Well, its weird really.. at some points today I have been thinking about her and our relationship etc and I have been in 2 minds. I start to get angry at her when I think about it.. then once those angry thoughts are over, I immediately start to give myself 'good advice' (the same kind of stuff that I reckon you guys would be telling me, and the same things I have read on here). For those of you that are confused… allow me to explain;

Well.. when I look back on our relationship, I think about how it was and all the events that happened up to the breakup. Lets start right from the beginning…
She was devastated when she split from her 1st boyfriend (8 month r'ship) and I carried her through the pain etc, and was there for her like a good friend whenever she needed me. Six months after they had broken up, we got together.. we talked a lot during the time we were friends and I had really strong feelings towards her.

Looking back on it now, its clear to me that when we got together.. she had not completely let go of her past relationship, she was not 100% over it (she eventually did get over it)…but initially I guess I was her rebound (which sucks big time). Anyway, I believe as time went on.. her feelings for her 1st boyfriend died out.
Things between my ex and I were perfect, we took walks by the lake, picnics, star gazed etc.. things were great for the 9 months.
I told her when we were just friends that I took the word 'love' very seriously and would only say it to someone if it truly came from my heart; she would always agree with me on that and said she believed that too. Well, I did end up falling in love for her.. big time! And I know this was true love.. I could feel it from inside of me, people could see it in my eyes that I was in love, it has to be the most amazing feeling ever!
During our relationship she would always tell me;
- she 'loved' me
- she wanted to be with me forever
- it hurts when she's away from me
- that we are a permanent fixture and nothing can break us apart
I mean I can go on forever… she basically would tell me ALL the loving things you could possibly think of. I genuinely thought this girl was in love with me.
She then went to university.. and once she had seen what university was all about, she felt as if some things were 'easier to do and enjoy when you are single' and felt 'uncomfortable in a relationship'.. – she then broke up with me and is now seeing a guy she met only 2 weeks before breaking up with me – what a complete and utter transformation, I know!

When I therefore think about the relationship – I get kind of angry! I think to myself… I went through so much for her as a friend when she was heartbroken and now she has put me in that same position; and I was also the best boyfriend I could possibly be.. other girls were envious of her.
Firstly, she shouldn't have got with me if she was not 100% over her 1st bf… because she is already setting the relationship off to a bad start.. and I was bound to get hurt in the end. That is something that makes me angry. She will probably never admit that she wasn't over her 1st boyfriend though… oh well!
Secondly, she KNEW how strongly I felt about the word love and how seriously I took it! Yet she would tell me all these AMAZING things that I couldn't imagine anyone ever saying to me. She would be so loving and affectionate.. and Ive now realised that she didn't really mean those things…she only said them because it made her happy to say them, she only felt them at *that moment*. Those things never truly came from the heart. Whereas in my case, everything I have ever said to her came from my heart. And I feel angry because … she made me believe I was the most important guy in the world, she made me believe she truly loved me and wanted a long term relationship just like I did.

Then what does she go and do? … -- She starts university, and once she sees what its all about.. she tells me that 'she feels as if she needs some space, she feels that some things are easier to do when you're single, she tells me that nothing is set in stone – she doesn't know if we will be together or not in the future' … (this was only days after telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me forever etc etc like she usually does).. she completely sounded like a different girl. The girl that always said to me 'we are a permanent fixture' was telling me she 'doesn't know if we will be together in the future or not – nothing is set in stone' … and the only thing that changed was that she had started university. Then, after having 2 weeks to think about what she wanted.. she broke up with me and almost immediately started liking and seeing another guy (John). She ended up replacing me with some guy that she had met only a few weeks before breaking up with me… and she now claims to 'love' John. Anyway, it makes me angry because; I feel betrayed. She would tell me for 9 months how much she loved me, loved me family and wanted to spend her whole life with me… I thought she meant it, then she COMPLTELY changes as soon as she goes to university and wants to be single, breaks up with me and hangs out with another guy… PROVING that she never truly loved me in the first place.

I guess the weird thing is… she doesn't realize how she has hurt me. She doesn't realize that she still had feelings for her 1st boyfriend when we first got together. She doesn't realize how she unintentionally led me on for 9 months and then got rid of me as soon as university came along.. she probably doesn't realize what she has done wrong and how she has hurt me.

I just wanted to know from you guys… is this feeling of anger etc normal when looking back on the relationship?. AND.. in your opinion do I have a right to be angry at her?. would you be mad at her if you were in my place?. what do you guys think…your insight would be very helpful.

NOW, once I finish with all the anger thoughts… I start to remember all the good advice. This is what I say to myself…
Well I just have to go through the pain because I am going to come out a better and more complete person. Even though she gave me no real closure, I can take from her actions that she never truly loved me.. and I deserve better than that. I have learnt so much from this experience.. learnt so much about relationships and about myself. Also, I am glad this happened now and not a few years down the line when things would have gotten more serious. There is no point in dwelling on the past.. dwelling on what she is thinking and dwelling on what she is doing or who she is with. Because the fact is.. she didn't truly love me, I deserve better… especially after everything I gave to her and did for her. So its best to just live my life, let go, be happy and just take comfort in knowing that she didn't love me, she's not the one for me and someone better is out there!!

You see, immediately after the angry thoughts … comes the good, decent, helpful advice. I know the good advice is all there in my head… its just sometimes when thinking about the relationship I get angry thinking about how she hurt me (and probably doesn't realize it).. after everything Ive done for her… Anyone else ever had a thought pattern like this? …

Anyway guys, that felt good to let all out… was kind of like a nice rant lol. Well, just in case your wondering about my current progress.. on the whole I am honestly feeling really good. Its been nearly 6 weeks of NC and its been 10 weeks since she broke up with me … I feel SO MUCH better now than I did when she first left me. And I have learnt so much as well!. So on the whole, I am doing pretty good!. Just wanted to get that all out I guess!. Please feel free to comment and help, its ALWAYS much appreciated.

Hey Arzy,

It's good to know you are hanging in there. You are a good example of the benefits brought by NC.

I think it's very normal to have some angry thoughts. In your case specifically you were betrayed --maybe not in the strict sense of the word-- but fact that she said all those nice things to you and a few days later did a complete 180 means that she was leading you on unfairly. It will be good experience because next time you'll know words are empty if they don't come with actions. Obvious actions. Not ones that you make up yourself in your head.

I believe as time goes by your emotions will begin to transition. The pain and anger will shrink and the "good advice" you repeat to yourself will increase. At first it was all about the pain and anger, then came advice and "whats next". In the end their won't be room for pain and anger. It will be acceptance, understanding, and maybe even relief!

I don't know well were I am at the moment but I feel posting on this site is proving to be very effective therapy. Repeating the same advice over and over will imprint itself in my head eventually as my healing continues.

Keep ranting and venting Arzy. It's good to let things out. I know my friends are probably sick of me doing the same so this site is the perfect window for me to shout out my feelings to the world and get some helpful advice at the same time.

Yeah... I think yesterday I had one of those 'angry days' I guess. But, the majority of the time when I do feel myself thinking about things and getting angry/upset I come on here and repeat all the good advice that Ive read and that has been given to me - it usually makes me feel better.

But, I just can't wait for a time where I don't have too ALWAYS reinforce all this good advice and don't have to ALWAYS keep drilling it into my head so I don't lose focus. I guess that will come with time, right?

I guess I do still feel some anger and pain towards my ex and this situation, because (even though she probably didn't realise it at the time) for 9 months she led me on by telling me all these wonderful things - then when university started she basically switched her whole mentality and was 'anti-relationship'... then after breaking up with me, she was seeing the new guy (John) whom she had only recently met.

I think what she did wasn't very cool at all, I think it was wrong.. I don't believe she realises what she has done wrong and how she's hurt me.. but that is irrelevant. The good thing is.. I can safely say I am beginning to forgive her (the angry feelings are slowly going)... I always loved her with all my heart and I let her go because she 'apparently' would be happier being single etc at university. I have days when I am hurt and angry by this, but other days when I am forgiving... I think the angry days will decrease now. The one thing that I can take from this that I can be sure of is - her actions proved she didn't love me, her actions proved I deserve better... Ive said it 100 times, but its my closure and it gives me hope for the future that someone better is out there, someone that will love me the way I love them.. right?.

I also wanted to add guys.. that I am going on a trip to europe at the end of the month (6-8 weeks long)... going to do some travelling and chill with some members of my family in spain. Do you guys reckon a trip like this will really help me?. and what do you think I should do there to just get my mind off and heal?. should I look back over the relationship etc and try and see what I can learn or should I just forget about it and get on with my life etc... What frame of mind should I aim to be in whilst on this trip?. A bit of a weird question, but would be nice to know your thoughts...

Thanks so much people. Always much appreciated!

Me, I have a great time and enjoy myself, and leave all this other stuff behind.

While on your trip, do nothing but enjoy yourself. You can do WHATEVER you want man, so live it up. That is awesome for you, and will help you a ton.

You will find someone who loves you the way you are capable of loving someone else... most likely, they will find you. Don't worry about that now. Enjoy yourself, your family, and your opportunities.

There are always things to be learned in any relationship, good or bad, so soak it up, but don't over think it or let it control your thoughts overall. You will also have to forgive her, otherwise your moving on will never fully be complete. Without total forgiveness, you will always harbor some feelings for her... so, step one in moving and healing, forgive her, and enjoy yourself.

She was devastated when she split from her 1st boyfriend (8 month r'ship) and I carried her through the pain etc, and was there for her like a good friend whenever she needed me. Six months after they had broken up, we got together.. we talked a lot during the time we were friends and I had really strong feelings towards her.
That's your first mistake, you were friendzoned from the beginning. Only friendzone girls you have no interest in, then you can be their true friends and sustaining friendships with women is huge.


...I mean I can go on forever… she basically would tell me ALL the loving things you could possibly think of. I genuinely thought this girl was in love with me... She would tell me all these AMAZING things that I couldn't imagine anyone ever saying to me.

Stuff like that just sounds so phony to me, because it usually is, your relationship being a case in point. She's doing the same thing to this John dude too by advertising her love for him on MSN.



Firstly, she shouldn't have got with me if she was not 100% over her 1st bf…

Sorry broseph, but she's not at fault here. If the same thought crossed your mind, you could've ended it too. Well, now you both know what not to do, so don't make the same mistake again.



she starts university, and once she sees what its all about.. she tells me that 'she feels as if she needs some space, she feels that some things are easier to do when you're single, she tells me that nothing is set in stone – she doesn't know if we will be together or not in the future' …

The best advice I got in high school from a teacher was "never have a girlfriend in college". Well, I didn't listen and got one anyway... and yeah, he was right. Sounds to me like your girl knew this all along, she has a one-up on both of us.

As a fresh graduate, I speak with experience: college is huge, that's where a person learns who he is as man, what he wants to be, what he wants and who he wants to know; it gives a man direction in life. In a time of self-actualization, it's hard for her to focus on herself while still trying to give attention to you. When I was dating my ex, I only focused on myself, and would only give attention to my girlfriend when I was bored, hungry or horny, it gave her the impression that I didn't care and often times, I found myself yelling "what the hell else do you need for reassurance damnit!?". Women tend to understand this better then men do, no matter how old they are.

She's doing the right thing by cutting you loose, and even if she did truly love you, it'd be in her best interest to break up anyway.

Timing has a lot to do with success of relationships.

Thanks for the response slapshot...
What Ive got to say is... I only realised she was not 100% over her 1st boyfriend NOW.. back when we first got together - the thought never crossed my mind, love is blind... I thought she only had feelings for me. But now, after looking back - those things that were once blind to me have become noticeable.

Secondly.. I disagree with your comment about not having a bf/gf at university. I think it depends on the couple and the love between them. Two of my cousins have sustained relationships at university and are married to the girls now. I just think.. some relationships work at university - the ones held together by true love.. and even when that love is tested it passes because its strong enough and the couple will stay together through thick and thin (this is the type of love I THOUGHT me and my ex shared).. and other relationships just simply don't last at university - Anyway that is besides the point.

I guess what really hurt is... she unintentionally led me on by saying all these lovely things.. then did a complete 180 when she got to university. If she were having doubts about a relationship at university we would have discussed it before or I would have felt it. But she always told me that things would be great and when I join her at university next year we will be together and even 2 weeks into university things were fine between us (she would tell me all these loving things, how much I mean to her blah blah blah)... It was only during the 3rd week of university (when she had settled down a bit more) that her outook on having a relationship at university changed (and this was only a few days before telling me she loved me etc). That is what hurt - the complete and utter transition she made when she got to university, then obviously getting with this new John guy right after breaking up with me...

But anyway... I just wanted to explain what actually hurt me...
I am doing fine with NC.. and I have learnt so much from this experience - Ill never make the same mistakes again and I will notice things straight away.
Anyway, even though she gave me no closure - I can take comfort in knowing it just wasn't meant to be.. she didn't truly love me, and I believe I deserve better because I deserve someone that will want a serious commitment and will love me the same way I love them...

Don't blame her for unintentionally leading you on. It happens man... love is way too complicated sometimes. I've been reading this thing and I hafta say, I think you would've been fine even without this site lol.

But really, the only thing that bothered me with your original post and all your more recent posts is that you seem to resent the fact that she didn't realize she didn't actually love you before you guys were dating for 9 months. It's not her fault though. It's like blaming someone for not knowing the future. The whole point is that she didn't know, and she did change. Situations change, and that's life. In the perfect time in place, I think any relationship could work. But that's not what happened here. What happened was that she changed, and in the end, that change might've been good for her. So keep an open mind about this. Change is life, and it's beautiful because people learn so much from it. So no hard feelings, right? It wasn't meant to be, you're probably right. And maybe she did still like her ex, but it's possible that she didn't. And she probably was committed to you, even if that commitment didn't last forever. There's another side to every coin.

Nitemare,
I completely understand and agree with what your saying. Thanks for that post.

I would just like to clarify that I don't really resent the fact that she didn't truly love me, because no-one can force love, it happens naturally. I just think, she could have picked her words more carefully instead of painting this beautiful picture and telling me she always loved me - she knew how I felt about that word and how I thought its thrown around way too much. (I guess she didn't know any better though, she was probably oblivious to the fact that the loving things she was saying didn't really come from the heart... and she probably only said them because it made her happy as well as myself - Its my fault for believing it straight away, and putting my whole heart and soul into it.. I have now learnt to look at the actions behind the loving words that people say to me).

The fact is - she UNINTENTIONALLY led me on, she said those loving things and didn't really mean it.. but she didn't realise that she didn't mean them... she only realised when she went to university that - uni life and being single etc was what she wanted and not being with me. That is fine with me and I have no hard feelings at all - I am forgiving her in my head and in my heart as we speak. If that is what she truly wanted and was going to make her happy then that is fine.
What makes me a little angry from time to time... is the indescribable psychological, physical, emotion pain I went through when she 'changed'. I mean c'mon think about it... She told me all those beautiful, loving things (and she probably thought she meant them and she probably thought she wanted a relationship).. but when she got to university, she found that right now in her life she wants to live university life single etc... that complete transition is what gets to me. Its shocking how she could say those loving things for 9 months and tell me we are going to be together forever.. then decide she wants the opposite as soon as something new came along (in this case university).. I guess it happens though and I have accepted it. (It simply proves she didn't love me the same way I loved her.. because if I were in university I would never have made a transition like that, my feelings for her were way too strong.)
Also - the fact that she is now seeing a guy she met only weeks before breaking up with me... kind of like a knife in the heart, but anyway.

I genuinely want her to be happy now, but through this NC and with the things I have learnt I have come to realise that... this was not true love, I want to be with someone that loves me the same way I love them and will want what I want from a relationship.. I believe every one of us deserves nothing less.

Forgiving is harder than staying angry, as I'm sure you know by now. All relationships end in tears, no matter if it's a break-up, a death, or an affair. The only one the doesn't is the one that lasts forever.

Secondly .. I disagree with your comment about not having a bf/gf at university. I think it depends on the couple and the love between them. Two of my cousins have sustained relationships at university and are married to the girls now. I just think.. some relationships work at university - the ones held together by true love..and even when that love is tested it passes because its strong enough and the couple will stay together through thick and thin (this is the type of love I THOUGHT me and my ex shared).. and other relationships just simply dont last at university - Anyways that is besides the point.

I didn't say it was impossible, I said that it was hard. Picture busting your a$$ on a homework assignment but knowing that you have to finish before a certain time because you made plans with your girlfriend. That's simply too much to handle. Ask your cousins if it was hard maintaining a relationship while attending college, unless they commuted and saw each other every day, I'll hedge my bets they will say yes.



I guess what really hurt is ... she unintentionally led me on by saying all these lovely things.. then did a complete 180 when she got to university.

Being fickle is a tell-tale sign of someone who's not ready for a relationship. I've had it happen to me and I've done it to a girl before, both feel equally terrible.



Ill never make the same mistakes again

... but don't be surprised or upset at yourself if you do.

Thanks slapshot...
Yeah, I agree it probably is hard to maintain a relationship at university. But, I know that when the love and understanding between a couple is there.. its possible. I thought me and my ex shared that. But in the end she discovered that she wanted to be single at university and not be with me - despite telling me even when she started uni that we would be together etc... Like Ive said before.. Its completely fine with me that she now wants to do something different (I loved her, respected her decision and let her go).. BUT it still hurt like MAD (because I did feel slightly betrayed and like I had been led on - even though I do understand it was completely unintentional by her).
And I guess your right... its probably a sign of someone that isn't ready for a relationship... You have to MEAN the words you say and pick them carefully...

Anyway the point is.. I believe it just wasn't true love between us and her actions did prove that to me in the end. I will try my best never to make these mistakes again... because believe me I am learning so much. The way I am trying to think now is...
To try and forgive her and not dwell on the relationship.. try not to analyse every part of it... where it went wrong etc etc. Because the fact is... its over, she has already replaced me and we have to move on with our lives. I tell myself not to dwell on what SHE might be thinking, what she is doing and who she is with. Its best that I get it in my head that its over... she changed and wanted something different when she went to university and its just a shame that she unintentionally led me on, but its taught me something... and now its best to just stick to NC, heal and try to improve myself for the better...

I just wanted to ask you... how do you think I am doing with this whole situation?. Am I going about this the right way? And heading in the right direction?. I have closure now in the sense that I know she didn't truly love me... now I want to better myself, learn from this.. and hold myself out for someone that will truly love me..

I just wanted to ask you... how do you think I am doing with this whole situation? .. Am I going about this the right way? and heading in the right direction? ... I have closure now in the sense that I know she didnt truly love me.... now I want to better myself, learn from this .. and hold myself out for someone that will truly love me..
The only way to measure how well your doing is if you're sticking to no contact. When you give nothing you expect nothing.

As far as your own healing goes, "to each his own". Some chump may tell you it takes him a week or two to get over his ex, but when he's bored and alone I guarantee he's thinking about past relationships. If it takes you a while, don't think of it as a failure, all things in life take time.

In regards to your "closure" with her not loving you, I will say this, in my experience, trying to figure out what the ex-girlfriend was thinking at the time of the break-up just doesn't work because you simply have no idea, all you're doing is guessing. You'll think you've got it sorted out, then you'll think something else the next day. All you can do is reflect on your own feelings.

All of what I said is easier said than done, a lot of us on here who have been in your shoes before still struggle with it.

And dude, you only 18, your now old enough (at least in America) to buy cigarettes and porn and you haven't even started college yet. At your age, a lot of kids are still virgins, part of getting to know yourself includes dating, and dating is a relative term, a lot of people to find out for yourself what your actually looking for in a mate.

Hey.. thanks for the response slapshot.
Yeah.. Ive been sticking to NC ever since I started... its been nearly 6weeks now and I have been doing well. There is still time to go though.. I know that!

I still regard my closure as 'she didn't truly love me'.. simply because it was her ACTIONS and not thoughts that proved it to me. The fact that she did a complete 180 after telling me we would be together forever, and is now seeing a guy she met a few weeks before breaking up with me just proves she didn't love me.

I stopped trying to figure out what she was thinking and WHY she broke up with me.. A LONG LONG time ago!. because I realised, there could be 100 reasons.. I will never know. The only thing I could take from it all was what her actions proved to me.. and it was that she didn't feel the same love that I felt for her, if she did - we would still be togther, simple as that! (I must admit, I sometimes do drift off course and try to figure out what she was thinking, but then I reinforce all the good advice and repeat it in my head to give me strength.)

Also, I know I have a lot to learn about myself etc since I am only 18, lol but I am not like your typical 18year old.. Im not really afraid of commitment and I am happy with the person I am. I just want to learn and IMPROVE MYSELF to the point where one day I will find true love, someone that will give me what I can give them.

I agree, University relationships are hard to maintain. There's too much going on with academic responsibilities, new friends, social activities, etc. On top of that, keeping a relationship healthy would be too much work unless you went to the same uni --or close by-- and hang out with the same people.

Back to what I said in a previous post. It's important for a relationship to allow enough freedom for both people so they can hang out with their uni friends --alone-- have enough time to dedicate to uni/work. If this space is given then there is a good chance of success. In your relationship, however, it sounds like little space was given and most of the free time you had you spent together. Your girlfriend might have seen this excessive time as an obstacle to develop her uni life.

I do believe that analyzing what caused the failure of your relationship is important. Although probably not your fault, some of it is. There was a point when things were great and then suddenly they weren't. Even though she led you on there would've been a point when she was happy to be with you --love or not-- and didn't want anyone else. Maybe after sometime her feelings started to change --regardless of what she told you-- and maybe a part of your behaviour pushed those feelings a bit. You will be the one to think through what you can rescue from this painful situation. Hopefully in future relationships you will be able to apply what you've learned to do and not to do.

Good job mate,

Expat

Back to what I said in a previous post. It's important for a relationship to allow enough freedom for both people so they can hang out with their uni friends --alone-- have enough time to dedicate to uni/work. If this space is given then there is a good chance of success. In your relationship, however, it sounds like little space was given and most of the free time you had you spent together. Your gf might have seen this excessive time as an obstacle to develop her uni life.

This is so true. My college relationship was fine until she transferred to my school, I tried so hard convincing her to go somewhere else. Before, we'd see each other on the weekends and sometimes would go over a week without talking to one-another, it was perfect. After the transfer, we're spending every night together and I couldn't stand it.

Thanks for your replies guys...
As I said before... I completely agree, its difficult to maintain a relationship at university, and its probably difficult to maintain a relationship during any of these busy periods in one's life.

I just wanted to clarify... it was not really lack of space that was the problem at all in our relationship.

This is how it happened...
We had plans to be at the same university and be happy together.. for months this was the plan and we were both happy with it. (I then decided to take a gap year since my course was unavailable this year, which meant my ex was going alone to uni this year - the plan remained unchanged).

For weeks leading up to university things were very 'normal' with us... Even when she started university, for her first 2 weeks into the term things were very normal, and there were no problems at all... we would meet up with each other now and then, she would constantly tell me all these affectionate things, and I would say them back to her... things were great, no problems... (there was no issue with 'lack of space' at all, trust me).

During her third week.. once she had found a few more friends and settled in... she did the 180 on me! After saying all these lovely things for 9 months, and telling me she wanted to be with me forever... It was on the 3rd week of term (on our anniversary) that she told me how she felt - she said she felt some things are easier to do and enjoy if you are single, nothing is ever set in stone - we may be together or we may not, she said a part of her wanted to be single and a part of her wanted to be with me...

Well, she took out 2 weeks to decide what she wanted... very painful 2 weeks for me, and I gave her as much space as I could possibly give her, but at the same time I showed her I really loved her and really wanted to make this work and would do whatever it took to make it work. (During this 2 week period she had met John and was hanging out with him a lot as well as her other friends)...
Anyway, after she had thought about it.. she came to the conclusion that she felt uncomfortable in a relationship now (even though only 3 weeks ago we seemed so in love)... she said she thought she would be happier living life single at university etc... and obviously I respected her decision and let her go, despite how baffled and hurt I was.

Anyway... just wanted to write that all out and clarify that it wasn't that there was a lack of space in the relationship therefore she wanted to be single, no no.. nothing like that. In all honesty she hadn't really tried having a relationship with me at university... she didn't really give it a go, despite her saying for as long as I remember that we were going to be together forever and things will be great even when she is at uni without me.
So yeah... she didn't really give it a go.. she got to university, and all the hopes and dreams she had once made for us went out the window.. she wanted the complete opposite of what she had been preaching for 9months... anyone would find this extremely painful and confusing!. especially someone who gave every bit of the man he was to his woman and loved her with every ounce of passion in his heart.

Well, moving on. So.. I didn't really get any proper closure - on the night she dumped me, I asked her WHY she felt 'uncomfortable in a relationship' now that she's at university, WHY she thinks she would be happier being single and WHY her mindset has changed from what it was 3-4 weeks ago... she simply said "I dont know..I just feel this way.. I dont know" - so as you could already guess, she didn't know (says it all really - girls just act on emotions).

So I did what I believe anyone would.. after racking my brains and having sleepless weeks thinking -- WHY did she feel uncomfortable in a relationship.. only a few weeks ago she was telling me she couldn't wait to spend her life with me and now she's the complete opposite -- I realised that I will NEVER EVER for as long as I live find out the REAL reason why she felt SOOO different towards our relationship when she went to uni, why she felt uncomfortable, why she wanted to be single.. simply because there could be 567,994 reasons and more! (and I would waste my life trying to figure it out.. please don't suggest any reasons as to why she may have broken up with me.. I.E. - because she met this John dude, or there was a lack of space etc... there are so many possbilities and the best thing I can do & only thing I want to do is just take this as FACT and not dwell on WHY WHY WHY she ended it? & What was she thinking etc.. Im sure you guys understand). I have learnt that I will never be able to decipher what my ex was thinking at the time of breaking up with me and what the real underlying reason was (perhaps she doesn't even know herself).

So... Where did I take it from there? I realised in order for me to start moving on I had to create some closure by putting all the pieces together - then it hit me. Her actions proved she didn't truly love me the same way I loved her. If it were true love (the same kind I had for her) I'll tell you this now - she would have wanted to be with me AS BADLY as I wanted to be with her, she would have never felt uncomfortable in a relationship as soon as she got to university, deep down she would have been happiest being my girlfriend, she wouldn't have been happy living a single lifestyle at university, she wouldn't be seeing John now - whom she only met a few weeks before leaving me etc etc (you get the idea)...

Her actions -- how she made a shocking transition from supposed 'love' and a 'long term commitment' to 'wanting to be single, feeling uncomfortable and just wanting to be friends' -- simply proved she did not love me the way I loved her... THAT is my closure. THAT is my strength. THAT is what fuels me every morning to force a smile on my face and tell myself "I WILL get through this"... because I have enough respect, love and dignity for myself to know I Don't DESERVE ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT I GIVE.. I deserve true love, I deserve someone that will love me like I love them. That is why I have come to the stage where I don't really want my ex back.. I can't be with someone that didn't truly love me.. I love the girl with everything I have and I miss the old days.. BUT I can't be with her, I don't want her back. Because what I have discovered proves that I deserve true love, and I believe one day it will find me.

So... what was the next thing I realised? Well.. I realised that there was no point in me dwelling on her anymore. No point in dwelling on what she is doing, who she is with, what she is up to.. it will do me no good but keep my mind ticking and prolong the healing process. I realised that focusing on MYSELF is my top priority... the best thing to do is live well, do things for myself, make myself happy and become a better person -- And in order for me to continue doing these things NO CONTACT is the key and the most important factor (so please stick to it everyone).

This lead me onto my next realisation.. I realised that instead of dwelling on her, I should firstly work on FORGIVING HER and then I should DWELL ON MYSELF - my own feelings & my own thoughts, because that is the only way I will learn. I have already learnt so much and I am learning more and more things about myself, relationships and life as I type this... I don't think I did any major damage in our relationship, but I have learnt to see signals much earlier now, not to make a girl my whole life - to have a fulfilled life without her and SHARE my life with her and also to look at the actions behind words that people say.. I've learnt all this amongst MANY other things!

Well, this is where I am!.
Wow!. I have NO IDEA why I wrote such a long post lol I'm sorry guys - I just started typing and it all came flooding out really. Also, if I came across as being in a bit of a weird mood in this post, again Im sorry. This is probably because today is one of my 'not so good' days.. we all have them don't we. For some reason, ever since this morning I have been thinking about my ex and missing her.. my mind has been taking me back and my heart has been aching because of it. But its good, its healthy.. its all part of the healing process. My 'not so good' days are becoming far and few between nowadays.. NC really does work (nearly 6weeks for me), as does expressing your feelings on here... it really really helps. So anybody reading this that is thinking about breaking NC - I'll shoot you - lol no I won't, but you may as well shoot yourself, because it will probably be that painful.. so Don't do it.

Anyway.. I bet your all glad to hear that I am going to end this particular post now lol.. I actually feel MUCH better after writing that all out.. and perhaps some of you can see some growth in me (if any) from my post..

Thanks everyone - hope you are all doing well, and hope to see posts from you soon... we are all in this together!. we can do this!

Update:

Hey people, just thought I'd write an update on things since its been ages... I have had many exams over the past few weeks and have only just got some free time to update properly (exams have gone well btw).

Well, on the whole I have felt very good lately, I am content with the mental place I am at now..
When I have moments of weakness I always replay what has happened - the fact that she told me constantly for 9 months how she loved me, would never leave me and wanted to spend her life with me (even 2 weeks into the uni term), then only days later she was feeling uncomfortable and had a part of her that wanted to be single. I then start re-assuring myself & repeat all the good advice I have received on here -- i.e.. The fact that she didn't truly love me, I deserve better and there is someone out there that is more fitting for me and will truly love and appreciate me.

Here is something interesting... today has been a little bit strange, I haven't been set back or anything, but allow me to explain. I was thinking about our relationship (which happens now and again, but is happening much less)... and I briefly thought about how things culminated to her getting with the new guy (John), whilst I was thinking about this.. things really started to click in my head.
When they first met, they were talking on Facebook and msn for a few days and then they went out once to grab lunch (this was all whilst things were completely fine with my ex and I)... like I said things were completely normal, then a few days later my ex told me how she felt -- she thought some things were easier to do at uni if you are single, a part of her wants to be single the other part doesn't, she said she felt uncomfortable in a relationship etc etc...

Then came the 2 week period where she decided to just see how things went because she thought it could possibly be a phase she's in... I gave her as much space as I could, whilst still letting her know I really love her and wanted things to work... During these 2 weeks, she began to hang out and talk to John a lot more. Since I know they are now seeing each other, things just clicked in my head.
Things like.. how he asked her to go to lunch with him in a restaurant.. how she would call me for 10 minutes saying goodnight, and then say "John is just gonna call me" and then they would speak for hours (whenever I tried calling her 2 hours later or so, her phone was still busy)... how she used to invite him to social gatherings and talk about him to me quite often... you see during those 2 weeks they got much closer. I completely trusted her 100% so I didn't think anything would happen, and besides.. I wanted to give her space during that time as well...

This kind of made me think.. even though she told our mutual friend about John 3 weeks after leaving me, she could well have been seeing him earlier. They could have been seeing each other immediately after she left me or only a few days after, who knows..?.
Anyway... since I know they are seeing each other now, a part of me had a strong feeling that actually... she left me for another guy, the reason she left me was because she thought the grass was greener on the other side. I had been thinking about all the times she would tell me they were speaking on the phone, or the times they would hang out etc... it just makes me think, perhaps she started to like him even back then (when we were together)... and the real reason she felt uncomfortable in a relationship was because she started liking this John dude...

NOW, let me clear something up for you... I was thinking like that for a brief moment... THEN I quickly realised thinking like that was going to do me no good what so ever!. so I got on to this website, started reading through posts and read through this whole thread again, I'm now back on track!.
I've said it 100 times - I know that I will never know WHY she left me, WHY she felt uncomfortable in a relationship all of a sudden -- it may well be that she was interested in John so she left me, it could be another reason and now John is just a rebound - WHO KNOWS!. but there is no point dwelling on why!
So basically, once I got all those thoughts out of my system, I regained focus and thought; I am never ever going to realise why she left me... so there is no point in me thinking about it anymore!.

Whatever the reason... she didn't truly love me and her actions proved this.. and also, I deserve to be treated better... that is my closure and that is the kind of attitude I have carried and will continue to carry... (even our mutual friend - who is a girl.. told me that I deserve better than my ex and she also said that I am better looking than this John dude and a better person overall)..

Well anyway guys, as I have mentioned before on here... I am going travelling to europe for 6-8 weeks. I can't WAIT!. its going to be an amazing experience, and I will discover and learn a lot about myself and I believe it will help me with this breakup as well... I will try to post whilst I am there (if I get time)... if not, I will definitely post a huge update when I get back, letting you all know about my progress with the breakup!. I plan to just completely chill out, clear my head, have fun and do things for myself whilst I am there.. hopefully when I get back I will have healed even more - what do you guys think?. any advice?.

Oh.. I almost forgot to mention! Its been 7 weeks of solid NC so far and she called me yesterday afternoon. I knew it was her even though the number didn't come up on screen, it only showed 'No Number'... (when I first initiated NC she was calling me from 'No Number' & I never picked up)... well, I looked at my phone, chuckled to myself and threw it to one side whilst it was still ringing. It eventually stopped ringing and I'll admit, I thought about it for a few minutes (ie. Thinking why would she call).. but you will be glad to know that I got on with the rest of my day just as normal and didn't even think about it afterwards!. it felt good!. I can certainly say NC is helping!

I still have my bad days, which is normal really.. isnt it?. but lately the good days are starting to outnumber the bad!. and I think this will continue and I will get stronger as the days go by, especially after I am back from my europe trip. I guess today I just had a weird moment where I was thinking about how my ex and John got together - and it made me think that perhaps she left me for him... perhaps I am one of those guys who's girlfriend left him for someone else.
BUT I want you guys to all know lound and clear that... I have realised yet again that this is not the right way to think, I will NEVER know why she left me since she gave me no real closure (her reason for leaving me was that she felt uncomfortable in a relationship & she didn't know why) - so there could be many many reasons and there is NO POINT in thinking 'why why why'...
For a brief moment I was thinking about the possible reason she could have left me, BUT I am back on track and I feel better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow I will feel better than today... Anyway, just wanted to get it all out of my system and tell you guys..

Thanks for reading people :)... Any responses would really help!

There will be days when you get to thinking about it. It happens. But try to make it so that you're looking back on memories that you know you can't change. I do that a lot too. I look back on past failed relationships, but I try to make it so that I wonder what I learned then that I can apply to now. It gets easier everyday man, so just go on. You seem to be doing great =]

Yeah... So basically, just look back on the relationship and take what I can LEARN from it?. that's the best and most productive way of going about it if I am going to look back on things right?. I get it...
I think, yesterday I was just wondering about things... how she used to tell me they would talk at night (which they would do for hours), how they would hang out at uni etc... just that kind of stuff. It made me think for a second -- hmm, perhaps she actually left me for him (because they seemed to be getting awfully friendly around the time that my ex was having doubts about being in a relationship) and perhaps that was the reason she dumped me!. she thought the grass was greener (that whole bunch of crap lol)..

Although I realise... that theory could be right!. or.. it could be wrong. Nobody will ever know, I certainly won't. I will never know the real reason why she broke up with me!.
And I have to leave it as that... in many ways it feels like I have been betrayed and led on but I know I have to let those feelings slowly go and just accept that I will never know why she just left and did that 180 -- it could be because of this other guy, could be other reasons...

But what I DO know and what I can focus on though... is that she didn't truly love me - her actions proved this and I believe I deserve better than that...
Also, I can focus on what I have learnt and continue to learn;
- not to make my S/O my whole life, have a fulfilled life without her.. share my life with her
- still be nice and be myself, but don't be a doormat.. make sure the relationship is equal
- the redflags (which I would now automatically sense)
- then there is all the stuff I have learnt about how to handle myself post-breakup...

All this plus more... so I know I must focus on what is true (she didn't love me and I deserve better) and what I have learnt. And I must try not to think about.. why she broke up with me, because I will never know... this is the correct attitude, right?.
Anyway, I am doing well otherwise... NC is going strong, and I can feel it working, just can't wait for my europe trip now :)..

Dude, honestly, try to keep this post out of your mind lol. This'll keep you coming back to thoughts of your relationship. Cut all ties, which includes this thread.

Dude, honestly, try to keep this post out of your mind lol. This'll keep you coming back to thoughts of your relationship. Cut all ties, which includes this thread.
Ha, yeah, I completely agree.

He's right man, you're thinking way too hard on what you thought you learned, and you keep repeating yourself; I've been there, too, it happens.

Focus that energy on something other than your past or future relationships, like getting into college, or preparing for it if you've already been accepted.