First of all I would like to say thank you to the people on this board, I registered today but had been browsing the boards for about 2 weeks and the advice you offer to people is always helpful.

The Story

My name is Dan and I am 24, my ex girlfriend is 32 and we had been together for a year. Up unitl October we also worked together but on different floors. She was divorced when I met her but that wasn't something that put me off her. After a couple of weeks of us dating she told me that she used to have an affair for 2 years with someone in our office (who had since left when we first hooked up) in case someone at work told me - she wanted to tell me herself.

At first I was a bit put off by what she said, for a couple of days I would picture them together (as it turned it out I always thought the guy was a prick!). Anyway I was flattered by her interest and quickly moved past it as what she got up to before she met me was none of my business.

After 5 or 6 dates we both realized that we got on really well and just clicked. I then said how about we make this official, at first she wasn't sure and wanted to give us a bit more time together which I was OK with but I knew I wanted more. It turned out that she was seeing someone at the same time as me for four months before and she said she has finished with him and wanted us to be official. Looking back I should have twigged that if she can do that without me having a clue what else could she do without me knowing. Anyway we got together and things were great, we went on holiday, met each others family and started to get serious, we talked moving in, kids, marriage over our time together.

Looking back I knew I loved her from our first date, we just clicked.

Over the course of a year we broke up twice, once in June and then again in October. She wasn't sure if she wanted this to be 'it' for her.

We had gone on holiday in June - was probably the best week of my life. We split up about two weeks after we returned, she was being really offish with me and I could not think why after we had just had such a brilliant week on holiday. It had turned ou that 2 days before we were due to go away she had met the guy she had an affair with for dinner and it had confused her.

I left it and waited for her to get her head straight, she come back, and we got back to being really close and getting on well, however there was always a doubt in my mind now that she was seeing him or someone else, I but that voice to the back of mind and got on with things. However I was having doubts...

A few months past and our relationship was probably the nest it had been between us. She asked me if I though it was a good idea if she come off the pill - with me being a lot younger than her - I wasn't sure, but because I loved her so much and wanted to stay with her anyway I knew kids would happen at some point so why not now?

The Break Up

I had since started my new job (which was only going to be temporary). Which meant we only saw each other at weekends. So the time we spent together was quality rather than quantity. Eeveryday we would be on the phone to each other or texting and making plans for the weekend or whatever, then the week before we broke up she had been out almost every night we her friend drinking and I guess I just felt a little neglected. I was going to see her on the Friday after I had driven back from work (as we had plans in the morning for the weekend).

Instead she text me saying 'why not just come over Saturday morning instead'. I was thinking great I have harldy spoke to you all week and now now you don't want to see me either.

So the weekend wasn't great as I had the hump a little, anyway we got into a row on the Sunday with me asking why she had been funny all week, she couldn't give me an answer and didn't want to talk about it. After a bit of prodding by me she said that she wasn't sure we were right together and if the spark had gone. We were both in tears I accpeted that she wanted this to be over.

3 days went pass when I didn't talk to her (turned phone off. I turned it back on and she hadn't got in touch so I text her saying I missed her. I was a mess, for the next week or so I was texting her telling her how I felt - I was all over the place and didn't know what to do (after a month or so I knew what I had been doing just after the break up was not helping me or her.

I was going back to her work for a metting 2 weeks after the break up. I didn't inform her I was going (why should I?). She sees me in the office (I don't see her) and she sends me an abusive text saying I should have let her now I was coming into work.

So 3 weeks after the break up she tells we she is dating someone else. I call her and say there is no need for you to tell me that and you doing it just hurt me.

After a month of crying, not eating, boring friends for advice, I was slowly starting to feel a bit better and we were coming up to our company party which she might be at. She had been really ill with flu a few days before (I had gone over to hers to help her out for a few hours) She text me after saying I am glad we can friends. I realized I didn't want to be just friends so I went NC for 5 days.

I turned my phone back on and there was about 15+ messages from her asking why I had not been in touch and I was confusing her. I replied I can't do friends at the moment if I am to move on.

So after another job interview I met her for lunch. We got on really well and it was nice. She then sent me a text saying this has confused me us getting on so well. I said I don't know what you want from me.

So over Christmas we were in contact by phone and by text and she said she wanted to talk about us. I said lets arrange a day and we will go out. We both agreed that we would do today. So I went over to hers, we did a bit of shopping, had lunch and come back and watched a film.

I didn't want to bring up the subject of 'us' and she had finished with me and I thought it was down to her to make the first move if she wanted to get back together. So I left hers and she sent me a text saying 'sorry about today but you know I am no good at talking'.

So basically guys do I go NC, or what else?

You go NC and completely cut her out of your life. No more texts,lunch, dinner, shopping together, watching movies together, or you going to her house. Leave this confusion alone for good in 2009.

This lady is playing on your emotions and keeping you around as her lifeboat and your allowing her to do so. Well don't any longer.

The drama and this rollercoaster ends today otherwise you'll be able to heal and if this thing you've with her is unhealthy.

Games stop now. It's a new day so let her go and go on with your life.

Oh my god! That's quite like my relationship!

All I can say is don't be friends! (shes just tryn to get rid of her guilt) its been a year now of totally cuttn my ex from my life as she went off with my best friend, was a big blow and I tought id never meet another girl like her... but you will! Believe me hang in there and best of luck, she's not worth it and you seem like a really nice caring person you'll be fine! Party! :)

Your finding out as so many others have before you, being friends with a romantic interest is impossible, and a lot of time, and healing needs to happen.

Letting go cleanly, would help. After I learned this lesson centuries ago, my life got really easy. If you tell them that when you break up, that honesty will help you heal.

Completely cut her out of your life. She can't seem to commit to anyone, having affairs with someone no matter who she's with. Do you really want a relationship with someone like that?

We are not at the friend stage anymore now though guys, she wants to talk about us getting back together and I am not sure whether I should stick around or if she is messing me about.

I have asked her for dinner tomorrow night - she text back 'maybe'.

Should I just get rid?

Hi Dan

She is being a PLAYER and you are allowing yourself to be played.

As others have advised you - You need to go No Contact -

That means 100% everything, if she is so keen to sort things out and get back together why would she text you maybe.

You need the no contact in order for you to be able to see things clear and also get your head straight and heal.

Why would you want to stick around? She's a serial liar and cheat. Just get rid and move on find someone who is honest and who deserves your time.

Why would you want to stick around? She's a serial liar and cheat. Just get rid and move on find someone who is honest and who deserves your time.

The only word that I can think of that keeps springing into my mind is PLAYER.

It almost sounds like she is keeping you hanging in the event her other relationship with the ex co worker doesn't work out.

I think you said it best when you told her* I can't do friends at the moment if I am to move on*.

If you want to have more of the same ,go for it but if you are wanting a solid relationship based on mutual love and respect I think you will be in for a disappointment.

Perhaps one last showdown where you both speak from the heart and tell it like it is is in order for you to move on.However if she is *no good at talking* it might be just a waste of time.

No one is saying that cutting all ties is easy,it isn't, but sometimes you have to protect yourself from further pain and embarrassment.

Good luck! Be strong!

Leave her alone, dude.

She has you on an emotinal rollercoaster, and your just setting yourself up for more hurt. I would just leave her alone, and go your own way. She sends way too many mixed messages to you. Your letting her call all the shots, why do that, move on, there is someone else out their without that many flaws.

Dan you need to make sometime for yourself, hang out with the lads have some fun and keep moving forwards. Leave this bad relationship behind because it will just keep scewing with your head.

You will keep hanging onto a maybe or what if why you keep in contact end it and go NC.

Do I need to send her anything now saying I think we should cut all contact?

No!!

Do i need to send her anything now saying i think we should cut all contact?

Nope. That's the beauty of going no contact.

Just stick to NC no need to let her know... she will understand somehow. Remember it's a time for your healing... You have given her enough love... All that is left is giving is all of that you have to give to yourself.

Best wishes, and I really hope you find happiness this year. Be strong. It's all about YOU now.

Ya, I would say *bye*

At least say it in your head!

Over and Over again until it feels real!

Blessings!

Run forest run!!
This woman doesn't know what she wants from life at 32 ,she will never know.

If your partner says 'I'm not sure there is a spark'!

What do they mean?

What is a spark?

Think of it like a car engine. It takes a spark plug for the starter to ignite the engne...

Think of it like a lighter. If you go to light a lighter without fluid, no spark happens, and it doesn't light up...

Now, think of a candle like a relationship. Without a working lighter, you can't light the candle...

Get it?

Even though she says she we get on really well and she is attracted to me?

Takes more than that for a long lasting relationship. It isn't as simple as getting along and being attracted to someone... I wish it was, but that is merely the tip of it.

She says she wants to feel a 'thunderbolt' when she sees me.

Does that last after a year?

*NEW UPDATE*

Since the above happened over Christmas/New Year we have again been getting closer by texts/phone calls and emails. She sent me a long email (she can't seem to talk about her fellings face to face or on the phone) basicially saying she wants to make this work, hopes I get my new job, dreamt we had kids and the things she liked and disliked about me in our relationship.

We met last Sunday, went shopping, had lunch, she even held my hand during the shopping trip which felt amazing - overall we had a really good day.

This weekend we were invited many months ago to go to her neighbours wedding - so this would be the first time I had stayed over at hers for 3 months, was really looking forward to having a night over at hers being close to her - then BOOM - I'll make up the spare bed for you to sleep in. Was I wrong to think we could share a bed? I wasn't after Sex, I just wanted to start getting the closness back into our relationship and just feel her next to me.

We come home after a good night - she asks whether I want to help get some paint testers on Sunday , I say I think I am just going to go home and that I feel her actions are different to her words. I say I thought we were working on us, she says you need to get this new job and show me you have mutured - I said one of thie things I wanted us to improve on was our communication skills as I do all the talking and put myself out there and you just put up a wall.. I said I am not going to be able to give you my friendship, she said I don't want to talk about this right now and I say you never want to talk about it and head to bed.

We have another good day today - nothing is mentioned about the previous nights discussion. I drove home for hers this evening in tears all the way as I knew I had to go NC if I was to heal and move on and probably not see her again.

Is this the right way to go? Any advice guys?

You need to have some self respect for yourself and leave her alone.

All you keep doing is hurting yourself more and deepening the wounds.

I would go no contact and move on myself.