billyboy9
Jan 1, 2009, 08:43 PM
Can any one help me find inner peace.
I am 41 and have very recently come out of a 6 relationship with a girl that is very confident, totally charming, witty, funny, very intelligent, attractive, extremely hard working and very strong minded. It was attraction at first site for both of us, and with her declaring her love for me within 6 -8 weeks. I was a little more reserved and hesitant as I learned to protect my heart from past relationships and not to jump in to fast. The usual things happened we explained our pasts and I accepted them with out judging her but could not help but make a mental notes. She appeared to have many 4 – 5 year relationships including with a married man. Time moved on and as we got to know each other I started to dislike some of her traits. We could never discuss anything without her having the last word and winning an argument or discussion with some comment that was completely irrelevant to original point. I could never do anything correctly in her mind, making the bed, washing up, keeping the kitchen tidy etc etc. I started to hold back a little as other parts of her personality began to grind against me. By this point I had asked her to move in with me, even though in the back of my mind I was beginning to think it was a bad idea. She always appeared to hold her cards close to her chest and I followed suite. Sexually I started to pull away from her as I was beginning to think that this wasn't to be. I was never in a place of sexual being with her, I found her attractive but not sexually arousing, but initially it was fun as I liked her for who she was not her body. Now for the body blow, I am I guess a fan of internet pornography. I wouldn't say addicted but I do use it for release frequently, and I feel that it might be a problem that may impact with my relationships. Initially I never used it much at the beginning of the relationship, but as things got worse I used it more, and our sex life became non existent. This must of hurt her. Things ticked along his way for about 18 months when I seemed to be arriving at a point in my mind to end the relationship because I felt that it wasn't right the way we were living and the anger that I was harbouring towards her unreasonableness. Then the next body blow, she falls pregnant, and we are both in turmoil, she has already had one previous abortion and understandably did not want another. I asked her to have a termination, it was not right between us. She did this, and the next 6 months we took care of each other emotionally for the first time. It was at this point I fell in love with her, and despite all the things that ground me down about her, I still fell. Another 6 months went by and things had started to get back to normal, she found a new job with long unpredictable hours. This put a strain on us, in that I never knew what time she would be home. We had no routine, I had nothing to look forward to, we never went out during the week. I would get a call to say I will be home in hour, and life was very hard, I would fill my time with xbox and poker effectively burying my head in the sand. Nothing had changed between us, apart from we were spending less time together,and becoming unhappy. I tried at various points to tell her that her job was impacting on our relationship, but she loved her job it gave her something back and would not compromise on anything I asked for. And so we were in a state of stale mate, I finished the relationship on 2 occasions but asked her to come back because I had grown to weak to end it. I had asked her to marry me on the return of the first break up, and during the time that had elapsed I again kept thinking to myself how can this be right feeling this low, and planning to get married etc etc. I tried couple counselling, which she resented and suggested that all I wanted was someone else to say she was a bad girl friend. The counsellor said that we made no progress and could not see why we were still together. She would say that it was because she loved me. My only peace of mind was that she admitted she was unreasonable to me, Slowly I became more depressed, lonely and defended myself more against her little jibes to the point where I was assassinating her character and not knowingly rejecting her. The whole complexity of our relationship started to impact on my mental health. I was at the point were I was going to bug her phone, tap her laptop, but I pulled myself back and knew that was a point I couldn't go. I was having nightmares I was going to kill her or damage her. I comfronted her and told her that she was driving me to a place that I didn't like, previously an ex boy friend had beaten her several times and I was beginning to understand why that may of happened. I told her to stop pressing my buttons, that we both had to work at it or it was going to die. By this time I think she was also resenting me, she was an optimistic girl who always considered that things were going to get better. Eventually she dumped me, and said that it was over in her head but not in her heart, but I would always be her one. I said OK, and wanted to end the relationship amicably, it was hard, I helped her pack, arranged all the necessarys. Now that she is gone, my head is a mess. I can't make any sense of it and want to stop analysing it and move on. But I cant, the pain of her leaving me is very hard. I suffer from over analysing everything, and I don't want to end up a mental mess again, as I seem to suffer when it comes to loss as I can't reach a place in mind which tells me that was the right thing to happen. I am doing the right things, staying with family, trying to do positive things, but my head is becoming worse. Does anyone have some practical advice on resolving inner conflict. I loved this girl and she drove me mad at the same time, it matters neither way now but is still hard to resolve in my head. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I am 41 and have very recently come out of a 6 relationship with a girl that is very confident, totally charming, witty, funny, very intelligent, attractive, extremely hard working and very strong minded. It was attraction at first site for both of us, and with her declaring her love for me within 6 -8 weeks. I was a little more reserved and hesitant as I learned to protect my heart from past relationships and not to jump in to fast. The usual things happened we explained our pasts and I accepted them with out judging her but could not help but make a mental notes. She appeared to have many 4 – 5 year relationships including with a married man. Time moved on and as we got to know each other I started to dislike some of her traits. We could never discuss anything without her having the last word and winning an argument or discussion with some comment that was completely irrelevant to original point. I could never do anything correctly in her mind, making the bed, washing up, keeping the kitchen tidy etc etc. I started to hold back a little as other parts of her personality began to grind against me. By this point I had asked her to move in with me, even though in the back of my mind I was beginning to think it was a bad idea. She always appeared to hold her cards close to her chest and I followed suite. Sexually I started to pull away from her as I was beginning to think that this wasn't to be. I was never in a place of sexual being with her, I found her attractive but not sexually arousing, but initially it was fun as I liked her for who she was not her body. Now for the body blow, I am I guess a fan of internet pornography. I wouldn't say addicted but I do use it for release frequently, and I feel that it might be a problem that may impact with my relationships. Initially I never used it much at the beginning of the relationship, but as things got worse I used it more, and our sex life became non existent. This must of hurt her. Things ticked along his way for about 18 months when I seemed to be arriving at a point in my mind to end the relationship because I felt that it wasn't right the way we were living and the anger that I was harbouring towards her unreasonableness. Then the next body blow, she falls pregnant, and we are both in turmoil, she has already had one previous abortion and understandably did not want another. I asked her to have a termination, it was not right between us. She did this, and the next 6 months we took care of each other emotionally for the first time. It was at this point I fell in love with her, and despite all the things that ground me down about her, I still fell. Another 6 months went by and things had started to get back to normal, she found a new job with long unpredictable hours. This put a strain on us, in that I never knew what time she would be home. We had no routine, I had nothing to look forward to, we never went out during the week. I would get a call to say I will be home in hour, and life was very hard, I would fill my time with xbox and poker effectively burying my head in the sand. Nothing had changed between us, apart from we were spending less time together,and becoming unhappy. I tried at various points to tell her that her job was impacting on our relationship, but she loved her job it gave her something back and would not compromise on anything I asked for. And so we were in a state of stale mate, I finished the relationship on 2 occasions but asked her to come back because I had grown to weak to end it. I had asked her to marry me on the return of the first break up, and during the time that had elapsed I again kept thinking to myself how can this be right feeling this low, and planning to get married etc etc. I tried couple counselling, which she resented and suggested that all I wanted was someone else to say she was a bad girl friend. The counsellor said that we made no progress and could not see why we were still together. She would say that it was because she loved me. My only peace of mind was that she admitted she was unreasonable to me, Slowly I became more depressed, lonely and defended myself more against her little jibes to the point where I was assassinating her character and not knowingly rejecting her. The whole complexity of our relationship started to impact on my mental health. I was at the point were I was going to bug her phone, tap her laptop, but I pulled myself back and knew that was a point I couldn't go. I was having nightmares I was going to kill her or damage her. I comfronted her and told her that she was driving me to a place that I didn't like, previously an ex boy friend had beaten her several times and I was beginning to understand why that may of happened. I told her to stop pressing my buttons, that we both had to work at it or it was going to die. By this time I think she was also resenting me, she was an optimistic girl who always considered that things were going to get better. Eventually she dumped me, and said that it was over in her head but not in her heart, but I would always be her one. I said OK, and wanted to end the relationship amicably, it was hard, I helped her pack, arranged all the necessarys. Now that she is gone, my head is a mess. I can't make any sense of it and want to stop analysing it and move on. But I cant, the pain of her leaving me is very hard. I suffer from over analysing everything, and I don't want to end up a mental mess again, as I seem to suffer when it comes to loss as I can't reach a place in mind which tells me that was the right thing to happen. I am doing the right things, staying with family, trying to do positive things, but my head is becoming worse. Does anyone have some practical advice on resolving inner conflict. I loved this girl and she drove me mad at the same time, it matters neither way now but is still hard to resolve in my head. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.