how do I tell a family member they're the problem with their marriage? How do you say "well, yeah, he yells at you because you started raggin' his butt the minute he walked in the door from work". How do you tell someone "i'm pretty sure, from my non-professional expertise, just surfed the net looking for answers and talked to others who've been in my shoes, that you're bi-polar and you need help". How do you tell someone "you're driving me to the brink of dispair because you ask for help, but then don't want to hear what i have to say. you say "no one cares" while i'm telling you i care." how do you keep from deckin' the person yourself when they come at you and accuse of you not caring, not being there for them, not helping them... and then says "i need help! help me!" there are small children involved. There are jobs involved. There are issues that I don't understand like why does he have to change, but she doesn't? Why do they go to a counselor for 3 years but nothing changes? It's the same 'song' over and over and over... why's he hang his head after an outburst and says he's a rotten person; that he should do more, when he's the only one up to get kids ready for school --- she's waiting for either a pain pill to kick in or she's waited too long and she's got 'withdrawl issues', and then she's so groggy she can't function-- or he's the only one that fixes dinner for them because she's gone to bed; he's the only one trying keep up the laundry and grocery shopping. Why does she ridicule everything he does, even if he does it just the way she said to do it? Why is OK do something one way this time, but next time it's totally wrong? Why can't things be 'up' instead of 'down'? How many people do you know that answers the phone with "yeah, what's wrong? what's happened?" and then why does he defend her after their 'meltdowns' and for a couple of days things are what I'd conceive as 'normal family life', only to start the same crap all over again... again... again... my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach if the phone rings and I hear "we need to talk..." or sinks just as deep when I don't hear from them over the weekends -- they live close and I can just feel the tension...

do I decide to confront her with the issue now, while she's on the brink of another all out 'accusation party' I can feel building up or wait until she has another 'total meltdown' ("i try to do everything i can to keep this family together -- he does nothing -- if it weren't for me....") and then try to take to her a mental hospital after she's collapsed in the floor? Do I risk totally destroying my relationship by confronting them? Risk not being able to visit my grandchildren again if I 'take action'? Or would she take it as "you saved me. thank you... i needed you do to this for me because i couldn't..." I've tried talking to the other parents, and while they agree that 'something needs to be done', that's as far as it goes; they don't want to anger her, they babysit almost daily... they've seen the issues, too...

this is the way my brain and emotions have been for over 2 years, while they've been behaving like this at the same time... actually, they've been this way much longer. I help with their kids 4 nights a week; I work full time; I have a home and husband. I'm walking on egg shells all the time so as not to 'trip her off the line', then get accused of 'not caring about her'. I don't feel like I have the freedom to live my own life because they might need me to 'cover' for them while they either yell it out again, or she just holes up in their room and either sulks or sleeps. Try to take a vacation and she doesn't speak to me for weeks because "you got to leave and i didn't" -- her same response to him when he'd been sent away for work, one time and one time only.

have you ever gone to someone's home and been made to feel totally unwelcome because she either sits on the sofa with her eyes closed; won't come out of her room; walks around the room you're in but she doesn't acknowledge your presence and when you try to make conversation, she just gives a shrug and a 'hmmff.. ' or she writes you mean spirited letters one day, then falls around your neck with kindness and" i'm sorries" the next...

she says she does everything, but the bills are always way behind. "well i can't do it all myself..." but remember, she 'does everything or nothing would get done'...

so what I've decided I need to do is go to a counselor myself... try to get myself some help so I can help them --- and it ticks me off to have to do it! I'm a very logical minded person, and I'm also flexible with ideas, plans, etc... they're very "it's black and white and there's no other colors allowed". She complains she wants to leave; I've told her to do it, but she says it wouldn't be fair to her because she'd have to take the kids with her and he'd have peace and quiet... aacckkkk!!

well, I've gotten this out of me and on here for now, and maybe that's start, for me... I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor-- I'd like the same one they see, because I don't think the doc's getting all the variables of the situation; just tells him to go to anger management... what about nagging anonymous?

thanks for your time to read this... I'm expected there soon, and I dread it at this time...

hope you're having a good day, and if not, hope tomorrow will be better... thanks again...

how do i tell a family member they're the problem with their marriage?

You don't. It's none of your business.

Sounds awful, awful. I'm glad you vented here. Like the above post, it's none of your business. That doesn't make you feel better though, does it. The only way to change others is by changing yourself. Sad perhaps, but true.

Counselling for yourself is a great idea. Don't be resentful, be grateful. Go and work on you, your issues. Ways to help the current situation can be presented by someone not in the situation. The counsellor is there to provide calm unbiased strategies to make the most of you life. Learn some new stuff.

Yep stay out of it.
Most likely they are comfortably adjusted to each others ways by now and your bringing up the way things are is just going to make you the bad guy. I have seen it dozens of times a friend or relative tries to fix things in someone's relationship and the couple ends up hating the 'meddling' friend.
If they didn't thrive on the dysfunction and drama they would do something about it.

You perhaps hand them a card for a counseling center. Perhaps to the party who you believe is not at fault, and let them try and get them help.

NOhelp4u, you wrote "If they didn't thrive on the dysfunction and drama they would do something about it." And that's something I've felt too, and for a while it was in my "thoughts for my vent" posting, but it didn't make there... I know some people are "happy" when things are wrong. Some people are "fixers", and you can't "fix" anything if there's nothing "wrong" with it. So, if gets "broken" somehow --which seems to occur just as things start going good-- there's a 'crash'. They live on a roller coaster of emotions, and since it's been that way before they even got married, I guess that's going to be their life, isn't it? So, I guess I need to accept how they live, and deal with it as things boil up and he & she come to me/at me. I don't like to be false in my feelings, but maybe giving comfort (even when it's for the one causing the problems) is what I need to do... and feel resentful or drained every time it happens.

Thanks to everyone for your posts... I'm in a better state of mind this morning (I'm using capitals today :) ), and I'm sure I'm thinking better because the 'meltdown indications' weren't as event yesterday evening as they'd been since Christmas morning. Holiday season emotions or not, what I described has gone on all year long since the their first child was born 6 years ago (and 3 more since, which includes twins... )

So, I'm off to get ready for my day at work now, and go tend to the year's end wind-up details, plus prepping for the new year's computer changes for billing and diagnosis codes, charge amounts and their allowed amounts ---- I bill medical insurance claims for 3 doctors and then track the A/R to make sure insurances are processing the claims... another set of challenges some days, but I can handle it :)

I meant "NOT feel resentful or drained when it happens..."